Coefficient of Fiction: Mediocrity Rehashed

[on:]

Heya, and how about that Futurama coming back?  (applause)

So, I’ve wanted to update my all works for a while now, and I’ve finally gotten around to it... or at least past the first one.

Basically, my goal is to go through each fic, take out the jokes that don’t work, add jokes that somewhat do, and rewrite the choppier sections.  This thread will be the resting place for the final versions I produce.  I wouldn’t expect any completely new works... though I have been jotting down ideas on that book     

We start at the beginning, and therefore, the one that needed the most work in my opinion. 

________________

Perfumed By An Unseen Censor

(Opening Credits and Music: Caption: Futurama: We put the "Fat Ram" back in "Futurama!" )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(shot of Fry, Bender, and Leela on the couch watching TV)

Announcer: You are about to enter a realm of which you've probably never seen anything much like. Without warning, you're bound, gagged, and put in a shopping cart wearing nothing but a negligee barreling down the steep hill that is the human mind. Perhaps someone of importance to you dies, or maybe someone dead comes back to life. Maybe both. You've reached... The Scary Door. 

(scene opens on a shocked scientist in a lab bawling to his comrades, book in hand)

Announcer: Register, record, and report one young scientist, James Binner, who has just made a shocking discovery...

James: I've finally translated the text! "You Got Served"...it's ...it's a cookbook!

Scientist: Worse yet, that book is possessed!

(The book starts gnawing on James's arm)

James: AAAAH!

Scientist 2: Why should you feel pain, James? You're dead! (he points to a conveniently located tombstone in a graveyard outside, which reads: )

James Binner
2965 – Yesterday

James: AAH! Mommy, help me! (he turns towards an old woman, who is suddenly the only other one in the lab, facing away from him)

Old Woman: I'm not your mother... (she turns to face him) I'm you! (she has the same face as him, which is laughing maniacally)

James: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

*Click*

Calculon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

(scene moves back to the trio on the couch)

Bender: Damn, that was close. Almost missed the exciting introduction to "All my Circuits."

Fry: You just don't see quality acting like this anymore.

Calculon: ...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

(Professor Farnsworth enters; he appears deeply confused for a second)

Farnsworth: Erruh... no news, everyone... (Starts to leave)

Hermes (off camera): There’s always news and you know it ya old bat, now call a meetin' so we can hear about it!
 
Farnsworth: Well then...you heard whoever that was; off we go to the meeting room!

Fry/Leela/Bender: Next commercial.

Calculon: ...oooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo...

(Cut to the Planet Express meeting room. The usual gang is assembled)

Bender: Alright, this better be important. We're missing some superior television!
(Brief silence; in the distance, a very faint "...oooooooooooo..." can still be heard)

Farnsworth: Oh, but it is! I just had to show you all my latest gizmo!

Leela: So, you finally invented something new?

Farnsworth: Oh my yes! That is, if by "invented" you mean "purchased", and by "new" you meant, "not new at all" (He produces a small, decrepit looking computer)

Zoidberg: So what does it do, already?

Farnsworth: Well, its origin dates all the way back to the year 2750.  Back then...

(picture gets wavy as the shot fades to-)

Leela: Amy!

(cut to Amy blow-drying her hair with the Arid-izer 6201, shooting hot air across the room)

Amy: Sorry. (she turns her appliance off, the picture returns to normal)

Farnsworth: Anyways, it was the time of television's great revival, as reality shows were on their last legs. Before giving in to the responsibility of writing their own material, networks decided to start showing their reality footage completely live, with no editing whatsoever. While this did temporarily boost ratings, it soon became apparent that too much vulgar material was getting through to an impressionable audience. Rather than resorting to countless bleeps or subpar over-dubbing every time someone started cussing, network executives and scientists joined forces to create... the dicto-swap! The dicto-swap can be programmed for real-time censoring. It causes any programmed word to sound like another word when heard by others.

(He presses a button on the console and a hologram appears in the center of the table.  In the hologram we see a clip what appears to be an old reality show)

Woman: Forget you, you meanie! You slept with my man, you dirty strumpet! I'll kick your bum! 

(she attacks the nearest woman)

Fry: Wooh! Awesome! Kick her bum! 

(The clip ends)

Fry: Aw...

Farnsworth: The dicto-swap successfully changed foul language to something a bit milder on the listeners' ears.

Leela (skeptical):  Yeah, so we heard her voice, but the lips didn’t match up, did they?

Farnsworth: Obviously not! It wasn't perfect, but luckily, most viewers were stupid or didn't really care.

Bender: Well, this has been mind-numbingly fascinating! Here I am listening to this skintube... (he looks at Farnsworth) ...skin-sack... (another take) ...skin-amassment talk about TV, when I could be watching actual TV! I'm outta here, bite my shiny metal honesty! Gasp

(cut to Amy, diligently programming the dicto-swap)

Bender: A-S-S.  ...honesty. What the hell? Amy, turn that damn thing off! I'm slightly less of an adorable rascal without my full repertoire of low to mid-range curses!
 
Amy: I like it this way; good change of pace. (she gives device to Professor)

Bender: Oh! Oh! I just had the best idea! Professor, can Fry and I borrow the dicto-swap?   I promise we won't use it for personal gain or amusement! (he says this while snatching it)  Fry, this is gonna be better than that time I took you to that robot brothel yesterday!

Fry: That wasn't fun. That wasn't fun at all! It was horrific!

Bender: (thinking back) Whore-riffic indeed. (he giggles)

Leela: All disturbing mental images aside, you two have got to be crazy if you think I'm just going to sit here on my honesty while- (she glances at Bender, the device is still on) my behind while you wreck all sorts of lexical havoc.

Hermes: And besides, the three of yous have a delivery today, remember? You'll be delivering Zapp Brannigan's new uniform to the Nimbus. Zapp wants to look sharp for some secret meeting he has tonight.

Leela (aghast): Hermes! You never mentioned this before! How could you do this to me with all the trouble he’s caused!

Hermes: Well, he offered double the pay if you were the one delivering it. You'd be mad to think I'd pass that up!
 
Fry (triumphantly): Wait... I have an idea!

Bender: And only 3 weeks after the last one, Zoidberg, pay up!

Zoidberg (dejected): Ohhh... this is the price I pay for trying to be a thrifty gambler...

(he hands Bender 5 dollars, and runs away sobbing)

Fry: I think there's a way we can make the delivery, me and Bender can have fun, and Leela won’t be left out!

Leela: I wasn't stopping you from going out because I wasn't invited, I wanted to prevent chaos.
 
Farnsworth: Preventing chaos? Sheer lunacy! Now, as for amplifying chaos... (he retreats to his lab)
 
Bender: C'mon, Leela. You know you want a little revenge, Bender style!

Fry: Bender style?  But my plan doesn't involve looting or a pimp-eteria.

Bender: Damn.

Leela(tempted): Well...

(cut to Zapp and Kif in the control room of the Nimbus)

Zapp: ...and that's why I find underpants too constricting.

Kif: (sigh) Fascinating, sir.

Zapp: Now, on to far more sexual matters. As you know, I've arranged that the lovely lady Leela deliver my new uniform. After I try it on, she'll undoubtedly be overwhelmed by my manly guise, and I'll be all over her like a fat man on an incredibly buxom sandwich.

Kif: Of course sir, but might I ask what this has to do with me?

Zapp: Simple. I'll need someone to entertain the non-womanly members of Leela's crew while we're... (he winks deliberately) ...having sex.

Kif: Sir, usually one only winks when relating ideas through innuendo...

Zapp: Whatever. My point, before you so rudely interrupted me, was that you'll be entertaining the other guests. You’ll be wearing this! (he produces a clown costume)

Kif: (hands over his face) Oh...

(Cut to the flight deck of the Planet Express Ship. Leela is piloting and Fry is working with the dicto-swap)

Fry: Ok, I think I've got this thing figured out...We just tell it some of Zapp's sayings, and then tell it to change some words into words that give you a chance to get your revenge.
 
Leela: Wow Fry, I'm actually impressed by your current lack of idiocy. Usually your ideas are interesting just for the novelty of their existence.

Fry:  Is that flirting I hear?

Leela (half serious):  Yes, but only you, with disaster.

(cut to a list Fry has been copying off of)

  ___________________
    1. Brannigan = Dumbass
    2. Sexual = Friendly
    3. Lovely = Ugly
    4. Lady =Bitch
    5. Sorry = Kick Me
    6. Face = Gonads
    7.
   __________________________


Leela: What are the odds of this working anyway? We can't be positive about what he's going to say to me.

Bender: Exactly two in thirteen. (Fry and Leela stare at him) What? Those are the odds I’m givin’.  Now, if you need me I'll be over there, not giving a damn, until something interesting happens (he lights a cigar and leaves).

Leela: Well, if anything, this should definitely confuse Zapp (Pockets the dicto-swap)...

(cut scene of the Planet Express ship docking with the Nimbus)

(Fry, Leela, and Bender enter and are greeted by Kif, dutifully yet despondently wearing the clown costume)
 
Kif (melancholy): Welcome, everyone... Captain Leela, Zapp would like you to sign for the package in his... (long sigh)..."Package Room." (he points down the hall) He also wishes that you make the delivery alone. I'll stay here with the others...

Leela: OK guys, wait here. I won't be long... (a devilish grin as she exits)

Kif (distraught): Well now... I suppose... you won't... force me to...

(cut to Fry and Bender, staring at Kif expectantly)

Kif (muttering): Damn that lummox... (he begins dancing and waving his arms about)

Fry: Woohoo! Yeah!

(Bender hits a newfound button on himself, and circus music starts playing. Fry claps to the beat as Bender contentedly drinks a beer)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Cut to Leela entering Zapp's chamber. She flips a switch on a device that can be seen protruding out of her back pocket)

Leela (all business): Just sign here Zapp... (puts the package down)

Zapp: Well, well, well... if it isn't the ugly bitch Leela...

(A beat. Zapp pauses his seduction, confused)
 
Leela (playing along): What did you just call me?!

Zapp (nonplussed): I... I don't know... Lines that blunt never get me into pants.  I’m kick me-

Leela (jumping in, hiding elation): What?

Zapp (meekly): I’m ...kick me?

Leela: Alright, but only because you know you deserve it.

(Leela enters her fighting stance, starts a kick)

Zapp (Shielding his face): Please, not my beautiful gonads!

Leela: (a beat) OK. (resumes kick) Heeee-Ya!

(Leela spin-kicks Zapp’s hands into his face, sending him reeling. Zapp lands hard, and the rip of a girdle is heard)

Leela: Now sign this, and don't ever say something like that to me again. (coyly) And to think, I was going to give you another chance...

(Zapp woozily signs the form, midriff bared, and Leela storms out. The camera lingers on Zapp, then dramatically pans to the dicto-swap, now in the corner of the room after falling from Leela’s pocket)

(cut to the Planet Express Ship flight deck)

Leela (giddy): I can't believe how perfectly it all worked; it couldn’t have been more scripted!   Oh, I should have drawn it out longer, the fun was really over before it even started.   (she chuckles appreciatively to herself) Oh, you should have been there...

Fry: (in a child’s party hat with a balloon animal) Nah, we were good.

(Cut to the Planet Express ship landing back home in the evening. Evening changes to night, which changes to morning)

(Fry Leela and Bender are back on the couch, watching the news. Leela has a coffee, Bender has a beer, and Fry is eating straight from a box of Post™ Nasal Drip cereal)

Linda: And in our final story, The Angorians from the planet Felix 7 are about to declare war on Earth, after a disastrous meeting between Angorian Emperor Moreburg and DOOP captain Zapp Brannigan. According to Angorian sources, Captain Brannigan made several fawks passes at the meeting, and has disgraced the honor of Felix 7 for generations to come, Morbo?

Morbo: Morbo insists it’s pronounced “faux pas!”  Here’s the clip!!

Leela: (suddenly realizes something's amiss; spit take) My God, I left the dicto-swap in...

Fry / Bender: Quiet!

(screen shows still pictures of Zapp and the Angorian leader, a long-haired catlike creature, while audio plays)

Zapp: Ah, your Excellency, I have been told it should be an honor to finally meet you, gonads to gonads.

Moreburg (appalled and angered): What are you implying?
 
Zapp: Uh, nothing friendly, I assure you!

Moreburg: Not friendly?  I once thought there could be eternal peace between our civilizations, but you bring that into question...

Zapp (broken): Wait! I apologize. Things have not gone well for Zapp Dumbass today. (he pauses) I've lost the irresistible charisma that has made me the brave and influential leader I am today. I have insulted you and your ugly civilization, and for that I'm kick me...

Moreburg (enraged): Stop this nonsense! You have insulted us enough! This means war on you and your home planet! We will overthrow your civilization as we did Nylar 4’s, and-

(Leela turns off the TV)

Leela: He must have picked up the dicto-swap after I dropped it, and had it with him at that meeting! But... but when did I lose it? (angered) Ohh... the centripetal force from my kick must have forced it out of my back pocket...

Bender: So, by that, you mean you didn't just forget about it while quenching your blood lust? Because that's fine too.

(Leela gives Bender a dirty look)

Fry: Calm down Leela, I'm sure things will be OK. Are you sure that's what happened? Zapp's not really the greatest public speaker. Remember when he tried to defend himself in court? Hell, I'm even better than him.

Bender (abundant sarcasm): Heh, yeah... right.

Fry: You quiet! ...be?

Leela (distraught): Fry, remember our list? It's obvious this is our fault!

(Fry pulls the now crumpled list out of his pants pocket, the camera cuts to it again)

 __________________________
    1. Brannigan = Dumbass
    2. Sexual = Friendly
    3. Lovely = Ugly
    4. Lady =Bitch
    5. Sorry = Kick Me
    6. Face = Gonads
    7.
   __________________________

Leela: That entire conversation makes sense now ...what are we going to do? Earth may be doomed!

(dramatic sting)

Leela: ...and, on an unrelated side note, you own more than one pair of pants for a reason, Fry.
 
Fry: I lose less lists this way.

Bender: Hey, why'd you turn off the TV anyway? (he turns the TV back on)

Leela: Because I needed your full attention for once.

Bender: ...Huh? Yeah, go for it.

Leela: (turning to Fry) Well, you're the one with all the plans now, right? What do you think we should do?

Fry: I don’t know!  My only other good plan was to use the dicto-swap to get you to say you’d date mee-ee- I have no good plans. Only bad plans. (Fry fumbles with his sentence and his collar as Leela narrows her eye)

Bender (excited): Hey, everyone look at Bender!

(Fry and Leela oblige; especially Fry)

Bender (deadpan): OK, now look at the TV. You might find this interesting.

(the TV screen displays Zapp Brannigan at his post on the Nimbus, about to speak)

Leela: Oh great, what are we going to make him say this time?

Zapp: People of Earth, Zapp Brannigan is a man you do not want to mess around with ...unless it's in a sexual way... (winks at camera)

Fry: Well, he's back to his old self again.

Zapp (dramatic): But yesterday, I was a mere puppet. Someone was out to ruin my credibility, and even managed to force Earth, my 2nd favorite planet, into war! I now know who the criminal is. That is why, I, Zapp Brannigan, have authorized the capture and imprisonment of the person who is to blame for all of this...

(Leela, Fry, and Bender lean in anxiously)

Zapp: Lieutenant Kif Kroker!

(Leela's jaw falls agape, Fry's jaw falls agape, the lower half of Bender's face jettisons from his head and rattles around on the floor. He sheepishly picks it up again)

Zapp: My former comrade Kif, ever-jealous of my higher rank and success with the ladies, used some sort of freaky alien mind control ability, thus ruining my chance to score with a woman! Also, to later ruin my meeting with the cat people. As you can see, now that Kif has been locked away in the Nimbus's brig, I've regained control, and since our new sworn enemies don't believe me, I will lead the Earth in a gallant effort to destroy the supremely technologically advanced opponent. It will be a sure victory! (gives the thumbs up)

Leela: I can't believe this...

Fry: Poor Kif...We have to help him! Oh, and Earth if possible.

Leela: If Zapp doesn't know about the dicto-swap yet, then where is it? (she gets an idea) His new suit! The meeting with the Angorians was that one Hermes was talking about... he must have picked it up after he put the suit on and forgotten about it... sigh... idiot.

Bender:  Y’know, the merciless head trauma you dealt out probably didn’t help that.

(Leela sneers at him, them pointedly takes the list from Fry’s hand)

 (cut to Amy, Hermes, Leela, Fry, and Bender at the conference table)

Leela: Ok, so here's the plan. Amy, your job is pretty straightforward. Just beg Zapp to let you see Kif in his cell. Knowing Zapp, he won't trust you, but I'm guessing he'll let you see Kif while keeping close watch; if anything just to hit on you. While you have Zapp occupied, Fry, Bender and I will sneak through the Nimbus's ventilation system, arriving here at Zapp's room.

(she points to a convenient blueprint) We know the suit is here because Kif isn’t around to do laundry. Bender and I will lower Fry down, and he'll find dicto-swap. Hermes?

Hermes: Right. As any well-educated bureaucrat knows, under Angorian law, no act of war can be made without an official declaration. That little outburst last night wasn't official, so I'm guessin' they're going to broadcast the official one tonight. Under article BS12 of this war law, it states that unless their current leader uses the words "We officially declare war on," war cannot be initiated.

Leela: We'll be at that declaration.  We can prevent the war using the same thing that started it all!

Bender: You're going to have sex with Zapp again?

(Leela stares him down once more)

Amy: C'mon... do you really think they won't attack because of one little loophole?

Hermes (jovial): Oh, I do! They're very strict and ritualistic about this stuff. Ahh... ta be Angorian...

Fry: (eager) Oh man, this is gonna be awesome! Just like Mission Impossible! ...only more possible... Let’s go save the world!

Leela (dry) Minutes after dooming it.

Bender:  Hey, as long as we don’t get too far ahead in either category, I’m not complaining.

Amy (impatient): Guys?  Save the world... by tonight?

Leela: Right, let's go!

(Amy, Bender, Fry, and Leela bolt out of the room, leaving Hermes quietly reading over some paperwork. Just then, Zoidberg enters from outside, sopping wet with an unknown liquid)

Zoidberg (flustered): What a day it's been! And now to tell my friend about it in extreme detail... (he joins Hermes)

Hermes (to himself): Why don't I ever go with them?

(another cut to the PE ship docking with the Nimbus)

(Amy is in the control room of the Nimbus pleading with Zapp.)

Amy: ...so you have to let me see my darling Kif!

Zapp: I don't know why you associate with that criminal; especially when you have someone as desirable as me just waiting to rock your world!

Amy (evasive): Oh, uh... I think of you more as an older brother than anything, Zapp.

Zapp: An incredibly sexy older brother?

Amy: Not exactly.

Zapp (stern): All right then, you can see the prisoner. But I'll have both my eyes on you... and possibly a hand or something later. By the way, you wouldn't happen to be from Alabama would you?

Amy: Mars, why?

Zapp: No reason...

(meanwhile, Fry, Leela, and Bender are shimmying through the vents over Zapp's room)

Leela: Ok, Zapp should be occupied now. Fry, let's go.

(Bender hooks Fry to a rope, opens a grate, and shoves him out)

Bender: And don't screw up!

Leela: Bender, cut him some slack!

