a noob's first attempt at literature

[Reply #320 on:]

Good, good work, esso.  It was exceptionally good as a lead-off effort.  I don't doubt that your future stories will be even better than this one, but they won't have very far to go.

[Reply #321 on:]

Yes, an epilogue. You need one  Naw. Not really.. Really looking forward to your upcoming works of writing.. 

[Reply #322 on:]

thanks everybody for the kind words   . 

*edit* crap story deleted */edit*

After sleeping on it last night I decided that my christmas fic is a piece of purple neptunian slug.  Hopefully I'll have something better by monday.

[Reply #323 on:]

Aw, SO.  It wasn't that bad.  Actually, it was better than decent.  I liked the fact that Amy had emerged unscathed yet ended up suffering hypothermia from being buried under snow sludge - while in the PE hangar!

It's your story and your call, but it wasn't bad.

Now go to FF.net if you want to see some sorry stories...   

[Reply #324 on:]

yeah, I thought the intro was pretty good too.  It was what came afterward that was crapola.  I might even reuse that intro for something else, but we'll see...   

[Reply #325 on:]

yes yes I know, I double posted.  I'm sorry already!!

Anywho, here's part one of my Xmas Fic, and this time I mean it.  No more deleting stories after the first section is already posted, I promise!

Part 1
Phillip Fry sat contentedly in the lounge of the Planet Express building, watching tv with his best friend Bender.  It was a cold and snowy December afternoon in New New York, and Fry was thankful for a thousand years worth of steady advancement in the field of indoor heating.  Somewhere in the distance someone was playing Xmas carols, but the sound of the television drowned most of it out.  An occasional crash and string of Cantonese cursing announced that Amy and Leela had finally gotten around to putting up decorations in the smelloscope room. Fry knew that it was only a matter of time before one of them noticed that he and Bender were slacking off and pressed them into service.  Until then Fry intended to do as much of nothing as he possibly could, without working too hard at it of course.  Bender flipped through the channels without much enthusiasm, finally settling on the Channel Root Two News.  Morbo’s familiar green face appeared on the screen accompanied by a microphone and earmuffs.  The snow was coming down so hard that he was beginning to look more like Xmas legend’s Frosty the Bionic Snowman than a hideous alien monster.

“Well Linda,” Morbo was saying, “the snow continues to fall here at Madison Cube Garden.”  A clip of a man throwing dice appeared at the top right corner of the screen.  “Top forecasters are predicting a blizzard that could destroy all life on this puny planet.  Morbo’s only regret is that nothing will be left for my race to obliterate when our mighty space fleet arrives to claim its conquest.  We will smash you!  Back to you Linda.”

The view switched to the inside of the Root Two news station’s glass enclosed nerve center.  Linda, an attractive blonde human female, sat at the newsdesk.  “Heh heh heh,” she chuckled, “thanks Morbo.  In other news…”

Linda’s cheery voice was cut off with the jab of a finger to the television’s power button.  Leela had discovered her lazy coworkers.

“Fry; Bender, get off your asses and help me decorate the tree.  I shouldn’t have to do it by myself, and Amy can’t help since she’s not allowed near the rocket packs anymore.”  Last year Amy’s clumsiness had led to ten thousand dollars in non tax-dedutable damages while she was strapped to one of the devices.  Ever since then the intern was banned from even being in the same room with them. 

“Screw you meatbag.  Xmas decorations are for you gushy mammals.”  That was Bender of course.

Leela had learned long ago that arguing with her two friends while they were safely on the couch was a waste of energy.  There was a much simpler way to get what she wanted.  The PE captain rolled her eye and walked behind the relaxing duo.  She pulled upward on the sofa’s backside, sending Fry and Bender tumbling to the ground.  Now that they were in a suitably vulnerable position, simply towering over them and glaring was guaranteed to intimidate them into doing whatever she wanted.  The robot and the delivery boy responded to their captain’s glare with a mix of resignation and fear.  They got up and shuffled out of the room amongst a series of unintelligible grumbling.

It took a moment for Leela to notice what was wrong.  “Hey you two, get back in here!  The smelloscope room is in the other direction!”


No matter how many times Fry celebrated Xmas in the 31st century he could just never quite get used to the fact that pine trees had gone extinct.  Palm trees were just somehow not up to par with the blue spruces that he was used to from his childhood.  Still, as he partook in the age old tradition of untangling Xmas tree lights while hovering ten feet in the air, Fry had to admit that the palm tree in the PE building’s smelloscope room was starting to look a lot like Xmas.

The voice of Hermes Conrad boomed out of the loudspeaker that was, of course, mounted in the ceiling right above Fry’s head.  Fry’s hands instinctually went to his ears, which shifted his center of gravity just enough that his rocket pack sent him careening around the room.  He finally came to a none-too-gentle stop at the far wall and slid down to the floor.

“Listen up people, da professor has a package that needs deliverin’.  Everybody come down to da briefing room immediately.” 

Bender nudged Leela in the side. “I bet you ten bucks it’s another suicide mission“

Leela rolled her eye.  “Oh please, Bender.  This is the professor we’re talking about here.  Of course it’s a suicide mission.”

Planet Express’ founder and ceo, Professor Hubert Farnsworth, sat in the company briefing room fiddling with the holoprojector’s controls.  One by one his crew filtered in and took their places around the table.  First came Bender and Leela, followed shortly thereafter by a still-dazed Fry.  Amy walked in a few moments later, desperately trying to disentangle herself from a hopeless knot of Xmas tree lights.  Hermes re-emerged from his office, where he had gone to retrieve a few papers.  Zoidberg was the last to appear.  His white medical garb was stained with something vaguely yellow.  It would be better not to think too hard about what the blemish could be.   

When everyone had been seated, the professor climbed carefully to his feet.  Thankfully no bones broke this time.

“Good news everyone!” 

Bender leaned over to whisper in Leela’s ear.  “Aww crap, he said it.  Looks like we were right about the mission.”

Farnsworth continued to speak.  “Today you will be delivering a load of lead paperweights to the planet Auriga IV.”

