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Author Topic: Guy you've never heard of writes something mediocre!  (Read 29091 times)
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Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #680 on: 07-20-2006 03:03 »

That's when a bunch of peelers meet in real life. Usually in NY but ocasionally other places as well. Check out the peelathon thread in offtopic to see pics from the event.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #681 on: 07-20-2006 11:54 »

Venus:  Fine, then you get into bed with Kloudes… Nerd-o and I will… code or something I don’t know.  Maybe I'd send child support if you e-mailed your parents once in a while.   frown

Further replies when the next update comes, but a preemptive thanks and welcome-to-PEEL to Ride the Walrus.  There’s 4.75 more fics in this thread to read, and other amazing authors to check out as well, so stick around. 

Anyways... I'm sorry to say it, but I’m stuck.  Really really stuck.  No writing ever stuck.  Someone please save me…   
NIC2001

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #682 on: 07-20-2006 14:14 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by *Jberges*:
*Someone please save me…*

“Throw a rope at Jberges.”
Hang on! I’ll pull you back in the boat… Oh shit!  Swim Jbergers! Swim! Don’t look back! Trust me man swim!
“Pull Jbergers out of the water just in time to see a big shark head going back under water.”
Ok your safe now! Go back to work.

(Sorry, I’m in the middle of a Jaws movie marathon at my house. That damn (cool) Jaws music is stuck in my head and I can’t get it out. So that’s why I wrote that and… ah never mind.)   wink
Nerd-o-rama

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #683 on: 07-20-2006 15:14 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Venus:  Fine, then you get into bed with Kloudes… Nerd-o and I will… code or something I don’t know.  Maybe I'd send child support if you e-mailed your parents once in a while.    frown
Yes...code...that's exactly what we'd be doing.  Please ignore the video camera...
 
Quote
Anyways... I'm sorry to say it, but I’m stuck.  Really really stuck.  No writing ever stuck.  Someone please save me…
Hot lesbo scene?

Sorry, trying to help.  Seriously, I know you're a far more experienced writer than I am, but a trick that always works for me is to simply ignore what you're "supposed" to be doing and write whatever comes to mind as you think of it.  Do this until your mind comes back to your subject naturally, and you've cleared out whatever other thoughts you were having.  This works especially well when you don't have a deadline, i.e. now.

Now if only I could apply this to programming without doing something illegal...

"Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows."

GP: 100 Nixorbucks
XP: 500
Next level: 1000
ClonedWizard

Crustacean
*
« Reply #684 on: 07-20-2006 15:55 »

Sweet.  I'm finally able to discuss the second Futurama Fanfic writer's works that I ever read.

Regarding the spoiler for the picture:

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Ugh, after typing that out it's not as cool as when I first thought of it...

I think that that is plenty cool, and no one else has complained about it, so I wouldn't worry about it.

I have enjoyed all of the fics so far, but my favorite has to be "The ButterFry Effect".  I'm quite proud of myself:  I actually understood it on the first read-through without getting a headache.  However, until someone else mentions them, I do miss most of the puns in all the stories, so I suppose it's sort of a trade-off.
Xanfor

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #685 on: 07-24-2006 13:58 »

My favorite JBERGES fic is his Anthology of Interest. I was going to write the Hitchhiker's spoof! But hey, I've got dibs on 'Red Dwarf'. In your face! Ha!

 
Quote
Anyways... I'm sorry to say it, but I’m stuck. Really really stuck. No writing ever stuck. Someone please save me…

Eh, well, you know what they say. Mathematic puns are the first sine of madness.

HopelessShipper

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #686 on: 07-24-2006 14:48 »
« Last Edit on: 07-24-2006 14:48 »

Edit: I'm a dumbass!
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #687 on: 07-27-2006 12:17 »

SlackJaw: Forgot the plot?  Just shake your fist in anger whenever you see a pun, or turn it into some sort of drinking game.  Alright everyone, re-read the thread, and drink whenever you see a pun!

Shiny: Take your time; your pledged reply will never be as delayed as Layla’s ( tongue to both of you)

Venus: MST3K is like child support… it’s how I was raised at least.  Enjoy!

NIC2001: John Williams’s work is always stuck in my head too.  No problem.

Nerd-o: I wrote this all at work, so that’s kind of following your advice, right?

ClonedWizard: Another astrophysics nerd?  Awesome.  Welcome to PEEL.

HopelessShipper:  What happened there?  Almost posted in a non-ship thread? For shame…


Surprise writer’s-block-addled update!!!  I’m still working out what’s happening next (making progress) but I figured I could take the story to just the point where stuff starts to happen.  Because of this, it’s a very short section, but I hope it’s enjoyable.

Part 11

Chapter 6

The field of medicine in the 31st century can only be described as magic by most.  Heart attacks, heart murmurs (a variation of THS), achy-breaky hearts, dislocated faces, and other common ailments all have simple and effective cures.  Doctors can do almost anything, but as it goes, they have no fiscally solvent reason to do so.  If everything in the universe was cured, just what would become of the doctors?  Thus, some ‘incurable’ diseases are left to reproduce unscathed, and remedies for afflictions such as obesity are reserved for those with either a lot of money or the required connections.

Similarly, it makes sense that the common med-kit only has enough remedial value to keep one alive long enough for want of another med-kit.  Indeed, a standard med-kit is about as remedial as it gets.   The dermis-fusers work only for minor cuts, salves are painful and inefficient, and painkiller bottles actually contain SweetTarts and watch batteries.  In some ways, the PE crew is lucky to have a doctor as amicably willing as Zoidberg.  While he’s clearly unsuited for his profession, he actually wants to help, and will use anything at his medicinal disposal (or from his medicinal disposal) to do so. 

Holly rubbed the back of her head; the minor wound seemed healed enough, and part of her wondered if it had not simply been the result of her brain attempting to escape her recently abusive body.  She checked the sprawled doctor one last time to make sure he has been properly knocked out and would not wake during their repair work.  By her calculations she had about twenty-four hours to go, and quite frankly, part of her wanted to be sedated as well.
 
“Holly, get down here!  Something broke off and I can’t tell if it’s from me or the engine!”

The woman locked the door as she left.

“I’m coming Kui, be careful down there!  If the engines are quantum then there’s a chance of duality!”

She hustled to the ladder; hoping her two pre-dropout years of technical training would pay off.

----------

Amy struggled to free her fettered limbs, annoyed that her two years of technical training could not help her this time. 

Charlie had not been back yet, and she wondered just where they were flying, just what her captor thought he was doing, and why they hadn’t caught up to the rest of the crew yet.  What time was it?  Had she fallen asleep or just zoned out?  Now semi-prone and shifting to her side, the cool tile floor chilled her face to a peculiar numb state.  If she could just stand up… but the chair was too heavy and unwieldy for her petite body.  For once, the Martian wished she had her captain’s build.

Just when Amy had contorted herself in the most compromising position imaginable, Charlie sauntered back through the doorway.

“Oh I’m sorry, am I interrupting something private?”

Amy dropped flat again in anger and embarrassment.  The chair pressed ruthlessly on her as she landed, but she didn’t dare show it.

“Hey, how about untying me now?  I’ve been good, right?”

“I’ll let you go once I get to your robot; isn’t my word enough?  Look at things from my side.”

Amy didn’t bother to ponder this, but had resigned to make a compromise.

“Will... will you pick me back up at least?”

Charlie obliged quicker than he would have liked, and steadied the chair back at its normal position at the table.  Amy heaved a sigh of relief just before the lizard’s rough  hand grasped her wrist forcefully.

She cringed and closed her eyes… but no harm or violation came.  She meekly opened them again.

“Hey, where are you going with that thing I wear on my wrist?!”

“You have Leela’s frequency in here I assume.  We passed the cab your crew was in a while ago, but it had astro-jettisoned them.”

“What?!”

“I thought it’d be easy to find them at first but there’s a few planets they could be on, and I don’t feel like searching too hard.   I’ll get a lock on her with this.”

Amy didn’t respond; this explained why her friends hadn’t come back for her, but then what had become of them?

“Surprised it does more than make calls and organize dates?” Charlie continued though the stillness, “Don’t worry sweetie, I won’t mess with your calendar.”

He lingered as the cloud of patronization settled like a fine powder over the room, then promptly left the woman to baste in it.  Amy was beyond infuriated as the door slammed shut.  Despite her casually ditsy ways, any misogynistic behavior immediately sent her spiraling into feminist student mode. 

“As soon as I get free...” she seethed to herself. “I’ll show him who the clever one is.  I’ll blind him with science…”

For the time being, of course, she would simply have to tarry away the minutes.

“…and acid.”

Back on the planet which Fry, Leela, and Bender had never bothered to ascertain the name of, a small plume of smoke visible past the valley they had entered finally gave visual confirmation that they were near.  Leela held out an arm to stop the other two, and turned to give orders.