Bender: Oh, I see! Always defending the human!
 
Leela: No, I mean cut him some slack! (she points)

(camera pans to show that Fry has only been able to descend a foot or two, and is dangling helplessly)

Bender: Oh. (He lets go of the rope entirely. Fry hits the ground with a thud)

Leela: Now find the dicto-swap, and let's get out of here! I have bad memories of this room.

Bender:  I’m sure the room feels the same way about you.

(Fry spots the suit on the bed and checks the pockets)

Fry: Ooh! This is silky! (checks another pocket) Got it!

Bender: OK! (reeling-in sound is heard)

Fry: Yaaaaah! (he is quickly dragged and hoisted up into the grate)

(cut to Leela, Bender, and Fry sneaking back on to the PE ship)

Leela: So far so good, now we just have to wait for Amy to get back. She's probably pleading for Kif, but we can't help him until we stop this war. She's going to have to gonads that.

(Fry and Bender chuckle.  Leela gives a weak smile, takes the dicto-swap from Fry, and turns it off)

(Cut to Amy and Zapp in the brig. Kif is behind bars looking his usual depressed self)

Zapp: So you see, Kif must be kept here until we either come up with a suitable punishment for such a treasonous act, or... I kill him or something.

Amy: But he's innocent! If he could control your mind, why didn't he ever do it before? And why isn't he doing it now?

Zapp: I believe it's standard procedure to answer the second question first. Fear. Kif knows I have the upper hand now, and he has lost the element of surprise. As for the first question...  I, uh...  What do you have to say for yourself, criminal?

Kif (polite): Clearly, sir...

Zapp: Enough blasphemy! (he pronounces this "blasp-hemi" ) Visiting time is over! Now, it's either time to leave (points out the door)...or time for Zapper! (arms akimbo, he winks)

(Amy shudders for a second, then is suddenly hit with an idea.)

Amy: Zapp, since Kif can control words, couldn't he do the same thing to the speaker at the war declaration? He could stop the war, and you would be a hero!

Zapp: I'm already more hero than you could handle!

Amy: Yes...  everyone already knows you’re a great war hero. Now’s your chance to be Zapp Brannigan, peace-keeper!

Zapp (thinking): Well... nothing stokes my ego more than a new title.  And there's nothing Zapp Brannigan, Title Lover, loves more than a good stroking. (he winks yet again).

Kif (sarcastically upbeat): See sir, that was innuendo! Now you get it!
 
Zapp: Quiet you! Now, answer me! Will you give up your treacherous ways, and help me become yet another type of hero?

Kif (defensive): But, sir, I never even... (he rethinks his plight) sigh... I have learned my lesson, sir. You have my eternal loyalty. I will do this for Earth, and for you.

Zapp: Good! Then we will be at that war declaring! (to Amy) But...wait... how is this feeble specimen (he gestures to Kif) going to stop the war?

Amy: Don't worry, Kif knows what to do.(she winks at Kif and turns to go) I love you Kiffy, good luck! (she leaves)

Zapp: OK Kif, you're on the winning side again, but you had better watch yourself! Now, first order of business; what's this war declaration thingy she was talking about?

Kif: (hands over face) Ohh...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Back onboard the PE Ship, Amy, Leela, and Bender are in the control room)

Amy: So now, if everything works out, Kif won't even be in trouble anymore!

Leela: That was very clever Amy... looks like some of my ingenuity has been rubbing off on you...

Amy (sardonic): Yeah. Hey! Maybe someday some of my social skills and fashion sense will rub off on you!

(The phone rings, breaking the brief tense moment.  Amy frowns as Leela turns towards the phone)

Leela:(under her breath)You’d be lucky to have some of that make-up rub off- (she picks up) ...Hello?

Hermes (on vid-screen): Wonderful information, everyone! You won't have to infiltrate any Angorian ships tonight!

Leela (excited): They're not going to declare war?

Hermes: (laughs) Of course they are! However, since Angorians are members of DOOP, DOOP is allowing the announcement to be made at the old DOOP Headquarters, which just happens to be in...

Leela: Weehauken.

Hermes: Be there by 8:00.

Zoidberg (shouting, off camera): Tell them I said ‘hi- *click*

Leela: Well this is just great.  Another trip to New Jersey to see the dumbasses of the universe...

Fry: Yeah, and some of those DOOP people suck too.

(Cut to Leela, Fry, and Bender leaving the PE ship.  They approach the entrance of old DOOP)

Leela: OK, the dicto-swap is set to change "war" into "peace." I think we just have to be in the same room as the speaker, so act casual. Hey, where's Amy?

Fry: She said she didn't want Zapp or Kif to see her there. Might ruin the plan.

(Cut briefly to Amy on the PE ship. Loud music is playing as she practices kickboxing a dummy with a familiar ponytail)

Leela: OK, here we go...

Fry:  I know!

(The crew enters the building, and pass through something resembling a metal detector. A loud alarm goes off as Leela steps through. Three Angorian guards storm the group.)

Angorian 1: They have a dicto-swap! Get them!

Leela: This is unexpected.

Fry (frightened): I thought no one knew about these things!

Angorian 2: (handcuffing Fry) The honor of our planet depends on our leader being able to say one mere phrase correctly. We take all precautions, even against this archaic device.

Angorian 3: (handcuffing Leela): Preventing official declaration of the official declaration is even worse than an assassination attempt. At least then, the war could still carry on with a new leader.

Bender (indifferent): Well, then let us go and we'll just do that... oof! (He is grabbed by the first Angorian. The three are dragged out of the room)

(Cut to the meeting hall at DOOP headquarters. Several Angorians are around the podium, Moreburg is among them. The audience is a motley collection of species, and the camera pans across the crowd, eventually focusing on an extremely butch Earth woman with a baby carriage. This woman is obviously Zapp Brannigan in disguise. Kif is in the carriage, dressed as a baby)

Zapp (whispering): You better do this right, Kif. I didn't dress up like a woman for nothing this time. However... I am one exceedingly sexy woman, aren't I? (he runs his hands up his artificial figure) mmmm... I'm particularly fond of the bosoms.

Kif: I will do my best, uh... sir.

Zapp (normal volume): Babies don't talk, stay in character! (he immediately turns to an attractive alien next to him) Hey there, gorgeous...

(Kif sighs heavily)

Zapp (A little loud): Babies don't sigh either!

(many beings nearby look at Zapp, then awkwardly scoots a few inches away)

Angorian: (At the podium) Please rise for the Angorian Anthem.

(everyone stands, there is a brief pause)

(The Meow-Mix™ jingle resounds through the room. The Angorians stand motionless, hands over hearts. One has a tear in his eye, deeply moved)

(Cut to a DOOP prison cell where Bender, Fry, and Leela are being held. One armed guard is patrolling. Melodic meowing can be heard in the distance.)

Fry: It’s starting! We have to get out of here, now!

Leela: Look!  Now’s our chance!  The other guard isn’t at his post!

(quick cut to an abandoned scratching post nearby)

Bender: I believe it's time for the bending unit to make his presence felt.

(Bender moseys up to the prison bars, checks on a patrol’s position, then super-extends his arm through the bars, swiftly grabbing the guard's gun)

Bender: Freeze!

(The guard puts his hands up. Bender keeps the gun pointed at him, and then bends one of the prison bars with his other arm, skewing it so that he can barely fit through. Advancing on the guard, Bender pistol-whips him, knocking him unconscious. He then steals the guard's keys, unlocks the cell, and opens it. Fry, who was halfway through the opening Bender already made, has to dive out of the way to avoid being hit by the sliding door. With everyone out, Bender goes back to the guard, takes his wallet, picks him up stuffs him into the cell using the original bent opening, bends the bar back into place, then shuts the door)

Leela: That was the most inefficient escape I've ever seen.

Bender: Eh, you get what you’ll pay for later.

 (the commotion over, the meowing in the distance can still be heard, but it soon stops)

Leela: We're almost out of time! We have to get the dicto-swap in range!

(Leela brandishes the device and sprints ahead.  Fry keeps up as best he can, glancing at the dicto-swap)

Fry: Hey, how come they didn't take that away from us?

(Camera zooms out to show the three have just run though yet another metal-detector looking archway. Alarms go off)

Leela: Oh right.

Angorian 2 (off camera): They're over there! Cut them off!

(two armed Angorians block the group just short of the door to the meeting hall)

Angorian 2: (brandishing weapon) Freeze! And turn off that dicto-swap!

Leela (rage suddenly building): Wait ...wait just one damned second! You're telling me that Angorians know what a dicto-swap is capable of, but refuse to believe Zapp's story about not controlling his own words? Did it even occur to you that a dicto-swap might have been involved at the meeting last night?!

Angorian 1: I suppose, but Captain Brannigan's excuse was that a little green man did it. How were we supposed to believe that rambling? (chuckles) Little green men...

Leela (solemn): Look, we're to blame for all this confusion. It was all a misunderstanding caused by this very dicto-swap. Please, look into your hearts. You have to let us stop this peace! (she turns the dicto-swap off) I mean this war. (she turns it back on)

(cut to inside the meeting hall)

Moreburg: Now,  let us get to the point.  I, Emperor Moreburg, and the people of the planet Felix 7...

(next scenes are shown in rapid succession)

(cut to Zapp and Kif)

Zapp (standing up): Now, Kif!  Now!

(cut to Moreburg)

Moreburg: We officially declare-

(cut to Fry bursting though the door with the dicto-swap)

Fry: NOOOOOO-

(cut to Planet Express basement)

(Scruffy eats a potato chip)

(cut back to Fry)

Fry: -OOO!

(he flings the dicto-swap high into the air towards the stage in a desperate attempt to get it in range)
 
(cut to Moreburg)

Moreburg: War on planet Earth!

(cut to Zapp)

Zapp: Damnit Kif!
 
(Cut to the Leela and Bender at the door)

Leela: Oh no!

(cut to the row in front of Zapp and Kif)

(A shady looking character calmly pulls out a blaster. He points it at Moreburg. Meanwhile, the dicto-swap that Fry lobbed down the aisle strikes Zapp in the back. This force, along with the weight of his fake breasts, is enough to send Zapp toppling over the row of seats in front of him, directly on to the man with the gun. An errant shot goes off and whizzes inches above Moreburg's head. As the assassin lies dazed and immobile, pinned under Zapp's weight, the stunned audience gasps, and then bursts into applause)

(Cut to several minutes later. The audience has cleared out. Police are taking the assassin away, and Moreburg is talking to Zapp, while Fry, Leela and Bender watch from afar)

Moreburg: I owe you my life, Captain Brannigan. Following that assassin in disguise then foiling him, even after I affronted you, was truly noble. I thank you. Therefore, I am canceling the war declaration on Earth, and I let it be known that I forgive you for last night, regardless of the validity of your story.

Zapp: Thank you.  It was much more than nothing. And don't you worry; things between me and the little green man are all smoothed out.

(Moreburg rolls his eyes and walks away)

Zapp (whispering into baby carriage): Kif, I don't know how you did it... but... good job.
 
Kif:  Thank you sir. Can I get out now?

Zapp: No.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Cut to the Planet Express building the next morning. Fry, Leela, and Bender are yet again watching TV. The news is on.)

Linda: And so, war has been averted, thanks to the selfless, yet disturbing, actions by Captain Zapp Brannigan.

Morbo: Morbo finds this large man dressed as a woman to be greatly entertaining! Furthermore, NO MAN IN A DRESS WILL THWART MY RACE'S CONQUEST OF THIS PUNY PLANET!

Linda: (chuckles) I'm sure he won't Morbo, I'm sure he won't...

(Leela turns the TV off)

Leela: Well, I guess everything turned out OK.

Fry: Yeah, though I wish those two Angorian guards has just let us go after we explained everything to them...

Bender: Well, no one liked beating them unconscious with their own guns and shoes, then blaming it on the assassin, did they?

(the three share a hearty laugh)

Bender: Well, I'm getting more booze, who wants some?

Fry/Leela: It's 10:00AM!

Bender: Six beers it is. (he leaves the room)

Leela: Well Fry, I guess it's your turn to try out the dicto-swap (she produces it from her pocket).   I've already had my fun I guess...

Fry: No... you were right to begin with; playing with it has bad consequences.

Leela: Well, it was all kind of my fault anyway...

Fry: Eh, it was all of our faults. You should just destroy it. The professor doesn't seem to remember owning it anyway.

(sappy music starts in)

Fry: Look, I know that I... (pause)...Bender!

(cut to Bender, the source of said sappy music, standing in the doorway)

Bender:  Hey, just tryin’ to help...  Fine...

(he hits a button on himself, and the circus music from before starts playing)

Bender: Damnit! It's on the fritz again! (starts punching himself in the midsection)

Fry:  Don’t worry, I got it...

(Fry smoothly walks up to Bender, and swiftly elbows him. The music stops)

Fry: (Fonzie impersonation):  AAAAAYYY...

Bender: Ow... I gotta get that fixed... (he leaves)

Fry: Anyway, Leela, look. I know I'm not perfect, but I've been trying to make myself better recently. Look, I even got new pants!

(Camera zooms in on Fry's pants. He has left the tags on them, which read "Astro-postale" )

Fry: I ordered them when we were flying back from the Nimbus!
 
Leela: That's... good Fry, but if you’re just trying to win me over-

(Fry walks to the window, he stares out of it)

Fry: Well, I’m just trying to match your example...  Leela, do you wanna go out tomorrow night? It, it can be as friends even...

(Camera stays on Fry. There is long, awkward silence)

Leela (off camera): That's very kind of you Fry. I know you try... (pause) Fry, the answer is no, and if you're smart enough, sometime soon you’ll realize why I said that. (she quickly leaves)

(Camera remains on Fry as he soaks in what just happened. Suddenly, he dashes towards the door)

Fry: Leela, wait! Come back!  You have to destroy the-

 (Fry double-takes, the dicto-swap is on)

(Fry snatches the device and checks the controls. His entire demeanor changes in a split second as he gasps)

Fry (ecstatic): She... she said "no!" Woooooh!

(he charges out the door, in pursuit of Leela)

(meanwhile, circus music starts up again in the distance as the camera fades to black)

(as credits roll)

Bender: OK, that’s not working...

(Sounds of him punching himself in the stomach. Circus music switches to sappy music)

Bender: Ow! OK, how about this...

(Sounds of him punching himself in the stomach harder. Circus and sappy music play at same time)

Bender: Ow! Well, what if I...

(Sound of him punching himself in the stomach harder still. Music stops)

Bender: Bender, you're a genius.

THE END

____________

Ah, that was fun. In the old version, I handled ship with all the grace of a 14 year old girl who dots her I's with pictures of Fry and Leela kissing, as I once said.

Anyway, I'd love to hear any comments/feedback/anger people have.  Also, is there any of my original readership out there anyway? (yes, all 5 of you)

[Reply #1 on:]

Hey JBERGES,

How original do they have to be?  Pre 2006?  When did you first write this?

Thanks for the autograph, hope you weren't too weirded out!

[Reply #2 on:]

I'm still here!

[Reply #3 on:]

Five readers?  When I wrote my first fanfic, I would have loved to have had five readers!  Thanks for posting it again.  I had forgotten much of the story so it still seems fresh.

I could post everything I like about it, but that would be an enormous post.  Some of those cut-to jokes are astonishingly hilarious.  I get to do a lot of stuff that isn't work related while at work now that I'm on the midnight shift, and my partner is giving me weird looks each time I start chokeling.

Not to be a Beta-come-lately or Johnny-come-betaly or what have you, but you might want to Ctrl+F these things when you get a moment: "staring Kif expectantly" and "posiontion".

[Reply #4 on:]

Nice.

[Reply #5 on:]

The title of this thread is enough humour for me today.

Aww, what the heck, I've read the original, how bad can this be?

[...]

I want an autograph too! And unlike some people, I have absolutely no problem with you being weirded out!

[Reply #6 on:]

This is the first, last and only time in my life I am ever going to use this:

ZOMG!!!!

You just made my day.

[Reply #7 on:]

Once again, you have asserted your status of "Next best thing to actual Futurama." Also, I had to stifle myself when I read the thread title to avoid waking my roommate.

[Reply #8 on:]

Best thread title EVER.  I guess I'm not an original reader (I got here in '05) but I've read everything that you posted in your old thread, and loved all of it. 

[Reply #9 on:]

New reader here, but I absolutely loved that fic and I'm looking forward to reading more.

[Reply #10 on:]

I'm a noob, so this is my first foray into your works, and you've got another new reader in me!(so that's why you're doing this! :P) Gotta agree with soylentOrange about the thread title ( ) ,but...
 

Zapp: By the way, you wouldn't happen to be from Alabama would you?
Amy: Mars, why?
Zapp: No reason...

This is possibly an American in-joke? I'm from Australia if anyone mentions the word "crikey", I swear..., and I don't get the referrence. In the famous words of one of our politicians: Please explain. (Look at paragraph 5 of the political background section)

Back on topic, interesting story. Wouldn't mind seeing a new version of your other ones.

[Reply #11 on:]

Alabama: Where the men are men and the sheep are scared.

[Reply #12 on:]

I thought that was wales...

[Reply #13 on:]

No, Wales is where the toothbrush was invented.

You can tell, because if it had been invented anywhere else, it would've been called the teethbrush.

[Reply #14 on:]

 

Originally posted by Xanfor:
Alabama: Where the men are men and the sheep are scared.

*"Glory, Glory Hallelujah" is hummed in the background while a flag waves*

Where the gene pool is shallower than Paris Hilton.

Where "higher education" is the factoid on the inside of a Snapple cap.

Where 42 is not just the answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, but the number of teeth in the average town.

Where even the tricycles have gun racks.

Where everyone calls everyone brother... and cousin... and uncle....

[Reply #15 on:]

Bah!  I wrote a well thought out response to everyone, then PEEL ate it.  Short Version:


kaotik: Yup, just a goofy American incest joke; Zapp's response to Amy calling him a brother.  I have 4 more fics to redo, so stick around if you feel so inclined.

JustN:  Creeped out? .... perhaps a bit, but surprised more than anything.  Also, you're older than I expected (no offense intended) so that threw me off.  I'll try to make the sig worth something someday.  Wrote this in May 2004 as a spry college freshman.  Time flies...

Venus:  Yes you are!

km:  I used ZOMG once too... after that small earthquake a couple weeks ago.  Stupid California.

DrT;  Good catches.  Looks like I tried to type the word poison in there or something

SO/SW/SP:  Your names all have convenient abbreviations!!

Anor/Xan:  you... less so.

Kryten:  After all these years you finally make an appearance?  Your fics were the first I enjoyed, yknow.


Thanks all for reading, I appreciate you taking the time to respond.  I'll try to have the next one done by Christmas, though I admit it was my least favorite, so it may take extra time.  In fact, perhaps you should just avoid it and hold out to the 3rd one...

[Reply #16 on:]

J: I've been back for a couple of months now. Ya gotta pay attention, man.

[Reply #17 on:]

 

Originally posted by JBERGES:
In fact, perhaps you should just avoid it and hold out to the 3rd one...

Oh, stop with the modesty. They're all great. The first three, in particular, were so close to being like actual episodes, from what I remember. I read all these back in June and July, but I'm ready to re-read 'em! They're what made me really want to join PEEL, basically.

