Guy you've never heard of writes something mediocre!

[Reply #40 on:]

It was indeed an awful lame pun as you describe...

Not that your stuff is anything like Borges, just the fact he's an author.

Oh forget it. I'm going to bed 

[Reply #41 on:]

Ahh, I love it! I can't wait to read the next batch o' hijinx. As usual, you have Fry and the fellows down perfectly. Especially Hermes.

[Reply #42 on:]

that has to be one of the single best fanfics i ever read, and i've read alot, i can totally see that becoming an accual episode, most fanfics are all mediocre and would be a shitty episode but an ok read, that is both

[Reply #43 on:]

It's really good so far. The plot seems like it would be a real Futurama episode. Keep it up!

[Reply #44 on:]

Thanks again, everyone:

[Kif] Truly, this is a fanfic created solely by your encouragement...  Also, I had to write it... [/Kif]

Anyways, those of you who have bothered to read all this and haven't said anything yet, keep the comments and suggestions coming.  Don’t be afraid to tell me if there’s something you don’t like, or think I should change. 


Part five hasn't been started yet, but I'm hoping to get around to it over the weekend.

[Reply #45 on:]

Sorry for the double post, but I'd really like to *bump* this for the next part.  (Ten points to anyone who can name the episode reference in my previous post.)

-----------------------

Part 5

Fry:  Yaaaaah! (Fry is quickly dragged and hoisted up into the grate)

(Cut to Leela, Bender, and Fry sneaking back on to the PE ship)

Leela:  So far so good, now we just have to wait for Amy to get back.  She’s probably trying to get Zapp to let Kif go, but we can’t help Kif until we stop this war.  She’s going to have to gonads that.

(Fry and Bender chuckle)

Leela (weak smile):  I thought you turned that thing off Fry… (Fry turns it off)

(Cut to Amy and Zapp in the brig.  Kif is behind bars looking his usual depressed self)

Zapp:  So you see, Kif must be kept here until we come up with a suitable punishment for such a treasonous act.

Amy:  But he’s innocent!  If he could control your mind, why didn’t he do it before?  And why isn’t he doing it now?

Zapp:  I believe it’s standard DOOP procedure to answer the second question first.  Fear.  Kif knows I have the upper hand now, and he has lost the element of surprise.  As for the first question…uh… I don’t know.  What do you have to say for yourself, criminal?

Kif(polite):  Clearly, sir…

Zapp:  Enough blasphemy! (He pronounces this “blasp-hemi”)  Visiting time is over.  Now, it’s either leaving time (Points out the door)… or Zapp time! (Arms akimbo, he winks)

(Amy shudders for a second, then is suddenly hit with an idea.)

Amy: Zapp… since Kif controlled your words, couldn’t he do the same thing to the speaker at the Angorian war declaration?  He could stop the war, and you would be a hero!

Zapp:  I’ll be a hero anyway, after I destroy them in battle!

Amy:  Yes…but everyone already knows Zapp Brannigan, the war hero.  Now is your chance to be Zapp Brannigan, intelligent peace-keeper!

Zapp (Thinking):  Well… nothing stokes my ego more than a new title… and there’s nothing Zapp Brannigan loves more than a good stroking (He winks yet again).

Kif (sarcastically upbeat):  See sir, that was innuendo!  Now you get it!

Zapp:  Quiet you!  Now, answer me! Will you give up your treacherous ways, and help me become more of a hero?

Kif (defensive):  But, sir, I never even… (Rethinks his plight)  sigh...  I have learned my lesson, sir.  You have my eternal loyalty.  I will do this for Earth, and for you.

Zapp: Good!  Then we will be at that war declaring thingy! (To Amy) But…wait…how is Kif going to stop the war just by being there?

Amy:  Don’t worry Zapp, Kif knows what to do. (She winks at Kif and turns to go) I love you Kiffy, good luck! (She leaves)

Zapp:  OK Kif, you’re on our side again, but you had better watch yourself!  Now, first order of business; what’s this war declaration she was talking about?

Kif: (Hands over face) Ohh…

(Cut scene of the PE Ship leaving the Nimbus)

(Back onboard, Amy, Leela, and Bender are in the control room)

Amy:  So now, if everything works out, Kif won’t even be in trouble anymore.

Leela:  That was very clever Amy… Looks like some of my cunning has been rubbing off on you…

Amy (sardonic): Yeah, that’s it.  Hey!  Maybe someday some of my social skills and fashion sense will rub off on you!

Leela (Taking offense):  Fashion sense?  You’re wearing so much makeup that you should be glad to let some of it rub off…

Bender:  Ladies… please.  There’ll be plenty of time for this later, when I can take bets on the fight.

Leela (Regaining poise):  Bender’s comparatively right…  We’re a team, and for once, absolutely nothing has gone wrong…

(Phone rings)

Leela:  I think we’ve just been jinxed.  (Turns and answers phone)

Hermes:  Wonderful information, everyone!  You won’t have ta infiltrate any Angorian ships tonight!

Leela (excited):  They’re not going to declare war?

Hermes:  Of course dey are!  However, since Angorians are members of DOOP, DOOP is allowing the announcement ta be made at old DOOP Headquarters, which just happens to be in…

Leela:  Weehauken.

Hermes:  Be dere by 8:00.

Zoidberg (Shouting, off camera): Tell them I said "hell- *click*

Leela:  Well, this makes things easier… I guess maybe nothing will go wrong…

Amy (Still irked):  Stop saying that!

