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Author Topic: a noob's first attempt at literature  (Read 10852 times)
Pages: 1 ... 3 4 5 [6] 7 8 9 ... 18 Print
Arkan

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #200 on: 11-22-2005 11:49 »
« Last Edit on: 11-22-2005 11:49 »

Great update! I liked Fry's viewpoint, especially

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentOrange:
Fry was indeed very good at being a hostage, or anything else that required nothing more than taking up space

Just a couple of minor errors, like:

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentOrange:
Leela awoke with a start from a horrible nightmare with a start

An extra "with a start" in there.

More please!   big grin

Edit: My first TOTPD? Oh snap!  smile
Ol´coot

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #201 on: 11-22-2005 11:55 »

Ditto what Corvus said! Loved the description of Fry's emotional rollercoaster ride!

One thing though, please fix this:
Leela awoke with a start from a horrible nightmare with a start.  no no

Set ye Zapp in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten and die.

II Yosemite 11:15
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #202 on: 11-22-2005 13:43 »

all fixed  smile  How the heck could I have missed that?
Ralph Snart

Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #203 on: 11-22-2005 14:00 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Ol'coot:

Ditto what Corvus said! Loved the description of Fry's emotional rollercoaster ride!


And I loved Leela's emotional roller coaster ride.  That woman has a lot of self hatred...


Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #204 on: 11-22-2005 15:53 »

Oh man, i've run out of ways to express pleasure over a story. So i guess i'll just go with the tried and true: Yay Shippy!
Professor Zoidy

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #205 on: 11-22-2005 16:39 »
« Last Edit on: 11-22-2005 16:39 »

"Step two: kill the bastard who had dared to hurt her." LOVE THAT.  Anywho, your book'd be five pages longer than the HP script for the 4th movie. Good update. MORE!!! I COMMAND IT!  big grin
Leo

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #206 on: 11-22-2005 17:58 »

More is coming and it gets all fast and climax-y!
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #207 on: 11-22-2005 18:04 »

I can't take the suspense!
Corvus

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #208 on: 11-22-2005 18:07 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Leo:
More is coming and it gets all fast and climax-y!

Can't.. wait.. suspense.. too.. much..

AUGH!!  smile

"Finding your true love is like winning the lottery, it always happens to someone else."
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #209 on: 11-22-2005 19:05 »

zoidy: so you command, so it shall be  smile

Snart: Thanks!  I have to say, I think caffeine improves my writing style  wink

Venus/Corvus: just hang in there, more is coming!


Shiny

Professor
*
« Reply #210 on: 11-23-2005 00:12 »

Very sweet, but not cloyingly so...a good balance of practical and "Awwww!"

My only suggestion would be to eliminate most of the "recap" portion of the episode callbacks.  Fan stories have the benefit of not needing so much exposition.  Your best bet is to imply more than explain.

My review so far...four thumbs up!  Keep up the good work...
fryismyhero

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #211 on: 11-23-2005 01:29 »

Hooray for shippiness!  Hooray for suspense! 

Once again, great update.  big grin
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #212 on: 11-25-2005 00:34 »

Haha, I love the old "hit your head on the ceiling"-bit (I know I used it once in one of my own fics too).  It rings particularly true to those of us who have slept in the top bunk and now have a strange fear of low ceilings.

I'll disagree with zoidy about the "kill the bastard" line.  It's not easy for me to think of Fry as a cold-blooded killer.  His grasp of alien technologies also seems a bit advanced.  I mean, it is a fundamental assumption of popular fiction that anyone can operate any device they happen to sit in front of, but this is Fry we're talking about.

I liked it.  The slow plot-related action was well balanced by the character development.  On a wierd  note, I actually had a dream a few nights ago that I was writing this fic and was in the process of working out the inevitable Ivan/Leela enounter.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #213 on: 11-25-2005 01:28 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by DrThunder88:
I'll disagree with zoidy about the "kill the bastard" line.  It's not easy for me to think of Fry as a cold-blooded killer.