I'm just honored to have the chance to post in the thread of such a legend. 

[Reply #18 on:]

Ah yes.. Perfumed By An Unseen Censor. It was hysterically funny the first time I read it. It was hysterically funny the second time... and it still is hysterically funny.
Then again, I'm easily amused... oh look, a paperclip.   

[Reply #19 on:]

 

Yup, just a goofy American incest joke; Zapp's response to Amy calling him a brother. I have 4 more fics to redo, so stick around if you feel so inclined.

Ah! That explains it. The other answers passed a few feet over my head. 
I believe I do "feel so inclined" enough to stick around. Everyone always mentions your (screen)name when talking about "the Fan Fiction greats" or "the old crowd" or whatever. At least now I'll know what they're talking about! Plus, the alternative is catching up on maths

BTW: Corvus: Trade it for a house!

[Reply #20 on:]

OK.

This. Took. Forever. 

But I said I'd do it, and I did!  And I still don't really like it.  A lot of edits, trimming of bad jokes, and reworking took place.  I guess the plot still plays out pretty well, and it picks up some steam near the end.  But no, definitely least proud of this one.  Hope it's a bit enjoyable, or at least brings some nostalgia.
_________________________

The Bearer of Bad News


(Opening Credits and Music: Caption: Like Logan's Run, Without the Calisthenics)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Shot of Bender and Leela on the couch watching TV. Bender has a beer, Leela has a sandwich.)

(Fry enters, whistling quite happily. No one pays attention, so he whistles a bit louder)

Leela: Well, someone's unassumingly happy!

Fry (eager): I've finally got it all figured out!

Bender: (While getting up) What, the English language? (He laughs)

Fry: Better! I've had an epiphany! (Fry casually looks at his hand. "Ipifanny" is scribbled on his palm).

(Bender leaves, uninterested. Fry doesn't seem to care)

Leela (wary): And only I'm involved here?

Fry (resolute): Look, don't worry, I figure it's about time I give it a rest. If there's anything really between us, which there is, you know I'll be waiting here for you make the next move.

Leela (surprised): Well, that's... great., actually. Maybe things will be a bit less- (Cut to show Fry is staring at her expectantly) ... what?


Fry (romantic faux-whisper) : The next...

Leela (suppressing rage): Fry...


Fry: (he leans over her) ... move?

(Leela takes an unflattering bite of her sandwich.  Fry shuffles uncomfortably as she chews and swallows, then continues in stride)

Fry: The next...

(A de-manhoodifying thud is heard, and Fry's eyes cross as he falls to the ground in a heap. Leela storms off. Zoidberg enters simultaneously, and sees Fry on the ground clutching his groin)

Zoidberg: There is nothing sadder than seeing a man with a broken heart... (shakes his head) Don't worry Fry; I'm sure it's only internal bleeding. You'll lose less blood that way.

Fry: (strained): I'll be fine.

(Leela enters, she begrudgingly produces an icepack)

Leela: Here. (She drops it from waist height onto Fry's crotch)

Fry: Oomph! Thanks...

(Bender enters.  he has changed into his golf attire from “The Sting”)

Bender:  Hey, Professor says we’re all going golfing, so make with the argyle and get a move on!

Leela:  Please… we have plenty of time.  If we are going golfing, first, he’s going to wander in here, sputter something like “Good news, everyone!” and then Hermes will hold a meeting about us going golfing, and that’s only if…

(The professor and Hermes burst through the wall Kool-Aid Man style in a golf-cart and traverse the room)

Farnsworth:   (Doppler effect) Good-news-everyone-we’re-going-golfing...

(The golf cart smashes through the opposite wall)

(Awkward pause)

Leela:  I guess we'll... meet them there.  I’ll pick up my clubs, Fry, you pick up your balls and we can go.

(Fry moans something indistinguishable)

Bender:  Fine, I’ll get the argyle!

Zoidberg: Well I'm not much a fan of your human game but for a day with with my friends-

(Camera zooms out. Everyone, even Fry, has somehow left already)

Zoidberg: Oh...

(Cut scene of the PE Ship landing at the golf course just as Farnsworth and Hermes arrive by cart.  A sign reads: “Senior Golf Day: Like every day, but with discounts ”)

(Cut to, Hermes, Farnsworth, Fry, Leela, and Bender walking with golf equipment.  Fry now has an argyle tie, and Leela is wearing an argyle baseball cap.)

Leela:  It's great that we all get to play for free because you’re literally unspeakably old.

Farnsworth:  Yes, but the deal was only good for the first hundred customers, so you now see why the all the rushing and wall breaking was necessary.

Fry:  Why aren’t we taking the cart?

Farnsworth:  Cart?  What cart?

(They’ve reached the 1st tee.  Fry examines a monitor by the tee box)

Fry: What’s this thing do?

Leela:  That’s a drive-tracker.  The camera follows your ball and shows you exactly where it landed.

(Hermes takes his drive.  A small hover-camera fires out of the back of the monitor and chases the ball.  On the screen the crew sees the ball roll to a stop on the fairway.  The hover-camera returns.)

Fry:  Cool My turn!

(Fry puts the ball and tee down, and without as much as a practice swing, hacks at the ball, which hooks exceedingly left.  The hover-camera follows in pursuit as the crew watches the screen.  They see a blurry fly-by of many trees, a fence, a road, and a frightened pedestrian who dodges the ball, but is hit in the face with the camera.  The screen goes to snow)

Hermes:  Your turn, Leela.

Leela:  Actually, I’ll be playing from the ladies’ tees. (Points to the ladies' tee, many yards forward)

Hermes:  See, now dats just unfair, it smacks of feminine manipulation!

Leela (readying a backhand)  Wanna see what else it smacks of? (Hermes shields his face and Fry shields his crotch) (she lightens up) Fine, I’ll play from here, I can whoop you all anyway. (She places her ball down) Except maybe the Professor.

(Quick pan of the entire hole, tee boxes to green.  Ten yards from the green, there is another tee-box that reads “Ages 146 and up”) 

Voice Off-screen:  Hey jerks, we’re waiting here!  In fact, just get the hell out of the way, we’re playing through!

(Mom, Walt, Larry, and Ignar join the crew)

Leela:  Mom?  Why would you play golf on discount day?

Mom:  It makes me seem more sweet, gentle, and kind to the public.

Ignar:  But mommy-

Mom:  Shove an ass up your face you dumb crap!

Walt: (nervous)  Mother, you shouldn’t..

Mom: I said bite a bastard you bitch! (slaps him) These idiots know me, remember? I’m in this getup (she indicates her fat-suit) for the media coverage I’ll be getting at the 18th hole.  So lets hurry up and play the freaking game.

Farnsworth:  I... I still love you... (he smiles)

(Mom turns to him)

Mom:  You...   I hate you with every wrinkle on my body you two-timing sack of senility!

Farnsworth:  But... but... we’re meant for each other.  You’re a Libra; I’m a Cancer.

Mom:  I’m a Scorpio, and you had cancer!  Now get the hell out of my sight before I stuff your orifices with rodents! (smacks Larry)

Larry: Ow!  What did I do?  (Walt slaps him)

(Farnsworth frowns, he turns and starts walking towards the 146+ tees)

Mom:  Let’s get this damn game over with…

(Walt sets the ball and tee down, Larry hands her a club, and Ignar holds up a "Cram It" sign. Mom takes a practice swing, and then takes her shot.  The ball rockets low off the tee, and strikes the professor, who has only walked a number of yards down the side of fairway.  He falls unconscious.  Everyone gasps.)

Mom: Oh, crap. Someone say something apologetic.

Ignar: Whoooooooooooooopsie...

(Mom glares at him as the others run to Farnsworth)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Leela, Fry, Bender, and Hermes crowd around the fallen Professor.  His glasses have shattered, and he’s bleeding lightly from a cut on his forehead.)

Hermes:  Quick, stop the bleeding before loses too much blood!

Fry:  It stopped!

Hermes (worried): Well, thats all of it!

Leela: (attempting CPR) He’ll need a transfusion right away!  Oh, why did Amy have to visit Kif this week!  We don’t have a donor!

Walt: (somber) An ambulance is on the way.  (upbeat) Thirty seconds or his autopsy’s free! (somber) We’d hate for Mother to get caught up in such a tragic manslaughter case...

Leela: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5! (She punches down on Farnsworth’s chest)
*Snap*
1, 2, 3, 4, 5! (She punches down again) 
*Pop- Crrack!*

 (A hover ambulance arrives, and two paramedics start to take the Professor aboard)

Leela (shouting):  He needs blood, but we don’t have a donor!  Is there anything you can do?

Paramedic: No.  (they drop the Professor and start to leave)

Fry:  There’s blood all around us!  What about my blood, or your blood?

Leela:  Blood doesn't work like that, it has to match!  Me, you, and that bag Bender always carries with him are all the wrong type!

(Cut to Bender, chest compartment open and bag of blood in hand)

Bender: Aw. (he drops it)

Fry:  Hermes?

Hermes: Uh... I’m not allowed ta donate for some reason. (nervous cough)

Ignar (sad): Mommy...is that man going to die?

(Mom looks to the Professor and back to Ignar.  Her countenance changes noticeably)

Mom:  (sigh) No ...no he’s not.  Ignar, go with the nice doctors.

Ignar: But...

Mom (stifled): Do it or I take a cheese-grater to your eyes!

Ignar:  whimper  (He obliges)

Mom (in character):  Excuse me, doctors, my son here can donate blood to that poor old man.

(The paramedics take Ignar and the Professor aboard and climb into the hover-ambulance)

Mom (pensive):    He’ll be OK as long as they know what they’re doing.

(The ambulance abruptly floors it in reverse, knocking Bender to the ground before it flies away)

Leela: Mom? How did you know the Professor’s blood-type, let alone that Ignar has the same?

Walt:  I was just wondering the same thing.

Mom: (nearly in character)  All right kiddies, I suppose it's time mother told you all a story.  So sit your freaking asses down!

(Everyone gathers around her)

Mom: (sigh) Seventy-three years ago, Hubert and I were... romantically entangled.

Bender:  And physically entangled!  Wooooooooooh!

(Mom glares at him)

Bender (sincere): I’m sorry.  (dejectedly starts walking away)

Mom:  Anyway, I already had my entire company’s future planned.  About fifty years hence, I was to adopt two boys, and they would grow up to take the company over when I died.  I didn't want children of my own, but unfortunately, a short while after Mothers' Day, 2931, I learned that I was pregnant.  This illegitimate child would ruin my perfect image and plans, so I kept the pregnancy a secret under my fat suit.  When Ignar was born, I had him cryogenically frozen until 45 year later, the time when I adopted the two baby boys I had planned on.  I raised them as all if they were all my own, by then I had the power to twist the gullible media into believing 'Dad' has passed away..

Larry:  So... I’m not your biological son?

Mom:  No, Larry.  I know this must be upsetting for you…

Larry:  Not really.

(Meanwhile, a smiling Walt takes a notebook and pen out of his pocket.  He makes a mark on it.  Camera cut to his view, it’s a list:

  Problems:
    Megalomania
    Avarice
    Oedipus Complex
    Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

He puts it away)       

Mom:  A simple paternity test obtained by bribing Hubert’s doctor proved my worst fears, the pregnancy wasn’t immaculate.  It also gave me the blood information I know today…as well as my ever-present disdain for that man.  But still, I couldn’t let him die in front of his son.

Fry:  Wow, that’s an amazing-

Mom (Defense mechanisms kicking back in):  Tell anyone and I’ll rupture your pancreas!

Leela:  We won’t tell. We value our lives.  You know, you’d think a child conceived by you and the Professor would turn out somehow ...uh...

Mom:  Smarter?  Yeah, they say being frozen for that long screws with your mind and makes you dense.

(everyone looks at Fry)

Fry (confused):  ...what?  Oh... I get it.  (wipes at his nose with his sleeve)

(Cut to PE building:  Bottom of screen reads: 2 days later)

(Leela escorts the Professor into the room)

Farnsworth:  Good news everyone, I forgot to die again!

Fry:  And you said your lack of memory would never pay off.

Farnsworth:  I never said that! Shut up!   Anyway, the doctor said I’m as healthy as before the injury, minus a few broken ribs which occurred for apparently no reason.

(Leela guiltily smiles and looks away, tugging at her hair)

Farnsworth: He even said I can give my lecture at the Boring Scientific Improvement Convention tonight.  It’s about improving the absorption efficiency of paper towels!

(He hands Fry a flier)  
__________________________
  Professor Hubert Farnsworth Presents:

         Seminar on the Absorption Efficiency of Paper Towels

                It’s Sop-errific!   
___________________________


Farnsworth:  And more good news... for me! You’re going!  You owe it to me after forcing me to go golfing.

Leela:  Yeah, speaking of that, did the doctors ever tell you what happened while you were unconscious?

Farnsworth:   They said a mystical anonymous donor gave me blood!

Fry (patronizing):  And that’s exactly what happened.

(Hermes and Zoidberg enter)

Hermes:  Sweet orange crested gillet indigenous to Niperius 7, he’s back already!

Zoidberg:  Oh… (Pulls out an extremely ornate certificate of death signed by him, complete with calligraphy) someday maybe I’ll be able to use this.

(Bender arrives at the front door, a bit rusted and dazed)

Bender:  Ugh, that’s the last time I walk home from New Jersey...

Farnsworth:  Great!  Everyone is just in time for my boring presentation!

Bender:  I’m cheese’n it!   (runs back out the door)

Hermes:  An’ I have a date with my wife. (follows Bender)

Zoidberg (fervent):  Can I have a ticket?!  I must have a ticket!  (grabs one)

Farnsworth:  Looks like Fry Leela and Zoidberg.  Which is good, because I only got three tickets.

Fry:  It’s always us!  We never get any respect!  No respect at all…just like that guy in my time!  What was his name? (thinks)   Rodney…uh… (thinks)  Rodney… (thinks) …King.

(Establishing shot of convention building.  Sign in front reads:  “Today: Boring Scientific Improvement Convention.  Tomorrow:  Steven Hawking’s Head in a Nutshell”)

(Cut to a Lecture Hall, about 1/3 full.  The Professor is about to speak.  Fry, Zoidberg, and Leela sit, in that order, in an otherwise empty row)

Leela:  We needed tickets for this?

Fry: Well, at least the concessions are good… (Takes a huge gulp from a beaker labeled “Toxic”)   Ahh, it’s true; absinthe does make the heart grow fonder.

(Leela just stares at him.  Fry twitches, and promptly drops the beaker to clutch his chest)

Fry (whining): Ow, my heart hurts.

Farnsworth:  Ahem.  Greetings, everyone.  The history of absorbent paper is long and not nearly as absorbing as the towels themselves...

(Suddenly, Ignar bursts through the back door of the hall)

Ignar:  Daddy!   Daaaddy!   I found you! (He runs towards the front)

(Walt and Larry enter in pursuit)

Walt: (To Larry) You had to tell him, didn’t you.

Ignar: Daddy!   I love you!

Farnsworth:  Who the hell are you?  I don’t remember having a child!

Zoidberg(wistful):  The offspring have finally migrated back to their place of birth… the cycle is complete.

Farnsworth: Tripe!  All tripe!  Fathering a child your age would require some sort of prostate!

Leela: (shouting)  No, it’s true Professor! You see-

Fry:  Leela, No!  Mom will kill us!

Walt: (stopping)  It’s too late for salvation now.  Well... I’d better prepare. (slaps Larry, then himself)  Hmmm. (He takes out his list, and adds "masochism" )

Leela:  (walking up the aisle) Ignar is your and Mom’s son, born 73 years ago, and then frozen like Fry for 50 years.  It was Ignar that donated the blood to you!

(By now Ignar has reached Farnsworth)

Farnsworth: Could it be?  I have a biological son? (his face turns fearful) and... is it now publicly known?

Entire Hall:  Yes.

(Farnsworth grabs Ignar by the arm) 

Farnsworth (frantic):  We have to get out of here, now!  (starts to drag Ignar away)

Walt:  Wait just one minute!  (he and Larry advance on the Professor)

(Farnsworth grabs a display roll of paper towel, and waves it at them menacingly)

Farnsworth (crazed):  Get back!

Fry:  Careful, it’s quilted!

(Walt and Larry back away.  The Professor leads Ignar away as quickly as he can.  They disappear off screen)

Leela(worried):  What could that be about?

Zoidberg (ecstatic):  A lecture, a reunion, and a mystery... what a wonderful night!

Leela:  You have no sense of the gravity of anything, do you?

Zoidberg (depressed):  I can’t help if I’m not native to a planet this size.

Fry:  We’d better get going.  They could be miles away by now!

(Farnsworth and Ignar burst through the wall in the Professor’s golf cart, traverse the hall, and exit through the opposite wall) 

Ignar: (Doppler)  Weeeeeeeee!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Cut to the PE ship landing at the PE building, just as the bullet proof shutters deploy)

(Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg exit the ship)

Leela: Whatever has the Professor troubled must be really bad. I mean, he apparently managed to remember it.

Fry:  Are you sure we'll find him here?

(Farnsworth enters)

Farnsworth: Of course!  It's the only place I'm safe!

Leela (motioning to the ship): I'll fly you two anywhere in the universe. That is... after you tell us what's going on, of course.

Farnsworth: (long sigh) The truth is... I wasn't always the moral, assiduous scientist you know today. (He puts down his copy of "Apocalypse Sooner" magazine) Ninety years ago marks one of my first great autonomous robotic creations... the Robot Devil.

(Fry attempts to spit-take, but was not in fact drinking anything, so only air comes out)

Fry: You made the Robot Devil? You bastard!

Farnsworth: Now, now, the only bastard around here is him (points to Ignar on the other side of the room. He waves blithely)  Well, not the current version, of course, it a much simpler model.

(Flashback: a younger Professor tweaks a rudimentary Robot Devil)

Farnsworth (narrating): Sadly, something completely unexpected happened while I was calibrating the temptation inductor...

Leela: You were tempted.

Farnsworth: No one could ever have seen it coming...

(Flashback: Professor adjusts a "Temptations" control dial through "low", "medium", "Motown", and "high" )

Farnsworth (narrating):  He promised a nerdy, balding scientist success with woman...

(Flashback: Professor punches out some holes on a punch card, and signs it)

Farnsworth: I, of course, accepted his offer, because I thought I had tricked him. I promised to give up my first born son, knowing full well that I would never have children!

(Flashback: Professor feeds the card into the robot, who begins to laugh maniacally, but then powers down and falls limp. Farnsworth turns a small crank on the side of the robot, and it picks up where it left off.)

Farnsworth: But now, it seems fate has proved a crueler mistress than Mom herself.

Fry: That's what you get for making deals with the devil! (idly cracks his knuckles)

(Leela gives him a sideways glance)

Farnsworth (dramatic): What a fool I was! I should have had more faith in my notorious sexual prowess... I didn't need his help at all! However, I assume the deal is still in effect, and therefore the current Robot Devil must have a record of it somewhere. I just know he'll be after Ignar as soon as he catches wind of today's events...

(Cut to robot hell. The Robot Devil is looking over some recent forms, as well as an extremely dilapidated punch-card.)

Robot Devil: Hmm... how superbly intriguing! This may very well be the longest running deal with the devil ever!

Demon: What about that thing with the Fox Network?