“Alright, we don’t know who or what we’re dealing with here.  It could be pirates, criminals, or confused geriatrics.  In any case, we’ll attack-“

“What if it’s just Zoid-“

-we’ll attack via attack plan 41 Surround.  Everyone sync their Captain Cadoodle Secret Spy watches.  Fry, what time do you have?”

“Exactly 12:00… now!  ...wait… 12:03… 12:05!  My God, we’re in a time warp!”

“Turn off the stop watch.”

“Right.”

“And Bender, that’s not a standard Cadoodle-issue watch.”

“Yeah, well in retrospect, the cab driver had it coming.”

“Whatever. You guys know the drill…”

“I thought ‘The Drill’ was attack plan beta double-drill”

“For the last time Fry,” Bender shouted, “no two-bit operations!”

“Not that type of drill!” Leela interjected “And besides, you’re thinking of attack plan beta awl router bore”

“Awl routers bore?” Fry wasn’t keeping up.

“Oh yeah,” Bender replied. “Have you met my half-sister Link-Sis? She goes on, and on, and on…”

The squabble continued for several minutes; almost a page straight out of A Bot and Costello’s latest comedy routine.  When they had finally sorted it all out, they took their respective positions, and closed in on the waiting vessel.
 
----------------------------------------
Tell me what you think if you can.  Thanks to Kloudes for taking the time to beta (at work as well).  Until next time…


Brevity is the soul of
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #688 on: 07-27-2006 12:58 »
« Last Edit on: 07-27-2006 12:58 »

most hilarious update ever   smile  I love the idea that future doctors keep themselves in business by not curing everything.  Although come to think of it, my doctor may be doing that now...  That bit about the captain kaboodle spy watches was classic, as was the stuff about the drills at the end.  This story just keeps getting better and better!
Nerd-o-rama

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #689 on: 07-27-2006 13:38 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Alright everyone, re-read the thread, and drink whenever you see a pun!
Great idea, John.  Now I'm in a coma.  And that's just after this last update.

"Finally, I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows."

GP: 100 Nixorbucks
XP: 500
Next level: 1000
Xanfor

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #690 on: 07-27-2006 15:23 »

 
Quote
A Bot and Costello

I've got to finish my next fic... You're using all my puns!  wink

Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #691 on: 07-27-2006 15:37 »

heehee, i bet most of the puns flew right over my head, but i enjoyed the ones i got!
PCC Fred

Space Pope
****
« Reply #692 on: 07-27-2006 18:28 »
« Last Edit on: 07-27-2006 18:28 »

 
Quote
“As soon as I get free...” she seethed to herself. “I’ll show him who the clever one is. I’ll blind him with science…”

“…and acid.”

Sod the hilariously funny puns, this was the best line!   smile

Now, about those hilariously funny puns...  laff
Shiny

Professor
*
« Reply #693 on: 07-29-2006 16:40 »
« Last Edit on: 07-29-2006 16:40 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:

Shiny: Take your time; your pledged reply will never be as delayed as Layla's (   tongue to both of you)

You must admit that I finally delivered on my pledge TO Layla!  So   tongue right back at ya!

I still feel like I have to wait until I see more of the story to review the whole thing properly, but I'm preparing a "review of shippiness" for the shippy scene.  As for this update, Soylent Orange and PCC Fred covered most of my favorite lines...

...most, but not all!

 
Quote
...painkiller bottles actually contain SweetTarts and watch batteries...

...part of her wondered if it had not simply been the result of her brain attempting to escape her recently abusive body...

"...If the engines are quantum then there's a chance of duality!"

...Just when Amy had contorted herself in the most compromising position imaginable, Charlie sauntered back....

...cloud of patronization settled like a fine powder over the room...

"...we'll attack-" / "What if it's just Zoid-" / "-we'll attack via plan..."

"...12:03… 12:05!  My God, we're in a time warp!" / "Turn off the stop watch."


And I have to say THANK YOU for getting Amy upright again.  That was really bothering me.  In general, I'm loving the Charlie and Amy interaction.  I also was totally amused that Holly drugged Zoidberg. And that Zoidberg's very lack of doctorial skill made him a more effective healer on occasion.

Two quibbles: "contorted herself in the most compromising position imaginable..." I feel like that should be "into the most compromising..." etc.

And I just don't like the last paragraph.  Don't get me wrong, A Bot and Costello is brilliant, but I don't think the summarization works well.  Not sure how to fix it at the moment, though. 

But great work overall.   big grin

Layla50

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #694 on: 07-29-2006 17:39 »

Hey! I’m only, one, two… eighteen, nineteen pages… that’s pretty darn late!  wink

Well, if I take forever about it (and by if, I mean when, and by when I mean ‘though I constantly’) at the least I review the heck out of things I review.
 
Quote
Part 7
Remember this? You started it with a neat talk about technology which manages to be technobabbly enough to convince me you know what your talking about while jabbing playfully at cannon oddities and using the term Space-Legos. I liked it!
 
Quote
“We can’t go back, damnit!” snapped Leela. “I refuse to lose my ship to... to whoever happens to be stealing it!”
Great Leela line! I miss writing Leela, and I like her edgier side, which I tend to coat with gooey treacle. I just like the way you write her in general.
 
Quote
“You WHAT?” This was enough to elicit an alarum inside of Leela. “Have you no conviction?!”
“Three last month alone, and that’s why I approve your idea of getting as far away from here as possible.”
A bit of an unavoidably awkward set up, but the payoff more than justifies it!
 
Quote
“Just trying to follow that ship, like you said, ma’am.” He responded, pointing a heretofore uncategorized appendage towards the Planet Express ship, which appeared to be engaged in some sort of insectan mating dance.
I like the description here, a lot, and structure wise, the way you remind us about the broken drives.
 
Quote
“What the hell did that damn lobster do?!” Screeched Holly, clinging to the captain’s chair for dear life, having previously neglected to engage her seat restraint.
And Zoidberg gets the blame. Beautiful.
 
Quote
If Holly’s immediate response was accurately transcribed, it would be liable to contain more ellipses than the standard geometry book. Who could crack a joke at a time like this?
You would, dahling, you would. I’m sure you won’t appreciate this, but if I ever find myself in a desperate, life-threatening situation, I want you right there with me, bro.
 
Quote
“But... but he might be naked!” Kui’s expression contorted in a fairly anomalous way for a killing machine.
And jiggling! Gah! I’m very fond of this robot you’ve created. He’s hilarious, as is Bender, who’s lack of concern for life of any kind, including his own to some extent, never fails to warm my heart.
 
Quote
Ah, the paltry marvels of non-Bender technology...”
Heh, great line!
 
Quote
“Y’know, the Cirque du A.C?” Leela resumed, “It’s this big spectacle that travels from system to system and a bunch of girly guys dance-“
Laughs self sick at Cirque du A.C. and the cabbies fantasy. Awesome, awesome way of finding out the purpose of the camera.
 
Quote
“You... take... that... back.” The cabbie raged, now with a tone that suggested a nerve had been sliced and haphazardly torn from the flesh. In a startling coincidence, Fry concurrently lost his nerve.
You’re wonderful, Bergey despite the notable handicap of being American. :P Reading your stories is like being thrust back into the days when I actually studied physics, only with a really hilarious teacher… actually Mr. MacMillan was funny too, in a scary way that involved graphic descriptions of car crashes and former students.
 
Quote
Meanwhile, Fry’s thought from a minute and a half ago finally reached his mouth. “What’s happening? Why was that guy so mad?”
Hah, that made me laugh, as did angstroms of angst.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 8
Charlie continues to be both scary and intriguing and an all around great character. Amy’s empathy for him is interesting as well. It’s a different, more serious side of her.
 
Quote
“But... but they need to get our ship back first! You’re going to leave me tied up for hours?” Frankly, she was used to the arrangement, but not the circumstances.
Hah, nice dig!
 
Quote
“You’re losing it! Losing it! Think this through!” He barked at a nearby mirror. There was a pregnant pause, and it appeared to be triplets. “Damnit... why can’t I...” he broke off sharply.
And he’s crazy too! Great! I really don’t understand him at all, which is a lot of fun.
 
Quote
“Kui, do you want to die?!”
“I wasn’t being serious, I-”
“No, I mean, do you want me to kill you, right now, with a sizeable blunt object?”
These two a quite a pair… I guess planet express doesn’t have a monopoly on fantastically inefficient crews.
 
Quote
“Yeah, just hold it steady. Bisect the gap, and then- woah! More bisectually! More bisectually!”
Shakes head and laughs. Oh, Bergey.
 
Quote
She braced herself. This was it. The last thing she heard made her both wince and smile in the most morbid of ways.
“You fixed the shaking while I got my shell? Splendid! I was beginning to wonder if- Brrrraaaa!!!!!”
Hilarious! Ah Zoidberg, the only person the universe hates more than Leela.
Chapter 5
Again, I like your technobabbly asides. Always very interesting and amusing, and you don’t fall prey to the temptation of really rambling… unlike myself. Loved the new laws, particularly number four.
 