(Leela, Fry, and Bender approach the entrance of old DOOP)

Leela:  OK, the dicto-swap is set to change “war” into “peace”.  We just have to be in the same room as the speaker, so act casual.  Hey, where’s Amy?

Fry:  She said she didn’t want Zapp or Kif to see her there.  Might ruin the plan. 

(Cut briefly to Amy on the PE ship.  Loud music is playing as she practices kickboxing a one-eyed dummy.)

Leela:  OK, here we go…

(The crew enters the building, and pass through something resembling a metal detector.  A loud alarm goes off as Leela steps through.  Three Angorian guards storm the group.)

Angorian 1:  They have a dicto-swap!  Get them!

Leela:  This is unexpected…

Fry (frightened):   I thought no one knew about these things!

Angorian 2: (While handcuffing Fry):  The honor of our planet depends on our leader being able to say one word correctly. We take all precautions, even against this archaic device. 

Angorian 3: (While handcuffing Leela):  Preventing the word ‘war’ from being said is even worse than an assassination attempt.  At least then, the war could still carry on with a new leader.

Bender (indifferent):  Well, then let us go and we’ll just do that...oof!  (He is grabbed by the first Angorian.  The three are dragged out of the room)

(Cut to the meeting hall at DOOP headquarters.  Several Angorians are around the podium, the leader from before being one.  The audience is a motley collection of species, and the camera pans across the crowd, eventually focusing on an extremely butch Earth woman with a baby carriage.  This is, of course, Zapp Brannigan in disguise.  Kif is in the carriage, dressed as a baby.) 

Zapp (whispering):  You better do this right, Kif.  I didn’t dress up like a woman for nothing this time.  However… I am one exceedingly sexy woman, aren’t I?  (Runs his hands up his fake figure) mmmm…I’m particularly fond of the bosoms…

Kif: (Shudders) …I will do my best, uh, sir…

Zapp (Normal volume):  Babies don’t talk, stay in character!  (Turns to an attractive alien next to him)  Hey there, gorgeous…

Kif:  Sigh...

Zapp (A little loud):  Babies don’t sigh either!

(Everyone nearby looks at Zapp, then awkwardly scoots a few inches away)

Angorian: (At the podium) Please rise for the Angorian Anthem. 

(Everyone stands, there is a brief pause)

(The Meow-Mix™ jingle resounds through the room.  The Angorians stand motionless, hands over hearts.  One has a tear in his eye, deeply moved.)

(Cut to a DOOP prison cell where Bender, Fry, and Leela are being held.  One armed guard is at his post.  Melodic meowing can be heard in the distance.)

Leela (softly):  The ceremony’s starting.  We have to get out of here, now!

Bender (quietly):  I believe it’s time for the bending unit to make his presence felt! 

(Bender moseys up to the prison bars, and pauses until the prison guard looks away again.  When this happens, he extends his arm through the bars, grabbing the guard’s gun)

Bender:  Freeze!

(The guard puts his hands up.  Bender keeps the gun pointed at him, and then bends one of the prison bars with his other arm, skewing it so that he can fit through.  Getting close to the guard, Bender pistol whips him, knocking him unconscious.  He then steals the guard’s keys, and unlocks the door, letting the others out.  Fry, who was halfway through the opening Bender already made, has to dive out of the way to avoid being hit by the door.  With everyone out, Bender closes the cell door, goes back to the guard, takes his wallet, picks him up puts him into the cell using the original bent opening, then bends the bar back into place.)

Leela:  That was the most poorly planned escape I’ve ever seen.

Bender:  Eh, you get what you pay for.

Fry:  But we didn’t…

Bender:  You will.

(The commotion over, the meowing in the distance can still be heard, but it stops.)

Leela:  We’re almost out of time!  We have to get the dicto-swap in range!

(The three run though a door)


------------------
Ah, college is winding down, and so is this story.  I'm going to feel so empty soon.  It has come to my attention that the Angorian leader doesn't have a name... should I give him one?  Actually, remember those ten points for naming the episode reference?  Instead, your first name will be the leader’s name, regardless of gender.  How exciting, right?  Part six by the end of the week.  It may be the end of the story, or there may be one more after it.  As always, comments, critiques, and suggestions are welcome and cherished.   

[Reply #46 on:]

 

Originally posted by JBERGES:
(The Meow-Mix™ jingle resounds through the room. The Angorians stand motionless, hands over hearts. One has a tear in his eye, deeply moved.)

*stunned silence, then hysterical laughter*

I love you.

[Reply #47 on:]

i only read the first part so far, but i like it alot. very show-like (if you get what i mean). once i get my glasses fixed i'll read more lol.

[Reply #48 on:]

it's cool! I like it

[Reply #49 on:]

this is getting better and better, i really wanna see it as an episode, or at least as a comic..........the meow mix jingle hahahahaha, you do know how to make a girl laugh

[Reply #50 on:]

You are a comic genius! That is a great fanfic.

[Reply #51 on:]

Looks like this is the last part, folks.  This has been a lot of fun, and I thank you all for your love and support.  The Angorian leader still needed a name, so it's based it off of the last person who posted...unless they are against it...
-------------------

Part 6

Leela:  We’re almost out of time!  We have to get the dicto-swap in range!

(The three run though a door. While running, Fry notices Leela still has the dicto-swap)

Fry (Still running):  Hey, how come they didn’t take that away from us?

(Camera zooms out to show the three have just run though another metal-detector looking device.  Alarms go off)

Angorian 2 (off camera):   They’re over there!  Cut them off!

Leela:  That would explain it.

(Two armed Angorians cut the group off just short of the door to the meeting hall)

Angorian 2 (Brandishing weapon):  Freeze!  And turn off that dicto-swap! 

