Hi! This is my first post on this site, and I wanted to put my fan script up for you guys. Its still a 2nd draft (although Act III hasnt really been given a solid rewrite yet). I submitted this to CGEF, but nothing so far. I am in the process of doing another as well, and am hosting them all on my writing archive,
www.freewebs.com/matt44au Anyway, enough about me. Enjoy the script
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OPENING TITLES
Caption: Futurama: Please accept our cookies.
ACT I
INT: PLANET EXPRESS HQ
[Fry walks into the kitchen, eyes glazed over, clearly tired. He proceeds to the coffee machine and pours a cup. Just as he tries to take a sip, he hears the professor, and his eyes open wide.]
Professor: Whaaaahooo!
[Fry drops the cup and rushes into the room where the noise came from. Leela, Hermes and Zoidberg are already in there. The Professor is sitting on a chair, covered in black ash. He is holding a hairy, dismembered leg]
Fry: What the hell happened Professor?
Professor: [Random mumbling noises]
Leela: Professor?
Professor: Oh... wha?
[Zoidberg from off screen takes the leg and begins to suck on it]
Zoidberg: Finally! Some below average food!
[Professor snatches it back and stands up]
Professor: Give that back, you imbecile! [Shaking the leg at Zoidberg] This is pivotal to my research into creating solid gold monkeys, oh yes.
Leela: How is that going to help anyone?
Professor: It’s going to help me make some more money since; frankly, Planet Express isn’t making enough money to fund my research. I mean, have you seen my atomic supermen?
[Cut to supermen (not Arachnor or Cannon-man) running around in a disco. After about 5 seconds of dancing, then fall to the ground and start kissing]
Fry: Well, if we are short some money, why don’t we sell some stuff we don’t need?
Hermes: Yes, like Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Yes! Hooray for Zoidberg! Who saves the day again!
EXT: OUTSIDE OF PLANET EXPRESS
[Bender is doing break dancing. A little beat box sits behind them, playing upbeat dance music. Fry is standing there with a hat while people walk past]
Fry: Come see the fantastic dancing robot! Only 25 dollars! All proceeds go some... random... err... charity which we haven’t decided on yet!
Bender: Uh. Yeah. Do the Bender. Bender Bender Bender. Yeah [Continues while Fry speaks]
Fry: [Chasing people with a hat for about 3 steps, dashing backward and forward to random people walking past] Sir? Sir? Wanna see him? Hey! Ma'am! [Throwing the hat down] Will some come see the goddamn robot?!
Bender: [Stops dancing] Fry, you're not doing it right. Come here. [Bender grabs Fry around the head]
Fry: [Half choking] Bender?! What are you doing?
Bender: Nobody move! I have a cute little innocent human here! Give us money or he gets it!
[Everybody runs away]
Fry: [Releases himself from Bender's grip, and rubs his neck] Nice one Bender...
Bender: Ah, they were just low-income lowlifes. Who need’s em?
INT: PLANET EXPRESS FRONT OF SHIP
Professor: Good news, everyone! We have just been asked to deliver a package to Smeckler 5, one of the only planet completely ruled by microscopic organisms. Rich microscopic organisms! Oh yes.
Leela: Wait, how could microscopic organisms ask you to deliver a package to them? And also be rich?
Professor: Good question Leela, and one I have pondered for quite a while. [Pause, and cups hands, his fingertips touching] Off you go!
Leela: But...
Professor: [Interrupting] Go now! Time is of the essence! [Mumbles]
EXT: NEW NEW YORK AND SPACE
[Ship takes off and flies through space for a bit]
INT: PLNET EXPRESS SHIP BRIDGE
[Fry, Leela and Bender are all sitting in their usual places]
Fry: Did the Professor seem kinda weird today? Like, more weird than usual?
Leela: No, not really
Bender: Not any weirder than any he usually is.
Fry: Hmm. Maybe it’s just me... [Cut off by crunching sounds and the ship rocking]
Leela: What was that?
Fry: [Waving hands in the air] Oh my god! We are all going to die!
Leela: Calm down Fry, there’s nothing here worth dying fo...
[Bridge door opens and Zapp and Kiff emerge]
Leela: Well, on the other hand...
Zapp: Ahh, the lovely captain Leela, coming back for another taste of candy. And what do I call that candy Kiff?
Kiff: Ugh. Zappalicious Sex Suckers, Sir.
Zapp: That’s right Kiff. You were yearning for me, so you came here.
Leela: But didn’t you just board us?
Zapp: Yes, that may be true, but you flew into my area of space, just praying that the Zapper will board you! Now, my lover, what do you want to do first?
Leela: How about we play "Stab Zapp with a Knife?"
Zapp: Ahh, so you are into that sort of thing eh? That’s fine. Zapp can be as kinky as you want him to be...
Bender: Heeeey, now I remember you! Leela! It's that guy you slept with!
Zapp: Babe, I got a sexy idea. How about I read you some pick up lines. Kiff! Hand me my Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of Sexy Pick Up Lines. [Pause] Volume 2! [Pause] Page 4.
