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Author Topic: My first Fanfic, hope you like it.  (Read 2410 times)
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Starship Captain
« on: 02-10-2005 19:05 »

Well hello to all of you.
This is my first Fanfic.
I hope you like it.  :)

The first part that I will post tonight, is a teaser. It is a part of the first part of the story. I will post the rest of the first part if you (all of you) give me feedback and comment on it. (Don't be afraid to tell me if it's bad)



This could not be real, it had to be a dream, no not a dream but a nightmare a really bad nightmare. Fry did not want too look and did not want too hear what was going on in front of him. Thing's where moving, a huge shadows was in front of him holding something down. There was so much noise, none he could understand. Then he heard the most disturbing sound he could imagine, he heard is name, he heard someone crying. He could not see who it was, but he heard is name again, it sounded like someone begging for him. Then he saw, he saw fear, he saw death, he saw the end of all things he likes and love, he saw all that in her eye …..

Jan 14, 3005 Deep past the Vector 12 system.

Phillip J. Fry leaps up in is bed, covered in sweat...


« Reply #1 on: 02-10-2005 19:19 »

Well, you caught my attention, I'll give you that. Consider using spell/grammar check, but aside from that, you have me waiting for more!

Starship Captain
« Reply #2 on: 02-10-2005 19:28 »

Well sorry about the spelling and grammar. You see I am a French Canadian, so that fic was written in French first and now I am translating it in English for all of you. I will try my best to correct most of my spelling and grammar mistake.

Thank you for your comment Omega470.

« Reply #3 on: 02-11-2005 00:40 »

i for sure wanna see more and it's cool that your taking the time to translate your fanfic

Bending Unit
« Reply #4 on: 02-11-2005 09:04 »

Nice...really nice... Well you have me interested... awiting more...

Starship Captain
« Reply #5 on: 02-11-2005 17:41 »
« Last Edit on: 06-04-2005 00:00 »

  Ok, now it’s the time for me to give you all the whole first part of my fic.

But before you read it, consider this:
1- This is 2 of my fic that I combine.
2- The first and the second part are flashback heavy; I had to do this because I need to bring all of you up to date with the story. But don’t worry, the suspense and action will start in part 3 (still working on it)

Here we go

By: Nic2001 (N.R.)
Part I

This could not be real, it had to be a dream, no not a dream but a nightmare a really bad nightmare. Fry did not want too look and did not want too hear what was going on in front of him. Thing where moving, a huge shadows was in front of him holding something down. There was so much noise, none he could understand. Then he hears the most disturbing sound he could imagine, he hears is name, he hears someone crying. He couldn’t see who it was, but he hears is name again. Someone was begging for him. Then he saw, he saw fear, he saw death, he saw the end of all things he likes and love, he saw all that in her eye …..

Jan 14, 3004 deep past the Vector 12 system

Philip J. Fry leaps up in is bed, cover in sweat. He looks around him; he was in the captain bedroom aboard the Planet Express Ship. He turns around, but he was alone in the room.

- (Fry) -What an awful nightmare that was, I better get myself ready, we will be arriving soon.

While rubbing his eyes, he went in the shower. After getting out of it, he begins to put some clothes on. After putting on is old pair of jean, he took the picture on the bedside table and begins to think about what happen during the last 5 months…

August 3003 New New York, M.H.O.P. (Metropolitan House Of Opera)

Fry stop playing is Holophonor, he opens his eyes and gaze in the room, Leela was gone!
He did expect her to stay at least until the end, she asked him to continue but she was gone. He took is Holophonor and put it back in is case, stood up, bow in front of the empty room and left the scene. He was backstage when tears began to form in is eyes.

- (Fry crying) -At least now I know that Leela is really a lost cause, I don’t think I will ever find a way to win her heart again. It’s over, I give up.

- (Leela soft voice) - Fry, don’t say that.

- (Fry) - Leela!!!! (He wipe the tears off with is arm) What are you doing here???

- (Leela) - I came to be with you on the stage. (She gets closer to him) No one ever did something that big to show how much they love me.