Leela (enraged):  Wait just one damned second!  You’re telling me that Angorians know what a dicto-swap is capable of, but refuse to believe Zapp’s story about not controlling his own words?  Didn’t it even occur to you that a dicto-swap might have been involved at the meeting last night?

Angorian 1:  Was it?  Captain Brannigan’s excuse was that a little green man did it.  How were we supposed to believe that?  (chuckles)  Little green men…

Leela (solemn):  Look, we’re to blame for all this confusion. It was all a misunderstanding caused by this dicto-swap.  Please, look into your hearts. You have to let us stop this peace! (She turns the dicto-swap off)  I mean this war. (She turns it back on)

(Cut to inside the meeting hall)

Angorian Leader:  All formalities over, let us get to the point.  I, Emperor Moreburg, and the people of the planet Angor…

(Next scenes are shown in rapid succession)

(Cut to Zapp and Kif)
Zapp (Standing up):  Kif, now’s your last chance!

(Cut to Moreburg)
Moreburg:  We officially declare…

(Fry bursts though the door with the dicto-swap.)

Fry:  NOOOOOO!  (He flings it high into the air in the stage’s direction, trying to get it in range)

(Cut to Moreburg)
Moreburg:  War on planet Earth!

(Cut to Zapp)
Zapp:  Damnit!

(Cut to the crew at the door)
Fry/Leela/Bender:  NO!

(Cut to Planet Express basement)
(Scruffy eats a potato chip)

(Cut to the row in front of Zapp and Kif)

(A shady looking character calmly pulls out a gun.  He points it at Moreburg is about to fire.  Meanwhile the dicto-swap that Fry lobbed down the aisle strikes Zapp in the back.  This force, along with the weight of his fake breasts is enough to send Zapp toppling over the row of seats in front of him, directly on to the man with the gun.  A shot goes off and whizzes inches above Moreburg’s head.  The dazed assassin lies immobile, pinned under Zapp’s weight.  The audience bursts into applause.)

(Cut to several minutes later.  The audience has cleared out.  Police are taking the assassin away, and Moreburg is talking to Zapp, while Fry, Leela and Bender watch from afar)

Moreburg:  I owe you my life, Captain Brannigan.  Following that assassin in disguise then foiling him, even after I affronted you, was truly heroic.  I thank you.  Therefore, I am canceling the war declaration on Earth, and I am forgiving you for what you said to me last night, whether your story is true or not. 

Zapp:  Thank you.  And don’t you worry; things between me and the little green man are all smoothed out.

(Moreburg rolls his eyes and walks away)

Zapp: (Whispering into baby carriage) Kif, I don’t know how you did it… but good job.

Kif:  Can I get out now?

Zapp:  No.

(Cut to the Planet Express building the next morning.  Fry, Leela, and Bender are yet again watching TV.  The news is on.)

Linda:  And so, war has been averted, thanks to the selfless act by Captain Zapp Brannigan

Morbo:  Morbo finds this large man dressed as a woman to be greatly entertaining!  Furthermore, NO MAN IN A DRESS WILL THWART MY RACE’S CONQUEST OF THIS PUNY PLANET!

Linda: (chuckles) I’m sure he won’t Morbo, I’m sure he won’t…

(Leela turns the TV off)

Leela:  Well, I guess everything turned out OK.

Fry:  Yeah, though I wish those two Angorian guards has just let us go after we explained everything to them…

Bender:  Well, no one liked beating them unconscious with their own guns and shoes, then blaming it on the assassin, right?

(The three share a laugh)

Bender:  Well, I’m getting more booze, who wants some?

Fry/Leela:  It’s 10:00AM!

Bender:  Three beers it is. (He leaves the room) 

Leela:  Well Fry, I guess it’s your turn to try out the dicto-swap (She produces it from her pocket). I’ve already had my fun…

Fry:  No…you were right to begin with, playing with it has bad consequences.

Leela:  Well, it was all kind of my fault anyway…

Fry:  It was all of our faults.  You should just destroy it.  The professor probably doesn’t even remember owning it anyway.

Leela:  That’s very mature of you, Fry.

Fry:  Thanks.  (Deep breath)  Look Leela, can I talk to you for a second?

Leela: …sure.

(Sappy music starts in)

Fry:  Look, I know that I… (pause)…Bender!

(Cut to show that the sappy music is coming from Bender, who is standing in the doorway)

Bender:  Just trying to help… geez!  Fine, I’ll turn it off.

(He hits a button on himself, and the circus music from before starts playing)

Bender:  Damnit!  It’s on the fritz again! (Starts hitting himself in the midsection)

Fry:  If I’ve learned anything from Happy Days, I know how to handle this. 

(Fry walks smoothly up to Bender, and swiftly elbows him.  The music stops)

Fry:  (Impersonating Fonzie)  AAAAAYYY…

Bender:  Ow... I gotta get that fixed… (He leaves)

Fry:  Anyway, Leela, look.  I know I’m not perfect, but I’ve been trying to make myself better recently.  Look, I even got new pants! 

(Camera zooms in on Fry’s pants.  The tags are still on them, and read "Astro-postale".)

Fry:  I ordered them when we were flying back from the Nimbus.

Leela:  That’s good Fry, but you shouldn’t try to make yourself better just to win me over…

(Fry walks to the window, he stares out of it)

Fry:  It’s not that… well not really.  You bring it out in me, not to impress you, but just by being there you make me want to better myself.  (Sigh)  Please, I’m not asking for you to love me, just to give me a chance.  Do you… do you wanna go out tomorrow night?  It, it can be as friends even...

