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Venus

Urban Legend
***
« on: 04-21-2005 16:25 »

So yeah, umm. People have been asking for my story. So i guess i'll start posting it. Hopefully this doesn't turn out to be a big disappointment for everyone. I don't know how regular i'll be with updates. Even though i've got over 90 pages written i've decided i won't post an old chapter until after i've written a new one. That way i'll stay motivated to write which will guarantee that this doesn't become one of those stories that gets abandoned halfway through.

Special Thanks to my betas THM and Spacecase who helped a lot. And Layla and JBERGES just for being them.

Word of Warning High Drama Content. Think Lifetime movie-of-the-week. I tried to include humor wherever i could but i'm no JBERGES. So if you aren't big on drama run now. Run hard run fast.

Brief Summary so you know what your getting into. This story takes place during and immediately after The Sting. It's what was going on in the real word while Leela was in her coma.
_______________                        
                 
                 Sixteen Days


Planet Express Delivery Ship
4:16 pm
Day 1


As far as escapes go, this one hadn’t been all that bad. Arguably the crew had been in far more dangerous situations. After all, running away in terror was something the three main Planet Express Crew members, Fry, Leela, and Bender, were actually quite expert in. Get in danger, run to ship, fly to safety. They did it on a weekly basis. Sure, giant space-bees were a new one but the principle was essentially the same. But that didn’t make the crew any less ecstatic once they were safely on their way back home.

“We made it! We’re alive!”  Fry announced in relief.

Leela gently laid her newly-acquired baby Queen Bee in Nibbler’s nearby unoccupied pet-bed, stroked the insect once, and stood up.

“Burn on that old crew!” She said arrogantly. “The only things they did better than us were suck and die!”

Crossing his arms Fry regarded her solemnly. “Leela, we got lucky this time. But you should be more careful. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

She shrugged. “Thanks, but I can look out for myself.” Unnoticed behind her the baby bee unfurled itself and lined up for an attack. “Frankly,” She continued, “I can smell danger a mile away.”

“Look out!” At Fry’s sudden warning, right as the bee launched itself at her, Leela whirled around in surprise causing the bee to miss her by mere inches. With a startled scream she took a step back cornering herself against the bulkhead.

She had nowhere to go.

Without a moment’s hesitation Fry threw himself protectively in front of her earning himself a look of startled surprise. “You want her?” He growled fiercely. “You’re gonna have to go through me!”
This wasn’t a problem to the bee. It bared it stinger and accelerated on them full speed.

Under normal circumstances Fry would have gotten himself out of the way. Bravery, he was definitely not known for. And even though every self preservative instinct in his body was screaming at him to Get Down, he didn’t move. The love of his life was in danger and he would not let her down. Even if it meant his death. Which at this point seemed inevitable. But he stood and faced it head on. Doesn’t mean he didn’t scream like a girl when the stinger hit, but he faced it just the same. The stinger went straight through him like he wasn’t there and to his dismay he heard Leela’s cry of pain behind him. The stinger broke off and they went down together both out cold before they even hit the floor.

The bee, sans stinger, landed on its back and buzzed helplessly about. Seeing an opportunity Bender grabbed it and stuffed it into a conveniently located mini-airlock sending it out into the path of an oncoming hover truck. Satisfied he turned to check on his injured crewmates. Fry was crumpled on the deck with the stinger still lodged through his abdomen. Blood loss was minimal, the stinger acting like a cork, maintaining pressure and keeping his insides from moving around. But the blood he had shed showed up starkly on his white t-shirt. Leela hadn’t fared much better. She had landed in a semi-upright position with her back against the wall and her head slumped forward. The front of her tank top was saturated a bright red. Her injury didn’t seem as severe as Fry’s but she was bleeding a great deal more. Unsure of what to do Bender took hold of her arm, lifted it up and then dropped it. It limply hit the floor.

“Yo, Chumpette. You still functional at all?” He was met by an unnerving silence. So he turned and tapped Fry with his foot. “Hey Meatbag, how about you?” No response. Bender didn’t know or for that matter care much about human physiology, but he knew enough to realize they were in serious need of medical help.

“And once again it’s up to ol’ Bender to save the day.” He strutted importantly over to the captain’s chair and made himself comfortable. Engaging the hyper drive he floored it towards Earth. “The things I do for you guys.” He gave a long suffering sigh. “You two had better make this worth my while.”

