Chay got priapism from Tron: Legacy - Upcoming Films thread

[Reply #720 on:]

I'm happy for them to make 'A Good Day to Die Hard'. They're yet to produce a 'Die Hard' movie that I don't like

Then you're going to love sequels they have planned!

A Good Day to Die Hard, the upcoming one, features John McClane going up against a cadre of Star Trek fans dressed up as Klingons.

Next, in late 2013, we'll have Die-er Harder-er, which pits McClane against the public school system.

di3 hrd: film takes place entirely in virtual reality - a blatant Tron ripoff.

In 2015 we'll see Bi Hard, where Hans Gruber is revealed to have survived the events of the first film. He makes his peace with McClane and together they both explore their sexuality.

Some time after that, the studio plans to film Live and Let Die Hard, a crossover with James Bond.

After that, Never say Die... HARD! Ha! See what we did there? Yeah, it's another Die Hard movie (working title), which will feature Eastern European terrorists as the antagonists.

Dead Hard is the planned horror instalment, with the reanimated corpse of John McClane going up against vampires.

Buy Hard will be the 11th film, which will be set at Christmas once again. John McClane braves the last-minute shopping hordes. The whole film is set in a mall and follows the bald bastard as he tries to purchase everything on his list. There will be no actual bad guy or violence in the film.

Die Easy - a short film planned for the Cannes Film Festival, which sees John McClane, looking tired and fed-up, toss a grenade into a room full of terrorists, instantly killing them all. McClane then walks away, muttering "this is fucking stupid".

To Die Hard, or not to Die Hard - film planned to adapt various material from Shakespeare into an ultra-violent terrorist comedy.

I Can't Believe it's not Die Hard! is planned for 2022. Although it actually really is Die Hard, a scene-for-scene remake of the original starring Justin Bieber.

Ignoring the previous film, which is already expected to fail miserably, the studio plans to bring back Bruce Willis for a final movie, tentatively titled: Everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die... HARD..

Unused titles for this stupid post:

Die Hard, Die: (Nobody who speaks German could be evil)

Muppet Die Hard

Tomorrow Never Dies Hard

A Tale of Two Die Hards

Die Harderester

A Midsummer Night's Die Hard

The Strange Case of Dr Die and Mr Hard

The Importance of Dying Hard

20,000 Leagues Under the Die Hard



I'll stop now.

[Reply #721 on:]

WE GET IT....

[Reply #722 on:]

I'd kill for the next 'Die Hard' film to be a 'Jurassic Park' crossover.

Basically, Hans Gruber's son or something played by someone awesome like Christoph Waltz or James McAvoy, goes to Jurassic Park with his terrorist lackies with the intent of training the dinosaurs for evil and strapping laser weapons to their heads (a genuine, scrapped concept for JP4 saw the government doing just this) and then unleashing them on the general public unless the world government pays them a bazillion dollars.

To show them that they mean business, they set some water-based dinosaur on a cruise-ship passing by. It just so happens to contain John McClane for some reason. A guy told him that the secret to surviving boat travel is to take your shoes off and make balls with your feet so when the ship is capsized and he manages to make it to the island (the only survivor), he's stuck with no shoes on. John takes it into his own hands to stop the terrorists because he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Along the way he sees a dinosaur hatch and it thinks that he's its mother so it follows him about (setting up the badass dinosaur sidekick for 'Die Hard 6'). Then he bumps into Rambo who was also aboard the ship but presumed dead until now. The two of them team up to kick dino-butt.

They can call it 'Die, Turn Into a Fossil, Hard'.


In all seriousness though, I'm very disappointed in the director choice for 'A Good Day to Die Hard' seeing as Joe Cornish (of Adam & Joe who recently debuted as a director with 'Attack the Block') was in the running. He's very vocal about his distaste for 'Live Free or Die Hard' and I think he would have worked hard to give us a real "back to basics" 'Die Hard' film.

[Reply #723 on:]

Also, the title is shit. Which was the basis of my earlier silliness.

[Reply #724 on:]

Shame on you for 'Dead Hard'.

You could have gone with 'Why Won't You Die Hard' or 'Die, Horde (of the Undead)'.

Also, what about 'Die Lard' in which John McClane puts on a load of weight due to some post-traumatic stress or something and loses his job as a cop, meaning that he has to get a job as mall security. It's basically a parody of 'Pall Blart: Mall Cop'.

And the next one can be called 'Diet Hard'.