Little alarm bells were going off all over Leela’s consciousness.  This mission seemed suspiciously harmless, and everyone knew that the missions that started out seemingly harmless invariably became the most suicidal.  It would be crucial to listen carefully to Farnsworth’s every word.  Danger lurked behind each syllable. 

A three dimensional representation of the ship’s future flight path swirled into being in the air above the conference table.  The cyclops quickly scanned the image for some key words.  None of the locations on the map contained ‘pain’, ‘terror’, ‘evil’, or ‘of no return’ in their titles.  Leela thought to herself.  “So the cargo and the route aren’t dangerous…  That leaves the planet.” 

Amy looked up from the desperate battle of wits between herself and a particularly fearsome knot.  “Auriga IV…  I think I’ve heard that name somewhere before.  Isn’t it some tiny little planet in the middle of nowhere?”

“Indeed Amy.  In fact, Auriga IV is the official capital of the entire Nowhere Quadrant, oh my yes…”

By this point Leela was starting to get really worried.  No obvious danger was a sure sign of impending doom.  “Umm, professor?  Don’t get me wrong, but this mission seems unusually, well, survivable.  Is there something you’re not telling us?”

Farnsworth dismissed the cyclops’ question with a wave of the hand.  “Oh fuff”, he said, “There’ll be plenty of time for suicidal missions after Xmas.  Now off you go!”

Leela always liked flying through space during this time of year.  The stars were like tiny glowing snowflakes, falling forever through an ocean of night.  She could almost pretend that she was sitting at home with her parents on Xmas Morning, watching the first nor’easter of the season from the comfort and warmth of her parents’ penthouse apartment.  Leela sighed.  That was just one more pleasant memory that, as an orphan, she had never had the chance to have.  Her gaze shifted from the hypnotic dance of the star-snowflakes and wandered aimlessly about the cabin, finally settling on the other two people that were with her on the bridge.  Bender was splayed out on the couch with booze stains running down his chassis.  Evidently he’d lost the latest drinking contest with the ship’s autopilot.  As the PE captain watched, Fry carefully maneuvered Bender’s right hand into a bowl filled with warm water.  The delivery boy noticed that his captain was watching him, and winked at her.  Leela rolled her eye.  She couldn’t decide whether to be more annoyed at the childishness of the prank or the sheer stupidity required to try it on a robot.  Finally she decided to just bottle up the annoyance with all of her other emotional baggage so that it could form properly into a brain tumor.  “Well, they may all be morons, but at least they’re my friends.”  And in retrospect, Leela had to admit that she couldn’t possibly ask for better ones than Fry and Bender.  They might not be the galaxy’s most sophisticated or mature beings, but they could always be counted on to be there when she needed them.  “And isn’t that all a family really is?”, she reasoned to herself, “a bunch of people that are there for you when you need them the most?”  Again the Cyclops sighed as the deeply sarcastic part of herself answered the rhetorical question unbidden.  “No”, it sneered, “that is what they call a crisis hot line.”

[Reply #326 on:]

           

[Reply #327 on:]

 

Fry carefully maneuvered Bender’s right hand into a bowl filled with warm water. The delivery boy noticed that his captain was watching him, and winked at her. Leela rolled her eye. She couldn’t decide whether to be more annoyed at the childishness of the prank or the sheer stupidity required to try it on a robot.

BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  That is such a Fry thing to do!  Also liked the brain tumor bit.  Pure class.

Only nitpick I have is that Morbo would be more likely to say 'we will destroy you' than 'we will smash you'.

Once again you have excelled yourself. 

[Reply #328 on:]

How many eyes does Leela have?  I only ask because she averages 1.667 through this section.

Other than that, great work.  I noticed a lot of references to the episodes, but many of them had a nice, new twist.  I am especially fond of "the Nowhere Quadrant."  I also like Amy's "light-or-death" struggle, the vision of future weather forecasters, and I am already driving myself mad trying to figure out what surprises are in store on Auriga IV.

[Reply #329 on:]

 

Originally posted by DrThinder88:
she averages 1.667 through this section

Heh heh, someone has too much number-of-eyes-calculating time on their hands...

Anywho, I loved it, sO!  I am as intrigued as an inquisitive owl about the mission and stuff and I can't wait for the next part! It looks like it's gonna be a great story! 

[Reply #330 on:]

@Thunder: damn that Microsoft Word grammar corrector!  Its one eye!  ONE!!  Stop changing it!!  Ahem, ok, I'm done fuming now.

Here's another update for your consumption.  I'm having a hard time trying to find time to work on this, so please be patient if it's not my best work. (Oh and Leo, I'm not sending this to you because I'm trying to get it posted as fast as possible.  No hard feelings man)  I just hope I can get enough time after work to finish this before Xmas...

_____________________________ ____________________
Auriga IV hung in space like a green and blue Xmas tree ornament.  It was a tiny little class M world in the very middle of the Nowhere Quadrant.  One moon circled high above the white cloud tops, which partially obscured an even mix of land and water.  There were two large continents, each an unexciting mass of low rolling wooded hills and large open plains.  Even Fry would have agreed that the place was remarkably unremarkable.

The Planet Express Ship touched down at the planet’s sole spaceport, if spaceport it could be called.  In reality it was just a large concrete slab with a few squat buildings scattered around.  No other ship was to be seen.  In fact, if it weren’t for the three people in business suits that were slowly making their way towards the ship, Leela would have begun to wonder if she had landed in the wrong place.

Leela ordered Fry and Bender to unload the ship while she dealt with the welcoming committee.  Bender, lacking a proper guilt simulator, but benefiting from a state of the art slack-off processor, lit a cigar and watched his best friend toil under the weight of box after box of the heavy cargo. 

Eventually the three approaching forms made it to the Planet Express Ship.  Leela gave them a quick wave as she descended from her ship’s undercarriage to show that she was the one in charge, and the lead figure returned the gesture.  The PE captain’s eye did a habitual quick scan of the three people that faced her on the tarmac.  They were humans; two males, one female.  All were dressed in standard business attire, uniformly and boringly gray. 

