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Author Topic: "Bender's List", one chapter at a time!  (Read 1668 times)
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Dead Composer
Delivery Boy
« Reply #40 on: 08-28-2006 22:57 »

I checked at TLZ.  They posted my story without text styles or even quotation marks.  In short, it's a mess.  I've complained to them.

Next chapter coming soon.
Dead Composer
Delivery Boy
« Reply #41 on: 08-31-2006 22:28 »

Here's chapter 17.


I’ve never killed a person before, thought Leela, sweat forming above her eye. And I sure as hell never imagined I’d kill for Zapp Brannigan.

Knowing what she had to do, she focused on the part of Krandok’s upper back that would lead to his heart, and swung the cutlass downward. It never reached its target. The last thing Leela sensed was a sharp blow to her chin, and then she blacked out.

Zapp and Krandok looked down at her unconscious form, prostrate on the floor, sword still in hand. “She tried to attack us from behind,” Krandok observed. “She didn’t count on my sensitive ears or my quick reflexes.”

“Indeed,” said his cuffed captive. “The question is, which of us was she trying to kill?”

Krandok knelt down and scooped the cyclops girl into his swarthy arms. “We’ll take her to the lab with us,” he stated. “Once she wakes up, we’ll make her talk.”

Professor Foss was welding a bolt to Delta’s neck when Zapp and Krandok entered the lab. Seeing the unresponsive girl in Krandok’s arms, he abruptly shut off his torch. “Oh, God!” he exclaimed. “Leela! What happened to her?”

“Like a bloody coward, she tried to run us through from behind,” the tall pirate related.

Foss turned to the robot he had just repaired. “Delta, clear off that table and put a sheet over it,” he ordered.

“Yes, master,” said Delta flatly. While she diligently removed items from one table to another, Foss examined the bruise on Leela’s chin.

“I should have known it would come to this,” he said darkly.

“What mean ye?” said Krandok as he stretched Leela out over the table.

“When I was in the matrix with her, I tried to gauge her feelings toward Captain Brannigan,” said Foss. “The hatred was so intense, I had to turn away. Maybe I should have warned you, but I couldn’t imagine that a pretty thing like her would go so far as to commit murder.”

Zapp marveled at the scientist’s statement as Krandok forced him to take a seat in the Fossitron. “I can’t imagine it either. Sure, there were times I came on too strong, but I always meant well.” He shook his head as the helmet descended upon it. “If I’d known she had such a violent temperament, I…I would’ve sent her a postcard every week, and left it at that.”

A moment later, Balalaika returned to the laboratory doorway and beamed with pleasure at the sight of Zapp attached to the professor’s device. “Excellent,” he said simply.

“The Fossitron’s ready when you are, sir,” Foss told him.

“Ah, the man himself,” said Zapp as he watched Balalaika stride eagerly toward him.

Leela slipped in and out of consciousness. She heard the clip-clip of Delta’s feet as she puttered about, cleaning and organizing Foss’ various gadgets. She heard the whine of the Fossitron helmet as it made its way over Balalaika’s straggly hair. She heard the professor’s worried breaths as he tenderly ran his fingers over her cheek. She had no idea what it all meant.

Zapp was equally clueless about the strange domain into which he had been thrown. He saw nothing but dark, menacing clouds, even under his feet. A figure in pirate garb approached him, and proved to be Balalaika himself.

“Where am I now?” Zapp asked the pirate captain.

“Hell, me friend,” was Balalaika’s reply. “This be hell, and I be the devil.”

Zapp folded his arms and grinned smugly. “I knew that sooner or later you’d try to steal strategic secrets from me using your virtual reality whatsit. But when it comes down to my mind versus your mind, I have the upper hand. You’ll never break through my mental conditioning.”

“Yarrr,” said Balalaika calmly. “Yer secrets will be mine, and yer loyalty as well.”

“Not gonna happen,” said Zapp. “You may as well kill me now.”

“Narrr,” said Balalaika, stepping closer. “’Tis not I that shall kill thee, but the other way around.”

While Zapp tried to make sense of his words, his dour surroundings reshaped themselves into the deck of a space shuttle. He looked around and beheld panicked passengers in every aisle, crying with fear as sword-bearing cutthroats compelled them to give up their belongings.

Balalaika drew a cutlass from his belt and tossed it to Zapp, who deftly caught it. The pirate then magically pulled another cutlass from the same sheath. “Their fate be in yer hands,” he told Zapp. “Kill me, and they live.”

“Whatever game you have in mind,” said Zapp as he stepped aside for a pirate to pass, “I won’t play it. Now get me out of here.”

