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Author Topic: You're The Star  (Read 398 times)
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OC_James

Liquid Emperor
**
« on: 08-11-2003 01:31 »

Since George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg have taking it upon themselves to alter some of their classic hits and not counting all the other classics now being altered digitally, I thought I'd make a slight change to the worst Star Wars movie ,Episode One: The Phantom Menace. I replaced Obi-wan with myself and I have changed all of Obi-wan's lies into something I would say. I have not changed anyone else's lines and have not given myself any extra parts. Insert yourself into your favorite or least favorite movies and post 'em here. Try and keep them short. I'm not posting the entire movie, just the beginning and finally, yes I did remove the "In a Galaxy Far Away" introduction. Not because I didn't like it, but the thing's long enough.

PAN DOWN to reveal a small space cruiser heading TOWARD CAMERA
at great speed. PAN with the cruiser as it heads toward the
beautiful green planet of Naboo, which is surrounded by
hundreds of Trade Federation battleships.

INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT

In the cockpit of the cruise, the CAPTAIN and PILOT maneuver
closer to one of the battleships.

QUI-GON (O.S.)
Captain.

The Captain turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.
                                     

CAPTAIN
Yes, sir.

The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a
Neimoidian trade viceroy, waits for a reply.

CAPTAIN
With all due respect for the Trade
Federation, the Ambassadors for the
Supreme Chancellor wish to board
immediately.

     NUTE
                        Yes, yes, of coarse...ahhh...as you
                         know, our blockade is perfectly legal,
                         and we'd be happy to recieve the
                         Ambassador...Happy to.

               The screen goes black. Out the cockpit window, the sinister
               battleship looms ever closer.

               EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE (FX)

               The small space cruiser docks in the enormous main bay of
               the Federation battleship.

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE

               A PROTOCOL DROID, TC-14, waits at the door to the docking
               bay. Two WORKER DROIDS, PK-4 and EG-9 watch.

                                     PK-4
                         They must be important if the Viceroy
                         sent one of those useless protocol
                         gearheads to greet them.

               The door opens, and the Republic cruiser can be seen in the
               docking bay.  Two darkly robed figures are greeted by TC-14.

                                     TC-14
                         I'm TC-14 at your service. This way,
                         please.

               They move off down the hallway.

                                     EG-9
                         A Republic cruiser! That's
                         trouble...don't you think?

                                     PK-4
                         I'm not made to think.

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

               A door slides open, and the two cloaked shapes are led PAST
               CAMERA into the formal conference room by TC-14.

                                     TC-14
                         I hope you honoured sirs with the
                         most comfortable here. My master
                         will be with you shortly.

               The droid bows before OCTAVIUS JAMES and QUI- GON JINN. He
               backs out the door and it closes. The JEDI lower their hoods
               and look out a large window at the lush green planet of Naboo.
               QUI-GON sixty years old, has long white hair in a ponytail.
               He is tall and striking, with blue eyes. JAMES is twenty
               five, with very short brown hair, pale skin, and blue eyes.
               Several exotic, bird-like creatures SING in a cage near the
               door.

                                     OCTAVIUS JAMES
                         Oops...I just let gas.

                                     QUI-GON
                         I don't sense anything.

                                     OCTAVIUS JAMES
                         Good, is there a bathroom on here?

                                     QUI-GON
                         Don't center on your anxiety, Octavius.
                         Keep your concentration here
                         and now where it belongs.

                                     OCTAVIUS JAMES
                         But I've really gotta go. I mean
                         REALLY. Do you think they'd notice
                         if I went in my pants? I guess it
                         wouldn't be to bad an expense...

                                     QUI-GON
                         ...but not at the expense of the
                         moment. Be mindful of the living
                         Force, my young Padawan.

                                     OCTAVIUS JAMES
                         (Pacing back and forth) How long
                         is this gonna freakin' take?!

                                     QUI-GON
                         These Federation types are cowards.
                         The negotiations will be short.