[Kiff hands Zapp the book and groans. Zapp clears his throat and holds the book open in one hand. He says the lines in a sexy voice.]
Zapp: Baby, if you were a spaceport, then I wanna park my ship in your Port 5434. [Leela groans, and Zapp turns a few pages] I wanna play with your joystick all night.
Kiff: Sir, that’s the Man to Man section.
Zapp: Of course. I knew that Kiff. I was just building up the suspense.
Leela: Ugh, why won’t he just go away?
Fry: We're all gonna die!
Leela: I told you, we are not going to die.
Zapp: Enough chat chit! [Kiff groans and turns away] I need to get down to business. I have to arrest you. As sexy and alluring as you are, I can’t go against Brannigan's Law 2!
Leela: Brannigan's Law 2?
Zapp: God question, my love. It’s the law... urr... preventing the umm... act... of... umm... Leela!
[Leela rolls her eye]
Bender: Well, we're boned.
Zapp: You have a choice as to your punishment. You can either spank me, or spank Kiff. But there’s a catch. You have to choose twice, and you can’t choose the same option again. Ba-zing.
Leela: [Putting her finger to her chin] Hmm, lets think of a loophole. Oh, I know! [She punches Zapp in the face]
Zapp: So you have chosen your fate... [Gets punched again] This doing it for ya? [Gets punched a third time] Perhaps we should do this on a bed?
[Cut to a view from Zapp's POV. Leela punches for a final time, and all goes dark again. We see Zapp's eyes struggle to open as we cut outside to see him tied up on the ground]
Leela: I hope you've learnt finally that we can't be together.
Zapp: Come on Leela! We were meant to be! We share the same vowels and everything! Well, one at least!
Leela: He'll be fine in the other room. Now let’s finish this delivery.
EXT: SPACE
[Planet express ship goes down a few times ad on the last, rips free of the Nimbus. It continues to Smeckler 5 and lands]
EXT: SMECKLER 5 IN FRONT OF SHIP
[The planet looks like a sick-green desert. There are green ominous clouds overhead]
Fry: Wow, what a dump!
Leela: Yeah, let’s get this over with.
INT: PLANET EXPRESS HQ
[The Professor is walking down the hallway, mumbling]
Professor: Urr... oh.... yes... super... atomic... men...
Hermes: Professor, maybe you need to lie down, perhaps watch some TV?
Professor: [Mumbles]
Hermes: I think you need to, Professor.
[Hermes lays the Professor down on the lounge and puts a blanket on him. Hermes then turns on the TV for the Professor]
Hermes: I hope you realise that electricity ain't free.
INT: NEWSROOM, ON PLANET EXPRESS'S TV
Female Newsreader: Hello. Tonight, our top story: A plague grips New New York, bringing some of the city's major industries to a standstill.
Morbo: Yes, while it may be a tragedy for you puny earthlings, my superior race will find your current weakness most opportune for the invasion! Mwahahaha!
Female Newsreader: Wow, an insightful viewpoint! Now we go to our reporter who is meeting some of the affected people.
[Cut to reporter inside a shelter for the homeless]
INT: HOMELESS SHELTER
Reporter: Thankyou. I am...
[Suddenly, he is grabbed by numerous homeless people with scabs and other blotches on their skin, rather like they have leprosy. He screams, and falls down. One member of the homeless people suddenly jumps in front of the camera]
Homeless Person: Hey, is this thing on? What, you mean right now? Really! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!!! Hi ma! I told you I’d be successful and get on TV some day! Ha! Screw you telling me I was worthless, look at me now bitch! [Clicks 3 times]
INT: NEWSROOM
[Cut to Morbo and News Reader laughing as if nothing bad happened]
Female Newsreader: Oh, wasn’t that a heart-warming story, Morbo?
Morbo: Yes! Ha! It tickled me in a place I didn’t even know my species had! Ha!
Female Newsreader: He, ha. [Last “Ha” extended]
EXT: SMECKLER 5
[Fry, Leela and Bender are walking, with Leela holding the package they need to deliver. Fry and Leela are downtrodden, and looking depressed. Bender, on the other hand is strutting, humming a tune]
Bender: Da, do a dooby do, ba de di da.
Fry: [Suddenly snapping] Bender will you shut the hell up!
Leela: [Off screen] Hey guys! Look over here!
[Camera moves sideways to see Leela ahead of the group standing on a ridge. The other two quickly dash toward her, and drop their jaws]
Fry: Wow, [Cut to city] it’s fantastic. Pretty big for microbes though.
Leela: Yeah, something seems fishy about this.
Bender: Hmm. Hey! I saw a hooker! That’s a sign enough for me that this is one quality town! And maybe they have Blackjack! [Laughs in anticipation, and runs down to the city]
Leela: Hold it, Bender. Something doesn’t seem right down there.
Fry: Well, the sooner we deliver this package, the sooner we get out of here. And what if Bender’s right? It may be a nice town, [Quieter] for once.