(Camera stays on Fry’s sullen face.  There is long, awkward silence)

Leela (Off camera):  That’s very sweet of you Fry.  I know you try… but then sometimes, sometimes you stoop right back down to that level again... (Pause)  Fry, the answer is no, and if you’re smart enough maybe someday you’ll realize why I said that. (She leaves)

 (Camera stays on Fry as he soaks in what just happened.  Suddenly, he dashes towards the door)

Fry: Leela, wait!  Come back! 

(He sees that Leela has forgotten the dicto-swap on the table)

Fry (Shouting as if Leela could still hear him):  Leela, you forgot the dicto-swap again!  You have to destroy it… (softer)…  like you destroy everything else.

(Fry double-takes, the device is on)

Fry’s mind: “If you’re smart enough, maybe someday soon you’ll realize why I said that.”   

(Fry snatches the dicto-swap and checks the controls.  His entire demeanor changes in a split second, his mouth falls open as he gasps)

Fry (Ecstatic): She… she said “no!" (He turns it off)  I mean, she said "yes!"  Woooooh!

(He charges out the door, in pursuit of Leela)

(Meanwhile, circus music starts up again in the distance as the camera fades to black)

(As credits start)

Bender:  OK, that didn’t work…

(Sound of him punching himself in the stomach.  Circus music switches to sappy music)

Bender: Ow! OK, how about…

(Sound of him punching himself in the stomach harder.  Circus and sappy music play at same time)

Bender: Ow! Well, what if I…

(Sound of him punching himself in the stomach even harder.  Music stops)

Bender: Bender, you’re a genius.

THE END

------------

Well, now that it's over, what are your thoughts? Was the ending acceptable?  Is there anything at all that I should change?  And what should I do with it?

EDIT:  Many, many errors...
 

[Reply #52 on:]

She said 'no'! Wooooooooooo! Yay! ...Right?

[Reply #53 on:]

Venus:  Yes, yay.  I changed the line to make it more clear.

[Reply #54 on:]

A great ending. Do you plan on writing any more? You really should. Also, did you submit it to The Leela Zone or another fanfic website? If you didn't, you should do that too.

[Reply #55 on:]

Reading that almost makes me want to finish up my current fanfic.  Great stuff.

[Reply #56 on:]

My little quible with the ending:

The whole shippy bit seemed to be kinds just tossed in there. I dunno, it just wasn't really a running thing throughout the fanfic.

Unless it was, and I forgot an earlier bit. Oh well.

"Can I get out now?"

"No."

Very (good) Simpsons. Awesome! 

[Reply #57 on:]

I want to show my suport.  This is a great Story!!!!!!  It has everything.  Well done plots, bad puns, and best of all, KIF!!!      Because you show such a talent for this, could i make a request?  a lot of people are talking about a plot idea that was never used because the show was canseled   . namly that Ignor is the Profeser's son.  Think about it.

[Reply #58 on:]

 

Originally posted by SlackJawedMoron:
The whole shippy bit seemed to be kinds just tossed in there.

[Short answer]
Yes, true.  Thank you for critiquing.
[/Short answer]

[Long convoluted answer]
Yes, but I still think it’s justified.  Mainly, because we already know Fry is always looking to get Leela to go out with him.  Moreover, in the beginning, Fry receives some reassurance from her.  It's not much, but I think Fry’s the type of guy that would take it to heart.  Through the script, Leela goes through an experience where she lets her immature side get the best of her, and catastrophe results.  In general, Leela goes through a very Fry-like experience, a severe error on her part only being assuaged by a bit of teamwork and luck.  At the end, Leela compliments Fry again, which is enough to push him to say what he’s wanted to say.   Leela, after seeing her own faults a bit clearer, would be in more of a position to give Fry a chance, even if she has to give him a hard time about it.  But... there I go analyzing my work as if it were an episode… Thank you for critiquing.

[/Long convoluted answer]

Now for a few more things before this thread drifts away:

First:  If I wanted to send this to the Leela Zone, how would I accomplish this?  Do I send the html marked-up version that I posted here, a plain text version, or an attachment with a word document?  Do I include a little spiel about the script, or is that provided by someone at the site whenever it’s posted?

Second:  Is the title, “Perfumed By an Unseen Censor” too obscure?  It fits well, and I love a good Edgar Allen Poe reference/pun, but does anyone have any better title ideas?

Third:  On writing another fanfic:  If I ever get another idea (or insomnia), I will definitely write again.  Kiffan, I will keep that in mind, but I can’t guarantee anything.  So, if I do write again, watch for this thread to have some new posts sometime in the future, after these last parts have been squared away.   I won’t start another fanfic thread, lest the moderators moderate it with their frightening phalluses of moderation.   

Any suggestions, critiques, and comments are still welcome.  I’m going to do one more edit of this story before I send it in.  Thanks for your help, everyone.

[Reply #59 on:]

Hahah, you said phallus.
Well, I really liked it. The 'shippy' part too. Ahh, I hope to read more from you soon!

[Reply #60 on:]

*finishes reading last part*
*blinks twice*

...I love you, Sparticus.

Seriously, JBERGES, very nice work. It wouldn't surprise me if I found out you were really Patric Verrone in disguise. Simply amazing.

[Reply #61 on:]

Wow you sure do have a talent. If you had an animation studio, and a team of animators, well who knows?...

[Reply #62 on:]

aww I was sure you were setting up the masked assassin as a Scooby Doo-esk demasking scene complete with the "And I would have got away with it if it werent for those meddling..." line.