Quote
The odds of finding one in places where you’d actually need one are nil to negative slim.
I loved the term negative slim and it nicely contrasts with Fry’s optimism.
 
Quote
Everyone had survived the spectacular crash, as usual. Crashes had become so mundane to the trio that Leela had even stopped mentioning them in mission logs and diary entries. They simply weren’t worth the waste of time to describe them.
Very funny!
 
Quote
“Oh…” Fry seemed enlightened. “I just thought everyone in the future used telepathy.”
“Well that’s just stupid. When have you ever-”
Fry raised his finger as if to interject, and stared cogitatively at her.
“Fry, I can’t read your thoughts.”
Loved this take on the age old sci-fi problem of language. It ranks right up there with “By an astonishing coincidence, both our languages are exactly the same.”
You know, if Leela was any kind of practical joker she could certainly make Fry think she could read his thoughts… not like it would be difficult.
 
Quote
It was a beacon of hope, as well as a normal beacon, not associated with an emotion.
So clever! I just love your writing!
 
Quote
Let’s head into town and see if we can bum a ride.”
“Or ride a bum.” added Bender.
See above comment.
 
Quote
Part 9
 “Uhhhghh... am I dead?”
“Yes. I’m so sorry. I did all I could-”
Ah, Zoidberg. Bane of everyone’s existence. How I love thee from a safe distance.
 
Quote
“We. Are. Screwed!”

Maybe it’s the ship itself that is the cause of all their problems… I mean, the professor built it, surely no good could come of that. They’re just better off without it.
 
Quote
“We’re... we’re not making it out of this Hol.” He suddenly sobbed. “We’re going to die and this lobster’s going to be here through it all, as unharmed and stupid as ever.”
Have I mentioned that I love that robot? I do.
 
Quote
In fact, Zoidberg had not moved since Holly first saw him. He remained quiet, watching purposefully.
*Shakes Bergey’s hand.* Congrats. You have just made Zoidberg even more creepy.
 
Quote
“Which one, the former or the ladder?”
John, John, John. I hope medical science never finds the cure for wordplay.
 
Quote
“And fat!”
Aw, they’re bonding over fat jokes. That’s precious!
 
Quote
Like the picture taken before, the photo itself was monogrammed ‘N.S.’ in the far lower right.
  N.S. will always mean Nova Scotia to me. Call it a personality flaw. On a more relevant note, I think you should get some sort of meaningless internet award for the camera of mystery. It’s such a unique, fascinating invention. Very, very creative.
 
Quote
Granted, she knew Fry wasn’t as bad as Zapp, who went as far as to retain half a dozen of most items so he could say “sex-tuple” more than any normal person should.
I was in a sextet last year and I had a lot of fun telling random people that, just so they could think I had a wild social life. It was good clean juvenile fun.
I loved Leela’s worries about what the camera might reveal, and it serves as a great set up for when Fry does take the picture. (You adorable, closet shipper you.) Leela’s fear of exposure… nice that.
 
Quote
Elsewhere, in a galaxy, far far away, life was proceeding as usual for the two earthbound members of Planet Express. The ceiling had been painted, the couch was deservedly sanitized, and the lab animals had been re-emboweled. The Professor was quietly asleep, and Hermes joyfully reveled in the lack of din. He quintuple-stamped a form entitled “Box Delivery to Disorgatron,” thereby vowing on his bureaucratic badge that the package had arrived. It was a typical delivery, so though he hadn’t heard anything from the crew yet, he remained either blithely confident in their success, or blithely apathetic to their fate. All was well.
“Hermes, bring me my formal bed-pan!”
That whole paragraph is just so wonderfully funny, and very very compact as well.

 
Quote
“Fry... it didn’t by chance say NOT IN SERVICE, did it?!
“Um... maybe? I don’t know, the bus was moving really fast.... Oh, also, I can’t read that well, and have bad gums.”
Aw, poor Fry. Also, hehehehehehe!
 
Quote
Part 10
Leela winked the spots from her eye and grabbed the contraption from Bender.
“No. More,” she seethed. This was her breaking point; any other surplus of emotion would set her over the edge, which is why it must have been the prominent self-destructive side of her psyche driving her pupil photo-ward as the blips faded from her oversized retina. The result was nearly enough to send her mental-ward.
Another really great paragraph here. Photo-ward, mental-ward… that’s great. And then you go and get all poignant, darnit, and I have absolutely no immunity to that. Yes, it’s my own version of small pox.
 
Quote
Fry lay an arm gently over her shoulder and sat down as close to her as he could without getting tingly. He looked at the photo as a rush of understanding found its way through his synapses.
Too sweet for words. It’s funny, it’s Fryish, and it’s still really sweet.
 
Quote
“Well, four is a baker’s three when you think about it...” Bender started to wheedle.
Great Bender line!
 
Quote
“It’s just a picture of me holding a black piece of paper,” Fry explained, “I mean... I’m not dissing black paper...” He clarified, “I can just think of a few things I want more... like a light-saber, or a Frisbee!”
Great Fry line! I have to admit I didn’t really get the picture, so I gave in a read your explanation, and then promptly had a retroactive shippy seizure. I enjoyed it immensely.
It’s just as well you go light on the ship, John, ‘cause you could easily incapacitate every shipper around. (And there’s more of us than I thought.) Myself and Venus and Shiny tend to have stories that revolved around the shippy, and, much as I love that kind of writing, I think it loses some of the fall-into-ice-water shock that can be so powerful. I like Fry’s subconscious, a lot.
The Lawbreaker is another really neat invention… and this one, I fear.
 
Quote
“Or we could break the physical law that keeps our teeth from chewing into our own brains!” Fry added.
For some reason I feel like this is a deep seated fear of Fry’s.
 
Quote
She had no words, and instead wrapped Fry up in an embrace that would have dented Bender’s back had he been the target. Fry accepted the lack of oxygen as a fair trade for this moment, and tried his best to console her despite being completely unaware of both what had transpired and the depths of his own affections. When Leela let go, she spoke only what her emotional semi-permeable membrane would let back out.

Ah… my day just got better. Thanks Bergey.
 
Quote
Welcome to Knotten’s Irviss
Whoo! Payoff!

 
Quote
Part 11
Chapter 6
The field of medicine in the 31st century can only be described as magic by most.
Certainly by us! Ah, magic, it has saved me through every medical scene I’ve ever tackled. I liked your list of common ailments and the preservation of incurable diseases.
 
Quote
Similarly, it makes sense that the common med-kit only has enough remedial value to keep one alive long enough for want of another med-kit. Indeed, a standard med-kit is about as remedial as it gets. The dermis-fusers work only for minor cuts, salves are painful and inefficient, and painkiller bottles actually contain SweetTarts and watch batteries.
Ah, that’s very funny. I’ll never go to a doctor again now that I’ve got this great medkit! (And while it’s a good try, I’m still not convinced the PE crew should be grateful for Zoidberg.)
 
Quote
“Holly, get down here! Something broke off and I can’t tell if it’s from me or the engine!”
I still like this robot.
 
Quote
Just when Amy had contorted herself in the most compromising position imaginable, Charlie sauntered back through the doorway.
“Oh I’m sorry, am I interrupting something private?”
Hah! I loved that. Too funny!
 
Quote
“Hey, where are you going with that thing I wear on my wrist?!”
Amy has one of those too? How did I miss that?
 
Quote
He lingered as the cloud of patronization settled like a fine powder over the room, then promptly left the woman to baste in it. Amy was beyond infuriated as the door slammed shut. Despite her casually ditsy ways, any misogynistic behavior immediately sent her spiraling into feminist student mode.
Yeah, that’s true, she does. It’s sort of a funny little quirk in her personality. I like that. The description is great too! The science and acid line was pretty scary coming out of Amy, moreso than if Leela had said it. Interesting.
 
Quote
“Exactly 12:00… now! ...wait… 12:03… 12:05! My God, we’re in a time warp!”
“Turn off the stop watch.”
Heh, that’s great! I like how you set that up… I half believed someone had used the Lawbreaker again.
 
Quote
“Awl routers bore?” Fry wasn’t keeping up.
Neither am I, but it’s still funny. Nice ref to Abbot and Costello there. Ah, they don’t do comedy they way they used too.
And finally they’re all coming together again! Yay! I’m looking very much forward to the inevitable mayhem. You haven’t lost your touch at all, John.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #695 on: 08-01-2006 12:18 »
« Last Edit on: 08-01-2006 12:18 »


soylentOrange:  It’s Cadoodle!  What kind of secret spy are you?

Nerdo:  I like the idea of you posting from a coma just to sarcastically yell at me.  Makes me feel special.