               

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

               NUTE GUNRAY and DAULTRAY DOFINE stand, stunned, before TC-
               14.

                                     NUTE
                              (shaken)
                         What?!? What did you say?

                                     TC-14
                         The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I
                         believe.

                                     DOFINE
                         I knew it! They were sent to force a
                         settlement, eh. Blind me, we're done
                         for!

                                     NUTE
                         Stay calm?  I'll wager the Senate
                         isn't aware of the Supreme
                         Chancellor's moves here. Go. Distract
                         them until I can contact Lord Sidious.

                                     DOFINE
                         Are you brain dead? I'm not going in
                         there with two Jedi! Send the droid.

               Dofine turns to TC-14, who lets out a squeaky sigh.

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

                                     OCTAVIUS JAMES
                         So, you don't think Peppermint Patty's
                         a lesbian?

               The door to the conference room slides open, and TC-14 enters
               with a tray of drinks and food.

                                     QUI-GON
                         No. I sense an unusual amount of
                         fear for something as trivial as
                         this dispute.

               James takes a drink.

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

               Nute, Dofine, and Rune Haako are before the hologram of Darth
               Sidious, a robed figure whose face is obscured by a hood.

                                     DOFINE
                         This scheme of yours has failed,
                         Lord Sidious. The blockade is
                         finished! We dare not go against
                         these Jedi.

                                     DARTH SIDIOUS
                         You seem more worried about the Jedi
                         than you are of me, Dofine. I am
                         amused.. Viceroy!

               Nute, looking very nervous, steps forward.

                                     NUTE
                         Yes, My lord.

                                     DARTH SIDIOUS
                         I don't want that stunted slime in
                         my sight again. Do you understand?

                                     NUTE
                         Yes, My Lord.

               Nute gives Dofine a fierce look, and Dofine, terrified, rushed
               off the bridge.

                                     DARTH SIDIOUS
                         This turns of events is unfortunate.
                         We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy.
                         Begin landing your troops.

                                     NUTE
                         Ahh, My Lord, is that, Legal?

                                     DARTH SIDIOUS
                         I will make it legal.

                                     NUTE
                         And, the Jedi??

                                     DARTH SIDIOUS
                         The Chancellor should never have
                         brought them into this. Kill them,
                         immediatly.

                                     NUTE
                         Ye..Yes, My Lord. As you wish.

               INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT - DOCKING BAY

               In the Cockpit of the Cruiser, the Captain and Pilot look up
               and see a gun turret swing around and point directly at them.

                                     PILOT
                         Captain !? Look !!

                                     CAPTAIN
                         No! Warn...

               EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HANGER BAY

               The battle gun fires. The Republic Cruiser explodes.

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

               Gui-Gon and James leap up to a standing position with their
               light sabers drawn. TC-14 jumps back, startled, spilling the
               drinks tray.

                                     TC-14
                         Ahhh, Sorry, sir. The Viceroy...

               Gui-Gon and James turn off their swords and listen intently.
               A faint hissing sound can be heard.

                                     QUI-GON
                         Gas!

               Qui-Gon and JAMES each taken a sudden deep breath and
               holding it.  The exotic bird-like creatures in the cage dorp
               dead.

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY

               A hologram of NUTE , surrounded by BATTLE DROIDS, appears in
               the conference room hallway.

                                     NUTE
                         They must be dead by now. Blast,
                         what's left of them.

               The hologram fades off, as a BATTLE DROID, OWO-1, cautiously
               opens the door. A deadly green cloud billows from the room. 
               BATTLE DROIDS cock their weapons as a figure stumbles out of
               the smoke. It is TC-14 , carrying the tray of drinks.

                                     TC-14
                         Oh, excuse me, so sorry.

               The PROTOCOL DROID passes the armed camp just as two flashing
               laser swords fly out of the deadly fog, cutting down several
               BATTLE DROIDS before they can fire.