Bender: Well, that settles it. [Snatches package from Leela’s arms. Fry comes and inspects the side of the package]
Fry: 123 Credibility Street, Faketown. Seems pretty easy to find. You coming, Leela?
Leela: [Sighs] Okay, if it’ll stop you from carrying on. Let’s go.
EXT: FAKETOWN
[Faketown is like a mini Las Vegas; lights of casinos, upbeat music. The inhabitants are large amoebas, walking around in suits and ties.]
Fry: See Leela, what’d I tell ya. There’s absolutely, positively nothing to worry about.
Leela: But these aren’t microscopic organisms! This isn’t right!
Fry: [Ignoring Leela] Hey, where’s Bender?
[Cut to Bender with one arm on a wall chatting up a robot prostitute.]
Bender: And so I says to the other robot, “Stick a microprocessor in it!” [Both laugh]
RoboHooker: Oh, Mr Rodriguez, you are so deep in my romance simulator, I want all my USB ports filled with your drives [Bats Eyelids]
Bender: Sounds like an excellent proposition, doll face. Let’s find a nice back alley somewhere...
Fry and Leela: [In unison, and off screen] Bender!
[Camera rotates to include them in shot behind Bender]
Bender: Oh hell. [Twists head slightly in the direction of Fry and Leela] Can’t you see I’m trying to score here?
Leela: We have a package to deliver, and you said it yourself. The quicker we deliver this package, the quicker we get off this planet!
Bender: [Rolling eyes] Okay, I’ll catch up to you...
Leela: No, now!
Bender: Fine!
RoboHooker: I’ll see you later, stud-muffin. [Winks]
EXT: 123 CREDIBILITY STREET
[Fry looks at the package in the same manner as before, and looks at the house]
Fry: Looks like this is the place.
[Fry presses the doorbell. The house looks dilapidated, nothing like the rest of the city. There are a few moments of pause, and then the door slowly opens]
INT: 123 CREDIBILITY STREET
[View looking toward door. Fry pokes his head in.]
Fry: Hello?
[He takes a step in. Leela, then Bender follows. Bender shuffles in looking down, obviously disappointed about the loss of a possible score with the hooker. Camera then cuts to a top view, and we see Fry at the bottom of frame, Leela on the right and Bender on the left. Suddenly, a creak is heard, all look up, and the door slams shut. Camera cuts back to the group who are now huddled together in fear.]
Fry: We’re gonna die this time, right?
Leela: I dunno Fry.
[Camera cuts to a behind shoulder view of the three huddled together. The camera zooms in on a darkened staircase slowly, as a shadowed microbe figure walks down. Sounds of a knife being sharpened can be heard, with an accompanying spark. Suddenly, the figure is revealed in full light as he leaps off the stairs into the light holding the knife in a position of attack]
Rallin: Die Farnsworth, Di... What! [Drops the knife] You aren’t Professor Farnsworth! Who are you?
Leela: [Apprehensively] Sir... I am Captain Leela of the Planet Express, this is Fry, our delivery boy, and this is our incompetent robot Bender. We have your package right here. And who might you be?
Rallin: I am Rallin. [Throws amoeboid hands down, and begins to whimper a bit] All this planning! All to get a captain, [Camera jumps from person to person as he identifies them] a delivery boy and a stupid alcoholic robot!
Bender: Well, I do try.
Leela: What’s going on here?
Rallin: [Sighs, and turns around] I guess you deserve to know. I mean, I did drag you out here for nothing.
[Flashback]
INT: WHITE HOUSE-LIKE OFFICE
[Rallin is sitting behind a big desk, writing something]
Rallin: [Narrating] Long ago, I was a leader of a quaint little planet near to Earth, named Sexator.
[Cut out of flashback to Bender and Fry giggling]
Bender: I like this planet already!
[Back to flashback]
[Various images of Rallin’s duties as Sexator’s president]
Rallin: [Frustrated] Yes. [Narrating] Well, that was one of the problems with our planet. We were the laughing stock of the galaxy. All thanks to one Professor Farnsworth! You see, before he became this frail old man, he was the Earth President!
Leela: Wait, he is a former Earth President? Why isn’t his head in a jar now?
Rallin: He strongly refused. He wanted to grow old like any other human, and went into hiding from the government. Believe it or not, he was quite nimble and sly in his day.
Fry: I can’t believe the Professor was an Earth President!
Rallin: It’s true. And in the process of becoming Earth President, he destroyed me.
Leela: How?
[Images of Farnsworth’s and Rallin’s campaigns]
Rallin: I too, ran for Earth president, and at the same time as Farnsworth. We both campaigned hard. The election was on a knife’s edge. No one could predict the outcome. And then, 3 days before the poll day, a bombshell was dropped. Farnsworth revealed the planet I had come from, which no one had known. Once the name of my planet got public, and also the names of various landmarks, like Phallic Tower, The Camel’s Toe, etc, me and my planet were ruined. My planet was embarrassed and made a butt of all the jokes. It was terrible. The election was won by a landslide, and I was run out of town, all because of that Farnsworth.
