CALI DUDE: episode 1

[on:]

THE NEW AND IMPROVED CALIDUDE EP 1!!!

"Arnold and Donald and Cats oh my!"

Teaser Sequence

Priest
What’s the problem?

JRE
People ... they stink ... I mean what the hell is wrong with PEOPLE? Their morons!

Priest
Shurley not all people...

JRE
No... all of ‘em! Especially Californians...

Priest
I thought you were a Californian.

JRE
yeah... but first I’m MEXICAN. I mean do you know what it’s like to be a Mexican living in California surrounded by white people?

Priest
Is it tough?

JRE
meh... It’s not that bad... I mean it’s not Stephen Sagal bad. it’s not Dharma and Greg bad, it’s not even UPN bad. I actually live in a place where you hardly see ANY white people. White people are like myths their. Their like big foot, the people who claim to have seen ‘em are crazies with no life and when they take pictures of ‘em their always out of focus!

Priest
Then?

JRE
I don’t know... It’s just that... I quit my job...and in doing so I think I broke the 2nd commandment.

Priest
You talked about fight club? Oh...wait, that’s not the second commandment, that’s the second rule of fight club.....

JRE
Well anyways... it got me thinking of this family....

Priest
What family?

JRE
The Villas... I remember when Bob lost his job...(chuckles)


Priest
(chuckles)

JRE
What’s so funny?

Priest
Oh, it’s just that I remembered that I didn’t have any clean socks and so I had to wear one green sock and one purple sock...(chuckles)...but anyway, you were saying something about a Boss or a Bob... or a Box or something...

JRE
Yeah, Bob, he quit his job too...what a jack ass...

Priest
Son, please, your in the house of the Lord, watch your language.

JRE
Sorry ....

Priest
AHEM!

JRE
Sorry, FATHER.

Priest
AHEHEHEM!!!


JRE
I mean, sorry SIR.

Priest
I was actually looking for ‘I‘m sorry your MAJESTY.’ But anyways, you were saying?

JRE
Man... that family was something....

We see the Villas in church. The priest is passionately discussing today's sermon.

Priest Rick
You bunch of sinners, you make me sick... You worship each other like gods! The rich have people serving them like slaves! It‘s disgusting... (snaps his fingers) Alter boy! Water! (he drinks the water that the alter boy brings him and quickly spits it out) Dam you! This is ‘Mountain Spring,’ I specifically asked for ‘Propel!’

Alter Boy
But-But-

Priest Rick
But nothing! Now drop and give me ten Hail Mary's and twelve Padre Nuestro’s.

The camera shifts towards BOB. He’s a 40 year old Mexican-American slob. Bob is sleeping. His head is tilted back and his mouth hangs wide open with drool dripping down his cheeks.

JRE (VO)
First theirs Bob. (Laughing) Bob was a lazy bastard.

Bob
(Talking in his sleep)
Mmm... yeah baby... I like it dirty it like that. Grrr. Yes!

JRE
He has no respect for other people!

EXT. CHURCH
Bob and his family are leaving church.

Bob
Oh look at that guy, what are you an albino? He’s whiter than a freshly bleached Michel Jackson! Take a good look kids ‘cause this is the closest thing you’ll get to a trip to the zoo. (He laughs wile pointing.) Ah what a freak!

Julia
(embarrassed)  Bob... he’s a mime.

JRE
Julia... (sigh) Julia is great... She’s a one of a kind girl with a mind of ‘er own.

Priest
Are you gonna go threw every family member?

JRE
Well.... that’s the idea...

Priest
You wouldn’t mind speeding it up a bit, I ordered Wrestle Mania on pay-per-view and it starts in about half an hour.

OPENING TITLES

[Reply #1 on:]

c'mon, how many people are going to read that?
not me

[Reply #2 on:]

This isn't futurama related.

[Reply #3 on:]

*scrolls past*

Who moderates this forum now that Kryten's gone walkies?

[Reply #4 on:]

Fan Fics HAVE to be Futurama realated? ...crap...  Oh well! Next one will be! ...and if you read it, it's not really that long... I still wanna know if it's funny though...

[Reply #5 on:]

 

Fan Fics HAVE to be Futurama realated?

Well, it IS a Futurama forum...

I'm not exactly sure what this is, but a better bet would be to post it here.

EDIT: And after taking the time to read it, I must say that the basis of some potentially good jokes is there, but altogether, the story seems very forced.

[Reply #6 on:]

Hell I don't even read things half that lenght.

[Reply #7 on:]

I changed the scrypt a bit... It's more screenplay-like now... I'll be adding stuff as I go along... This one is different, new format, new jokes (same plot, same characters), more mexican(tell me if you dont get some of the jokes and I'll try to explain them, if you dont get it it's probably a mexican thing though...), more rediculouseness!!!

and now....