Xanfor:  The exact pun?  How odd…

Venus:  None probably went over your head, but it still feels good to send a barrage of bad jokes out in one update like I used to.  *Looks around* hmm… no one else was around then, where they… *feels old*

PCC Fred:  That line was a hold over from my second fic, and occurred during an exchange between Mom and the Professor.  In retrospect, it was funnier than the line I used at the time, but at least I got to bring it back, albeit in a slightly different form.

Shiny:  The ‘review of shippiness’ intrigues me, so I’ll just have to wait and see.  Your two quibbles are correct; I’ll have to work on them.  Might as well wait for the end of the story to do a ‘proper’ review.  There’s not a large amount left, and the updates should come faster from here on out.

Layla:  Holy crap; ask (or challenge) and ye shall receive. Thanks for taking the time to catch up! Too much to get back to you on here;  I’ll reply to this when I send your beta stuff back. (  wink at other readers)


So, I finally got through the writers block.  I have more than enough for an update right now, but want to get to a proper stopping point.  We’re looking at somewhere from 2 to 4 more updates depending on how long they are, and excusing for my vacation next week I should have it all finished by early September, which is quite the bittersweet fact.
Xanfor

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #696 on: 08-01-2006 12:43 »

Well, I hadn't written it down yet, so I suppose it is yours...

So now, see here, Punmaster, this time I've come up with a very funny one that I'm going to post here just so you can't use it! So there!  tongue


JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #697 on: 08-04-2006 06:53 »

This is the quickest time between updates for me since the ButterFry Effect, I think.  It’s also the first time since then that I’ve written an entire part without using an out of pocket joke; everything you may or may not be about to read was written on the fly.  Figures I’d finally hit some sort of stride with only 2 more updates to come after this.  That said; let’s hope I don’t waste any of the last pieces with crappy writing:

------------
Part 12

Anger at the unidentified hijacker mounting, Leela made her way through the light brush at the base of the slope. The ship looked pretty banged up, and this just added fuel to the fire.  Fortunately, no stray fuel had been added to the ship, which had until recently been on fire.  Narrowing her eye slightly, she spotted her quarry.  They were right there in the open, working diligently on the engines in the same way a 5-year old works diligently on a tax return.  Leela sized them up.  Fry and Bender could probably take the robot down, especially since they had the element of surprise, though she surmised that that could easily be countered by the element of uranium.   The woman, Leela noticed, was of a similar build to her, though a bit shorter in stature. Leela had no doubt she could handle her, unless she happened to be armed, which was a frightening likelihood.  She smiled wryly; the odds were better than usual.

Some blinking lights and a refreshingly cheerful spy ditty signaled that it was time to move in.  Taking a breath, she silently crept closer to the back of her crumpled vessel.  With any luck, she would arrive at the same time as her cohorts, and-

"Freeze!"

Leela slumped; Fry and Bender had beaten her there, and were now staring down the anode end of an ion pistol.  On the much-less-dangerous idiomatic plus-side, Leela was thereby in the perfect position to strike. Taking a few stealthy strides, she launched into a flying kick, only with great difficulty quelling the standard Kung-fu scream until after she had made contact; it didn't feel as satisfying.  Leela made perfect contact with Holly's dominant wrist, sending a shot wide and the gun itself tumbling to the ground.  She had been aiming for the back of the woman's head, but this, she deemed, was close enough.

Bender and Kui both lunged at the gun for different reasons, while Holly spun around in nearly a complete circle, grasping her struck wrist.

"Owwww!  Hey, what’s the big idea here?"

"We're taking our ship back, you no good evil pirates!" shouted Fry, completely ignoring the epic struggle for survival/a free gun being waged behind him.

Your ship?! We already have this ship's owner sedated!"

"He's not the ship's owner!" Leela shouted, enraged by the thought. "I'm in command, and-"

"Our intel says this ship has one occupant," Holly tensely explained. "And he fits the comprehensive description of a 'big creepy alien' in my book.”

Leela took a threatening step in.  “What did you want from us?”

“Nothing from you, you nutcases.” Holly also took a step forward.  Fry took a step back.  “If you must know, we were sent to steal something called the ‘Lawbreaker’ from this ship, but really I don’t care anymore and I’m quitting and I give up… so it’s all moot now, so get out of here unless you want to help us fix an engine.”  Exasperation had flooded all of the ire from her voice.

Bender froze upon hearing the name of the device he pilfered, and was promptly shot with a quick ion blast.

“Ow!  Quit it!”  He went to snatch the deadly weapon from Kui, only to realize that his own finger was already on the trigger.  Repressing an embarrassed laugh, and noting that shooting a robot with an ion pack was obviously pointless, he nonchalantly stuffed the pistol in his cabinet, and then turned to the puzzled women.  Leela was the only one with both the proper information and the wherewithal to piece it together, and as if they were aware of this, all uneasily waited for her to speak.  Instead, she chuckled knowingly.

“I think you hijacked the wrong ship, uh…”

“Holly.”

“Holly.  The Lawbreaker was in the ship next to ours, being piloted by none other than a big creepy looking alien, who by now is after us anyway since we already stole it!”

“You were hired to steal it too?”

“Nope, just a hobby, baby,” Bender bantered casually.

“Anyway, we’re going to have to give it back to him, because a friend of ours is in trouble if we don’t.  After that you’re free to try to steal it again, I guess.  Though I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“Can’t we just have it now?” Holly moaned.  “I need this paycheck.”

“Sorry, no can do.  But you can help us fix our ship, unless you want us to kick your asses then charge you for the repairs.”

Holly sighed deeply, in a way which made the empathy flicker in Leela like a broken neon sign. Holly turned to her fallen friend, still rubbing her lower arm.

“You didn’t happen to get that gun back did you?”

“Nope.”

“Alright then, we’re in.  We’ve been trying anyway…”

She pointed to the engines.  It was pretty questionable whether the ship could fly even if the engines and stabilizers were fixed at this point, but it was worth a try.

“Wait, no it’s not!” said Leela, mulling similar thoughts through her head. “We can’t do this without a quantum mechanic!”

Fry joined in, remembering the problems from before. “Yeah, no one here is smart enough to know the science-thing stuffs inside the engine-mabobbit.  I mean, it’s not like someone has some sort of magical tool that makes enginescience not matter-“

“He’s right!” Leela interrupted.

“He said something?” Kui chided.

“The Lawbreaker!”

“What about it?” Holly asked, apprehensively.

“We learned what it does… sort of; it breaks physical laws at the touch of a button.  We just need to pick the right button…”

“So… maybe if we pick the right one, the engine will fix itself?”

“There’s a chance, but there’s also a chance that it’ll backfire and kill us all.”

“What, the engine, or the plan?”

“…Both.”

“Great…”

Holly and Kui exchanged prolonged glances.  Fry and Leela felt left out, and therefore had an exchange of their own.  Bender wasn’t one to share.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,”  Holly sighed, “By the sound of it this isn’t even what the boss was looking for.”

“Who’s ‘The Boss?’” asked Leela.

“Ooh!  I know this one! Tony Danza!”  Fry confidently answered.

“Actually, we don’t know,” said Holly, ignoring the redhead.  “Kui and I worked freelance in anything from petty to grand theft, and anyone who gets in contact with us stays anonymous.  It pays enough to get by, but seriously, I’m done after this.  After what that lobster put us through…”

“Zoidberg?”

“Yeah…” she seethed, “Zoidberg.”  The name rolled off her tongue like a bookcase down a ravine.  Kui trembled at its utterance.

“You didn’t… kill him, did you?” asked Bender.

“No, like I said, he’s tranquilized in the med-bay.”

“Oh…” and he sounded quite dejected.  “Well, the slightly more reason to hope the ship explodes!”  He shouted, brandishing the Lawbreaker and taking aim.

“Hold it!”  Leela shouted.

“I am!” Bender retorted, waving the controller playfully in her face.  Leela took the opportunity to grab it from the robot’s lax fingers.  “Aw… I gotta stop doing that.” 

“Everyone get back; we’ll stay in a group, and I’ll try one button.”

The group did as instructed; it was a bit unnerving for them all, huddling near people they didn’t exactly know and could barely even trust, but when faced with the unknown many are apt to act in unusual ways.  Leela held the remote out, and paused for a moment.  Was this the right thing to do?  Something was nagging at her in an unmotherly way… 

As if on cue (in Leela’s mind at least), the side door of the ship snapped open and Nibbler bounded out.  He had been watching the situation unfold from the cockpit, and upon realization of the actions to be taken, decided it was best to join his owners, even if it meant giving away his expert door-using prowess.

“Nibbler!”  Leela shouted, as her pet scampered to her leg and clung on lovingly. “How could I forget my snuzzie-ooki-wunkins?!  Aw… you’re OK!”  She picked him up and hugged him tightly.  This display of simple affection upping the spirits a bit, Leela turned to her ship yet again.

“Ready?” she asked, nearly rhetorically, “Now!” 

