Yeah! Capybara's amazing story!

[on:]

Right, so I ripped this idea off Professor Zoidy, but Prof. Zoidy "was inspired by" Soylent Orange, so I guess it's all right.

Part 1
 Capybara sat there staring out of the window of the Planet Express Ship. He was sketching the world around him.......the big empty world. Capybara was an orphan, and had no nose. His parents were mutants, but where killed by a tape-worm. He had red hair and was 11 years old. He was wearing a plain blue jumper with denim jeans and white trainers, He heard a door open from behind him and he turned round to see Turanga Leela. She was the one who found him in the sewers and gave him a home. She felt like a mother to him.....
“We’re going to land on Holotre 5 soon.” Leela told him. “Are you Ok Capy?” she asked.
“Yeah”, he said “I’m just drawing.” Leela peeked over his shoulder at what he was drawing.
“That’s good.” Leela  commented.
“Thanks” Capy replied.
Suddenly Fry burst into the room. He was screaming.
“ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Fry. Leela sighed.
“What is it this time Fry?” Leela asked reluctantly.
“Bender going to shove a nickel up my ass!!!!!” Fry told her.
“I’m coming”, Leela told Fry, “I got to go and sort this out Ok, Capy?”
“Yeah” sighed Capy reluctantly. Leela exited the room along with Fry and Bender’s screams were heard followed with the sound of leather hitting metal. Capy sighed. “This is going to be one long journey.” He thought to himself as the ship flew into the distance thanks to the Autopilot.

 Capy woke up. He looked at the clock and realised he had only 10 minutes to get to school. He jumped out of bed,  (which was in Planet Express) got changed and raced down stairs to see a note on a table.
“Dear Capy” he read,” you’re not going to school today for the school, as I been told, is infested by owls. I went out on a delivery to Spleenoid 89 with everyone from Planet Express, for Spleenoid 89 is the party planet and everyone wanted to go. I’ve left you with Cubert & Dwight (they can’t go and you can’t because it’s air has beer in if, and we don’t want you a alcoholic when you’re 11. Lots of love. Leela.” He sighed and turned to the kitchen to get his regular bowl of Admiral Crunch, to find a little ship on the floor containing.......
“Nibbler” he cried and Nibbler grabbed him into his tiny ship. “Get me out of here!!!!!!!!” he cried,
“You are needed, for the universe will soon be destroyed.”
“What?” Capy asked him. “What’s going on?” And as the tiny ship flew through  the open hanger of Planet Express, he screamed, and screamed, and screamed.
Meanwhile, Cubert walked into the kitchen to see it completely trashed.
“Well, I’m not cleaning this up. Where is that janitor?” he told himself, not hearing the distant screams of Capybara.

Stay tuned for more!!!!!!!
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Capybara is brought to you by Glangnars Human Rinds. It's a buncha muncha cruncha human!

[Reply #1 on:]

Alright....You get one thing straight, Mr. I didn't actually rip off anyone. I was inspired by it. That's somewhat different... Really, if you read them, they don't sound a bit alike....and how dare you ripoff my inspiration!   

Some constructive critiuqe from me: Leela doesn't strike me as one that's going to take in a kid from the sewers.I do know that one episode happened to have that almost happen, but it didn't. Perhaps you should also add in a little more detail? The sentences seemd a tad short for my taste...  Sorry. Other than that, Fry seems to be written decently. But why does he need a nickel up his ass when he has one up his nose?  Oh well, 10 cents is 10 cents... All my criticism aside, since this is your first writing ever, I'll slack off a little bit. I don't want you to stop writing...because the other PEELers might kick my ass...  I kid, I kid... But seriously. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't mind me saying, but perhaps change up the into a bit that's describing you? It seems almost a direct cut from my story... 