For the life of him, Fry could not remember having been in more pain. It felt like his insides had been ripped out, set aflame and then haphazardly jammed back in. He wished he could just go back to being unconscious. Moaning softly, not knowing that the stinger was still inside him, he slowly tried to roll onto his back. This soon proved to be a Big Mistake. As he turned over, the point of the stinger, the roughly five inches that stuck out behind him, snapped off as his weight was applied forcibly jostling the length of stinger still within him sending a whole new brand of pain shooting throughout his body. He screamed.

At the sound Bender swiveled his head around and glared. “Hey, would you knock that off? I’m tryin’ to be a hero over here and yer bein’ distractin!”

Fry held his body as still as possible and took slow deep breaths trying to ride out the pain. When it died down to a more manageable level he finally opened his eyes. All he could see was the ship’s ceiling.

Okay”, he thought, “I’m on the floor. Why am I on the floor?

Before he could think about it further, he was distracted from his thoughts by a continuous soft gasping sound. It was coming from off to his right and something about it was making him uneasy though he wasn’t sure why. Wanting to understand what was happening he slowly pushed himself up onto his arms and looked down at himself.  At the sight of the stinger the memories came rushing back. Leela, Bee, Pain, Falling, LEELA!

“Leela?” His voice was hoarse and raspy, so he attempted to clear his throat and tried again. “Leela? You okay?” All he could hear was that soft little rasp. Slowly, trying to keep from jostling his injury he turned his head towards the noise.

“Leela!” She was lying in the same position she had landed in, propped up against the wall. Still covered in blood. Her breathing was dangerously shallow and irregular with a slight wheeze, like a suffocating asthmatic. Panicked, Fry forced himself onto all fours. Adrenaline surged through his body blinding him to his own pain.

“Hold on Leela, I’m coming!” He crawled awkwardly towards her and leaned himself up against the bulkhead by her side. Though she was unconscious, Fry was overwhelmed by the sudden urge to comfort her. He took her hand in his, and was shocked at how cold it felt. Greatly alarmed he instinctively looked down at her hand and gasped. Her fingertips had taken on a light bluish tint as her body slowly starved of oxygen. His panic growing, he looked up to examine her face. It was pale, almost to the point of being white and her lips had also gone bluish. Not knowing what to do, but desperately needing to help her in any way possible, he clamped his hand over her wound and tried to staunch the bleeding. But he was too weak to apply any real pressure so her blood simply oozed between his fingers. Slipping his free arm around her he pulled her down until her head fell gently onto his shoulder.

“Bender…she needs...hospital...” He rasped weakly, the sudden burst of adrenaline was wearing off and he was rapidly losing his strength.

“I’m workin on it.” Bender snapped tersely. “We still got about twenty minutes.”

“Don’t have…twenty...”

“Well, whadda’ya expect me t’do about it?”

“Ambulance?… Meet halfway?”

“Great idea! Glad I thought of it.” He made the call as Fry continued to offer Leela comfort.  “Okay,” Bender announced after he had hung up. “Said they’d meet us in ten.”

Fry turned back to Leela. “Didja hear that?” He whispered softly. “It’s gonna…be okay. Just gotta…keep breathin’...an’ everythin’ will...be okay.” She didn’t respond. But he hadn’t expected her to. He was just thankful she wasn’t in any pain and hopefully wouldn’t remember very much of this when she woke up. Which of course, she would. He couldn’t bring himself to think of the alternative. He gently laid his head on hers and listened quietly to her labored breathing.
_____________________


Be gentle! I have inadequacy issues! *Crawls back under rock*


The last time i tried to kill myself was about an hour ago. I jumped off this really tall building. But i ended up doing a triple backflip and landing on my feet. No one saw it of course, except for two little kittens and one kitten turned to the other and said "See? That's how you do that."
I

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #1 on: 04-21-2005 16:51 »

Well, Venus, good start!

To be cruel and critical; Bender was, perhaps, just a teeenie bit to unselfish, even for a situation were people seemed to be dieing around him. But; well written and well done, I will be waiting for more.

*Yeah, but you're using induction.
Gorky

Space Pope
****
« Reply #2 on: 04-21-2005 16:53 »

You have no idea how long I've been waiting to read this (and you probably don't care either, so it cancels out, right?)...

And I wasn't let down. That opening paragraph was just beautiful. Not because it was tense or anything (like the rest of this chapter)...it was just funny. It's sort of like a misleading beginning to this dramatic story...'cause, you know, it was jokey and what not.

As for the rest of this chapter...wow, that is some great writing, Venus. It's so tense. And luckily, you have Bender to break the tension with a few quips here and there (his last is my favorite).

