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Author Topic: Guy you've never heard of writes something mediocre!  (Read 29089 times)
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boingo2000

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #360 on: 01-21-2005 16:02 »

Hmm... you may be able to squeeze some comedy from these suggestions:

What if Leela and Zapp had fallen in love?
What if Fry and Scruffy switched jobs?
What if Bender never got his body back from Nixon?
What if Amy became a pop star?
Layla50

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #361 on: 01-21-2005 16:59 »

Yeesh, what took me so long to respond to this anyway? Yay! Bergey's comin' back! Yippee!

So I listen to your music, and I gotta say I thought it was pretty lame. Okay, okay, I'm kidding. I loved it. You have a nice sense of theme and I love the choice of orchestration (instruments used). Sounds like marimba?
How much musical training do you have anyway, or is this pure natural talent? It's lovely.

As far as ideas go... hmm... maybe Fry and Leela trading roles? i.e. Leela's the delivery...girl, from the past and Fry's from the future.
Or maybe what if Bender were good... well, we saw a little of that didn't we?
What if earth was ruled by robots/Bender? What if Amy was the captain, or Fry (the phrase 'boom' comes to mind)

These are pretty lame really. What if Leela cut her hair short? That could have improbable consequences. What if Kif was the captain of the Nimbus? What if mom and the Professor were married? What if Fry had actually let Seymour be ressurected? (That's a little too emotional for your style though)

I dunno, there's tons of things you could do, and I can't wait to see them!

CrazyDoc

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #362 on: 01-23-2005 13:42 »

Hey, JBERGES. I've reading reading these stories of yours and I think they're great. Very funny and true to the spirit of the show. You certainly know the characters well. Here's my individual reviews:

"Perfumed By An Unseen Censor" - great stuff. It had just the kind of premise and resolution I'd expect of an episode. Zapp shines in particular.

"Bearer of Bad News" - very funny, and made good use of the Robot Devil. Maybe a few more lines between Ignar and the Professor would have been a good idea, although making it into a slushy father-son reunion scene would've been a step in the wrong direction (and would never have worked with those two).

"The Butterfry Effect" - you're showing your versatility here. I think you gave a good spin on the time-travel idea and pushed it to the max. Zapp was great again and I liked the ending.

"Of Mice and Mensans" - liked again. Some inspired gags, such as the Newton "captions" and the double-twist ending.

Keep on writing!

P.S. About my message on page 6, I have no idea how it got there but I actually posted it when this thread was only a few posts old. Somehow it got pushed forward six whole pages...either it's a computer error or there's a mod out there hellbent on embarrassing me. confused

JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #363 on: 01-27-2005 20:25 »
« Last Edit on: 01-27-2005 20:25 »

Hey, thanks everyone;  Iím not positive of what ideas Iím going to use for the other two stories, but Iíll say that one of Slackís and one of Laylaís were close to ideas I was already considering.  Weíll see what happens. And thanks to CrazyDoc for that comprehensive review.  Hope you stick around.   Well, letís get this started:

Anthology of Interest 2.71828

(Opening Credits and Music:
Caption:  Benderís Wardrobe By Emperorís Clothes Inc)


(Scene opens on the Professorís lab.  The crew is gathered in anticipation as the Professor unhurriedly sorts through his tools.  Looking back and forth between a screwdriver set and the What-If machine, Farnsworth delicately and carefully selects a mid-sized screwdriver.  He unsheathes it, flips it over, then bashes the machine upside the monitor with the handle)

Farnsworth:  There. (He turns)  Good news, everyone!  The What-If machine is completely fixed, and it stopped leaking plausitrons!   Who wants to give it a test inquiry?

(Everyone raises their hands/appendages, shouting in excitement)

Farnsworth:  Oh, now now, thereís no rush, there is plenty of time for everyone to have a turn. Though, more specifically, exactly three of you.

Hermes:   I suggest we do this da fair and organized way.  Alphabetically. (he smirks)

Farnsworth:  Very well... Amy, you go first. 

Amy (ecstatic):  Really?!

Hermes (Interjecting):  Not first names ya jerked... jerk! (He sighs)

Amy:  OK. (taking her place) Thereís something Iíve been wondering for some time now.  What would happen... if Kif asked me to marry him?

Fry (obnoxious):  Boooooring!

(Amy gives him a swift kick in the shin, adding a Cantonese gibe)

Fry (feebly):  Paaaaainful...

(Cut to the swirling eddies of color on the What-If machineís screen.  The amorphous forms slowly congeal to form a recognizable picture) 

(Scene opens on Kif and Amy, dining at a fancy restaurant)

Amy (eying Kif seductively):  What a wonderful night Kif...  The dancing, the flowers, the unexpected truckload of stuffed animals... the dinner, youíve really outdone yourself tonight.

Kif:  Well, heh, we donít get to do this often, so Iíd like to make it special.

Amy (sexfully):  Any day is special when Iím with you...

(Kif smiles instead of choking for once, and takes his cue)

Kif (nervous, but contained):  I know Amy, you always say that, and I hope you truly mean it.  I feel the same way.

Amy (swooning):  Oh, Kif...

Kif:  Amy, thereís something I have to ask you...

(Kif attempts to get down on one knee, but it folds, accordion style, on itself)

Kif:  Oh my... this isnít...

(Now too nervous, he turns transparent)

Kif:  Oh dear.  I uh... Amy, would ...(sputter)... you...

(A waiter trips over Kif, now camouflaged with the floor, spilling the contents of a predictably large tray onto the amphibian)

Kif:  Ohh... (quickly)  Marry me! (He produces a now slightly sauce-coated box from his pocket, which flips open, revealing a rather stunning ring)

(Amy squeals with delight)

Amy:  Of course I will!

(She flings herself off her chair, arms outstretched, in Kifís general direction, but passes directly over his chameleonic shoulder, instead soaring headlong into the ground)

Restaurant Patrons (sweetly):  Awww...

(Cut to a coffee shop patio.  Amy is chatting happily with Leela)

Leela:  And so thatís it?  Itís final?

Amy:  Uh-huh!

Leela:  Pardon my bluntness, but I just canít believe you said 'yes.'  Youíre so afraid of official commitment.

Amy:  I know!  I just said yes without even needing to think.  I just love him that much... and besides, life wonít be too different, since we decided it would be best if Kif moved in with me.

Leela:  You mean?

Amy:  Kif is quitting the military and leaving Zapp on the Nimbus.

Leela:  And just how is he planning on telling Zapp this?

Amy (edgy):  Well...heh-heh- thatís why I invited you here...

(She points over Leelaís shoulder.  Leela twists her head around to discover the Nimbus in sight at a nearby port)

Leela (shouting):  Oh-ho-no!  No way, Le Wei!  Whatever youíre thinking-

Amy:  Just come with me on a ďdouble date.Ē   Itíll be easier for Kif to break the news if youíre there.

Leela (hostile):  Thatís not all thatíll be easy to break.

Amy (cute):  Pleeeeease?

(Leela slumps in her chair and sighs)

(Cut to:  The deck of the Nimbus.  Amy, Leela, Zapp, and Kif are seated at a table, a drink in front of each)

Zapp:  Iíd like to propose a toast the happy couple. (he raises his glass)  May Leela become aware of the fact she is part of it, and soon meet me in my chambers for what happy couples, and certain canines, do.

Kif:  Uh, sir...

Zapp:  What?

Kif:  You know, there is a non- fantasized couple at the table too...

Zapp:  Huh? Oh, youíre still dating Whatís-her-chest over there?

Kif (quietly fuming): Her name is Amy!