Balalaika responded by raising his sword, aiming it at a small, terrified boy in one of the seats, and chopping off the youngster’s head with one thrust.

Horrified, Zapp covered his eyes with his hand. “It’s not real!” he shouted in disgust. “It’s an illusion!”

“Help us, Captain Brannigan!” he heard a woman squeal. There was a piercing scream, a slight gurgle, and then silence.

Zapp looked through two of his fingers. Balalaika was holding his blade to a little girl’s throat with one hand, suspending her by her long golden hair with the other hand, and gloating with his face. “Kill me, ye lily-livered swab!” he called out mockingly. “Kill me, or watch ‘em all die horribly!”

Tears of despair burst out of Zapp’s eyes. “It’s not real…it’s not real…” he muttered, but the cries of fear and pain would not be muffled. He was involuntarily reminded of the massacre on Antares II, which he and Kif had arrived too late to prevent. Bodies everywhere…dead children laid next to their dead mothers…if only we’d come sooner…

“Captain Brannigan, do something! They’ll kill us all!”

A surge of anger and resentment passed through Zapp’s heart. I won’t let it happen again, he thought. Never again…

Without thinking, he hoisted the cutlass skyward, flew at Balalaika with an unearthly roar, and skewered the pirate from head to crotch.

Zapp panted. His heart thumped fiercely. The remains of his foe were nowhere to be seen. That was a little too easy, he thought. I don’t think he’s really gone. Felt good, though.

“Thank you, Captain Brannigan,” gushed a teenage girl. “You’re my hero.”

The scene changed, and he was aboard a small cargo ship, zooming over the towers of a large city. He could hear nothing but a klaxon bell and the confused cries of men and women. In front of him, three armed cutthroats confronted a four-armed alien guard. “Hand over the gold or we’ll bathe ourselves in yer blood,” demanded one of the pirates, who was unmistakably Balalaika.

Indignation once again rose up in Zapp’s soul. “All right,” he said, gripping his sword and marching forward, “I can keep doing this as long as you can.”

Which apparently wasn’t long, for when Leela awoke and sat up, she saw with her blurred vision that the Fossitron was empty.

“Oh…my head,” she moaned. “I feel like I tried to apply makeup with a jackhammer.”

“Good to have you back, Leela,” said Foss. The professor’s expression indicated a complete lack of malice. “You’ll be happy to know that Delta’s in perfect working order. She was a little frantic after I reattached her head, so I had to put a restraining bolt on her.”

“Why am I still alive?” asked Leela as she swung her legs around. “Krandok should’ve killed me after what I did.”

“I convinced him you were actually trying to kill Captain Brannigan,” Foss told her.

Leela leaped to the floor, then gave the scientist a quizzical look. “Why are you protecting me?” she demanded to know.

“Come into the matrix with me, and I’ll tell you,” offered Foss.

As Leela allowed the helmet to cover her head, the throbbing pain vanished. She felt grass underneath her feet, and saw rolling plains covered with wildflowers in every direction. The sky was cloudless, and the sun shone warmly. It’s even more beautiful than real life, she thought.

Foss materialized a few feet away. “Here we are,” he said, his face giving off a peaceful glow. “Now, what was your question again?”

“Yes,” said Leela. “The question. You know I came here to rescue Zapp. You know I tried to kill Krandok. Yet you’re hiding this from your captain. Why?”

Foss stepped forward and took the cyclops gently by the hand.

“Haven’t you guessed?” he said. “I love you, Leela.”


To be continued

Liquid Emperor
« Reply #42 on: 08-31-2006 22:43 »

Eeeps! Cliffhangers!

DOOP Secretary
« Reply #43 on: 09-01-2006 08:27 »

Foss sounds like a neutral. Neutral neutrals...

Well actually, if you think about what he said earlier, he kinda is. You know, the whole good and evil choice and power and lack thereof. But suprisingly, you've built a relationship between Leela and a non-canon character very, very well. (Or at least, what you've done so far has been led in a perfect manner for any in-character course of action you choose to take next.) I can indeed see this as an actual movie/extended episode. The whole parodied manner of the plot if very 'Futurama'. Speaking of which, I just found a Kurt Vonnegut reference in WITHW. I couldn't stop laughing for fifteen seconds...

Also, Zapp acting heroic is actually done in a very realistic (for 'Futurama') manner, especially since we can hear what he's thinking. I mean, sure he's a conceited sex-obsessed single-minded thing I will not mention, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have some compassion. Even Bender has compassion. (Read this.) And besides, when he does fight back, he does so in such a disorganized and irrational manner. Perfectly executed, perfect!