Aiming the controller over Kui’s shoulder, she held her breath and pressed a button.

The proceeding seconds were about as anticlimactic as her night with Zapp. Nothing happened.  Nothing at all.  Without rethinking the situation, she hastily jabbed at a second button, by now with the sentiment that any reaction was better than the discomfiture of no reaction.  This time, the unthinkable happened.  With a flash of life the ship’s engines flared into sudden action. Fry jumped at the sound and bumped Holly, who toppled into Kui, knocking him down. 

“It worked!”  She yelled, “what did you do?!”

“I have no idea,” admitted Leela. “These buttons aren’t labeled.  I guess… I guess it knows what you want to happen.  It’s really helped us out twice now.”  She paused, looking hesitantly at the prodigious device she had wielded.  “Now I’m never touching this damn thing again.”  She opened Bender’s chest and put the device next to the gun and the camera.

Fry and Holly pulled Kui up.  “You alright?”  They asked, nearly in unison. 

“Yeah… yeah…” he muttered.  “You didn’t bump me that hard.  It’s just my head…”  He clutched at his metallic skull.  “Doesn’t feel too right.”

“Might be left-over from the crash,” said Holly, “Or maybe when you- uh… Kui?”

Holly stared intently at the automaton’s face.

“What, what?! Is there something on my nose?!” he squirmed, and went to wipe at his face, but instead his hand unhinged from the wrist and folded back into itself.  “What the…”

“Your eyes are red… blood red.  Maybe you should lie-”

“ARMING!” Kui shouted, taking a jolted step back, surprised at his own tone.  Where his hand once was, a large machete popped into place from within his armor.  “What’s happening?!”

Nibbler leapt from Leela’s arm and ran for the hills; literally.  In a Lassie-like way he beckoned for the others to follow, but no one was paying attention to him.  Three more knives, a menacing looking laser turret, a medieval mace, a can of mace, and a purple light saber had sprouted from compartments scattered about the robot’s body. 

“LOADING KILLBOT BATTLE TACTICS… oh God, help me!”

“Yeah, that’s who needs the help,” said Bender to Leela, both stepping towards the direction Nibbler had bolted.
 
“I can’t… I c-c-c-AQUIRING TARGETS!” Kui tried to move in two directions at once, fighting his programmed instincts with whatever he could, but he was clearly losing the battle.  Holly took one courageous step forward, a step closer to losing a battle of her own.

“Kui!  Ku-i!  It’s me, Holly!”  She seemed more desperate than the crew would have liked.  It didn’t appear like she was used to this.  In fact, Holly had never encountered anything like this before, ever. The turret locked on her.

“Uh… yeah, it’s me, Fry!” Fry echoed.

“Yeah, that’ll sway him.” Bender remarked.

“Hmph.  I don’t even think we even introduced ourselves earlier…” added Leela, backing slowly up the hillside.

“Don’t worry; you’ll have plenty of time to while we’re bleeding.” Holly assured, now abandoning her brief flirt with bravery.

“He’s a killbot… a real live killbot,” Leela rambled on, “I’ve never met one before.”

“Neither have I…” Holly replied, almost in a trance.

“EXTERMINATING.”

The three crew members hit the ground with instincts born from years of tight scrapes; Holly closed her eyes with a whimper that implied that she knew much more than scrapes were coming.

From inside Kui, something resembling the sound of a large man blowing an empty dart gun resounded across the otherwise deserted glen.  Then, the briefest of eerie silences resounded even louder.  Leela sprang to her feet.

“The gun’s not charged!  Move it!”

Holly wheeled about, snapping back to the reality of the situation.  Hitting stride just as Fry and Bender regained their footing on the slope, the group headed uphill.

“Fry, quick!  Sacrifice yourself! …thousands of times,” Bender pleaded, remembering their foe’s weakness.  Fry didn’t listen, and as their run slowly morphed into a climb, the sounds of wild slashing and swinging grew ever closer.

------------

Glad I was able to post a part before I left for vacation.  Vegas for my 21st birthday, is there anything better? (‘Actually retaining the money I just worked all summer for,” you say?  I’ve had enough of your sass.)  I’ll reply to responses when I get back assuming they occur.  Even at this late stage, feedback is appreciated, even if it’s of the negative variety.  Thanks.

Brevity is the soul of
PCC Fred

Space Pope
****
« Reply #698 on: 08-04-2006 11:42 »

I remember quick updates.  I once completed two installments within the same quarter...  cry

 
Quote
“Yeah…” she seethed, “Zoidberg.” The name rolled off her tongue like a bookcase down a ravine.

That analogy's awfully brilliant.  Or brilliantly awful, I haven't quite decided.  Either way it's damned funny.

 
Quote
They were right there in the open, working diligently on the engines in the same way a 5-year old works diligently on a tax return.

Ditto.

 
Quote
“Fry, quick! Sacrifice yourself! …thousands of times,”

Yep, that's the kind of line you can only get from Bender.

I could pretty much quote the entire thing, so I'll cut to the chase and say bravo!  Happy Birthday and enjoy your holiday.  Try to save some money for the second night, don't convince yourself the guy operating the blackjack table is your identical hand twin, and if you wake up in the morning to find you've drunkenly married some trashy bleach-blonde chick you never met before, divorce her quickly and give her my home address.  big grin
ClonedWizard

Crustacean
*
« Reply #699 on: 08-04-2006 13:22 »

Well, PCC Fred covered some of what I was going to say, so I'll just add to it.

 
Quote
"We're taking our ship back, you no good evil pirates!" shouted Fry, completely ignoring the epic struggle for survival/a free gun being waged behind him.
...
Holly also took a step forward. Fry took a step back.
...
"Ooh! I know this one! Tony Danza!” Fry confidently answered.

Fry was spot-on in this update.  That was quintessential Fry.  I liked the visual humour of the first two quotes.  I could see it happening in the show.  It's like in "Hell is Other Robots" when the Robot Devil holds out the Fiddle Contest Waiver.  Fry reaches out to sign it, Leela slaps his hand, Fry grabs his hand in pain.

 
Quote
epic struggle for survival/a free gun
...
“Nope, just a hobby, baby,” Bender bantered casually.
...
Bender wasn’t one to share.

Perfect Bender, too.

 
Quote
Fortunately, no stray fuel had been added to the ship, which had until recently been on fire.
...
Leela sized them up. Fry and Bender could probably take the robot down, especially since they had the element of surprise, though she surmised that that could easily be countered by the element of uranium.
...
Nibbler leapt from Leela’s arm and ran for the hills; literally.
...
a medieval mace, a can of mace, and a purple light saber

Furthermore, puns!  I laughed out loud at the element of uranium one.  I also enjoyed the hidden pun (lightsaber of Mace).

 
Quote
The proceeding seconds were about as anticlimactic as her night with Zapp.
...
"Fry, quick! Sacrifice yourself! …thousands of times," Bender pleaded, remembering their foe’s weakness.

Callbacks to previous episodes!  I don't think I've ever seen the use of proceeding in a story before, but it was the perfect word to use.

Great update!  No negative feedback from me.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #700 on: 08-05-2006 21:17 »

 
Quote
and if you wake up in the morning to find you've drunkenly married some trashy bleach-blonde chick you never met before
Fred, please; I'll be going there with Kloudes...

If anything I'll have to make sure she doesn't do that.  big grin

Well, off I go, here's hoping the plane is functional! Wish me luck, comment/pictures when I get back.
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #701 on: 08-05-2006 21:30 »
« Last Edit on: 08-05-2006 21:30 »

I'll never understand how you come up with that many puns on the fly.  I'm lucky to get two or three in an update after I've planned everything out and then rewritten pieces of it two or three times...

Everyone already picked out the best lines.  That one by Bender where he tells Fry to sacrifice  himself a few thousand times is just classic. 

 
Quote
only 2 more updates to come after this.
awww...

Arkan

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #702 on: 08-06-2006 10:18 »

Wow, you came up with all those jokes as you went? Wow. It made me laugh out loud a good few times... I won't bother quoting, though, since I've been beaten to it.

And, also:

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentOrange:
awww...

Ditto!  cry
Shiny

Professor
*
« Reply #703 on: 08-07-2006 22:26 »

 
Quote
The proceeding seconds were about as anticlimactic as her night with Zapp.

That is surely the single most hilarious and brilliant metaphor invented on-the-fly EVER.

(Shiny prostrates herself)  WE'RE NOT WORTHY!  WE'RE NOT WORTHY!
NIC2001

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #704 on: 08-08-2006 16:45 »

Great update Jberges.

Have a great time in Vegas! (Don't bet all your $$$)

Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #705 on: 08-12-2006 01:32 »

Wait, Berges is going to Vegas with Kloudes???

Yay! Peel's first quickie wedding! I hope they do the one with Elvis!
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #706 on: 09-01-2006 23:30 »

They're PEELoping?

