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JBERGES
Urban Legend
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« Reply #121 on: 06-04-2007 17:51 »
« Last Edit on: 06-04-2007 17:51 »
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Well, I’ve caught up, and I’ve finished. Seems like forever ago that you made that introductory post after we had begged you into sharing your story. Now here you are, years later, droves of fans, going out when you’re at the peak of your popularity... (wish I could’ve done that ) Congrats. A few closing comments: Just then Morris walked back into the living room. He tossed something into Fry’s lap. It was his pants. “When you’re in my house with my daughter, you wear those.” This struck me as extremely funny and I don’t know why. “Pfft. Everyone knows puns are the lowest form of wit. I can do better than that.” Came a faint voice off screen. Off... where? Anyway, thanks for sticking with this story all the way through; you’ve never swayed from your original goal, and the quality hasn’t dipped either. Cheers.
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SpaceCase
Liquid Emperor
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Originally posted by Venus: Does anyone have any suggestions for the final edit? Anything need to be cut? Anything stick out that could be refined? Nothing springs to mind, although your story is a hundred and some pages long, and it has been a while since I read through the whole thing. But then, you already have my humble comments…
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Unregistered
Bending Unit
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I'm no writer, but here's one thing: References to contemporary popular culture are acceptable (in a fan fiction), but I have trouble believing "Candy Shop" would be popular in the future. There are probably other 20th/21st century references that would be considered old to the 30th century. I know that even the show's writers can't pull this one off all the time, so it's understandable here. There's not much in here that really sets the time in the third millennium. The medical technology used is our modern day technology. Defibrillators, for example. However there are aliens everywhere, which will help set the time. It's probably not correctable, and it probably doesn't even matter. The Futurama writers put some low tech stuff in their show as well. I remember in a DVD commentary they were laughing at the projector in Fry's Mars U class. But your story is good.
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Ralph Snart
Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
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Okay folks, it's disappointing to see Venus retire from Futurama stories, but she has some pretty kick-ass stuff on fanfiction.net.
It's said that it's better to leave with people wanting more than to overstay your welcome. Venus is retiring from Futurama fics while she's on the top.
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JustNibblin
Bending Unit
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« Reply #133 on: 06-16-2007 11:30 »
« Last Edit on: 06-16-2007 11:30 by JustNibblin´ »
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Originally posted by Venus: Does anyone have any suggestions for the final edit? Anything need to be cut? Anything stick out that could be refined? I don't know if you are still open to suggestions, but having had time to think over your story I had a few comments. (1) At times in your fic Morris struck me as OOC in a distracting way. The first time was when Morris told Fry "I know where you live" as a none-too subtle threat to Fry. I know you were trying to convey how deeply Morris cared for his daughter, but it seemed a little too strong a threat for his character. Might I suggest that as he says that he either winks at Fry (if a one-eyed man can wink), or pats him on the shoulder in a friendly way, so Fry is left more confused than intimidated. A confused Fry is always a funny Fry so that would be a bonus as well. (2) The scene where Morris throws Fry's pants to him is funny, and I can tell lots of people liked it. May I suggest that it would be even funnier if Morris doesn't say a word as he does it. That is I don't think you need "If you are in my house you wear pants". I think the act of throwing the pants to Fry alone, with a significant glance, would be slightly funnier. (3) Now for a real subjective opinion. I think your final kissing scene, although great, was a little rushed, esp. when compared with the two well-done aborted kissing attempts you had written previously. I mean, you know what kind of people are reading your fic, and you know what they have been waiting for . Perhaps you were trying to convey the suddenness of Leela's impulsive decision, but even so after taking such a long journey together I thought it would be nice to linger a little. Reading a good kissing scene should be like landing an airplane. The approach is just as important as the actual touchdown. So maybe an extra sentence or two describing the two approaching each other, leaning toward each other, etc. would be nice, and would be in keeping with the parallel descriptions of the "near-misses" earlier. Also, during the kiss, touching on Leela's thoughts and feelings as well as Fry's thereof would help the closure. I also think a writer of your skills could come up with a better phrase than "happy dance". Finally,your ending, while great, was a little off-canon. It would be hard to see Leela's behavior in "Farnsworth Parabox" taking place after this scene, for example. There may be a simple solution. After Leela runs into her appartment and before the "smile across her face" statement maybe one line conveying the effect that "things may be back to normal tomorrow, but for now"... Then again, one could just say to hell with canon... Please take all this in the spirit of someone who thinks your fic is fantastic and just had a couple of minor suggestions, and of course feel free to ignore these comments. ("If you ask me, you shouldn't care what other people think." "You're right! I'll start by not caring what you think!" )
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Venus
Urban Legend
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ff.net doesn't allow song lyrics for copyright reasons so i had to retool the scene with Fry playing music for Leela while she was in her coma. I also futurized the music technology.
What do you think? passable? Needs more work?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Bender waved his hand dismissively. “Yeah, whatever. Where d’ya want this stuff?” He held up a small gray stereo and a case of tiny half inch memory sticks.
Still feeling bitter Fry pointed wordlessly at the bedside table. Completely ignoring Fry’s mood Bender dropped his load on the table and then held out his hand.
“I’m not paying you anything until you give that stuff back.” Fry stated flatly.
“What stuff?”
“The stuff I know you took from Leela’s apartment this morning when you were picking up these things for me.”
Bender feigned a look of hurt indignance. “Me? Steal from a injured woman? As if I were capable of such a misdeed! You sir, have crossed a line!”