(Leela and Amy glare at Zapp with a glower that could liquefy pants. He doesnít notice)

Zapp:  Yeah, whatever.  Hereís to you two.  (He downs his drink)
_____________________________ _____________

The next update shouldnít be too far away.  After that, however, Iíll probably be unreliable and take a long time.  I preemptively blame school, and lack of ambition. 

Comments?  Critiques?  Please?  I miss you... tongue
Kloudes

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #364 on: 01-27-2005 20:40 »

I miss you too.  Come over.

...

...

...

Yeah. And the story is off to a good start, too. Especially the "pants" line  wink
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #365 on: 01-27-2005 21:36 »
« Last Edit on: 01-27-2005 21:36 »

Overall Comment: Eeeeeeee!

Overmost Comments: I LOLed 4 R34Lz yo. Seriously, I don't know if it's just 'cause I've missed this thread or if you outdid yourself, but the jokes were top notch. However (yeah, I know, there's always a however), from the beginning of the coffee shop scene to Zapp's arrival felt kind of... flat. Not enough humor to cover up the foul stench of exposition. If it's possible to do so without making it feel too strained, I suggest trying to squeeze a couple more jokes into that section. As it stands, it's almost got this, like, Oxygen Network feel to it.

Oversome Comments: Favorite bits...
       
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Anthology of Interest 2.71828
Gasp! e! Dude, that's great. So much cooler than doing the normal thing and going with the ol' reliable pi. Well, not cooler, per say, but you know what I'm getting at.

     
Quote
and it stopped leaking plausitrons!
Beautiful.

       
Quote
Fry (obnoxious):  Boooooring!

(Amy gives him a swift kick in the shin, adding a Cantonese gibe)

Fry (feebly):  Paaaaainful...
Fuuuuuuunny.

       
Quote
(Cut to the swirling eddies of color on the What-If machineís screen.  The amorphous forms slowly congeal to form a recognizable picture)
 
Holy word choice, Batman! That was pretty.

       
Quote
for what happy couples, and certain canines, do.
       
Quote
Whatís-her-chest
Amazed all over again at how well you write Zapp's lines.

There was more awesome-ism, but I don't want a monopoly on the quote market. Already excited for Part 2.

 <IMG sig="true" SRC="/ubb/sigs/00004965.png" border=0>   
A haiku:
JBERGES can write
Stupid good-writing bastard
Vote bastard, you jerks
say what now

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #366 on: 01-27-2005 21:40 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Zapp:  Huh? Oh, youíre still dating Whatís-her-chest over there?

I doubt I will ever be able to breathe correctly again. That was so amazingly funny that... there are no words to finish this sentence besides these.

Gorky

Space Pope
****
« Reply #367 on: 01-28-2005 06:50 »

Great stuff for the most part, JBERGES. Although I do agree with T_L on the fact that maybe there were parts that were a bit flat (although I loved Kif's proposal...funny stuff), this is still looking like it's gonna be the epitome of awesomosity.

 
Quote
Zapp: Iíd like to propose a toast the happy couple. (he raises his glass) May Leela become aware of the fact she is part of it, and soon meet me in my chambers for what happy couples, and certain canines, do.

Kif: Uh, sir...

Zapp: What?

Kif: You know, there is a non- fantasized couple at the table too...

Zapp: Huh? Oh, youíre still dating Whatís-her-chest over there?

That was my favorite bit. Keep up the great work, man.

hobojobo

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #368 on: 01-28-2005 20:26 »

Awesome stuff, Jberges. I could point out my favorite parts, but everyone seems to have already done that. I can't wait for the next part!
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #369 on: 01-30-2005 00:08 »
« Last Edit on: 01-30-2005 00:08 »

OK, TL, and Gorky, I'll fix that part you speak of in rewrite. (*sniff* Oxygen Network makes me freel empowered).  Thanks for the reviews; and TL, that signature is great, especially the way you put yourself down  smile

Saywhat and hobo, glad you're reading, hope you stay around for the rest of the story.

Kloudes; you liked the pants line?  Wonder why...

Anyway, I'll hopefully have the next part out within the week, until then, I hope this bump catches the eye of some of the regulars... because I'm insecure, and I'm just sure theyíve forgotten about me. tongue
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #370 on: 01-30-2005 00:31 »

We havn't forgotten about you Bergy. We're just waiting for when you least expect us, and then we shall decend upon you like blow flies on a fresh corpse in Central Park.
Layla50

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #371 on: 01-30-2005 16:51 »

Oh, Bergey!! In no way did we forget you!! We love you!!! (See!! Look at all the exclamation marks!!!! That means it's true!!!!!)

!

I wanted to wait till I was alert and had some time to to spend reading and responding to your long awaited beginning.
Let me start off by saying: Squeeeeeee!!!!

 
Quote
Anthology of Interest 2.71828

How did you know 2.71828 is my favorite nnumber?

 
Quote
(Opening Credits and Music:
Caption:  Benderís Wardrobe By Emperorís Clothes Inc)


Oh, that's really a classic caption. I love it!
 
Quote
[i  Looking back and forth between a screwdriver set and the What-If machine, Farnsworth delicately and carefully selects a mid-sized screwdriver.  He unsheathes it, flips it over, then bashes the machine upside the monitor with the handle)[/i]
Lovely twist to the typical hammer gag.
Plausitrons is the funniest atom (or more precisely, bit of an atom) that I've heard of in a long time. You should have a subatomic particle named after you. Bergitron, maybe.
 
Quote
Farnsworth:  Oh, now now, thereís no rush, there is plenty of time for everyone to have a turn. Though, more specifically, exactly three of you.
I love how you and Gorky manage to take something contrived for the purposes of plot and make it hilarious. It's wonderful!

 
Quote
Amy (ecstatic):  Really?!
Nice reference to that AOI. I half expected you to trick her again.
 
Quote
Hermes (Interjecting):  Not first names ya jerked... jerk! (He sighs)

Ah, enmity between Hermes and... well, anyone really. It always cracks me up. Also, I like the phrase 'jerked jerk'.

I love your idea about the marriage thing. It's just a really good question as well as presenting lots of humourous possibilities.

 
Quote
Fry (obnoxious):  Boooooring!
...
Fry (feebly):  Paaaaainful...

Oh, that was funny!  laff
 
Quote
(Cut to the swirling eddies of color on the What-If machineís screen.  The amorphous forms slowly congeal to form a recognizable picture) 
Mmmm... a description so juicy you could eat it.

 
Quote
Amy (eying Kif seductively):  What a wonderful night Kif...  The dancing, the flowers, the unexpected truckload of stuffed animals... the dinner, youíve really outdone yourself tonight.

Now why can't I get anyone to do that for me? Seriously, I can really picture that.

 
Quote
Amy (sexfully):  Any day is special when Iím with you...

Hah! Sexfully!

 
Quote
Amy (swooning):  Oh, Kif...

Hah! Swooning!

 
Quote
(Kif attempts to get down on one knee, but it folds, accordion style, on itself)

Accordians are comic gold, and I just love poor Kif's embarrassment about it. Also, love the callback to his transparency, and the hilarious results. Amy missing him is icing on the cake. Very in character for both of them.
 
Quote
Restaurant Patrons (sweetly):  Awww...

So cute!

 
Quote
Amy:  Kif is quitting the military and leaving Zapp on the Nimbus.

(shocked gasp)

 
Quote
(She points over Leelaís shoulder.  Leela twists her head around to discover the Nimbus in sight at a nearby port)

I can imagine how they'd animate this, and it's really funny.

 
Quote
Leela (shouting):  Oh-ho-no!  No way, Le Wei!  Whatever youíre thinking-
Oh, there's a reference here that I don't get... and I want too!! (It's still amusing however.) I love the way you give Leela weird expressions. She uses them in the show, but they are oft forgotten in the fanficverse.