Sorry, I've been away for a while.

More of the same great stuff, J.  I tell you, there's something I like about your stories.  There's a synergy created by the jokes and the characters and plot and the overall nerdy coolness that overwhelms me.

Once again, everything I've posted before applies again.  I get the sense now that the divergent storylines are about to be respliced.  It's almost a shame since you manage to keep all three alive and kicking quite effectively.

Here's hoping you broke even or better in the desert.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #707 on: 10-30-2006 11:14 »

*bump*

Being a senior in college is... um... busier than expected.  What with evil computer science classes and job interviews and final projects and... being of legal drinking age... well, there hasn’t been much time for writing.  Upon a quick scan of the board after being gone for a while, seems there’s been quite a member shift around here, but regardless of who’s left to read this, I made a promise to finish this story soon.  Here’s a little part to wrap up the cliffhanger I had going ages back, and there’ll be one more large update in a week or two to tie up all the loose ends. 

This part assumes you’ve read the  Beginning of Chapter 3 sometime recently, so since I assume no one has, if you’re confused that’s where to head.
_____________________________ ____

Part 13

Grasping for a handhold, Leela half climbed and half dragged herself up the precipitous terrain.  She had a slight lead on her counterparts, which at this point granted her the dubious honor of hearing the most deaths before her own.  A knife struck the rock above her, and she had to sway abruptly, letting it fall past her.  Holly approached on her other side.

“Uh, can you can climb a hill to escape a Killbot?”

“No, only bears and Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

“Right.”

Noting the implied futility, the two women stopped, then rolled, pinning their backs to the wall to survey their fate.  Fry and Bender had done the same a yard or two below, the latter now sporting the handle of a machete for a hat. 

Kui stood mere feet away from the men, all remaining weapons poised.  He shuddered lightly.

“I...I-I-I- I’m... sorry” he stammered, raising an arm to strike.

*SPLAT*

Holly and Leela were unceremoniously doused in a disgusting goo which, for one truly horrifying second, Leela’s mind reckoned to be Fry’s various organs and fluids.  A searing, tingling pain flooded the woman’s wrist the next second, and she instinctively grasped at it, only to cause the pain spread to her other hand.  Meanwhile, the goop was moving, purposefully leaving her person, headed back towards the...

“What... the... hell?!” Holly slowly shouted as Leela’s wrist device jettisoned to the ground in a shower of sparks. 

Just below them, Charlie Foster’s ship clung to the cliff face like the residue from Fry’s nasal septum, the ferromagnetic landing aperture resolidifying after the initial impact splash. Fry was climbing steadily towards the women through the impeding ebb of magnetic material, whilst Bender, meanwhile, was in a giddy heap, already nearing the second verse of ‘Oh, Susanna.’

Holly edged towards the ship.

“.... ... Kui?” she asked, unsure of whether or not she wanted a response.  Her beckoning was greeted only by the sound of the side door flinging open, and a distorted flight of stairs deploying.  Charlie stormed out as soon as the staircase allowed it, and irately surveyed the aftermath. 

“Damnit!  Got the wrong freaking robot...” he yelled, briskly shimmying towards his true target, who currently was in no position to defend himself.  The reptile reached down, and with one frighteningly brawny and precise twist of the machete decapitated Bender, proceeding then to discard the blade and beat this new acquisition against the cliff face.

I thought I saw Susanna-
Twack!
-saw Susanna!
Twack!
“OW!  Hey, thanks!  I was-
Twack!
“going crazy there for a-“
Twack!
“Oof! So you can stop-“
Twack!

This continued for longer than was probably necessary.

Holly had by now spotted Kui, pinned harmlessly between the ground and the landing pegs, a metallic fruit in the worst gelatin dessert ever imagined.  The large flux had obviously caused a system crash, and he was frozen perfectly still like a mosquito in amber.  Holly felt almost as if she was viewing him in a museum, and couldn’t help forgetting the recent events in favor of their years working together.

“We have to get him out of there!” She begged, almost losing her precarious footing.

“No, leave him for now; he’ll be fine after a reboot,” said Leela, picking up a much calmer Nibbler.  “Happens to Bender all the time.”  She added, motioning to the carnage beside her.  “See?”

Charlie slammed Benders head back onto his body, ripped open his torso, and grabbed both the Lawbreaker and the Desiderater.

“Now apologize.”  He commanded, looming over him like an eclipse that stared portentously back.

Bender briefly thought about trying to surprise Charlie with the gun that he had yet to grab, but through dulled artificial senses decided that for once the olive branch could be used for something other than martini night.  Everyone was looking now, making it even more embarrassing.  Bender sighed.

“Alright, I know when I’ve been beaten... and just now you really kicked my ass... so... I’m sorry.”

“Good then.”  Charlie’s demeanor warped unsettlingly yet again as he smiled.  “We’re all square then.  I’ll even let your favorite Martian go.”

“All... square?”  Leela repeated, tentatively.

“I just want this all behind me now... let me get on with my delivery, and you can get on with yours.”

“Heh, fat chance... we’re going home.” Leela scoffed, apathy taking hold of her tired bones. “But thank you.”

“Hey... uh... we don’t have a ship...” Holly spoke timidly, and then lowered her voice further, “and I don’t have a ‘we.’ Could the fritzo and I maybe get a ride with someone?” 

“Sure!” Fry responded. “Let’s just untrap the menacing beast of doom that tried to kill us and carry him down this perilously steep incline to-” 

Actually... it’d be best if we left your friend there tangled in the landing gear” Charlie interrupted.  “He’ll be fine til I get him wherever you’re going.”

“Nowhere to go now anyway...” Holly mused, “Out of a job.”

“Well, I’ll get you to a repair shop at least, doll.”

Some mindless expository bantering later, everything and everyone was safely put in its proper place.  The PE crew boarded their disfigured ship, engines still running, and set a course for Earth. 

Charlie watched their sputtering take off, a mix of unaccountable feelings stirring gratingly.  He felt like he had gone too soft by letting them off, but, unfortunately, after making the decision to save them from the killbot, he had realized, there was no sensible reason to kill them himself.  If anything, he thought, it had lead to another interesting alien woman being aboard his craft; something he has almost getting used to... something he was perhaps even starting to... like...   
_____________________________ ____

Wooh.  Comments appreciated, whoever you are out there.

Brevity is the soul of
Tastes Like Fry

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #708 on: 10-30-2006 17:39 »

Ah, I wondered if this story was going to get any further, and yes, being a senior is very difficult, I wish you luck, and I wish you speed in finishing this story.
PCC Fred

Space Pope
****
« Reply #709 on: 10-30-2006 18:09 »

 
Quote
Here’s a little part to wrap up the cliffhanger I had going ages back

You know that was really mean of you.  What kind of sadistic bastard leaves their fic on a dramatic cliffhanger then leaves it hanging for weeks and weeks?

*gets beaten to death by an assortment of PEELers*

 
Quote
“Alright, I know when I’ve been beaten... and just now you really kicked my ass... so... I’m sorry.”

ClonedWizard said it, I'll reiterate it - you've done a brilliant job with Bender in this fic.  Actually you've probably done a brilliant job with Bender in all your fics to date, it's just that I watched Mr & Mrs Smith a few hours ago and my brain's gone into meltdown.

 
Quote
Some mindless expository bantering later...

You make that sound like it's a bad thing...

Anyways, good luck with college, and here's to the remainder of this story.  smile

I just realised it's six years since my final year at college.  I'm sad now.  cry
Shiny

Professor
*
« Reply #710 on: 10-31-2006 01:49 »
« Last Edit on: 10-31-2006 01:49 »

Hooray!  The Great Bergini appeareth again!

(But, is EVERYBODY going to post updates and make me look like scum?  Ah, well, I had it coming.   wink )

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:

Leela...had a slight lead on her counterparts, which at this point granted her the dubious honor of hearing the most deaths before her own....

Holly and Leela were unceremoniously doused in a disgusting goo which, for one truly horrifying second, Leela’s mind reckoned to be Fry’s various organs and fluids.

I really liked those, they give a great sense of danger and fear while still being offbeat enough to be very Futurama.

Charlie was great throughout, and I love how he treated Bender, and claiming to have gotten the wrong robot & everything.  Thumbs up for “your favorite Martian.”   big grin

If I have any complaint, it’s that the parting of ways was sadly abrupt...I would have liked a little more of the mindless expository banter and stuff; but I totally understand what over-commitment is, and am grateful for whatever time you can spare to generate more of your brisk, clean, quirky, humorous-yet-insightful, and utterly enjoyable prose.

Overall reaction: Intense joy at seeing new words from you is mitigated by dismay at the knowledge that the story is wrapping up...distress at knowing you're going to be too busy to write for a while is mitigated by the knowledge that you WILL write again, oh my yes (the new episodes will inspire you, if nothing has before - I believe that in my heart, and that belief gives me comfort).

