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Author Topic: Futurama Fan Fic Transcript  (Read 869 times)
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« on: 02-22-2005 18:05 »

Well hear you go! It was something i did as a piece of coursework for my English Language course, never thought i'd get to do it on something fun   :D Its an episode about Mom and the Professor and it's related to the idea about Ignore that was never delt with, unfortuantely. 

Futurama Season 5-Episode 01

That Dammed Son of Mine

[Opening Credits. Caption: Reminding you that life is one big roller coaster ride of pain and misery ]

[Scene opens with a shot of Planet Express , hover cars fly past along with a truck promoting Salted Slugs. Inside the planet express crew, Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy and Hermes are all sat around the main table. Professor Farnsworth walks in.]

Professor: Good News everyone! I have some news for you all. But Iím afraid itís very bad.

[He sits down and pulls out the remote for the large TV screen. The Global news appears with news reporters Morbo and Lynda.]

Morbo: In todayís news evil world leader Richard Nixon has declared that all mere humans must undergo a  truth scan. This new law has been established to reveal any possible threats to Nixonís evil rain of horrid terror!

[Lynda laughs]

Lynda: This test will also be conducted on kittenís and any new born babies will have to undergo surgery to have their brains implanted with a metal skull protector since the ray used is highly radioactive and is likely to cause long term damage to all old people and anyone remotely sane.

[The TV turns off and the crew all stare at the professor]

Leela: They canít do this, we have rights, donít we?

Hermes: Nope. Remember , the law of no rights to all humans was introduced just three weeks ago.

Bender: Interesting. Itís as though Nixon planned this all along.

Amy: Well splu.

Leela: What are we going to do Professor. We canít just give in to this madness.

Professor: Speak for yourself, Iíve got nothing to hide! Except for my DoomsdayÖoh dear.

Fry: So what, itís not like itís going to hurt us or anything.

Leela: Were you even listening to the news Fry?

Fry: The what?

Leela: The News!

Fry: The News, boy I have been gone along time. All these new weird alien shows, thatís the future for you.

Leela: The News isnítÖ.oh forget it.

[Doctor Zoidberg walks in.]

Fry: Hey Zoidberg, you heard about the ÖtheÖwhatís it called again LeelaÖyou know that thing you were talking about.

[Leela rolls her eye in disbelief.]

Zoidberg: Guess what friends, I got paid to give those truth scans. But the best part is that I got paid, money!

Leela; Hey thatís greatÖwait your giving the truth scans?

Zoidberg: Yes, and I got paid, paid I tell you. And to celebrate Iím inviting all my friends to a celebration party.

Amy: Celebration?

Zoidberg: Its crustacean day. Where my people celebrate the day when we were accepted into normal civilisation by the kind people of this planet.

Hermes: Youíll never be accepted here you spineless shell fish.

Zoidberg: Such emotions, you humans are all so clingy.

Leela: Screw the party, weíre all going to end up like mindless idiots!

[Leela looks at Fry who is attempting to eat a cake but misses and it goes in his eye.]

Bender: What you worried about? Iím exempt because Iím a robot, and by robot I mean me, Bender. While youíre a one eyed mutant.

Leela: Of course! Iíve never been so happy  to be a one eyed mutant.

Professor: Enough with you one eyed crap! Iím old and tried and since Iím not getting any younger, quite the reverse actually, anywayÖ..oh I forgot what I was saying or trying to say. On a more interesting note, your all ugly and Fry you smell worse than Zoidberg!

Amy: Do you ever shower?

Fry: Hell no! Showers are for human people, back in my day people didnít shower, because we all smelt bad.

Zoidberg: Smellís are a matter of taste.

Professor: Anyhowz, I suggest we all do something to make the show more interesting. Any ideasÖ.?

[Three weeks later]

[The professor walks into the staff room. Fry, Leela and Bender are all sat on the couch]

Professor: Well itís been three weeks and weíve done nothing, and you three havenít even delivered those three packages from the three mutineers of the planet Gagoneblaz 333.