Not much more to say, really. The writing was just terrific...I have to admire anyone who can write drama, because I can't. You, Layla, and (it looks like) Shiny can handle that department. It's not just well-written, but it's interesting to read. (For me, there's a fine line between well-witten and interesting. For example, I think that John Steinbeck's "The Pearl" is well-written, but it's not entirely my cup of tea.)

I also admire your idea of never worrying about your story dying, because of how you're going to update. I wish I had thought of that...

P.S. Is there room under that rock for two? The guilt of never updating is really starting to get to me...
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #3 on: 04-21-2005 17:06 »
« Last Edit on: 04-21-2005 17:06 »

I:  As for Bender's selflessness, he's a pretty touch and go guy about his feelings.  One day, he's begging Fry to take a dive in a fight to the death, another he completely loses his mind just by losing Fry as a roommate.  Either way, in this case I think he’d be willing to go the extra mile (times 10,000,000) to get the two quickly back to Earth. I mean, that’s where he was going anyway, right?

Venus:   So yes, a good start to the fic.  On first read through, I didn’t see any errors, sans some comma issues which are more personal preference than strict rule, so I won’t bring them up.  Your style is interesting, as your language fluctuates from informal to formal quite a bit.  Elegant, then choppy.  This is fine, and gives at a bit of personality, just as long you keep  voice consistent throughout.

Anyway, glad you finally got around to posting this, and rest assured you have a fan base waiting in the wings, and they’ll soon be wanting more.

Note to self: Never roll over onto the thing I've just been impaled on.  (wince)

EDIT:  Venus, that quote in your info is bothering me, because I can't remember who said it.  I heard it on Comedy Central Presents one night... help me out here.
NIC2001

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #4 on: 04-21-2005 17:09 »

Hey that was good Venus.  smile
Why did you waited that long to do it? Well you told us but if I remember right, you started to talk about this story almost 2 years ago. (maybe less)

Can't wait for the rest.
Keep it up.
Oh and you don't have to hide under that rock anymore.  tongue

Btw, "I" Bender can be very helpful in dangerous situation. (In Love's labor’s lost in space (ep4) Bender save Fry from falling inside the crumbling planet without asking anything back. So in desperate situation, Bender will not hesitate to be a Hero.

Bye for now.
I

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #5 on: 04-21-2005 17:32 »

You are right, of coarse, Nic and JBERGES. I sort of regretted writing that while I was still at it. Bender can, indeed, partially let go of his ego from times to times.

 And do come out from under that rock, Venus. Is it not a bit dark for writing in there?

*Yeah, but you're using induction.
Philp_J_Fry

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #6 on: 04-21-2005 18:00 »

Hooray, that was great Venus. Fry, Leela and Bender were all in character and there was lots of details, but not to much. The ending was great, I like chapters that end with lots of drama. Continue to write, stay away from your horrid rocks.
Ol´coot

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #7 on: 04-21-2005 19:19 »

Very good start Venus. The tension level is nice and high and your description of the events is great... I like your take on Bender - expecting to be paid for helping out is so BBR!

OT: What breed of cat is that?
say what now

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #8 on: 04-21-2005 19:49 »

Oh Venus, when I saw you had made your thread, I grinned my face off.

I've been waiting for this for a long time too, and now that it's here I'm incredibly happy, not to mention satisfied! I like your writing style- it's pretty. There's not a lot I can really say about this chapter since most of it was a recap of what happened in the beginning of the Sting, except it was more in depth and had a lot more insight, of course. I can say I really liked that. The part about Fry being the hero was great. I also liked how he was able to regain consciousness and offer Leela comfort and aid.

Ahhh, I love it already. I'm so excited to see more.
Shiny

Professor
*
« Reply #9 on: 04-21-2005 19:52 »

I love it!  I thought Bender was just right.  Fry was very much Fry.  Leela was unconscious.  I can't wait to see the rest.

Only one sentence gave me trouble, and it was purely from a technical angle...it was in the paragraph right as you switch to Fry's POV, the one that begins "As he turned over." It should, I think, be split into two sentences.  I got a little breathless reading it.  But that's all.  The rest flowed just right.  (btw, nice work on the POV switching.  That's not easy to do well, but you handled it like a pro).

Keep it up, babe!
Crash_7

Professor
*
« Reply #10 on: 04-22-2005 00:55 »

Very good start, Venus.  90 pages???  So far?!?  We're going to be reading this one for a while.  smile
swidzi

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #11 on: 04-22-2005 02:06 »

Venus!! Get back here!! Get out from behind that rock!!

