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PEEL - The Futurama Message Board    General Futurama Forum Category    Melllvar's Erotic Friend Fiction    HELP ME! « previous next »
Author Topic: HELP ME!  (Read 940 times)
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Good   -1 (16.7%)
Okay   -4 (66.7%)
BAD!   -1 (16.7%)
Total Members Voted: 6


Delivery Boy
« on: 02-12-2004 12:55 »

Can you guys tell me what you think of this before I submit it to TLZ?


I have nothing to say about this fac. Just read it.

It was late at night and Leela was in her apartment, reading a new book, Men are from Mars, Woman are from the third moon of Venus 2 when there was a knock on the door. She sighed, got up and answered it.

It was Fry.

"Hey Leela."

"Um... hi. What is it?"

"The professor called us into work. I was told to come get you."

"Dammit, what the hell does he want?"

"Dunno, but he seemed worried about something."

"Okay. I'll be out in a minute."

Seven minutes later, she came out and they headed towards work. They didn't say anything, Fry sounded like he was going to say something but didn't.

This seemed to take forever. Damn, why didn't they take her car?

Fry pulled out a piece of paper. Leela saw the top of it - Austin Powers Chat Up Lines.

Oh God, here we go.

Fry hesitated, then began to speak.

"So..uh... Leela. So. You know... if it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning?" Fry mumbled, reading off the paper.

....what? What did her just say?

Fry shook his head, then looked back at the paper.

"Never mind, uh... you know... those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom


"You, me, whipped cream and handcuffs... any questions?"

"Yes. Could you PLEASE stop with those lame ass chat up lines?"

"One more. One more," Fry pleaded, and started reading the paper again. After a few seconds, he looked down at her crotch. "Well, that isn't just gonna..."

"STOP, I really, REALLY don't wanna know what you're gonna say."

"Okey dokey." Fry said, and with that he threw the paper away. Leela caught a glimpse of some of the lines. She was right in stopping him when she did.

They continued to walk on without saying anything. They were nearing Planet Express.

"Damn, this had better be good." Fry moaned.

"I agree." Leela said.

Now, this doesn't seem to be getting anywhere so far. But with the power of the keyboard, I can make the story take an incredible twist. However random it may be.

The ground started to vibrate. Fry and Leela stopped in their tracks.

"What's going on?" Leela asked.

Fry shrugged, or tried to anyway, for the ground was starting to vibrate more violently.

The ground crumbled underneath their feet, and in a matter of seconds it gave way and they plummeted into the undeground.

They were falling for about 30 seconds...when they fell into something wet.


But it was kind of sticky... and it didn't smell nice.

They were in the sewer.

Leela and Fry got up and started spitting all the nasty stuff out their mouths.

"Great." Leela groaned, "I get dragged out of my apartment to work late, and I end up being caught in an earthquake and in the sewer. Well, at least I can visit my parents."

"Damn the professor!" Fry yelled, making all the sewer mutants turn, "Damn his cold black metal heart!"

"Something tells me nothing very good is going to happen beyond this point." Leela sighed.

An irritated mutant threw a stone at Fry with grat force for yelling and waking her children, knocking him to the ground.

"Okay, beyond THIS point." Leela said.

Delivery Boy
« Reply #1 on: 02-12-2004 13:08 »

This is only part one, btw.
Lee Roberts

Liquid Emperor
« Reply #2 on: 02-12-2004 13:13 »

Not bad. Some nice ideas in there seems good.  ;)

Delivery Boy
« Reply #3 on: 02-12-2004 13:26 »

Thanks Lee, by the way I really like your art and you fic, that was a nice idea  :p

« Reply #4 on: 02-12-2004 13:37 »
« Last Edit on: 02-12-2004 13:37 »

Needs some editing and there's not much in the first part to keep us coming back for more. Might wanna work on it some more before you submit it. Also, use the edit button. Doubleposting is frowned upon here.

Edit: PLEASE keep yourself out of the story as well. Nothing ruins the realism more than that. It's like author's notes. Hold comments until the end.

« Reply #5 on: 02-14-2004 06:03 »
« Last Edit on: 02-14-2004 06:03 »

Your story at the moment reads like the script of a play: dialogue with very little else for the reader. We can’t see the places that this action is happening so you have to paint us a picture. Also think about what you are trying to convey with each piece of the text, does it matter that Leela is reading a book? If so why? Perhaps something like:

Leela was so shocked to hear a knock on her door that she dropped the copy of Men are from mars […] on the floor. She got out of bed trying to think of the last time anyone had called on her unexpectedly; perhaps some tall dark stranger had come to whisk her away.

Her illusions were shattered the second she opened the door, before her stood the rather short, orange haired Fry… 

I’m not saying that you should write it like that per se. I’m sure that when you write the action of the story you’re thinking about how it is all playing out, you need to take that from your head and put it in the story. This is of course the hard bit.

As another little example you wrote:

But it was kind of sticky... and it didn't smell nice.
They were in the sewer.
This appears to me to be the climax of this chapter of the story so play it out a little. Describe the feeling of the “water” in their mouths, up their noses, as they plunge into it. Describe how when they finally fight to the surface they smell it, how that makes them feel, (not it “smells really bad”, make an analogy or describe the wrenching feeling when you (almost) throw up because something is so horrid.) Imagine how awful it would be to have to swim through it to the side once you knew what is was you were swimming in.
I think if you fill out the story a little like that then the reader is gonna care about the characters a lot more.

(Note: I have never written a fan fic or had any story over a couple of thousand words published, I do not consider myself the definitive opinion in writing style or technique. Take my advice with as many grains of salt as you feel fit)

Bending Unit
« Reply #6 on: 02-14-2004 09:59 »

It was decent... Im not really a big fan of fanfics, so there are definitely better judges than me. I voted Okay

Starship Captain
« Reply #7 on: 02-16-2004 12:14 »

as with any story it could use some work, it also could be made longer but some good ideas none the less.
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