Fry: Yeah time sure flyís when your sat on a couch doing butt squat

Bender: Donít worry Professor, soon your mind will be warped by that truth scan and you can live a pointlessly useless existence as a mindless fool. Humans have so many weak points.
Professor: Enough of your yityat, we need to do something and fast!

Fry: Is this the sort of doing that involves any sort of effort?

Professor: Of course you moron! Now get of your lazy butts and save my very old and saggy one from the slaughter.

[Fry, Bender, and Leela all stand staring around not knowing what to do]

[Scene opens with Momís HQ. Inside Mom is looking through a window at the rest of the city. Her three sons, Larry, Walt, and Ignore are behind her. Walt turns on the TV.]

Nixon: It has come to my attention that no one has submitted to my outrageous demands. I have been forewarned that their will be a revolt if I go through with this forced procedure. But to keep face, and I need it since I no longer have a body, I have decided to only scan one person, the oldest man or  woman in New New York, which is [ security guard shows Nixon a small piece of paper] HUBERT FARNSWORTH! So it has been decided, let the hunt begin!
Mom: Holy Hell! Hubert Farnsworth!

Larry: Wasnít he the only man you ever loved?

Mom: No, shut your filthy face you filth bag of dirt!

Ignore: Mummy. Is he my father?

[Larry and Walt all turn with shocked expressions on their faces]

Mom: NO! Well, that depends whatÖ.shut your face or Iíll jam a squirrel in it!

[Mom slaps Ignore]

Walt: Is it true mother dear?

[Mom takes a deep sigh and then speaks]

Mom: Yes! But donít expect me to go through the details, you can explain that to ignore later!

Ignore: Can I meet him mummy?

Mom: NO! [Mom slaps ignore again] But we do need a plan to save  that old nut loop.

Larry: Why?


[Scene opens with the city hall. Inside the Professor is awaiting the truth scan strapped to a chair. Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, Amy, and Hermes are all waiting and watching. Nixonís head enters in the hands of a bodyguard. He is placed on the table at the front of the hall.]

Nixon: Well, hear we are at long last. My evil plan may have failed but I still have the power to test it on  this old [looks at the professor] very old man.

Professor: Spare me your pleasantries and get it over with already!


[The doors at the back of the hall open and a small robot enters on one wheel. It rolls up to the professor and a green ray appears and starts to move towards the Professors brain.]

Leela: I canít bare this!

Fry: So, if you donít like it donít watch it, change the channel.

[Just as  the scan is about to reach the Professorís brain the doors open again and Mom and her three sons walk in.]

Mom: Nixon, stop the scan!

Nixon: What! You said we had a deal?

Mom: Yes we did, when you promised me thousands of mindless slaves  but instead you use my robots to scan one man!

Nixon: The people were protesting! Besides you canít stop me!

Mom: Shut your hole you bodiless head. Iím not called a beloved billionaire for nothing. Get him boys!

[Walt and Larry raise laser guns at Nixon and his guards]

Mom: Ignore you drivelling puke free Farnsworth before he goes stale.

Ignore: Who, Daddy?

[The entire hall goes quite and they all look at Mom]

Mom: You idiot! WALT, GET ME A SQUIRREL!

Leela: Mom and the Professor have a son?

Fry: I never knew?

Professor: Neither did I?

Ignore: Daddy, Mummy is mean and hits me.

Professor: Good god! Thatís it MOM, Iím taking my child home and theirs nothing you can do to stop me.

Mom: You old bastard, what do you know about raising a child.

Professor: Nothing, but Bender hear is a perfect Nanny.

[Bender is slouched smoking a cigar and drinking at the same time, he belches]

Mom: Heís my son and heís mine to beat whenever I want you old goat!

Professor: I demand custody! Demand it!

Leela: Well I guess theirs only one way to settle this, a court hearing.

