Futurama: You're The Star

Since George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg have taking it upon themselves to alter some of their classic hits and not counting all the other classics now being altered digitally, I thought I'd make a slight change to the worst Star Wars movie ,Episode One: The Phantom Menace. I replaced Obi-wan with myself and I have changed all of Obi-wan's lies into something I would say. I have not changed anyone else's lines and have not given myself any extra parts. Insert yourself into your favorite or least favorite movies and post 'em here. Try and keep them short. I'm not posting the entire movie, just the beginning and finally, yes I did remove the "In a Galaxy Far Away" introduction. Not because I didn't like it, but the thing's long enough.

PAN DOWN to reveal a small space cruiser heading TOWARD CAMERA
at great speed. PAN with the cruiser as it heads toward the
beautiful green planet of Naboo, which is surrounded by
hundreds of Trade Federation battleships.

INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT

In the cockpit of the cruise, the CAPTAIN and PILOT maneuver
closer to one of the battleships.

QUI-GON (O.S.)
Captain.

The Captain turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.

CAPTAIN
Yes, sir.

The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a
Neimoidian trade viceroy, waits for a reply.

CAPTAIN
With all due respect for the Trade
Federation, the Ambassadors for the
Supreme Chancellor wish to board
immediately.

NUTE
Yes, yes, of coarse...ahhh...as you
know, our blockade is perfectly legal,
and we'd be happy to recieve the
Ambassador...Happy to.

The screen goes black. Out the cockpit window, the sinister
battleship looms ever closer.

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE (FX)

The small space cruiser docks in the enormous main bay of
the Federation battleship.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE

A PROTOCOL DROID, TC-14, waits at the door to the docking
bay. Two WORKER DROIDS, PK-4 and EG-9 watch.

PK-4
They must be important if the Viceroy
sent one of those useless protocol
gearheads to greet them.

The door opens, and the Republic cruiser can be seen in the
docking bay. Two darkly robed figures are greeted by TC-14.

TC-14
I'm TC-14 at your service. This way,
please.

They move off down the hallway.

EG-9
A Republic cruiser! That's
trouble...don't you think?

PK-4
I'm not made to think.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

A door slides open, and the two cloaked shapes are led PAST
CAMERA into the formal conference room by TC-14.

TC-14
I hope you honoured sirs with the
most comfortable here. My master
will be with you shortly.

The droid bows before OCTAVIUS JAMES and QUI- GON JINN. He
backs out the door and it closes. The JEDI lower their hoods
and look out a large window at the lush green planet of Naboo.
QUI-GON sixty years old, has long white hair in a ponytail.
He is tall and striking, with blue eyes. JAMES is twenty
five, with very short brown hair, pale skin, and blue eyes.
Several exotic, bird-like creatures SING in a cage near the
door.

OCTAVIUS JAMES
Oops...I just let gas.

QUI-GON
I don't sense anything.

OCTAVIUS JAMES
Good, is there a bathroom on here?

QUI-GON
Don't center on your anxiety, Octavius.
Keep your concentration here
and now where it belongs.

OCTAVIUS JAMES
But I've really gotta go. I mean
REALLY. Do you think they'd notice
if I went in my pants? I guess it
wouldn't be to bad an expense...

QUI-GON
...but not at the expense of the
moment. Be mindful of the living
Force, my young Padawan.

OCTAVIUS JAMES
(Pacing back and forth) How long
is this gonna freakin' take?!

QUI-GON
These Federation types are cowards.
The negotiations will be short.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

NUTE GUNRAY and DAULTRAY DOFINE stand, stunned, before TC-
14.

NUTE
(shaken)
What?!? What did you say?

TC-14
The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I
believe.

DOFINE
I knew it! They were sent to force a
settlement, eh. Blind me, we're done
for!

NUTE
Stay calm? I'll wager the Senate
isn't aware of the Supreme
Chancellor's moves here. Go. Distract
them until I can contact Lord Sidious.

DOFINE
Are you brain dead? I'm not going in
there with two Jedi! Send the droid.

Dofine turns to TC-14, who lets out a squeaky sigh.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

OCTAVIUS JAMES
So, you don't think Peppermint Patty's
a lesbian?

The door to the conference room slides open, and TC-14 enters
with a tray of drinks and food.

QUI-GON
No. I sense an unusual amount of
fear for something as trivial as
this dispute.

James takes a drink.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

Nute, Dofine, and Rune Haako are before the hologram of Darth
Sidious, a robed figure whose face is obscured by a hood.

DOFINE
This scheme of yours has failed,
Lord Sidious. The blockade is
finished! We dare not go against
these Jedi.

DARTH SIDIOUS
You seem more worried about the Jedi
than you are of me, Dofine. I am
amused.. Viceroy!

Nute, looking very nervous, steps forward.

NUTE
Yes, My lord.

DARTH SIDIOUS
I don't want that stunted slime in
my sight again. Do you understand?

NUTE
Yes, My Lord.

