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Author Topic: Guy you've never heard of writes something mediocre!  (Read 46646 times)
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« Reply #600 on: 10-27-2005 16:08 »

dammit, that's CHI  :D

Hippies are smelly.

Bending Unit
« Reply #601 on: 10-30-2005 21:07 »

(Understands nothing of the previous conversation)

So, here I am, back and reviewing, which has nothing to do with John calling me to shame me into returning.  ;) (You know I love ya, Bergey)

It's odd. This part seems even more sesquipedalian than usual to me. Have you made that wonderful, precise high-falootin' language a goal? I'm not objecting, I love it, in fact. Frankly, you've got an incredible talent for it, to the point where I can honestly say I've never read a published novel with that level of elegant wordplay.

(shakes head) Wow, John. I mean really... wow. Strangely enought, it first struck me not with the playful, acrobatic writing but with:

He needn’t electrify the controls, superheat the driver’s seat, or strike the intruders with pendulum paint cans on strings... he would simply let karma run its course... he exited the room.
The paint cans sent me plunging back into the Home Alone days but the "needn't" just steamrolled me. It's not a complex word, it's all about the sentence construction. Needn't. I mean, it's perfect character writing and beautifully subtle. I know, I know, I obsess about weird things.

Anywhat, from that point on I was really seeing all these carefully chosen words, and organized sentences, and it may even have started to distract me from the story itself. Strange, eh?

So I'll just push past the rambling now. The description of the cockpit fall is hilarious, in addition to being brilliant and anytime I see (or read) Zoidy being disgusting I can't help but be inordinantly pleased and amused.

“I’m OK, my face broke my fall.” said Zoidberg, readjusting his towel. No one paid attention.

“Well, OK, I guess.” the crustacean shrugged; and with this motion, the towel started to slip...

“Go get your shell.”
I've been using a lot of these today but:  :love:

I continue to love the dynamic between Holly and Kui. They're really very interesting characters and it'll be neat to see where you go with them.

Charlie has just gone from creepily terrifying to terrifyingly creepy and you did it in the best possible way. It's so... reasonable. (Can you hear the astonishment behind that thought?) He makes sense in a ruthless, pragmatic, "soon-to-be-very-nasty-for-Amy" way. (Yippee for cliffhangers by the by. Wickedly done.)

The debate between Charlie and Leela is fun and got me relaxing my guard about the guy for a minute. Heh, big mistake, eh? Loved the car chase in space idea and execution.

Oh, one more quote:
“Gangway!” shouted Bender, pivoting to retreat, pointing out the tangible gangway that lead back onto Charlie’s ship.

Great writing, Bergey, and since I never say it, great betaing Kloudes!

Urban Legend
« Reply #602 on: 11-01-2005 01:39 »
« Last Edit on: 11-01-2005 01:39 »

Replies coming soon; hope everyone had a great Halloween.  He’s my contribution to the holiday; I know it’s neither funny nor very good, but what the hell.  Consider it a modern day Scary Door:

Announcer: You are moving in a direction parallel to nowhere, perpendicular to the unknown, and by this compass... a bit Southeast of insanity. Behind you is something too frightening to even imagine. Let’s assume it’s chasing you. An eerie thing that normally doesn’t fly flies out in front of you, and you try to turn and run, but then you remember that first thing I mentioned. Too late… you’re through… The Scary Door.

(Scene opens on a frazzled scientist in his lab fervently tweaking what appears to be a large radio)

Announcer: Reflect, regard, and refract Dr. Henry White; an underappreciated researcher on the brink of a startling discovery...

Henry (muttering to himself; raving): They all walked out on me... no one believed me.  But I’ll show them.  I’ll prove that certain radio waves can span four dimensions... I just need to keep calibrating... and I’ll be the first to hear something from the future.  Then who’ll be the one laughing?! Ha-ha! Finally, finally I’ll be noticed, finally people will know my name!

(A crackle from the speakers startles him. Realizing the significance, he dives towards them, pressing his ear to the speaker)

Voice (urgent):  Hello, hello?!! Can anyone read me?! 

(Henry feverishly grabs at a small microphone hooked up to the device)

Henry:  I read you, I read you!  Can you hear me?  What is your current year?

Voice:  Loud and clear; it’s 2040.  I suppose you’re near 2010?

Henry (barely able to take it all in):  Yes, yes!  I knew people in the future would try to contact the past!  That’s why I set up my receivers before such technology was invented; and then-

Voice (impatient):  Look, I don’t have time for this!  Humanity is in grave danger and we need assistance!  We need a scientist or something from your time to help us out right now.

Henry:  Well, I’m a scientist!

Voice:  Great!  I’ll try to get a chonospatial lock on you now that we’re connected.  I’m sorry to rush this all on you.  A vicious dictator has taken over the Earth; all but a scant few of the scientists have been slain, and we’ll need several others before we can put our resistance movement into motion.

Henry (flabbergasted):  ...so you need my help?

Voice (resolute):  Yes.  It may be dangerous, but you’ll be a hero if we succeed.  (There is a loud beeping noise on his end)  Got a lock! Don’t move!

(A rush of light spontaneously flows over Henry, he begins to fade.  A smile is visible on his face)

Henry (To himself):  A hero... recognition!! (He fades out)

(Cut to: a futuristic yet dilapidated laboratory.  Two scientists, one with microphone in hand, are arguing as Dr. White materializes on a Star Trek type platform)

Scientist 1: I know the situation is urgent Wayne, but you did not have permission to use the new technology like this.  It could- (He notices Henry behind his colleague)  Oh my...

(Wayne, the scientist with the microphone, wheels around to stare at Henry, who hasn’t moved)

Scientist 1 (hysterical): You really did it this time, Wayne!  We’re screwed! Screwed! You-

Wayne:  Jerry, wait!  I-  I can fix this! (He pauses, a devious smile forms on his face)  I can make everything better...

(Wayne suddenly pulls a pistol on Henry, who was been watching the conversation unfold nervously.  White instinctually dives out of the way, as Wayne, apparently a poor shot, can’t follow his movement and fires high.  Henry bursts through a nearby door and around a corner, then through a second set of doors.  He finds himself outside)

(The landscape is devastated, Henry stumbles a few steps through the remains of a city.  He stops dead at an unseen sight before him, and chokes on a word that never escapes.  In front of him is a 20 foot poster, reminiscent of Big Brother, and an older, yet unmistakable face graces the picture.  In enormous overlaid letters, the bold text reads :)


Henry:  Nooooooo!

