Fan Fiction

[on:]

This is my first fan fiction/script so please feed back is needed. Thanks. (Also if you want to draw pictures to the story then please do so I would like to see them )

My first Futurama Story (Just a test)

Chapter 1: Love at long last

[Sunday morning 7:30am]

Leela wakes up at her usual time she likes at least thirty minutes of each morning before work to get ready. She likes to take her showers and then spend some time in the mirror.

Leela: [Thinks] Why do I do this, I might not find anyone. But what the heck... Its worth a shot.

[Sunday morning 8:00am]

Leela feeds Nibbler and then gets her self some food. At 8:30 she walks to work but since it was raining today she decided to take the tube.

{Fry's View}

[Sunday morning 8:30]

Fry finally wakes up and looks at the time.

Fry: Oh my god I'm going to be late!

At this time his shouting had already waken up Bender.

Bender: Why are you shouting meatbag?! You've just woken me up from my nice sleep. I was dreaming about...

Fry: [Worried in his voice] I don't care what you had a dream of Bender I have to get to work.

Bender: Fine! But lets just say it was about you..

Bender turns and walks out of Fry's room. Fry at this point is trying to get into his trousers, he's already fallen about three times by now. After abotu five minutes he finally got them on and headed out the door leaving Bender behind.

[Sunday 9:10am]

Fry's comes in panting and out of breath real bad.

Leela: Fry your ten minutes late... But this was actually better then usual because your
normally thirty minutes to a hour late. Well done.

Fry: [Taking breaths between each word] Thanks...Leela. Hey...
Do...we...have...any...deleve ries...today?

Leela: [Surprised tone in her voice]:No not yet. Why are you excited for work... Fry what you done?

Fry:[Gotten some of his breath back by now]: Nothing. Its wh...

Leela: Its what?

Fry: [Worried] Nothing.

Fry then ran out the room and leaves leela looking confused. Suddenly Bender walkes in
behind her.

Bender: Morning female meatbag.

Leela graps Bender and pulls him over to her.

Bender: Hey you can't just grap me like that!

Leela: Sorry. Was Fry acting weird at your apartment?

Bender: Lets just say he was excited about coming into work.

Bender then walkes over and sits on the couch and switches on the TV.

[Playing on the TV]

Announcer: Welcome back to everyones favourite show... HipnoToad

Bender: Oh crap, I missed it! Damn you Fry!

[Mean while in the ship Fry is in his quaters looking at the roof]

Fry: [Thinking] When should I give my present to leela. Wait I know during the surprise party tonight.

[At that point he hears someone walking around the hall out side his quaters, someone knocks on the door]

Leela: Fry it's me Leela. Can I come in?

Fry: [Thinking] Oh man it's Leela. [Shouts] Yeah. Come in.

Leela comes in and sits beside Fry.

Fry: [Thinks] This might be it

Leela: Fry, whats the matter?

Fry: [Confused look on his face] What do you mean?

Leela: You got really excited to come to work.

Fry: Oh that well...

Leela: Well what?

Fry looks towards Leela and she looks back. Their eye's meet.

Fry: Because it's your birthday and I didn't want to ruin it. Happy birthday Leela.

Leela: [Shocked] Wow Fry... Thank you but you didn't need to.

Fry: I didn't?

Leela: [Giggles] No silly.

Fry: So you mean I fell over three times trying to put my trousers on for no reason.

Leela: Yeah.. Wait you fell over three times?

Bender walkes in smoking a cigar

Bender: Yeah he was in such a rush, I axed if he didn't help but he said no.

Fry: You didn't axe me if I needed help!

Bender: Yeah I know but it's worth telling.

He climbs on his bed and falls straight to sleep

Leela: [Whispers] Do you want to go for a walk and talk?

Fry: Ok but before we do I have something to give you.

Leela: [Surprised] But you didn't need to get me anything Fry

Fry: I know but I just thought anyway.

He got out a purple lockette and hands it to Leela.

Leela: [Nearly crying at this point] It's lovely Fry. Thank you.

Fry: You havn't seen anything yet.

He opens it and shows Leela what's in side. It shows her mam and dad and then sitting
in the middle... Fry. On the other side of the lockette it had some writing ingraved into it.
It reads:

Where ever you are, your family will always love you. And so will I, Fry.