Good work!

JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #711 on: 11-02-2006 00:46 »
« Last Edit on: 11-02-2006 00:46 »

Tastes Like Fry:  And speed was found, just finished it today when I should have been working on a presentation. Wooh.

PCC Fred:  I was at months, not weeks... thanks for reading and best of luck with your efforts as well

Shiny:  as for your complaint...

I may write again, but at the moment I don't plan on it.  These 60 pages in 19 months (check out that rate of production!!!1) are enough, and I'm very happy with how it all turned out.

That said, I noticed that it is damn near impossible to read this story from the beginning now.  Firstly, it ‘starts’ two different times in this thread, and there are numerous other things in the way of a smooth reading experience. Seeing as there are a lot of new members running around, a question:

Should I:

A) just post the last piece and move on.
B) post the whole story again here on page 18/19.
C) open a new thread for it and post the whole thing there
D) noodles

Anybody?

PS:  The story's title is hereby “Atypical Delivery” if I didn’t mention that yet.
Xanfor

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #712 on: 11-02-2006 07:04 »
« Last Edit on: 11-02-2006 07:04 »

Hmm... What choice shall we pick, SEL?

<SEL1000Beta>: I'm sorry, Xanfor. I'm afraid I can't help you.

Don't worry. Your next upgrade is very soon. Work, programmers!

*Whip!*

Now, JBERGES, this is for you...  wink


Atypical Delivery

Parts I-VI
Part VII
Part VIII
Part IX
Part X
Part XI
Part XII
Part XIII

Tremble and such beneath the humourevil laugh   evil laugh   evil laugh

NIC2001

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #713 on: 11-02-2006 15:38 »

Nice work Jberges!  smile

It’s nice to see that some writers do finish their Fanfic... («_« evil eyes looking in Layla's direction, she's been MIA for too long now...  no no ) I really like how you ended the whole thing but there is only one thing that doesn’t work: (could be wrong on this) at the end, Leela say that they will go back in the PE ship but, the thing will still shake and be uncontrollable right… or did they fix that in another part of your fic?  confused 

Anyway, thanks for the fic, it was great.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #714 on: 11-02-2006 16:29 »
« Last Edit on: 11-02-2006 16:29 »

Hey, thanks Xanfor.  Everyone, read that!  You know, I think I'll just post this here.  I might not have many readers anymore, but I've always been a proponent of 'one author one thread,' so I might as well keep it that way til the bitter end.

Nic:  The Lawbreaker made the engines stable enough to get the crew home, they do not know how or why yet.  That said, that wasn't the end, this is:
---------------------
Part 14

Chapter 7:

The theory of quantum entanglement states that two particles, once they interact, are forever bound to one another, affecting each other across limitless space at seemingly instantaneous speeds, forever.  The implications of this are nothing short of massive, sprawling networks of matter, delicately connected to each other via enigmatic forces across the cosmos.  If the equations are to be believed, perhaps everything is connected to everything else in some way; actions never truly isolated, coincidences never truly coincidences.  Layers beyond what anyone can perceive are buried beneath reality, and science is simply unable to take advantage of them.  It is impossible, and scientists can only watch and wonder why.

After touchdown, Fry emerged from the PE ship dragging a still anesthetized Zoidberg.  To the best of the crew’s knowledge, he was still alive, but vitals are hard to check if your subject is cold blooded, has an exoskeleton, and you don’t really care.

Bender followed, dragging Amy, still bound to her chair.  Charlie saw it best to leave her that way after she didn’t appear to show the same forgiveness as the others.  She had stayed in that position after she failed to show to crew the same forgiveness the crew had shown Charlie.

Leela exited last, dragging only herself, yet looking the worst for wear from it.  It could never have felt better to arrive back at her place of work; this misadventure had been particularly draining, and the flight home had taken twice as long as it should have because she had not wanted to push the engines. 

Entering the conference room after ditching their incapacitated and metallic friends, Fry and Leela came across Professor Farnsworth, looking as calm as ever, neither curious of their delay nor thankful for their survival.  Seated across from him was a younger old man, sipping some coffee, a notepad in front of him.

The silence unbroken, Leela coughed abruptly and aggressively.

“Oh, uh, wha?  Oh yes!  Welcome back!  I trust everything went well?”

“Yes, sir.” Leela replied.

“You have the invoice?”

“Yup!”  Fry chirped, handing a crumpled sheet of paper to Hubert, which he unraveled and read to the best of his ability.

We got whatever we were delivering  -Love, Not Fry.  Very good! That sounds like a suitable reply for a task I can’t specifically remember!”

Leela couldn’t decide whether she was more exasperated by Fry’s half-assed attempt at trickery or at the ease with which it succeeded.  Why did she even bother?  ...Oh right, she didn’t... 

Farnsworth motioned to his companion just as the doorbell rang.  Leela went to answer the door as the Professor continued undaunted.

“This is my long time friend and colleague, Nuzi Spoziano.”

“Nuzi?”  Fry repeated, “That sounds familiar...”

“Delivery for a Hubert James Farnsworth!” came a low voice from behind the door which Leela was about to open.

Nuzi snorted.  “Hubert?!  I can’t believe you go by that now.  Back when we met, you said-”

The door opened.

“Leela?!”

“Charlie?!”

“Nuzi?!”

“Charlie?!”

“Meredith?!”

“Fry, we are NOT saying random names, we are all legitimately surprised!”

“Sorry.”

Charlie Foster burst into the room, confused and mildly entertained.

“Nuzi, what the hell are you doing here?!”

“Well, I got nervous when my inventions didn’t arrive and I couldn’t reach you, so I took a space-cab to James’s to discuss what to do.  You do have them, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I still got ‘em.   ...and Leela,” Charlie turned, “You work for James, the guy I’ve been delivering these devices to the whole time?”

“I... I guess so,” Leela stammered, “But we’ve never called him James, so we couldn’t have pieced it together anyway.”

“He went by his middle name when he was younger,” Nuzi added, “Now... how do you know my Charlie?”

“We’re... kind of the reason the package got delayed,” She admitted, “It’s a long story with crashes and deceit and misunderstandings and-”

“Us!”  Two more figures appeared from outside, having heard the commotion.

“Holly, Kui?!” Leela took a shocked step back, then gathered herself in time to stare Fry down before he could say ‘Gordon?!’  “Now what are you doing here?!”

“While I was delayed these two helped me out Nuzi,” Charlie started, “Anyway, I was thinking it was about time you let me have a crew to assist with deliveries.”

“Well, Lord knows you could use the social skills,” Nuzi replied, “I’m sure we can work something out.”

“Great!”  Holly shouted, high-fiving her robotic partner.

“Hey, first of all, I want to apologize for what happened out there,” said Kui, “I still don’t know what happened, but now that everything’s sorted out I would have felt really bad if I managed to kill you guys.”

“We’re used to friends randomly going on homicidal rampages, don’t worry about it,”  Leela assured, then turned to Holly, “How are you going to hold up working with these two?”

“It’s funny,” said Holly, “It all kind of balances out.  Kui defends me when Charlie insults my aptitude, and Charlie defends me when Kui insults my appearance.”

“Sounds... wonderful,” Leela dryly responded.

“We get our share from her too, so don’t buy any of that damsel bit she’s giving,” added Kui.

Even more than before, Leela saw a bit of herself in the look Holly shot back.  She assumed, perhaps a bit arrogantly, that Charlie saw the same thing.

“Now then,” Nuzi took a big breath, “what the bloody hell is going on here?  Could you fill an old man in?”  The man he was referring to must have been himself, since Farnsworth was by now fast asleep.

“There’ll be plenty of time to explain while we fly you home Newz,” Charlie ensured, “As much as I love the oddness of this situation I need to get going. ‘Nother business proposition waiting if you know what I mean.”

“Fine,” Nuzi agreed, having looked over his quiescent associate. “I may have outstayed my welcome. Well, it was nice meeting you two-”

“Wait!”  Leela couldn’t let this chance get away. “You have to explain these devices to me.  We saw what the Lawbreaker does, but how... and why?”

“You used it?!”

“Well, yeah...” Leela was looking at her boots, and hated it.  “Twice, and each time it got us out of a jam, but we never really figured out how it worked.”

“Ah, curiosity gets the best of us all sometimes, eh?”  Spoziano remarked, the initial vagueness of mood emerging as a definite curiosity over irritation.  “Random field-testing isn’t the worst thing in the universe I suppose; let’s have a look at what happened.  Charlie?”

Charlie handed him the Lawbreaker, and Nuzi promptly attached a device of his own to it.

“This thing runs diagnostics on all my inventions, just makes things easier...”  Some lights blinked and he read over a fine printed display, “The Lawbreaker was designed to break laws, scientific and otherwise, on the user’s whim, but at the moment it always picks something random.  I can’t make heads or arses of it, honestly, but that’s why the buttons aren’t labeled... they were supposed to do different things, but don’t yet,” He paused to read more thoroughly, “Seems to me that this was used three times, not two.”