I hope to have my next (actually, my first serious) prose fic posted soon. I you wish, you can read a preview here. (Please!  big grin )

Dead Composer
Delivery Boy
« Reply #44 on: 09-02-2006 11:40 »

Thanks for the comments, KitKat and Xanfor.  Here's chapter 18.


Foss’ pronouncement almost made Leela jump out of her skin. He loves me? she marveled. But I just met him, and he’s my enemy!

The scientist began to caress Leela’s fingers with his other hand. “I loved you from the moment I first saw you,” he confided. “You have an inner strength that’s missing in other women. It radiates from you.”

Leela withdrew her hand as politely as she could. “I don’t have time for this,” she told Foss.

“Please, Leela,” said the professor, sinking to his knees in the grass. “You and me. Consider it.”

“Perhaps the next time we meet,” said the cyclops. “Right now, I need to focus on rescuing Zapp and getting the hell out of here.”

Rising again, Foss brushed the dirt and grass from his smock. “I’m willing to help you with that,” he said, “but I want something in return.”

“What?” said Leela.

Foss took a deep breath. “Make love to me,” he pleaded. “Right here, in the matrix. There’ll be no repercussions in the real world.”

Leela’s jaw dropped. She started to back away.

“Not only will I help you rescue Captain Brannigan,” said Foss earnestly, “I’ll also come with you and turn myself in to the Earth authorities. I’ll pay the price for my crimes. You won’t have to visit me in prison if you don’t want to.”

It’s a generous offer, thought Leela. And, to tell the truth, I can’t see any way to save Zapp without his help. But can I trust him to keep up his end of the bargain?

“Think about it,” said Foss. “But don’t take too long. An attack force from Earth is on its way.”

Leela stopped and bowed her head. He claims to love me, yet he’s blocking his thoughts from me. If I refuse, he’s sure to turn me over to Balalaika. If I accept, and he gets what he wants, he may turn me over anyway. It’s a no-win scenario. At least if I refuse, I’ll die with my dignity intact.

Seconds dragged on like hours as she pondered the matter. Foss stood patiently, motionlessly. A gentle breeze stirred the poppies.

Finally she faced him. “All right, Foss,” she agreed. “I’ll make love to you, here in the matrix. But first, I’d like to slip into someone more comfortable.”

She closed her eyes tightly. As Foss watched expectantly, both Leela and the grassy prairie began to change. Plaster walls formed around him, flanked by well-stocked bookshelves. The sun gave way to a faintly buzzing electric light. He recognized the place; it was his old office at Mars University.

And where Leela had once stood, he saw Darla Thurmond, clad in a form-fitting sweater and a short, frilly skirt.

“Er…ah…” Foss stammered.

“Hi, Professor,” said Darla in the sweet, childlike voice he remembered well. “I’m having difficulty with one of the homework problems, and I thought you might be able to help me.”

Foss balked, recalling how his tryst with Darla had nearly cost him his job. Yet he knew it was hopeless—he couldn’t resist the girl’s innocent, freckled face and charming smile, any more than he could have ten years earlier.

“Why, certainly, Darla,” he said, slightly flustered. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

“Yes, I think I will have a seat,” said Darla as she quietly closed the office door. “Know what I mean, baby?”

Foss knew what she meant. Three seconds later he was flat on his back across the desk, and Darla’s arms were upon him, yanking off his tie and unbuttoning his shirt…


Bender gazed across the empty warehouse floor. Behind him, outside of the spacious old building, a pair of muscular men unloaded palette after palette of electronic components from a cargo truck. To his left stood Fry, and to his right, Monica Tao and her five-month-old baby girl. The morning sun shot friendly rays through the aging, cracked windows.

“Bender is great!” bellowed the enthusiastic robot. The words echoed from one wall to the other, and from the floor to the ceiling.

“If you can turn this dump into a working munitions factory,” said Fry, “I’ll be the one shouting ‘Bender is Great’.”

“My plan’s unsinkable,” said Bender. “I’ve got all the parts I need, and a horde of desperate manual laborers to put them together. All I need now is somebody who knows how to build a quantum torpedo.”

He looked back and forth at Fry and Monica, who had nothing but confusion on their faces. “Awww, mannn…” he groaned.

“Sorry, Bender,” said Monica as she wiped drool from her daughter’s lips with a cloth. “I know a lot about birthing babies, but I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout buildin’ no quantum torpedo.”

“We could get the professor to help us,” Fry suggested.

“He’s just a head in a jar,” said Bender. “He can’t carry nothin’.”

“No,” said Fry. “I mean we can use his knowledge. I’ll be right back.”