The taller of the two men, the one who had waved a moment earlier, stepped forward to speak.  “Welcome to Auriga IV!  My name is John Peterson, and this is Patrick Costello and Kelly Brockheimer.  We represent the Aurigan Department of Imports and Exports.  Since we were only expecting one ship today, I’m going to go ahead and guess that you’re captain Leela, of the…  uhh what is the name of your ship again?”

“It, umm, doesn’t really have a name…  We just call it the Planet Express Ship.”  In reality, the professor had intentionally never given his ship a name so that he would never have to worry about forgetting it.  “But, yes, I’m Captain Leela.  My two coworkers and I have a shipment of paperweights to deliver.”

Costello, the man to Peterson’s right, spoke up.  “Ahh yes, the long awaited paperweights.  Ever since the Ferrocian paperweight factory mysteriously exploded back in 2996 our economy has been at a standstill.  We tried using rocks as a substitute, but business just can’t carry on without a good supply of paperweights.”

“Oh, that is so tragic!  I hope this shipment will be enough for your people to get back on their feet.”  Leela couldn’t imagine the hardships these people must have gone through.  Life without whimsically designed chunks of lead to sit on top of your papers?  The idea boggled the mind.

This time Kelly was the one to speak.  “I’m sure…”  The sound of the ship’s cargo elevator descending from the vessel’s underbelly momentarily distracted the woman.  “I mean, I’m sure it will be more than enough to get us back on track.  We are all very grateful for your help.”   The words were said with real kindness and sincerity.  Leela found herself liking these people immensely, something that rarely happened during a mission for some reason.  “Probably because the professor sends us to horrible places like Cannibalon or Influenzia.”, she thought to herself.

The cargo elevator touched down on the tarmac with a teeth-wrenching crunch.  On the platform was a veritable mountain of boxes.  Fry sat hunched over the pile, wheezing for breath.  Bender was nonchalantly leaning against one of the chains that supported the platform, still working diligently on his cigar.  The three inspectors immediately walked over to the cargo, eager to inspect the goods.  Leela gestured for Bender to pry open one of the containers.    Bender grumbled for a few moments, but fear of pain finally got him to put out his stogy and rip off a lid.  The Ferrocians bent over the box in awe.  “They’re so… beautiful!”, exclaimed Patrick.  Bender leaned over to whisper into Fry’s ear: “What, are these skinbags, morons?  I’m 40 percent lead, and you don’t see them drooling all over me.”  Fry whispered back: “But Bender, you’re 40 percent everything.”

Costello and Brockheimer helped Bender and Fry move the boxes off of the elevator while Peterson and Leela dealt with the paperwork.  In a matter of minutes, everything was in order, and the PE crew was saying their goodbyes.  It had been a remarkably successful mission.  Leela couldn’t remember the last time that she had made a delivery without a single shot being fired. 

“Thanks again for the paperweights.  Our society owes all three of you a debt of gratitude.”   Peterson shook each PE crewman’s hand in turn. 

Fry gave him a salute and said dramatically. “All in a day’s work sir.”

Leela rolled her eye and gestured for her two coworkers to follow her to the cargo elevator.  She waved one last time and pushed the button that would haul the platform back onto the ship, wondering again at this perfect delivery.  Moments before the platform clanged shut, Fry bent down on all fours and yelled through the diminishing crack in the floor: “Merry Xmas!”

Leela sat cross-legged in the corner of the tiny cell, staring blindly into her lap.  Fry and Bender were on the opposite side of the room, betting on how their captain would manage to spring them loose this time.  Leela knew that It didn’t make sense for her to be mad at Fry.  After all, how the hell was he supposed to know that Xmas was outlawed on this hellhole of a planet?  Still, she couldn’t help it if she harbored a little irrational malice at the delivery boy for once again landing the entire crew in prison.  “And after such a by the books delivery too!  For once in my life I was going to go an entire day without something going horribly wrong, but nooo…”  Leela sighed deeply. 

All Fry had done was wish a few people a merry Xmas, but the response was more what Leela would have expected from a terrorist threat.  The three Aurigans, who had been so friendly a moment before, ran off screaming as though their lives depended on it, while a veritable cloud of police craft descended on the PE crew.  There really had only been two feasible choices: quietly surrender, or be vaporized where they sat.  Leela decided, after much thought, to go with option one.  Fry, Leela, and Bender walked out of the cockpit with their hands above their head, and slowly made their way down to the tarmac.  They were cuffed at gunpoint and carted off to jail for the crime of mentioning Xmas in a public place.

Eventually a prison guard walked up to the cell and opened the door.  He waited for a few of his heavily armed buddies to arrive, and then pointed to Leela and Bender.  “Since we can’t find any evidence that you two were involved in any kind of Xmas related conspiracy, you’re free to go.  You, on the other hand,” the man scowled at Fry as if the poor delivery boy had committed some kind of heinous crime, “will rot here in prison until your trial date.”  The two suddenly free PE crewmembers were manhandled out of the cell before they had a chance to react.  They were half led, half dragged down a short hall and through a metal door.  Just before the door clanged to, Leela heard a terrified Fry call her name.  “Don’t worry Fry,” she muttered under her breath, “I’ll be back.”

[Reply #331 on:]

This is really getting good, sO! I can't wait for more! I hope you get to finish it!

 

“But Bender, you’re 40 percent everything.”

Heh heh, nice! 

 

Fry gave him a salute and said dramatically. “All in a day’s work sir.”

Heehee, I can imagine that really well!

I liked all the build up and I love that Fry's in prison all by himself  I'm so mean...

But yeah, keep it up, sO!

[Reply #332 on:]

Poor Fry...

Nice x-mas fic btw! Hope you'll find the time to finish it before the 25th!

[Reply #333 on:]

[unit 2013] Poor Fry...[/unit 2013] I could believe people getting arrested for saing merry Xmas...It's almost come down to that now... Saying happy holidays instead. Soon, if the nation gets any more politically corect, people will get arrested for saing it... 7-7 Very nice story, soylent!   

[Reply #334 on:]

@Zoidy: I know, this anti-Xmas political bs that's sweeping the nation is getting absolutely awful.  That's what inspired this whole fiction really.  I toned it down alot from the originaly because I was afraid Id offend people.  (Auriga IV used to be Liberalis VI, and then it was Peecee 8)

@Arkan: I'm glad you like it Arkan.  Its good to know that its still good even though Im kinda rushing it.