ACT I of CaliDude Ep 1!!!!
Read... IF YOU DARE!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

---------

ACT I

EXT. THE VILLACORONA’S HOUSE- DAY

INT. THE VILLACORONA’S HOUSE

We see Jessica laying in her bed. BOB walks in.

Bob
Get up jackass! You’ll be late for school!

Jessica
I... I’m sick.

Bob
Your sick? Your SICK? Of what?

Jessica
I-I think I have a fever....

Bob
Fever eh?

Jessica
(in between coughs)
Oh yea... Really bad ... fever...

Bob
Look mija, I’m not the one you should be trying to convince here. I mean I’ll let you stay if you want. You know I don't care about you bettering your future threw education. But it’s your mother who’s the hard ass about this stuff.

JRE (VO)
Julia had a keen sense of deception. She is like a human lie detector. It’s like she was secretly trained by the CIA to be professional  psychological spy... person... dealy...

Julia (OS)
What’s going on in their?


Jessica
(whispering)
Don’t say anything dad, let me do the talking.

Bob
What? Why?

Jessica
Your a terrible liar...

Bob
What are you talking about? I’m a great liar. I mean remember the time I did a live radio broadcast convincing people that aliens were invading earth?

Jessica
That wasn’t you that was Orson Wells...

Julia and 4 year old Angie enter.

Julia
What’s going on in here?

Bob
Jessica’s sick...

Jessica
Yeah... I feel sick... (cough) Oh... so... sick...

Julia
Really? Oh, poor honey... (suspiciously now) What are you sick of?

Jessica
I just have...

Bob
Sars! She has ... sars... (towards Jessica) Wow your rite I am a terrible liar!

Angie
Are you lying?

Julia
Why don’t you wanna go to school?

Jessica
I just...

Angie
Are you lying? Because telling the truth is good and not telling the truth is not good.

Jessica
I just-

Angie
‘Cause Diosito is watching you and if you lie he’s gonna put a baby in your stomach.

Jessica
What? Anyway I just-

Angie
Ahuh! I saw it in a movie with people hugging and a music that was all like boom chika bow wow!

Jessica
(Aggravated) Anyway-

Angie
Then she was all like no, and then he was all like yes! yes! an’ then I went to go watch Chavo na Ocho and then-

Bob
Dam it Angie go to your room!

Angie
No...oh wait, yeah...

Angie leaves.


Julia
Why didn't you want to go to school?

Jessica
(sigh) Well I just....I....

Jessica
It’s career day at school and I’m embarrassed of dad.

Bob
Embarrassed?!  I’ll show you embarrassed you little..!

Julia
Calm down Roberto. Take a deep breath and count to ten...

Bob
Count to ten? This isn’t hide ‘n go seek Julia!

Jessica
You see... all the other parents have cool jobs ...

Bob
I’ve got a cool job!

Jessica
They all have interesting lives, great personalities... and rock hard abs...and dad always does something incredibly embarrassing.

Bob
What are you talking about? I never get embarrassed.

Jessica
I meant embarrassing for me!Like the time I introduced you to my boy-friend!

Bob
I can’t believe your still mad at me because of that! So I got a little stain on his shirt, what’s the big deal?

Jessica
Little stain? You vomited on him!

Bob
Well excuse me for trying to loose weight. It’s called the bulimic diet, look it up!

Jessica
GOD! You don’t understand me at all! It’s like we’re complete strangers.

Bob
What are you talking about Sandra?

Jessica
My names Jessica!

Bob
Oh... what did I say?

Jessica
Sandra

Bob
...and how do you pronounce it?

INT. LIVING ROOM

Bob
I can’t believe Sandra’s ashamed of me...

Samo
It’s not that hard to believe.

Bob
I gotta do something to change her mind about me... maybe I can beat it out of ‘er!

Julia
Or you could just show her how cool you really are at career day today.

Bob
Yeah, I guess... but I was really rooting for the beating option.

Julia
Oh and while your going out anyway can you pick up some food for MR. Whiskers?

Bob
I’m not bringing anything for that cat! Last week he put poison in my food, yesterday he cut the brakes to my car and this morning he changed my alarm clock from stun to kill!

Mr. Whiskers crawls in on all fours. He’s a cute little fury cat.

Julia
Bob! He’s just a cat, you know he cant possibly do any of that stuff!

She picks up the cat and pets him. Julia leaves the room but the cat stays behind.

Mr. Whiskers
Now that she’s gone I have a few demands!

Bob
Can it cat! I’m not goin to-

Mr. Whiskers
Oh you are going to listen to me because if you don’t Julia will have your ass! So until you get rid of Julia or until you get rid of me your my BITCH! (He throws a piece of paper with writing on it to Bob) Now get me the things I need from that list!