The shippy bit at the end was too drawn out but still an awesome fan fic, probably the best I've ever read, good work!

[Reply #63 on:]

Really cool fanfic, I hope you make some more, because you have some serious writing talent. I could just imagine that being an actual Futurama episode.

[Reply #64 on:]

That was a great fanfic 

[Reply #65 on:]

Thanks all.

I wanted to get part one of my next fanfic up by tonight, but I just don't have enough of it done.  I haven't had much time to work on it, but I'll try to get it up here sometime over the weekend.  No promises though.  So, instead, I'll post something that was going to go to waste otherwise:

If anyone missed DrThunder88's brilliant answer to the scenario: "You have to clean up the spam in the offtopic boards, you say:"
I recommend you read it.

 Brilliance

Anyways, I wanted to respond in suit to his musical number, but by the time I finished my version, the game had moved on to another scenario.  So, my answer has just sat on my computer, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it go to waste.  So, a few days late, here's another answer for that scenario:
___________________________
(music starts)

Spammer:  OMG, singing!!!!  mind if i post?!

(Spammer gets smacked in the face with a dictionary)

JBERGES:  Chat-speak’s evil, you won’t miss it.  You can live without your ‘LOL’.  What a childish loser, a ‘u’, ‘r’, and ‘b4’ abuser, here on level one of PEELer hell.
--------------
Spamming’s sinful, so is flaming.  Both will make us want to injure you.  Let’s let this Spam™ can represent, the posts that earn you our resent.  Open up here on level two! 

(Spam™ is force fed to spammer)

Spammer: Please tell me why…

Aslate:  You should have read the PEELer FAQ!

Spammer: I’m sure there’s posters worse than I…

VelourFog:  That doesn’t mean we’ll cut you slack!

Spammer:  I just don’t understand. Why can’t I have a little fun?

Tweek:  Your average words per post was one!

Spammer:  Blame A-I-M and I-R-C!

Nixorbo:  They’re no excuse for idiocy!
-------------------
JBERGES:  Starting useless threads is wrong.  Keep it up and you will never thrive!

All Mods:  Hey Spammer we’ve got banning rods!  Get your IP banned by the Uber-Mods!
       (blocka-blocka-blocka-b-banna-b-banna-block)
              That’s whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on level five!
--------------
Nasty Pasty:  I’m feeling sick…

Nurdbot:  Don’t think they’re talking about us…

Nasty Pasty:  We have been posting pretty quick…

Nurdbot:  It’s true there is quite a surplus…

Nasty Pasty:  Maybe I need a new gimmick…

Nurdbot:  C’mon now, it’s no harm.  We dazzle them all with our boyish charm.  I’ve typed until my hands have been numb.

Nasty Pasty:  I’m getting carpal tunnel syndrome…
--------------------

JBERGES:  Use common sense, and some grammar, and in fact you will not be despised.  Or pay for every post; skewered at the PEELer roast; you’ll suffer while you’re at this host; trust me man your ass is toast!  Spammers suffer here in PEELer hell! 
(Pyrotechnics)   
_____________________________ _____


By the way, no offense to Nasty Pasty and Nurdbot, just chose two random people who post a lot.

[Reply #66 on:]

That is beautiful. That's going into the best PEELer quotes.

[Reply #67 on:]

Marry me.

[Reply #68 on:]

No! Marry me! 

[Reply #69 on:]

Great... another tour de force.

You may have the looks, the brains, the talent, and the women, but let me tell you something, bub...  you'll never have... MY BONEY GRASPING FINGERS!

*claws at JBERGES face*

ha... he ain't pretty no more...

[Reply #70 on:]

"The music is bad and you should feel bad!"
Nah, I'm just kidding, that was cool.

[Reply #71 on:]

Two marriage proposals and a hilarious threat…  you people are great.  Ok, because I have no life I used my Saturday night to write fanfic.  Wooooh!  So, here is part one of a currently untitled script. 

-----------------
The Bearer of Bad News

(Opening Credits and Music:  Caption:  Like Logan’s Run, Without the Calisthenics)

(Shot of Bender and Leela on the couch watching TV.  Bender has a beer, Leela has a sandwich.  TV is heard while camera stays on Leela and Bender watching apathetically)

Voice from TV: Cher, quickly!  We have to fight our way out!

Cher:  I’m coming, Brian!  MacGyver used a wrench, and candle, and a poodle to make this makeshift gun!

Brian: Good, maybe we can save ourselves from the… oh no!

(Screaming and explosions)

Announcer: “Brian, MacGyver, and Cher, OH MY!” … will be right back.

(Fry enters, whistling quite happily.  No one pays attention, so he whistles a bit louder)

Leela (sarcastic):  Gee Fry, you seem unassumingly happy!  Would you like to tell us about it?

Fry (eager):  I’ve finally got it all figured out!

Bender: (While getting up)  What, the English language?  (He laughs)

Fry:  Better!  I’ve had an epiphany!  (Fry casually looks at his hand. “Ipifanny” is scribbled on his palm)    Right.

(Bender leaves anyway, uninterested.  Fry doesn’t seem to care)

Leela (wary):  Let me guess, it’s about ‘us’?

Fry:  Leela, you have to admit I’ve gotten you to go out with me few times, and they haven’t all ended tragically.

Leela:  I’ll give you that and not much more.

Fry (resolute):  Well, I figure it’s about time I give it a rest.  If there’s anything really there,you know I’ll be waiting here for you make the next move.

Leela (happy):  Well, good.  Maybe things will be a bit less awkward for you if you stop… (Cut to show Fry is staring at her expectantly) …what?