Robot Devil: I stand corrected. (Quickly checks the papers again) As much as I'd love to do the deed myself, I do have a book club meeting in 15 minutes... plus... now I'll have to write some sort of upbeat song for welcoming a human to robot hell. (sigh) Hey iSpy, get over here!

(A relatively small, laser pistol-toting robot emerges.)

iSpy: Yes, sir?

Robot Devil: (handing over papers) Kidnap this man. Or, if you must, just fatally wound him. Damned if I know what we'll do with him here.

iSpy: Yes sir!

(Cut back to the Planet Express building)

Fry: Well... let's just pick somewhere safe then. Uh... how's the sun this time of year?

Leela (jadedly): A little hot for us.

Zoidberg (impudent): Oh, Mr. Fancy Hot Sun isn't good enough for us? He thinks the whole world revolves around himself he does!

Leela (near boiling): Can you two last five seconds without saying something stupid?!

...

...

(cough)

...

(Fry and Zoidberg high-five)

Farnsworth: Yes, perhaps we should run away like schoolgirls. I just need a little while to pack. Until then, no one let anyone in or out!

Leela: (watching Ignar stare into space) I wonder what's really wrong with him...

Fry: What do you mean? He's probably just a little... oh... what's the word... ...slow.

Leela: He's not stupid, he seems almost damaged.  Maybe he has social issues because he was raised by Mom... or he's autistic, or has Asperger's syndrome...

(Fry bursts out laughing)

Leela: What's so funny?

Fry: Nothing... nothing... (aside) heh-heh... ass-burgers...

Leela: (derisive) Ugh... maybe it was the freezing.

(Farnsworth enters with a suitcase and a metal box with a handle)

Farnsworth: Freezing doesn't make you stupid! And I'll prove it too!

Leela: Finally!  Is that all your stuff? We need to get going! ...what's in the lead box?

Farnsworth: Oh, that's just my cat, Schrödinger...

Leela: Is he even alive in there?

Farnsworth: Well... yes and no... (heads towards the ship) Now, let's go to the lab and I'll prove that cryogenics is safe.

Leela (Frustrated): I worked at a cryogenics lab! I know it's safe! Besides, we have to leave!!

Fry: (turning to Leela) Hey Leela?

Leela (daggers): What?

Fry (Pavlovian): Nothing! Actually, I'll be right back. (Leaves the room)

Leela (shouting after him): Instead of talking to me you should talk to Ignar! You're related to him too you know!

Zoidberg: (Now standing near Ignar) Way ahead of you... (moving to Ignar) Sooo… staring into space, eh? Mind if your good chum Zoidberg joins you?

(Ignar nervously murmurs and backs away)

Leela: (bitter) I doubt he, or anyone for that matter, thinks you're their chum.

Zoidberg (indignant): Bender said I was big pile of chum just yesterday!

Farnsworth (off screen): Everyone to the laboratory!

(Cut to Zoidberg, Ignar, and Leela entering the lab where the Professor is readying a cryo-tube)

Leela (calmer): I never knew you could actually buy one of these things...

Farnsworth: One confession per day is enough, thank you. Now, (he opens the tube door) Leela, you're a relatively intelligent female. Well, just get in the tube, and I'll freeze you for 30 years. When you get out, you'll be just as smart as before!

Leela: That's the... (pauses to count)... seventh stupidest thing I've heard all day! C'mon, you'll be safer on another planet until I figure out how to get you out of this mess.

Farnsworth: Relax, we're safe here as long as no one’s foolish enough to disable the-

(There is a knock on the metal outside)

Farnsworth (musical): Who iiiiiis it?

Bender: B-

(Farnsworth retracts the shutters via remote)

Bender (entering): -ender.

(Leela grabs remote and deploys shutters again)

Leela: Professor! That could have been anyone! (she puts the controller down) Bender, what are you doing here?

Bender: Well, I had nothing to do tonight, and I was gonna loot the place... but now you're here, soooo I’m still going to. Hey, what the hell are you doing here?

Leela: It's long and complex. (she glares at Farnsworth) The important thing is we're all leaving very soon.

(There is another knock on the metal outside)

Farnsworth (again, musical): Who iiiiiis it?

iSpy: Uh... Bender.

(The Professor tries to hit the button but Leela slaps the control out of his hand)

Leela: Perfect... Ok, can we leave sometime before Ignar is captured?

Farnsworth (grumpy): I've changed my mind again! We're safer here. What is he going to do, drill under the building and pop up over there? (He points to a random spot on the ground, which the camera pans to)

(Extremely loud drilling noise is heard. Everyone looks at the floor)

(Suddenly, iSpy bursts through the floor, not where the Professor was pointing, but directly under Zoidberg, sending him careening into the cryo-tube. The door slams on him. Meanwhile, iSpy points a gun at Ignar, but is knocked to the ground by Bender, who has utilized a conveniently placed metal folding chair or other blunt object.)

Leela: Scramble!

(Leela, seemingly effortlessly, grabs the Professor and Ignar over each shoulder. She and Bender scatter while iSpy recuperates and tries to find his dropped pistol)

(Cut to Zoidberg in the tube)

Zoidberg: Uh-oh...

(The tube activates and flash freezes)

Zoidberg: Ha! The joke's on them! I'm... cold... bloooooooooo

(Zoidberg's movements slow as his voice deepens to a low baritone)

Zoidberg: -ded (All movement ceases. Then he blinks. Excruciatingly slowly)

(iSpy finds his gun and dashes out of the room. Meanwhile, Fry enters, just missing a fatal encounter. He appears to have a semblance of limp in his gait as he notices Zoidberg in the cryo-chamber.)

Fry: Waiter, I ordered the fresh lobster... haha! Swish! (he looks around; no one was there to hear his witticism) Hey, where did everyone go? (he disengages the cryo-tube) Dr. Zoidberg, what's going on? Where’s Leela?

Zoidberg: (recovering) ooooooooh... It was awful! My whole life flashed before my eyes! (starts sobbing) It was depressing!

Fry: Get to the point!

Zoidberg: (wipes his eyes) Some robot is trying to kill Ignar already!

Fry: Oh no! I should do something! (He exits)

Zoidberg: (Sudden realization) Oh no! My precious Slinkies! I have to get them from the supply closet before we go!

(He boldly sets out, only to fall into iSpy's entrance hole. A faint 'thud' is heard)

(Meanwhile, Bender, Leela, Farnsworth, and Ignar converge on the PE ship)

Leela: Let's go! Let's go! Everyone on the ship!

(iSpy comes through the door, weapon drawn)

iSpy: Freeze! Surrender the first born or face the consequences!

Bender: Which are?

iSpy: First, a warning shot. Second, I will shoot the first born. Third, I will accidentally shoot the old man, and then fourth...

Bender (arrogant): Alright already! Geez! For an assassin you're pretty damn talkative! I mean shouldn't you at least-

iSpy (monotone): Warning shot. (he shoots Bender)

Bender: Ow! (resuming arrogance) Is that the best you got? Didn't even make a hole in me!

Leela: Shut up, Bender!

iSpy: Time's up!

)(Slow motion: iSpy aims the gun at Ignar and puts his finger on the trigger)

Bender (decelerated voice):  Nooooooooo!

(Slow motion: Bender starts a horizontal dive towards Ignar. Mid-flight, he grabs the Professor, using him as his human-shield whilst he is robot-shielding Ignar. Leela looks somewhat appalled)

(Normal speed: Bender and the Professor hit the ground hard off camera)

Farnsworth: (off-screen) Ow! My further-broken ribs...

(No shot has been fired. Camera cuts back to iSpy, who is now facing the other way, pointing the gun at Fry, who had apparently snuck up behind him with a metal pipe)

Fry: (nervous laugh) Uh... heh-heh... hi.

(iSpy aims the gun at Fry's head)

Fry (panicked): No, wait! You don't have to kill me! I'm not even the one you're looking for!

iSpy: (brief chuckle) How ‘bout a compromise?

(He aims the gun at Fry's crotch and fires. Fry is thrown backwards to the ground)

(Cut to the crew wincing in horror. All except Ignar, conspicuously absent)

Cut to Ignar, who has taken this opportunity to sprint away. He heads down the hallway. iSpy turns back around and notices)

iSpy: Aw, damnit. (He follows Ignar down the hallway, firing haphazardly)

(Leela breaks into a sprint to follow iSpy, but halts herself and instead runs to Fry's side, who is sprawled on the ground, the front of his pants singed black)

Leela: (shaking him) Fry! Can you hear me? Are you OK?

Fry (regaining wits): Aww... ow... uh... yeah. Yeah... I think I'm OK. (he shoves his hand down the front of his pants)

(cut to Leela averting her eye)

*PING!*

(Leela looks back to see that Fry has removed a scorched metal plate from the inside of his pants and dropped it to the ground)

Leela: A... crotch-shield? But- but how did you know he was going to shoot you in the... (She thinks back to prior events, and the pieces fall into place) Hey, wait a minute. You wanted to tell me something... just what were you planning on saying this time?

Fry: (The most scared he’s been so far) Uh... nothing flirtatious! I swear!

Leela: Arggh, just forget it!

(She helps him up and they join Bender, who is carrying Farnsworth like a shield, down the hallway)

(Cut to iSpy, who has been banging on the supply closet door)

iSpy: Get out of there! If you give yourself up, I‘ll kill you less!

Ignar (timid): No!

iSpy: Fine then, the hard way it is... (He begins shooting at the door. The lock eventually gives way, and he enters the dimly lit closet) All right you little... huh?

(Camera pans to show iSpy is standing directly next to a large scrap metal bar. This bar has one of Zoidberg's metal Slinkies stretched around it, and to each end of the coil one of Farnsworth's various lengths of wire is attached. The camera follows these wires to the terminals of an industrial battery, recently taken out of its package. A hand is grasping the on/off switch, and flips it on)

iSpy: Nooooo! (His head is yanked towards the end of the bar, sparks fly)

(Leela and the rest arrive at the supply closet)

Leela: Ignar! Ignar! Are you- (She sees iSpy) Oh my God.

(Bender quickly jumps back)

Bender: It's the thing I saw in those dreams! (He drops Farnsworth and runs away screaming)

Farnsworth: (from the ground) It's a giant electromagnet! But how did...

(Everyone looks to Ignar)

Ignar: I... I stopped the bad metal man daddy!

Leela: I knew he wasn't dumb! He just has no social skills.

Farnsworth: Oh, no, I'd still say he's pretty stupid... but it looks like at least some of that mad-scientist gene kicked in. (he smiles, content)

(Ignar turns the battery off, iSpy crumples to the ground, short-circuiting)

Leela: I'm glad you're safe, Ignar. (She hugs him)

(Ignar twitches very uncomfortably and whimpers while in Leela's embrace)

Farnsworth: Yes, safe... for now.

Fry: Uh, Leela... I'm safe too y'know.    Really safe!

Leela: Fry, if I stopped to console you every time you almost died, I'd never get anything done.

Fry: True.

Farnsworth: We have to do something about this Robot Devil... he's still going to have it out for Ignar.

Fry: All because you wanted to get lucky. Pretty pathetic when you think about it.

Farnsworth (thinking about it): Get lucky? Pathetic?! That's it! Dress cool folks, we're going to robot hell! (takes off his pants) Well, everyone except Ignar, I suppose...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Cut to robot hell. The Robot Devil is writing down some words on a notepad. He turns on a needlessly futuristic looking metronome)

Robot Devil (singing):

"And though you may have trepidations,
'bout human/robot amalgamations,
Forget the moral implications,
And suffer through the integrations!

You'll be tortured too in robot hell!"

(He ends with a pose, decides he doesn't like it, and tries another one)

Robot Devil: sigh... I'm probably wasting too much effort on this. No one appreciates the dark arts anymore.

(Enter Bender, Fry, Leela, Hermes, Zoidberg, and the Professor. All are dressed quite coolly, sporting Hawaiian clothes and/or sunglasses)

Robot Devil: I was unaware Hell was so accessible to tourists...

Fry: This ends here Beelzebot. You have no right to go after Ignar!

Robot Devil: Oh, I believe I do! Saggy McWrinkles over there promised his first born son in exchange for my predecessor's services.

Hermes: Exactly! And your predecessor provided none!

Robot Devil: You can't prove that.

Hermes: Professor, that sexual prowess you speak of... just how amazin' was it?

Farnsworth (shamed): Uhhh... not as notorious as I made it out to be.

Hermes: In fact, how many sexual partners have you had in your entire life?

Farnsworth: Well... counting all those prostitutes?

Hermes: Countin' them.

Farnsworth (sad): One.

Robot Devil: And was this before or after your little deal?

Farnsworth (sheepish): After.

Robot Devil: Well, it wasn't much, but it counts. My precursor must have corrupted or beguiled that woman into sleeping with you.

Farnsworth: It was love, damnit! Robots can't cause love!

Bender: And you're talking about Mom! It was our beloved Mother who ravaged the Professor sexually!

Robot Devil (indifferent): Was it? I must have forgotten that part. Either way, my point stands. Ignar is rightfully mine. (He grins evilly. Demons flank him to help him look more imposing)

Hermes (upset): Arbitration isn't workin'...an' it's all I'm good at!

Fry: Plan B it is...

Leela: We really hoped it didn't have to come to this.

Zoidberg: (His mouth doesn’t move. A familiar voice is heard) You dirty... spineless... disrespectful... little imp bastard!

(Zoidberg's shirt and glasses fall off, then his shell bursts away in an explosion of rage, revealing Mom)

Demon: What the here?!

Fry (to Leela): Zoidberg's not going to be too happy about that...

(Cut to PE building. Zoidberg is without his shell, in a towel, and pacing)

Zoidberg (muttering): Forcing me to molt... They better not break it... I can't afford-

(He missteps, and falls back into iSpy's entrance hole. A much moister 'thud' is heard this time)

(Cut back to robot hell. Mom is fuming)

Mom: Jesus Z. Christ, it's cramped in there! And P.U! Next time, why don't you just wrap me up in a dead whale's colon! (slaps the Professor)

Robot Devil: Love indeed.

Mom: You shut up! The audacity to suggest I could be fooled by a primitive robot! The nerve to try and take my property away from me! Forcing me to listen to this, this entourage of idiocy and follow them here just to keep him safe. Oh... you will pay. You will pay.

Robot Devil (facetious): Oh, Mother dearest... have I been a bad boy? (to his minions) Kindly remove our guests.

Mom: Not as smart as you were made to make yourself out to be, are you? Those demons are MomCorp™ brand...

(Mom pulls a 5 button remote control from her bra. She hits the "Robot Off" button while aiming at the demons closing in on the crew. Other buttons read "Robot On", "Robot Out", Robot In", and "Shake It All About." After several button clicks, the swarm of minions have powered down and fallen to a metal heap)

Mom: (evil surging): And so are you... (she threateningly brandishes the remote at the Robot Devil)

Robot Devil (angered, yet delighted by the irony): Ooh! So extortion it is then? How fitting. Give up my pursuit of the boy or be powered down? Is that the deal? (sigh)... Fine then. I had no use for him anyway.

Mom: (Gives the remote to Leela) Oh no... you're not getting off that easily.

(Hermes hands Mom a metal gauntlet from his briefcase. She puts it on. Only a muffled whimper escapes the Robot Devil before Mom unleashes a barrage of slaps on him. He provides a helpless little-girl scream upon each impact)

Mom (haughty): And if you ever think of coming after my son again, just remember who holds the power here!

Bender: She means Mom! I love you Mom! Wooh! I love you! Did I mention that? Wooooo

(Leela powers Bender down. There is a moment of dead silence in robot hell)

Fry: Well... uh... I guess that fixes everything!

Mom (turning on them): Fixes everything?! Have you turned on the news recently?! This Ignar scandal will cost millions in time and effort to smooth over, and it's your fault! And, why the hell did I have to come here in that ridiculous disguise?!

Farnsworth: I just thought it would be a clever twist...

(Mom's rage has reached a new level. She contortedly winds up, and backhands the Professor with her un-gauntleted hand. Unfortunately, her wrinkly hand gets a bit tangled in the many wrinkles of Farnsworth's jowls)

Mom: (Struggling to get her hand free of the floppy face) What the? Get it off! It's... it's... it's...

(She slowly begins to chuckle. Everyone nervously joins in on the laughter)

Mom: Oh Hubert, you always had all the right moves... (she kisses him)

Fry/Leela/Hermes: Aww...

(Cut back to the PE building. Amy is wandering around with her bags)

Amy: Hey guys, I’m back! ... hello? Where is every-

(She, predictably, falls into the big hole)

Amy: AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!

(Screen fades to black. Over the credits: )

*SPLORT!!*

Amy: Ohh... thank goodness this pile of jelly broke my fall.

Zoidberg: Hello Amy!

Ignar: Hi Amy!

Amy: AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!

THE END

_________________________

Life's been busy since I became an 'adult' or whatever, but I'll try to have the third one done in a more reasonable time frame.

Comments / suggestions on how to further improve are appreciated.


------------------
Brevity is the soul of

[Reply #21 on:]

Nice, always good to have an excuse to reread through your stuff. Agreed that it's your weakest fic, but that's all relative, and it still had some laugh-out-loud jokes, which is what's important, right? And on rereading this, I realize I did steal a few of them.

Don't hurt me.

[Reply #22 on:]

No, don't hurt him. There's enough of Schroedinger's Cat to go around.     

...Well, this may be your least favorite, but everyone should write fics this "bad". I laughed. Particularly enjoyed Walt's list, "sop-errific", "If you give yourself up, I'll kill you less"... and so on. And the plot involving the Robot Devil - how delightfully ironic!

The script format works so well in your hands. And absolutely everyone is perfectly in character, but I especially like how you deal with Ignar in this one, he can't be too easy to convey. Plus how you conveniently threw in Amy at the end.
Also, I looove your handling of Leela/Fry interaction.

Awaiting the third one. Which, from what I remember, I'm not sure how much can really be 'improved'.

[Reply #23 on:]

Those are simply amazing. You got the characterization down perfectly. I think only Venus and Archonix write on this level. I could actually see those as episodes. Bravo sir!

[Reply #24 on:]

Sine:  No worries, I should get back to reading your fic anyway; been in a Futurama kinda mood as of late.

KM:  Cheers for the feedback, I really tried to work on the Fry/Leela stuff so I appreciate the mention.   Can you really be sure there's enough Schroedinger's Cat to go around?

Frisco: Glad you liked them; hope you stick around for the rest.
___________
OK, this one was a lot faster to fix up.  Actually, I was just afraid to touch acts 2 and 3 for fear of messing up a time loop.  I remember drawing diagrams back in the day to make sure everything lined up right.  Act 1 I'm meh on, but oh well, not gonna rewrite the whole thing.
________________________

The ButterFry Effect

(Scene opens on a shot of Hermes, Zoidberg, Leela, Fry, and Amy around the conference table, Hermes speaking)

Hermes: Now, the Professor is tired of always forgetting things and makin' mistakes while running these meetins, so he's on a new medication. I want ya all to be supportive.

Crew (simultaneous): Fine/OK/Gotcha.

(Farnsworth enters, he pops a pill into his mouth from a bottle that reads "Donald Trump's Head's X-Tra Strength Boss Pills (Warning: Do not take if senile)"

(The following scene takes place at increasingly rapid speed)

Farnsworth: (sitting down) All right, let's get down to business. Hermes, hand me the forms for today's delivery!