(He falls to his knees at all this implies, and gladly accepts the forthcoming bullet from Wayne’s gun.  Instantly, the scene goes increasingly bright and fuzzy)

Wayne:  What’s happening?!

Jerry (giddy): You did it Wayne!  You altered the timeline!  White will never exist after 2010!  He’ll never come to power!

Wayne (serene): ...Heh. And no will ever know he existed.

Jerry (cold):  Serves him right.

[The poster, along with everything else... fades to White]

Fun to write, but fun to read?  Who knows.  Tell me what you think if you feel like it; until next time...


Space Pope
« Reply #603 on: 11-01-2005 01:48 »

Excellent little twist there at the end. I wouldn't say it'd be something you can imagine seeing on The Scary Door (too serious) but it'd be perfect for the old black and white episodes of the Twilight Zone.

Urban Legend
« Reply #604 on: 11-01-2005 13:50 »

Yeah I agree with MOle.  I could totally see that as an episode of the twilight zone.


Liquid Emperor
« Reply #605 on: 11-01-2005 17:33 »

Hey... that was great, John. I liked reading it on PEEL for the first time, as opposed to beta-ing beforehand. Good twist.  The first paragraph was ultra amusing. Great job all around.  :D

DOOP Secretary
« Reply #606 on: 11-02-2005 03:18 »

Ooh, very twilighty.  More like a thirty second Twilight Zone episode than a thirty second parody of a Twilight Zone episode.  I like it.  Seems very fit for the season.


Forgetting the fact that I have no idea about what your technology actually is and only a limited exposure to what it does, shouldn't this be "chronospatial"?  I'm just saying it doesn't seem to have anything to do anything with Korean money.

Urban Legend
« Reply #607 on: 11-02-2005 05:03 »

I like the way you worked in a pun at the end ofr no good reason but to maintain solidarity with your previous body of work.  :p

Typical in some ways, and for some reason I kept looking for jokes in it... see? You've typecast yourself, and now I can never take your writing seriously.  :p

Still, it's well exectuted for what it is. It's no mere parody, it stands on it's own. Ya.

Urban Legend
« Reply #608 on: 11-07-2005 15:40 »

Upon rereading, Slacky, I think there may have been a science pun in the first paragraph of the proper story:
Reflect, regard, and refract Dr. White
Possibly an optics gag.

By the way, I don't say this enough, but JBERGES's writing makes my inner nerd (i.e. my entire personality) giddy.

Urban Legend
« Reply #609 on: 02-09-2006 15:41 »
« Last Edit on: 02-09-2006 15:41 »

Me:  This expresses my sadness at not being able to update for so long:

 A song I distinctly recall writing for this occasion, not for some other project.

Everyone: Wow, such raw emotion!  We can’t stay mad at him now!

Me:  Uh, yeah, so, the combination of writer’s block and stumbling across a life has lead to this unintentional hiatus.  The good news is that I’ve started writing again, albeit slowly.  Sorry to bump this thread without anything yet, but hopefully this will motivate me to finish the next part.  And hey, chances are you don’t remember my current story anyway, so why not give it another read through?!

Everyone: Wow, we remember those jokes!  Nostalgia makes them acceptable now!  In fact, at least (x, where x >= 1) of those stupid math jokes were good!  We can’t stay mad at him!

Me:  Thanks for your patience, I’m glad we’ve had this talk.

Edit:  and if anyone's looking for Layla, her computer is DOA, she'll be back with us when she gets a new one

« Reply #610 on: 02-09-2006 18:26 »

When your excuse-posts are this entertaining, who's gonna complain?  :D

No worries, Bergmeister.  Take care, and tell Layla to do the same.  I'm writing again, too, and Venus has already updated some, so perhaps we're all getting over the Winter Holidays slump. 

Glad to hear from you, no matter how briefly.   :)

DOOP Secretary
« Reply #611 on: 02-09-2006 20:49 »

J...BERGES?  I could swear I know that guy.  But from where and in what capacity?

Urban Legend
« Reply #612 on: 02-09-2006 23:00 »

please, PLEASE don't use the word 'hiatus'.  lol, but seriously, it's good to see you're still around.  I'll be looking forward to an update  :)

Urban Legend
« Reply #613 on: 02-12-2006 04:39 »

Alright.  The vague possibility of new JBERGES, and the even vaguer and less likely possibility of new Layla.

This would explain why my email seemsto have fallen into a hole somewhere.

Back on topic, internet needs moar JBERGES!

Urban Legend
« Reply #614 on: 02-15-2006 23:51 »
« Last Edit on: 02-16-2006 00:00 »

Here’s hoping my long absence will make this part seem better.  Enjoy:

_____________________________ __
Part 7

Chapter Four

Airlocks are a major building block in space technology... just like Space-Legos.  Without them, any type of transition from a livable state to the vacuum of space would be nearly impossible.  There are two major types of airlocks.  Firstly, the archaic two-stage airlock: Invented eons ago, this system required the traveler to first enter a sealed room, wherein the pressure was slowly altered to a set point.  The traveler then proceeded out the other side once the pressures matched.  This has all been rendered obsolete by the invention of the one-stage airlock. The device makes use of dark energy (not to be confused with dark matter) a mysterious force of the cosmos that exerts a negative pressure on any baryonic matter.  An intricately designed wall of energy, invisible to the eye, manifests when the portal opens, creating a seamless pressure continuum, as well as forming a barrier of permeable repulsion for oxygen atoms at the inner side, effectively holding in the air.  Such airlocks are currently in practical use in rest stops, battle cruisers, and escape pods on fancy cruise liners.  Soon, all but the antique ships will be equipped.   

The taxi carrying the crew plowed through the rest-stop’s airlock before it could close, keeping the distance between it and the Planet Express ship manageable. Less manageable was the situation arising in the backseat. 

“We have to go back!  We have to go back!” shouted Fry, realizing the spot they had just left their Martian friend in.

“We can’t go back, damnit!” snapped Leela.  “I refuse to lose my ship to... to whoever happens to be stealing it!”

“But Amy-“

“Amy will be fine. We’ll go back for her later.  Charlie isn’t too bad of a guy once you get to know him.”

“Yeah,” added Bender, “And it’s not like he has anything else to do considering we stole his cargo, Fry.”