[Reply #725 on:]

Yeah, well... I could have gone on and on.
How about:

Die Hardy, where he teams with the Hardy Boys to thwart the bloodthirsty terrorists of Pirate Cove, or

Fly Hard, like Snakes on a Plane except with terrorists instead of snakes... so, more like Air Force One without the President.

Cry Hard, being a human drama dealing with the emotional aftermath of the previous films. Or how about

Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die Hard, a wild west instalment.

Whosoever Believes in Him Shall Not Die Hard, McClane takes on Christian fundamentalism.

MacGuy-Hard, MacGuyver crossover.

Dry Hard: 90-minutes of McClane's collected one-liners.

Also,

A Die Hard Day's Night

When in Rome, Die Harder than the Romans Do

Die Hard Another Day

Pass Away With Some Difficulty

Die Herd, with sheep as the villains.

Just Let Me Die... Hard - made when Willis is in his 80s.

[Reply #726 on:]

We who are about to Die Hard, salute you - John McClane vs Nero.

[Reply #727 on:]

What happened to 'To Die too Hard'?  Which is possibly the best name ever.

[Reply #728 on:]

There's actually an old Seagal film called Hard to Kill, which sounds like the low-budget obvious Die Hard ripoff. Like Radioactive Man => Radiation Dude.

[Reply #729 on:]

Hard to Kill isn't that bad; it isn't a Die Hard rip off either.

[Reply #730 on:]

'Dyke Hard' - John McClane goes head to head with a pack of manly, German lesbians.

[Reply #731 on:]

'Dyke Hard' - John McClane goes head to head with a pack of manly, German lesbians.

Heh. That would also work as "Dyke Horde". If they're killing prostitutes as well, it could be "Dyke Hard: Die Whores!"

[Reply #732 on:]

Pi Hard - John McClane tries to learn mathematics for 180 minutes.

[Reply #733 on:]

I fear this thread may be damaged beyond repair.

'Coconut Shy Hard' - A prequel in which John McClane goes to a funfair and tries his luck at the coconut shy run by Hans Gruber's father. It's rigged so John loses all of his money and spends the rest of the film crying about how the game was too hard.

[Reply #734 on:]

October Sky Hard: John McClane competes in a model rocketry contest with Hans Gruber's great uncle, who happens to be a former Peenemünde scientist.

[Reply #735 on:]

'Boys Don't Cry Hard' - John McClane wants to patch things up with his his estranged wife, Holly. After tracking her down, he's amazed to find that she's had an epiphany followed by a sex-change. Can he still make things work between them?

[Reply #736 on:]

Yay, I ruined a thread!

If At First You Don't Succeed, Die, Die Hard Again

[Reply #737 on:]

Rye Hard: The incredible tale about how an amazing slice of Rye-wheat bread turns stale overnight when it's owner forgets to put it away. He would regret it for the rest of his life!

[Reply #738 on:]

Or even... Catcher in the Rye Hard - McClane rids the world of "phoneys".

[Reply #739 on:]

Old Habits DIE HARD

[Reply #740 on:]

^ Would that have Nuns in it? Nuns with guns?

[Reply #741 on:]

'Awry Hard' - A re-imagining of the first film, directed by David Lynch.

[Reply #742 on:]

Dr. Gruber Or: How I Learnt to Stop Worrying and Die Hard - John McClane is the American President, and his former adversary is helping avoid a nuclear apocalypse.

Construct Hard - A National Geographic documentary about a building McClane helped construct.

Hard (Die) - A psychological thriller between McClane and Gruber's nephew set at a two-man Christmas Party, directed by Lars von Trier.

[Reply #743 on:]

'Dick Hard' - A re-imagining of the first film, directed by Ron Jeremy.

[Reply #744 on:]

Scry Hard - McClane visits a fortune teller.
Sty Hard - McClane gets a pet pig.
Sly Hard - Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone fight over whether Rocky or Die Hard is the better franchise.
Sigh Hard - McClane's bored, having been demoted to a desk job forever. He spends two hours filling out forms, and utters a broken, sobbing exhalation of rage and frustration at the end of the film.

Sigh Hard II: Sigh Harder - McClane quits his police job, becomes a traffic warden. After he's ticketed a single mom, a disabled lady, a gay couple, and a local celebrity he is hated by all of New York. He retreats to his tiny, one-room apartment and utters a broken, sobbing exhalation of rage and frustration.