[End Flashback]
Leela: And you find that reason enough to kill him?
Rallin: Of course. I have had to become a recluse, and get an address that no one with half a brain would come to.
Fry: Well, it seems to have worked.
Rallin: But something that I hadn’t anticipated happened. He got someone else to do his dirty work; someone else to deliver the package.
Bender: Okay, what a sad story. Let’s go, I want to see if I can find that hooker again.
Rallin: Stop! But I have formulated another plan. [Clicks his fingers]
[3 amoebas who look like police grab Fry, Leela and Bender]
Rallin: I am afraid that I have to arrest you. If you want to get out, Farnsworth must come here and save you himself!
Fry: Okay, Leela, we are definitely going to die this time, right?
Leela: I think so, Fry...
[Dissolve to black]
END ACT I
ACT II
INT: ZOIDBERG’S EXAMINING ROOM
[Zoidberg is examining Farnsworth, who is mumbling uncontrollably and sitting on the table in the middle. Camera then cuts to behind the Professor’s head]
Zoidberg: Okay, now let’s look at those eyes. [He pulls off Farnsworth’s glasses and screams, reeling back] Oh god! Its hideous![Puts them back on the Professor’s face]
[Zoidberg then proceeds to look up and down his body. He finds a scab on Farnsworth’s leg. Zoidberg touches it. He sniffs it. He then rips it off and eats it]
Zoidberg: Mmm! I think I am in love!
[Farnsworth then looks upward, then back forward, and then slowly falls backward. He lands on his back, with his legs straight up in the air. He suddenly falls asleep]
Zoidberg: Well, just have a lie down. Oh you are. Good. Good. [Begins to walk out, then runs back to suck on the Professor’s leg. He stops for a moment, makes a noise of elation, then continues]
EXT: PLANET EXPRESS BALCONY
[Hermes and Amy are standing on the balcony looking down at the people with the plague going crazy]
Hermes: This is chaos!
Amy: What are we going to do?
Hermes: I don’t know; let’s just hope someone finds a cure!
INT: POLICE STATION
[The policemen are bundling Leela, Fry and Bender into their cell, poking and prodding the trio to get them to move]
Policeman 1: Come on! Move it!
Policeman 2: We haven’t got all day!
Fry: Hey! That hurts!
Policeman 3: Shove it, robot!
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass! [Sprays policeman with a liquid from his mouth]
[Policeman 3 smashes Bender across the head with a club]
Bender: Ow! Crap! Police brutality! [Puts fists up] I can take you, bring it on baby!
[Policeman 3 smashes Bender in numerous places on his body. The three policemen finally get them all in the cell. Bender runs up to the door and starts screaming]
Bender: [Shaking fist in the air] You’ll be hearing from my lawyers! I will be served justice! You hear me?! JUSTICE!!!
Leela: Bender, stop. There’s no use. They aren’t going to listen. What needs to be done right now is to think of a plan.
Fry: Hey, aren’t we allowed one phone call?
Leela: Yeah, we are, aren’t we! [To the female robot Warden who was just stepped near the door] Hey!
Warden: What?
Leela: Don’t we get one phone call?
Warden: I have to check with the other officers, but I think so. [She walks off]
Fry: So, who’re we gonna call?
Bender: Who is on this planet, who we know the number, and also wants to save us? Hmmm.
[They both look at Leela]
Leela: Oh no. I am not going to call Zapp Brannigan. Nope. Never. I’d much rather stay in here thankyou very much.
[Warden returns]
Warden: I just checked with the other officers, and yes, you are allowed one.
Fry: Come on Leela, do it!
Leela: [Rolls eye and sighs] Fine.
[Leela and the warden walk down the hall a bit. The Warden then opens a door]
Warden: The phone is in there.
[Leela walks in and is met with 12 robots sitting around a crescent table. The room is brightly lit, and the robots tower over her]
Wiseman 1: Ahh, welcome Leela.
Leela: Err, hi. Where’s the phone?
[The 12 Wisemen all laugh in unison]
Wiseman 2: You didn’t think that you were going to get a phone call did you? We have had too many people call someone to bust them out, and that isn’t going to happen again. Instead, we brought you here, Leela.
Leela: Umm, okay.
Wiseman 3: We know the rest of your group are not of great intelligence [All chortle in unison, and Leela gives a half assed polite laugh] and so we isolated you from them, as not to cause any scheming of an escape plan. Warden!
Warden: Yes, masters?
Wiseman: Take Leela to the isolation ward!
[The Warden grabs Leela’s arm and takes her away]
Leela: Help!
INT: FRY AND BENDER’S CELL
[Bender is standing at the door to the cell, still angry, and Fry is sitting on the bench at the back of the cell]
Fry: Leela’s taking a long time.
Bender: [Ignoring Fry] Where’s the booze in this place? I demand to be looked after! Where’s the robot sensitivity here?
Fry: I don’t think they are listening to you, Bender.