“You WHAT?” This was enough to elicit an alarum inside of Leela. “Have you no conviction?!”

“Three last month alone, and that’s why I approve your idea of getting as far away from here as possible.”

“Leela,” Fry tried to parley, “It wasn’t my idea! It-“

“Oh of course it wasn’t,” railed Leela, “I can count on you not having ideas, but you probably just went along with it like you always do.”

“I... I tried to stop him at first...” Fry mumbled meekly, like a child who had made his mother upset.

“Well this is just great,” bemoaned Leela.  “Now I don’t know if we should– OW!”

Her head struck the ceiling of the cab as it suddenly jerked downward, then to the left, then in many non-Cartesian directions.  The sensation felt jarringly familiar to the woman’s recently disrupted thought process. 

“What are you doing?!” she yelled to the cabbie.

“Just trying to follow that ship, like you said, ma’am.” He responded, pointing a heretofore uncategorized appendage towards the Planet Express ship, which appeared to be engaged in some sort of insectan mating dance.

Leela exhaled in slight relief. “The broken quantum drives!” she exclaimed. “How could we forget about those?!  They won’t get far at all!  This makes everything much easi- OW!”  Her face struck Bender’s torso as the taxi corkscrewed. 

“OK...” she forced through gritted teeth, “just... just follow the ship’s general trajectory, alright?”

“You’ve got it, ma’am.” The driver steadied the vessel just in time to be blinded by a bright flash.

“What the hell did that damn lobster do?!” Screeched Holly, clinging to the captain’s chair for dear life, having previously neglected to engage her seat restraint.

“Probably nothing, he’s too stupid to sabotage us so quickly.  I’m placing my blame with the pilot,” responded Kui, neglecting to engage restraint of a more oral variety.

“Ugh, it’s not my fault; and I can’t concentrate!  Why do you have to be so agitating?!”   

“I can’t help it Hol, my spinal cord is the agitator from an old top-loader...”

If Holly’s immediate response was accurately transcribed, it would be liable to contain more ellipses than the standard geometry book.  Who could crack a joke at a time like this?  They were spiraling, shaking, and shimmying towards nowhere in particular, and the woman could tell that the ship would soon fall apart under its own duress.  She pushed the disturbing implications of this out of her mind and focused on what she could handle.

“Get that lobst- what the frig is his name anyway?  Well, get him up here.  Just in case he knows more than he lets on.”

“But... but he might be naked!” Kui’s expression contorted in a fairly anomalous way for a killing machine.

“If you don’t get out of here in five seconds, I’ll get naked.’

“You wouldn’t.”

She bravely let the seat go with one hand and grasped her shirt zealously.


“Ack! Alright, I’m going!”  The robot scampered away like an embarrassed teenage boy. 

Drastic times, drastic measures.  If he could play on her insecurities, she could play on his.  Though, the thought of that lobster’s adipose flesh jiggling in harmonic phase with the ship was even a bit much for her stomach, which, in turn, she silently hoped would not act in a similar manner if further exposed.   

Back in the cab, the driver steadied himself as he slowly realized he was not being attacked.  What was that blinding light?

“Oh, that didn’t distract you, did it buddy?” asked Bender, scant an iota of concern in his voice.   “When Grace’s skull here found its way to my shiny exterior, it reminded me that I wanted to try out the camera I put in there.  This little viewfinder here locked right on to that reflection of you in the mirror.  Ah, the paltry marvels of non-Bender technology...”

“Alright, alright, just take it easy,” huffed the cabbie. “My driving’s not exactly stellar... well wait... I guess by its very nature it is...but-”

“Picture’s ready!” shouted Fry, reveling in the current diversion.  The camera spat out a photo into Fry’s waiting hand.  He gawked uneasily at it.

“This isn’t you...” Fry declared to the driver.  “It’s some creepy alien with a white face wearing spandex...’

“Hmm... looks like one of those dancer guys from the Cirque du Alpha Centauri,” replied Leela, peering over Fry’s shoulder.  Apparently, she had been hoping for a distraction just as much.

“The what?” croaked the cabbie, peering back into the passenger area.

“Y’know, the Cirque du A.C?” Leela resumed, “It’s this big spectacle that travels from system to system and a bunch of girly guys dance-“

“They are NOT girly!  They are cultured!”  Bellowed the driver, with a tone that suggested a nerve had been hit.

“Yeah, I suppose that you can’t stereotype....” dawdled Leela, expressionless, “But regardless, if you get your kicks dressing like that and prancing around, you’ve got a screw loose.”

“You... take... that... back.”  The cabbie raged, now with a tone that suggested a nerve had been sliced and haphazardly torn from the flesh.  In a startling coincidence, Fry concurrently lost his nerve.

“Alright man,” he started, “I don’t think she meant any-“

“It’s you!” shouted Bender, still analyzing the photograph.  “You’re the crazy sissy in the leotard!  Why did you tell us you were in the Cirque?”

“I’m... I’m not!  I just... I just...”  The creature’s voice cracked, and he suddenly became quite despondent, but this emotion was quickly followed by a blinding fury. “Listen you freaks, I don’t know where you come from or what kind of screwy mind games you’re playing but I have had enough!  Get the hell out of my cab!”

With that, he pressed a glowing red button on the dashboard. Two “Crap!”s and a “Huh?” barely escaped to the front of the vessel before a divider shot up between the two sides, sealing them apart. The back instantaneously jettisoned from the front, while said front made a quick U-turn, heading back towards the rest-stop.  The passengers met his icy stare as he passed by.

“Arg, she didn’t mean it!  I have screws loose all the time!  It’s a robo-compliment!”  blathered Bender, as if he could still be heard.  Further protests dissolved to a string of unintelligible syllables as their speed of expulsion increased at the same rate the taxi disappeared.

“It’s no use Bender,” sighed Leela.  “We’ll have to ride it out.”  She pointed out the flat glass window that now acted as a windshield of sorts.  “We’re drifting towards that planet over there.  Hopefully it’s inhabited, and hopefully he wasn’t cruel enough to disable the auto-reentry routine.”

Meanwhile, Fry’s thought from a minute and a half ago finally reached his mouth.  “What’s happening?  Why was that guy so mad?”

“He jettisoned us.” Leela began.  “The Astro-Jettison act of 2860 reserves cab drivers the right to abandon unruly or dangerous passengers, as long as there’s a decent chance they’ll survive.  As for why he was mad...”  Leela took the picture into her hand. 