Mr. Whiskers storms out.

Bob
Damn cat...

EXT. SAN JERARDO HIGH SCHOOL- DAY

subtitle: Career Day

INT. SAN JERARDO HIGH SCHOOL

JRE (VO)
Career day sucks. It’s the day when kids fathers go to their school and show off their interesting jobs to a bunch of kids who pretend to give a rats ass.

We see an ugly man teaching the class.

JRE (VO)
This cara de bulldog is Mr. Masias. Not only is he a rat faced bastard he also constantly sounds as if he’s reading from a piece of paper.

MR. Masias
Hello, class. Welcome to career day.

Bob
Hah! That guy talks funny. (mocking) ‘Hello class and welcome to career day. I have a stupid little mustache and no personality. Tengo cara de bulldog.’ Hah! What a queer.

Mr. Masias
You have insulted me in such a way that which I have never been insulted before in my life. The reason I talk like this is because I was hit with shrapnel in the Australian-American war.

Bob
Their was no Australian-American war...


Mr. Masias
 I will not sit here and listen to these insults. I would ask you to step outside and settle it like a man if I were not such a sissy girl.

The first parent goes up in front of the class.

Ninja
Hello kids! Who can guess what my job is?

The students all yell out their answers.

Students
Prostitute! Bum! Chris Rock! I need to pee!

Chavo
...esta re menso el maistro Longanisa....

Ninja
Well your all close, but I’m actually a professional NINJA!

The class gives a series of  ‘ooos’ and ‘ahhhs.’

Ninja
Yeah it’s great. I get to assassinate people for a living and plus I have rock hard abs. Of course all my life I’ve looked up to the three great assassins of history ; John Wilks Booth; Lee Harvey Oswald and of course Brad Pitt.


Bob
Brad Pitt? What did he kill?

Ninja
He murdered the sacred art of acting.

Mr. Masias
Señor Giggles you are up next.

The next parent goes up. He’s a monkey.

Señor Giggles
Have any of you ever wanted to run away from society and join the circus?

The class replies with nods.

Señor Giggles
Well I did just the opposite! I ran away from the circus to join society! Long story short, I’m addicted to crystal meth.

Giggles JR
That’s my daddy!

The next parent goes up.

Captain Super Hero
I’m.... CAPTAIN SUPER HERO!

Bob
Ah come on, that last one’s not even a real job!

Student 1
My dad’s a super-villain you jerk!

Wonder Boy
That’s my dad! He can see threw walls!

Student 2
But can he see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Captain Super Hero
It has super-human strength?

Student 2
No silly! It has swirls a sugar and cinnamon in every bight!

Jessica
Even Jack has a better job than you dad…

MR. Masias
Tell us what you do Jack…

Jack
Jack sell crack!


INT. BOB’S CAR

Bob and Samo are driving home. A bubble pops up on the screen with a person inside. It’s JRE continuing to narrate the story.

JRE
Bob was noticeably disappointed...

Bob
I’m disappointed!

Samo
It’s noticeable...

JRE
The purpose of going to Career Day was to show Jessica how much better he was than the other parents. He failed....

Bob
Oh god, all those other parents had way better jobs than me... I mean did you see that Captain Super Hero guy?!  He has tons of money, great teeth and a great wife.

EXT. CALIFORNIA ROOFTOPS - SUNSET

Captain Super Hero
(Laughing) I love my job! I have lots of money... (rubs money all over himself) great teeth... (his teeth sparkle)  ...and a great wife! Lets go honey!

Wife
Ok dear...

They fly off in to the sunset.

Captain Super Hero
I love you transvestite man.

INT. BOBS CAR

Bob
Damn it! Everyone has a better job than me.

Samo
Yeah, dad, you really suck ass...

Bob
Thanks for the support boy!

Samo
No problem!

Bob
What am I gonna do?

JRE
And  so he thought long and hard... He’s about to have a great idea... wait for it... wait for it... here it comes... oh no wait he’s just passing gas. Now he’s got an idea.

Bob
I’ve got it! I’ll quit my job! (Pulls out his phone, dials and talks.)Yea, MR. S? I’m just calling to tell you that I hate your stupid sounding name.
(we hear yelling come from the phone)
Yea, no more nine to five, no more crunching numbers, no more sitting in that desk all day long day dreaming of having an affair with the hot girl from Dark Angel. You can take your stupid job, your stupid name and your stupid big-breasted secretary and shove it! That’s rite I QUIT!

[Reply #8 on:]

Um... maybe you should make your script coherant?

[Reply #9 on:]

i thought it was established that this part of the forum was for Futurama fics only.

[Reply #10 on:]

What the bloody hell is that?