The redhead hurried out of the warehouse, and Bender turned to Monica with a sigh. “If this factory produces even one quantum torpedo that works,” he said glumly, “I’ll be very happy.”

It wasn’t long before other mutants arrived, starting with Alberto Veracruz. After saluting with his mouth hand, he stuck it forward and said, “Reporting for duty, Herr Direktor.”

“Great,” said Bender. “All the stuff isn’t here yet. Would you mind picking up some donuts and beer?”

“And a pickle turnover for me,” Monica added.


Foss lay sprawled on the ground, breathing rapidly, his expression one of idyllic joy. Above the smock-clad scientist stood Leela, a smile of delight on her lips. Minutes passed as she waited for him to regain his composure. The prairie sun warmed the skin of her neck.

Eventually Foss rolled over onto his knees and grasped Leela by the ankles. “I love you,” he moaned ecstatically. “Oh, God, how I love you…”

“I’m rather fond of you as well,” Leela admitted.

Foss clasped his hands together and groveled before the cyclops. “I’m not worthy of you,” he said miserably. “I wanted to use you…to manipulate you.”

“I figured as much,” said Leela, tenderly rubbing the professor’s short hair.

Foss dared not raise his head to look at the girl. “I-I haven’t had a single girlfriend since I joined the pirates,” he related. “No woman was strong or brave enough to stand up to them, until you came along. I knew I had to make you mine, so I planned to bring you into the matrix and influence your feelings so you’d fall in love with me.”

“Just like Balalaika influenced your feelings,” Leela noted. “Just like I influenced them by turning into Darla.”

Foss continued to apologize as she lifted him up by his wrists. “I see now that what I did was wrong, terribly wrong. Oh, Leela, can you ever forgive me? I’ll do anything to make it right.”

Anything?” said Leela, intrigued. “Hmm…”


to be continued

DOOP Secretary
« Reply #45 on: 09-02-2006 12:38 »

Ok... DC. What you have done here is handled extrememly well. Let me see... I'm gonna go tell people that you're here. Seriously, this needs to be advertised...

Have you considered writing professionally?


Urban Legend
« Reply #46 on: 09-02-2006 13:46 »

sorry i havent posted here in forever.  I wouldn't have thought it possible until recently, but I've not even had the spare time to sit down and read a couple of pages.  Your writing style definitely gets better as the story progresses.  The story is very enjoyable, even if it doesn't feel very futurama-y.  Keep it up!

. “One day I was taking a nature hike when the ground gave way under my feet, and I landed up to my armpits in a pile of discarded school cafeteria food."
  Yup, that'll definitely ruin your day. 

All as one, the gigantic starships flashed out of normal space and hurtled at twenty times the speed of light toward their fateful destination.
nitpick mode activated:  Even at 20 times the speed of light it would still take a few months to get to the nearest star system.  You could probably just delete 'at 20 times the speed of light' and that would fix it

Dead Composer
Delivery Boy
« Reply #47 on: 09-02-2006 16:06 »

I'm making more as a computer geek than I ever would as a professional writer.  Otherwise I'd consider it.

Concerning the "20 times the speed of light" issue: I'm aware of cosmic distances and Einstein's theory of relativity, but I pay as much attention to them as the show writers do.  (In my sequel, "Freaky Fry Day", Cubert brings up the issue and is promptly shot down.)  I recall an episode where Leela stated, "We're traveling at 99% the speed of light."  The problem is, not only would 99% light speed get you nowhere, but it would put you at risk of temporal relativistic distortion.  You could return to Earth an hour later and find that 20 years have gone by.

Next chapter coming soon!

Urban Legend
« Reply #48 on: 09-02-2006 16:57 »

actually, i just realised that my comment was moot anyway.  After all, astronomers raised the speed of light in 2208...
Dead Composer
Delivery Boy
« Reply #49 on: 09-03-2006 14:12 »

Here's chapter 19.


“How in the heck did you get your hands on that much weapons-grade plutonium?” Fry asked Bender as a man in a radiation suit carried a crate past them.

“Weapons-grade?” was Bender’s incredulous response. “What am I, made of money?”

The warehouse floor was a maelstrom of activity, as more than 150 mutant workers in protective suits struggled with the intricacies of assembling components and installing them within metal shells. From his position on the catwalk, Professor Farnsworth’s head shouted instructions and orders to the would-be technicians. “You there! Number 27!” he called out. “You’ve crossed the green and yellow wires! Do you want to blow us all to kingdom come?”

Mr. Tobler, the man with a cat in his head, hurried up to Bender and Fry. “Herr Direktor!” he exclaimed. “I can’t find a radiation suit that fits over my head!”