That's great writing Venus... Can't wait to read the rest of it... And hopefuly I will soon, please??
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #12 on: 04-22-2005 04:49 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
 Your style is interesting, as your language fluctuates from informal to formal quite a bit.  Elegant, then choppy.  This is fine, and gives at a bit of personality, just as long you keep  voice consistent throughout.

EDIT:  Venus, that quote in your info is bothering me, because I can't remember who said it.  I heard it on Comedy Central Presents one night... help me out here.


Ack! Oh no! I wasn't even aware i even had a style! I didn't do it on purpose i swear! I pretty much just write the way i talk so hopefully it stays consistent. Although i wouldn't mind if the choppiness went away. Hopefully i got better along time.

Also i have no clue who my quote is from. I posted it as my sig over three years ago so i've long forgotten who said it.


 
Quote
Originally posted by NIC2001:
 Why did you waited that long to do it? Well you told us but if I remember right, you started to talk about this story almost 2 years ago. (maybe less)

Originally i was going to post the whole thing in one go but then i was convinced that that may not be the best way to go about it. And it's taken so long because i am an incredibly slow writer. It can take me hours to get just one page the way i want it. Which is why 90 pages in i'm still not done.


 
Quote
Originally posted by Ol'coot:
OT: What breed of cat is that?

That's my Anica, isn't she pretty? She's just your average run-of-the-mill domestic shorthair tabby. She's not purebred or anything, she's just pretty is all.


 
Quote
Originally posted by Shiny:
Only one sentence gave me trouble, and it was purely from a technical angle...it was in the paragraph right as you switch to Fry's POV, the one that begins "As he turned over." It should, I think, be split into two sentences.  I got a little breathless reading it. 

Yeah, that is a really long sentence. I could never figure out how to reword it so i put all the comas in to serve as breaks.


Everyone's pretty much talked the Bender issue out, what i was going for was that he wasn't really being unselfish, he was just seizing the opportunity to be the Hero who everyone says how great he was. Plus he expected to get paid. Also this is fourth season Bender who seemed a little more understanding of peoples emotions. Exp: rescuing Seymore from the lava, actually apologizing to Leela after deafening her, and trying to save them when they got crushed under the ship when he was wooden.

Anyway, i don't know when the next update will be, it'll be right after i complete a new chapter. I'll shoot for next weekend, but who knows.

Thanks for all the encouragement! I was so worried i'd get posts like "Hey! I thought this chick could write! Fraud! I want my money back! Bum rush the thread!"


The last time i tried to kill myself was about an hour ago. I jumped off this really tall building. But i ended up doing a triple backflip and landing on my feet. No one saw it of course, except for two little kittens and one kitten turned to the other and said "See? That's how you do that."
Shippy Mandy

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #13 on: 04-22-2005 23:32 »
« Last Edit on: 04-22-2005 23:32 »

Yay! You're posting your story! I'm very happy. It's looking really good so far...I hope you release more soon!

P.S.--Your kitty is very cute. I wish I could pet her.
David A

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #14 on: 04-23-2005 03:51 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
Also i have no clue who my quote is from. I posted it as my sig over three years ago so i've long forgotten who said it.

It's Steven Wright.
SpaceCase

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #15 on: 04-27-2005 14:19 »
« Last Edit on: 04-28-2005 00:00 »

Hey there Venus!
I'm tickled to see you're posting your fic.
I would've posted my congratulations earlier, sadly RL got in the way (including a computer that seems to have Ahltzheimers disease, or however you spell it *Sigh*)
Worry not, I won't spoil anything, I just want to see what everyone thinks of your story.
Keep up the good work!
<Zoidberg>
More.
MORE!
MORE!
</Zoidy>

@ The rest of you:

<Morbo>
SpaceCase DEMANDS you read and enjoy the young lady's story!
</Morbo>

*Ahem*
I'll... just... slither back under my rock now...   hmpf

Edited 'cuz I forgot something...
cujoe169
Starship Captain
****
« Reply #16 on: 04-27-2005 14:47 »

lol i just started reading and i thought, wait, she's just ripping off episodes... but then i got to the good part, keep up the good work  smile
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #17 on: 04-28-2005 01:30 »
« Last Edit on: 04-28-2005 01:30 »

So i didn't write a whole new chapter. I wrote half of one, but i'm releasing this anyway since the first half of my first chapter was mostly episode recap.


