Aloha Mars Episode One 'Comedis Personae'

[on:]

ALOHA MARS

A FUTURAMA PREQUEL BY RUFUS JONES


[A shot of the Aloha Mars as it flys through space. It looks like a futuristic version of the space shuttle only sleeker and with engine nacelles like on the Nimbus.]

[the bridge]

Phil: Captains log. Stardate......what the hell is a stardate anyway? Is it just a bunch of random numbers?

Laika: In the orginal series of Star Trek Gene Roddenberry did not want the series to be dated so he invented the term 'stardate' to get around it.

Phil: Oh. Well srcew that. Captains log, Stardate July 23rd 2042. It has been five years scince my historic and career defining jaunt on the Martian surface-

Laika: Ego much?

Phil: Now, the Aloha Mars is returning to Mars to oversee construction of the first martian base, Olympus One. There we will meet up with the British scientist Professor Hayden Aaronson who is an expert on the technology to make planet-based research stations and helped build the base on Luna. He is also a patronizing limey jerkoff who thinks that just because you havent invented a thousand things by the time you were thirty you arnt worth anything!

Laika: Do I detect a hint of dislike in your voice?


[Enter Ray]

Ray: How are you two lovebirds doing?

Phil: I assume you didnt walk all the way from the engine room to the bridge just to crack some yucks so whats the engine status?

Ray: Engines are running at peak efficency. At this rate we should be at Mars by the middle of next week.

Phil: Next week?!

Ray: Look, Phil, I am pushing it as it is. Anymore and we will resemble tomato puree by the time we get to Mars.

Phil:*sigh* Fine. [gets up] If anyone wants me I'll be in my quarters.

[leaves]

Ray: Whats with him?

Laika: He and Commander Aaronson have a bit of a history. Aaronson joined the Astronaut Cadets as part of the International Space Agency Student Exchange Program. Long story short, Phil and Aaronson were rivals.

Ray: Oh, is that it? Some sort of high school esque fued? Great, our first mission together in five years and its 'Class Of 2028 Reunion' Fantastic.

[cut to Rec Room]
[Hugo and Asimov a prototype robot created by Ray are playing cards]

Hugo: Ok, your turn.

[Asimov slams a card on the table]

Asimov: Snap!

Hugo: Oh for the love of- for the last time, Asimov we are playing Poker!

Asimov: This 'Poker' you speak of is too hard for me to play, as I have no clothes to strip off.

Hugo: This isnt Strip Poker, this is just regular Poker. No nudity required.

Asimov: To quote my creator: 'If a card game does not have the word 'strip' in the title then it aint worth playing'

Hugo: And yet you are the first robot with Artificial Intelligence, I weep for the future of Cybernetics, I really do.

[enter Ray]

Ray: Hey guys. Whats the haps?

Hugo: I am trying to teach this robot of yours to play poker.

Ray: Why?

Hugo: Mostly because I am bored but mainly because I think it'll increase his brain power. Right now his IQ is on a level with someone who watches Sex And The City.

Asimov: The only reason I watch that show is because I think Sarah Jessica Parker is hot.

[there is a pause as Hugo and Ray both stare at Asimov]

Asimov: What?

Ray: First thing I'm gonna do when we get to Olympus is have the technicians take a look at your CPU.

Hugo: what is it you want anyway, Ray?

Ray: Nothing, I just wanted to talk to my buddy Hugo. Is there anything wrong with that? Cant I hang out with my best friend?

Hugo: You're hiding from Doctor Tarunga arnt you?

Ray: [breaking down] He has been chasing me all week! He is convinced I'm overweight so he wants to get me eating nothing but tofu!

Hugo: He just wants you to be healthy. You are a valuble asset to the crew.

Ray: Oh, dont you start! I am just healthy now as I always was. When I was a kid my dad had me eating stakes every day untill I went to college.Guess what? I became a healthy adult. I dont need no hippy food.

Asimov: Hugo has a point though, Ray. You have so far eaten nothing but cheese steaks this whole journey. That cant be good for your arteries.

Ray: What are you? My mom?

Asimov: A friend.

Ray: OK fine, I'll go see Doctor Tarunga. Jeez.

[Ray leaves]

[Hugo starts dealing some cards to Asimov]

Asimov: BINGO!

Hugo: *facepalm*

[Captain Fry's Quarters]
[Phil is thumbing through a copy of 'Space Explorers Quarterly']

[door knocks]

Phil: Come in.

[enter Randall Baxter]

Baxter: Ah, Captain Fry, I was just on the subspace comm to Mr Theodore Wong,

Phil: And what does the CEO of WongCorp want us to do so he can take credit for now?

Baxter: Mr Wong wants you to let the crew know that this ship's future will depend on how well it fares in its current mission. If it fails to meet stadards then it will be decomissioned.

Phil: And your telling me this now? As we are half way to Mars. Why not tell us when we left space-dock?

Baxter: Mr Wong tried. But your ships primitive transmitters failed to receive.

Phil: Well, Mr Wong should have tried harder to contact us.

Baxter: Well, I'm sure he will, in future.

Phil: Anything else? Have you forfilled all your corporate lapdog duties for today?

Baxter: [smiling smugly] That is all for today. Enjoy your trip to Mars.

Phil: I will.

[Baxter leaves]

Phil: Douche.