Fry (cheesy romantic whisper) :  The next…

Leela (suppressing rage):  Fry…

Fry: (he leans over her) …move

(Leela takes a large bite of her sandwich)

Fry:  oh… (He waits for Leela to swallow, then, in stride: ) The next…

(A de-manhoodifying thud is heard, and Fry’s eyes go cross as he falls to the ground in a heap.  It’s clear what Leela’s next move was.  She storms off.  Zoidberg enters, and crosses Leela exiting.  He sees Fry on the ground clutching his groin)

Zoidberg:  There is nothing sadder than seeing a man with a broken heart… (shakes his head)  Don’t worry Fry; I’m sure it’s only internal bleeding.  You lose less blood that way.

Fry (falsetto):   I’ll be OK in a few minutes…

(Leela enters, angry but subdued)

Leela:  Just to show there are no hard feelings Fry, I got you an ice-pack. (She drops it from waist height onto Fry’s crotch)

Fry:  Oomph!  None at all…

(Bender enters.  He is in his golf attire from “The Sting”)

Bender:  Hey, Professor says we’re all going golfing, so make with the argyle and let’s move it!

Leela:  Please… we have plenty of time.  If we are going golfing, first, he’s going to wander in here, sputter something like “Good news, everyone!” and then Hermes will hold a meeting about us going golfing, and that’s only if…

(The professor and Hermes burst through the wall Kool-Aid Man style in a golf-cart and traverse the room)

Farnsworth:   (Doppler effect) Good-news-everyone-we’re-going-golfing...

(The golf cart smashes through the opposite wall)

(Awkward pause)

Leela:  C’mon…we’ll have to meet them there…  I’ll pick up my clubs, Fry, you pick up your balls and we can go.

Fry: (moans)

Bender:  Fine, I’ll get the argyle!

Zoidberg: I hate golf, but at least I'll be doing something with my friends!

(Camera zooms out. Everyone, even Fry, has somehow left already)

Zoidberg: Oh...

(Cut scene of the PE Ship landing at the golf course just as Farnsworth and Hermes arrive by cart.  A sign reads: “Senior Golf Day: Like every day, but with discounts ”)

(Cut to, Hermes, Farnsworth, Fry, Leela, and Bender walking with golf equipment.  Fry now has an argyle tie, and Leela is wearing an argyle baseball cap.)

Leela:  So basically, we all get to play for free because you’re unspeakably old?

Farnsworth:  Yes, the deal was only good for the first 100 customers, so you see why the all the rushing and wall breaking was necessary.

Fry:  Why aren’t we taking the cart?

Farnsworth:  Cart?

Bender:  Y'know, you'd think that playing "shotgun" would be a bit more fun than skipping some holes..

(They’ve reached the 3rd tee.  Fry examines a monitor by the tee box)

Fry: What’s this thing do?

Leela:  That’s the drive-tracker.  After you hit your drive, a camera follows your ball and shows you exactly where it landed.

Fry: Cool!

(Hermes takes his drive.  A small hover-camera fires out of the back of the monitor and chases the ball.  On the screen the crew sees the ball roll to a stop on the fairway.  The hover-camera returns.)

Fry:  My turn!

(Fry puts the ball and tee down, and without as much as a practice swing, hacks at the ball, which hooks exceedingly left.  The hover-camera follows in pursuit as the crew watches the screen.  They see a blurry fly-by of many trees, a fence, a road, and a frightened pedestrian who dodges the ball, but is hit in the face with the camera.  The screen goes to snow.)

Hermes:  Your turn, Leela.

Leela:  Actually, I’ll be playing from the ladies’ tees. (Points to the ladies' tee, many yards forward)

Hermes:  See, now dats just unfair, it smacks of feminine manipulation!

(Leela smacks him)

Hermes (hurt):  It was a figure of speech mon… (A lone tear wells in his eye)

Leela:  Fine, I’ll play from here, I can beat you all anyway. (She places her ball down). Except maybe the professor…

(Quick pan of the entire hole, tees to green.  Ten yards from the green, there is another tee-box that reads “Ages 146 and up”) 

Voice Off-screen:  Hey jerks, we’re waiting here!  In fact, get the hell out of the way, we’re playing through!

(Mom, Walt, Larry, and Ignar join the crew)

Leela:  Mom?  Why would you play golf on discount day?

Mom:  It makes me seem more sweet, gentle, and kind to the public.

Ignar:  But mommy…

Mom: Shove an ass up your face you dumb crap! (slaps him)

Walt:  Mother, you shouldn’t…

Mom: I said bite a bitch you bastard! (slaps him) These idiots know me, remember? I’m in this getup (she indicates her fat-suit) for the media coverage I’ll be getting at the 18th hole.  So lets hurry up and play the freaking game.

Farnsworth:  I…I still love you… (he smiles)

Mom:  You…   I hate you with every wrinkle in my body you two-timing sack of senility!

Farnsworth:  But…but…we’re meant for each other.  You’re a Libra, and I’m a Cancer…

Mom:  I’m a Scorpio, and you had cancer!  Now get the hell out of my sight before I find some rodents to stuff your orifices with! (smacks Larry)

Larry:  What did I do?  (Walt slaps him)

(Farnsworth frowns, he turns and starts walking towards the 146+ tees)

Mom:  Let’s get this damn game over with…

(Walt sets the ball and tee down, Larry hands her a club, and Ignar holds up a “Quiet” sign. Mom takes a practice swing, and then takes her shot.  The ball rockets low off the tee, and strikes the professor, who has only walked a number of yards down the side of fairway.  He falls unconscious.  Everyone gasps.)