-----------------------

Planet Express Delivery Ship
4:47 pm
Day 1


“Sir? Can you hear me? I need you to open your eyes for me, can you do that?” The soft feminine voice was firm but pleasant, almost motherly. But all Fry wanted to do was keep his eyes closed. He was comfortable and warm. “Wait,” He realized suddenly. “That can’t be right.”  He wasn’t on the ground anymore. He was lying on something soft, rather squishy. And he had a blanket draped over his legs. He opened his eyes blearily.

“Leela?”

“She’s in good hands sir, you just worry about yourself.”

Fry blinked twice to focus his vision and saw the owner of the motherly voice for the first time. She was a four armed Neptunian paramedic who was simultaneously inserting an IV, taking his pulse and packing gauze around the stinger.

“Do you know where you are?”

“Ship.”

“Do you remember what happened?”

“Bee.”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Two?”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

“Two.”

She shined a small flashlight into his face. He cringed and tried to turn his head. Satisfied she turned to her partner, a green eyed, gray and black striped bipedal humanoid feline. “No apparent signs of head trauma, pupils equal and reactive. He’s ready for transport.” The cat nodded and powered up the hover-gurney.

“Wait! Where’s Leela?”

“She’s being worked on.”

Fry turned his head and looked around. He saw Bender standing off to one side, over by the observation couch, speaking privately to a third paramedic who was scribbling notes on a clipboard. Continuing his search Fry directed his gaze over towards the tactical station.

“No!”  He’d found her. A tall skinny human male paramedic had placed a mask over her face and was manually pumping oxygen into her lungs while a large burly guy set up a portable heart monitor. She was ash gray and looked like she hadn’t taken a breath in several minutes. She looked dead. Fry tried to force himself upright, desperate to get to her.

“SIR! You need to lie still!”

“But Leela! She-”

The Neptunian placed an arm on his shoulder and forced him back down. “There’s nothing you can do for her that they’re not doing already! They’re doing their job, now let me do mine.”

Defeated Fry dropped limply back onto the gurney. He couldn’t be more disgusted with himself. Not only had he been unable to prevent her from being hurt in the first place he had been unable to take the steps needed to keep her going until help arrived. The whole time he had been unconscious she had been quietly suffocating. Right there on his shoulder. He had failed her. Twice. “Not like I should be surprised or nothin.”  He thought bitterly. “I always let her down. Why should now be any different?

Desolately, Fry kept his eyes on her as they were both loaded into the same ambulance. As far as he could figure, Bender was going to take the ship back to Planet Express and tell the others what had happened. They would probably meet them at the hospital. And then he would have to tell them exactly how he had failed her. Perfect. Deeply ashamed he sighed and looked towards the ceiling. This easily had the potential to become the absolute worst day of his life.

“We lost her pulse, she’s coding!”

Fry didn’t know what ‘coding’ was, but he damn sure knew what ‘we lost her pulse’ meant. Disbelieving he snapped his focus back to her. The scrawny guy was charging a pair of what looked like defibrillator paddles while the larger man roughly began chest compressions.

“Leela, no...” Fry moaned. She would be so horrified if she knew he was seeing her like this. Helpless, her shirt torn open while some strange man she didn’t know forcefully pounded on her chest. It made him feel like a voyeur but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. It was his fault she was in this position, it was the least he could do to suffer it with her.

Once charged the defib paddles were handed over to the paramedic doing the compressions. He placed them on her chest. “Clear!” The following jolt caused Leela’s body to arc violently and land with a dull thud. Other than that there was no effect.

“Come on Leela! You’re stronger than that!” Fry called desperately. The paramedics readied for another try, barking orders to each other and injecting her with various stimulants. Before Fry could see what they did next the Neptunian working on him stepped into his line of vision, blocking Leela from his sight. Frustrated Fry placed his hand on her hip and weakly tried to force her out of his way.

Sir! May I remind you that you have a three foot stinger sticking out of you that I’m still trying to deal with? You need to stay still so we can prevent you from bleeding to death!”

“Don’t care.” He stated numbly, never looking up. “Don’t wan’ta live if she doesn’t.”

The Neptunian must have found his declaration somewhat romantic. Though she started working on him again, she seemed to consciously try to keep herself from blocking his view. She stepped out of his way just in time for him to catch the second electrical shock. Leela’s body jerked as before, her arm sliding off of the gurney to hang limply towards the ground. Once again there was no effect, her heart monitor still screaming accusingly. Fully expecting the worst, Fry began to sob painfully. He’d always assumed she would be around forever but now it seemed he’d lost her for good. Praying for a miracle he held his breath as the paramedic gave it one more try. She jerked, there was silence, and then…

“I got a pulse, she’s back!”