Leela starts to cry and Fry puts his arm around her, to comfort her.

Fry: Ssshhhh don't cry please. Did I do something wrong?

Leela: No it's just... [Wipes tears from her eye] Its lovely Fry the best gift I've been given.

Fry: Really?

Leela: Yeah

Leela stands up, graps Fry's hand and pulls him out of the room and into her own
quarters of the ship. While pulling him into the room, she plants a long passionate kiss on him and closes the door. [Let's just say that you could hear stuff]

{Sunday 7:30pm}
Amy, Bender, Hermes and his wife Lababra, and even the professor where waiting in the Planet Express living room and Fry was waiting at the front of the building for Leela, wearing a silver dress and as she walked in it glittered in the moonlight. As soon as she walked in Fry felt his heart leep out of his throat. [Of course it didn't but it felt like it]

Fry: Wow Leela you look... Beautiful.

Leela: [Blushes] Thanks Fry, but why are we here? And why did you want me to dress like this?

Fry: You'll see.

Fry grabs Leela's hand and leads her to where everyone was waiting. He opened the door and turned on the lights.

Everyone: [Shouts] SURPRISE!!

Leela: [Shocked] Wow guys is this for me?

Amy: Yeah, it was Fry's idea. Happy Birthday Leela.

Hermes and Lababra: Happy Birthday

Professor: [wakes up] Wa... Who's wedding?

Amy: It's not a wedding professor it's Leela's birthday.

Professor: Who's?

Leela: Mine professor

Professor: Oh, happy birthday. [Falls back to sleep]

Bender: I don't know what this is all about but happy birthday anyway.

Leela: Wow Bender thank you.

Bender: [Whispers to Leela] What is this all about?

Leela: Its a party!

Bender: It's a what?... PARTY!!!!!

He graps some beers out of his chest and starts drinking them. Leela turns to Fry.

Leela: [Smiling] Thanks Fry.

Fry: [Smiling] Don't mention it, you deserve it.

{Sunday 10:00pm}

Nearly every one has left apart from Leela and Fry. Leela is sitting on the couch looking
out the window. Fry see's her and comes to sit down beside her.

Fry: Leela, Are you ok?

Leela: Fry I need to tell you something.

Fry: Anything.

Leela: I've been searching for the right person to come to me. I've been dating
other guys to try and find that right one. But...

Fry: But what?

Leela: But... I never realised that the right guy has been in front of me the whole time.

Fry: Who is it?

Leela: Would this tell you who it is?

Leela kisses fry with a passionate kiss [and i'm not going to explain the rest. I'll just let
you decide with your dirty little minds.]

[Reply #1 on:]

Seems kinda confused. Decide whether you're writing as a script or as a story if you're going to do another.

Scripts have the characters speaking lines, as you've got in yours. But they don't have descriptive text in the past tense, as you have. They have stage directions in the present tense (also as you have), and don't state anything that can't easily be conveyed visually (as you have done at a couple of points).

A story or story treatment (like the first draft of a shooting script) has descriptive text, and may have stuff that won't make it into the shot as a visual thing but could impact the story and provide reasons why things happen. A treatment can have characters speaking lines, or it can merely state that a line was said. It can also have direct speech. A story generally has direct speech from the characters, eg: "Who is it?", asked Fry.

You might also want to consider making your work more fully-fleshed. Develop your characters via their situation, bringing them gradually to an experience or realisation that provides a resolution to some kind of tension that you have been building throughout. This will draw the reader/audience in, and give them an emotional investment in the outcome of the story, as well as keeping them guessing a little as to what might happen.

Finally, spelling and punctuation are important. The occasional mistake can ruin the feel of a story that's otherwise well-executed.

If you can follow the above, you should be able to produce something that's a definite improvement over your first effort.

Keep trying. Although 90% of fan fiction is utter dross, there have been gems on PEEL before, and it's sad that we don't seem to have many fanfictionists left. So keep plugging away, and hopefully you'll be putting out some real high-quality work at some point in the near future!

[Reply #2 on:]

Seems kinda confused. Decide whether you're writing as a script or as a story if you're going to do another.