“This does look like him...” she confirmed.  “What is with this camera you stole?”

“Who cares!” shouted Fry, briefly swapping places as the pessimistic one.  “Are we going to die or not?”  He had had enough angst for the day.  At least 500 angstroms of it, by his count.

“Probably not.” Leela assured.  “Though let’s hope there’s a hospital within a mile or so of where we land.  This won’t exactly be safe.”

“Woohoo!  Another free bag of glucose!”  Fry shouted, and was content.


Well, let’s hope the next update isn’t a quarter year away.  I haven’t exactly hit stride, but I’m hoping to continue this trend of writing, despite school projects continually getting in the way. 

Hey, speaking of that, go here and download the game:

It was my and 5 friends' project for video game design class last semester.  Just a cheesy 2-D sidescroller, but it becomes addictive as you progress and get upgrades and I like it.  Plus, I got to write all sorts of goofy game music for it!

Anyway, comments and critiques would be very helpful now, as I try to get back into this.  Thanks.

« Reply #615 on: 02-16-2006 01:08 »

Angstroms!  Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!

I love you, man.  (I will comment more after I've had some sleep.  But thanks, I needed this update.   :love:  )


Bending Unit
« Reply #616 on: 02-16-2006 07:38 »

Wow, that was great!  :love: I forgot how funny you were. I hope you get to update more often now.

I want a free bag of glucose...

DOOP Secretary
« Reply #617 on: 02-16-2006 13:23 »
« Last Edit on: 02-16-2006 13:23 »

I see you've been adding corn starch, because the plot is thickening.

Good work once again, J.  Your use of science jokes and puns is unrivaled.  In an interesting coincidence, I was actually reading about dark energy last night.  If this were an espisode of "Lost," I'd have to imagine nefarious forces were at play...perhaps dark forces.

EDIT: Also, 53 megs?  This had better be the best penguin-related game ever.  I don't know if my modem can handle it.

« Reply #618 on: 02-16-2006 22:47 »

Originally posted by JBERGES:
Here’s hoping my long absence will make this part seem better.

As if you needed the help!  Harumph.

Airlocks are a major building block in space technology... just like Space-Legos.

Loved this.  Though it occurred to me that they're actually more like the dots on top of Legos than the Legos themselves  (the dots being what allows the larger units - the bricks - to connect).  But even I know this is so technical that only those of us who are incurably anal retentive overly fond of minutiae will care. 

An intricately designed wall of energy, invisible to the eye, manifests when the portal opens, creating a seamless pressure continuum, as well as forming a barrier of permeable repulsion for oxygen atoms at the inner side, effectively holding in the air.

Gimme a high-five, JB, you old continuity-preserver, you.

Also, I just love phrases like "seamless pressure continuum" and "permeable repulsion."  They make me feel quite...tingly. 


“Have you no conviction?!”

“Three last month alone, and that’s why I approve your idea of getting as far away from here as possible.”

  :laff: Can't say much more than....essential Bender.

And I loved Fry during this scene.

...many non-Cartesian directions...

Love this phrase, too.  Also love the wordplay on "restraint" and "agitating."  In fact, I love all your wordplay.  Wordplay is a neglected art.  People don't play with words enough, dammit!  Everyone just uses and then abandons them, no wonder the poor little things get all bored and tear up the sofa during the day.  I'm glad to see you're taking good care of your words and satisfying their desire for fun.

I'm fascinated by the thought plickening, although I wonder if you haven't given away too much too soon.  I now know (at least, I think I do) exactly what the McGuffin is and what it does, which is fine if you had no plans to keep us guessing, but if you wanted to preserve suspense longer, you might go back and weed out some of the later clues.

And in closing, I just wanted to say how much I love your entire closing line:

“Woohoo!  Another free bag of glucose!”  Fry shouted, and was content.

But you'd better update sooner than you did this time, JBerges.  I've been dying to see how it goes with Amy and Charlie long enough, and I don't want to wait too much longer.

Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a fascinated reader scorned... :evillaugh:

Urban Legend
« Reply #619 on: 02-17-2006 00:28 »

dark energy airlocks... an interesting take on the whole scifi forcefield idea.  Anywho, great job as always.

... as it suddenly jerked ... in many non-Cartesian directions. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd hate to think what that would do to the people inside the cab  :D

please, don't wait three months to update again!


Urban Legend
« Reply #620 on: 02-20-2006 14:36 »
« Last Edit on: 02-20-2006 14:36 »

Shiny:  I had no plans to keep you guessing; our lovable characters will have it all figured out in a little while. (Little while in terms of the story; could be months at the rate I'm writing...)  Glad you liked my pseudoscientific way of explaining away continuity issues.   Waiting patiently for your update.

Arkan:  That glucose subject came up a while ago; while I was trying to put a positive spin on a hospital visit.  A lot of stupid comments I've made/heard years ago always seem to wheedle into my stories.  Glad you enjoyed it.

DrT:  I can safely say that it is the best penguin related 2-D platformer made by 6 students ever.  Also, I don't watch Lost, so that statement is.. uh... 'lost' on me.

SO:  I'll try my best to keep writing, and will continue to plug in random stuff I learn in my astrophysics classes where applicable. Thanks for responding.

now... where have all those other people that were asking me to update gone off to?  :p

Liquid Emperor
« Reply #621 on: 02-21-2006 22:40 »
« Last Edit on: 02-21-2006 22:40 »

Really good stuff, John.  Keep up the high-quality work.

Urban Legend
« Reply #622 on: 02-21-2006 23:43 »

Hmm... I read it... now I can't remember it...

The obvious solution would be to read it again, but I have never been one to take the easy way out. To the chronomatrix! We shall purge the universe of all that is forgotton, that all might know all, and everything is understood by everyone! Excelsior!

So yeah. It made me laugh a bit... but I can't remember why...
PCC Fred

Space Pope
« Reply #623 on: 02-24-2006 12:44 »

I've finally finished reading through this thread, and I'll start by getting my big whinge out of the way.  I preferred your script style to your prose, and consequently I liked your earlier stories better.  Don't get me wrong, the quality of your writing's great either way, and by writing prose you've managed to add a layer of depth to the story that's difficult to do with script.  But one of the things I liked about your scripted fics was the punchy dialogue, and to me it doesn't come across as well in prose format.