Where Leela is concerned i could see him going that far. If he found her and she was severely injured or even dead, i could see him losing all composure.
SpaceCase

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #214 on: 11-25-2005 04:31 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
 Where Leela is concerned i could see him going that far. If he found her and she was severely injured or even dead, i could see him losing all composure.
I agree that if anything happened to Leela, Fry would come 'unhinged'.
Absolutely.
But, that isn't the question. The question is one of 'would Fry become violent'? That is, violent to the point of killing?
Everything I recall indicates he wouldn't, but if you know something I don't, please: Convince me!
  wink
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #215 on: 11-25-2005 05:14 »

you bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard! *beating ensues*  And that was just for getting his arm cut off. And Fry has shown that Leela's welfare means much more to him them his own.
SpaceCase

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #216 on: 11-25-2005 05:29 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
you bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard! *beating ensues*  And that was just for getting his arm cut off. And Fry has shown that Leela's welfare means much more to him them his own.
It seems to me that "I'll kill you," was an expression of anger, and threat of retribution said in the 'heat of the moment', not an actuall threat against Zoidy's life. Fry is certainly capable of anger. Killing.... hm...  confused
Are you suggesting Fry might be capable of killing someone in the 'heat of the moment'?
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #217 on: 11-25-2005 09:17 »
« Last Edit on: 11-25-2005 09:17 »

No i don't really think Fry was actually gonna kill Zoidy, but it showed that he is capable of heat of the moment violence. I think that it would take a lot to get him to the breaking point of actually killing someone, but if Leela was in bad enough shape, if it was clear that she had suffered intensely it could be enough to send him over the edge. Everyones got their breaking point.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #218 on: 11-25-2005 10:21 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
...he is capable of heat of the moment violence.

In the heat of moment=/=in cold blood.  If Fry is already planning to kill Ivan, then there's really no "going over the edge."
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #219 on: 11-25-2005 10:35 »

The line was 'kill the bastard who dare hurt her' so as long as Ivan doesn't hurt her it's not really an issue. It seems that Fry is preparing himself to go that far if he has too, and even then it's a question of if he actually would do it if it came down to it. I'm just saying it could really go either way. it really depends on what state Leela is in.
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #220 on: 11-25-2005 11:45 »

whoa, that line was taken completely differently than I had intended it.  Fry didnt make any promuse to go off and kill someone in cold blood.  Right now he's as angry as anyone with a two minute attention span can be, and he's saying things that he doesnt neccesarily mean.  There's no way that he'd kill Ivan unless Leela was in mortal danger. 
Ralph Snart

Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #221 on: 11-25-2005 13:37 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by DrThunder88:

On a wierd  note, I actually had a dream a few nights ago that I was writing this fic and was in the process of working out the inevitable Ivan/Leela enounter.

Now when you say Ivan/Leela encounter, are we speaking of the inevitable fight that Leela will have with Ivan, or you speaking of a Ivan slash Leela encounter? (If so, I doubt that Fry will be invited)


Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now.
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #222 on: 11-25-2005 13:48 »
« Last Edit on: 11-25-2005 13:48 »

i'm thinking Leela wont be in much of a mood for an encounter of the second variety  big grin
Professor Zoidy

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #223 on: 11-26-2005 21:50 »

How do you say " Time to kick your twisted ass, Ivan" in Hungarian?  wink
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #224 on: 11-26-2005 22:43 »

like this: Idő -hoz rúg -a sodrott csacsi Ivan

yes, I have waaaaay too much free time  big grin
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #225 on: 11-26-2005 22:45 »

aaaaaaawwwwwww i was so hoping this was going to be an update! Stop toying with our emotions!
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #226 on: 11-26-2005 22:50 »

tommorow, I promise :-)
Professor Zoidy

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #227 on: 11-26-2005 23:12 »

You sure showed me... Now say it in German, you must...  wink Naw you don't really have to.
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #228 on: 11-27-2005 12:45 »
« Last Edit on: 12-04-2005 00:00 »

Here's a nice big update for you guys   smile  There isnt much more after this, so be ready for the conclusion which, like Brannigan's love, comes fast and hard.   big grin  Thanks to my ... oh my god, I have fans!!!  Anywho, thanks guys for sticking in there while I write this thing!

Part 4
Chapter 2

“Eight thousand one hundred ninety two bottles of Slurm on the wall, Eight thousand one hundred ninety two bottles of Slurm! Take one down, pass it around, Eight thousand one hundred ninety one bottles of Slurm on the wall!” Fry sang to himself to pass the time.  A young main sequence star, accompanied by a light sprinkling of planets, floated into the delivery boy’s field of view, and a light blinked on the console ahead of him.  The ship’s computer informed Fry that the particle trail he had been following intersected the planet..  The red head had found his destination.