Bender: So what? They will listen eventually. My voice will be heard!
Fry: Whatever, Bender.
[Dissolve, showing that lots of time has passed. Bender is getting more and more sober with rust around his mouth, and Fry is getting stubble. They are in the exact same positions as before the dissolve]
Bender: [Whimpering] Please! I need alcohol! [Half-crying] Please! [Sobs]
Fry: I can’t stand this anymore! Right, Bender. We are going to escape!
[The Great Escape theme begins to play]
Fry: Okay. Here’s what we are going to do. [Fry begins to whisper in Bender’s ear. He begins to giggle]
INT: PLANET EXPRESS SHIP
[Zapp is tied up in the corner of one of the storage holds. His ramblings are muffled by the gag in his mouth. His eyes are covered by a blindfold, so he can’t see]
Zapp: [Muffled] Hello? Is there anyone there? I forgive you Leela! Hello?
[He moves forward a bit by shuffling his body. Just as he does this, Kiff enters the room]
Kiff: Sir?
Zapp: [Still muffled] Kiff! Help me!
[Kiff walks over to Zapp and unties him.]
Zapp: Thanks Kiff. Is my hair okay?
Kiff: Umm, its fine sir.
[Begins walking into the bridge]
Zapp: Excellent. Now, how do we work this contraption?
Kiff: Sir, don’t you think we should find another ship? I mean, this isn’t ours to use.
Zapp: Stop being such a square, Kiff! Weren’t you ever a teenager? Stealing is one of the most socially acceptable things you can do! In fact, if you don’t do it, you are an outcast. And are you an outcast, Kiff?
Kiff: [Opens his mouth to object]
Zapp: [Before Kiff speaks] Right, Kiff. Of course you aren’t. I wouldn’t hire a socially unacceptable recluse as my personal assistant! Now, find the keys while I go into the bathroom and have some private time. That encounter will Leela has left me a little... sore
[Kiff shudders]
INT: BENDER AND FRY’S PRISION CELL
[Bender picks up a piece of loose stone from the floor and throws it at the cell door. The door engages, and fries the stone to pieces]
Fry: Any other bright ideas, Einstein?
Bender: [Mumbles angrily]
Fry: Oh! Quick! She’s coming!
[Fry bustles to sit down on the bench, looking ragged and tired out. Bender leans against wall near the door, looking smooth and charming. The Warden walks to her post in front of the prison door]
Bender: Hiya, doll face.
Warden: [Looking in alternating directions] Umm, hi...
Bender: I know a good looker when I see one, and I definitely am looking at one now.
Warden: Oh, stop.
Bender: What do you say to having a bit of fun tonight?
Warden: Sorry, it’s against prison policy.
Bender: Oh come on, sweet cheeks. I know you want to.
Warden: Okay, what do you want from me? Is it liquor?
Bender: Only to be with you tonight, babe.
Warden: Really?
Bender: Well, my lying simulator is out of order at the moment, so it has to be coming from my sincerity unit.
Warden: [Flustered] Wow, I never expected such romance from you Bender! No one has ever made me feel like this. Okay, what time?
Bender: Any time you want, babe.
Warden: Okay, Bender, I’ll drop by later. [Runs off in glee]
Fry: Heeeey, nice one Bender!
Bender: Ah, shut it. Now how long do I have to entertain this robot for?
Fry: As long as you need to in order to get the electrical field deactivator. Or you could knock her out and grab it. Your choice.
Bender: You got it. Now, where was I? Oh yes. [Turns to door again] Where’s my liquor!
EXT: NEW NEW YORK
[The plague has gotten worse. Most of the people outside are going crazy and have scabs and scars all over them. They are looting and stealing, breaking windows etc.]
INT: NEWSROOM
Female Newsreader: And even though that puppy on the surfboard broke his neck, he still somehow found the strength to save that poor drowning child. Isn’t that nice, Morbo?
Morbo: Dogs taste like chicken!
Female Newsreader: Recapping our top story; Earth is in the middle of an epidemic. This plague has caused much destruction and devastation, spinning the planet into chaos.
Morbo: Yes, the puny earthlings have no idea about this disease. If only I could contact the forces from my planet to attack now, we would be the clear victor! We will take over your puny planet! Mwahahaha!
INT: PLANET EXPRESS CONFERENCE ROOM
Hermes: Okay, the new rules. One: Nobody leaves this building until the plague is over. Two: Keep the Professor quarantined in his bedroom. No one go into his room. And finally, if you do get the disease, give it to Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: No! I can’t have a disease! My social status will be lowered... more so!
Hermes: We have plenty of supplies in this building. We should be able to survive for a while without too much trouble. Let’s just hope someone finds a cure to this quickly.
INT: PRISON WARDEN’S QUARTERS
[The Warden’s quarters are set up like a romantic dinner for 2 in a restaurant. There are a few lit candles on the table and a red and white chequered tablecloth. Bender and the Warden are both laughing together]
Warden: Wow. You know, I have never met a guy like you before, Bender. You’re so full of life.