- (Fry to himself) - I did something bigger once, but you blew it up….

Leela keep walking toward Fry.

- (Fry still to himself) - … got rid of the worms, found out about your parents, gave you my oxygen, saved you from the museum fire…

He couldn’t finish because Leela was now kissing him. When she finally removes her lips from his, it didn’t take long for him to kiss her back. When they finally separate themselves from each other, they both had shy faces, they stood up looking at each other.

- (Fry’s mind) - Did I did it, did I finally win her heart or is it a false hope again?

- (Leela’s mind) - Wow, that was good, I should have done this a long time ago. What was I thinking?

- (Fry and Leela same time) - Do you want to ….. Would you like to …..
Fry signal to Leela to ask her question first.

- (Leela) - Fry, would you like to go out and take a beer with me tonight?

- (Fry) - Leela, Are you “aksing” me Philip J. Fry out on a date tonight???

Leela acknowledge with a head movement.

- (Fry) - Sure Leela I would like to go out with you tonight and get a beer.

- (Leela) - Ok, I’ll call a taxi, oh and Fry, It’s on me.

- (Fry) - Ok Leela.

 When she was out of the room, Fry exploded.

- (Fry) - YES YES YES YES I finally did it, she asked me out, she really asked me out and she kissed me and …. Wait, what in robot hell am I still doing here??? Leela wait for me!

Mid September 3003 New New York, Elzar’s restaurant

(After many successful date, and some not so successful)

Fry and Leela were waiting in line; a waitress came and ask them is they had a reservation.

- (Waitress) - I hope for you two that you have a reservation otherwise get out were full.

- (Fry) - Well yes Miss (Fry read her name tag) Miss Riltera, I think we have reservation under the name Fry.

- (Waitress) – Sorry but I don’t see your name on the list sir.

- (Fry) - Ok… (He look at Leela with a sign of distress in is face) look under Philip J. Fry.

- (Waitress) - Nada, SECURITY!

- (Leela) -Wait, look under Bender!

- (Waitress) - Oh I see, Mr. Bender reserved the crappy table for two in the corner near the washroom. Follow me please.

- (Fry) - I’m sorry Leela, I should have call for the reservation but Bender wanted to be part of it and well I … you see… it’s ….

- (Leela) - Its ok Fry, let’s order the meal, I’m starving.

- (Fry) - Ok but this time, I’m paying.

- (Elzar) - Hey, welcome to you my cheap looking customers, my name is Elzar, what will you take tonight?

- (Leela) - I will take the Spécial du chef.

- (Fry) -And I’ll take the classic burger with extra soylent green sauce and bring a bottle of your best red house wine. Thank you.

- (Elzar) - So mix leftover for the freak lady, recycle horse meat in dry buns for the weird looking guy and a good bottle of spoil grape juice. Coming right up!

Later that night, Leela and Fry were talking about how well their relation was going when Bender sneak up on them.

- (Bender) - Oh your god, I don’t believe it, look everyone, it’s my good chump Fry and is love Leela. I can’t believe it, wow they are…

Bender could not finish its phrase; Leela’s purse had somehow made its way to the back of his head. Fry wishes he was 10,000 miles away. Leela was mad, for the first time in weeks, they were alone together. She had something important to say to Fry, but that robot had to 1- reserve the worse table in the restaurant, 2- chose the busiest night of the week and 3- show up. She was going to jump over the table and kick Bender shiny metal ass but Fry stop her.

- (Bender) - Look Leela, I’m the one who asked Bender to come here tonight.

Leela, stun, fell back in her chair.

- (Bender) - That right, my best buddy here has something very important to tell you and he asked me to...

- (Leela) – (She turns to face Fry) You had something important to tell me?

Fry was nervous but had to do it.

- (Fry) - Leela, (he took her hands) you are the most special women I ever meet. I always cherished our relation as friends until that day on the Titanic. Since that day, I felt affection for you, but you turned me down every time, I tried to tell you so many times... Leela, (tears were forming in her eye) I love you!

- (Leela) - Fry, (she was still holding his hand, tears were dropping on the table) I…. I love you too!