Mom: Oh, crap. Someone say something apologetic...

Ignar: whoooooooooooooopsie...

(Mom slaps him as the others run to Farnsworth)

_______________


Geez, that was really hard to write for some reason.  If you can, please give me some feedback, I need to know if I'm at least on track.  So, as I always say,

Comment!
Critique!
Suggest!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!

Wait...where the hell was I?

EDIT:  Minor errors and such...then took Birdbot's suggestion

[Reply #72 on:]

This blows anything that I could possibly write out of the water.

[Reply #73 on:]

You have a amazing talent for fanfiction, I read Perfumed By an Unseen Censor at TLZ and ranked it Awesome!.

Some criticism for this new fic.
 

Originally posted by JBERGES:
Zoidberg:  I refuse to play a sport which discriminates against those of us with claws, so you’ll have to go without me! (steadfast pose)

(Camera zooms out. Everyone, even Fry, has somehow left already)

This doesn't seem very much like Zoidberg. Maybe something like:
 

Zoidberg: I'm going golfing!
(Camera zooms out. Everyone, even Fry, has somehow left already)
Zoidberg: Oh 

Keep up the great work 

 

Originally posted by JBERGES:
(music starts)

Spammer: OMG, singing!!!! mind if i post?!

(Spammer gets smacked in the face with a dictionary)

JBERGES: Chat-speak’s evil, you won’t miss it. You can live without your ‘LOL’. What a childish loser, a ‘u’, ‘r’, and ‘b4’ abuser, here on level one of PEELer hell.
--------------
Spamming’s sinful, so is flaming. Both will make us want to injure you. Let’s let this Spam™ can represent, the posts that earn you our resent. Open up here on level two!

(Spam™ is force fed to spammer)

Spammer: Please tell me why…

Aslate: You should have read the PEELer FAQ!

Spammer: I’m sure there’s posters worse than I…

VelourFog: That doesn’t mean we’ll cut you slack!

Spammer: I just don’t understand. Why can’t I have a little fun?

Tweek: Your average words per post was one!

Spammer: Blame A-I-M and I-R-C!

Nixorbo: They’re no excuse for idiocy!
-------------------
JBERGES: Starting useless threads is wrong. Keep it up and you will never thrive!

All Mods: Hey Spammer we’ve got banning rods! Get your IP banned by the Uber-Mods!
(blocka-blocka-blocka-b-banna-b-banna-block)
That’s whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on level five!
--------------
Nasty Pasty: I’m feeling sick…

Nurdbot: Don’t think they’re talking about us…

Nasty Pasty: We have been posting pretty quick…

Nurdbot: It’s true there is quite a surplus…

Nasty Pasty: Maybe I need a new gimmick…

Nurdbot: C’mon now, it’s no harm. We dazzle them all with our boyish charm. I’ve typed until my hands have been numb.

Nasty Pasty: I’m getting carpal tunnel syndrome…
--------------------

JBERGES: Use common sense, and some grammar, and in fact you will not be despised. Or pay for every post; skewered at the PEELer roast; you’ll suffer while you’re at this host; trust me man your ass is toast! Spammers suffer here in PEELer hell!
(Pyrotechnics)

Even though it's late, I'm giving it 2nd place![/small]

[Reply #74 on:]

 

Zoidberg: There is nothing sadder than seeing a man with a broken heart…

That, sir, was an excellent line. I tip my hat to you. Until we meet again...
*vanishes into the night in a swirl of vinyl and dust...*

[Reply #75 on:]

That Zoidy line was genius XD
I've never heard the Doppler effect referred to in a fanfic! That's a first. And it's really funny to imagine. ...:giggle:
You put Mom and the boys in your fanfic and I love you! 

[Reply #76 on:]

 

This doesn't seem very much like Zoidberg. Maybe something like:

Zoidberg: I'm going golfing!
(Camera zooms out. Everyone, even Fry, has somehow left already)
Zoidberg: Oh

Hmm.  Duly noted.  When I wrote it, I was thinking about how much Zoidberg hated golf in 300 Big Boys, but I think you're right.  He'd be happy to play as long as it was with his friends.  How about I change the line to:

Zoidberg: I hate golf, but at least I'll be doing something with my friends!
(Camera zooms out. Everyone, even Fry, has somehow left already)
Zoidberg: Oh...


@EvilLunch:  The Doppler Effect makes anything funny... It gets a lot of play on the Simpsons, but it's almost never used in Futurama as far as I can remember, save Fry going through the tubes in SP3000.

The second part to this fic might take a while, what with me being forced to be responsible and actually working a full time job, which puts me out of the house from 5AM to 4:30PM weekdays.  But I'll try my best.  Until then, keep the critiques coming...


PS.  I have 3 nominations for POTM, that is so cool…

[Reply #77 on:]

 

Originally posted by JBERGES:
Zoidberg: I hate golf, but at least I'll be doing something with my friends!
(Camera zooms out. Everyone, even Fry, has somehow left already)
Zoidberg: Oh...

That fits in much better. Hope you get enough time to finish it off 

[Reply #78 on:]

Oi.  Such a dork I am.  I was actually scribbling down some dialogue on a note pad at work today…  Well, the good side of it is that part two is complete.   Don't think it's quite as funny as usual, but at least I'm getting somewhere good with the story now.  Well, you be the judge:
----------------------
Part Two

(Leela, Fry, Bender, and Hermes crowd around the fallen Professor.  His glasses have shattered, and he’s bleeding lightly from a cut on his forehead.)