Elated, Fry’s tears of anguish quickly became tears of immeasurable relief. She still wasn’t breathing on her own, she needed the paramedic to do it for her, but as long as she had a heartbeat she still had a chance. And she was able to maintain that heartbeat the rest of the way to Taco Bellevue Hospital. While being hovered out of the ambulance and into the emergency room their gurneys happened to pass close enough for Fry to reach out and grab Leela’s hand. Before they were taken off in separate directions he gave it a loving squeeze and hoped to God he would be seeing her again.

----------------------------

Kinda sappy but hey, watcha gonna do?
I

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #18 on: 04-28-2005 02:23 »

Yay, sappy! And Leela is alive! Pretty please write us more...
NIC2001

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #19 on: 04-28-2005 14:07 »

Wow, that was great. (You can go wrong with me Venus. The sting is my favorite episode.  smile

Keep it up Venus.


David A

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #20 on: 04-28-2005 16:33 »

 
Quote
bipedal humanoid

Isn't that unnecessarily redundant?
Gorky

Space Pope
****
« Reply #21 on: 04-28-2005 16:36 »

That was just...wow, Venus--I don't know what to say (and believe me...that's rare).

I wouldn't necessarily call this last part sappy (it was dramatic and shippy and all, but I wouldn't classify it in that saccharine/sappy group...dealie--'cause I really liked it), but you definitely drew me into the story. Which is good, 'cause I love a story that can make me...like...care what happens next and stuff.

Anyway, I love how utterly hopeless Fry is right here. What I mean is, he's desperate and concerned and all...Fry-like, you know. Okay, words don't want to make sense for me right now...just know that I thought you wrote Fry and his desperation really well here.

And, uh, I'm gonna let my shippy side win right here, and quote this little bit...

 
Quote
“Don’t care.” He stated numbly, never looking up. “Don’t wan’ta live if she doesn’t.”

Great line. And, again, it fits in with Fry's character--his devotion to Leela.

So, I guess that's about it. This is really shaping up to be a great story so far. Can't wait for your next update. Too happy to form complete sentences. Need pudding.

Uh, yeah, that's it.

Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #22 on: 04-28-2005 16:39 »
« Last Edit on: 04-28-2005 16:39 »

Not really. Bipedal just means walking on two legs. A duck is bidedal.

Edit: Awww poor Gorky. Give the girl some pudding. With sprinkles. Shaped like kittens.
Shippy Mandy

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #23 on: 04-28-2005 16:45 »

Yay! Drama! I loved this chapter, Venus...have a trophy. (By the way...was the humanoid cat person based off of one of your kitties, by any chance?)

Oh, and if you stop updating, I may have to poke you repeatedly with my Morris dancing stick. It's not sharp, though.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #24 on: 04-28-2005 16:48 »

Ack! Not the dancing stick! Anything but the dancing stick! And yes the paramedic is based on her     

v


The last time i tried to kill myself was about an hour ago. I jumped off this really tall building. But i ended up doing a triple backflip and landing on my feet. No one saw it of course, except for two little kittens and one kitten turned to the other and said "See? That's how you do that."
David A

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #25 on: 04-28-2005 16:51 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
Not really. Bipedal just means walking on two legs. A duck is bipedal.

Yeah, but humanoid implies bipedal, so you could have just said humanoid; just like I could have just said redundant, instead of unnecessarily redundant.  It's not really important.  I was just nitpicking.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #26 on: 04-28-2005 16:55 »

Pfft. You're just jealous cause i have Chocolate Lucky Charms and you don't.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #27 on: 04-28-2005 16:57 »

Isn't that just Count Chocula?

*real review coming soon!*
Gorky

Space Pope
****
« Reply #28 on: 04-28-2005 17:00 »
« Last Edit on: 04-28-2005 17:00 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
Edit: Awww poor Gorky. Give the girl some pudding. With sprinkles. Shaped like kittens.

Your concern touches me, Venus. Although I realize that I didn't specify what flavor of pudding I want. I'm thinking something along the lines of tapioca--mostly because I think it sounds funny (the word...not the pudding itself).

Eh, forget it. Perfectly articulated requests for food just don't work as well as the good ol' pathetic "Will dance for puddin'" signs, huh?

David A

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #29 on: 04-28-2005 17:41 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
Pfft. You're just jealous cause i have Chocolate Lucky Charms and you don't.