Bender: Same to you, hot stuff. Now, I have a question to ask you.
Warden: [Getting flustered] Oh my god, really? I have been waiting for this day ever since I was a pile of disassembled parts! Of course Bender! I will marry yo...
Bender: No, just do you know where the electrical field deactivator is. You know, just for kicks.
Warden: Oh. [Stands up] I see what’s going on here. You just feigned being in love with me just to get out of your jail cell! I can’t believe I fell for that, Bender. Now go back to your cell!
INT: PLANET EXPRESS SHIP
[Zapp is standing looking at the controls with one hand to his chin. Kiff stands behind him]
Kiff: Urr, sir...
Zapp: Don’t worry Kiff, I’ll work it out.
[A long pause. Zapp stands in the exact same spot, in the exact same position, staring at the controls. Eventually, he presses one button. The ship lurches into the air]
Zapp: See Kiff? What’d I tell you?
Kiff: Sir! Are you insane?!
Zapp: No, I just know my way around a ship, young assistant.
Kiff: Sir, I don’t think you realise that you are heading straight for the prison!
[Cut to outside the ship. The ship is doing loops and spins. Zapp is obviously a bad flyer. It loops and spins and heads for the prison]
INT: FRY AND BENDER’S PRISON CELL
[Fry is sitting on the bench, waiting in anticipation. Bender is shoved in by the Warden, with his head hitting the wall as he comes in]
Warden: I hate you Bender, you lying pig! I am never going to speak to you again.
Fry: Did you get it?
Bender: [Shakes his head] What’s it look like, Fry?!
Fry: Umm, you did it?
Bender: No! I didn’t!
Fry: Oh. Dammit! What are we going to do now? [Puts fingers to temples] Think, think, think, think, think!
[Cut to ship flying closer]
Fry: Come on Fry, think!
[Suddenly, a big crashing noise. The camera zooms out to see that half of the cell is gone, replaced with the Planet Express ship]
Bender: Great plan Fry!
Fry: What could we do? We...
Bender: Fry, look!
Fry: Oh! It was a good plan, wasn’t it?
[Zapp walks out with Kiff, covered in ash]
Zapp: No need to congratulate me Kiff. I know you’re in awe of my spectacular flying ability. But don’t you worry. Someday, you’ll fly just as good as me.
Kiff: I rue the day, sir.
Zapp: Of course you do Kiff. Who wouldn’t?
[A number of officers run past]
Officer: We have a breach in security! All electricity is out! Anybody can get out!
Fry: Anybody can get out huh? Maybe we could think of a way to use that in our plan. [Pause]
Bender: [Begins to speak]
Fry: [Before Bender has a chance to say the word] No, I’ll get it. Umm... err...
Leela: [Off screen] That means we can get in the ship and get the hell out of here.
[Camera pans across to reveal Leela standing in the doorway]
Fry: But... how’d you... [Pause] Ohhhh. I gotcha.
Leela: Come on, let’s go.
[They begin to get on the ship, and Zapp begins to follow]
Leela: [Stopping Zapp with her hand] Not you.
Zapp: Oh come on. You know you want to, baby. [Bats eyelids and smiles charmingly]
Leela: [Sighs] Fine. Just as long as you keep your mouth shut.
Zapp: [Points a Leela with both hands] Can do.
[Everyone gets on the ship. It takes off, and as it does, 123 Credibility Street comes into view. The camera no longer follows the ship anymore, and zooms into the window. Rallin is standing there, and he is frowning angrily. He turns away, and dissolve to black.
END ACT II
ACT III
EXT: SPACE
[The Planet Express ship flies through space]
INT: PLANET EXPRESS SHIP BRIDGE
[Bender is sitting on the chair, drinking beer. He has his feet up on the desk, and guzzling it down. Leela is sitting at the controls, flying the ship. Zapp comes in, and puts his hands on Leela’s shoulders]
Zapp: Hey, my lover. Come away from the controls and, you know, have some fun. Yes. Sweet, sweet fun.
Leela: If there’s one thing more annoying than spending time with Zapp Brannigan, its spending time with 2 Zapp Brannigans. And I know that’s never going to happen, so therefore spending time with 1 Zapp Brannigan is the most annoying thing.
Zapp: Yes... well. Keep up the good work.
[Suddenly, something rocks the ship. It blows up the part of the control’s Bender’s beer is resting on, taking the beer with it. It sprays across the room]
Bender: What the hell was that? And they’d better have a good reason for blowing up my beer. [As he says this, he opens up his body and puts another beer down]
Leela: We have a ship tailing us!
Fry: We’re gonna di... [Gets a sock shoved in his mouth by Leela]
EXT: SPACE
[There are two ships: the Planet Express one and a small fighter. A battle ensues. The fighter continually fires out lasers, with the Planet Express ship making evasive manoeuvres.]
[Cut to the bridge as a laser hits the Planet Express ship. It blows up Bender’s new beer]
Bender: Ah crap! Leela, kick his ass!
Leela: Don’t worry, we are almost to Earth.