They got closer and they kiss; the people in the restaurant cheers, the waitress wipe a tear with her finger.

- (Bender) - Awwww! How cute, (he took a picture) ok seen enough, I have other thing to do.

Bender left with the half finish bottle of wine and Leela’s purse. Fry and Leela where still kissing when...

- (Elzar) - And here’s yours bill. BAM!

Later that night, at Leela’s apartment, they did ‘it’ for the first time.



To be continued.

Please give me feedback if you like it.

(Edit: I changed the date and corrected some spelling and grammar mistake I did)
(Re-edit: I change some words and small part of the text(nothing special))
Edit again: Small rewrite, did some editing and corrected some spelling and grammar mistakes. 

Starship Captain
« Reply #6 on: 02-14-2005 22:12 »

Don't know why I didn't notice this thread before. Anyways,great work. Keep up the good work.

Starship Captain
« Reply #7 on: 02-16-2005 13:07 »

Wow! I finally got a reply.  :eek:
Thank you for your comment Philp_j_Fry.

Part 2 should be up by Friday.  :)


Delivery Boy
« Reply #8 on: 02-16-2005 20:06 »

grettings nic2001 your story is really intaresting can't wait for part 2 hazza fry finally got leela all on his own.

Starship Captain
« Reply #9 on: 02-17-2005 17:28 »
« Last Edit on: 05-13-2005 00:00 »

Thank you Jubei for your feedback.   :)
Yeah, Fry won Leela's heart the honest way. (Well if you don't count the robot Devil hands in the first part of the opera)   :p

Any way, here is the second part of my fic.
Part II   

January 14 3004, Planet Express Ship, in view of the Trilack 4 sys.

Fry put the picture of him and his love (at Elzar) back on the bedside table. He put is
T-shirt on and walks toward the bridge. On is way he hears Leela calling him on the intercom.

- (Leela) - Fry! Are you up yet? Get up! We are almost there! Hurry up and get ready.

He did not answer; he was already in frond of the bridge door. He walks thru the door and he sees her standing in front of the ship space windshield, holding a pad of paper.

- (In Fry’s mind) - Talk about déjà vue!

She was in the same position that she had the first time he saw her 4 years ago. She turns around, gaze at him and smile.

- (Fry) - Hi darling, are we there yet. (Fry walk toward Leela, passing a sleeping Nibbler in is small pet bed)

- (Leela) - Almost, we still have an hour or so before we land. You did fast; I will have to install an intercom at the apartment so you get up faster in the morning. (She gave him a nice long kiss)

- (F) - You know Leela, I was already up.

- (L) - Really? Well that’s a first.

- (F) - Oh come on, you said it yourself; I changed a lot since you moved in with me…

Leela’s flashback
Late November 3003, New New York, Apartment 1I

- (Leela) -What!!! That’s not fair! Why do I have to move out? You can’t cancel my rent like that! I won’t let you do it, I…

- (Sal) -Look’s lady, I ‘ms just the contractor. All I knows is that the building’s is getting demolish to build’s a bigger and more modern living’s structure. You have 48 hours to leave.

- (Leela) - 48 hours but …

- (Sal) - Look I told’s you all I knows. Good day miss.

Sal left. Leela sat down on her couch and looks around her.

- (Leela to her self) - Well at least I don’t have too many furniture to move out. But were will I go? Maybe my parents will take me in for a short time? Or maybe Amy will let me crash at her place? I just don’t know what to do.

Leela was looking desperate. Small tears were forming in her eye… Then:

- (Fry) - Hi Leela. Did you know that your door was wide open, you once told me to always lock the… (He saw the tears on her face and ran to her side.) What’s wrong?

- (L) - They are throwing me on the street! They gave me 48 hours to leave. They are going to raze this building!

- (F) - No! Really! But I though… Wait a minute, who are “they”??? And why are…

Fry was distracted by the sound of an electro hammer outside. He peeks by the still open door and see Sal nailing an eviction notice in the hall of the building.

- (L) - Fry? (He turned back at Leela) What do I do now???