Fry pushed the throttle forward as far as it would go.  A tiny green dot in the ship’s path blossomed into a disk until it filled the entire view port.  Fry put his ship into orbit and checked the particle detector.  The trail ended in low orbit.  “Well that doesn’t make sense.”, thought the redhead.  “How could the trail just stop like that?”  As if on cue, the answer appeared from beyond the planet’s limb.


Ivan stood on the bridge of his flagship, the Drakos, and admired the view of the planet below.  He had always particularly liked this world, Gillegyn 5, for reasons he didn’t quite understand. As often happened, the scarred man’s reverie was interrupted as soon as it began.  One of the bridge officers scurried over to his side, urgency plastered all over her face.

“Sir?”, asked the woman nervously.

Ivan gave her an irritated look.  He had been thinking deeply and was not in the mood for interruptions.  Not that he ever really was of course.  “This woman had better have a good reason for bothering me, for her sake”, he thought to himself.

“What is it Lieutenant Carter?”

“Sir, we’ve detected a ship orbiting the planet with us.  The identification signal lists it as one of ours.”

“Alright, thank you lieutenant.”  Ivan dismissed her with a half-hearted salute.

“Yes sir, but sir, something doesn’t seem right, if you don’t mind my saying so.  We weren’t expecting any ships to meet us here, and according to the identification signal…  Well sir, the incoming ship’s has been identified as your personal space fighter.”

That got Ivan’s attention.  He turned to face the officer on watch.  “Lieutenant commander Michaels, scan the incoming ship for weapons charge please.”

“Yes sir.”  Michaels pressed some buttons on his console.  His eyes grew wide.  “Captain!  I’m detecting multiple weapons active on that ship!  My guess is whoever’s flying that thing will be in range in 30 seconds!”

“Understood.  Lieutenant Carter, sound battle stations!  Raise shields and charge weapons.  Prepare to engage.  Fire all batteries on my command!”  The lieutenant hurried away to carry out her orders.  Red lights and sirens came on throughout the Drakos.

“My fighter can only hold one person, so whoever this is, he or she is alone.  Its probably that idiot redhead,” thought Ivan.  “He seems just the type to come galloping to the rescue by himself.  It’s a pity he didn’t bring all of his friends with him to be exterminated at once, but no matter.  The others will come when this cretin doesn’t report back to them.  Still, I was hoping for more time to perfect my plan.  Vaporizing my enemies in space is most unsatisfying.  Then again, being rid of him will be quite a relief.  I only wish that he could live long enough to see me torture his beloved captain to death”

“Sir, who are you talking to?”  An ensign stood a few feet away, eyeing his captain quizzically.

 “Shut up and fire!” , roared Ivan.


Fry could clearly see his adversary now.  Its engines were just now finishing their power-up.  The reason the particle trail had ended a few hundred miles from the planet surface was quite simple.  The ship producing the particles had shut off its engines so that it could enter a stable orbit.  Now the engines were being powered up again, probably for an attack run. 

It was not the same ship that the delivery boy had seen Ivan escape Talora in.  The scarred fugitive had merely used his little shuttle to escape to a nearby star system.  Once there, he had docked with his flagship, The Drakos, which had then led Fry on a cat and mouse chase across the galaxy.  The Drakos was bigger than anything Fry had yet seen in Ivan’s arsenal.  Much bigger.  It still had the standard stingray design, but on a scale that dwarfed Ivan’s other ships.  It measured over a quarter mile in length, and had a wingspan of over half that long.  There were at least a dozen decks.  Even more impressive was the armament.  Fifteen laser canon opened fire on the Minnow.  Six were mounted on turrets on each wing, three above and three below, and the other three were positioned under the bridge.  Fry almost shouted “cool!” at the sight of all those guns, until he remembered how very, very bad they were for his health.

Fry had started to charge his weapons as a precaution the moment the Drakos came into view.  He would only learn much later that the technology existed to detect weapons preparing to fire, and that this had been how he had announced his hostility to his unsuspecting foe. 

The delivery boy was now faced with two choices.  He could stay and fight, or run away with the proverbial tail between his legs.  The first option would almost certainly end in either The Minnow or The Drakos exploding in a ball of nuclear fusion, killing either himself, or Leela if she was being held prisoner onboard the other ship.  There was no way the delivery boy was going to choose that option.  Fry turned his ship around and kicked it’s engine into highest gear.