@Nic: I hope I finish it too...  I'll have a couple hours every night from now through saturday.  Damn this UPS job getting in the way of my writing time!

(btw, hopefully there'll be a new update later tonight)

[Reply #335 on:]

Of course, I love the story too soylent  Doesn't seemed rushed to me....

[Reply #336 on:]

a quick little update, as promised:

Fry sat dejectedly in his little concrete cell.  This was not the first time he’d been thrown in the clink for some oddball crime that he accidentally committed, but he still found it frightening to be locked up all by himself.  Usually, when this kind of thing happened, his two friends were stuck there with him until Leela managed to break them out.

A guard came by and shoved a bowl of ambiguous gray substance through the space between the bars and the floor.  The delivery boy gave it an experimental sniff.  It smelled absolutely delicious, so Fry began shoveling it into his mouth.  “Oh man, this is so good!  It tastes just like that green goop I found on the professor’s lab table next to that bottle decorated like a pirate flag.” A bit of mystery-goop splattered to the floor and started to corrode the cement.

His meal complete, Fry leaned back against the wall and tried to take a nap.  “What a lousy place this is.”, thought Fry, “ Even the Roche Motel in Saturn’s rings gives you a concrete slab to lay on, and that place is run by roaches!”

Time passed.  When sleep didn’t come, Fry’s mind began to wander.  As always, it eventually ended up on the subject of Leela.  “I wonder what she’s doing right now?”, he wondered.  “Probably thinking of a way to save my ass, like usual.”  The delivery boy smiled.  It always made him feel better to picture Leela beating the crap out of a few dozen of his enemies simultaneously.    “I bet she uses Bender to bend open that door over there, then does one of those flying kick things to the guy that’s standing guard.  Then she’ll steal his key and bust me out so we can quietly sneak away.  No one will even know I escap…”

Part of the ceiling and the entire back wall crumpled inward with a deafening crash.  The nose of the PE ship plowed through the hole and came to a screeching halt tilted sideways at a 20 degree angle.  Fry was too terrified to react when the ship’s nose gear / forward entrance came down a moment later, so Bender was forced to disembark and haul the delivery boy’s stunned ass aboard.  Moments later the landing gear went up and The Planet Express Ship screamed skyward unchallenged..

“What the hell were you trying to do, kill me?!”  Fry was absolutely irate, though he didn’t even know that such a term existed in the English language.  “You almost ran me over with the ship!  It’s a good thing I was on the other side of the room, or my guts would’ve been spread around that jail cell like soylent green on toast!” 

Leela was sitting in the pilot’s seat, busily pressing buttons.  Fry couldn’t see her do it from his position behind her, but some sense still knew that she was rolling her eye.  “Oh please Fry, stop overreacting.”, she shot back, without turning around in her seat.  “There wasn’t enough time for some complicated plan so I tried something the easiest thing I could come up with.  Anyway, you’re fine and we got away.  That’s all that matters.”

Bender, who had been listening to the conversation from across the bridge, swiveled his chair to face Fry.  “What captain depth perception over there means is, she crashed the ship into the prison because she can’t tell a mile from a meter, and she’s really, really sorry.”

The Cyclops shot Bender an acid glare.  That damned robot got far too much pleasure out of making her seem imperfect in front of Fry.  Not that she was terrified of making a mistake that would diminish the delivery boy’s faith and devotion to her of course…  Leela clamped down on the little voice in the back of her mind before it could argue.

Fry stopped massaging a bruised knee long enough to look out the window.  “Wait a minute!  Where are we going?  Why do I see stars?”

“Well meatbag, my guess is that it’s either because we’ve been in space for the last 30 seconds, or you hit your head when Leela tried to flatten you with the ship.”

“But we can’t leave the planet!”

Bender and Leela turned to face him.  “Why not?”, asked Leela.  She sure as hell couldn’t think of a reason.

“Because if we leave now, that whole planet is never going to know what it’s like to have an Xmas.    Think about it.  They’ve outlawed the entire holiday.  That means no Xmas trees, no caroling, no presents, no feeling of togetherness…  Its awful!”

“And none of our business.”, finished Bender.

“Sure it is!  Xmas is all about helping your fellow man right?  Well those people need help and we’re the only ones around to do it.”

“Bullcrap” Bender retorted, with a dismissive wave of the hand.

Leela cocked her head sideways and just looked at Fry for a minute.  “No Bender, hold on.  You know what Fry,” she said thoughtfully, “you’re absolutely right.”

Bender and Fry exchanged surprised glances.  “I am?”  If so, it was a special occasion worthy of celebration, and Fry wanted to make sure he’d heard correctly.

“Yes.  Yes you are.  They threw us all in jail just for wishing them a Merry Xmas.  What kind of sick culture bans Xmas anyway?  I think its time we teach those Aurigans what Xmas is all about.”

“What the hell has gotten into you grease sacks anyway?  Don’t you remember the last time we tried to save Xmas?  My chassis still has dents.  There is no way in hell I’m going to be a part of this, no matter what Leela threatens to do to me.”  Leela walked across the bridge and whispered in the robot’s ear.  Technically robots’ faces couldn’t go pale, but Bender’s some how managed to nonetheless.  “Umm, heh, what I meant to say was, I’ll lead the way!”

[Reply #337 on:]

I know I haven't reviewed your stories yet, which was completely stupid of me as I've been reading and loving since you first started posting, but I might as well start now!

Irate comment was hilarious, as was the depth perception gag and the seeing stars comment. Oh, and I awwwed out loud when Fry started talking about how they needed to go back to share Xmas with them. How CUTE!!

I'm excited!

[Reply #338 on:]

 

Originally posted by EsSo:

Bender, who had been listening to the conversation from across the bridge, swiveled his chair to face Fry. “What captain depth perception over there means is, she crashed the ship into the prison because she can’t tell a mile from a meter, and she’s really, really sorry.”

Of course Leela's plans don't always work right, they just work.  I loved the crack 'Captain Depth Perception'; kinda like calling the Professor 'Captain Cataracts'.  Leave it to Bender to highlight somebody's flaws for all to hear and see.