The conversation between the two women is quite natural to me, even if it doesn't make me laugh as much. Really, it's a necessary set up and I think you've handled it well.

 
Quote
Zapp:  Iíd like to propose a toast the happy couple. (he raises his glass)  May Leela become aware of the fact she is part of it, and soon meet me in my chambers for what happy couples, and certain canines, do.

I laughed even as a shuddered at the imagery. Thank you.

 
Quote
Kif:  You know, there is a non- fantasized couple at the table too...

Zapp:  Huh? Oh, youíre still dating Whatís-her-chest over there?

Kif (quietly fuming): Her name is Amy!

Just all around lovely character writing, which is also hilarious. Love the way Kif has evidently borrowed a backbone.

 
Quote
(Leela and Amy glare at Zapp with a glower that could liquefy pants. He doesnít notice)

liquify pants... you are truly gifted.

Once again, sorry about taking so long about this. (If it makes you feel better, I voted for you!)

Oh, and Venus, thanks for the imagery, as always.

Yay for Bergey!
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #372 on: 01-30-2005 18:18 »

Okay, layla gave a more detailed review which means i should as well. I loved, loved the whole proposal scene. All of it, the accordian knee, the transparency, Amy's missing him, and the crowds 'awww'. I could see all of that happening in the show.

I loved the coffee scene as well. it didn't come off 'lifetime channel' to me, but then again i do watch the lifetime channel so maybe i am biased. So what if it wasn't line-for-line funny. Who said it needs to be? Comedy shouldn't come before plot, and the scene was needed for the plot. And you put enough jokes in it to make it amusing and interesting.

Loved Fry's 'booooring' 'paaaaainful' i could see that fitting seemlessly in the show, as well as Zapp's uh...Zappness. "What's her chest" had me rolling. So did the 'liquify pants' line.
AsaB

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #373 on: 01-30-2005 20:29 »

I'll leave those incredibly thorough and multileveled reviews to the pro writers. But, as an enthusiastic reader, I'm still gonna let you know that was hilarious! Pure gold. The Zapper was especially spot on, 'What's-her-chest' also had me (surprisingly!  tongue) floored.
*pokes* Uuupdaaate...
SlackJawedMoron

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #374 on: 01-31-2005 07:01 »
« Last Edit on: 01-31-2005 07:01 »

*The Slack signal seers the night air.*

GASP! Someone is in need of immediate ego-embursment! Quickly! To the SlackHawk!

*A whirl of rotor blades and a newly airbrushed Corgi later...*

Hmm? Oh. It was good.

Really. It was. If I don't say anything interesting, it's because I hate repeating things that others have said.

So, with another potential suicide averted, I go!

*Disappears in a shower of Cherry-Blossums.*
CrazyDoc

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #375 on: 02-01-2005 06:57 »

What everyone else has said, basically. Although I'll add that the coffee shop exposition was necessary. I'm sure there were scenes like that in the show itself.

Hah...I love how the title of this thread has become deliciously ironic...
boingo2000

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #376 on: 02-01-2005 10:32 »

I have to start checking this more often, so I can praise things before eveyone else says it first.  As it stands, eveything that's great has alredy been called great, so I'd just be parroting.  However, that having been siad, I must admit I love "liquify pants."  Well, I love all of it, but "liquify pants" is the one I'm most likely to try and pass off as my own joke to my friends. (And there's nothing you can do to stop me!  MWAHAHAHA!)
Shaucker

Professor
*
« Reply #377 on: 02-01-2005 21:04 »

Wow, I was off somewhere for a while. I had to be told by the author that a new one was posted.

Awesome as always, Bergie. I love the "sexfully" direction(always coming up with new adverbs, hmm?), and the e joke. Pi has been getting too much credit lately. Some other irrational number needs some lovin'. I'll send you some kind of love thing if you use i.

 
Quote
May Leela become aware of the fact she is part of it, and soon meet me in my chambers for what happy couples, and certain canines, do.
Muahahha! More Zapp! I don't care how easy and fun you say he is to write, it's still wicked good every time!

Great start, and I'm sure if you don't put up the next section soon, everyone will come to your house and eat your ears off.


JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #378 on: 02-03-2005 14:12 »
« Last Edit on: 02-03-2005 14:12 »

Replies:

  • Venus: Nice metaphor there.  As for the coffee shop scene in question, now Iím all torn about it.  Iíll give it a good look over on re-write, after the story is complete; so Iíll just leave it be for now.  Thanks for commenting.  That ďWhatís her chest lineĒ was written eons ago, I was very happy to finally sneak it in there.

    • Layla:  Wow... that was terrifyingly thorough. Thanks for that effort.  The one reference you didnít get wasnít really a reference at all.  Leelaís ďNo way, Le Wei.Ē  was just a take off on the expression ďNo way, JosŤ.Ē  Le Wei is a feminine Chinese name, and is pronounced ďLee-way,Ē so it rhymed.

    • AsaB: Update?  Iím not some fancy Layla type person that updates when asked to...  that requires creative spark.  In fact, Iím proud of this week-long break between updates.  Thatís probably not going to happen again.  Glad youíre enjoying it.

    • SJM:  Now what am I going to do with this noose?  Thanks a lot....

    • CrazyDoc:  Hey, modesty never hurt anyone.  Since I canít change the thread title, itís like modesty without all the effort!     tongue

    • Oingo:  Check this thread more often?  How about come to PEEL more often!  Youíre never around anymore...

    • Shaucker:  Same with you; what did I tell you about not caring about school?

      Oh, and you all apparently owe Kloudes for that ďliquefy pantsĒ line.  I was going to take it out, but she insisted it was good.[/small]

      I donít know what I was thinking when I wrote this... but I think I like it.
      _____________________________ ___________

      PART 2

      Zapp:  Yeah, whatever.  Hereís to you two.  (He downs his drink)

      (Amy, getting impatient, kicks Kif under the table)

      Kif:  Oh, right.  Um, Sir...

      Zapp:  What is it, lackey?

      Kif:  Well, it may interest you to know that Amy and I are getting married.

      Zapp (impassive):  And why would that interest me?

      Kif:  Well, putting all emotions you could feel aside, it means that Iíll be stepping down from my duties. (gulp).  Sir, I am respectfully leaving your command on this vessel.

      (Zapp takes a minute to let this soak in.  He clenches his fists in rage, but any possible intimidation factor is offset by the lone tear in his eye)

      Zapp:  But... but... who will wash my clothes, and apply various ointments to not so various parts?

      Kif:  Well, sir, you could always promote a new lieutenant...

      Zapp (whining):  It wouldnít be the same!  Who will wash my underarms with a toothbrush every day?

      Kif:  Sir, please...

      Zapp:  And who will replace that toothbrush with a fresh one each morning?

      Kif:  Um... Iíve never done that, sir.

      Zapp:  ...oh. (a beat)  And who will-   

      Leela:  Will you shut up?!  You can start doing things for yourself! 

      Zapp (Back in character):  Shall I start with you?  (wink)

      Leela:  Not if you want to be breathing for yourself.

      Zapp (walking away; grumpy):  Fine, Iíll do something for myself... Iíll let the three of you off of my ship.

      Kif (following):  Please sir, try not to be upset.

      (The two women follow Kif as Zapp goes through a doorway)

      Zapp (entering the bridge; morose):  Well, we should be getting back to Earth any second now... no need for me to keep you on this ship any longer.

      Kif (surveying the room): Actually... weíre on a crash course with that non-Earth planet clearly visible in front of us. 

      Zapp:  Impossible!  I turned on the autopilot!

      Kif:  It doesnít seem so, sir.