Fry:  Quick, stop the bleeding before he starts to lose too much blood!  Oh… wait, it stopped.

Hermes (worried):  Dat was all of his blood!

Leela: (attempting CPR) He’ll need a transfusion right away!  Oh…why did Amy have to visit Kif this week!  We don’t have a donor!

Walt: (somber) An ambulance is on the way.  (upbeat) Thirty seconds or his autopsy’s free! (somber) We’d hate for Mother to get caught up in a tragic manslaughter case…

Leela: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! (She punches down on Farnsworth’s chest)
(Snnnap!)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5! (She punches down again) 
(Pop…Crrrack!)

 (A hover ambulance arrives, and two paramedics start to take the Professor aboard)

Leela (shouting):  He needs blood, but we don’t have a donor!  Is there anything you can do?

Paramedic: No.  (they drop the Professor and start to leave)

Fry:  There’s blood all around us!  What about my blood, or your blood?

Leela:  We’re the wrong type.  Plus, I’m a mutant and you’re your own grandfather.

Fry:  Hermes?

Hermes: Uh…  I’m not allowed ta donate for some reason… (nervous cough)

Fry:  Bender?

Leela: That’s just stup…

(Cut to Bender, who for some reason has a bag of human blood in his compartment.  Hermes checks the bag)

Hermes:  Wrong type.

Ignar (sad): Mommy…is that man going to die?

(Mom looks to the Professor and back to Ignar.  Her countenance changes noticeably)

Mom:  (sigh) No…no he’s not…  Ignar, go with the nice doctors.

Ignar:  But Mommy…I’m scared…

Mom (stifled so paramedics don’t hear) Do it before I take a cheese-grater to your eyes!

Ignar:  whimper  (He obliges)

Mom (in character):  Excuse me, doctors.  My son here will donate blood to that poor old man there.

(The paramedics take Ignar and the Professor aboard and climb into the hover-ambulance)

Mom (pensive):    He’ll be OK… as long as the doctors know what they’re doing.

(The ambulance abruptly floors it in reverse, knocking Bender to the ground before it flies away)

Bender:   Ow, my ass!  I think I've got ass whiplash again!

Fry:  You mean “ass-lash”?

Bender:  No, that sounds too much like “eyelash.”

Fry:  Eye-lash?  Sounds like an injury Leela might get…

Leela (chagrined):  Oh…this is just great.  Does anyone care that the Professor might die?!  (Turns to Mom) And you!  How did you know the Professor’s blood-type, let alone that Ignar has the same?!

Walt:  I was just wondering the same thing…

Mom:  Well, I was waiting for all the ignorance and banter to stop, but I’ll be dead long before that…so everybody listen, because I’m only telling it once.

(Everyone gathers around her)

Mom:  sigh... Seventy-three years ago, Hubert and I were…romantically entangled.

Bender:  And physically entangled!  Wooooooooooh!

(Mom glares at him)

Bender: I’m sorry Mom...   (dejectedly starts walking away)

Mom:  Anyway, I had my entire company’s future planned.  About fifty years hence, I was to adopt two boys, and they would grow up to take the company over when I died.  Unfortunately, a short while after Mothers' Day, 2931, I learned that I was pregnant.  This child would ruin my perfect image and plans, so I kept the pregnancy a secret.  When Ignar was born, I had him cryogenically frozen until the time when I adopted the two baby boys I had planned on having.  So, 45 years later, I adopted Larry and Walt, and Ignar was unfrozen.  I raised them as if they were all my own, and their father had died just before they were born.  That’s the story the public got too…though it was hard to convince everyone I was capable of having children.  However, my charms and media propaganda won them over eventually.

Larry:  So…I’m not your biological son?

Mom:  No, Larry.  I know this must be upsetting for you…

Larry:  Well…not really.

(Meanwhile, a smiling Walt takes a notebook and pen out of his pocket.  He makes a mark on it.  Camera cut to his view, it’s a list:

  My problems:
   Megalomania
   Avarice
   Oedipus Complex
   Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

He puts it away)       

Mom:  Well, a simple paternity test obtained by secretly bribing Hubert’s doctor proved my worst fears, the pregnancy wasn’t immaculate.  It also gave me the blood information I know today…as well as my ever-present disdain for that man.  But still, I couldn’t bear to see him die, especially in front of his son.

Fry:  Wow, that’s an explanation I didn’t expect…

Mom (Defense mechanisms kicking back in):  Tell anyone and I’ll rupture your pancreas!

Leela:  We won’t tell.  You know…you’d think a child conceived by you and the professor would turn out somehow…uh…

Mom:  Smarter?  Yeah, they say being frozen for that long screws with your mind and makes you dense.

(everyone looks at Fry)

Fry (confused):  …what?  Oh…I get it.  (wipes at his nose with his sleeve)
--------------------------

After some deliberation, I've decided a good title for this fanfic is:

 The Bearer of Bad News

I hope I created a reasonable story and explanation for the events that occurred, if not then tell me, I can change it.  For that and many other reasons, please tell me what you think.  (I survive on feedback alone you know).

@Venus (who I hope is still reading my stuff):   I read somewhere that you have a 76 page fanfic in the works. Care to give a few details?  (Or link me to where there may be details)


EDIT:  Spelling and small changes

[Reply #79 on:]

You've given voice to the abandoned dreams and theories in the "Are Mom's Sons..etc" thread! [Z] Hoorraay! [/Z]* I really like that. I've wanted to write a fanfic about Mom and the Professor, but I doubt anything I could have done would have turned out like this!  Good stuff!

*My annoying catchphrase, I guess..