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

               The bridge is a cocophony of alarms. NUTE and RUNE watch OWO-
               1 on the viewscreen.

                                     OWO-1
                         Not sure exactly what...

               OWO-1 is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence. RUNE gives
               NUTE a worried look.

                                     NUTE
                         What in blazes is going on down there?

                                     RUNE
                         Have you ever encountered a Jedi
                         Knight before, sir?

                                     NUTE
                         Well, not exactly, but I don't...
                              (panicked)
                         Seal off the bridge.

                                     RUNE
                         That won't be enough, sir.

               The doors to the bridge SLAM shut.

                                     NUTE
                         I want destroyer droids up here at
                         once!!!

                                     RUNE
                         We will not survive this.

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE

               QUI-GON cuts several BATTLE DROIDS in half, creating a shower
               of sparks and metal parts. JAMES raises his hand, sending
               several BATTLE DROIDS crashing into the wall.

               QUI-GON makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut
               through it.

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

               The CREW is very nervous as sparks start flying around the
               bridge door.

               QUI-GON and OBI-WAN are on the view screen.

                                     NUTE
                         Close the blast doors!!!

               The huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a
               second door, then a third. There is a hissing sound as the
               huge doors seal shut. QUI-GON tabs the door with his sword.
               The screen goes black as a red spot appears in the center of
               the blast door.

                                     RUNE
                         ...They're still coming through!

               On the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.

                                     NUTE
                         Impossible!! This is impossible!!

                                     RUNE
                         Where are those destroyer droids?!

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE

               Ten ugly destroyer WHEEL DROIDS roll down the hallway at
               full speed. Just before they get to the bridge area, they
               stop and transform into their battle configuration. QUI-GON
               can't see them but senses their presence.

                                     QUI-GON
                         Destroyer droids! 

                                     OCTAVIUS JAMES
                         They're like a lethal and evil
                         kind of rolly-polly bug...
                         I call them: Unholy Rolly-pollies.

               The WHEEL DROIDS, led by P-59, rush the entry area from three
               hallways, blasting away with their laser guns. They stop
               firing and stand in a semi-circle as the smoke clears. JAMES
               and QUI-GON are nowhere to be seen.

                                     P-59
                         Switch to bio...There they are!

               The Jedi materialize at the far end of the hallway and dash
               through the doorway that slams shut. The WHEEL DROIDS blast
               away at the two JEDI with their laser swords.

                                     OCTAVIUS JAMES
                         Well, my bathroom dilemma's solved.

                                     QUI-GON
                         It's a standoff! Let's go!

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

               NUTE and RUNE stand on the bridge, watching the view screen
               as the WHEEL

               DROIDS' POV speeds to the doorway.

                                     RUNE
                         We have them on the run, sir...they're
                         no match for destroyer droids.

                                     TEY HOW
                         Sir, they've gone up the ventilation
                         shaft.

               INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - MAIN BAY

               QUI-GON and JAMES appear at a large vent in a giant hanger
               bay. They are careful not to be seen. Thousands of BATTLE
               DROIDS are loading onto landing craft.

                                     QUI-GON
                         Battle droids.

                                     OCTAVIUS JAMES
                         (Drops his lightsaber while QUI-GON is looking
                         the other way) Oh shit-monkeys...
                                     
                                    QUI-GON
                         It's an odd play for the Trade
                         Federation. We've got to warn the
                         Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum.
                         Let's split up. Stow aboard separate
                         ships and meet down on the planet.

                                     OCTAVIUS JAMES
                         How expensive are lightsabers?
Australian Guy

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #1 on: 08-11-2003 01:41 »

LONGEST POST IN FUCKKING HISTORY, Funn tho.
Nurdbot

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #2 on: 08-11-2003 01:52 »

Very amusing.

OC_James

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #3 on: 08-12-2003 15:09 »

(Reads the altered script again. Pulls out knife, removes head from body, places it firmly on the ground, backs up and kicks it. Puts head back on.)
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