 

The Cyclops shot Bender an acid glare. That damned robot got far too much pleasure out of making her seem imperfect in front of Fry. Not that she was terrified of making a mistake that would diminish the delivery boy’s faith and devotion to her of course…

Of course Leela would NEVER allow Fry to see any form of weakness in her.  Even though he aggravates her no end, she does enjoy the hero worship that he gives her.  If it weren't for the fact that he and Bender are so close, I have not doubt that Bender would have become a paperweight years ago.

Good update.

[Reply #339 on:]

 

“Oh, that is so tragic! I hope this shipment will be enough for your people to get back on their feet.” Leela couldn’t imagine the hardships these people must have gone through. Life without whimsically designed chunks of lead to sit on top of your papers? The idea boggled the mind.

Is Leela thinking sarcastically or is she really so deeply enthralled with the ridiculously mundane?  Either way, I'm terribly amused.

 

Even the Roche Motel in Saturn’s rings gives you a concrete slap to lay on

Concrete what?  Sounds painful.

The best part of this update, in my opinion, was Fry's elaborate escape fantasy being rudely interrupted by a much simpler, albeit effective, escape.

And I honestly did not see where this was going.  I was waiting for the paperweights to turn out to be something sinister or the Aurigalians to be monsters or something.  "Merry X-mas," brilliant.

[Reply #340 on:]

Yay, more story! More funny story! 

 

The Cyclops shot Bender an acid glare. That damned robot got far too much pleasure out of making her seem imperfect in front of Fry. Not that she was terrified of making a mistake that would diminish the delivery boy’s faith and devotion to her of course…

Yay! I loved that bit, of course!

 

Then she’ll steal his key and bust me out so we can quietly sneak away. No one will even know I escap…”

Part of the ceiling and the entire back wall crumpled inward with a deafening crash.

More please!

[Reply #341 on:]

 

Oh and Leo, I'm not sending this to you because I'm trying to get it posted as fast as possible. No hard feelings man

You bastard!

I kid, I kid. I also like it... and the rapid fire posting.

[Reply #342 on:]

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:
 the clink (I like that terms a lot )
  “Oh man, this is so good!  It tastes just like that green goop I found on the professor’s lab table next to that bottle decorated like a pirate flag.” (Just like Fry)

 “ Even the Roche Motel in Saturn’s rings gives you a concrete slab to lay on, and that place is run by roaches!” (even more like Fry and his puns..)

 escap…”
(bad errors! >3)

All of the Bender quotes were also right on the money...as was every other character.

[Reply #343 on:]

So I was hard at work in the back of a UPS truck today, trying to find a few stray boxes that had fallen off of the top shelf (what exactly does fraj-ee-lay mean anyway?) when I noticed that something was missing.  When Ted (the truck driver) came back from his delivery I was like "Hey Ted, where's our hoverdolly?"  He stared blankly at me for a good ten seconds before I realised what I'd said.  Think I've been watching too much futurama?

@Say What Now: I'm glad you like it   

 

Originally posted by Ralph Snart:
 Of course Leela would NEVER allow Fry to see any form of weakness in her.  Even though he aggravates her no end, she does enjoy the hero worship that he gives her.  If it weren't for the fact that he and Bender are so close, I have not doubt that Bender would have become a paperweight years ago.

Oh yeah definitely.  Leela would've ripped Bender apart by the second episode if it hadn't been for the fact that he was Fry's best friend.

@Thunder: I kinda intentionally left it up to the reader to decide whether she's serious or not.  It's funnier if she's serious, but it's also kinda out of character for her to have such a dumb thought.

Arkan:  There'll be more soon   .

@Leo: yus, the posting shall be rapid, even if I die from lack of sleep to finish this thing.

 

Originally posted by Professor Zoidy:
“ Even the Roche Motel in Saturn’s rings gives you a concrete slab to lay on, and that place is run by roaches!” (even more like Fry and his puns..)

what's this?  Did somebody actually get my obscure astronomy joke?

 

Originally posted by Professor Zoidy:
escap…”
(bad errors! >3)

Actually, that one was on purpose   .  Fry's thoughts get interrupted when Leela suddenly crashes into the wall behind him.  I just had to write enough of the word that you could figure out what he was going to say.


Thanks guys for the comments! 
_____________________________ __________

And here's another update.

“So, umm, what are we doing on Uranus again?” 

Fry, Leela, and Bender stood at their ship’s airlock, gazing out at a bleak landscape of ice and frozen hydrocarbons.  Mounds of ancient human refuse raised their mangled heads at regular intervals.  The temperature was slightly chilly for a midsummer day, barely creeping above 59 degrees.  Fry idly wondered what that would be in Fahrenheit and Celsius.

Leela groaned in frustration.  This was at least the fifth time that he had asked that question.  “Fry, for the last time, its pronounced Urectum, not Uranus, and we’re here to pick up some free toys.”

“And why are we looking for toys here?”

The PE captain turned around and was about to tell her friend what an absolute moron he was, until she remembered that he had no reason to know the answer to that.  He’d only lived in the future for a couple of years now, and the topic of Urectum came up rarely in everyday life.  Terrible, tragic things had happened in this place, and in general its name was not to be mentioned in public.  The topic of Urectum was a private matter, usually discussed with your friends and family, if at all. 

“Oh, I’m sorry Fry, I guess no one’s ever told you.  In the year 2873 the Earthican government set aside part of Planet Urectum for the storage and recycling of things that break or aren’t wanted anymore.  You can find anything here: hovercars, kitchen appliances, spaceship parts…”

“the ghosts of my ancestors…” added a very nervous Bender upon observing a small mountain of broken down, deactivated robots 

Fry tried again. “And why are we looking for toys here?”

“Because all the junk that people toss out eventually comes to Urectum to wait for recycling.  We can’t ask the Neptunian elves to help us since Santa would find out and kill us all, so we have to try our luck here.  There’s bound to be a pile of old toys around somewhere.”

“But that could take forever!  There must be… “  Fry counted his fingers a few times.  “There must be a kajillion piles of trash out there!”