[Reply #2 on:]

   

Originally posted by Professor Zoidy:
Some constructive critiuqe from me: Leela doesn't strike me as one that's going to take in a kid from the sewers.I do know that one episode happened to have that almost happen, but it didn't. Perhaps you should also add in a little more detail? The sentences seemd a tad short for my taste...      Sorry. Other than that, Fry seems to be written decently. But why does he need a nickel up his ass when he has one up his nose?      Oh well, 10 cents is 10 cents... All my criticism aside, since this is your first writing ever, I'll slack off a little bit. I don't want you to stop writing...because the other PEELers might kick my ass...      I kid, I kid... But seriously. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't mind me saying, but perhaps change up the into a bit that's describing you? 

Well, I think she wanted something to talk to. And Nibbler doesn't talk to her.... also I don't get what you said about the description.....look, this is my style of writang so don't slack it off. I got a 5A in my SATS!! (That's kinda like a A+)You upset me!!!

   

Edit: I'm bored, so I bring you my start to a Tale Of Two Santas beggining if they had 5 mins or so.

(A cosy scene by the scene by the fire. The Professor is rocking in his chair and Cubert is reading a book entitled "Insulting For Geniuses" )
Prof: Gather round children, and I'll tell you a story of the time Bender became Santa.
Cubert: But there only me here, and I don't want to hear this stupid story again!
Prof: Shut up and sit down, damn you!
(Cubert sighs and sits in front of the Prof.)
Prof: Now this story starts...
(Prof falls asleep. Cubert gets up and pokes him. He wakes up suddenly.)
Prof: Who the hell are you?
Cubert: I'm you're clone, Cubert? Remember?
Prof: I don't have a clone, espically a one called Cubert! Think you could trick me! Well I have a good memory!
(Prof taps head)
Prof: Ow! Now get out!
Cubert: Fine.
(Cubert walks to the door.)
Prof: Where the hell are you going Cubert? Get here now!
(The door rings and Cubert opens it to see Hermes throw Dwight into the room)
Hermes: Have to go. Professor, you're his legal guardian till I get back.
(Hermes runs away.)
Cubert: Hi Dwight. The Professor is telling us the Bender/Santa story.
Dwight: Not again!
Prof: Dwight! Cubert! When did you get here?
Cubert: It's easier to do what he says.
(The boys sit back in front of the Prof.)
Prof: Now as I was saying....
(Prof falls asleep.)
Dwight: Wanna watch TV?
Cubert: OK.
(Prof wakes up and the boys groan.)
Prof:....It was a December morning.....
(Start of episode.)

[Reply #3 on:]

What I mean by describeing more is describe the environment around the characters, elaborate more. Test scores have nothing to do with this. 
I get 3s on my TAKS tests. I got a four a few times too. I didn't mean to offend you or anything...So if I did, I'm sorry. It's just my opinion. 

[Reply #4 on:]

Thanks for that! I just don't get it! Some people like my work and stuff but others don't. It's just weird.....so what do you think of my opening thing?

[Reply #5 on:]

I thought it was really quite better than your first work. I think you know how to write a script-like story better than you think.  Good job. Minor errors though. You forgot the "'s" on "there" in the Cubert line "But there only me here". Other than that, I liked it. 

[Reply #6 on:]

Capy: It's an excellent start. Don't let anyone's negativite attitude discourage you.

Aside from the fact that everyone's tastes are different (Even Futurama has it's harsh critics!), there's a reason you get mixed reactions from your writing online: You're very young, and it shows in your style. Some people just see that and are immediately dismissive. Says as much about them as it says does about your writing.

Keep it up!

[Reply #7 on:]

Uhh, yeah..What Gopher said. And for the record, I never said I hated it...Unless I posted that I hated it. 

[Reply #8 on:]

I like to beggining of you story. Normally I go for the shippy storys but your storys shows great portantial even without shippy scenes.
Saying that, I see nothing wrong with adding Fry and Leela shippy stuff in, if you like 
Please add more to the story, I would enjoy reading it.
Ps, for shippy insperation, see Frys song fanfic.

[Reply #9 on:]

Capybara... Is that... My script style you're using?

Finally, people are paying attention to me! 

@Gopher: Can you tell how old I am from my fics?