Glancing hits scattered off of the aft shield.  The rear facing radar showed Ivan steadily gaining on the Minnow.  Whatever fantastic engine propelled the Minnow through space, there was an even better one on the Drakos.  Running would be impossible.

In what the red head hoped was a daring and unexpected maneuver, Fry jammed the stick upward and to port.  The sky tilted overhead at an impossible rate, and the surprised redhead was shoved deep into the side of his seat.  By the time Fry’s mind had registered just how agile his spacecraft was, the Drakos was already in the field of view.  The sight of fifteen separate laser cannon firing in his direction terrified the poor delivery boy, until he remembered his mission.  Somewhere on that ship was the woman he loved, and no amount of firepower was going to deter him.  That said, Fry reminded himself that destroying the Drakos was not an option.  He would have to figure out to disable it… somehow.

A tone signaled that the Minnow had attained weapons lock.  Fry pressed the triggers on his joystick.  The result was fearsome.

A veritable wave of death and destruction arced away from The Minnow.  Railguns clattered, lasers pulsed, and microwave emitters sent cracks and pops reverberating through the hull.  Although remarkably fast when flying a straight course, Ivan’s ship could not alter its trajectory very well once it got moving.  The Drakos was meant for escaping from the authorities, not for dogfights with nimble fighter craft.  The full force of Fry’s barrage struck the Drakos’ shields before it could even start its turn.  The enormous stingray was momentarily hidden by an orange glow as the shields absorbed millions of kilowatts of energy.  A moment later the Drakos came back into view.  It was entirely unscathed.

The Drakos’ laser batteries returned fire.  Fry pitched and rolled in an effort to throw off his adversaries’ aim, all the while trying to set up for another good shot.  He didn’t have the chance.  The two ships closed at a breakneck pace.  The Minnow hurtled under the left wing of The Drakos, with only a hundred meters to spare.

Once again the Minnow executed a 180 degree turn.  Now Fry was in a position to fire upon the Drakos’ engines, and possibly disable the vessel without destroying it. 

The Drakos’ wing mounted laser turrets swiveled in place.  They had been placed above and below the wing so that they could face astern and address the aft blind-spot problem that plagued the smaller stingray ships.

Fry took advantage of the few seconds that he had been given while the enemy ship’s weapons tried to reacquire their lock on him.  He opened up with everything the Minnow had, but still it made no difference.  The shields kept absorbing everything that he dished out.

In a matter of moments The Minnow was back in the sights of the Drakos’ gunners.  Fry had to break off his attack and dodge.  A few lucky shots scored direct hits on the Minnow’s shields.  A flashing message on the ship’s HUD informed the redhead that his shields had been cut to 73%.  Fry gulped.  “Those lasers pack a punch!”

The incoming fire was becoming too accurate.  Fry had to throw off the gunners’ aim again somehow.  A little light bulb clicked on in the delivery boy’s normally slow brain. He pressed the throttle forward and shot past his quarry in a matter of moments.  He then waited a moment and threw his ship into another turn, firing at his target as soon as his weapons came to bear.  The delivery boy was no longer worried about destroying the Drakos.  The stingray’s shields were too damn strong to fail all at once.  The Minnow would have to pound the shields with everything she had until they showed some sign of weakening.

With the throttle at maximum, Fry was now able to fly around his quarry faster than its defenses could track him.  Shot after shot impacted the enemy’s shields.  There was still no visible effect but the redhead knew that there was a limit to the amount of energy that any shield could absorb.  That shield would fail, even if it took all day.

  _____________________________ _____________________________ ______

“Alright, enough is enough,” said a disgruntled cyclops, as the room reeled around her..  Leela had stoically accepted being locked up in a little room for hours on end, but this new business was just too much.  Until recently, her captivity had been relatively quiet. The lights had gone on a few hours after Leela had first discovered that she had been captured.  They alternated off and on at regular intervals to allow for some sleep time.  Food appeared from a slot in the wall every few hours.  All in all she was being treated fairly well.