      Zapp:  Impossible!  Well... then what did I turn on?

      Kif:  (sigh) The... uh, waffle iron, sir.

      Zapp:  (now eating a waffle)  Mmmpssbll! (gulp)  I didnít turn anything on!

      Leela:  As usual.

      Kif:  Well sir, you couldnít possibly have turned on the autopilot then.

      Zapp:  Spare me the mind games, you turncoat.

      Amy (false cheer):  Yíknow, I bet if someone had initially tried to save the ship, we might have had a chance!

      (Everyone looks out the window.  Ground is approaching fast)

      Leela:  Oh, right.

      Zapp:  Weíre gonna crash!  Iím too virile to die!!

      (Amy, now closest to the controls, grabs at them and slows the shipís descent)

      Leela (encouraging):  Thatís it Amy!  Do that heroine thing!

      Amy (turning):  Hey!  Thatís in the past...

      Leela:  No... I meant-

      Amy: AIEEEEEE!

      (Amy shrieks as the ship thwarts her callow efforts to right it.  Impact seems imminent)

      Kif:  Everyone grab onto something firm!  (he grasps a chair tightly)

      (Zapp looks back to Leela, thinks for a second, then gracelessly lunges for her upper torso.  Leela, also taking advantage of the command, seizes Zapp tightly by the throat)

      Leela:  Nice try.

      (She smirks, quite pleased with herself.  Subsequently, the ship finally hits the ground, sending the two unsecured passengers sailing into the windshield.  Zapp absorbs most of Leelaís impact as the windshield cracks, but contains the two.  They slide down the rest of the glass, off a console, and land, entangled, on the floor)

      (The ship skids to a halt. A beat.  Zapp woozily raises his head and opens his eyes just long enough to wink at Leela)

      Zapp:  So, does this bring back any memories, baby?

      Leela (vitriolic):  Maybe the hitting the windshield part...

      Amy (dazed):  Ugh... where are we?

      Kif:  I donít know, the instruments are down; and who knows how far weíve wandered?

      Leela:  What about communication?

      Kif:  Down.  Weíre stranded.

      Leela (looking at her wrist computer):  Great; no ship, no clue where we are, no intelligent life forms on this planet, and no way of getting in touch with anyone-

      Zapp:  You can touch me...

      Leela:  And to top it all off... you.

      Kif (optimistic):  Donít worry; we can all build a shelter, and Iím sure weíll find some food; then we just wait a little while to be rescued...

      (White text appears as the scene changes: One Year Later)

      (Leela lounges on a rudimentary bed, eating some grapes or grape-like fruit.  Zapp stands eagerly next to her.  Amy and Kif frolic like lovers do in the background)

      Zapp:  So I was thinking-

      Leela:  No.

      (White text: Ten Years Later)

      (Same exact positions, everyone looks a bit older)

      Zapp:  How about-

      Leela:  No.

      (White text: Twenty Years Later)

      (Same exact positions, everyone has gone grey)

      Zapp:  Please?

      Leela:  No.

      (White text: Fifty Years Later)

      (Same exact positions, everyone is clearly elderly)

      Zapp:  I think itís been long enough that-

      Leela:  No.

      (White text: Fifty Years Later)

      (Amy and Kif are no longer in the background; Zapp looks in worse shape than Farnsworth)

      Zapp:  Now?

      Leela:  ...

      Zapp (playful):  Last chance to say Ďnoí...

      (Leela, eye open, limbs sprawled, doesnít say or move a thing)

      Zapp: Yes!

      (He gradually pounces on her; the camera shot cranes all the way from the bed to a view of the entire alien planet)

      Announcer: Captivating stuff!  Youíve probably missed an important appointment or phone call while engrossed in these TALES OF INTEREST!

      (commercial break)
      ______________________

      Well, now there may be a slight hiatus until I become creative.  I havenít even officially chosen a direction to go for the next story.  Iíll try to be quick about it.  See you in 1-4 weeks!

      Questions?  Comments?  Critiques?  Have at it!

      EDIT:  Had 'eyes' instead of 'eye' when referring to Leela.  A grievous mistake by me; thanks for catching it, Slacky.
boingo2000

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #379 on: 02-03-2005 21:01 »
« Last Edit on: 02-03-2005 21:01 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Replies:

  • Oingo:  Check this thread more often?  How about come to PEEL more often!  Youíre never around anymore...[/small]
He's got me dead to rights.  Actually, I'm here, I'm just not posting anything (or reading much of what others are posting).  But I'm trying to do better...

 
Quote
Kif: Well, putting all emotions you could feel aside, it means that Iíll be stepping down from my duties. (gulp). Sir, I am respectfully leaving your command on this vessel.

(Zapp takes a minute to let this soak in. He clenches his fists in rage, but any possible intimidation factor is offset by the lone tear in his eye)

Zapp:  But... but... who will wash my clothes, and apply various ointments to not so various parts?

Man!  Right out out the gate and already I'm laughing.  And the single tear... that's poetry, that is.

 
Quote
Zapp:  And who will replace that toothbrush with a fresh one each morning?

Kif:  Um... Iíve never done that, sir.

Ewwwww.

 
Quote
Leela:  Will you shut up?!  You can start doing things for yourself! 

Zapp (Back in character):  Shall I start with you?  (wink)

That may be the most hilariously inappropriate thing I've ever read.

 
Quote
Zapp:  Impossible!  I turned on the autopilot!

Kif:  It doesnít seem so, sir.

Zapp:  Impossible!  Well... then what did I turn on?

Kif:  (sigh) The... uh, waffle iron, sir.

Zapp:  (now eating a waffle)  Mmmpssbll! (gulp)  I didnít turn anything on!

I don't know why, but this segment doesn't work for me.  I know it should be funny, but I'm having trouble picturing it in my mind's eye.  Probably just me.

 
Quote
Leela:  As usual.

I just got that.  Now the exchange works a little bit better.

 
Quote
Leela (encouraging):  Thatís it Amy!  Do that heroine thing!

Amy (turning):  Hey!  Thatís in the past...

So that's how she lost all that weight...

 
Quote
Leela (looking at her wrist computer):  Great; no ship, no clue where we are, no intelligent life forms on this planet, and no way of getting in touch with anyone-

Zapp:  You can touch me...

OK, that may be the most hilariously inappropriate thing I've ever read.  Of couse, I say that so often these days it's lost all meaning.

 
Quote
Announcer: Captivating stuff!  Youíve probably missed an important appointment or phone call while engrossed in these TALES OF INTEREST!

You know, I did.  I was so engrossed  in the hilariousness of it all I missed my cousin's phone call.  Thank God for answering machines.  But what, now you're funny and psychic too?  Jeez, leave some talent for someone else, whydoncha?

Overall, I loved it.  I was afraid toward the end that you'd start ripping off Amazon Women in the Mood, but you side-stepped that nicely (with a necrophelia joke, off all things!).  I anxiously await the next installment.
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #380 on: 02-03-2005 21:22 »
« Last Edit on: 02-03-2005 21:22 »

See, my problem with the cafe scene is, it could probably be all right in a regular episode script, but the pace is really rushed in an AOI, so when you have a longish stretch of exposition that's light on the funny, it stands out.
     
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Leela (encouraging):  Thatís it Amy!  Do that heroine thing!

Amy (turning):  Hey!  Thatís in the past...
Hee! So that's how she lost all the weight... Damn you, Boingo! I challenge you to a duel! Machetes at high noon! Seriously, I had that same joke all ready, then I went and clicked that little "10" link at the bottom of the reply screen to check if anyone said something while I was typing, and now I'm stuck reformatting my whole post and pouting. Damn everything!
     