[Cut back to the battle. Suddenly, the Planet Express ship is blocked by a big fleet of ships. They have police and ambulance sirens going]
Leela: Oh, not another ship accident. [She beeps the horn] Move!!
[The ship behind her stops moving, and starts beeping as well. Start zooming out as more and more ships begin to line up behind her, beeping as well]
INT: PLANET EXPRESS
[Hermes, Zoidberg and Amy are holding the door in. It keeps buckling, being hit by the infected people outside]
Hermes: Keep holding it! I am going to go get my shotgun.
[Zoidberg screams as Hermes walks away]
Amy: Keep going, Zoidberg!
[Bits of the door get knocked in as it’s being held in. Zoidberg jumps back and screams]
Amy: Stop being such a wuss Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: I can't help it. Waaaaaaaah!
Hermes: [Off screen] Stand back, Zoidberg!
[Hermes fires the gun and diseased people fly back from the door]
Hermes: Yeah, you like that you filthy sacks of vomit!
Zoidberg: Ha! I knew they would succumb to the power of the greatest fighter in the world! Zoidberg the magnificent! Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop! [Runs toward door]
INT: PLANET EXPRESS SHIP BRIDGE
[They are still stuck behind the accident]
Leela: Screw this.
[She turns out of the line, and zooms down to Earth. The other ship follows suit, and begins to fire again]
Fry: Does this guy ever give up?
Bender: I wonder who’s inside that ship.
Zapp: I don’t know. But it has to be a man or creature of unspeakable evil! And I should know. I have run away from a few of them.
[The ship breaks through the clouds, does a few evasive manoeuvres and loses the other ship.
Leela: That was easy...
Bender: Yes. Too easy.
[Cut to outside the ship and we can see evidence of destruction]
Fry: Whoa! What happened here?
Zapp: I don’t know. But it has to be a man or creature of unspeakable evil!
Bender: Can we get rid of this guy?
[Lands in Planet Express HQ]
INT: PLANET EXPRESS HQ
[Everyone gets out of the Planet Express ship. Hermes and Amy come up to the group]
Hermes: Help us man!
Amy: They’re trying to get in! They won’t stop!
Fry: Hey, where’s Zoidberg?
[Cut to Zoidberg. He has a bandanna on, wearing a singlet and khaki pants; Rambo style. He is firing the gun repeatedly through the door, and doing stylish moves in the process]
Zoidberg: [Every time he fires the gun] Whaa! You wanna get in, but you won’t! Zoidberg will never let you past! Wa! Waha! Brrraaaahhh!
[Everyone runs to the door, and pushes against it]
Fry: They’re still coming through!
Leela: [Points] Look!
[The earlier fighter is circling above the Planet Express building]
Leela: How’d he find us again?
Bender: I told you it was too easy, but no one listens to Bender!
Zapp: Do not fear, Zapp Brannigan is... present!
Leela: What can you do Zapp? You have no weapons!
Zapp: That may seem true. But there is one weapon I always have on me: My sensual masculinity.
Leela: This is neither the time nor the place to be trying to get with me Zapp.
Zapp: Any time is the time and the place for the Zapper!
Bender: Oh god, please someone kick his ass!
[Suddenly, an explosion rocks the building]
Fry: Ahhh! It’s attacking the building!
[The plagued people’s hands begin to break through the door. Zoidberg screams and a hand goes into his mouth. He begins to suck on it and purrs lovingly]
Amy: Eww...
[More explosions, and the top is blown up on the building. The fighter circles a few times, and then lands. Rallin then emerges]
Leela, Bender and Fry: [In unison] Rallin?
Rallin: Thanks for leading me to Farnsworth!
Fry: [Gasping for air and whimpering] We’re in trouble.
Rallin: Now, where is he?!
Leela: Sorry, you aren’t going anywhere, Rallin. The Professor may have hurt you before, but he isn’t going to do it now.
Rallin: He needs to pay. My life has been ruined, thanks to him. And so I must return the favour.
Leela: But that isn’t a reason to kill him. He is a good man.
Rallin: Hmm. This may be true. Perhaps I need to get to know the man first. Then I can make a judgement without bias; not clouded by rage.
Leela: That’s exactly what we’re saying.
Fry: Yeah. He may have destroyed your life, made you become a recluse, forced you to live in a dingy house...
Rallin: [Suddenly angry] FARNSWORTH MUST DIE!!
[Rallin begins to run. Leela tries to stop him, but he runs into her. She goes straight through him, like water]
Fry: You don’t see that everyday.
[Cut to side shot of Zoidberg, holding the gun out]
Zoidberg: You can never sto...
[Cut off by the entire door being knocked down and the plagued people run in. Every step that is made on the door, Zoidberg groans in pain. Everyone screams. Hermes picks up the gun and fires at the people coming in. Suddenly, the door behind them opens, and Farnsworth bursts out. The Professor is covered in scabs. He is obviously plagued like the others]
Fry: Professor! You’re plagued too?