Nute gives Dofine a fierce look, and Dofine, terrified, rushed
off the bridge.

DARTH SIDIOUS
This turns of events is unfortunate.
We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy.
Begin landing your troops.

NUTE
Ahh, My Lord, is that, Legal?

DARTH SIDIOUS
I will make it legal.

NUTE
And, the Jedi??

DARTH SIDIOUS
The Chancellor should never have
brought them into this. Kill them,
immediatly.

NUTE
Ye..Yes, My Lord. As you wish.

INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT - DOCKING BAY

In the Cockpit of the Cruiser, the Captain and Pilot look up
and see a gun turret swing around and point directly at them.

PILOT
Captain !? Look !!

CAPTAIN
No! Warn...

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HANGER BAY

The battle gun fires. The Republic Cruiser explodes.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

Gui-Gon and James leap up to a standing position with their
light sabers drawn. TC-14 jumps back, startled, spilling the
drinks tray.

TC-14
Ahhh, Sorry, sir. The Viceroy...

Gui-Gon and James turn off their swords and listen intently.
A faint hissing sound can be heard.

QUI-GON
Gas!

Qui-Gon and JAMES each taken a sudden deep breath and
holding it. The exotic bird-like creatures in the cage dorp
dead.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY

A hologram of NUTE , surrounded by BATTLE DROIDS, appears in
the conference room hallway.

NUTE
They must be dead by now. Blast,
what's left of them.

The hologram fades off, as a BATTLE DROID, OWO-1, cautiously
opens the door. A deadly green cloud billows from the room.
BATTLE DROIDS cock their weapons as a figure stumbles out of
the smoke. It is TC-14 , carrying the tray of drinks.

TC-14
Oh, excuse me, so sorry.

The PROTOCOL DROID passes the armed camp just as two flashing
laser swords fly out of the deadly fog, cutting down several
BATTLE DROIDS before they can fire.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

The bridge is a cocophony of alarms. NUTE and RUNE watch OWO-
1 on the viewscreen.

OWO-1
Not sure exactly what...

OWO-1 is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence. RUNE gives
NUTE a worried look.

NUTE
What in blazes is going on down there?

RUNE
Have you ever encountered a Jedi
Knight before, sir?

NUTE
Well, not exactly, but I don't...
(panicked)
Seal off the bridge.

RUNE
That won't be enough, sir.

The doors to the bridge SLAM shut.

NUTE
I want destroyer droids up here at
once!!!

RUNE
We will not survive this.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE

QUI-GON cuts several BATTLE DROIDS in half, creating a shower
of sparks and metal parts. JAMES raises his hand, sending
several BATTLE DROIDS crashing into the wall.

QUI-GON makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut
through it.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

The CREW is very nervous as sparks start flying around the
bridge door.

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN are on the view screen.

NUTE
Close the blast doors!!!

The huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a
second door, then a third. There is a hissing sound as the
huge doors seal shut. QUI-GON tabs the door with his sword.
The screen goes black as a red spot appears in the center of
the blast door.

RUNE
...They're still coming through!

On the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.

NUTE
Impossible!! This is impossible!!

RUNE
Where are those destroyer droids?!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE

Ten ugly destroyer WHEEL DROIDS roll down the hallway at
full speed. Just before they get to the bridge area, they
stop and transform into their battle configuration. QUI-GON
can't see them but senses their presence.

QUI-GON
Destroyer droids!

OCTAVIUS JAMES
They're like a lethal and evil
kind of rolly-polly bug...
I call them: Unholy Rolly-pollies.

The WHEEL DROIDS, led by P-59, rush the entry area from three
hallways, blasting away with their laser guns. They stop
firing and stand in a semi-circle as the smoke clears. JAMES
and QUI-GON are nowhere to be seen.

P-59
Switch to bio...There they are!

The Jedi materialize at the far end of the hallway and dash
through the doorway that slams shut. The WHEEL DROIDS blast
away at the two JEDI with their laser swords.

OCTAVIUS JAMES
Well, my bathroom dilemma's solved.

QUI-GON
It's a standoff! Let's go!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

NUTE and RUNE stand on the bridge, watching the view screen
as the WHEEL

DROIDS' POV speeds to the doorway.

RUNE
We have them on the run, sir...they're
no match for destroyer droids.

TEY HOW
Sir, they've gone up the ventilation
shaft.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - MAIN BAY

QUI-GON and JAMES appear at a large vent in a giant hanger
bay. They are careful not to be seen. Thousands of BATTLE
DROIDS are loading onto landing craft.

QUI-GON
Battle droids.

OCTAVIUS JAMES
(Drops his lightsaber while QUI-GON is looking
the other way) Oh shit-monkeys...

QUI-GON
It's an odd play for the Trade
Federation. We've got to warn the
Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum.
Let's split up. Stow aboard separate
ships and meet down on the planet.

OCTAVIUS JAMES
How expensive are lightsabers?