Fry scowled and crossed his arms.
Muttering irritably Bender opened his chest cavity and sure enough a small cascade of stolen goods fell at Fry’s feet.
Fry knelt down and picked up a small box, examined it briefly then gave Bender an odd look. “You stole a box of tampons?”
“She had them hidden away I thought they might be valuable.”
Fry had no response for this so he set the box down and rifled though the rest of the pile. “I can’t believe you’d steal from her while she’s hurt. That’s just mean.”
“That’s not all I did.” Bender gloated proudly. Fry stared up at him. “I also moved every single appliance and piece of furniture in her whole apartment exactly one inch to the left. She’ll never know what hit her!”
“That’s just double mean. I’m not gonna pay you anything until you take all this stuff back and put it right back where you stole it. And put all her furniture and stuff back too! She’s got enough to deal with without you making things harder.”
Mocking Fry under his breath Bender shoved all the items roughly back into his chest before heading out the door. Fry glared at him until he was gone. Then he turned his attention back to Leela.
“I’m real sorry about that Leela. I’ll make sure he doesn’t take all your stuff while you’re here. Anyway, I had him bring some things over. Your doctor said it might be a good idea to play some music for you, and since I have absolutely nothing else to talk about we might as well start that now. I had him grab your music sticks so it’ll be stuff that you like.”
Fry took her music case off of the table and flipped through it. He wasn’t surprised to find each stick meticulously labeled and arranged just so. The pages were even color-coded. Most of the names he didn’t recognize so he chose one at random and placed it in the player.
The music that began to play was unlike anything he would have expected from Leela. What he was expecting he didn’t know, but the music that was playing was down-right morose.
“Oh wow, not exactly the mood I was hoping to set.” Fry skipped hurriedly to the next song.
…Which was even worse.
“Nope.” Fry jabbed the ‘next’ button.
The next song started pleasantly enough. Until the intro was over and a screeching female singer began singing of her desire to drink bleach.
“I’m beginning to think we should try a different stick.” Fry stated uncomfortably as he hit the ‘next’ button one last time.
What followed could only be described as a funeral dirge being played by a dueling guitar and violin.
“Aaack!” Fry flung himself on the player and jabbed the ‘off’ button in panic. “What the hell do you listen to?? Okay,…okay...that was a fluke. We’ll just try something else. Something happy and life-affirming and everything will be cool.” He flipped another couple pages in the case and randomly chose a new stick.
On the upside, the screeching class-three-suicide-risk lead singer was gone. On the downside she was replaced by a moaning disconsolate man singing of his never ending loneliness. Fry stared scathingly at the player as if it were being negative on purpose just to spite him. “You have got to be kidding me.” He picked out a new stick, determined to give it one more try.
Now the man was bemoaning the loss of his entire family… who he himself killed in a botched murder-suicide.
“I give up!” Fry angrily powered down the player then rounded on Leela, pointing his finger at her accusingly. “When you wake up we are having a serious discussion about your musical tastes missy!”
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kaotik4266
Delivery Boy
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« Reply #150 on: 08-10-2007 08:56 »
« Last Edit on: 08-10-2007 08:56 »
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How come I only discover the best 'fics when their authors retire! (still, I didn't have to wait 4 years to read it all, so it's not all bad ;-) ) BTW: It's taken me longer than usual to read this coz I'm on exchange in Germany (WHOOOOO!) and I think it's impolite to hog my host's computer like I am now (yeah it's OT. So sue me. Or don't) Easily one of the best fan fics I've ever read (and I really do mean that. Definitely top three. Possibly top two). I didn't notice anything hugely OOC or against cannon aside from a few lines I thought the characters might have said a little differently. I particularly liked your development of the characters of Morris and Munda and mutant society in general. It wasn't really something I had thought about before this, but I'm glad you wrote what you did. A couple of little things didn't sit as being quite right with me, but nothing serious. Everything else I would has already been said, so I won't bother repeating it other than to say: Although I hate preassuring people into things, PPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEE don't retire! Breaks (even long ones) are more than fine (you deserve it after 4 years!), but more ideas will come (I hope) and when they do I hope you will write them down for us! If you retire I might... Sorry, I've got something in my eye *runs bawling from the room. Sobs can be heard for some time.* *Walks back in with red eyes and a dripping tissue, looking a bit embarrased* Ahem. Got it. Please could someone link to the complete document at wherever you post it (one or all of the places). Thanks.
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coldangel
DOOP Secretary
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FF.net doesn't allow song lyrics, eh? Well we'll just see about that...
I was going to have Hendrix's 'All Along the Watchtower' play on the tape deck of a Mustang as Fry drives it in a chase scene in my upcoming fanfic...
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Ralph Snart
Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #156 on: 02-20-2009 07:40 »
« Last Edit on: 02-23-2009 03:02 »
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Venus uses the nick "DancesWithCorpses" there. http://www.fanfiction.net/u/260028/DancesWithCorpsesShe has a few stories there, most of them rather angsty. If you like them, send her an e-mail and let her know. She appreciates feedback, she appreciates positive feedback even more. She's pretty well gone into lurk mode here and I don't think she checks on PEEL much these days.
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Ralph Snart
Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
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Ooh, animaniacs fan? Straight on the favourites list she goes!
E-mail her and ask for the poem she wrote about Dot's death. I threatened to send Slappy Squirrel over with a whelbarrow full of explosives.
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