Hermes: But there are no deliveries today, remember? That's why we're havin' this meetin!

Farnsworth: Insolence! Impudence! You're fired! Get out!

(Hermes backs away, shocked, and leaves the room)

Farnsworth: Zoidberg! Assume his duties!

Zoidberg: Yes, sir! (He takes Hermes's clipboard)

Farnsworth: Fry! Tell me the condition of the ship's engines!

Fry: Uh... they exist?

Farnsworth: Not good enough! Get out, you're fired!

(Fry resentfully leaves the room)

Farnsworth: Zoidberg! Assume his duties!

Zoidberg: Uh...yes, sir! (Slouches into Fry's chair with Hermes's clipboard)

Amy (leery): Maybe you should let us see those pills...

Leela: Honestly Professor, Amy and I are the ones you should ask about the ship...

Farnsworth: Nonsense! Woman can't be trusted with machinery. My ship's not a blow-dryer!

(Leela and Amy slap Farnsworth at the same time, malforming his face)

Farnsworth (muffled): Fired! Both of you! Zoidberg, assume their duties! And check those engines!

Zoidberg: Oh... (Takes Hermes's clipboard and drags Fry's chair towards the ship. The women leave the room, and Farnsworth is now alone at the table. He blinks sharply.)

Farnsworth: Huh-wha?

(He looks around, confused, then takes another pill)

Farnsworth (abnormally booming voice): Everyone get in here, we're wasting valuable time!

(Hermes, Leela, Amy, Zoidberg, and Fry grudgingly enter, followed by Scruffy)

Farnsworth: (to Scruffy) Who the hell are you?

Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the j-

Farnsworth: You don't work here! Get out! You're fired! ...Zoidberg, assume his duties!

(Scruffy willingly hands Zoidberg his broom, and leaves)

Zoidberg (bleating): Oohhh...

Leela: Professor, this is ridiculous... we're trying to be supportive, but-

Farnsworth: That's it! Everyone's fired! That's right! Get out!

(Everyone starts to exit again)

Farnsworth: Zoidberg, assume their duties!

Zoidberg (baffled): But I... I can't...I was... they...

Farnsworth: I'm so tired of your whining! You're fired! Get out!

(Zoidberg dejectedly starts to leave)

Farnsworth: Zoidberg! Assume his duties!

(Zoidberg shrieks shrilly and falls to ground in the fetal position)

(The rest of the crew stops and looks on as the Professor pops yet another pill)

Fry: The stuff works pretty well...

(Cut to Opening Credits and Music)
Caption:
Brought To You By The Number 6, And Leprosy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene opens on Fry and Leela looking nervously into the door that leads to the Professor's lab. Farnsworth can be heard talking to himself)

Farnsworth (off screen): Now... to be especially careful whilst splitting the chronotrons...

Leela (whispering): I don't like this one bit. Every experiment with chronotrons has ended in horrible disaster.

Fry (whispering): Well... maybe he's due?

(Sound of a jack-hammer is heard, followed by a sudden explosion. Leela and Fry hit the deck as a volley of beakers and syringes whiz overhead. Smoke permeates in from the lab)

Farnsworth (OS, still calm): Almost... got it.

(More pounding is heard)

Leela:  I guess not...

Fry: I wonder what time-space thingy he's gonna break this time.

*Flash*

(Time distorts and Leela and Fry find themselves standing up again. An explosion is heard, and the same barrage of glassware as before flies at them. Leela gets down but Fry is clipped and knocked off camera)

Farnsworth (OS, shouting): Sorry, everyone on Earth!

(Cut to the conference table. Leela is applying a bandage to Fry's forehead.  Amy enters with an envelope)

Amy: Hey guys, look what we're invited to!

(She pulls out an invitation. The cover says "You're Invited" and features a picture of Zapp Brannigan posing with arms akimbo)

Leela (hopeful): An execution?

Amy: No... (She opens the invitation and reads it) Congratulations, you have been invited to Lieutenant Kif Kroker's... blank... birthday party.

Fry: Blank?

Amy: Hmm. Chances are Zapp has no clue how old Kif is. It's the thought that counts though, right? (continues reading) Due to DOOP regulations, the party cannot be held on the Nimbus, a battle cruiser. Instead, it will be held on Zapp Brannigan's new leisure vessel, The Zoftig. Ship leaves Earth port tomorrow at 5:00PM.

Leela: The Zoftig?

Fry: Sounds classy!

Leela: Oh yeah... real classy.  The jerk's probably just throwing this party to steal all the attention for him and his stupid new ship.

(A pause; Amy is staring at them pleadingly)

Leela:I guess you really want me to go, huh.

Amy: Well... it would make Kif very happy. The invitation is for me, you, and a third guest. I guess that's you, Fry.

Leela (defensive): Hey, I may have a date lined up!

(Amy simply stares at Leela)

Leela: Fine. We’ll RSPV after the meeting.

Fry: Hey yeah, where is everyone anyway?

Leela: Well, Zoidberg's right over there. (She points a few feet away. Zoidberg has not moved since the cold opening)

Zoidberg (meekly muttering): he... I... yelling... why...

Amy: Someone should do something about that.

(Scruffy enters, broom in hand)

Scruffy: (doffs his cap) Sorry I'm late, schedule issues. (He starts pushing at Zoidberg with the head of the broom)

Leela: Hermes is out looking for another doctor who will look at Zoidberg... without being nauseated. And Bender? I have no clue. You'd know better than me.

(On cue, Bender enters)

Fry: Bender, where have you been?

Bender: Out having the time of my life, buddy. I just stopped in to steal your wallet and then I have a date with destiny... bot 450TRX.

Fry: Aww... there's nothing like young robot love to... (realization) Hey! My wallet's gone!

Bender: So long, losers! (exits)

Leela: Huh, this coming from a robot stealing from Fry to support himself.

Bender: (reentering) Ooh, what biting wit. And by that, I mean it bites! (exits, then reenters) ...and that you should bite me! (exits, then reenters) On my ass!

(He laughs while exiting for good. Scruffy momentarily looks up, then returns to slowly sweeping Zoidberg across the floor)

Farnsworth (OS, shouting triumphantly): I've done it!

Amy: Flush this time!

Farnsworth: No... My new invention! It works!

Fry: How do you know?

Farnsworth: Because, back in my lab, I just appeared out of nowhere, and told myself that it worked!

Fry/Leela/Amy: Huh?

(He produces a compact device with a button and a small readout, about the size of an electric razor)

Farnsworth: This is the Preventatron. I was tired of always forgetting things, and then making the wrong decisions, then remembering what I was supposed to do when it was too late. With the Preventatron, I won't have the problem anymore...that is, unless I forget to use it.

Leela: How does it work?

Farnsworth: Simple, I just hit this button here, and the Preventatron vaults me back five minutes in time! I appear in the same spot I used the device, only five minutes earlier!

(Background: Scruffy jabs Zoidberg a bit too hard with the broom. Zoidberg perks up, and in a deranged delirium lunges at Scruffy; they fall off camera)

Amy: So then there are two of you at the same time?

Farnsworth: For that five minute overlap, yes there is. However, our friend Mr. Space-time will only be folded for just that long.

(Background: Zoidberg stands up, then elbow drops off camera, trilling loudly)

Farnsworth: (pointing to the display on the device) When this five minute timer here hits zero, one of two things can happen. Assuming the "you" that goes back has no effect on the timeline of the "past you", then at zero your "past self" will use the Preventatron just as you did. They will disappear, and only you will remain.

Leela: Right...

Amy: Gotcha.

Fry: (blink)

Leela: But I thought the purpose was to interact with yourself.

(Background: Scruffy pops up, and opens can of spinach; Zoidberg tackles him and they fall off camera)

Farnsworth: So it is! If you do interact with your past self, or alter their timeline, you therefore thwart them from using the Preventatron just as you did. Thus, it's clearly evident that you did not, in fact, go back in time in the first place!

Leela: O... k?

Amy: You're losing me.

Fry: (blank stare, drool oozes from the corner of his mouth)

Farnsworth: Case in point, if this timer hits zero, and the "past you" does not go back in time, the "later you" disappears, never having been there in the first place! What's interesting, though, is that even though you were never there, you have still affected your surroundings while you were. Quite a paradox, and thus it works perfectly!

Leela: Wait, What?

Fry: Ugh, all this science talk makes my head hurt... (he grabs the back of his head) Or maybe it's this... (he removes a small syringe left over from the blast)

(Background: Scruffy has Zoidberg over his shoulder, comatose. He starts to exit the room)

Scruffy: Scruffy's getting overtime for this. (He leaves)

Farnsworth: That's coming out of your pay, Zoidberg, you shellfish bastard! (Shakes his fist)

Fry: So... uh... can we use it?

Farnsworth: (Still shaking fist) Huhwha? Use what?

(Fry grunts longingly and points to the Preventatron)

Farnsworth: Huh? (He stares blankly at it for a second) Sure, what do I care? I don't need it. (He hands it to Fry) Now, to work on my next great creation, the Preventatron! (He exits, cackling)

Amy: (watching Farnsworth leave) Wow.

Leela (cynical): Amazing. A genius one second, a senile old man shopping for stool softener the next.

Fry: I still don't think that stuff is necessary... (He sits on a nearby stool, which gives way under his weight until he's on the floor) Weeee!  OK I admit it's fun.

Leela: Speaking of which, don't go wreaking havoc with the Preventatron. It frightens me thinking of what's possible with that thing. I don't want you randomly appearing in the locker room shower or something.

(Fry now considers the possibilities)

Leela (regretful): Shouldn't have said that.

(She abruptly lunges for the Preventatron, but Fry dodges)

Fry: (playfully evading) I just wanna try it out, maybe talk to myself for a bit, play some cards... I'm not going to do anything wrong!

Amy : Spluh'mon Leela, Fry's not that immature, is he? (To Fry): He better act mature at Kif's party tomorrow. As far as I can tell, it's going to be very elegant.

(Cut to the next day: Fry, Leela and Amy walking from a tube terminal. They are in formal wear, and Amy is carrying a gift)

Leela: So Fry, did you have fun playing with yourself last night?

(Fry freezes up, shocked)

Fry (realizing): OH! You meant this thing! (Pulls out the Preventatron) I didn't use it.

Amy: Really, why?

Fry: Well, I started thinking about what it would be like to "fade away." Creeped me out.

Leela: Oh, so you did understand what the Professor was talking about?

Fry: Only that part and I don't know why but I just didn't like it...

(The three round a corner, and the Zoftig comes into view. It is indeed an impressive vessel. Zapp and Kif are welcoming guests aboard. Amy runs ahead and kisses Kif.)

Amy: Happy birthday Kiffy!

Kif (blushing): Thank you Amy. I'm glad you all could come...

Leela: Hi Kif. Happy-

Zapp: (stepping between them) Well, well, Leela. This is quite an erotic surprise. Titillating, even. Or maybe an erogenous surprise...

Kif: (sigh) ...he found my thesaurus yesterday.

Leela (quickly angered): Zapp, you invited us.

Zapp (ignoring that): My darling Leela, when will you realize exactly how much love I have for you?

Leela (sardonic): Oh? Exactly how much love is that, Zapp?

Zapp (off guard): Uh... eighteen?

Leela: Eighteen what?

Zapp (improvising): Um... eighteen... love... hertz?

Leela (not amused): Very clever.

Zapp: (Finally noticing Fry) Oh, what's he doing here?

Amy(stanch): The invitation was for three people, Zapp.

Zapp (patronizing): I meant three females.

Leela: (pushing through him) We'll see you inside Kif.

Fry: Happy Birthday, man! (He attempts a high five but Kif is too befuddled by Amy's exit to react in time)

(Cut to: the Zoftig's entranceway. The area is decorated fancily enough, and a hall leads to a dining area already abuzz with an assortment of humans and Amphibions. Someone taps Amy on the shoulder; she turns around, causing Fry and Leela stop as well)

Kif: Amy, I just want to apologize for this party before it starts... you three are the only real friends of mine Zapp invited! The rest seem to be random women, old friends of his, and people I assume he haphazardly selected from my planet! Most don't even know me... and I think some of Zapp's old high-school buddies spiked the punch.

(Cut to a shattered punch bowl on the ground. A caterer attempts to bring out another one)

Man: Look, another!

Man 2: Get it!

(One of them snatches the bowl, and promptly flings it to the ground. They high five)

Amy (aghast): mutters in Cantonese

Leela (reassuring): It's OK Kif. Fry will fit in just fine, and I'll try to make the best of it. I'm sure you and Amy will still have a wonderful dinner together-

(Quick Cut to: Zapp, Kif, Amy, Leela, 2 unknown Amphibions, and an attractive human female around a table)

Zapp: (already laughing) And so I say to the waiter, "Bon appetite? I'd like to bone a petite... woman!" Ahahahaha! (he slaps his thigh)

Kif: (hands over face) Oh...

(Clearly bored, Amy gets up from her seat and whispers coyly into Kif's ear)

Kif: Oh... well I...uh...(sputter)...excuse us...f- for a minute please.

(The two scamper off together. Leela looks on, and then glances to the empty seat next to her. Fry's jacket is draped over the back; she sighs)

Zapp: So Leela... enjoying yourself?

Leela (oozing sarcasm): Ohh... it's all so wonderful! It reeeally Engelberts my Humperdinck. We should do this more often!

Zapp: You'd be having a better time if you'd stop hating everything about me, you know. (he winks)

Leela (breaking point): Listen here you self-centered- (Her eye diverts) ...what the...

(All eyes at the table slowly turn to observe a small ship in view just outside the port window)

Woman: What is that thing?

Leela: It looks almost like a small frigate.

Woman (confused): A frigate?

Amphibion (surprised): A frigate?!

Leela (affirmative): A frigate.

Zapp (clearly worried): Oh, frig it...

*CLUNK*

(The frigate docks with the Zoftig. The dining room falls silent, and after a brief delay, rapid footsteps can be heard approaching. Soon the hall is rushed with aliens; these beings are of average height, blueish, and have scaly skin much like the Omicronians. However, their bodies are about half the width. All are armed heavily.)

Invader 1 (harsh): Party's over!

Man 1 (dejected): Oh... (he takes off his party hat)

(A pompous looking invader strides confidently up to Zapp, who is now standing)

Leader: So, Captain Brannigan, we meet again.

Zapp (snide): Hello... Flarx.

Flarx: It took some effort, but I have finally caught you without your army.  Don't think I've forgotten the mockery DOOP has made of the Grivakk. Your battalion was responsible for our failed invasion. You are to blame for our failure, and you will be punished severely! (to his subordinates) Let the civilians go, he's the only one we want.

(Guns pointed at civilians lower; some guests stay frozen while others dart for the escape pods)

Leela (whispering): Zapp, I recommend doing something for once, or you're dead.

Zapp: Are you kidding? Grivakks are evil! And not just "planet has useful resources" evil, mind you. These are legitimate enemies! Hell, I don't even know how-

Flarx (menacing): Silence! You shall be tortured beyond pain itself, and I will thoroughly enjoy every minute of it. I've even rented one of those little popcorn carts for the event.

Zapp (delighted): Ooh! Can I have some?

Flarx: Your torture shall not include popcorn!

Zapp: Oh. (to himself) Kif, where are you, you little green coward?

(Cut to escape pod number four. As the pod door opens some of the party goers recklessly dive in, landing square on Kif and Amy, who are using the pod as a make-shift make-out chamber. Amy tirades in Cantonese, but the door slams shut, blocking her voice from audibility. The capsule jettisons)

Flarx: So, Captain Brannigan. How is this going down? The easy way (gestures towards the hall that leads to the docking bay), or the hard way… (cocks his pistol, and aims at Zapp's kneecaps)

Zapp (panicky): Uh... define "is."

Flarx: That is irrelevant!

Zapp: Define "irrelevant."

Flarx: You know what irrelevant is!

Zapp: Define "is."

Flarx (vicious): Take him away!

Zapp (Shatner-drama): Do what you must to me! Just don't hurt my chestacular love-dove Leela!

Leela: Zapp, normally you should be in front of me while saying that.

(Camera zooms out to show Zapp is now using Leela as a human shield, cowering away from Flarx's gun)

Leela: (suddenly aware she's been jeopardized) But I should be going now...

Flarx (shrewd): So Captain, you are attached to the one-eyed woman before you? (evil chuckle) Take them both...

Leela: No! (she is seized)

(The Grivakks exit the room; two of the last ones dragging Zapp and Leela out of the dining room and down the hall)

Flarx: You will watch her die first, Captain Brannigan.

Zapp: (sigh) ...Then can I have popcorn?

Flarx: No.

Zapp (Shatner): You... monsters!

(Further down the hall, Fry casually and obliviously exits the men's room just in time to see Leela being dragged off by the Grivakks. She catches sight of him)

Leela (frantic): Fry, do something! They're going to kill us- (she disappears around the corner)

(The last Grivakk stares Fry down with his gun, then exits the hall)

Fry: Oh my God!

(He follows the hallway to where the last Grivakk exited, rounding the corner to find an empty docking bay. The airlock door shuts, and the sound of the frigate disengaging echoes through the chamber. With a jolt, Fry exits the room and doubles back towards the bathroom. Once inside, he pulls out the Preventatron from his pants pocket. He looks at it for a second)

Fry: I really didn't want to have to need to do this...(He closes his eyes, then hits the button)

*Flash*
7:30 ... 7:29 ... 7:28 ... 7:27 ... 7:26 ... 7:25
*Flash*

(Fry #2 materializes in an otherwise empty bathroom. He checks the Preventatron display. It reads 4:56, and is counting down)

Fry #2: Ok, I should be here any second. I just need to tell myself to get Leela away before something bad happens... I guess.

(Cut to: Fry #1 lazily strolling towards the bathroom, he blearily enters, and sees himself across the room)

Fry #1 (startled): Holy snap!

(Camera pans, Fry is looking into the bathroom mirror)

Fry #1: Oh.

(He turns to see Fry #2 standing right next to him)

Fry #1 (startled): Holy snap! (pause) What up?

Fry #2 (serious): You've got to do something, right now! Something very bad is going to happen in four minutes! You need to get Leela away from whoever those blue aliens are that about to get on this ship!

Fry #1: Uh... OK. (realizing) Wait, you used the time-a-doodle?! But... but... that means you-

Fry #2 (resigned): Well, I think Leela would do the same for us. And besides, it’s my problem, not yours, right?

Fry #1 (confused): I'm not following you...

Fry #2: No, I'm not following you.

Fry #1: Huh?

(Fry #2 throws him out of the door)

Fry #2: Hurry up!

Fry #1: (holding the door open) Wait, why aren't you coming with me?

Fry #2 (frustrated): Two of us will need explaining, and that takes time!  Just go! Let me fade away in peace...

Fry #1 (uneasy): OK... (he heads down the hallway)

(Fry #2 calmly sits down against the wall on the tile floor, locking his arms around his knees)

Fry #2 (softly): She'd come back for me...

(Cut to: Fry #1 jogging down the hallway. He enters the dining room just in time to see Kif and Amy scurry off. He pauses briefly, then makes his way to the table)

Zapp: So Leela...

Fry #1 (interjecting): Leela!