Fry looks around, walks into the kitchen and her bedroom. A few seconds later he came back in the living room.

- (F) - Well at least you don’t have a lot of stuff to move out.

Leela gave him her angry look, and then she looks around her again and became even more depress.

- (F) - But you know Leela, this is perfect, (she glance back at him) you can move in with me. 

- (L) – I’m not really sure about this Fry.

- (F) - Why not? I’ll clean the place up! It will be great, you’ll see.

- (L) - I don’t want to impose myself, and Bender will not be happy about this.

- (F) - Don’t you worry about Bender, (to self: I still pay 60% of the rent because of that bet I lost against him on a RoboFootBall game) and I’m sure he will be glad to see you.

Later that day

- (Bender) -Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You got kicked out of your apartment. Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! That’s so funny! And he wants you to live here, let me laugh even harder… (He was never able to do it; Leela kick him in the face, sending him flying across the room) Why you do that for?

Leela did not have the time to respond.

- (Fry) - Listen Bender, Leela is coming to live here with us no matter what.

Leela was really impresses by the way Fry was taking control of the situation.

- (B) - Fine fine, I always wanted another human pet. (He looks at her)-(To him self)-Well technically speaking.

Fry gave him cold stare.

- (B) - Ok ok, Leela if my buddy wants you to move in with us so much, Its okay with me.

- (Leela) - Thank you Bender, is it ok for Nibbler as well?

- (B) - What! That little Rat! There’s no way… (Fry slap him behind the head) …you’re moving in without him.

- (L) - Thank you again Bender. (She hugs him and she went to the bathroom)

Bender turned to Fry (with angry eye mode on)

- (B) - You own me one meat bag.

- (F) - No way amigo, I don’t own you anything. If you do any thing bad to her, you’ll regret it.

- (B) - Oh yeah, what will you do skin tube?

- (F) - Do you remember the dinner you served at Calculon 1000 show party?

- (B) - Yeah, what about it?

- (F) - Well I don’t think he would be happy to know how you paid for all the food you ordered from Elzar’s restaurant.

- (B) - Why you little… I don’t know what you’re talking about mister; I am going out for a walk now.

- (F) - So Leela can stay?

- (B) - Yes she can. (In mind –maybe the place will get clean up with her around)

- (F) - Nibbler’s too?

- (B) - Yeah yeah, just leave me alone! But don’t you forget who your best friend is.

- (F) - I won’t, buddy. I won’t.

Leela came back from the washroom.

- (L) - What was that all about?

- (F) -Nothing! (Looking left and right)

- (L) - You know Fry, that place has everything we need. It’s a little small but once clean, it will be okay.

- (F) - Yeah I know. So what do we do with your stuff?

- (L) - I don’t know, well first, your bed is a wreck, and I think we should take mine.

- (F) - Yeah and we will take your TV too! Mine is just a small 20inch set. Yours is a huge 70inch flat screen, it will look nice on that wall.

- (L) - Right and if we move the …

- (Fry) - Leela! Leela! Hello? (Fry was waving his hands in front of her face)

Leela came back from her flash back.

- (Leela) - What? Sorry about that Fry, I was just thinking back at the day I moved in with you.

- (Fry) - Ha yes that day. Started bad, ended great.

Leela had a little bit of a shy look in her face.

- (Leela) -Yeah, poor Bender could not sleep that night. Do you remember when he burst into the bedroom telling us to enjoy “ourselves” a little quieter? It must have cost him a lot to soundproof his closet.

- (F) - Yeah, what a great night that was! By the way Leela, if we still have an hour before we land, why did you asked me to hurry up?

- (L) - I just want to have lunch with my boyfriend.

- (F) - Oh okay. I’ll go down and make some sandwiches. Fry’s style!

- (L) – Also, can you feed Nibbler while you’re at it?

- (F) – Sure! (He lightly kicks Nibbler’s bed) Come on you poop machine, time to eat.

Nibbler got up and ran past Fry on the way down to the kitchen.

- (L) - I’ll be down in a minute Fry. (She set the autopilot on.)