[Scene opens outside the court. Inside Mom, Walt, Larry, Ignore, the Professor, Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Hermes and Zoidberg are all sat awaiting the judge. Nixon is placed in the judgeís chair.] 

Leela: Nixonís the judge!

Nixon: Yes I could use some entertainment. Let the trail for custody begin!

Mom: Ignore is mine you old withered sack of half baked butter!

Professor: Go to hell you power hungry she devil!

Mom: My son is not growing up with that old fool!

Professor: Well at least I havenít beaten him!

Mom: Only because you didnít know you had a son to beat!

Professor: Dam it Mom, I would have used him as a means of cheap labour, not a punch bag!

Mom: Shut your mouth you withered wart!

Professor: Oh lets all get abusive, youíd like that wouldnít you!

Mom: Shove your melodrama before I dig you a new grave

Professor: Iím not dead yet dam it!

Nixon: Enough! While the Professor is entitled to spend some Ďquality timeí with his child it has come to my attention that Planet Express is by no means a safe environment in which to bring up a child, and what with you breeding atomic monsters the idea of you gaining access is unquestionable!

Fry: Why?

Professor: Those monsters were bread to defeat those globetrotters, and to save our own planet from the ridicule of being beaten in a game of basketball!

Bender: Yeah but then there was that whole time skipping thing, boy was that weird.

Leela: Bender weíre supposed to be on the Professorís side.

Bender: I am, I just felt it was necessary to shout it so that my part in this story would have some sort of relevance.

Amy: Well at least you have enough lines.

Hermes: Quite weíd all like a bigger part but this is another one of those episodes focused around the Professorís past relationship with Mom.

Fry: Well just as long as this doesnít end up with some sort of Robot rebellion and a cabin withÖ.(shudders from the thought of the outcome of Motherís Day)

Professor: Of course, I knew Iíd forgotten something, other than who I am. That crazy woman tried to take over the world!

Nixon: True but as an evil world leader Iím all for world domination myself.

 Fry: The Professors having a hard time, perhaps theyíll go easy on him because heís old.

Bender: Very old!

Professor: Enough with the very old age crap! Iím trying to earn custody hear!

Bender: Why!

[Everyone looks at the Professor who stares blankly.]

Professor: You know Iím not quite sure, all this arguing and digging up of the past has made me forget the point of this wholeÖ.whatever  the hell this is! Iím bored lets go dam it!

Leela: Wasnít it so that you could get custody of the son you never knew so that you could get to know him after all this time?

Professor: Well those arguments aside were still going.

Nixon: Mom wins custody of her son Ignore.

Mom: Well boyís itís time to go to that charity party for jerkís who worship the second coming of Zombie Jesus. Goodbye losers!

Ignore: But Daddy donít you like me?

Professor: Oh dear, Iím sorry son, but what with you being so young and me being so..

Bender: OLD!

Professor: Yes, thank you Bender, what with our age differences and all I felt it would be best if we continued our normal lives, and Iím sure that your Mother really cares for you, aside from the physical abuse.

Ignore: But youíre my Daddy!

Professor: Oh, well, you can come and visit at the weekends!


Professor: Oh dear!

Ignore: Goodbye Daddy.

Professor: Goodbye son.

[Ignore leaves and everyone gathers around the Professor]

Fry: Donít worry Professor you still have us.


[Scene opens outside planet express. In the lab the Professor is viewing the smellascope]

Professor: Ah the heavenly sent of fresh burning molten larva from the sun. [The Professor looks sad  and Fry enters]

Fry: Are you all right Professor, it must be hard not being able to see your son.

Professor: Thank you for your concern Fry, but I have to accept that he was never part of my life and probably never will be.

[Mom enters]

Professor: Mom! If youíve come to tell me I suck then your to late, Iíve been told that by millions of people already, now whoís got egg on their face.

Fry: The Professor has nothing to say to you, do you [the professor shakes his head] no he doesnít.

Mom: Butt out of this pig trout! Hubert I need a quite word with you.

Professor: Its alright Fry, if she bores me Iíll bellow down the bellow oí phone, itís one of my latest inventions.