Leela: Fry, what's the matter?

Fry #1: Leela, we have to leave, now!

Leela: (staring at him) What are you talking about?

Fry #1: Ok, so I was in the bathroom, and-

Zapp: So, clogging my velour padded toilets then running away like a sissy! How typical of you...

Fry #1: No! Listen! They're going to take you away Leela, you have to believe me!

Leela: Who is?

*CLUNK*

Zapp: What was that? Did we hit another tour bus?

(There is general clamor in the dining hall)

(Fry #1 pulls out the Preventatron, and shows it to Leela as footsteps approach)

Fry #1: This is how I know. I heard it from my own mouth, who I trust even more than a horse! You can't stay here!

Leela: But you-

(The Grivakks enter)

Grivakk: Party's over!

Man 1: Oh...

Flarx: So, Captain Brannigan, we meet again.

Zapp: Hello... Flarx.

Flarx: It took some effort, but I have finally caught you without your army...

Fry #1: (whispering to Leela) These guys are going to take you away. I came back to rescue you.

(Leela looks at Flarx, then looks back to Fry)

Leela (whisper): Ok... But how?

Flarx: ...he's the only one we want.

Fry #1: Works for me!

(Fry #1 grabs Leela's hand and drags her towards the escape pods. However, Zapp grabs her other hand)

Zapp: Leela, don't leave me now! I beg you to kiss me goodbye before I am sent to my doom by these Grivakks!

Leela: Are you just going to accept your fate without a fight?

Zapp: Does that increase or decrease my odds of a kiss?

Fry #1: (Trying to pull Leela away from Zapp in vain) We don't have time for this...

Flarx (amused): So, Captain Brannigan, you wish to win the heart of this reluctant Cyclops?

Zapp: The rest of her was easy; the heart is the hard part.

(Leela breaks free of Zapp's grip, and slaps him while Fry drags her in the other direction)

Flarx: Hold it! (gun drawn, Fry and Leela freeze) You are quite a special case, my dear. With you I could raze Brannigan's spirit before I mutilate his carcass!

Fry #1: Why would you want to raise his spirit?

Flarx: (distracted) No no, I meant-

Leela: (kicking) Hee-ya!

(The gun flies from Flarx's hand while Leela and Fry make a break for it. They get about 10 feet before they are surrounded)

Flarx: Take Brannigan and the Cyclops, leave the other. Zapp seems to know him, but I only have two torture tables on board anyway.

Grivakk: We could have brought three if you didn't insist on that popcorn cart!

Zapp (thrilled): Popcorn?

Flarx: Silence! Let's go.

(Leela and Zapp are dragged out of the room, Fry #1 watching helplessly)

Leela (upset): Fry, I'm sorry. I should have listened sooner! (She is carried out)

(Fry #1 stares on, motionless with the remaining guests, sheer horror on his face)

(Cut to: The docking bay: Most Grivakks have passed through the airlock, and only Flarx, the two dragging Zapp and Leela, and a fourth remain)

Grivakk: Hey, can we shoot the ship to pieces after we leave for fun?

(Flarx pauses to contemplate)

Flarx: Well... there are many innocents on board... (he laughs)... Ok.

Leela: What?

Zapp: No fair!

Fry #1 (OS) Leela!

(Fry #1 hurriedly rounds the corner while simultaneously flinging the Preventatron towards Leela and her captors. The Grivakks, startled, turn to point their weapons at Fry, giving Leela the leeway she needs to squirm away. She catches the device as the laser beams fly)

*Flash*
7:30 ... 7:29 ... 7:28 ... 7:27 ... 7:26 ... 7:25
*Flash*

Leela #2: (as she appears) Fry, no!

(She pauses briefly, gaining her bearing, then looks at her hand, which is still gripping the Preventatron tightly, her finger is on the button)

Leela #2 (to herself): I... went back! I can stop that from happening! (thinking) Ok, the bathroom... he was in the bathroom.

(She exits the docking bay and heads down the hall)

(Cut to: Leela arriving at the bathroom, just as Fry #1 is heaved out of the door)

Fry #2: Hurry up!

Fry #1: (he notices her) Leela! What are you doing here? Well, it doesn't matter, now we can get you away from whoever's trying to get you, and things will be OK!

Leela #2: It's much worse than just that Fry; they're going to destroy the whole ship after they take Zapp and me away. (She pushes Fry #1 back into the bathroom and enters herself)

Fry #1: What? How could you know- unless...

(Fry #2 perks up)

Fry #2: You came back for us!

Leela #2: Everyone on this ship is in danger! We don't have time to evacuate them. Fry- er, Fries, it looks like we need to stop that ship entirely, not just keep me off of it.

Fry #1: How are we gonna do that?

Leela #2: I don't know... (thinking it through) Well, there's a chance... if we could find some sort of explosive onboard... then we could ambush them at the airlock; sever the tie with the ships connected! Their ship is so small it wouldn't survive... but luxury cruisers like this one have safety locks which will seal off the docking bay in the case of a breach.

Fry #2: Do you think Zapp has anything that explodes on board?

Leela #2: (dry) Zapp cuts ribbons with death lasers. I'd guess he has a bomb in place of mop in his supply closet.

Fry #1: OK, I'll try to get the other you away from whoever's about to capture you, and you two try to find and exploding thing.

Leela #2: But you didn't keep me away from them. You were too confusing. ...and I was too stubborn.

Fry #2 (hyper): OK then, we'll switch places! I'll go after the early Leela, and you two find the explosives!

Leela #2: Well, it couldn't hurt.

Fry #1: This isn't fair, both of you have gone back and know stuff about things! I'm confused!

*CLUNK*

Leela #2: That's them...

(The three exit the bathroom)

Fry #2: (backing away) Just stop thinking about it. Remember what I tell me about thinking? Good luck!

(He turns and sprints down the hallway, checking the counter on his Preventatron)

Leela #2 (shouting) Don't let Zapp grab my arm!

(Fry #1 and Leela #2 turn and sprint the other way)

Fry #1: This is all really weird. Do you think this will work?

Leela #2: I don't even know, it's all happening so fast and we don't have enough time. I'm beside myself.

Fry #1 (panting): You think... you're... beside yourself...

Leela #2 (exasperated yet amused): Fry...

(Fry #1 and Leela #2 have reached a supply closet. Leela pushes a button on an electronic entry pad as Fry catches his breath.  The door springs open and the two dart inside, the door closing behind them)

Fry #1: Well, it was unlocked, so what are the odds that-

Leela #2: Jackpot! ...finally some luck.

(She points over Fry's shoulder to an artillery box on a shelf. Fry turns to face it and reads an attached note)

Fry #1 (reading): "Timed mines, fifteen second delay. To be deployed on Sloth people of the Saunter System... or clogged toilet."

Leela #2: That irresponsible idiot.(she glances at her Preventatron) Wait, assuming the other Fry alters my timeline, I'm going to disappear in one minute!

Fry #1: And they might be taking us away by now anyway…

Leela #2: You're right, they're probably ... (thinking) But, if we were to get there before they do...

Fry #1: You mean-

Leela #2: We'll just go back again! We can ambush them as they get there!

Fry #1 (whining): But I don't wanna go back...

Leela #2: C'mon, now you know you did it already!

Fry #1 (begrudging): You first.

(Leela hits the button on her Preventatron, but nothing happens)

Leela #2 (frantic): It doesn't work! This thing won't activate for me twice within the same five minutes!

Fry #1: Oh, well just take mine then. (He casually tosses her his version of the Preventatron)

Leela #2 (agitated): Fry, that's- (she reconsiders) ...weird enough to work.

(She hands him her Preventatron)

Leela #2: Ok, together... one, two, three!

*Flash*
7:30 ... 7:29 ... 7:28 ... 7:27 ... 7:26 ... 7:25
*Flash*

(Fry #3 and Leela #3 appear in the supply closet. They check their Preventatron displays. Both read 4:57)

Leela #3: Did we just... cheat space-time?

Fry #3: Yeah! Take that pseudo-science!

Leela #3: OK, let's move.  We won't get another chance now.

(The two exit the closet, and cautiously head down the hallway)

(Cut to: The men's room door)

Leela #2: It's much worse than just that Fry; they're going to destroy the whole ship after they take Zapp and me away. (Leela #2, Fry #2, and Fry #1 enter the bathroom)

(Fry #3 and Leela #3 scamper down the hallway past the same door, Fry with box in hand. They arrive at the docking bay undetected)

(Cut to: Leela #3 mounting a mine on the airlock. Fry #3 is pacing nervously, looking at his Preventatron)

Fry #3: Leela, we're running out of time... they're going to be here any second.

Leela #3 (worried): This is taking longer than I thought; this mine isn't battle-ready.

Fry #3: Meaning?

Leela #3: All assembly required.

Fry #3: Well, you'd better be ready soon, because it looks like they're ready. (He points out the porthole; the Grivakk frigate can be seen approaching)

Leela #3: (snapping a face plate onto the front of the mine she has placed) Fry, you hold the wheel on that hatch as long as you can. Try to keep it locked.

Fry #3: Aye-aye, captain! (he looks out the window) Here they come...

(Fry braces himself and grasps the metal wheel with both hands)

*CLUNK*

Leela #3: (pushing some buttons) I just need a minute to set it...

Fry #3: We don't have that!

(Grivakks grab the door on the other side. Fry holds tight)

Leela #3: (nearly stabbing at the buttons with her fingers):C'mon, c'mon!

(Banging can be heard on the door. Fry is sweating. He loses his grip and the wheel starts to spin, he manages to snags a hold after half a turn)

Fry #3: Ow! My fingers!

(This shout echoes through the docking bay, and happens to catch the ear of Fry #2, en route to Leela #1 and Zapp)

Fry #2: (rushing to the airlock)  How did you get here?!  What's going-

Fry #3: Help me hold this door shut while Leela sets the bomb!

(Fry #2 grabs a hold of the wheel and the tug of war evens out a little)

Leela #3: Almost... there...

(Blaster shots are heard bouncing off of the door)

Fry #3: Hurry!

Leela #3: (hitting a button) Got it! (she waves the Frys on) Go! Go!

(Brief cut to the timer)

15...

(Leela scoops up her Preventatron and turns to run, as do the two Frys, but with no one holding the door, the wheel twirls and the door flings open.  Several Grivakks rush the floor, the first two lunging to grab Leela and Fry #3)

Grivakk 1: (Holding Leela, oblivious to the nearby explosive) How dare you try to thwart our abduction! You'll be punished along with- oof!

(He is blindsided by Fry #2 who wrestles him to the ground. Leela #3 ducks free and turns to find both Frys incapacitated by the onrushing Grivakks)

8...

Fry #3: (struggling) GO! Get out! You can go back! You can change this!

5...

(Leela #3 turns, glances back for a second, then makes her decision to sprint towards the door. Finally, a Grivakk notices what's going on)

Grivakk 2: (pointing hysterically) Someone set us up the bomb!

2...

(The two Frys catch each other's eye)

Fry #2 (reflective): Beats fading away.

0.

(A few desperate laser blasts fly past Leela as a small explosion rips the airlock apart. She dives gracelessly through the docking bay door, sliding to a stop on the hardwood floor. Before she can recover, the pressure change starts to drag her back towards the remnants of the airlock. Leela loses her grip on her Preventatron as they both recoil towards the void. Suddenly, alarms blare and an emergency barricade deploys, plugging up the bay portal. Leela's momentum carries her careening into this barricade, followed by the Preventatron, which breaks into several pieces upon impact. They land in a slightly neater heap than Leela does)

(Leela struggles awkwardly to her feet, a bit woozy. She reels to face the barricade)

Leela #3 (to herself): Fry...

Barricade Computer: Attention. Emergency barricade deployed. Breach in docking bay airlock. Hall pressure stabilized. Attention.

(Leela franticly searches the ground, discovering a ruined device and nothing more. She picks it up and stares at it)

Leela #3 (weakly): I can't go back...

(Tears begin to well in her eye. She spikes the Preventatron to the ground)

Leela #3 (lashing out): Damnit Fry! Why did you have to-

(She freezes up. A glimmer of realization shines through her wet eye)

Leela #3 (hopeful): But, there still should be- (her face changes back to horror) ...unless... oh God.

(Leela #3 breaks into a full sprint down the hallway, determination overshadowing her disheveled appearance. She races just out of sight of the party goers, who are beginning to gather around the source of the commotion)

(Cut to: the supply room, where Leela #2 and Fry #1 stand poised)

Leela #2: Ok, together... one, two-

(The door shoots open)

Leela #3: Stop!

(Fry #1 turns just in time to be tackled to the ground)

Leela #3: Don't hit that button!

(She knocks the Preventatron out of Fry's hand)

Leela #3 (crying): Why do I have to keep watching you die?!

Fry #1: What?

Leela #3: (sobbing into his shoulder; now transparent): I almost lost you... you didn't have to Fry... you didn't...

(Leela #3 fades away, clinging to Fry. As Leela #2 stares on, speechless, her Preventatron, now on the floor, hits zero. She and the device turn transparent)

Leela #2: (baffled) What-

(She fades away. Fry's version of the Preventatron, once in her hand, falls to the ground)

(A very confused Fry #1 gets up and dusts himself off, trying to figure it all out. He glances at the dropped device, and picks it up before leaving the supply closet)

Fry #1 (shouting):  Leela?  Leela?!  Are there any of you left?!

(He quickens his pace down the hall, eventually arriving at a mob of perplexed dinner guests by what used to be the docking bay. He spots Leela #1, mistily gazing at the emergency barricade)

Fry #1 (relieved): Leela!

Leela #1 (distraught): Fry! There you are! We heard the barricade but didn't know what had happened... and then you weren't in the bathroom, so I thought... I thought-

Fry (calming): It's OK Leela, I was down the hall by the- (realizing) You... you were really that worried about me?

Leela (still shaken): Well yeah, it's not like I don't care about you.

(Fry's gaze meets hers, and he quickly turns to the emergency barricade; a slight comprehension shows in his eyes)

Fry: We did it.

Leela: Did what?

(Fry pauses, realizing he can't even answer this question, and opts to simply put his arm on Leela's shoulder.  He leads her away from the commotion surrounding the area)

THE END

___________

Still my favorite plot, I think.  Despite the act one wonkiness, I'm surprised I pulled a decent and somewhat original time travel story out of somewhere.  I changed the end slightly because it occurred to me that it’s pretty neat that the 'original' Fry and Leela never end up doing anything once the loops close off.  They have no clue what happened and what they did.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you did so; lemme know what you think.

[Reply #25 on:]

 

Originally posted by JBERGES:
I changed the end slightly because it occurred to me that it’s pretty neat that the 'original' Fry and Leela never end up doing anything once the loops close off.  They have no clue what happened and what they did.

Very clever, very clever indeed.   

Excellent work as always JBERGES. I love Zoidberg and Scruffy fighting in the background and "Zoidberg, assume his duties!" Once again you got the characterizations perfectly.

[Reply #26 on:]

Oh, I love this one. The whole thing is practically a cheat for the laws of physics. And it makes sense, too.

[Reply #27 on:]

Hi JBerges,

Yeah, this is easily my favorite story of yours, once I re-read it about three times.  You hit Zapp dead on, the F/L interaction is sweet without being saccharine, and the time travel here even has fewer holes than BBS.  I was curious how you could improve it further, and I like the subtly revised ending. 

If anyone new here hasn't read this one, do yourself a favor and do it.  This could have easily been an episode.

[Reply #28 on:]

 

Originally posted by JustNibblin':
If anyone new here hasn't read this one, do yourself a favor and do it.  This could have easily been an episode.

I was thinking that earlier. Really any of JBERGES' work could be an episode. From this I've deduced that he's either a writer in disguise or he isn't human. Congratulations JBERGES, you've just made the list.

[Reply #29 on:]

JN:  I was wondering what your response to the changes would be, I recall you saying ButterFry was your favorite. Thanks for popping in to put me at ease. 

Xanfor:  Ill formed time travel loops are a pet peeve of mine, glad this gets your seal of approval.

Frisco:  Eep, thanks for the ego boost.  Perhaps I'm actually *picks random writer*... Kristen Gore?!  awww. 

Two more scripts to chop up and edit... don't think I'll be as fast on the next one as I was with this one.

[Reply #30 on:]

Take your time. Awesomeness must not be rushed. Just look at Parallel Lives.

[Reply #31 on:]

   

Originally posted by JBERGES:
Perhaps I'm actually *picks random writer*... Kristen Gore?!  awww. 

Having met Kristin Gore (at a bookstore here last summer on some book-promotion tour she was on), I know you're definitely not her. 
Possibly one of the others though.

Oh, I feel bad that I haven't commented on this yet. Just now was able to read it with the attention it deserves. I now sit here in awe. The time-fluctuating did actually seem to make sense.

Due to the ambitious nature of the plot of this one, it seems like
maybe you opted for a more straightforward style?--that is, a little less wordplay, to accommodate the action. Not sure, but that's kind of how it struck me.
I like the subtle emotion Leela displays when learning of Fry's demise; very nice.

You know something I've noticed in rereading your stuff so far? Your fics tend to make me start laughing right away - like, before I even really start reading them.

So are you only revising your script works, or are you going to be doing the prose one too?

[Reply #32 on:]

KM:  Yeah, I'd agree with you, the second two thirds are very straight forward.  Complex wordplay and amusing descriptions are awesome, but less so when you're trying to follow 3 copies of 2 people around, so I played is safe and tried to go on strength of story (Usually I can't, all my other scripts were written with no planning or ending in mind)

As for the prose, I'll probably take a look a that big ol' story and post it up here with some small changes, just to get my whole set in this thread. 

You're laughing before you read? Are you sure you're laughing with me?

[Reply #33 on:]

Maybe it's the giddy laughter of anticipation.

[Reply #34 on:]

Exactly; I would say that's pretty much what it is. It's that feeling, you know, when you already know something's going to be funny, and you kind of start cracking up as you contemplate rereading it.
Or something.
Anyway, your stuff, along with Tongue Luck's spot-on satirical sapfest, slew me when I stumbled across them last summer.

And a quick side note: I also just recently noticed this line from the previous one, when Mom says to the Robot Devil, "Not as smart as you were made to make yourself out to be..." Hadn't picked up on that bit of irony before. It's attention to detail like that which makes your fics stand out.

[Reply #35 on:]

 

Originally posted by JBERGES:


Xanfor:  Ill formed time travel loops are a pet peeve of mine, glad this gets your seal of approval.

I co-wrote a fic that was very similar to this one along with Spacedal11 about two years ago. Similar as in it contained obfuscating temporal ballet. I then read yours, scrapped the whole thing and started over. 

Then I had to rewrite it yet again because I realised that my new time paradox I came up with was almost exactly the same as the one from the Futurama video game. (Which I had never seen or cared about before then, I swear.)

I plan to have it fixed up and reposted soon, though. In the meantime... Refinish your Anthology of Interest!     

[Reply #36 on:]

Xanfor:  I'll get to refinishing it as soon as my stupid fourth one is done, which it is.

OK, as with Bearer, I just couldn't get this to a level where I really liked it, but at least I trimmed and improved it a bit, especially the overlong talky/arguey parts. .  Way too many dry spells with exposition, not enough humor.  Ah... isn't that always the case...

