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Author Topic: The Murder Investigation  (Read 873 times)
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Starship Captain
« on: 11-01-2007 21:24 »
« Last Edit on: 11-08-2007 23:00 »

Ok this is the first time I tried to write anything so I hope you enjoy, I plan to write more. Ok so A murder occured and throughout the story the case will be viewed until we figure out the murderer

Date- June,18th,3006, The Court House

Zapp questioned Hermes about the day of the murder, about where he was at the time, what he was doing at the time, and why he was doing it.

"What do you know about the murder of Phillip J. Fry" questioned Zapp.
"For the hundreth time,I know nothing" Hermes angilly said.
"Well what were you doing at the time of the murder" asked Zapp.
"I dont know" "GUILTY" Zapp interuptly yelled.
"What, NO, I dont know because nobody knows when he DIED" yelled Hermes.
"Why does Zapp keep asking Hermes the same questions over and over agian" whispered Leela to Bender.
"leave me alone, can't you see i'm trying to score here"Bender said annoyed. "So, you want to go back to my place for some... manual upgrades" Bender asked subductively.
"Keep dreaming, i'm a rich, powerful, respected robot senator" the fembot said.
"Not even for five dollars" asked Bender? (Smack)(Bender falls from his chair to the ground) "PIG" yelled the fembot "I hope you learned your lesson" said fembot, (then she got up and started to walk away).
(Bender sat up) and yelled to her " I can assure you I have not and I never will".
"Bender" yelled Leela
"Dont you even care that your best friend was killed last week" asked Leela
"Of course I do, if someone was to kill him, I would of wanted it to have been me". said Bender.
(Back to Zapp) "We are obviously getting nowhere, so i'm postponding today's trial to whenever I want to; meeting ajourned, Kiff, bring me my lotion, I have some business to attend to." barked Zapp
"Ohh" sighed Kiff.

Thats all for now, There wasn't much about the murder but it's just the introduction, so do you like it, should I write another chapter.   :)

DOOP Secretary
« Reply #1 on: 11-01-2007 22:03 »

Good start.
As a basic established principle of prose, you should begin a new line every time someone different starts speaking - it's very confusing otherwise.
Looking forward to seeing more.

« Reply #2 on: 11-07-2007 16:02 »

it's funny
I liked
write more!

Space Pope
« Reply #3 on: 11-07-2007 16:58 »

I agree with coldy. It's a good star but it does need some better construction. Paragraphs, new lines each time someone start to talk, description. But good start looking forward to reading more.

Starship Captain
« Reply #4 on: 11-07-2007 17:34 »

Thanks Coldy, Rosa, Bendersfan

as you can see i'm not to knowledgeable on story telling but thanks for the advice, the next one i'll try to make it a little less confusing  ;)

Starship Captain
« Reply #5 on: 11-07-2007 18:36 »
« Last Edit on: 11-07-2007 18:36 »

Date- June,19th,3006 Place- P.E. Building, The conference table.

(Proffesor walks in)
"Bad news everyone" sighed Proffesor Farnsworth.
"What is it" asked Leela?
"With Scruffy on his jugs,jugs,jugs cruise, we don't have the keys to the survallince cabinents, so we can't view the tapes of the night Fry was murdered" emphasized Farnsworth.
"Who's Scruffy" asked Hermes?
"The cook or something, but thats not important, whats important is that we need thoses tapes" said the proffesor.

    "Bender, can't you hack into the main computer and unlock the cabinent" asked Leela?
"Nope, restraining order, apparently she doesn't like people who try to sell her illegal software" stated Bender.

Sorry this part's not finished yet, but I have to go so i'll finish the rest tomorrow

Space Pope
« Reply #6 on: 11-07-2007 20:16 »

Hehe, nice. Much betterly set up. Can't wait for the next part.

« Reply #7 on: 11-09-2007 13:36 »

the second part is nice

Starship Captain
« Reply #8 on: 11-09-2007 14:39 »

I couldn't write the next part cause i've been really but I corrected the first part so it's less confusion
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