[Fry leaves]

Mom: Listen  Hubert, Iíve been thinking and despite my normal lack of giving a flying ape about anyone, Ignore is unhappy, and as his mother Iíve decided you can see him, for old times sake.

Professor: Well thatís very good of you, I guess!

Mom: We used to have such a laugh together, I loved you once and today reminded me of that. We canít change the past, but Ignore wants to know his father, so he can, but only once every four weeks.

Professor: Oh Mom, I loved you too, canít we go back to how things were?

Mom:  No Hubert, weíre too different, but you can see Ignore for what we once had, together. Goodbye Hubey.

[Mom walks out. The Professor looks on and then a montage of clips appear showing the Professor and Mom at the cinema, riding a bike, sharing an ice-cream, walking along a beach and kissing. Images from when they were young and in love.  The song  ĎWhatís love got to do with ití plays during the clips and through into the credits]

[End Credit]   

« Reply #1 on: 02-26-2005 09:51 »

Thinking of new stories just makes me wish there were more episodes. I really wish they'd done the whole Ignore secret for real!

DOOP Secretary
« Reply #2 on: 02-27-2005 00:19 »

Leela: I canít bare this!

I'm no spelling and grammar-slammer like TL, but this made me laugh out loud and think to myself "But I wish she would."

It was an otherwise solid outing, which (from me) means it wasn't shippy and was written in script form.

« Reply #3 on: 02-27-2005 10:49 »

Thanks a lot DrThunder88! Glad you enjoyed it!

DOOP Secretary
« Reply #4 on: 02-28-2005 02:42 »

I was actually ruminating on this at work today.  There were a few things I didn't care for in the story.  First, the way the Professor was chosen to have his brain scanned seemed a little...is 'capricious' the right word?.  Perhaps a better device would have been to say the large-scale brain scanning was being used to investigate some sort of pervasive or newsworthy crime (a la the USA PATRIOT Act).  Then you could go on to say that, for whatever reason, the scannings would be reserved for especially dangerous or especially guilty persons.  As you brought up, the Professor is somewhat well-known for jeapordizing the planet with his technological terrors.  Otherwise the Professor's fate seems like a...somebody help me out, what's the opposite of a deus ex machina?

Second, I don't know if I like Mom's complete reversal of opinion as to who can or cannot see Ignar (each time I see "Ignore" I tend to do so). 
Knowing full-well that Mom is prone to violent outbursts of anger (as opposed to other kinds of violent outbursts), it is still hard to believe that Mom would just give in like that.  In my experience, custody is more frequently about power rather than the welfare of the children when it comes to relationships ended in anger.  That isn't to say Ignar is a child, mind you, regardless of developmental disabilities.

« Reply #5 on: 02-28-2005 14:04 »

I know exactly what you mean! I just wish i'd had more time to improve on it. I was a bit concerned about those area's that seemed a bit to loose. The Professor being chosen was just a quick way to get on with the story. I probably should have stated this before, but i was limited to how long it could be, so i really had to cut it down a lot.
However, my explanation for Moms complete change of mind was because deep down i believe she does care for the Professor, i just wanted to emphasise that point. I really would have liked it to have been longer, maybe i'll extend on it at some point? Anyway, i'm kinda flattered that you spent time thinking about it! Thanks for your thoughts!

Urban Legend
« Reply #6 on: 03-21-2005 16:44 »

I liked your transcript, eviljester!  Really good.  You ought to post it to The Leela Zone or Fanfiction.net  whichever you desire.

Oh, and Mom's son is named 'Inger'.  You're right, it's a shame that there's no new episodes and we can finally learn the secret paternity of Inger. 
Starship Captain
« Reply #7 on: 03-21-2005 17:00 »

lol it was a good read... it's also very intune with the actual show

« Reply #8 on: 04-13-2005 14:02 »

Thanks cujoe169 and KurtPikachu2001, i really appreciate your interest!!!
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