_____________________

Of Mice and Mensans

(Scene opens on Fry rummaging through a box of gadgets in the Professor's lab. He tosses a few bladed apparatuses aside)

Fry: Aha!

(He triumphantly holds up the target of his quest, an ordinary turkey baster)

Fry: I hope this is what Bender wanted. Maybe it will make... whatever this is taste good.

(He picks up a pan of hirsute, unidentifiable meat from a table and continues through the lab. Along the way, he passes a heretofore unseen metallic booth, and pauses to look at it.  A sign on the booth reads: Lambaster 6000)

(Fry looks at the meat in the pan, then his baster, then the sign, then the booth... then the meat, then the booth again, then the sign, then the sign-)

(Cut to: The bathroom. Amy is reapplying some makeup)

Fry (OS): YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Amy jolts at the noise and makeup smears across her face as a torrent of crashes is heard in the distance)

(Cut to Opening Credits and Music)
Caption:
THIS IS NOT JUST A SHOW. DON'T RELAX

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Scene opens on Fry, Leela, and Bender sitting on the couch. Amy is standing, adjusting her make-up with a handheld mirror. Hermes bursts into the room)

Hermes (panicked): Everyone! The Professor's had a stroke!

Fry/Leela/Amy: (gasp!)

Hermes (normal): ...of genius!

Fry/Leela/Amy: Oh.

(Farnsworth enters, smiling)

Farnsworth: It's true! The idea came to me while I was having a stroke...

(A remote control in his left hand drops to the ground as his arm goes limp. He nonchalantly picks it up with his other hand)

Farnsworth: I call it... the flux capacitor!

Fry (alarmed): No! No! Not with the time travel again!

Farnsworth (confused): What? They're just ordinary capacitors with special flux built into the leads for efficient soldering. Whatever would give you the idea I was up to something nefarious?

Fry (befuddled): I don't know. For some reason I remembered... hmm... (He drifts off into thought. Bender snaps him out of it)

Bender: (rapping on Fry's head) Hello?! McFry! Pay attention!

Farnsworth: Anyhow, you'll be delivering quite a few of them...

(He hits a button, and a ceiling tile slides open. Hundreds of capacitors fall to the ground next to the crew)

Leela: Since when did the ceiling do that?

(Bender grabs the control from the Professor and presses arbitrary buttons, causing random ceiling tiles to slide open, each dropping its contents. A coffin, the obelisk from "2001: A Space Odyssey", and then Zoidberg fall to the ground)

Zoidberg: (hitting the ground) Oof! Oh no! My loft! My beautiful loft... ohh... I'll never find another apartment in my price-range.

Fry: What's your price-range?

Zoidberg: Zero to this.(he produces a claw-full of rotting cheese, possibly Gouda, from his pocket)

Farnsworth: Moving on. (he leaves the room,  motioning for everyone to follow)

(Cut to: The conference table as everyone enters the room)

Farnsworth: You'll be making the delivery to a friend of mine at Mensa. (He hits a button on his remote, activating the holographic projector)

(A star map appears, highlighting the constellation)

Computer: This is Mensa.

Farnsworth: No, stupid! (He kicks the machine)

(The hologram distorts, then fades to a picture of a small terra-formed planet)

Computer: This is also Mensa.

Farnsworth: The planet Mensa, founded in-

Computer (less monotone): It was an understandable mistake.

Farnsworth (agitated): Founded in 2916 by the most-

Computer (full personality): I mean, I have like three files labeled Mensa, and-

Farnsworth: Shut up!

(He hits a button on the remote, and the ceiling tile above the computer mainframe slides open. An identical mainframe falls out, crashing into the original. Electronics spark, and the room goes pitch black)

Leela (suspicious): Fry, that had better be Bender checking if I have a wallet to steal...

Bender (nonchalant): It is.

Amy: A wallet? Do you need me to loan you one or my purses?

(A dull thwack is heard and a body hits the ground)

*Clap-Clap*

(The room is illuminated. Leela is glaring in Amy's direction; Zoidberg is on the ground again and Hermes is nowhere to be seen)

Zoidberg (sad): I landed on my bartering cheese...

Farnsworth: Continuing on,, the planet was founded in 2916 by some of the most intelligent people and heads on Earth. They live a life of enrichment there, away from the feeblemindedness and banality of this planet.

Amy: Bleesh... how arrogant can you get?

Farnsworth: Very. So whoever it is that usually goes on these deliveries, try to stay on you smartest behavior.

Fry (impetuous): Check!

(Leela gives Fry a look; he takes a second to notice)

Fry: What?

Leela: Fry, you  managed to swallow your own pants button yesterday.

Fry (dejected): I thought it was candy...

Leela: And then you ate the safety pin I gave you to hold the pants together!

Fry (dejected): I thought it was a paper clip...

(Cut to: The PE ship; Fry, Leela, and Bender are aboard)

Leela: Alright, we'll make this quick. Fry, you're capable of at least feigning competence for a little while, and Bender, your arrogance may actually fit in well there...

Fry: Aye, aye captain! Do my glasses make me look more (pause) ear-oo-dite?

(Camera pans to Fry, wearing oversized glasses and mulling over a dictionary)

Leela: No, they make it look like you can't see with them on, and will probably trip over the console while I'm trying to steer.

Fry: Way ahead of you Leela, there's no lenses!

(Fry tries to indicate this by poking through where the lenses should be, and successfully jabs his eyes in the process)

Fry: Ow! My vision!

(He stumbles around, and promptly trips over the console while Leela is trying to steer)

Leela: (regaining control) This is going to be a long day.

Fry: (getting up) I'm... (flips though his dictionary, and stops to read a page)... 'fine.'

Bender: When are you going to learn that the harder you try, the worse you fail?

Leela: He's right; your best bet is to not try. Just do your job, you'll be OK.

Fry (saddened) Well, alright. I guess I'll try...

Leela / Bender: No!

(Cut to: The PE ship arriving at Mensa. A sign reads "Welcome to Mensa, Founded: 54^2 ". The ship lands through the open roof of a science lab, which closes after the ship passes through)

(Leela exits the ship, clipboard in hand, followed by Fry and Bender maneuvering the hover-dolly. She is met by an elderly man, about Wernstrum's age, who has been making his way towards the ship)

Man: Greetings! You must be Leela. I'm Professor Paladine, but you can just call me Dennis.

Leela: OK... Dennis. This is the rest of the crew, Fry and Bender. (She indicates each of them. They wave, then go back to the dolly)

Dennis: Nice to meet you. Hey, don't worry about that dolly guys, my staff will take it from here.

Fry (relieved): I like you already.

Leela: Thanks Dennis, just sign here and we'll let you get back to work.

Dennis: What? You're just going to leave? Don't you want to look around? We have quite an impressive planet here... marvels beyond your most intellectual dreams.

Fry: Eh...

Dennis: I'll buy you lunch.

Fry: I'm in.

Bender: Me too.

Leela: Well...

(Cut to: the group walking through the lab)

Leela: This is very kind of you Dennis. What we've been told about Mensans doesn't seem to be true at all.

Dennis: (chuckles) Heh, they're probably talking about Einstein's head. He hasn't been happy since they raised the speed of light in 2208.

(He points to a nearby blackboard, Einstein's head is staring at it angrily. It reads E =M (C-X)^2 He uses a robotic arm to knock it over)

Dennis: Don't worry Al, the original is still 'relatively' close!

Bender (laughs): It's funny because he's miserable!

Dennis: Oh, and we also reproduced Hitler's brain in a computer... we may have gotten some bad press for that.

(Cut to an ordinary looking computer; it's unplugged. A label on it reads "Mein Comp")

Dennis: In all fairness, we generally just use it for FreeCell.

(Cut to: A cafeteria. Fry, Leela, Bender and Dennis are seated, a tray of refreshments is nearby)

Dennis: ...and that's how the artificial ecosystem makes food for everyone on the planet.

Leela: Amazing how life stays in balance, especially since I didn't see any oceans while we approached the planet.

Dennis: Ah, good eye. (He flinches at this faux pas, no one notices) Uh... so yes. Water supply on this planet is low, but not critical. Our technology allows for quick and efficient salvage and redistribution of all of our waste water.

(Fry, taking a big swig of water, catches the meaning of the last exchange. He chokes and pushes his glass away)

Fry: That's disgusting! I can't even think about drinking water anymore...  I'll just have a lemonade. (He grabs a nearby glass of lemonade and chugs it)

(A cell phone rings. Dennis answers)

Dennis: Hello? ...yeah. ....already? I didn't expect that. Alright, alright, I will. Yeah, don't worry about it. See you soon. Bye. (to the crew) I'm sorry guys, I'll have to cancel on the rest of tour, I need to get back to the lab.

Bender: (Pulling empty bag out of chest cavity) But, but... the looting! I mean, the learning!

Dennis: You can filch some other time, you're always welcome back. But we really must get going...

(Cut to: The lab. Prof. Paladine is leading the crew back to the ship)

Dennis: Well, sorry about this, but when duty calls...

Leela: The important thing is that for once we completed a delivery without a hitch.

Fry: What are you talking about? We hardly ever use the hitch!

Bender (apathetic): Yes, we can safely say that this delivery was a boring waste of time, and absolutely nothing interesting- (double take) Oh some god the ship is gone!

(Camera zooms out. Indeed, the space where the ship was parked is now vacant. Fry runs to where the ship used to be. He picks up a piece of paper on the ground)

Fry: It's not gone; it just turned into a note somehow!

Leela (exasperated): Give me that... (She takes the note and reads it) "Dear Planet Express. Intrigued by your ship's unusual engines. Have never seen anything like them, so we have borrowed the ship for research. Terribly sorry for any inconvenience, will return undamaged by tomorrow. Thanks, the research department"?!  Dennis, can they do this?!

Dennis: We Mensans are some mighty curious people; by our laws we can do just about anything in the name of science. (He stops a nearby researcher) What are your plans for these people while you look at their ship?

Researcher: We have suitable accommodation; they'll be taken care of. (He continues on his way)

Dennis: (to the crew) Hmph, don't listen to him. I have a better idea.

(Establishing shot of a hotel: Sign reads "Hotel Californium")

(Cut to: Fry, Leela, and Bender in a hallway. Leela puts an electronic key into a slot, and the door unlocks)

Fry (whispering): Please, oh please, oh please please please...

(Leela opens the door, revealing a quaint little room with two beds)

Fry: Damn.

Leela: Well, it looks like we're here for at least the day, so we should try to make the best of it.

Fry: Hey, a mini-bar! (He points to a minibar across the room)

Bender: And a maxi-bar! (Bender hits a button on the wall, and a full bar spins around from the other side of the wall)

Leela (unenthusiastic): Great, drinking. That'll pass the time... I'll go get some ice. (she grabs an ice bucket, and pauses) ...remember where we are, guys. Try not to do anything too stupid.

Fry: No problem.

(Leela exits the room; Fry and Bender look at each other and grin)

Bender/Fry: LAMP FIGHT!

(Each grabs a lamp from a night table and gleefully rears back to throw)

(Cut to: Leela, in the hall)

*SMASH*

Bender/ Fry (OS): Ow! (They laugh)

(Leela's eye narrows. She continues on her way)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Cut to: Leela returning with aforementioned ice. She braces herself before gathering the courage to open the door. She does so, and to her dismay, discovers the remnants of the boys' horseplay.  Fry is on the bed watching TV, and Bender is clearing out the bar)

Fry: Intelligent TV sucks.

Leela: What are you watching?

Fry: I'm not sure. It's kind of like Baywatch, only with more protractors. What took you so long?

Leela: The ice machine wouldn't work until someone else flushed a toilet.

(There is an abrupt knock on the door. Leela opens it, and Dennis is there, a bit out of breath)

Dennis (ill at ease): Oh. Hi guys. I was, just, just checking to see if everything was OK with your room. (pause) And, I see that it is. I'll leave you be... (He starts to leave)

Leela: Is, uh, everything alright Dennis?

Dennis: Yeah!  Yeah... (he regains some poise) I'm sorry. It's, it's been a hectic day for all of us, and I feel bad about what... what problems we've caused you. Listen friends, I really need to get back; I just wanted to check in on you; make sure you're settled in. The lab will call in due time.

Fry: What are you working on, anyway?

Dennis: Me, personally? Top secret. OK, seriously, we're trying to genetically modify an oak tree to grow oranges... but our attempts so far are fruitless!

(Fry, Leela, and Bender stare at him)

Dennis: Tough crowd. (he chuckles) See you later. (He exits)

Leela: That was odd- (she turns to Bender) Bender, easy on the booze, we're going to have to pay for that!

Bender: (finishing a bottle) What? They owe us after screwing up our day like this. (He starts drinking from a second bottle)

Leela (deadpan): Well, I can't argue with that... wait, yes I can. We're in no position to make a claim to anything. Under their law, this is normal, and we at least owe it to Dennis to be good guests.

Fry: Damn straight! (He needlessly opens another bottle and drinks from it while knocking another bottle to the floor)

Leela: This isn't really what I had in mind.

Bender (caustic): What did you expect? A fine evening of friendly repartees while sipping cocktails with the Duke of Old York? Good luck, sister. (He and Fry clink bottles)

(Leela glares at both of them)

Fry: What's the problem? Are you still upset about the lamp incident?

Leela (fuming): You guys are hopeless! All I want is for this to be as uneventful as possible! Can you even act like an adult for a couple hours?

Fry:  We have adult beverages!

Leela:  I knew you wouldn't be able to fit in here.

Fry (defensive): Ohhh, I see what this is about! You care more about looking smart than you do about your friends!

Leela: What?  It's more than that Fry, I just thought you were-

Fry (angry): Smarter?!

Leela:  Yes!

(A pause, Leela slightly diverts her gaze)

Fry: Well don't let me get in your way! (he starts to leave) You can invite over some Mensans that are more up to your standards. I'll be out... uh...

Bender: Stepping on rakes?

Fry: Yeah! That. (He storms out)

Leela: (exasperated moan) Bender, can you at least see my point? It's the principle of the thing!

Bender: All I know is I just lost my drinking buddy, and someone's gonna have to get him.

Leela: (realization)Yeah... we can't go losing Fry in case the lab calls. I'd better stop him.

(She exits, Bender looks on as the door shuts)

Bender: So... were you going to finish this? (He points to the bar)

(a beat)

Bender: Good. (He advances on it)

(Cut to: Leela jogging outside the hotel, she pauses in front of a "Barnes and Noble Gases" to scan the road)

Leela: Fry?!  Fry!!

(Suddenly, there is a roaring thud and rumble. Leela wheels around to see where it came from, then dashes towards the Hotel Californium)

(Cut to: The hotel hallway. Leela arrives to see the room's door is no longer there. In fact, the room, and only that room has been exploded to pieces. Bender is calmly lying on the rubble with the last surviving drink)

Leela: What happened?!

Bender: I don't know! I hadn't even gotten to stealing yet, and out of nowhere some sort of missile blows the whole place up!

Leela: Are you OK?

Bender: (pointing to himself) Nothing breaches this sexy metal shell! (pause) It was hilarious! Everything collapsed! (he laughs)

Leela: How is that funny?!

Bender: Huh?

Leela (sarcastic): I guess I had to be there, right? (her eye widens) If I was here, I would have died! And I was supposed to be here!

Bender: You're right, that is funnier! (more laughter)

Leela (fearful): We've been set up, Bender. I don't think Dennis is the man we thought he was.

Bender: (gasp) You mean... he's a woman? Just when I think I've-

Leela (interjecting): No! Think about it. Dennis took us on the tour to get us away from the ship. Then he moves us to this hotel, checks we're all here, andthe place explodes. He tried to kill us!

Bender: Hey now, don't be so hasty. I'm not one for jumping to conclusions...

Leela: Bender, you-

Bender (cross): How dare you even suggest that! Anyway, I think you might need to go talk to this gal before you get all freaked out.

Leela: I guess you're right. We need to get to the bottom of this, and Fry's still out there somewhere... C'mon, we'd better move.

Bender: Y'know, I'd really want to if I didn't so much. You're forgetting something. If what you said is true, they think we're dead! I'm stayin' right here.

Leela (impatient): Fine. You stay here and don't help me. I'll pick you up later assuming I don't die. (she leaves)

Bender (preoccupied): Yeah see you then.

(Bender stretches out on the pile of rubble and takes a sip from his drink)

Bender: Heh-heh. Ahhhh...this is the good life.

(Cut to: Fry being kicked off of a bus. He lands in a heap on the sidewalk)

Driver: And don't try to steal a ride again, you vagrant!

Fry: I keep telling you, I don't even know what a metric dollar is!

(The bus drives away)

Fry (dismayed): I can't get anything right today. Maybe Lila was right...

(Fry sighs and dusts himself off. He walks down the road a step or two, then notices something nearby)

Fry: Hey, that's the lab we landed in! I wonder what Dennis is up to...

(Fry walks past Gauss's Pizza, ("$√2 per slice! Our prices are irrational!") and towards the lab)

(Cut to: Leela walking down the street)

Leela: OK, I just need to get back to the lab. The ship should still be there; maybe I can get a lock on it.

(Leela punches some buttons on her wrist computer)

Wrist Computer: Planet Express ship, 21,202 miles due west.

(Leela stares blankly at her wrist, then turns around and hits a button again)

Wrist Computer: Planet Express ship, 1.3 miles due east.

Leela (dry): Oh, nice one. Everyone's just been so useful today.

Wrist Computer: Turanga Leela's Tetris high scores... deleted.

Leela (legitimately saddened): Ohh... (she starts walking)

(Cut to: Bender, relaxing on the pile of rubble)

Bender (singing): They all love Beeender! B-E-N-der! Ben-D-E-R!  Now Spanish! (pause)  B-E-N-D-E-R!

(Cut to: Fry, arriving at the lab's side entrance. He tries the door, but finds it locked)

Fry: Damn.  Unless...

(He climbs up a flight of metal stairs to what appears to be a fire escape on the second floor. He tries this door, and it is also locked)

Fry: Damn! Unless...

(He runs back down the stairs to the door that he started at, and tries to open it again)

Fry: Damn! (He thinks) Unless...

(He climbs the flight of stairs to the fire escape door. He tries the door, which opens easily, and casually enters)

(Cut to: Fry walking down a hallway. He nonchalantly grabs a lab coat and a clipboard from a stack that reads, "All scientists must wear lab coat and fervidly carry clipboard")

Fry: (looking at the unfamiliar surroundings) Ugh... I'm never gonna find Dennis...

Scientist 1 (OS; shouting): Hey! Wait!

Fry: Uh-oh. (He dives into the nearby cartful of lab coats) Heh-heh. He'll never find me in this hiding spot right next to where he just saw me.

(Camera zooms out; the scientist, staring fervidly at his clipboard, walks right past the cart to talk to another scientist slightly further down the hall)

Scientist 1: Sorry to bother you, but, uh, (he looks around) has everything been taken care of?

Scientist 2: Boss says we're all ready, Norman. The ship's been modified, and the interlopers have been neutralized.

Norman: Excellent, then all that is left is to announce the plans to the rest of the lab.

Scientist 2: How do you think they will react to the news?

Norman: Earth is but a typo in the thesis of this universe, Gene. We are simply the spellchecker.

Gene: What?