Okay, bitch over, now on to the good stuff.  Your fics are seriously funny.  Instead of just recycling gags from the show, you've come up with a lot of original and clever material, and the end result is the most LOL moments I've ever head from a fanfic.  In particular the scene in the AOI fic where Leela and Zapp are marooned on the planet is disturbingly hilarious.

In the same vein, you've managed to nail the comic potential of the characters without turning them into parodies or thin caricatures of their TV selves.  But the most impressive thing is that your fics also capture the tone of the show, and consequently read like an actual episode.  In an earlier review somebody said you ought to have been a writer on the show.  They're right.

Urban Legend
« Reply #624 on: 03-19-2006 03:29 »
« Last Edit on: 03-19-2006 03:29 »

    Slack:  The important thing is that you still exist... I think.

    PCC Fred:  Wow, thank you so much for reading through this thread.  Your comments mean a lot (And as I’ve said before, I know the prose way isn’t as funny, but I just didn’t have it in me to write another script)

    That said, the first part of this update is a bit too serious for my liking, but it kind of had to be done.  Hope you don’t mind, it picks up a bit afterwards.

    Part 8

    Amy gazed lingeringly into those cold eyes.  Buried under the layers of odium, there was some empathy, and that’s probably why she hadn’t been hurt yet.    She could understand why Charlie was so upset, but really, were the restraints necessary?  Shuffling in her chair, the Martian was briefly able to see things from his side, and considered that she too would probably want some collateral if something of value had been taken from her.  In truth, she held some empathy for Charlie’s situation as well, but it shared the same protective layering.

    “You’re... you’re not going to do anything to me are you?” she stuttered, noticing she sounded a lot more shaken than she thought she was.

    Charlie sighed.  “Look kid, I know you didn’t do anything wrong, but I’m not letting you go anywhere until I get back what’s mine.  I’m not trusting anyone anymore.”

    “But... but they need to get our ship back first!  You’re going to leave me tied up for hours?”  Frankly, she was used to the arrangement, but not the circumstances.  “Why don’t you go after Bender... follow their cab?”

    “Because I’m in no mood for a chase.  Worried about them not coming back, are we?”

    Amy could tell where he was going with this.  “They’ll be back as soon as they can.  They’d never abandon anyone.”

    “That confident in your friends, eh?” Charlie reiterated, slowly thumbing through the contents of Amy’s wallet, pausing on her pictures of the crew.  “Hmph.  And a Reptile lover I see...”  He held up a particularly adorable print of Kif and Amy. 

    While she fought the urge to correct his nomenclature, Foster developed a wry sort of smile. “Heh, I’m twice the man he could ever be.”

    “…I’m a quarter the woman you’d ever want.”

    Foster laughed earnestly at this, but in one unbroken motion viciously kicked Amy’s chair over.  With no way to stop the fall, Amy took the brunt of the impact, but stayed focused on Charlie’s next move from her back.  He was infuriated, but... he wasn’t even looking at her...     

    “You’re losing it!  Losing it!  Think this through!”  He barked at a nearby mirror.  There was a pregnant pause, and it appeared to be triplets.  “Damnit... why can’t I...” he broke off sharply. “Fine, let’s go.  We’ll catch up to your friends, they’ll get their ship, I’ll rip your robot to shrapnel, and we’ll all be on our way, OK?”

    “OK.”  Amy muttered weakly, quite disconcerted by the psychotic tone Charlie’s voice was taking on.  Without hesitation, he was peering down at her.

    “Right.  Let’s go.”  He said calmly, reaching down and offering a hand.

    Amy timidly gestured toward her bound arms with her head.  “Uhh...-” she started.

    Charlie blinked.  “Oh!  How stupid of me!” he chortled awkwardly.  Swiftly retracting his outstretched arm, he turned around, and walked away. 

    On the impaired Planet Express ship, Holly steered to the best of her ability; it felt like the ship was disintegrating all around her.  Having given up on an escape, she began a dicey descent into the atmosphere of the first habitable planet she was able to reach. 

    “The landing gear was non-responsive, Kui,” said Holly “Any suggestions?”

    “Aim for a lake Hol, I’ll count how many times we skip,” the robot mused dryly.  Holly was no longer in the mood, though she never really had been. 

    “Kui, do you want to die?!”

    “I wasn’t being serious, I-”

    “No, I mean, do you want me to kill you, right now, with a sizeable blunt object?”


    “Well then help me or SHUT UP!!

    The edge on her voice was nigh enough to cut the tension in the air.  Kui peered out the windshield and took a deep, unnecessary, simulated breath.  The planet’s surface no longer appeared spherical; they had one shot at this. 

    “Alright Holly my dear, the best way to do this is to bisect the area in between those two mountains over there, then bring it to a sliding stop on the downhill section behind them.”

    Holly exhaled deeply, making up for the fact that Kui had forgotten to.  “Right, I see.”  She attempted to adjust the trajectory, aiming for a rather tiny gap flanked by two intimidating peaks.  “Like this?”

    “Yeah, just hold it steady.  Bisect the gap, and then- woah!  More bisectually!  More bisectually!”

    Kui ducked for cover, as if a lower stance would help his situation. The ship no longer felt like listening to Holly, and very nearly careened off of the leftmost summit.  On a desperate whim, Holly cut the engines completely, realizing that they were going to miss their only soft landing spot.  For a brief moment, her body relaxed completely.  At least the violent quaking was over, and they had done all they could. Finally having an opportunity to, she latched her seatbelt tight, and turned to her still cowering companion.

    “Keep ducking Terminator, your crash position might actually help you this time around.”

    She braced herself.  This was it.  The last thing she heard made her both wince and smile in the most morbid of ways.   

    “You fixed the shaking while I got my shell?  Splendid!  I was beginning to wonder if- Brrrraaaa!!!!!