I quit eating Lucky Charms because they wouldn't stop changing the marshmellows around.  I mean, I liked it when they added the purple horseshoes, and I didn't really mind the red baloons (what's lucky about baloons?), but after that it just got crazy.  I can't even sing the song anymore.

I have some Cheerios, but sometimes I wonder if they're called Hellos in England.
AsaB

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #30 on: 04-28-2005 19:46 »

Lucky Charms? Ew. [/random]

I've been waiting for a long for this, Venus! And, even with my high expectations, you didn't let me down. You write very well and I especially like your Fry. You know, the way you write him. And I agree with Gorky, the shipper in me got very happy over that hopeless, although cute, quote. In short, loved it! Looking forward to the rest  big grin
Layla50

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #31 on: 04-28-2005 21:09 »

Perhaps you are wondering, dear Venus, why I have not yet responded to this thread. Perhaps you are wondering why I am typing in a calm British accent, now that you know I am.

Well, in the first instance, I have been staring longingly at this thread since first I saw it up some time ago. However, I knew that I would go into obsessive delirious fantasmagorical joy upon reading it and I still had to go to school and act professional. The shakes would have given me away. So, in a supreme act of will, I did not read your story until oh, 15 minutes ago.

This brings me to the calm British accent. There are not enough E's in the word Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee (ad infinitum) to fully express my personal mental state at present. To help my fragile mind survive the tsunami of ecstasy I must be calm... and British-ish.

If I were to quote everything I loved, everything would be quoted, and how I wish I was exaggerating. I have decided to resign my writing efforts save where they are dedicated to rapturous praise of this masterpiece in progress. It is only fair to warn you, that if you do not finish your story, I will track you down and chain you to your computer, then I will plead in the most whiny voice imaginable for continuation until I am no longer able to continue.

Your writing style is fabulous, I think. I am in a shippy addled state at the moment and find myself unable to think critically. (Deep breaths) Right. Enough of the babbling, on to the raving.

Quote
Originally posted by wonderful Venus:
So yeah, umm. People have been asking for my story. So i guess i'll start posting it. Hopefully this doesn't turn out to be a big disappointment for everyone.

(Insert derisive noise here)

Word of Warning High Drama Content.
Mmmmm....dramaliscious...

                 
                 Sixteen Days

Oh my gosh! It has a title!! Whee!
The intro is gold. Light-hearted, yet exciting. It's the perfect moment to start your fic, and it's beautifully done.

She had nowhere to go.

First swoon of the fic. I'm going to spend a lot of time drooling on the ground this year methinks. The cornering is such a nice touch. I know it's just what happens, but pointing it out makes it rock.

Without a moment’s hesitation Fry threw himself protectively in front of her earning himself a look of startled surprise. “You want her?” He growled fiercely. “You’re gonna have to go through me!”

Ooh, hot flash! Growling fiercely?! Yeah, baby!

This wasn’t a problem to the bee. It bared it stinger and accelerated on them full speed.

Heh. I love that bee! I won't keep doing this, I swear... but I can't seem to stop!

The next paragraph is incredible, sooo incredible. Oh, gosh, I'm giddy! The juxtaposition of what Fry would normally do and what he'd do for Leela is very effective. Then you stick in:

Doesn’t mean he didn’t scream like a girl when the stinger hit, but he faced it just the same.

I don't know why, but sentences like this, as funny as they are, actually heighten the drama too. I guess it's just the truth of the characters coming out, making it so... real.

The stinger went straight through him like he wasn’t there

And then you make that gallant effort completely useless, like Fry wasn't there.
Gorgeous.

Loved the "conveniently located" mini airlock. It's a fun description and so true.
So is the stinger as cork line. Mmmmm, gruesome. You've really handled the medical stuff well. (I needs must follow you example in this area without doubt.)
 
I loved your Bender writing throughout this, particularly, "Chumpette", and his technological talk. Even in a crisis, he's Bender, baby.

The Pain paragraph is so well written and I particularly loved the Big Mistake capitalisation. I've loved this part since I first read it as one of those teases you posted earlier. (I love you) Also, love the "whole new brand of pain" phraseology.

Leela's soft gasps... I have no words for how profoundly they hit me, except perhaps the phrase velour slegdehammer.
The set up of having Fry notice the sound without recognizing its significance is brilliant writing. And then Fry forgets all about the pain because of the brief adrenaline surge. What's another word for beautiful? Him, maybe precious or timeless would work here.