- (Old voice) - Your plan is in motion my lord.

- (Deep voice) - Good, are you sure that his ally will not interfere.

- (Old voice) - Yes my lord, they do not know about our plan.

- (Deep voice) -What about her?
- (Old voice) - Don’t worry about his protector, we will get rid of her first and then we will have our revenge on the “One”.

- (Deep Voice) - Good, very good. You may continue with the operation.

- (Old voice) - With pleasure my lord.

Back in the Planet Express Ship. (T-minus 30 min before landing)

- (Leela) - Mmmm. These are really good Fry.

- (Fry) - Thank you. You see I used the… No! You already got you’re food. Let my leg go Nibbler! You will not eat my sandwich! Get off me! Leela help me out here!

- (L) - Oh come on sweetheart, he just wants to take a bite.

- (F) - No way Leela! He already ate is food and the 2 first sandwiches I did.

Leela saw the empty can of Kibbles “N” Snouts on the counter.

- (L) - Ok now Nibbler, you ate enough for today.

Nibbler glance back at her and went back up to the bridge.

- (L) - You know Fry; maybe you should show Bender a trick or two in the kitchen.

- (F) - Are you crazy Leela? He would kick my ass. Anyway, it will have to wait until Amy and the Professor find all of his parts.

- (L) - What was he thinking? Betting against Donbot on a robot mafia sponsored horse race. He’s lucky that Clamps and Mousepad did not used fast hardening concrete. Looks like this robot will never learn his lesson.

- (F) - Bender is not that bad Leela, he’s just different. He can really do great things when he wants to. Like when he saved your dad from…

The 10min to autopilot offline warning alarm rang.

- (L) - Sorry Fry but that discussion will have to wait for when we come back from the delivery. Clean the table and meet me back on the bridge in your uniform.

- (F) - Yes captain!

Fry clean up the table and got in his Planet Express uniform. On his way to the bridge his nightmare came back to hunt him. He saw her calling him for help again, he saw the shadows and he saw the blood… Blood on her… Blood on his hands… Blood in his mouth… He took his head in his hands.

- (Fry screaming) - Stop it!!!
He felt the nightmare fade away.

- (Fry) -What was that all about. I’m having nightmare while I’m awake now? Better tell Leela about that.

He run passes an alarm Nibbler.

- (Lord Nibbler) -Could it be?

I hope you liked it. I am now working on part 3. (Coming soon)   :)
Please leave me feedback if you read my fic.   

Edit: (May 13th) I did a small rewrite and corrected many spelling and grammar mistakes.

Starship Captain
« Reply #10 on: 02-17-2005 17:50 »

Great chapter, the suspense is killing me. Keep up the good work.

Starship Captain
« Reply #11 on: 02-17-2005 18:15 »

Thank you for your reply Philip_J_Fry.  :)

So you liked the suspense, just wait for the action to start.  :D   :D   :D

Delivery Boy
« Reply #12 on: 02-17-2005 21:00 »

 i concur with phlip j fry this really was great chapter can't wait for part 3. oh by the way maybe when get through with your fic maybe yo could give my story a read and tell me what you think but make sure that it is on the thread that i made which has the same name as the story

Starship Captain
« Reply #13 on: 02-21-2005 15:22 »

Thank you you your reply Jubei.  :)

I am still working on part 3 & 4

Lots of suspence, action and mystery.

I hope that I will be able to post part 3 before the end of the week.

Bye for now.

P.s. Jubei I will try to read your fic soon.
Futurama Nerd

« Reply #14 on: 02-21-2005 15:27 »

Wow, that's a really good start. I can't wait to read the rest of it.  :)

Bending Unit
« Reply #15 on: 02-21-2005 18:51 »

Nice work...And the script form isn't bothering me as usual (i prefer prose).
Well let's see what will happen now...

Delivery Boy
« Reply #16 on: 02-21-2005 22:03 »

Grettings Nic2001 i agree with Futurama Nerd your first fanfic is a lot better than  mine you have a skill that surpases my own so keep up the good work. p.s tell me what think of my story when you get time to read it and you can do that by posting on my thread which by the way has the same name as the story.