    Chapter 5

    Quantum physicists, or ‘Quantum mechanics’ as they came to be known (due to the fact that they were the only people able to fix any invention based on their theorems) achieved near celebrity status in 2900, when the last possible law in the field was successfully crafted.  A unified theory was complete, allowing for the understanding of everything conceivable.  That said, the mechanics became arrogant jerks, secluding themselves in cliques and having lengthy, high profile ‘scientific’ meetings.   
    Nothing is truly accomplished at these summits, since everything to be discovered already has been.  However, they continue to convene, even as their celebrity status wanes to that of B-movie stars, spending meeting after meeting rehashing pseudoscientific jargon in the hopes that it will make them seem important again.  Their last report looked something like this:

    New Super-Awesome Laws of Nature

      1)   If something has happened, there is still a chance that it did not, in fact, happen.
      2)   If something didn’t happen, there is no chance that it happened.
      3)   That said, a box is a surprisingly inadequate place to keep a particle.
      4)   Pauli Exclusion Principle:  The head of Wolfgang Pauli is no longer allowed to these meetings, because he is a loser. (voted for unanimously by all scientists, except Heisenberg, who remains uncertain)
      [/list]All things considered, Quantum mechanics are brilliant, but no longer do anything useful for society.  The odds of finding one anywhere, besides at a sleazy bar shouting pickup lines like, “Hey baby, your structure is hyper-fine!”, are incredibly low.  The odds of finding one in places where you’d actually need one are nil to negative slim.

      “Hey, this planet’s habited!” squealed Fry, “We’ll find a ride and a mechanic here for sure!”

      Fry crawled out of the taxi-half and surveyed the desolate town they had landed by.  Everyone had survived the spectacular crash, as usual.  Crashes had become so mundane to the trio that Leela had even stopped mentioning them in mission logs and diary entries.  They simply weren’t worth the waste of time to describe them.

      The cyclops checked her wrist. “Hmm, breathable air… and this planet is recognized by DOOP, so they speak English at least.  Maybe we’re not totally boned.” 

      “Wait, wha?” Fry faltered.

      “Haven’t you noticed that no matter where we go, you can communicate with people?  When DOOP headquarters moved to New Jersey, the universal language became English.  All citizens of DOOP planets are required to know it… except the people of Earth… for some odd reason.”

      “Oh…” Fry seemed enlightened. “I just thought everyone in the future used telepathy.”

      “Well that’s just stupid.  When have you ever-”

      Fry raised his finger as if to interject, and stared cogitatively at her.

      “Fry, I can’t read your thoughts.”

      “Oh, right. Well, then- hey what the-”

      Overhead, a distinctive shape plummeted through the atmosphere.  It was a beacon of hope, as well as a normal beacon, not associated with an emotion.  Leela raised a fist to the sky.

      “Don’t crash my ship, whoever you are!!” she shouted.

      “Yeah, you’re stealing her job,” quipped Bender, finally emerging from the capsule.

      “No one crashes like I can,” Leela replied, quite proud of herself.  “C’mon, we’ve gotta chase it down.  It’s going to land miles from here.  Let’s head into town and see if we can bum a ride.”

      “Or ride a bum.” added Bender.

      The two carbon beings started to walk towards what appeared to be the most populous section of the town ahead of them.  Bender followed close behind.

      “Hey guys, check out this picture I just took!”


      Eh, that’s all for now.  Thanks to Kloudes for the 3AM beta.   :)  Hope the writing was acceptable.  Tell me what you think, I need comments to live… and tungsten… tuuuungsteeennn…*wanders off*

      Bending Unit
      « Reply #625 on: 03-19-2006 06:19 »
      « Last Edit on: 03-19-2006 06:19 »

      Yay, everyone's updating at once!

      Heehee, that was cool. Freaky psycho Charlie was freaky and "More bisectually! More bisectually!" made me laugh out loud for quite some time. I also liked the quantum physicists/mechanics bit and the wordplay with 'beacon of hope/normal beacon' and 'bum a ride/ride a bum'.   :laff:

      I can also imagine this bit so well in my head (well, where else would I imagine things?):

      “Oh…” Fry seemed enlightened. “I just thought everyone in the future used telepathy.”

      “Well that’s just stupid. When have you ever-”

      Fry raised his finger as if to interject, and stared cogitatively at her.

      “Fry, I can’t read your thoughts.”

      And I wanna see the picture! Well, maybe not actually physically see, but I wanna find out what it is!

      Urban Legend
      « Reply #626 on: 03-19-2006 11:15 »

      “Yeah, just hold it steady. Bisect the gap, and then- woah! More bisectually! More bisectually!”

      I hope the university doesn't mind the coffee that's now sprayed all over their brand new lab table  :D

      1) If something has happened, there is still a chance that it did not, in fact, happen.
      2) If something didn’t happen, there is no chance that it happened.
      3) That said, a box is a surprisingly inadequate place to keep a particle.
      4) Pauli Exclusion Principle: The head of Wolfgang Pauli is no longer allowed to these meetings, because he is a loser. (voted for unanimously by all scientists, except Heisenberg, who remains uncertain)

      Great update JBERGES.  You've completely made my day  :)


      Urban Legend
      « Reply #627 on: 03-20-2006 01:12 »

      Oh man, that was great. i laughed out loud so many times! At both the sections Soylent just quoted as well as others i'm too lazy to mention!

      Urban Legend
      « Reply #628 on: 03-20-2006 01:50 »

      Heisenbeg joke = awesome ++
      More bisectuality = Bwahahahahahaa!
      Fry's telepathy = Happiness.
      Further Amy-is-a-slut jokes = Ah, how I miss them.

      Top effort. In the words of Bronson voice post-Kong Barrell: "He's still got it!"

      DOOP Secretary
      « Reply #629 on: 03-20-2006 02:36 »

      Let’s head into town and see if we can bum a ride.”

      “Or ride a bum.” added Bender.


      Actually the whole of the update was brilliant with a capital "yent."  I'm finding it hard to come up with new and clever ways of praising your stories, J.  I advise you to stop being so good or provide us with clever compliments to give you.  Eh, forget it.  I'll think of something.

      Liquid Emperor
      « Reply #630 on: 03-20-2006 02:44 »

      I'd chance to say this part is one of the best updates you've made in quite some time.  Serious subject matter aside (which I think you dealt quite nicely with), your wordplay and humor was top notch.  Nothing seemed forced, the dialogue was spot-on... I really enjoyed reading it (the first, second, third, fourth AND fifth time.)  :p
      PCC Fred

      Space Pope
      « Reply #631 on: 03-20-2006 07:52 »

      *uses thesaurus to find new superlative other than 'great', 'brilliant' or 'fantastic'*

      Scintillating chapter!

      I agree with Kloudes about this being your best update for a while, definitely IMO is the funniest since you switched to prose.  That telepathy bit is classic.  And Charlie is a seriously disturbing character.  I can't wait to see how this plays out.

      Yay, everyone's updating at once!