Bender sized up the man. “You got two choices, bub,” he said. “Either lose the cat, or go back to the circus. My budget’s too tight to afford a special suit.”

“But Princess and I are inseparable,” Tobler protested. The cat wagged its tail, which was attached to the base of his skull.

Bender sighed. “Fine,” he said reluctantly. “I’ll requisition a suit for you, and pay for it out of Fry’s own pocket.”

“Thank you, Herr Direktor,” said Tobler, clasping his hands.

“Stop calling me that,” said Bender.

Fry leaned over a railing and gazed down at the busy, confused workers. “It just doesn’t look safe to me,” he remarked, shaking his head.

“They’re mutants,” Bender pointed out. “It’s not like their lives can get worse.”

The robot’s next stop was the accounting office, where Monica was laboring over a computer keyboard, and her baby girl was sleeping obliviously in a crib. “What’s our production status?” Bender asked her.

“Torpedoes produced, zero,” replied the Asian woman. “Defects, zero.”

“Perfect,” said Bender proudly. “Safety violations?”


Bender’s eyes bulged. “Fifty-eight? That’s almost unacceptable! Who’s responsible for this?”

“You are,” said Monica flatly.

“I couldn’t agree more,” said Bender. “The person most responsible for your own safety is you. It’s about time the workers learned that. Schedule a video course.”

Upon leaving the office, he spotted Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg stepping through the creaky doors of the warehouse. “Hey, Bender mon,” Hermes hailed him. “It’s our lunch break, and we came by to see how your factory’s progressing.”

An explosion suddenly took place at the other end of the building, leaving a gash in the wall. “Uh, business is booming,” said Bender.

“I hope your plan works, mon,” said Hermes. “You got two days to save your mutant friends from the sewers.”

“I just wish Leela were here,” said Bender. “I did all this for her.”

Fry approached Amy, who appeared to be in a somber mood. “Any news from Captain Kif?” he inquired.

“No,” replied Amy with a sniffle. “Not a word.”

“Don’t worry,” said Fry. “Your boyfriend’s gonna kick those pirates’ butts, and come back a war hero.”

“If he comes back at all,” said Amy, who then covered her eyes and sobbed uncontrollably.

“Again with the waterworks,” grumbled Zoidberg.

“What about Zapp?” Fry wondered. “Are they just gonna blow him up? Isn’t anyone trying to rescue him?”


Someone was. Aboard the Nimbus, Kif was standing to one side as a special guest occupied his captain’s chair. The visitor, an elderly female of his own alien species, pressed her wrinkled fingers to her temples and moaned oddly.

“Are you picking up anything, Varuna?” Kif asked the green woman, who wore a multi-colored silk robe that reached to her ankles.

“I sense great hostility,” she uttered. “Or perhaps great friendliness. I can’t be sure unless you get closer.”

Having just dropped out of hyperspace, the thirty-four starships of Earth’s attack force circled the outer perimeter of the Cerulean Nebula. Kif’s crewmen sat silently and breathlessly at their stations, expecting a confrontation with the pirates at any moment.

“Zapp is somewhere in that nebula,” said Kif to Varuna. “Try to hone in on his psychic frequency.”

“Redrum…redrum…” mumbled the old woman.

“Wrong frequency,” said Kif with a sigh of discouragement.

One of his minions pointed at the view screen. “Sir, they’re coming!” he shouted.

Out of the blue mists of the nebula emerged one Jolly Roger warship, then another, then a dozen. “Red alert!” cried Captain Kroker. “Battle stations!”

Varuna’s eyes suddenly went wide. “I’m getting something,” she said. “Captain Brannigan is on one of those pirate ships, I’m sure of it.”

“I honestly don’t see why you had to bring that crone aboard,” said the voice of the ship’s artificial intelligence. “Psychic powers, indeed. The only way she’ll ever make contact with Brannigan is by conducting a séance. He’s dead, Kif. Accept it and let go.”

“Shut up and bring the quantum torpedo launchers online,” said Kif to the ship’s computer.

As the Earth fleet and the pirate raiders hurtled toward each other, Leela and Foss were preparing for a battle of their own. Foss began by prying loose the restraining bolt on Delta’s neck. Once he had done so, the fembot’s eyes lit up with gratitude.

“Thank you, professor,” she said. “Mindless servitude is so unpleasant. I prefer to be dominated of my own free will.”

Yanking open a wall compartment, Foss removed three old-fashioned laser pistols, of which he handed one each to Leela and Delta. “Balalaika ordered me to keep these pistols in working order, in case an emergency arose,” said the scientist as he adjusted the settings on his weapon. “I don’t imagine we’ll encounter more than five guards on the way to the bridge, so we’ve got a good chance of pulling this off.”