Starship Captain
« Reply #17 on: 02-24-2005 12:59 »
« Last Edit on: 02-24-2005 12:59 »

Looks like I got 3 replies.   :)

Futuramanerd: Thank you, part 3 will be up Friday or Saturday.

Swidzi: Yeah, I think that my writing form is like script. Glad you like it.

Jubei: Ok I found your fic. I will read it soon. (Maybe this weekend)

Now I must return to work.   :(
See you later guys.

Delivery Boy
« Reply #18 on: 02-25-2005 21:07 »

Grettings Nic I'am glad that you found my fic and that you whant to read it. when you are finished reading it tell me what think by post on my thread which has the same name as the story.

Starship Captain
« Reply #19 on: 02-26-2005 10:02 »
« Last Edit on: 05-21-2005 00:00 »

Hey Jubei! I am reading your fic right now.
I will give you feedback as soon as I finish reading it.

Ok now it's time for PART 3.      :)
The longest part yet.
Hope you like it.
Part III

January 14 3004, Planet Express Ship, in orbit of Trilack 4 (T-minus 10min to landing)

Fry burst through the bridge door.

- (Fry) - Leela! Something weird just happen.

- (Leela) - Yes I know.

- (Fry) - You know? How could you know about my awoken nightmare?

- (Leela) - All I know is that it should be there and it’s not.

- (F) - What my nightmare?

- (L) - NO! Not that, the landing zone is not were it should be and… What are you talking about Fry?

Nibbler hides himself under the weapons console, listening at the conversation.

- (F) - Last night I had a terrible nightmare. I don’t really remember what it was but I remember that you were there and I was too. I think we were being attack by something and…

- (L) - Last night you say?

- (F) - Well when I woke up, you were gone.

- (L) - Fry, somebody has to fly this ship you know, the autopilot can’t do it alone. I had to get up early to check if we were still on course. You’re the one who sleep until halfway in the day.

- (F) - But Leela, what about my…

- (L) - Now listen to me Fry. It’s not the first time you had a nightmare you know. You had at least 2 of them last week and you always woke up shouting my name. You remember?

- (F) - Yeah but those were not that bad.

Nibbler became even more alarm after hearing that Fry had more of these “nightmares”.

- (L) - Look Fry I’m sorry but we have to land, I just found a suitable landing zone.

- (F) - But Leela…

- (L) - Not now Fry please. Looks like I’ll have to land the ship in that electron storm.

Fry did not answer back; he sits in the seat by the weapons console, kicking Nibbler by mistake.

- (Fry) - What are you doing there? Go in your pet bed! You don’t want to disturb captain attitude over there.

Nibbler went in is bed with a sad and disturb look on is face. Leela heard Fry. She was familiar with that type of reaction.

- (Leela’s mind) – I did it again. I’m sorry Fry. As soon as we land, I will take the time to hear what you wanted to tell me. But now I have to land that ship. 

Fry was playing with his fingers. The ship was shaking a lot. He looks at Leela, she seems in control of the situation but with her, you never know until it’s too late.

- (Leela) - What the… There’s a lot of turbulence. I hope that it is calmer on the surface.

- (Fry) - Need any help?

- (Leela) - Yes, could you keep an eye on the energy flux gauge? Just to be sure we don’t run into a neutron cloud.

- (Fry) -Yes captain!

- (Fry’s mind) - Here we go again. Yet another suicide delivery mission… Why do we always get those types of deliveries anyway…?

(Fry’s flashback)
Jan 12, 3004 New New York, Planet Express Building, meeting room

- (Hermes) - So after researching on the matter, I concluded that the only way to save on maintenance cost was to cut on some other expense. I decided to cut the salary of Dr. Zoidberg.

- (Zoidberg) - Awwwww! Why me? What did I do to you my friend?

- (Hermes) - Well fist you came to Earth, second you started working here, third you…

Hermes was cut off by the sound of a door closing.

- (Professor) - Good news everyone! I…

- (Leela) - Professor?!? How can you be there… and there?