Sigh Hard III: Sigh Hardest - McClane has quit his traffic warden job and become a park-keeper. After a hard day picking up litter, he is about to go home when a garbage truck overturns and spills trash all over his nice clean park. McClane utters a small sigh, then hangs himself from the nearest tree.
Snipe Hard - Bruce Willis and Wesley Snipes fight over whether Blade or Die Hard is the better Franchise.
Shite Hard - McClane beats constipation.

Shite hard II: Shite Harder - McClane gets the runs.
Smite Hard - McClane becomes a priest, and dispenses justice along with forgiveness. Both take the form of savage beatings.
Skype Hard - McClane has a two-hour skype conversation with his ex-wife about their divorce.
Die Harp - McClane inherits a cursed musical instrument that brings him nothing but bad luck until he pushes it off a skyscraper.

Die Harp II: Die Harper - John McClane meets Charlie Harper's ghost (from two and a half men). After being haunted by him for an hour and a half, McClane convinces Harper's shade to take up residence in another harp, which he gives to his hated boss as a Christmas present.

Die Harp III: Die Harpist - McClane's boss won't stop playing the damn harp. Killing him is the only option.

Die Harp 4 - Charlie Harper's ghost is released from its prison when McClane pushes the second harp off a skyscraper.
Dial Hard - McClane's phone is broken. It's really difficult for him to make calls now.

Dial Hard II: Dial Harder - McClane gets a new phone, but presses too hard on the screen. It cracks, and it's now really difficult for him to make calls.
Dine Hard - McClane becomes aware of a terrorist plot in a fancy restaurant. Militant chefs are attempting to steal the hamburger from America and sell it to the highest bidding nation.
Dry Hard -  McClane searches for a really nice fluffy towel that he can use when he gets out of the shower.

Dry Hard II: Dry Harder -  McClane searches for a towel for his new girlfriend, because she's constantly stealing his.

Dry Hard III: Dry Hardest -  McClane must find a better towel. His is no longer as fluffy and absorbant as when it was new.

That's all I've got for now.

[Reply #745 on:]

'Citizen McClane' - John McClane runs for president against Barack Oblama.

[Reply #746 on:]

"Mime Hard": John McClane applies for the circus...

"Grind Hard": John McClane starts grinding with a stripper...

"Breakfast Time Hard": John McClane runs out bananas for his cereal, and must run to the supermarket before his Lucky Charms get soggy.

"Waste of Time Hard": John McClane watches: 'The Hangover 2'.

[Reply #747 on:]

'Lime Hard' - John McClane has to deal with some British terrorists like in that episode of 'South Park'.

[Reply #748 on:]

'Lime Hard' - John McClane has to deal with some British terrorists like in that episode of 'South Park'.

The Snuke.

[Reply #749 on:]

'I, Hard' - John McClane discovers that he is a robot with a false set of pre-programmed memories. He hunts down his assumed-to-be-dead-until-now creator, Hans Gruber, in search of answers.

[Reply #750 on:]

A Streetcar Named Desi-Hard

[Reply #751 on:]

Bow-Tie Hard - John McClane stumbles into the TARDIS.

[Reply #752 on:]

I was seconds away from posting about 'Tie Hard' in which McClane accidentally uses too much starch when washing his clothes, but it seems to similar to that.

[Reply #753 on:]

Lie Hard: John McClane cheats on his wife for her sister, but he must lie to avoid extra daily beatings. The non-sexual kind of beatings...

[Reply #754 on:]

Lie Hard 2: John McClane tries to get out of his bed for 90 mins.

Lie Hard 3- Dead Hard: John McClane dies after the events of Lie Hard 2

[Reply #755 on:]

Lie Hard 4: McClane lies in his coffin, slowly decomposing. Time-lapse footage makes us believe that a thousand years have passed in only two hours. People exiting the cinema are amazed to see buildings still standing.

[Reply #756 on:]

Lie hard 1.2- The prequel to Lie Hard 2 that has McClane sleeping for 9 hours.

Tri Hard: McClane is taking a photo and he sets up his tri-pod. Staring Rob Schneider.

Fly Hard: After taking drugs McClane thinks he can fly.

[Reply #757 on:]

Lie hard 1.2- The prequel to Lie Hard 2 that has McClane sleeping for 9 hours.

Trying Too Hard: Beanoz4 beats a dead horse until somebody takes it away from him.

[Reply #758 on:]

Why thank you.

[Reply #759 on:]

Fry Hard: Stars Philip J. Fry as John McClane.