(Norman points to a nearby sign that reads, "Please only use metaphors while discussing any evil plans.  Similes accepted as well.")

Gene: Oh, right.  Just imagine, a mobile device that can completely eradicate a planet with no trace of it at all. There's a large market for something that convenient!

Norman: Indeed. It's our largest marketable undertaking since the development of the off-topical cream. We'll make billions, and carry out our plans for the ignorant people of Earth in the process! (He starts laughing, and begins to leave) See you at the unveiling!

(Norman heads back past Fry's cart, as Gene exits through a door. A beat. Fry pops his head out of the cart)

Fry: Oh no! Some secret evil science club is going to fix Earth's spelling! ...or something. Now I really need to find Dennis...

(Fry leaps left out of the cart, forcing the wheeled container to roll to the right. The camera follows it until it catches up with a still chuckling Norman, and bumps him down a flight of stairs. He falls off camera)

*smack* tumble-tumble *THUD*

Norman (OS): Oh great. Now I'm unconscious.

(Cut to: Bender, on the pile of rubble. His glass is now empty)

Bender (singing): ...1100100 bottles of beer on the wall, 1100100 bottles of beer! If Bender were to drink just one and not all, 1100011 bottles of beer on the wall! (he stops) ...OK this bites. (he gets up)

(Cut to Fry: He is further along, slinking through the hallways. He happens upon a closed door with the name plate: "Prof. Dennis Paladine")

Fry: Yes! I made it! And no one's the wiser! Well, I guess they're all wiser, but the point is that I haven't yet made them... more... wiser (He blinks sharply at his own confusion) Anyway, no one knows I'm here.  (he grasps the doorknob)

(Cut to: A stairwell. Scientists are collecting around a dazed man lying at the bottom of the stairs)

Gene: What happened here?

Scientist: Something's amiss. Norm was just knocked down the stairs!

Gene: That is odd. A norm should never fall along the gradient! (He chortles)

Scientist: Shut up, Eugene.

(Cut back to Fry: He swings the door open, and spies Dennis facing away from him mixing chemicals at a counter)

Fry: Dennis! Thank God I found-

(Dennis wheels around, and nearly pales at the sight of Fry)

Dennis (shocked): Fry?! But I thought... I thought you...

Fry: You have to help me! Some bad scientists are planning something evil with Earth!

Dennis (austere): (pause) I know.

Fry: Oh, good! Then by now- wait, what?!

(Cut to: The pile of hotel rubble, and only the hotel rubble. Bender has apparently abandoned it)

(Cut to Leela: she has arrived at the lab, but has opted for the front entrance)

Leela: (Now at the front door, prepping herself) OK, you don't have to brawl your way through. Stay cool, brains over brawn, use that science you learned in school...

(Leela opens the door to discover one lone sentinel, and an otherwise empty lobby. Leela strides assertively towards the entrance. The guard steps in front of her)

Guard: Excuse me ma'am, but-

(Of course, by now, Leela is already in midair)

Leela: (in kicking motion) Hee-

(Time Freeze. White text appears over the scene with a friendly Ding sound)

Newton's First

Leela: (as her foot hits his face) -ya!

(Time Freeze. DING!)
Newton's Second

(The guard flies back into the wall)

Guard: Oof!

(Time Freeze. DING!)
Newton's Third

(He slides down the wall, a trickle of drool escaping his mouth)

(Time Freeze. DING!)
Newton's Fourth

(Leela enters the lab area and hurriedly scans the deserted hallways)

Leela: Where is everybody? (She rushes on)

(Cut to: The pile of hotel rubble. An ornate card table rests precariously on the debris, along with four folding chairs. Bender is seated, bedecked with an X-ray monocle, surrounded by 3 other robots reminiscent of C3P0's design)

Bender (faux-British king accent): I thank you gentlemen for joining me, a distinguished ambassador to Mensa, for a friendly diversion before my many meetings. Spontaneous accommodation failure be darned, when life gives you Linux, make Linux-ade, I always say!

Robots 1, 2 and 3 (simultaneous): Too true! Here, here! Agreed!

Robot 2: Pardon me, good Sir; what planet did you say you were ambassador from again?

Bender (off guard): Uh, that planet of extremely intelligent robots of course... Deep Blue... Something. Place your bets!

(Cut to: Dennis. He is at his lab, facing away from the door again, mixing two colored liquids. He puts them down, and picks up a cookie)

(Time Freeze. DING!)
Fig Newton

(He eats it, and then gets back to work. Immediately, a rather angry Leela bursts into the room)

Leela: (charging at Dennis) Alright, Dennis! Start talking! What's the plan?! Homicide? Genocide? Barbicide? Tell me! (She now has him by the collar)

Dennis: Leela, you have it all wrong! Just-

Leela: We'll see about that. Now tell me, tell me now!

Dennis: What do you want?

Leela: I want the truth!

Dennis (menacing): The truth?! You can handle the truth!

Leela (delighted): Oh, good. (she puts him down)

Dennis:  A small faction of scientists composed mainly of my superiors is putting its plan into motion today. They're preparing to destroy Earth using a new "scientific breakthrough" weapon, because they've deemed Earth deplorable. Today is the day they reveal themselves and their scheme to the rest of the lab, and unfortunately, I predict little resistance, as most Mensans will be eager to see the new technology tested. Also, most are natives and have only seen Earth's culture via reality TV and infomercials.

Leela (grave): We're doomed!

Dennis: Exactly. (sigh) Oh Mensa... it started as a proposal to get away from the politics that held back our research on Earth, and has turned into a dark grudge... bigotry even. It sickens me. They can't go out and declare war, but if it's in the name of science-

Leela: (remembering her intentions) Hold it! Don't try to fool me! You're behind this too! You're the one who ordered the parts from us, let them steal our ship, and then tried to kill us!

Dennis: (trying to be calm) No... now wait. You have to hear me out. Yes, I brought you here. But I had no choice, I was threatened.; forced to. Trust me; I'd rather see them all dead than put Earth in jeopardy. Unlike these kids, I was born on Earth; it's my home!

Leela: Then why did you set us up at the hotel?! You've been leading us towards death all day.

Dennis: (no longer calm) Listen! I've been the only thing keeping you from death all day. They would have killed you at the ship if I hadn't escorted you away, they would have killed tonight at the lab if I hadn't dragged you to a hotel, and the reason I ran my old wrinkled behind to the hotel to check on you was because I was actually concerned.  I didn't know if the faction had found out where you were, if I should try to move you somewhere else, if I should tell you about what I had learned and put my own life in danger...

(He takes a deep breath, pausing to look Leela straight in the eye)

Dennis (anguished): When I saw you three status quo at the hotel, I suddenly felt that all my anxiety had been unnecessary. I felt... dumb. Perhaps...perhaps I had done a good job of covering your tracks. I could keep you safe and make it look like I was still doing my job until I sabotaged them. But I was wrong... they found you.

Leela: Dennis-

Dennis (candid): Look, I'm sorry I've put you through this, and maybe I would have had the guts to defy my superiors sooner if I had known things would turn out this way. But right now, as long as you're here, you've got to put your suspicions behind you and either help me or stay out of my way. They've been busy preparing their presentation, and now everyone but a few guards and I are in the main lecture hall.  I've finally got some time alone in my lab, and I think I've found the solution...

Leela: You already have a way out of this?

Dennis (sarcastic): No, I discovered a beaker of salt water.

Leela: (leery)  This is all so... confusing... and I still don't know where Fry is...

Dennis: Fry? He stopped by a little while ago; our exchange was somewhat more tranquil than this one. I've already put him to use; he's going to try to buy me some time...

(Cut to Fry: He is sitting in the front row of the large presentation hall, still with lab coat and clipboard. One lone scientist is speaking from the stage, a large sheet covering something in the shape of the PE ship behind him)

Speaker: And so, to conveniently recapitulate the specifics for anyone not paying attention before, by rerouting some of the power from the universe distortion drive in each engine while inverting the polarity of the left engine, we are able to create two antithesis-continuum beams. When these beams are fired from the weapon, the point where they cross will cause a small patch of space-time to move in an opposite direction than itself, thus creating a hole of 5th dimensional proportions, causing whatever lies within the Schwarzenegger radius to fall "through" the gap, eliminating it forever!

(The audience bursts into applause, as does Fry, though apprehensively)

(Cut back to Leela and Dennis; Dennis has connected a valve to a large canister and is siphoning the contents of his beaker into it)

Leela: OK, so that canister is some sort of super-laughing-gas, but I still don't get why you're adding that stuff to it.

Dennis: It's a catalyst I just developed that will bind the gas to this fine powder I smuggled out from another lab. (He points to a large drum on a dolly covered in a sheet. A pipe protrudes from the folds) I feared the gas would disperse too much in the auditorium, but now it will fall straight onto the crowd, where its effect will be greater.  That's when you and Fry steal the ship back; keys should be in the ignition.

Leela: And you really think this will work?

Dennis: Well, I haven't worked out all the possible outcomes... But I figure there's just as good of a chance of us failing as there is of them failing. You know what they say, even the best laid plans of mice and Mensans gang aft agley... (He connects the canister to the drum of powder and begins wheeling the ensemble away)

(Cut back to the auditorium: The speaker grips the sheet covering the PE Ship)

Speaker: And now, our completed brainchild, the antithesis-continuum gun!

(He yanks the sheet off of the form, exposing the PE ship, pipes running from each engine to a mounted apparatus on the top of the vessel. This unit is connected to a cannon on either side, both of which face forward)

Fry (without an iota of sarcasm): (gasp) It's our ship!

(Applause yet again fills the room, and the speaker quiets them)

Speaker: Now, if the short, informative video we showed earlier has taught you all anything, I think you know what the first test target will be!

Scientist 1: He means Earth!

Scientist 2: Earth must be destroyed in the name of science!

Scientist 3: Little Billy deserves to die!

Speaker: Correct! And it shall be done. Now, unless anyone has any comments or objections, we can all get back to work...

(A brief pause; no one stirs. Fry timidly rises)

Fry (nervous): Uh... I demand the floor! I mean... the stage.

(He fumbles his way onto stage)

Speaker: Yes?

Fry (faux polite/intelligent): Oh, thank you. (He grabs the microphone, and proceeds to read from his hand) Would you kindly take a seat? There are a few potential scientific inconsistencies I'd like to point out; I believe you'll be very interested in them.

Speaker (arrogantly skeptical): Heh, go for it. (he climbs off the stage and takes Fry's seat)

Fry: (realizing he has no speech planned) Uh... many scientists of Mensa...

Scientist (cutting in): Hey, just who are you, anyway?

Fry: Me? I'm... I'm... profess- ...no... doctor! Dr. Philip-

Scientist (puzzled): You're Dr. Phil?!

Fry: Huh? Doctor who?

Scientist 2: You're Dr. Who?!

Fry: Dr. Who? No!

Scientist 3: You're Dr. No?!

Fry:Who?

Scientist 3: Not Who, No!

Fry: Know who?

Scientists: What?

Fry: Oh, forget it! It's not important. I'm here because I think this entire plan is a great mistake. Now, correct me if I'm right, but are not all living things precious in their own precious way? Now, I'm not one to criticize those smarter than me... but killing someone or some planet just because he, she, or it isn't as smart as you or your smart planet isn't the smartest thing to do...

(Cut to: Dennis and Leela. Their makeshift device is hooked to the ventilation system; Leela is hooking the gadget to a main vent, while Dennis works a control panel near the central unit, next to a couple of comatose guards)

Leela: All set!

Dennis: Diversion away! (He hits a button)

(Cut back to the auditorium: A light powder falls like a trace snow onto the engrossed audience of scientists; a few chuckle as Fry continues rambling)

Fry: But Earth isn't just about people, it has its own echo-system. With birds, and roaches, and maggots, and fishes, and octopuses- ...uh... octopi... and birds...  (Several scientists are now laughing) So even if Earthicans are stupid, you can't just destroy it because you think we're all doofuses- uh... doofi. (The giggles have spread throughout the hall, becoming louder) And we're not all like me, there are plenty of smart people... inventors, teachers, mastermind criminals... we have them all. Is this getting through to you people?

(Fry looks at the crowd, now in hysterics, and stops. Leela, futuristic gas mask employed, surges through the auditorium door and into the winterish chemical flurry. She signals for Fry to head for the ship, while proceeding in that direction herself, stepping over the scientists rolling in the aisles. The two board the ship which, after a brief pause, takes off straight through the roof, the new weapon acting as a convenient battering ram)

(Cut to: The infamous pile of hotel rubble. Bender has clearly had another streak of phenomenal luck, as he has amassed all of the robots' money, and then some. In the background, the PE ship lands next to what used to be a wall; Leela bolts out and runs to the heap of debris)

Leela: Bender- (she notices the gathering) How the hell... forget it. C'mon! We have to get back to Earth!

Robot 1: Earth?

Robot 2: How dreadful!

Robot 3: You mean you're not the intelli-bot you said you were?

Bender: Oh, of course I am, I just work there. However, I really must be off, but before I leave I do suggest that you masticate upon my reflective metal posterior! (He grabs his spoils and takes off, leaving only his accent behind) So long, suckers!

(Leela and Bender board the vessel, which promptly takes flight, leaving the three robots penniless on the amassment of scrap)

(a pause)

Robot 1: What a charming young gentleman!

Robots 2 and 3 (simultaneous): Indeed! Quite!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Cut to:  The PE ship is landing at the PE Building. Fry, Leela, and Bender exit the ship as the Professor enters the hangar)

Professor (angry): There you are! I've been waiting forever for you deadbeats to get back! Don't think you're getting any overtime for your lollygagging around-

(He notices the ship's new modification)

Professor (giddy): Ooh-hoo-hoo! You brought me a souvenir! It's beautiful! Thank you! (He hugs Bender, then prances around the ship like a schoolgirl)

(Fry, Leela, and Bender slowly back away, and exit the hangar)

Fry: Ugh, what a day...

Bender: (chest compartment open, counting his winnings) I had fun, how about you guys?

Leela (serious): Not really. Listen, Fry, about what happened earlier-

(Just then, Amy and Zoidberg boisterously enter the room)

Amy (excited): I can't believe we got out of that one, John!

Zoidberg: Well, I owe it all to you; you are always with the quick thinking you are!

Amy (laughing): Aw, you... (she lightheartedly punches his shoulder)

Professor (entering): Oh, you're back? Did you bring back the supplies for the new Lambaster?

Zoidberg: We did!

Hermes: And what's with this new found happiness? Earlier today you two were nearly ostracizin' each other!

Amy: Well, it started off as a normal trip to the store, but then all this crazy stuff happened!

Zoidberg: We had to work as a team to get out of the mess, and once we did, how could I stay mad?

Fry (wisely): Looks like Amy and Zoidberg learned an important lesson about the meaning of friendship and teamwork today.

(Everyone exchanges knowing glances and affirmative grunts)

Amy: (checks her watch) Hey! "All My Circuits" in on in 7 minutes. Let's all meet at the couch then!

Everyone: Great! Marvelous! I'll be there.

(The Professor exits with Zoidberg and Amy, followed by Hermes. Fry and Bender head towards the TV while Leela decides to follow the others. As Leela reaches the doorway, the phone rings. She turns back to answer it, and finds it has caught Bender and Fry's attention as well. She answers the call)

Leela: Hello?

Dennis: Oh good, you're back! Made good time I see. I was just making sure you three got in OK.

Leela: Yup. No problems. Uh... Dennis, are you still at your lab?

Dennis: Yeah, it's a bit risky, but I think I've got it figured out. I locked the unconscious guards in a closet, and you're the only one they saw. The rest didn't know I was involved, so I can claim I was in the auditorium during all the commotion. No one will be able to prove if I was there or not, and they'll assume you had no inside help!

Leela: That does sound pretty risky.

Dennis: I know. Well, I've been holed up in my lab for the last several hours, and no one's come by yet. I think I may be in the clear.

Leela: That's good, but what about all that stuff we used? They can trace it back to you.

Dennis: This stuff? (He signals the dolly, drum, and canister by him) Nah... it's all pretty standard lab paraphernalia... though I should detach them now that you mention it.

(Dennis removes the gas canister from the dolly, and goes to put it down. He double takes)

Leela: What is it?

Dennis(flummoxed): This isn't laughing gas at all... this is just... oxygen!

Fry: Is that bad?

Dennis: Don't you see what this means?

Fry: No.

Dennis: My coworkers couldn't have been laughing because of my chemical... they had to be laughing on their own accord... at the sheer erroneousness of your speech!

(Fry gasps, while Bender bursts into laughter)

Fry: What?!

Bender: Way to go buddy, you finally found a way to save the day!

(Leela makes an attempt to hold back laughter through a clenched jaw)

Fry (despondent): But... but...

(Dennis watches on soberly, then a smirks a bit)

Dennis (guffawing): Nah, I'm just kidding!

(The crew stares at the screen)

Dennis: Ha-ha! I had you all going for a minute there!

Fry (confused): You mean... they weren't laughing at me?

Dennis: Nope, it was all mine and Leela's doing. I wouldn't be so absent-minded as to not double-check that I had the right gas to mix with this powder.

(He lightly kicks the drum of powder, dislodging the sheet from atop it. While Dennis resumes chuckling, the sheet slides to the ground, displaying, in small letters, the words "Kill Powder")

Dennis: (Still giddy before noticing) Heh-heh ... heh... heh... ohhhh...

Leela: Does that say what I think-

Dennis (solemn): Mmm-hmm

Leela: And so then...

Dennis (solemn): Mmm-hmm

Leela:  You're not tricking us again, are you?

Dennis (in shock): No. No... we just kill-dusted my entire company...

(The crew and Dennis gape at each other, at a loss for words. Fry finally breaks the silence)

Fry: Oh... well uh... do you think they're OK?

Dennis: No.

Bender (stoic): Well, thems the breaks, eh? (lights cigar)

Leela: Bender!

Dennis: (suddenly aware of his predicament) I ...um... I need to get out of here. Uh... hey... if I were to order a space taxi now... you wouldn't mind putting me up for a while would you?

Leela: Well-

Bender (to Leela): Hon, this place has been puttin' up criminals since about 4 years ago, (to Dennis) don't worry about it, Dennis... your kind is always welcome here. (He goes back to smoking and counting money)

Dennis (uneasy): Um... thanks.

Leela: We really owe you one Dennis. You saved us; try not to be so hard on yourself. We'd be happy to have you here.

Fry: And you can hang out with the Professor and do old guy things!

Dennis: Well... thanks ...see you later. (He hastily hangs up)

Leela: Wow, poor guy... I hope he makes it here OK.

Fry: Yeah. (stretching his arms serenely) Well... I guess eeeeeverything turned out-

Leela: (clamping Fry's mouth shut) Don't even say it! (She walks away, vexed)

Fry (agitated): What? (Bender tosses him a beer. He rubs his jaw and heads for the TV)

THE END

________________

[Reply #37 on:]

Great job JBERGES. I love the opening caption which is ironic because the story is about scientists who are hatching an evil scheme.

[Reply #38 on:]

If this were a futurama episode, I think it would probably be one of my favorites. 

Gene: That is odd. A norm should never fall along the gradient!

That cracks me up ever time. 

[Reply #39 on:]

I admire your self-discipline, polishing every story to perfection...

I've always liked the geek version of "Who's on first?" you put in this one...