      No, it's bad!  It's bad!  By the time my next update arrives all the good writers will have posted theirs and mine's gonna suck by comparison!

      Bending Unit
      « Reply #632 on: 03-20-2006 11:36 »

      Don't you dare say that! It is a good thing! A very very good thing!

      And yours won't suck, either.  :)

      Liquid Emperor
      « Reply #633 on: 03-28-2006 19:41 »

      Originally posted by JBERGES:
      boingo2000:   (Latches to boingo’s leg like a loving granddaughter) …and don’t ever leave again!!

      Ooh... I hope when you said that, you meant "don't come back for six months."  Maybe you should think of me more as a deadbeat dad then a grandfather.  "Sorry I couldn't make it to your fanfic, I had... things.  You understand, right, kiddo?"

      So while I've been unintentionally ignoring you, you've gone and gotten amazing.  I still prefer your script format to your prose (but I've gone into that in the past... waaayyy back in the past), but I also still love your puns over all others.

      Well, see you in September!

      Urban Legend
      « Reply #634 on: 03-29-2006 20:39 »

      Boingo, Venus and Slack all responded to one update...  it’s just like days of nostalgia’s past. *blows nose into large, ornate handkerchief* Now where did EvilLunch run off to?  (You new guys/gals are great too, of course  ;))

      Hmm, I think I'm finally going to admit to myself that I truly have no clue whether I've written something well or not.  I was rather reluctant to post this part, and it was apparently quite good.  Thanks to everyone for their kind words; I’ll try my best to keep updating in a manner such that you actually remember what’s going on.  PCC Fred, you’re next on my list of fics to catch up on so you know, sorry for not getting around to it sooner. 

      PS:  And for anyone wondering where Layla’s gone off to again... well... this time I have no clue.  Sorry.  Maybe Venus knows.


      Bending Unit
      « Reply #635 on: 03-29-2006 20:52 »

      you should read the luck of troy

      Bending Unit
      « Reply #636 on: 04-27-2006 13:12 »

      Cool storylines you should send this stuff into fox maybe they'd bring back futurama  :)

      Urban Legend
      « Reply #637 on: 04-27-2006 13:19 »

      Originally posted by Kagome:
      Cool storylines you should send this stuff into fox maybe they'd bring back futurama   :)
      1. You're spamming the fanfic section.  Stop it.
      2. Yes, JBERGES's scripts are basically episode-quality.  Then again, it wasn't a lack of good writing that caused Futurama's cancellation, it was the internal politics of FOX.

      I responded to spammer-boy in this thread because it's been too long since I expressed how awesome JBERGES's writing is.  It's pretty goddamn awesome.

      Urban Legend
      « Reply #638 on: 05-17-2006 20:31 »
      « Last Edit on: 05-17-2006 20:31 »

      Hey Nerd-o, where've you been?


      With this post, I have officially been making updates to this thread for over two years.  Freakin' crazy.   Here's hoping some others start updating soon, and also that people are still around to read said updates:


      Part 9[/b]

      Holly lay slumped in her chair, drifting back into consciousness.  A small light directed at her face, she opened one eye grimly and mumbled to the blurry red figure holding a flashlight before her.

      “Uhhhghh... am I dead?”

      “Yes.  I’m so sorry.  I did all I could-”

      “You?!” the woman shot, hate proving the elixir required to bring her around. “You’re... you’re... but you’re not even hurt?!” This clearly bothered her substantially.  She closed her eyes again, running a hand through her hair and over her neck.  Either she had sweat more recently than she ever had in her life, was currently bleeding to death, or had wet herself in extraordinary fashion.  Forcing her eyes open again she scanned the area, and with that, dissected her predicament.

      “Please be blood...” she muttered to herself, but didn’t venture to check her hand for the telltale signs.

      “We.  Are.  Screwed!”  Kui’s voice echoed through the halls as he approached.  “This ship is totaled!  Communications are down!  Either we start walking, or we somehow miraculously put this contraption back together.  And those engines don’t make sense to me at all!”

      “Well, we can always try...” Holly tried to sound confident; she didn’t like the sawtooth Kui’s normally sinusoidal speech had taken on.  She changed the subject.  “Hey, am I bleeding?”

      “Yeah, but it’s mixed with a lot of sweat.”  The robot was loud enough, yet distant, if such a thing was possible. Holly decided to put her concerns to the test.

      “Hmm... surprised I came out of it so well, not a lot of padding around here.”

      “Yeah...”  The robot murmured.  Now she was truly scared.

      What, no fat joke?  That was a perfect set up!  Are you OK?!”

      “We’re... we’re not making it out of this Hol.”  He suddenly sobbed.  “We’re going to die and this lobster’s going to be here through it all, as unharmed and stupid as ever.”

      In fact, Zoidberg had not moved since Holly first saw him.  He remained quiet, watching purposefully.

      “C’mon now...” She was not used to situations like this at all. “I’m sure it’ll work out OK.  Grab a medkit for me and one for the ship; we’ll give it a try.”

      “I... I saw some weird looking ferret thing hoarding a medkit back in the halls.  He was by the gravity field former, which seems to be in working order at least. I’ll snatch it from him.”  The robot slowly steadied himself. 

      “Repair kit’s probably down that ladder,” Holly commented, pointing across the cockpit. “So grab a kit for me, kay?”

      “Which one, the former or the ladder?”

      “We’ll need both.”

      “Medkits?!”  Zoidberg suddenly interrupted,  “Those are for patch jobs and quacks with no talent!  I have a whole office full of medical equipment!  Used syringes, body bags, shell glue, whatever!”

      Holly considered beating him to death with a piece of his own carapace, but then thought of a much more clever solution.

      “Well, I am bleeding a little bit, and I have a hangnail. Do you have any heavy duty tranquilizers?”


      “OK, Doctor, you can help me.”

      Kui visibly brightened, which meant either he was a bit happier or had just blown a potentiometer.

      “See Kui, at least some things work out,” she said, allowing Zoidberg to dutifully carry her out of the room.  “Let’s get started as soon as I’m done with him, I’m getting tired.”

      “And fat!”

      “Mmm... a bit forced now.  Wait for your moment,” she critiqued through an earnest smile.  As bad as the situation was, it’d be much worse if they didn’t stick together.