Leela smiled.  “More like five thousand, but that’s why we went home to pick up Dr. Zoidberg.”

“Trash?!  Did somebody say piles of trash!?”  A giant red lobster burst out of the Planet Express Ship like a cork from a bottle of champagne.  “Oh joy!  What a day this is!  Tonight Zoidberg will eat like a king!”

“Hold on Zoidberg, you remember the deal.  First you find what we want, and then you can do whatever you want.”  “Just don’t think you’re getting back on my ship afterwards”, Leela muttered under her breath.

Zoidberg let out a warble that no human throat could match, and was gone.  Fry wondered what the chances were that any of them would ever see the Decapodian again.


The PE crew only had an hour’s wait before there was a knock on the hull.  When Leela opened the hatch however, she was surprised to see not one, but two figures outside in the snow.  One was a vaguely familiar, overweight human male dressed in greasy jeans and a buggalo-leather jacket, and the other was Dr. Zoidberg.  The human had the Decapodian by the throat.

“Does this belongs to yous-s?” the man called to the three people standing in the hatchway.

Although Leela was captain and therefore had the right to the first word, Fry was the one to speak.  It was quite possible that Fry was the only person in the entire universe that didn’t intensely dislike the alien doctor, and he knew that Bender and Leela would gladly use this chance to get rid of the Decapodian if they could.  “Yeah he’s ours.”

“Well yous should keep better tracks of yous’s things.”  The hand was removed from Zoidberg’s neck, and the Decapodian made a beeline for the ship.  No amount of free garbage would entice him to emerge again until he was back on Earth.  “And furthermores”, the man continued, “Yous’s lucky I’m so lazy, or I’d writes you all up for trespassings.”

“Uhh, so you caught Dr. Z and dragged him all the way back here, but you’re too lazy to..”

Leela elbowed Fry in the ribs before he could finish that thought.  “He’s so sweet, but lord what a moron.”, she grumbled to herself.

“What my friend here means to say is, we’re with that one charity, you know, uhh, Help for Starving Abandoned Children with Terminal Diseases, or something like that.   We’re looking for some old abandoned toys that we can give to six year olds with sonic diarrhea, do you know where we can find some?”  Leela desperately hoped that this man would be too stupid to too lazy to see through the load of bullcrap she’d just laid down.

“Well whys didn’t you says sos?”  The man’s face brightened, and he pointed off toward the ship’s bow.  “There’s a whole pile of thems over theres.  Helps yourselves, but don’t excpects me to helps yous.”

Leela thanked the man and half gestured, half shoved her friends back into the ship.  It only took a few minutes’ flight to find what they had been looking for.  Leela put the ship into hover over the mound and yanked a lever near her left knee.  A giant net deployed from under the PE ship’s fuselage and settled lazily over the pile below.  The Cyclops pushed a button.  The mouth of the net closed, taking a good many cubic feet of toys with it.   For what seemed like the hundredth time Leela found herself marveling at the usefulness of a starship mounted giraffe net.

[Reply #344 on:]

   

Originally posted by eSsO:

So I was hard at work in the back of a UPS truck today...

Dude!  I worked as a preloader for UPS when I was in college, uh, 20+ years ago.  Working for UPS as a loader will make you want to continue college, because the only thing worse than working for UPS is being in Bosnia or Iraq...

   

The PE captain turned around and was about to tell her friend what an absolute moron he was, until she remembered that he had no reason to know the answer to that. He’d only lived in the future for a couple of years now, and the topic of Urectum came up rarely in everyday life.

Leela can be kind and turn off the sarcasm when she wants to.  It's just that she doesn't want to, very often.  Kinda funny that Fry is her personal punching bag yet she feels like crap when she tears him down.

   

One was a vaguely familiar, overweight human male dressed in greasy jeans and a buggalo-leather jacket, and the other was Dr. Zoidberg. The human had the Decapodian by the throat.

Ah Hell, Sals?  That guy has to be the sorriest worker in the Sol solar system.  Just how many jobs has he held?  Or is he multiple clones? 

   

It was quite possible that Fry was the only person in the entire universe that didn’t intensely dislike the alien doctor, and he knew that Bender and Leela would gladly use this chance to get rid of the Decapodian if they could.

Well, there is at least one being in the universe that Leela treats worse than Fry.  I could see Bender leaving Zoidberg, but Leela's not THAT cold-blooded (but she may think very hard about doing it).

Another fine installment.  Jberges, Shiny, Layla and Venus now have some very stiff competiton from you.

(I would throw Kif and Kryten's names in there, but they seem to have gone into fanfic retirement.)

I find myself scanning to see your name - you update the most frequently.  I guess the life thing slows down most people.

I'm amazed.  You go to college, work for UPS and still manage to churn out stories of high quality fairly rapidly.  I am impressed and amazed by your talent, dear sir.

Have I kissed your ass enough today? 


------------------

[Reply #345 on:]

 

The topic of Urectum was a private matter, usually discussed with your friends and family, if at all.

  Good one, Chet!

 

It was quite possible that Fry was the only person in the entire universe that didn’t intensely dislike the alien doctor, and he knew that Bender and Leela would gladly use this chance to get rid of the Decapodian if they could.

Aw, Fry's so sweet. He likes everybody! 

Great update sO; I too am very impressed by the rapid churning out of fanfic goodness! Keep it coming!

[Reply #346 on:]

 

Originally posted by Ralph Snart:
Jberges, Shiny, Layla and Venus now have some very stiff competiton from you.

well, i dunno about that... but thanks 

 

I find myself scanning to see your name - you update the most frequently.  I guess the life thing slows down most people.

I'm amazed.  You go to college, work for UPS and still manage to churn out stories of high quality fairly rapidly.  I am impressed and amazed by your talent, dear sir.

ehh, I still have time for a life.  I only spend about an hour a day working on this, sometimes a little more.  One has to make room for parties right?

@Arkan: 

[Reply #347 on:]

Oh.. Beat me until I realize...  great update as usual   

[Reply #348 on:]

 

Originally posted by Ralph Snart:
 Another fine installment.  Jberges, Shiny, Layla and Venus now have some very stiff competiton from you.