“Thanks for helping, Philaster,” said Leela sweetly.

“Anything for you, my love,” said Foss.

The trio exited the laboratory and made it halfway to the bend in the corridor, when a band of five pirates rounded the corner, laughing and swinging their cutlasses. “Arrr, it be mutiny!” exclaimed one of them upon seeing Leela, Delta, Foss, and their guns.

Delta squeezed her trigger and let a laser blast fly, striking a cutthroat in the chest as his four companions fled for cover. “Oh, my,” mused the fembot. “I didn’t know I was programmed for that.”

Leela fired persistently at the pirates’ half-exposed faces until Foss grabbed her arm and pulled her aside. “Look out!” he warned her, just as a dagger hurled by one of her foes whizzed past her ear. The face-off continued until the pirates ran out of daggers to throw, upon which they fled into the corridor from which they had appeared.

“You didn’t tell me they had daggers,” Leela complained.

“They’ll come back with reinforcements,” said Foss. “There’s a longer, but safer, route to the bridge. Follow me!”

He led Delta and Leela forward a few steps, and a shattering blast was heard. The pirate ship trembled violently. Foss was thrown off his feet, as was Leela; Delta kept her balance by extending her arms and grabbing a beam on each side of the hallway.

“We’re under attack!” Foss shouted. “We don’t have much time!”

They ran frantically for the remainder of the distance, passing by a few pirates who appeared too frightened to fight. At the doorway to the bridge, Foss motioned for Leela and Delta to stop and lower their voices. From their hidden vantage point they saw Balalaika and Krandok holding conference with Zapp, standing around what looked like a holographic model of a Titan-class battleship.

“The weakest part of the shielding is here, in front of the thermal exhaust port,” said Zapp, pointing at a brown rectangle on the back of the model. “By concentrating their fire, five raiders should be able to take out the Nimbus without much trouble.”

Leela gaped in horror, unable to believe what she had heard.


To be continued
Tastes Like Fry

Urban Legend
« Reply #50 on: 09-03-2006 23:48 »

Dun dun dun. I'm not one for reviews, but basically you've done a good job, can't wait for more.

DOOP Secretary
« Reply #51 on: 09-05-2006 09:02 »

I wanna see more romancewink

Dead Composer
Delivery Boy
« Reply #52 on: 09-05-2006 14:13 »

I admit, writing romance is not one of my strengths, plus it seems that half the writers on this site spend all their time writing romance as it is.  At any rate, here's chapter 20.


“Open a channel to all raiders,” said Balalaika, signaling to one of his men.  “They’ll be very interested in this bit of information.”

As the minion reached for his communication console, a red beam struck the back of his head.  He screamed briefly, fell limply over the console, and died.  Startled by this occurrence, Balalaika and Krandok whipped out their cutlasses and looked suspiciously in all directions.  Krandok, noticing a movement at the entryway, snatched a dagger from his belt and tossed it forcefully.  Delta let go of her pistol, stretched out her arm, caught the spinning blade, flipped it around by the handle, and threw it even more forcefully toward Krandok.  The point of the dagger hit him squarely in the throat, knocking him backwards in what would be the last fall of his life.

Leela, Delta, and Foss emerged from their hiding place, laser pistols drawn.  Balalaika and Zapp, finding themselves outnumbered, dropped their swords and put their hands in the air.

Leela grinned at her fembot comrade.  “That was pretty good, Delta.  But did you really need to kill Krandok?  He was an excellent original character.”

Balalaika scowled at his chief scientist.  “I knew you’d betray me someday,” he said without a trace of pirate accent.

“Oh, really?” said Foss.  “You never gave any indication that you suspected me.”

While he and Delta bound the pirate captain’s wrists with rope, Leela tried to reason with the sullen Zapp.  “You’ve been manipulated,” she said earnestly.  “Balalaika used the Fossitron device to make you think like he does.”

The anger faded from Zapp’s countenance.  “Yes, you’re right,” he said, his hands still raised.  “Like a fool I kept killing him and killing him.  After about the one hundredth time, I realized that I enjoyed killing him.  That’s when he started fighting back.  Since I couldn’t kill him anymore, I started to kill with him.”

“I understand, Zapp,” said Leela, slowly lowering her laser gun.  “That’s how the Fossitron works.  It’s like a form of mental rape.  It allowed Balalaika to get into your mind and leave a piece of himself there.”

“Leela, we’ve got a problem,” Foss interrupted.