Quote
Kif:  (sigh) The... uh, waffle iron, sir.

Zapp:  (now eating a waffle)  Mmmpssbll! (gulp)  I didnít turn anything on!

Leela:  As usual.
Glahahahaha! Unlike my new worst enemy Boingo (nah, it's cool, let's go try to read each other's minds over tea and crumpets or something--as soon as I learn what a crumpet is...), I really liked that exchange. The waffle iron thing was funny, then it was funny that he made the best of the bad situation and had a waffle. Also, that may have been my favorite double entendre in the section. I love it when Leela gets all nasty.

     
Quote
(Leela, eyes open, limbs sprawled, doesnít say or move a thing)

Zapp: Yes!

(He gradually pounces on her; the camera shot cranes all the way from the bed to a view of the entire alien planet)
Oh, good lord, that's funny. All stories should end with necrophilia jokes. Also, I dug the fact that you stuck "gradually" in there, 'cause he's old and all that. Nice touch.

No nitpicks this time, other than that week old coffee shop stuff.

Well, okay, one, but it's dumb even by my standards.
     
Quote
it means that Iíll be stepping down from my duties. (gulp).
Should there be a period after the gulp?

Yeah, I know, I'll go sit in the corner. And plot my sweet, sweet revenge on Boingo. Oh, sure, it's all tea and crumpets now, but one day, when he least expects it... Bam! English muffins! *chuckles evilly* That'll show 'im.
SlackJawedMoron

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #381 on: 02-03-2005 21:23 »
« Last Edit on: 02-03-2005 21:23 »

Fan-bloody-tastic.

No one writes Zap like you do, Bergey (besides, you know, the show's actual writers).

 
Quote
Zapp: What is it, lackey?

Just...   laff

 
Quote
Leela (encouraging): Thatís it Amy! Do that heroine thing!

Amy (turning): Hey! Thatís in the past...

... oh no. Oh God no.

 
Quote
(Leela, eyes open, limbs sprawled, doesnít say or move a thing)

Zapp: Yes!

Firstly, ew, and secondly, eyes?   tongue

Bah, I'm not going to try a shot by shot review of it, it's all good.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #382 on: 02-03-2005 21:42 »

eeeeeeeewwwwww necrophilia! Poor Leela, all dead and can't defend herself.

But i digress. This was hysterical. Loved it. Can't wait for the next one. And here's hoping for a great scene featuring leela's reaction to watching necrophilia! I know i'd react!
Kloudes

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #383 on: 02-05-2005 01:47 »

John is good,
John is great.
I'll have John
On a plate.

I'm a writer too!  And yes, you can all thank me for the pants line.  But everything else is developed in that mastermind called Bergie.

Use the "everyone dies because they didn't meet each other" scenario. I think it could be really good.
Charles RB

Crustacean
*
« Reply #384 on: 02-05-2005 22:35 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:

(White text: Twenty Years Later)

(Same exact positions, everyone has gone grey)

Zapp:  Please?

Leela:  No.

This whole sequence rocks.  big grin (Well, except for the end to it. Ick!) You've got Zap down to a T, especially with the "What's-Her-Chest" line.
Layla50

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #385 on: 02-06-2005 17:22 »


Let me be the first to say (well, probably not) I told you so... uh, I mean, congratulations for the landslide victory oh king of fanfic! It was completely deserved and I was thrilled to see you get it! (Now, I'm gonna go cry... kidding!) smile Thanks for explaining the reference, I didn't know it was a name, and I didn't know how to pronounce it.
I don't know about everyone else but I think it takes quite a bit of creative spark to end a segment with necrophillia. I am reasonably certain that I will never go that far. I tip my hat to you, sir!

On to the story at last!
It's been said on more than one occasion, but you really do capture the essence of Zapp when you write him. I'll go farther to say that his relationship with Kif, and Leela, and other people in general is simply fantastic and a joy to read.

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:

(Zapp takes a minute to let this soak in.  He clenches his fists in rage, but any possible intimidation factor is offset by the lone tear in his eye)

Zapp:  But... but... who will wash my clothes, and apply various ointments to not so various parts?

Case in point. That is just beautiful. Boy, did I laugh! Actually, I laughed all the way through. Artistic in style as well.

 
Quote
Zapp (Back in character):  Shall I start with you?  (wink)

Leela:  Not if you want to be breathing for yourself.


Whooo! You go girl! Uh, I'm talking to Leela. 

 
Quote
Zapp:  Impossible!  Well... then what did I turn on?

Kif:  (sigh) The... uh, waffle iron, sir.

Zapp:  (now eating a waffle)  Mmmpssbll! (gulp)  I didnít turn anything on!
Nice touch with Zapp eating the waffle, almost Gorky-an humour there. (And you know that's a good thing.)(Yeesh, I sound like Martha)

 
Quote
Amy (false cheer):  Yíknow, I bet if someone had initially tried to save the ship, we might have had a chance!


Perfect Amy line. I can picture this and I would have loved to have seen it on the show.

 
Quote
Zapp:  Weíre gonna crash!  Iím too virile to die!!

You deserve the PEELie just for putting the word 'virile' in Zapp's mouth.

The heroine play on words is so like you and utterly charming. Also, hooray for the word 'callow'. It's lovely.  love Have a lovey face. You've earned it!

(Amy, now closest to the controls, grabs at them and slows the shipís descent)
 
Quote
(Zapp looks back to Leela, thinks for a second, then gracelessly lunges for her upper torso.  Leela, also taking advantage of the command, seizes Zapp tightly by the throat)

Leela:  Nice try.
laff
Ah, that is just so very awesome!! They could have ended the show like that and I wouldn't really have minded.
 
Quote
(The ship skids to a halt. A beat.  Zapp woozily raises his head and opens his eyes just long enough to wink at Leela)


It is a gift when you can write descriptions that are every bit as funny as the dialogue. Superb!

Ooh, and vitriolic! You're just stretching all our vocabularies today aren't you. A comedy writer who does that! On a regular basis! (If Kloudes and Venus didn't already have you, I'd be proposing. Of course, I wouldn't want to make my own dear PEELentines' (Nerd-o-rama and Futurama Nerd) jealous.
 
Quote
Leela:  And to top it all off... you.

:rotfl:

Kif (optimistic):  Donít worry; we can all build a shelter, and Iím sure weíll find some food; then we just wait a little while to be rescued...

Oh, I can hear the sweet optimistism in his quiet little voice. Poor baby. Awesome set up for the ending. I'm still laughing.

And after the necrophillia, what a great capper:
 
Quote
Announcer: Captivating stuff!  Youíve probably missed an important appointment or phone call while engrossed in these TALES OF INTEREST!

 love So, if I can swipe a nice diamond...
Gorky

Space Pope
****
« Reply #386 on: 02-07-2005 20:01 »

Dang...I wanted to get a chance to review this latest part before Layla, because she insists on rubbing her obvious superiority in my face, not only on the fic writing front (Congrats on the PEELie, by the way, Bergey!), but on the review writing font, as well. Stupid Layla, born with that thing called talent... ( wink)

And, judging by this last part, you were born with that thing called talent as well, JBERGES. There's nothing much to add to what everyone else has said, but there is a lot of stuff to agree on and then take credit for drawing attention to later. These bits are as follows...

 
Quote
Zapp: Impossible! Well... then what did I turn on?
Kif: (sigh) The... uh, waffle iron, sir.

Zapp: (now eating a waffle) Mmmpssbll! (gulp) I didnít turn anything on!