“Really?”  Leela reacted in the way she one day hoped to be able to lie.

“Yes... now let’s see.” Nuzi hit some buttons and checked the readout again. “The last time this device was used the 2nd law of thermodynamics was broken.”

“Makes sense,” said Leela.  “Our engines were ruined and they reassembled to the way they were before they broke down.  It got us home.”

“Good, that’s a success,” Nuzi replied approvingly, then went back to reading. “The time before that... hmm... that’s a new one.”

“What did we break?”

“Asimov’s First.”

“Kui... that’s it!”  Leela shouted. “Remember, I hit that button an extra time before the engines were fixed and we all thought nothing happened...”

“But it was making your programming homicidal the whole time!”  Holly completed the sentence.  “This makes everything OK!  It’s not going to happen again!”  She hugged him for the first time in a while, causing him obvious embarrassment.

While they joked, comforted, a bit more, Leela and Fry turned back to Nuzi.

“The time before that, we traveled through space faster than light to get back to our ship,” Leela recounted as Nuzi read, “What law was that?  Einstein’s?  Newton’s?”

“Hardly,” chuckled Nuzi.  “The only reason you ended up by your ship was because you would have been there had things not gone horribly wrong, am I correct?”

“Yeah,” said Fry, “How did you know?”

“Murphy’s.” said Nuzi, plainly. “You got back to where you should have been by effectively breaking Murphy’s Law!  Oh... how I wish this device worked predictably!  I’d make millions.”

“Yeah...” said Leela, trancelike due to the ludicrousness of recent revelations.  “Well... thanks for your help.”

“We’ll see each other again sometime soon, I’m sure,” promised Charlie, “Maybe we’ll meet for sandwiches again or something.”

“Definitely,” said Fry, shaking the reptilian’s hand.

“And tell your friend Amy I said hi, OK?”

“I think I’ll pass,” said Leela. “Bye, you three, don’t get into too much legal trouble, alright?”

“Same for you and that Bender guy,” said Kui.  “See ya.”

“Bye!” said Holly, grabbing Fry and Leela into a quick, clumsy, group hug which said ‘I still barely know you but we almost died next to each other so that’s gotta mean something.’  The three turned, and exited, Nuzi close behind.  Fry waved, but Leela jumped outside before the door shut and chased Nuzi down, spinning him around.

“One more question, if you don’t mind.”

“No problem, dear.  What is it?”

“The camera... the camera you made can spark some powerful emotions.  Be careful with it, OK?”

“I don’t plan on selling it if that’s what you mean, it can tempt and twist the heart in any which way it pleases, and you are powerless against your own consciousness.  I know that far too well now...  and I’m sorry if you had to experience anything like I did too."  He looked up at her plaintively.  "It is... the price we pay for curiosity.”

“I think I’m better for it,” Leela averred, “But... is there any reason the camera would give a cryptic message?  One that wasn’t straight forward like the rest?”

“Well, I’ve never seen it do that before... it’s been flawless as of late.”  He thought for a moment. “Maybe... well, maybe, a subconscious is sometimes smart enough to keep things it knows you’re not ready for obscured, like a message in a prophetic dream.  That’s the best I’ve got, dear, and I’m a bloody scientist!  Sorry if it’s not what you needed to hear.”

“No, no, that will do.”  Leela said, holding back a tear whose cause she couldn’t trace to a reason.  “Thanks for everything, Nuzi.”

“No trouble at all.  But it’s about time I left you to your own devices... heh. Keep safe now!”  He turned and left, hustling slightly as to not keep Charlie and the others waiting for long.  Leela slowly wandered back inside.

“What was that about?” Fry asked, waiting for her at the entrance.

“Nothing... nothing...”  Leela mumbled, and let a meek smile evolve on her face.  “TV?”

“Thought you’d never ask.”

And, life returned to normal, which, thankfully or unthankfully, was about as abnormal as it could be.  The future, as a society and as a personal outlook, may not have looked the brightest for everyone, but it was far from dark; and as long as you’re trying to save yourself when faced with death from space crashes and homicidal robots, you know you have enough to live for.  Inside the PE building, Zoidberg and the Professor slumbered further, Hermes obliviously filed forms, and Nibbler secretly untied Amy as she too napped as best she could.  Bender filched the contents of the Martian's locker while he had the chance, and the two remaining unaccounted passed out next to each other to the buzzing drone of a hypnotizing toad.

Aboard Charlie’s ship, three new friends bickered noisily about the proper way to cook a buggalo steak, and, resting in a bunk, a thought struck Nuzi Spuziano.  “Well, the subject could have been missing a brainwave or two... but... nah... that’s impossible.”


THE END

_________________________

Well, there you go, Hope you've enjoyed it.  I can't explain the mix of feelings after working on this thing for so long.  And if you take all Futurama fics into acout, this is my sixth complete, with about 210 pages written in total.  Scary.  Eternal gratitude to Kloudes for betaing me all the way through.  You're the dorkiest girl a guy could ask for.

That's it for now, and possibly forever, so here's hoping some people I miss come by to say goodbye.  Maybe if enough do I'll give a speech or something...  Comments appreciated more than ever.

-JBERGES 
PCC Fred

Space Pope
****
« Reply #715 on: 11-02-2006 19:27 »

 
Quote
PCC Fred: I was at months, not weeks... thanks for reading and best of luck with your efforts as well

Thanks JBERGES, I appreciate it.  You have no idea how much I needed to hear that right now.  smile

 
Quote
vitals are hard to check if your subject is cold blooded, has an exoskeleton, and you don’t really care.

Nothing could be funnier than this...

 
Quote
Charlie saw it best to leave her that way after she didn’t appear to show the same forgiveness as the others. She had stayed in that position after she failed to show to crew the same forgiveness the crew had shown Charlie.

I was wrong.  laff

 
Quote
The silence unbroken

I like that, nice turn of phrase.

 
Quote
We got whatever we were delivering -Love, Not Fry.

I love that!  Just the kind of thing Fry would devise.

 
Quote
‘I still barely know you but we almost died next to each other so that’s gotta mean something.’

And in one sentence you've successfully parodied the entire disaster movie genre.  Genius.

In short, it's a brilliant ending.  Totally, totally mental, but brilliant.  But then, every fanfic you've written has been.  And I take back what I said before about your switch to prose.  I like the way your style's developed as the story's progressed.  And I'm pretty sure you're the funniest fanfic writer on PEEL.  Every update has been hilarious.

I guess that's it then.  I hope you do write another fanfic in the future, but of course it's your decision, and if you do decide not to, then I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing you good luck in college and the best for the future, and if you get the chance drop by the board from time to time.  Just hope that by then we haven't all been replaced by newbies who've never heard of you!
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #716 on: 11-02-2006 22:10 »

SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! 

Why do the good writers always retire? The crappy ones stay forever!
NIC2001

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #717 on: 11-03-2006 10:57 »

Great Ending!

 
Quote
Originally posted by *Jberges*:
*The Lawbreaker made the engines stable enough to get the crew home, they do not know how or why yet. That said, that wasn't the end, this is:*
hmpf  Ok now I look stupid… But I must say that I really like how you tied everything together at the end. Fry and Leela falling asleep on the couch = priceless.

Also :
 
Quote
Originally posted by *Jberges*:
*After touchdown, Fry emerged from the PE ship dragging a still anesthetized Zoidberg. To the best of the crew’s knowledge, he was still alive, but vitals are hard to check if your subject is cold blooded, has an exoskeleton, and you don’t really care.

Bender followed, dragging Amy, still bound to her chair. Charlie saw it best to leave her that way after she didn’t appear to show the same forgiveness as the others. She had stayed in that position after she failed to show to crew the same forgiveness the crew had shown Charlie.
*
HA ha ha! That made me drop my water bottle. (I’m at the office so it’s ok, I won’t need to clean it up.  tongue

Great story Jgerges!
If you stop writing Fanfics, I hope that we'll still see you around on Peel.
Take care man. 
coldangel

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #718 on: 11-03-2006 21:55 »

That was cooool.
Kloudes

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #719 on: 11-04-2006 10:14 »
« Last Edit on: 11-04-2006 10:14 »

Well, 2 and 1/2 years later (geeeez), here we are. You retire, I have nothing to beta, and the Futurama community mourns the loss of another amazing writer.  Or... something like that.

Seriously though, Jgerges, you rock my socks.  This whole fic was great; you pulled off the transition from script to scrose to prose like a champ (though I don't know if anyone else has ever actually attempted scrose...)

Maybe the revival of Futurama will bring you out of your hidey-hole of retirement one day... Or maybe not... But I hope we see some sort of writing in the future (a ficlet? maybe?).

I'll stop rambling on and on now and just say...  We'll miss this thread.   smile
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