Scripts have the characters speaking lines, as you've got in yours. But they don't have descriptive text in the past tense, as you have. They have stage directions in the present tense (also as you have), and don't state anything that can't easily be conveyed visually (as you have done at a couple of points).

A story or story treatment (like the first draft of a shooting script) has descriptive text, and may have stuff that won't make it into the shot as a visual thing but could impact the story and provide reasons why things happen. A treatment can have characters speaking lines, or it can merely state that a line was said. It can also have direct speech. A story generally has direct speech from the characters, eg: "Who is it?", asked Fry.

You might also want to consider making your work more fully-fleshed. Develop your characters via their situation, bringing them gradually to an experience or realisation that provides a resolution to some kind of tension that you have been building throughout. This will draw the reader/audience in, and give them an emotional investment in the outcome of the story, as well as keeping them guessing a little as to what might happen.

Finally, spelling and punctuation are important. The occasional mistake can ruin the feel of a story that's otherwise well-executed.

If you can follow the above, you should be able to produce something that's a definite improvement over your first effort.

Keep trying. Although 90% of fan fiction is utter dross, there have been gems on PEEL before, and it's sad that we don't seem to have many fanfictionists left. So keep plugging away, and hopefully you'll be putting out some real high-quality work at some point in the near future!

Thanks I'll keep that in mind but I don't know if i should do another one though

[Reply #3 on:]

Leela: No it's just... [ Wipes tears from her eyes ] Its lovely Fry the best gift I've been given.

You REALLY should correct that one word
But also to offer you some serious suggestions:

- ImhO, scripts are rather a tool for movie/comic productions, but not an entertaining media by themselves. A novelish writing style will usually be more fitting. Pratchett's style could be fitting for a Futurama fanfic.

- Your plotline (Leela's birthday) is that kind of "private stuff" forming subplots in the Futurama universe. Your plot is something that could happen today, in the real world. But it's typical for Futurama to incorporate Sci Fi elements, driving those subplots in a way that's only possible in such a Sci Fi universe. (E.g. TLPJF: Trying to reach a date in time happens to lots of folks every day...travelling twice through the universe's lifespan is something new )

- Development: Scenes/subplots should fluently lead to one another. E.g. it's obvious that Leela is supposed to be touched be Fry's gift, but it appears a bit "out of nothing".
A potential solution might be Leela experiencing something bad in the sci fi plot, leading to a feeling of loneliness. The lockette as gift -reminding Leela that people do care for her- will therefore be some "solution" to a problem presented by the earlier plot, and have a deeper meaning to the story than "just" a random gift. (This is not meant as a story suggestion, just as a example what I was refering to as "meaning". There are probably much better examples for my point, I just couldn't think of another one quickly )

[Reply #4 on:]

Leela: No it's just... [ Wipes tears from her eyes ] Its lovely Fry the best gift I've been given.

You REALLY should correct that one word
But also to offer you some serious suggestions:

- ImhO, scripts are rather a tool for movie/comic productions, but not an entertaining media by themselves. A novelish writing style will usually be more fitting. Pratchett's style could be fitting for a Futurama fanfic.

- Your plotline (Leela's birthday) is that kind of "private stuff" forming subplots in the Futurama universe. Your plot is something that could happen today, in the real world. But it's typical for Futurama to incorporate Sci Fi elements, driving those subplots in a way that's only possible in such a Sci Fi universe. (E.g. TLPJF: Trying to reach a date in time happens to lots of folks every day...travelling twice through the universe's lifespan is something new )

- Development: Scenes/subplots should fluently lead to one another. E.g. it's obvious that Leela is supposed to be touched be Fry's gift, but it appears a bit "out of nothing".
A potential solution might be Leela experiencing something bad in the sci fi plot, leading to a feeling of loneliness. The lockette as gift -reminding Leela that people do care for her- will therefore be some "solution" to a problem presented by the earlier plot, and have a deeper meaning to the story than "just" a random gift. (This is not meant as a story suggestion, just as a example what I was refering to as "meaning". There are probably much better examples for my point, I just couldn't think of another one quickly )

Thanks for your advice i will keep it in mind its just i sort of rushed this one because i just about to go out. This was all done in under 5 minutes. But if I do make another one then I WILL take some time into that.