Now, I'm not one of those people that actually laughs out loud at things all that much, but this was funny, man! Not only do I just find the choice of a waffle iron funny, but the fact that Zapp is eating one of the waffles just adds to the brilliance of that. Kudos! (And, on a totally unrelated, self-centered note, I have to 1.) thank Layla for introducing the work Gorky-an into my vocabulary (and paying me a sweet, albeit totally undeserved compliment in some other, much more brilliant guy's thread) and 2.) say that, when I write stange, totally offhand stuff like that, I'm just imitating Bergey).

Anyway, everything else mentioned by Layla was pure goodness, and I'm going to use this as an opportunity to tell you how great you write the Zapper (Zapp saying virile: I agree with Layla that you deserve a PEELie for that alone...great stuff, man).

So, what more is there to say? Um...congratulations again on the PEELie, and I'm eagerly awaiting more, as always.


 
M0le

Space Pope
****
« Reply #387 on: 02-07-2005 23:04 »

Loved the waffle iron bit, and the TALES OF INTEREST Narrator segment. Everything else was great, but those two moments really stuck out.  big grin
j_ohanley

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #388 on: 02-10-2005 21:23 »

Cheers, JBERGES. Your fourth story was my overall least favorite (notice how I don't say worst, but least good), but you're back in top form here, in my opinion.

The great thing about your stories is that they are structured and written like genuine episodes of the show. The sight gags are spot on, and the lines seemed to be written specifically to the voice actor's respective deliveries. Here's the true mark of your writing; Once, I quoted your "The Professor has had a stroke!" line to some fellow Futurama fans. They all laughed with much gusto, and then asked me which episode it was from. Not wanting to admit I had been reading internet fanfictions on a Futurama message board, I said "I was hoping you could tell me."

And honestly, you write puns so well, you could singlehandedly revive Leslie Nielson's career.
Fryīs Lady

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #389 on: 02-12-2005 10:02 »

Whoa they're nice! They sound like a REAL episode  smile
AsaB

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #390 on: 02-13-2005 13:52 »

Hilarious. That was worth the wait! I can't get enough of the way you write Zapp, it's top notch. I think I get it. Maybe you're actually one of the Futurama writers in disguise! Huh? Are you? Ken Keeler, is that you?

*cough* Nevermind. I await your next installment eagerly, whenever that'll be. And I promise I won't poke you again.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #391 on: 02-21-2005 20:47 »
« Last Edit on: 02-21-2005 20:47 »

Belated replies for all.  I just didnít feel like bumping the thread until I had something to post:

boingo2000:  True to your word, you were first to reply.  Very awesome.  I canít explain to you just how amused I was by the fact that you actually missed a phone call.  Simply wonderful.  Hope you catch this update, seeing as I havenít seen you post in a while.

Tongue Luck:  Glad you liked the waffle iron bit. I wrote that whole Zapp/ship crash section before I wrote anything else in the story.  Itís what got me up and writing again.  Your detailed reviews are always appreciated.

Slacky:  Somehow I knew that pun would get to you.  Possibly because it was the best/worst one Iíve come up with in a while.   Thank you for your input on Zapp, itís good to know Iím keeping him up to par.

Venus:  Well, I tried for a scene with Leelaís reaction; donít know if itís good or not.  Thanks for always reading.

Kloudes:  You know very well that you could write great fanfiction if you wanted to... stop pretending you couldnít.

Charles RB:  Thanks, and welcome to PEEL.

Layla50:  From one busy writer to another, donít let all that spamming for you to write more get to you.  Take your time; school comes first, right?       tongue  Good to know you appreciate a good pun, and that you liked Zapp grabbing at Leelaís chest.  That was my favorite joke.  Also, you flatter me too much...

Gorky:  Now, the choice of ďwaffle ironĒ is worth mentioning again.  Itís the reason I asked you how you came up something so randomly funny in your thread.  I systematically went through all electrical appliances until I came across the one that I thought would be the most ludicrously amusing.  It took some time...

M0le:  I need another synonym for Ďthanks,í because Iím using it too much.  Uh... much gratitude and acknowledgment for reading and replying.  Also, credit and regard.


j_ohanley:  I thought you were gone forever!  Thanks for popping up again!  That is so great that you used a line I wrote and made your friends laugh.  More people should do that, because it- hey... how did you know I like Leslie Nielson?!

Fry's Lady: I always appreciate a new reader.

AsaB: Ken Keeler?  Nah... Though El Zilcho said I was Patric Verrone once.  Iím filled with such elation that people would compare me to these great writers, but also filled with sorrow that Iím dorky enough to admire writers for a Sci-Fi cartoon show so much.  Youíre another one slowing down your fan-output due to school, but keep at it!  PS: I think I can deal with a simple poke for an update while ravenous aficionados beat Layla with loaves of stale French bread until she updates.


OK, good news and bad news...uh.... everyone.  Good News:  This is the entire second act.  Itís a bit short for an act, but itís still basically a double update.  Bad news; it is definitely not as funny as the previous segment.  I still think itís  enjoyable, sort of a different style and pacing than my usual work, but just not laugh out loud funny.  It was fun to write, though, so I hope you guys find it enjoyable too:

____________________________
Parts 3 and 4

(Cut back to the Planet Express Building.  Camera focuses primarily on Amy and Leela, the closest two to the screen. Amyís face is filled with ardor, while Leelaís looks not only like she has seen a ghost, but like said ghost just called her fat)

Amy (blissful) : Aww... he really will love me forever!  Isnít that great Leela?

(Amy turns to Leela, who is completely irresponsive. A beat.  Leela snaps out of her trance just in time to find herself clamping her hands over her mouth. She sprints out of the room, nearly gagging)

Amy (equally blissful):  So, whoís next?!

Farnsworth:  Well, if we follow the current trend, alphabetically from A to Zoidberg...

Zoidberg:  Aww...

Farnsworth:  It appears to be Fryís turn.

Hermes: What?!  Dat doesnít even-

Farnsworth:  Donít argue with me, Hermes Conrad, Iím old!

(A pause)

Bender (surprised):  Heís right!

Farnsworth:  Go ahead, Fry.

Fry:  Great, because I have a good one.  You guys are all I have here, and I usually think of us as more of a family than a group of workers.  I love each of you as much as the next. My question is this; (He walks up to the What-If Machine, and clears his throat):  What if I never met my best friends Leela and Bender in the future?

(The Professor inserts the screwdriver into a screw on the side of the machine, turns it once, then pushes "forcibly" down on it, whereon it reacts as a slot machine lever would.  A spinning blur of colors speeds up and the whir of reels is heard.  As the picture focuses slowly, we are able to discern Fry. He is in the Cryogenics Lab.  Terry and Lou lead him to an office at the end of a hallway)

Lou: Have a nice future.

(The door slides open)

Fry: Cool! Just like in Star Trek! (He giddily walks through)

(Fry enters the office, and spies someone bent over, possibly tying their shoe, behind the desk; only a shapely rear-end is visible)

Fry: (same pleased grunt as in SP3K)

(The person stands up and faces Fry)

Ipgee: Good afternoon.

Fry: (same shocked retch of disgust as in SP3K)

Ipgee: Name?

Fry: Uh, Fry.

Ipgee: I am Ipgee. OK then, enough mindless banter. You need a fate faster than Leela needs a date.

Fry: Huh?

Ipgee: I assure you, Mr. Fry, My childish joke to myself is of no importance to you.

Fry:  OK...uh... (He sheepishly looks away, and catches the sight of something outside the window) 

Fry: Wait a minute! Is that blimp accurate?

Ipgee:  Most blimps are these days.  The date is December 31st 2999.

Fry (shocked): My God, a thousand years!

Ipgee: Yes, that is what you probably set the dial for when you froze yourself.  You are regretting it now?