Professor: Flesh! Rich, nourishing flesh!
Fry: Oh my god! They’re like zombies!
Professor: Hmm, oh yes.
[The Professor starts to walk down the stairs]
Zapp: Stop!
[Everyone stops]
Zapp: You all know I have been a great friend to the sick and the poor, the rich and the healthy, the financially comfortable and the moderately ill. So I want to say one thing before you kill me and the rest of these great people. Don’t do it. If you do, you will be destroying your best friends.
[Plagued people take a step]
Kiff: I don’t think it is working sir!
Zapp: Silence Kiff! I am trying to help here.
Bender: Well I am not worried. I am a robot; I don’t need to fear disease!
[A bunch of diseases robots bust through the door]
Bender: Ahh, crap!
Zapp: Remember, no one here did anything to hurt you! No one here gave you the plague. If there is anyone you should be angry with, its yourselves!
Kiff: Umm, sir...
Zapp: [Walking forward a bit] I know you all want to pass the buck and make someone else the one to blame. But you are blinded to you own folly. So...
[Is suddenly overrun by the plagued citizens]
Zapp: Wait! I didn’t finish my... [Gets stepped on]
Rallin: [From behind] FARNSWORTH!
Professor: [Snapping] What?
Rallin: You... bastard!
Leela: Oh...no!
Rallin: [Gradually walking forward] You destroyed me. You hurt me in ways you can never imagine. You took away my dignity. You took away my life!
Fry: Oh no!
Leela: Oh no!
Bender: Oh yeah! [Cut to Bender looking at a sexy female robot]
Rallin: And now, Farnsworth. You will pay!
[Rallin lifts up a knife. The Professor runs toward him at leaps at him, as if to bite him. The Professor goes straight through him and falls on the ground behind Rallin]
Professor: Ooh! [Sound that he has clearly broken something vital] Sweet zombie Jesus!
Rallin: There’s no use Farnsworth!
[Rallin turns around and lifts the knife again. Just as he is about to strike, Zoidberg leaps out of nowhere, wailiong a battle cry and lands inside Rallin]
Zoidberg: No one kills one of my patients, only me!
[Zoidberg then begins to drink Rallin]
Rallin: What? What are you doing? Ow! Stop it! Don’t! [Getting higher as he gets smaller and smaller] Crap! What the hell are you doing?! No! I am shrinking! Shrinking! Oh the humanity! What a world, what a world. Who knew a good little lobster like you could destroy my beautiful [Pops out of existence]
Fry: Great job Zoidberg!
Hermes: [Sarcastically] Yes, whatever. Great job, you are great, woo hoo you etc.
Zoidberg: [Holding his stomach] Uh oh...
Fry: What’s the matter?
Zoidberg: I don’t feel too good...
Bender: She’s gonna blow! Run!
[All start pushing their way through the plagued people in slow motion. Cut back to Zoidberg who is heaving, as if he is getting ready to throw up. He then spits Rallin out in tiny droplets, like Rallin is water. It showers all in the room. After Zoidberg is finished, we see the plagued people’s scabs shrink. Eventually, they disappear.]
Plagued Person 1: We’re cured!
Plagued Person 2: I cant believe it!
Plagued Person 3: Thankyou, Planet Express!
[Fry cheesily smiles and puts both thumbs up]
INT: NEWSROOM
Morbo: Yes. And that is how I found out how the toilets on this planet function.
Female Newsreader: What a great human-interest story, Morbo. And I am also rid of the dreaded plague, which is a plus.
Morbo: Unfortunately, the new light speed still wasn’t fast enough for my invasion force to reach your tiny planet. But soon, puny earthlings, we will rule your planet!
Female Newsreader: I’m sure it was. And that is the news. All of the plagued people have been cured, and I am happy and dandy! See you later on tonight for the late news, with me!
[TV is turned off]
INT: PLANET EXPRESS LOUNGE
[Everyone is either sitting or standing in the lounge. Zapp and Kiff have left]
Professor: Thankyou for looking after me during this difficult time. I presume your trip was a success, yes?
Bender: A disaster as always
Professor: Excellent!
Leela: One thing I dont get is: Why did the plague go away?
Farnsworth: Good question Leela. It seems that when Zoidberg drunk that ameoboid blob, it mixed with some of his inner stomach acids. When Zoidberg spat it out, the acids reacted with the blob's liquid. That turned out to be poison to the bacterium!
[Silence, everone looks nonplussed]
Fry: So, you were actually an Earth president?
Professor: What? What kind of crap are you talking? I was never Earth president!
Fry: But Rallin said you were.
Professor: Rallin? Who is Rallin?
Leela: Are you too old to remember?
Professor: I’m still only 159, you know. [Sits down] I have many more years... [Falls asleep immediately]
[Zoidberg then slowly crawls towards his legs, and sucks on them]
Leela: Oh my god! Get him off the Professor!
Fry: Ahh, who cares? He seems happy enough. Let’s just live and let live.
[Zoom out, fade to black]
END ACT III
END CREDITS
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