The cyclops turned her eye to the pirate ship’s view screen, and gasped.  Out from the swirl of raiders and DOOP warships exchanging fire came the Nimbus, barreling toward their position, growing ever larger…

“Oh, my God!” cried Leela.  “They’ll blow us to bits!”

Taking advantage of her distraction, Zapp launched his foot upward, knocking the laser pistol from her hand.  The weapon spiraled in the air and landed in his waiting palm.  His opponent disarmed, he lunged forward and wrapped his arm around her neck in a vise-like grip, then pressed the business end of the laser gun against her temple.

“Let Balalaika go or I’ll kill her!” he barked at Foss and Delta.

The fembot and the scientist stood rooted to the spot by indecision and fear.

“I’ll kill her, I swear!” said Captain Brannigan, his eyes glowing with malice.

“Fight it, Zapp!” Leela choked out.

The view screen image showed the Nimbus slowing to a halt.  Suddenly, with a crackle, the face of Kif Kroker appeared.  “Resistance is futile,” he declared.  “Power down your weapons and prepare to be boarded.”

Kif beheld a strange tableau—Captain Balalaika held prisoner by Delta and Foss on one end of the pirate bridge, Leela held hostage by Zapp on the other end.  For what seemed like an entire minute, not one of them knew what to do or say.

Zapp’s lower lip began to quiver.  Leela could hear him mutter under his breath, “I’m…a monster…”

Then he pulled the laser pistol away from her head…

…and aimed it at his own.

“NO!” cried Leela.  She strained to turn around, but Zapp’s grip on her neck was too strong.

Just as he squeezed the trigger, a robotic hand flew at him.  Delta’s stretched-out arm pushed the laser pistol to a safe distance, so that its beam crashed harmlessly into a girder.


After the Nimbus’ tractor beam had drawn Balalaika’s raider into its docking bay, and Kif’s men had taken the pirate captain and his subordinates into custody, Zapp asked to be incarcerated as well.  “In my present condition I’m a danger to the crew,” he told his second-in-command.  “The Nimbus is yours, Kif.”

“I’ll treat her well, sir,” said Captain Kroker.

“I’ll lead you to the pirates’ hidden base,” Foss offered.  “You can incapacitate them with one blow.”

“That’s generous of you,” said Kif.

“I have a question,” said the young professor.  “How did you know Captain Brannigan was aboard our raider?”

Kif grinned.  “I have Varuna to thank for that.  She’s a member of my planet’s psychic caste.”

He introduced Foss to the green-skinned, white-haired woman.  “It’s, er, nice to meet you,” he greeted her.

“I sense that you don’t believe in my powers,” said Varuna.

“Oh, really,” said Foss.  “Can you sense what number I’m thinking of?”

“Silly boy,” said Varuna with a slight cackle.  “It doesn’t work that way.”

As the Nimbus and its sister starships sought out the coordinates Foss had provided, Leela and Delta relaxed in the massive vessel’s lounge.  Leela, stripped down to a bikini, and Delta, completely naked as usual, soaked in the rays from the solar generator mounted in the ceiling.

“I’m sorry I doubted you, Delta,” said Leela.  “For a Stepford wife-bot, you have a lot of talent.”

“Thank you, Captain Leela,” said Delta.  “Although I have no need of positive reinforcement, I do appreciate it when it’s given.”


Coming soon: the final chapter!
Dead Composer
Delivery Boy
« Reply #53 on: 09-05-2006 22:50 »

And here it is, Chapter 21, the end of the story.


At the Lobachevsky Desert Testing Range (formerly known as the Hudson River), a horde of eager mutants held their breaths as Bender pressed a button on a control pad. The resulting radio signal triggered the detonation of a warhead and a spectacular explosion.

“Oooh…aaah…” said the mutants with delight.

Seeing that the test was successful, Bender cheered and leaped into the cool desert air. “We did it! We did it! Finally, after hours of back-breaking labor, a quantum torpedo that actually works! Bender is great! The rest of you are just good!”

While the mutants took off their visors, Monica Tao came running toward Bender, her breaths heavy, her baby strapped onto her back. “Herr Direktor! Herr Direktor!” she called out.

“Oh, don’t you start with the ‘Herr Direktor’,” Bender grumbled.

“This is bad,” said Monica, stopping at the robot’s side. “Very bad. Watch.”

She raised up the wrist TV console she was wearing. On the tiny screen, Morbo and Linda were delivering a special report.