But he was too weak to apply any real pressure so her blood simply oozed between his fingers. Slipping his free arm around her he pulled her down until her head fell gently onto his shoulder.

Fry's attempt to help and his helpless weakness is just too profound. Yeah, I said profound about a shippy fic. Sue me! (well, don't actually)

“Don’t have…twenty...”

This line is different from the original version (I didn't look it up, I remembered... isn't that scary?). And it's certainly more realistic then the original. It really plays up Fry's weakness. I still loved the original line though... something about the "I don't have twenty minutes" is so despairing.

Yay for Fry's good idea! He can think, when he has enough impetus.

Okay, so I'll review the next part soon, but I want to work on my own story a bit before I crash. (I need to weep over the inadequacies). I also want to catch up on all the fic writing going on here lately. Poor Gorky and JBERGES... it's been forever since I've said anything, and I've still not responded to several others at all. (Bad Layla! For shame!)

Good, Venus... very, very good.  love
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #32 on: 04-28-2005 21:58 »

Yay! Layla read my story and still likes me! *Rolls around in a pile of kittens*

You're right about my changing that line. I'm surprised you rememebred that without checking. I changed it cause my beta said it would be more realistic which he was right. Yay beta readers! And yay for you updating!
say what now

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #33 on: 04-28-2005 23:15 »

Oh my God I'm gonna DIIEEE!!

That was really beautiful. There were some lines that really struck me, so I'm gonna point them out.

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
Defeated Fry dropped limply back onto the gurney. He couldn’t be more disgusted with himself. Not only had he been unable to prevent her from being hurt in the first place he had been unable to take the steps needed to keep her going until help arrived. The whole time he had been unconscious she had been quietly suffocating. Right there on his shoulder. He had failed her.

This whole piece was really good. I especially liked "Right there on his shoulder." Something about it makes it hit home so much harder.

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
The following jolt caused Leela’s body to arc violently and land with a dull thud.

I thought your imagery was really good here. Makes me want to wince.

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
“Don’t care.” He stated numbly, never looking up. “Don’t wan’ta live if she doesn’t.”

The perfect line, of course   big grin . It was sadly romantic. I like how the nurse thought so too.

 
Quote
Originally posted by Venus:
Once again there was no effect, her heart monitor still screaming accusingly.

Oh man, such a good line. I don't even know how to explain it. It just gives off a really sad and shame-invoking atmosphere. Aggghhhh.

And of course the last line is perfect too... it was nice having them hold hands before being separated. I really, really liked this.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #34 on: 04-28-2005 23:47 »
« Last Edit on: 04-29-2005 00:00 »

Layla can boost an ego like no other, she’s such a loving responder...

   
Quote
“I always let her down. Why should now be any different?”
I think... I think this emotion was conveyed well enough without him out and saying it to himself.  That’s just my opinion. 

   
Quote
They would probably meet them at the hospital. And then he would have to tell them exactly how he had failed her. Perfect.
 
Quote
“We lost her pulse, she’s coding!”

Fry didn’t know what ‘coding’ was, but he damn sure knew what ‘we lost her pulse’ meant.
These lines worked extremely well, however.  Very well done.  Other than my one little nitpick, this has all been great. 

   
Quote
Once again there was no effect, her heart monitor still screaming accusingly.
Also, high quality metaphors are a plus.

Keep up the good work, Venus.

   
Quote
*Rolls around in a pile of kittens*
Just... no suitable comment...  tongue

EDIT:  "Steven Wright"  Thanks, David!


------------------
Brevity is the soul of
Shippy Mandy

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #35 on: 04-30-2005 15:40 »

I don't usually eat Lucky Charms.  My two favorite cereals are Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Cinnamon Life.

Also, why is it that the "marshmallows" in Lucky Charms don't taste like marshmallows?
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #36 on: 04-30-2005 16:03 »

i think the marshmallows are really just really tightly compacted powder. But i think they're yummier than normal marshmallows.
Shippy Mandy

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #37 on: 04-30-2005 21:55 »

Good point...they are really good. I wouldn't say they're better than normal marshmallows, though. You can set normal marshmallows on fire and the outside gets all gross and burned, but the inside gets goopy and nice. (Setting marshmallows on fire is the best thing about camping trips. Anyone who says otherwise is WRONG.)

Back on topic...do you have any idea when the next update will be?
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #38 on: 04-30-2005 22:13 »

i'm aiming for next weekend although it may be sooner depending on how much i get written.
SpaceCase

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #39 on: 05-01-2005 07:21 »

@ Layla50:
Soooo... you liked it then?  smile
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