Then all of the sudden a siren had gone off.  The overhead light turned from yellow-white to blood red.  Leela could just barely make out voices yelling on the other side of the cell wall.  A few moments later these sounds were accompanied by a dull roar and muffled thumps.  Every once in awhile the room would shudder violently, throwing Leela off balance.  It was pretty obvious that there was a battle of some kind going on.  “I wonder who Ivan is trying to kill this time?”
Corvus

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #229 on: 11-27-2005 15:18 »

Ohhhh.. Space battle! My favourite kind of sci-fi!   big grin

Great update!! 
Quote
Originally posted by SoylentOrange:
There isnt much more after this, so be ready for the conclusion which, like Brannigan's love, comes fast and hard.

Hope that doesn’t mean that either of the battling ships disappears in fiery explosion?!  eek

Can't wait for the next chapter!

AUGH!! THE SUPENSE!!   big grin   

"Finding your true love is like winning the lottery, it always happens to someone else."
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #230 on: 11-27-2005 16:02 »
« Last Edit on: 11-27-2005 16:02 »

Another cliffie???? I throw spiders in your general direction!


Nitpick mode activated: If Ivan's intentions are to torture Leela to death, why even bother feeding her and allowing her sleep time. Starvation and sleep dep are common torture techniques.
Corvus

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #231 on: 11-27-2005 17:14 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
Nitpick mode activated: If Ivan's intentions are to torture Leela to death, why even bother feeding her and allowing her sleep time. Starvation and sleep dep are common torture techniques.

Perhaps Ivan is an old fashion guy that prefers the Spanish Inquisition approach..
You know, like soft cushions and comfy chairs.  wink

"Finding your true love is like winning the lottery, it always happens to someone else."
Professor Zoidy

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #232 on: 11-27-2005 20:15 »

Awesome! Very awesome update! *appluades once again for the story'd brillinace and originality* You know what sci-fi stuff I like.. The kind that hits hard and fast, and mostly violence elements are present!  big grin
fryismyhero

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #233 on: 11-27-2005 21:34 »

 
Quote
Fry almost shouted “cool!” at the sight of all those guns, until he remembered how very, very bad they were for his health.

I nearly fell off my chair laughing at that for some reason.

Great stuff, and I love it how Fry's brain kicks in at the last minute!
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #234 on: 11-27-2005 22:39 »

@Venus: hey, who said anything about torturing Leela to death?  Ivan has other motives
Ralph Snart

Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #235 on: 11-28-2005 00:16 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentOrange:

@Venus: hey, who said anything about torturing Leela to death?  Ivan has other motives

 
Quote
"I only wish that he could live long enough to see me torture his beloved captain to death"

Ah, she got it from your own story...

That nitpick aside, great story.  But unlike Brannigan's love, will we be satified at the end?  flirt

I must say I'm interested in Ivan's 'ulterior motives'.  Maybe he has a thing for our resident cyclops?

And for the shipper in me, will Leela and Fry make up for that fight in the desert?

Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now.
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #236 on: 11-28-2005 00:42 »
« Last Edit on: 11-28-2005 00:42 »

Oh pshah! just because my story says it verbatim...  *looks around* Yeah that was probably poorly worded.  Ivan wishes that he could make Fry watch him torture Leela to death, but his plan sortof hinges on that not being possible...

will you be satisfied?  I hope so, but Im a bit nervous about it.  So far you guys seem to like my fic and I dont want ruin it at the very end.  My beta seems to think the ending is good, but we'll have to see. 

Im not gonna say whether Fry and Leela make up or not.  It would ruin the ending
Ol´coot

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #237 on: 11-28-2005 11:53 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Corvus:


Can't wait for the next chapter!

AUGH!! THE SUPENSE!!    big grin   



Once again, ditto what Corvus said! The battle is very well written, excellent stuff!! big grin

Set ye Zapp in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten and die.

II Yosemite 11:15
Arkan

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #238 on: 11-28-2005 11:55 »

This story is coming to an end? I don't want it to!  frown Although, of course, I'm dying to know what happens!

I really liked this update - I love Fry the Hero and I laughed a couple of times, especially at

 
Quote
“Sir, who are you talking to?”

even if it is kinda clichéd.

I eagerly await the conclusion - I'm confident you'll live up to our expectations!  big grin
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #239 on: 11-28-2005 17:05 »

@Arkan: Im kinda glad its coming to an end.  Writing it is taking up so much time and I feel like the plot has sorta run out of steam.  Ive already got a couple of ideas for a new fiction when this one is over though. 
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