Fry: Well, thatís not really what happened... but actually I'm glad it did. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was-

Ipgee:  Yes yes, letís get probing already.  (He grabs Fry by the collar and starts to drag him away)

(Time lapse to the assignment room.  Ipgee carefully types something on a computer)

Ipgee:  Well, that was surely most unpleasant for both of us. I apologize, but I rarely touch those controls; itís not my job.

Fry (Rubbing his bum):  Uh... thatís OK I guess.  Iím just glad I finally have a fresh start in life.  Thereís nothing stopping me now! 

(A buzzer sounds)

Fry:  What was that?

Ipgee: Your permanent career assignment seems to be ready.

(He turns the screen, "Career: Delivery Boy" is written on it)

Fry: Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please! Anything else!

Ipgee: You've been assigned the job you're best at, just like everyone else. Everyone does the one job they are destined to do.

Fry: Then why did you say the controls werenít your job?

Ipgee:  Yes, I suppose this is not really the best example of how our society works.    I sent the woman who usually works here to pick up dinner for our department.  Itís much faster than ordering delivery food.  (A beat.  He looks Fry up and down.)  Hopefully you can work on that.  However, I forgot someone might thaw out, and am therefore rightly covering for her until she returns.

Fry:  Is picking up food part of her destiny job?

Ipgee: No, it... (he boils-over) Stop asking sensible questions and let me stab you with this career designation gun!

(He picks up the career chip gun, and lunges at Fry, who dodges)

Fry: Keep that thing away from me!

(He gets up and runs out of the room)

(Cut to:  Fry, bursting out of the buildingís front door.  He sprints down the street, head on a pivot, trying to comprehend the sights around him.  Realizing he has a bit of a lead, he ducks behind a corner, where he spies a transport tube)

Man at Tube:  Plasma Hotel.  (He is sucked up as Fry reaches the tube)

Fry:  Cool!  Uh... Cross-town express?

(Ipgee, finally catching up, blindsides Fry from off camera, but is unable to deploy his device as both men are sucked up into the vacuum cylinder.  What follows is an invariable ballet of close-quarters shuffling and wrestling, as the two dart past a few of the sights Fry passed in SP3K.  Fry screams throughout, but thereís a twinge of elation in his horror)

(Cut to:  The end of the line.  Ipgee and Fry are shot out of the tube and into a nearby brick wall.  Fry rubs his head as he staggers to his feet, and then gains a stride again.  Ipgee lags behind, for the impact has caused him to drop the implant gun.  He quickly picks it up and runs his hand over the dented exterior, then continues in pursuit)

(Cut to:  Fry, sprinting for his life.  He checks to look behind him, and runs smack into a taxi which has inconveniently run up onto the sidewalk.  Rebounding off of it, he pauses to gape into the back window, then turns, bolting into the front door of a building to his right.  Igpee follows, gaining ground as Fry hits the main staircase running)

(Cut to several flights up: Fry spots his chance in a strategically placed cart loaded with office supplies.  He swiftly knocks it down the stairs at the charging Igpee, who in a sudden display of coordination, dodges it.  Fry goes through the nearest door but finds it to be a dead end.  Giving up, he cowers in fear as Ipgee seizes his hand, and pulls the trigger)

*Beep Beep Beep*

Fry (Still cringed):  Is it over?

Ipgee (frightened):  Ohhh no.

Fry:  What is it?

(The beeping intensifies, and the device begins to rattle in Igpeeís hand)

Ipgee:  I have read about this before, this thing is broken in the worst way possible.

(The beeping becomes a steady, loud buzz; Ipgee is clearly losing his grip, and is fighting with the gun like it was an out of control fire-hose)

Fry (staring at the broken gun):  What does that mean?

Igpee (oddly calm):  It means pick a God and start praying! (He closes his eyes)

(The camera turns away from the two men as the high pitched buzz crescendos.  The machine subsequently can be heard discharging in a series or frantic and sickening ďThunksĒ)

Fry/Ipgee (as screen fades):  Ow!  Oooch!  Eep!  Hey!  Ow!  Not the- AHHH!  I was planning on using that! Stop!  Ack!  Ow, my aorta! No! Right through the- ARRRRGGH!

(The camera fades fully to a blur, and re-sharpens on a close up of Leela, trademark scowl on her face)

Leela:  I mean itís just the principle of the thing.  We have people who are designated to bring food to people with more important jobs.  Why do I have to be belittled by trekking back and forth across town?

(Camera pans out; Leela is in the backseat of a cab, complaining to the driver as it speeds along ground level traffic)

Sal:  Whatís belittliní abouts it?  Whatís belittliní is the systems wes got. I drives a cab, but I also dos other things my career chip donít specifies.

Leela:  I could report you for that.

Sal (unimpressed):  But you woníts.

Leela:  (sigh)  Yeah...

(She dispiritedly looks out the window, and to her surprise, sees a familiar man chasing another, not-so-familiar man up ahead)

Leela (alert):  A runner?!  Cabbie, cut off that red-head!

Sal:  Anythings for yous, doll face.

(He audaciously turns sharply, skipping the taxi up onto the sidewalk.  The seemingly oblivious red-head runs straight into the cabís back door.  He pauses a moment to rudely gawk at Leelaís eye before changing direction and running into a nearby building)

Leela:  Thatís it, now itís personal!

(Leela tries the door, but finds it locked. Meanwhile, Ipgee dashes by just outside)

Sal:  Pays up.

(Cut to: The outside of the cab, Leela exits the car, ditches the two bags of food on the street, and rushes into the now closing front door)

(Cut to Leela, loping up the stairs.  She is on her wrist communicator)

Leela:  Officer 1BDI, requesting backup!

Smitty:  Weíll be there in 5... to 60 minutes!

Leela (to herself; self pity):  Idiots. This is just what I need on New Years Eve.  All I wanted was an uneventful day with Ėoof!

(Leela is struck by a wheeled cart loaded with office supplies. She is carried several steps down, where the entire ensemble crashes through a glass window.  A nauseating crunch is heard below)

(The camera again fades to a blur, and re-sharpens on a shot of Bender, impatiently waiting in a line of people)

Bender:  Címon people!  Even in death youíre irritating me! (He taps his foot cuff)

(The suicide booth zaps someone, Bender steps up to the door)

Bender:  Well, I guess no oneís here to stop me... so...

(He enters the booth.  There is a pause)

Bender (Loud, yet muffled):  Slow and horrible, baby!  Bring it on!  Wooooh!

(Buzzing, clanking, and sawing are heard resounding from the booth.  Then silence.  The door opens, and a slightly dilapidated Bender emerges)

Bender (weakly)  Lousy piece of junk... humans must be really easy to kill.

(A beat.  He stands up straight)

Bender (profound):  Thatís it!  I shall start a new life.  All of mankind has depressed me by forcing me to build suicide booths, and now they will, I mean shall, suffer! All shall fear me, and I shall be known as... Super K-  ouch! (He is crushed by a falling woman and a wheeled cart loaded with office supplies.  Another pause. The pile of debris doesnít stir) 

(Sal walks by.  He has two bags of food in his hands)

Sal: Super Couch?  Thatís not too goods of a name...  (He laughs and walks away) 

(The pile spontaneously combusts)

Announcer: Needlessly violent!  Where else will you see your favorite characters die than in this, and possibly other TALES OF INTEREST?!
________________

Well, please tell me what you think.  Iíll always accept criticism if youíve got it.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #392 on: 02-21-2005 22:04 »

I'm still taken aback by boingo's distaste for the waffle joke.  "Waffle" is one of the funniest words in the English language (tied, perhaps with "weasel" ), and the setup and delivery were flawless.