“As quickly as it started, the war against the Pirates of the Cerulean has ended,” said Morbo. “A fleet of DOOP battleships wiped out the pirates’ main base today, effectively destroying their ability to fight. In this newscaster’s opinion, all of you pathetic humans should keep this day in memory, for just as you have overwhelmed and destroyed the pirates, so shall you be overwhelmed and destroyed when our invincible armada arrives to take what is rightfully ours! WE WILL DESTROY YOU!”

Linda just giggled.

“Oh, my nonexistent God,” said Bender miserably. “That’s it? The war’s already over? But we haven’t sold a single torpedo!”

“Don’t take it so hard, Bender,” said Monica. “There’ll be other scams. As a wise man once said, ‘There’s a sucker born every minute.’”

Bender gritted his shiny metal teeth. “No!” he declared. “I’m gonna succeed in this business without really trying! Another war will come along any day now, and if it doesn’t, I’ll start one!” Addressing the crowd of mutants, he added, “Are you with me?”

Shouts of approval flew up from the mob. “Viva Bender!” “Viva Herr Direktor!” “We’re with Bender until the ender!” Not a single mutant offered a dissenting opinion.

“Good call on the suckers,” Bender commended Monica. “What else did the wise man say? Is there a book?”

“In further news,” said Linda from the wrist TV, “legendary space captain Zapp Brannigan is safe and sound today after having been rescued from the Cerulean Pirates. His first officer, Kif Kroker, claimed in a sworn statement that a young mutant, Turanga Leela, was chiefly responsible for Captain Brannigan’s rescue.”

Bender telescoped his eyes to get a clearer picture. “Leela’s a hero!” he marveled. “Listen up, you freaks! One of your kind is a hero!”

“In view of this claim,” Linda went on, “the President of the World, Richard Nixon’s head, has decided to withdraw the Mutant Resettlement Act.”

Bender’s jaw dropped all the way to the sandy ground.

“This is a happy day for mutants everywhere,” Linda declared.

“Oh, dear Lord,” said Monica, wiping away tears. “I’m so relieved.” Turning to the mutant workers, she yelled, “The Mutant Resettlement Act is history! You no longer have to live in the sewers! You’re free!”

The crowd cheered, even more loudly this time. “I’m going home to celebrate!” “Screw this job!” “In your face, Herr Direktor!”

Bender watched glumly as the crowd dispersed and ran away in all directions. In no time at all, he was alone in the desert with Monica and a smoking radioactive crater.

“I’m afraid I’ve got to go too,” said Monica. “I instructed the nanny to call me every fifteen minutes, and it’s been three hours.”

The Asian woman carried her baby off into the sunset. Bender, left with nothing but his broken dreams, sank to his knees and cried, “NOOOOOO!”


Five people, two robots, and one head gathered at the round table in the Planet Express meeting room—Fry, Leela, Amy, Bender, Delta, Zoidberg, Farnsworth, and Philaster Foss.

“I don’t know how you managed to avoid going to prison,” said Leela to Foss, “but I’m glad of it.” She planted an affectionate kiss on the professor’s cheek.

“It was simple,” said Foss, “once Nixon granted me a complete amnesty as a reward for my help in rooting out the pirates.”

“Why the long face, Bender?” asked Amy.

“Aww, I’m gonna die,” the robot moaned. “I owe a bundle to the Robot Mafia, and I can’t even begin to pay it back. How could things get any worse?”

“Bender,” said Delta, leaning over, “I’ve given it some thought, and decided that since you and I work together, we should be just friends.”

That’s how they could get worse,” said Bender, who then started to weep.

“I like your new attitude, Delta,” said Leela. “You’ve finally learned that you can depend on yourself, and don’t need a man to make you happy. Uh, Delta? I don’t think you should be touching Zoidberg there.”

“Heh heh heh,” giggled the crustacean.

“We’ve got a situation, everyone,” said Farnsworth. “The Planet Express ship is lost somewhere in the Cerulean Nebula. For all we know, the pirates picked it apart. On top of that, Lrrr is demanding to know what happened to his shipment of Amish furniture.”

“And what about Zapp Brannigan?” said Fry. “He’s locked up in a cell, stark raving mad.”

“What happened to him is my fault,” Foss admitted. “As God is my witness, I’ll find a way to help him.”

“So many problems,” Zoidberg lamented. “What do we do about them all?”

“Well, spluh,” said Amy. “You put them off until the sequel.”


The End

Thanks for your comments on "Bender's List".  If there's enough interest, I'll start posting the sequel, "Freaky Fry Day", in another thread.
Tastes Like Fry

Urban Legend
« Reply #54 on: 09-06-2006 01:16 »

Do it in the same thread. Most PEELers do. And there's enough interest... there's me  big grin
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