Oh, pshaw, Ralph! T'ain't no competition! More like a mutual admiration society. Always great to have more writers around to leech off of... er, I mean, be inspired by.

I'm really enjoying your work there, SO, and I'll give it a nice thorough review once I've stopped focusing on my own work. (Meaning I'm trying to take advantage of Christmas break.)

[Reply #349 on:]

hi all.  It looks like Im not going to have time to finish my story before Xmas unless I rush it, which means it'll become a sack of crap.  But since I dont want to seem like a crummy empty-handed jerk, I came up with this instead!   
_____________________________ ______________
you all know the tune   

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus lane.

Smasher, Thrasher, all his reindeer
Pulling on the reins.
Bells are ringing, children screaming,
All are shaking with fright.
Board your windows and say a prayer,
’cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Riding down Santa Claus lane.

He’ll kick your ass then gun you down
and feast upon your brain,
Blood and gore dripping from his hands
oh what a terrible sight.
Cover your head and pretend your dead,
‘cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Riding down Santa Claus lane.

He doesn’t care if you’re a bad or good boy,
He’ll murder you just the same.
When Santa’s rampage is complete,
flames will light up the night.
Fill your hearts with Xmas fear,
’cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Well, here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Riding down Santa Claus lane.

He’ll come around when the sirens blare
It’s Xmas morn again.
Peace on earth will come to all
If we just survive the night
lock the door and block the chimney,
’cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

’cause Santa Claus comes tonight

[Reply #350 on:]

LOL!!!!!!

You just made my day Soylent!

Merry X-mas.

[Reply #351 on:]

heh glad to here it Nic.  Its so much fun twisting good wholesome christmas carols into tidings of Xmas doom and suffering 

[Reply #352 on:]

I will read it when I can get back on the internet.
Have you thought about putting it on The Leela Zone?

[Reply #353 on:]

Yay! Violent songs!!!

[Reply #354 on:]

@Lyons: yeah I've already sent it to them, but they haven't put it on the site yet.  They said something or other about the site having scripting problems...  Anyway, it'll be up there eventually.

_____________________________ ____________________
And so, after a trip to a 7^11 convenience store for wrapping paper and tape, the PE crew once again found themselves on the surface of Auriga IV.  This time however, it was Xmas Eve and there was a different kind of delivery to be made.  No physical goods would change hands.  No money would be collected.  No, this delivery would be in the form of a message; a message of tenderness, love, and peace.  Fry and Leela were determined to complete this Xmas time delivery, even if they had to use force.

The plan was pretty simple. Fry and Leela would stay with the ship and wrap presents, hidden deep in the cover of a palm forest, while Bender delivered presents.  It took a bit of coaxing to get Bender to fulfill his part, what with Santa Claus threatening to kill him were he ever to catch bender delivering presents, but Leela finally convinced Bender’s self preservation unit that she was much more dire a threat than murderous old robot Saint Nick. 

There weren’t nearly enough gifts for every house on the planet of course, so the PE crew would have to be content with spreading their Xmas time cheer to a single small town. Leela had had the foresight to pick an Aurigan time zone that was running more than half a day ahead of New New York City back on Earth.  The hope was that they’d be done in a couple of hours, and home with plenty of time to spare before Santa Claus’s customary killing spree made being outside tantamount to suicide.


Things started off smoothly, as they often did.  Bender crept down the silent streets with his load.  One by one he snuck, broke, and bent his way into houses, making less noise than the moon shadows that he cast ahead of him.  At each residence he left a few presents where they would be easily seen.  He took only enough swag to generate a minor profit, never relieving a family of more than half of its valuables.  Unfortunately, at house number twenty-six, Bender tripped a pressure alarm while bending the cover off of the family safe. 

Leela couldn’t believe it.  She was in court on Xmas eve, and if she didn’t get home soon, these xenophobic Aurigan assholes would make her miss Xmas entirely.  “Somebody’s ass is getting kicked for this.”, she silently promised herself.  She began scanning the room for good targets, and then suddenly remembered that she, as well as her crew, were presently handcuffed to a bench.  The ass-kickings would have to wait.

Bender had tried running from the cops of course, but the weight of his booty had slowed him down just a little too much.  It only took a few seconds of the ‘magnet treatment’ to get him to spill the beans on his friends’ positions.  When the SWAT team arrived at the PE ship minutes later, they were met with no resistance; that is, until they actually boarded the ship.  What had seemed a harmless purple-haired alien became an almost unstoppable maelstrom of pain and destruction.  A large percentage of the invading force found itself sprawled randomly about the PE ship’s bridge before Leela was finally overwhelmed.  Fry fought alongside his captain of course, though his hand to hand skills were mediocre at best.

Once they had been captured, the three PE crewmembers were hauled back to the same jail that they’d so recently tried to demolish, but they were not kept there for long.  Leela couldn’t decide whether they had been judged such high a risk that they needed to be tried right away, or if the Aurigan justice system simply didn’t have much to do at the moment.  Either way, Fry, Leela, and Bender soon found themselves pleading their case in an Aurigan district court.

Unfortunately, since Auriga IV was not part of the DOOP, it was not held to any standards of law and justice.  In cases as serious as open celebration of the Xmas holiday, there would be no defense and no jury.  The judge would simply hear the evidence that was to be presented and then make his decision.  Some might call the practice unfair, but none would argue its effectiveness in preventing crime.  Also, those who were caught criticizing the system were stoned on the spot.

There was a commotion in the courtroom.  The PE crew turned their heads around just in time to see the room’s rear door creak open.

In walked a tall, severe looking human with an even severer expression on his face.  His white hair stood out starkly against his traditional black judicial robes.  Fry doubted there had ever been a person to more closely fit the stereotypical image of a judge. “All rise for the honorable judge Theysall Gunnahang.”, called the Bailiff. 

The judge took his seat and banged the gavel, brandishing it as though it were a sledgehammer.  His eyes inspected each of the defendants in turn; first Leela, then Bender, and finally Fry.  The cyclops with the purple hair was obviously the ringleader.    She was cool and collected, and her eye openly challenged the old man’s penetrating stare.  He smiled to himself. “Well missy”, he thought, “we’ll see how high and mighty you are when I’m through with you.” 