      Bender’s picture depicted a scene so busy that Leela and Fry had to squint a bit as they walked to determine everything that was going on.  Like the picture taken before, the photo itself was monogrammed ‘N.S.’ in the far lower right. The scene portrayed completely corroborated Leela’s suspicion of what was specifically unique about the camera other than simply that.  Bender was on center stage, surrounded by countless robotic and human fans alike. Beck at his side, money, booze, and cigars nearly rained from the sky.  Leela scoffed lightly at the sheer selfishness this implied, but smirked when she first noticed the purple and orange spots in the crowd.  She wondered if Bender had even noticed the whole crew was there in the front row.

      Noticing Fry’s perplexed countenance beside her, she gave a simple explanation.

      “Don’t you get it Fry?  This camera takes a snapshot of what you most want... or at least something close to that.”

      Oh. I was wondering why someone would build a camera that inserted you into a random performance.”

      “Well... actually that could be true, but my version makes much more sense.”

      “So let’s try it out again and find out!” shouted a contented Bender, raising the camera to point at Fry.  Leela instinctively snatched it from him as if the subsequent shot were to fire a bullet.

      “Let’s not.” she demanded, and then added, far too awkwardly, “We don’t know if it has any adverse effects... could be... could be dangerous!” 

      Embarrassing thoughts scampered through the cyclops’s hassled mind.  Perhaps it was a bit narcissistic, but she knew at least one thing Fry had always wanted to do, and though it may not have topped his list, she wanted no chance of discovering such a scene on film.  Granted, she knew Fry wasn’t as bad as Zapp, who went as far as to retain half a dozen of most items so he could say “sex-tuple” more than any normal person should. Still... something about what image could fade onto that exposure, be it of her own exposure or not, set her on edge.

      A bus passing on the opposite side of the intersection they had just reached looked cool enough to dislodge the guys from any rebuttal.  It skidded into the terminal, unfolded itself into an Optimus Prime type character, did a quick penance as passengers boarded, then folded back up, speeding away with remarkable efficiency.  As it drove off, Leela caught of the glimpse of the sign on the side of the bus: “CAUTION:  Bus Kneels.”

      Heretofore unnoticed due to this spectacle, the bussing facility came into view across the street.

      “Looks like a bus is our best chance,” Leela said as they crossed the street, “I’ll go in there and see if any are headed east; you wait here in case one comes by while I’m asking.”

      Elsewhere, in a galaxy, far far away, life was proceeding as usual for the two earthbound members of Planet Express.  The ceiling had been painted, the couch was deservedly sanitized, and the lab animals had been re-emboweled.  The Professor was quietly asleep, and Hermes joyfully reveled in the lack of din.  He quintuple-stamped a form entitled “Box Delivery to Disorgatron,” thereby vowing on his bureaucratic badge that the package had arrived.  It was a typical delivery, so though he hadn’t heard anything from the crew yet, he remained either blithely confident in their success, or blithely apathetic to their fate.  All was well.

      “Hermes, bring me my formal bed-pan!”

      Perhaps not.

      Meanwhile, the typical delivery had turned atypical, and was only getting worse; Leela had hit another jam.  Of course, for this crew, a typical delivery was atypical, and anything not atypical was far from a typical experience.

      “So... there are no more buses running today?”

      “Nope, that was the last one” the teller politely replied. 

      “Could I order a taxi of some sort from here?”

      “Well, you probably could, but, they won’t accept foreign currency or extragalactic credit cards without ID, and the banks have already closed.  We’ll be closing soon too, now that the last bus has left.”

      Leela scratched her head; this was looking more and more like a definite problem.

      “Well... can you try to get me a loan?”

      “Baby, I’d love too get you alone.”

      The wink that followed sent a familiar shiver up the woman’s spine.  Perhaps luckily, Fry concurrently burst through the door, interrupting the ill-fated flow of the conversation.

      “Leela, let’s go!  Another bus is coming by!  We can catch it!”

      Realizing she was practically at a dead end anyway, Leela vaulted the queue rope and easily beat Fry to the door in pursuit of the bus that was indeed passing by. Following close behind, Fry and Bender waved their hands desperately, trying to catch the attention of the driver, who had apparently failed to stop at the nearby terminal.  Nearly a half-sprinted block later, Leela realized the pursuit was futile; she was losing ground, and could not keep up much longer.  She slowed to a walk and made a u-turn, noting with some meager delight that it would be a few seconds before Fry and even Bender reached her.

      “It’s useless,” she said as they slowed to a halt. “I’ll have to try to convince that teller to help us.  According to him there’s no more buses, so we have no other means of transport.”

      Looking up, however, Leela noticed the lights were now off in the building they had come from.

      “No!  Don’t be closed now!”  Leela ran back at a fatigued pace to discover a ‘Closed’ sign on the door, yet none of anyone within.

      Plopping herself to the curb with blatant disregard for her posterior, Leela exhaled.  They had no chance of getting to their ship now, unless another unscheduled bus randomly came by.  Seeing as one just had, she reasoned there was still a sliver of hope. Noticing that once again Fry and Bender had caught up to her, she turned to the redhead.

      “Did you manage to see where that bus was headed, Fry?”

      “Oh, yeah.  I saw the going-to display.  It’s heading to a place called Knotten’s Irviss.  Do you think it’s near where we need to go?”

      “Knotten’s Irviss?”  That didn’t quite sit right with the woman; though she couldn’t exactly determine where she knew that place from, she was positive that she had heard of it before.

      And then it hit her, like a sack full of sacks full of dark matter.

      “Fry...  it didn’t by chance say NOT IN SERVICE, did it?!

      “Um... maybe?  I don’t know, the bus was moving really fast.... Oh, also, I can’t read that well, and have bad gums.”

      Fry now cowered from the all-too-well known furrowed brow and emergence of the vein which he had affectionately dubbed ‘Veiny’ on Leela’s forehead.

      “This is perfect, just perfect!  Because of you, we have absolutely-”


      “Bender, enough with the damn camera!!”


      And thus, I successfully get an update in before PEELathon, which was a goal of mine.  I'll be back with pictures and stuff later.  Until then, feel free to tell me what you think, be it good or bad.  Thanks!

      DOOP Secretary
      « Reply #639 on: 05-18-2006 03:38 »

      Kneeling busses, my old arch-nemeses...

      Another fantastic chapter, J, and be sure to rock the casbah at PEELathon.  If casbahs are in short supply, be sure to rock any of the various casbah-equivalents NYC has to offer.
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