I noticed 3/4 is much more action-oriented, which is cool.  It's also an interesting, well thought out look at the origins of a much less interesting show.  The Super King reference seemed a little forced, but they were otherwise Grade-A.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #393 on: 02-21-2005 22:06 »

...Everybody died?...Everybody died! Just like a normal AOI! Yay for continuity!

Loved Leela's reaction to necrophilia. If it were me my reaction would have been very similar, but with more twitching. Loved how you described her expression as having a ghost call her fat. I can't wait for the next act!
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #394 on: 02-21-2005 23:20 »
« Last Edit on: 02-21-2005 23:20 »

   
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:

Leelaís looks not only like she has seen a ghost, but like said ghost just called her fat
Right out the gate, I'm laughing. It's funny enough on its own, but extra funny since it made me imagine a ghost that has dedicated its whole afterlife to making women feel bad about their bodies. Move over, Casper!   
Quote
Farnsworth:  Well, if we follow the current trend, alphabetically from A to Zoidberg...

Zoidberg:  Aww...

Farnsworth:  It appears to be Fryís turn.

Hermes: What?!  Dat doesnít even-

Farnsworth:  Donít argue with me, Hermes Conrad, Iím old!

(A pause)

Bender (surprised):  Heís right!
Ha! From A to Zoidberg reminds me of those multivitamins with everything from A to Zinc.  Not sure where I'm going with this... Right. Classic, that whole bit. In fact, I'll bet you're actually Eric Kaplan! C'mon, guys, let's invoke all the writers!   
Quote
Ipgee: Good afternoon.

Fry: (same shocked retch of disgust as in SP3K)
Heh heh.   
Quote
Ipgee:  Most blimps are these days.
Haven't quite figured out why I found that funny, but I did. Also, I'm not sure what to make of Fry getting the amount of years correct this time.   
Quote
Itís much faster than ordering delivery food.  (A beat.  He looks Fry up and down.)  Hopefully you can work on that.
I really liked that.
   
Quote
(The camera turns away from the two men as the high pitched buzz crescendos.  The machine subsequently can be heard discharging in a series or frantic and sickening ďThunksĒ)
First, good use of the word "crescendos", 'cause I love that word. Second, bad use of the word "or", 'cause it should be "of".   
Quote
Sal:  Whatís belittliní abouts it?  Whatís belittliní is the systems wes got. I drives a cab, but I also dos other things my career chip donít specifies.
So... Sal's trillion careers are, like, social protest? Neat!

   
Quote
Leela (alert):  A runner?!
Great! The career chips always were reminiscent of Logan's Run. That line makes me nerd happy. Unless it was unintentional and I'm reading too much into it. Then I'll be nerd sad.

   
Quote
Smitty:  Weíll be there in 5... to 60 minutes!
Funny by itself and funny as a twist on the actual line.   
Quote
Bender:  Well, I guess no oneís here to stop me... so...
Heh. Lines like that, where the characters almost know too much, always make me smile.   
Quote
(The pile spontaneously combusts)
Awesome. If there's one thing funnier than necrophilia, it's got to be spontaneous combustion.   
Quote
Announcer: Needlessly violent!  Where else will you see your favorite characters die than in this, and possibly other TALES OF INTEREST?!
Hee! I liked that announcer bit better than the first one. Just personal preference, I think.

Overall, yes, less funny than the previous part (I'd wager the real world interlude at the start had the highest laugh per line ratio of the section), but still enjoyable. I dug the way their fates all smashed together. And I also kind of like that you didn't show the stuff leading up to Fry getting frozen, as that's approaching Homer-Simpson-falling-off-the-gorge Land, only with more mythos.
Philp_J_Fry

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #395 on: 02-21-2005 23:44 »

Wow,great work JBERGES

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Most blimps are these days. The date is December 31st 2999.

I really like how you used the line from the actual show and added to them.

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Ipgee: I am Ipgee. OK then, enough mindless banter. You need a fate faster than Leela needs a date.

Heeh, great line, made me laugh out loud

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Fry: Well, thatís not really what happened... but actually I'm glad it did. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was-

Ipgee: Yes yes, letís get probing already. (He grabs Fry by the collar and starts to drag him away)

I found this line hilarious for no good reason...or if I wrote like Fry I would've have said 'for no good raisin'


 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Announcer: Needlessly violent! Where else will you see your favorite characters die than in this, and possibly other TALES OF INTEREST?!

 laff I always find that Announcer funny.Anyhow, great work I thought it was good enough to be a real What if episode. Keep it up.  big grin
say what now

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #396 on: 02-22-2005 00:44 »

Yay!!! More Tales of Interest!!

First of all, what are you talking about? I laughed at loud... really. At the beginning I laughed at loud at the description of a ghost calling Leela fat. I laughed a lot, actually. It was funny. Same goes for the "You need a fate faster than Leela needs a date" line.

I do see what you mean though. The other part was funnier, but this part was still funny... just in a different sense. Like the subtle kind of funny that makes you smile and admire the wittiness of the jokes. I don't really know how to explain it, but Futurama had a lot of that in it, so obviously you're doing some good stuff here! (Though like I said before, I did laugh out loud at some of the lines).

Oh, and I also liked how you structured the whole thing. At first I thought it was only going to focus on Fry and what happens with him, but it was nice seeing what happened to everybody else too and how even though Fry didn't meet them, they still kinda got tied up with each other. Does that make any sense? My words aren't cooperating with me.

Anyway, great work! I lurrrve it!
M0le

Space Pope
****
« Reply #397 on: 02-22-2005 01:35 »

They all died. I don't know what to say.  wink
SlackJawedMoron

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #398 on: 02-22-2005 05:45 »

Oh! Oh! You took my idea at your girlfriends insistance! I have his ear! I HAVE HIS EAR!

I really liked this segment. All that action stuff is hard to imagine when your brain is as useless as mine is, but overall, great...

 
Quote
Amyís face is filled with ardor, while Leelaís looks not only like she has seen a ghost, but like said ghost just called her fat)

And he's off! That's fantastic.

 
Quote
Amy (blissful) : Aww... he really will love me forever! Isnít that great Leela?

Ahh, blind self-absorbsion. Wonderful.

 
Quote
Farnsworth: Well, if we follow the current trend, alphabetically from A to Zoidberg...

Zoidberg: Aww...

Yeah! Twist the knife! Twiiiiiiist iiiiiit.

 
Quote
Hermes: What?! Dat doesnít even-

Farnsworth: Donít argue with me, Hermes Conrad, Iím old!

(A pause)

Bender (surprised): Heís right!

I like this joke, buuuuuuuuuut... I liked it better when I saw it on 'Homer the Vigilante.'

Flanders:"Now now, friends, I'm sure someone else could do a better-"

Mob:"Someone else, someone else!"

Homer:"I'm someone else!"

Lenny:"He's right!"

Ah, well. I subconsciously nick jokes all the time.

 
Quote
Fry: (same pleased grunt as in SP3K)

(The person stands up and faces Fry)

Ipgee: Good afternoon.

Fry: (same shocked retch of disgust as in SP3K)

That's great. That's beautiful. I love it.


 
Quote
Ipgee: I am Ipgee. OK then, enough mindless banter. You need a fate faster than Leela needs a date.

Hey, that ryhmes!

 
Quote
Fry (shocked): My God, a thousand years!

Not a million? Is there a joke here I'm missing?


Um... other stuff... loved the death. Loved the interconnectedness of it all (very 'Trilogy of Error'), loved the spontaneuos rubble combustion (but no 'Goodnight, sweet prince?).... it's all good.
M0le

Space Pope
****
« Reply #399 on: 02-22-2005 05:54 »

 
Quote
Mob:"Someone else, someone else!"
Actually it was just Moe. And he said "SOMEONE ELSE!".
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