Clearing his throat, the judge began to address the defendants.  “You three have been charged with committing one of the worst crimes imaginable, bringing Xmas to Auriga IV” A low murmur filled the courtroom.  It was quickly silenced by the gavel.  “In such cases, you forfeit your right to a defense, and to a jury.”

Bender leaned over and whispered in Fry’s ear.  “In other words, we are royally boned.”

Gunnahang continued: “Evidence will be brought against you by our top prosecuting attorney until I have decided that you are guilty.  How do you plead?”

“Not guilty your honor.”  Leela stood up to address the courtroom.  “We are outsiders here, and we had no way to know that celebrating Xmas was illegal.”

“Your honor, it is common knowledge that ignorance is not an excuse.”, retorted the prosecutor.  Though small and vaguely weaselish in shape, this man’s skill was not to be underestimated.  Leela had heard him boasting earlier that he was a senior partner in the universe renowned law firm, Burnum and Leavum, 
 
“The prosecution is correct, lack of knowledge of a law does not excuse you from the consequences of violating it.  Now that we have established your guilt, let us hear how guilty you are.  Will the prosecution please give an account of the events of earlier this evening?”

“Of course your honor.  While responding to a report of a break in at 4683 Dellaney Avenue, defendant Bender Bending Rodriquez was caught red handed with a sack of toys, as well as fourteen thousand dollars worth of stolen property.”  A collective gasp from the audience filled the room.  “Some minor, err, encouragement persuaded the robot to take us to his hideout where defendants Phillip J. Fry and Turanga Leela were apprehended amidst a pile of wrapping paper, tape, and those little paper tags that say ‘from Santa’.”  There was another collective gasp.  One particularly distraught woman began to sob quietly.

Leela had had enough.  “Now hold on a minute.  Would someone please tell me why any of this is a crime, I mean besides the part where Bender stole everyone’s most prized possessions?  What the hell can you people possibly have against Xmas?!”

Judge Theysall thought for a moment and then nodded.  “I suppose in this case it is appropriate for an explanation.”  His eyes scanned the room.  “Court historian?”

A greenish female of the same species as the Planet Express crew’s good friend Kif Kroker rose to her feet.  “Yes your honor?”

“Please enlighten the court as to the events that led to the prohibition of the Xmas holiday.”

The woman looked confused. “But your honor, I’m a court historian, not the regular kind.  I don’t know anything about history.”

“I said tell us the story of Xmas!”

“Uhh, yes sir, your honor.”  When her camoflauge reflex, which responded to fear as well as embarrassment, settled down, the court historian began to speak.  “In uhh, sometime in the 2800’s, the frien-“

“2801!” interrupted Fry.

“Oh, umm yes.  I mean, as I was saying, in 2801 the friendly robot company built a robotic Santa Claus to judge whether the Earth’s population had been naughty or nice.
Unfortunately, Santa’s standards became too high.  Ever since then, Robotic Santa Claus has turned Xmas into a day of pure evil wherever the holiday is observed, and prompting our government to outlaw it completely.”

Leela smiled to herself.  She had an opening.  “Ahh, but that is not the whole story of Xmas.  Way back in the stupid ages, Xmas was a time of peace and friendship; a coming together of humanity.  Even Santa Claus was a harmless feel good symbol.  There are some that say he didn’t even exist until we built him ourselves.”

Fry whispered urgently in his captain’s ear.  “Don’t say Santa isn’t real!  Do you want him to give us all lumps of coal for Xmas?!”

Leela just rolled her eye   “Anyway, like I was saying, there’s no reason to fear Xmas, or to forbid it.”

“But Santa Claus…” began the prosecutor. Leela shook her head angrily.  Why did these people insist on missing the point?

“Is unimportant!”  Leela finished her rival’s sentence.  “The message that Xmas tries to spread is of love and joy, not terror and darkness!”  Leela looked around the courtroom, challenging anyone that would meet her gaze.  Few did.  “Now tell me, can you really forbid the practice of a holiday that stresses love and fellowship with your brothers and sisters simply out of fear for one genocidal robot?”

There was silence in the courtroom.  Judge Gunnahang sat with his head resting on his fist.  The old man was staring at Leela, or more accurately, right through Leela.  At last, after what seemed like an eternity of silence, the judge came back from whatever mental realm he had been visiting.  He had thought long and hard, and come to his decision.

“Turanga Leela, your bold words have opened my eyes.” 

“Then you’re letting us go?” Fry asked hopefully

“Hell no.”  The gavel came down hard.  “I just meant that I was falling asleep, and captain Leela woke me up.  Anyway, since you’ve all clearly been brainwashed by Santa Claus, I hereby find you all…GUILTY!”  Fry gulped loudly.  “You are hereby sentenced to an eternity of hard labor on Karnlock, the smallest moon of Auriga IV!”

Fry perked up.  “Hey, that doesn’t sound so bad.”

Leela rolled her eye.  “It means forever Fry.”

“Oh… damn….”
 _____________________________ _____________________________ ____________

[Reply #355 on:]

'Theysall Gunnahang' 'Burnum and Leavum'

You almost made me shoot xmas cookie out my nose!

[Reply #356 on:]

Yeah, I loved the names too! 

I really liked this part. You mentioned Leela's eyes once but apart from that I couldn't see any errors. I want more! 

[Reply #357 on:]

glad you guys liked it    Fors some reason I was really tickled with the cheesy humor bug this time. 

@Arkan:  I used the plural 'eyes' AGAIN?!  Ugh, why do I never catch that?  You'd think for a guy with one working eye, and who uses the singular in everyday speech, it wouldn't be so hard for me to write it!

also, 500th post dance!  Huzzah!

[Reply #358 on:]

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:

also, 500th post dance!  Huzzah!

So what are you naming the Starship that you're the captain of?

U.S.S. Galaga is MINE (only 18 more posts to go)!

[Reply #359 on:]

We all know your works are genius, but, will you be posting another fanfic soon -not xmasy-? Nothing against the -in my opinion- best holiday ever...