Leela was pointing at the professor by the door and at the professor in is seat.

- (Professor) - Oh that… It’s just a holographic image of me that I created a while ago. I must have left it on.

- (Fry) - What is it for?

- (Professor) - I used it during the time I used to work at Mom’s Friendly Robot Comp. That way I was able to receive over-time pay without actually working late. Those were the days…

- (Zoidberg) - But why did you turn it on on the first place?

- (Professor) - Turn what on? Btw that remind me, you have an urgent delivery today.

- (Leela) - To where?

- (Professor) - Oh it’s just a simple delivery to Trilack 4.

- (Hermes) - Trilack 4! But that is…

- (Professor) - Yes, the dark planet of doom! But don’t worry, they say it’s quite nice this time of year. You should find it quite… Oh my! Looks like I left my Holographic me on.

- (Fry) - Wait a sec. Professor? When you say the dark planet of doom, you mean…

Amy burst in the room holding one of Bender’s arms.

- (Amy) - Professor, Leela, Fry… Bender has been turned off by the Robot Mafia!

- (Fry&Leela) - What?!?

- (Professor) - Sweet zombie Jesus!

- (Zoidberg) - No! Not my best friend the “robut”!

- (Hermes) - By the ghost of Bob Marley!

A violent hit on the side of the ship send Fry fling thru the air. Red light were flashing, the emergency alarm was ringing. Leela was struggling to keep control of the ship.

- (Fry) - What was that?

- (Leela) - I don’t know! Something hit us hard. Fry check the damage read out and tell me if everything is ok.

- (Fry) - Ok… Leela… Looks like we have a hull breach in the engine room and we are down to 77% engine power. No scratch that we are now at 64% engine power. No now it’s 58%... Wait now it’s 51%...

- (Leela) - Shut up Fry, I get the idea. Let’s just hope we can land safely and repair the ship so we can return home.

The light were dimming, the sound of bending metal was intolerable. Through the front window, all they saw was the ground coming at them.

- (Leela) - Philip… I love you. Please hold on tight.

The sound of is first name made Fry’s heart skip a beat. Leela never call him by his first name unless she wants to make a point. He straps himself in his seat and looks at her. Her face was white like snow; a small drop of blood was running on her lips, she must have bitten them during the hit. She turns her head his way and he saw tears on her cheeks.

- (Fry) - Leela, I love you too! I…

The ship crashes on the ground hard. Luckily, the soft and muddy surface of the land made the ship slide and it stop half a mile away from the impact zone.

A few minutes later...

- (Leela) - Fry please wake up. Are you okay?

Fry opens his eyes. He saw an angel of light in front of him.

- (Fry) - Am I dead? Are you an angel?

- (Leela) - What! Wake up you dummy we made it.

- (Fry) - Leela!?! You’re ok. So I was right, I really saw an angel in the light.

She turns around and saw the light of the rising sun.

- (Leela) - Hum cute! (She gives him a long kiss) Now help me check the damage on the ship.

- (Fry) - Yes captain.


In a dark and gloomy cave, deep inside the dark planet, a shadowy figure is setting up a communication device.

- (Deep voice) - Yes?

- (Old voice) - They are here my Lord.

- (Deep voice) - Good. Did you disable their ship?

- (Old voice) - Yes my Lord. Their engine where disable and they crash landed on our dark planet.

- (Deep voice) – Excellent! You may continue with the operation.

- (Old voice) - Has you wish my Lord.

- (Deep voice) - Soon… Soon you will regret ever trying to stop us Mr. Philip J. Fry.

One hour later on the Planet Express Ship.

- (Leela) - Well, that’s not looking good.

- (Fry) - Are we bone?

- (Leela) – Well… Not really. I can fix the hull easily but the central command panel that was hit in the storm is toast. It will take at least 3 to 4 hours to fix it. Thank God, the main drive is okay. Only the Professor and Cubert can fix that part.

- (Fry) – You’re the captain Leela. Just tell me what to do to help you out.

- (L) - Actually, I would like to know about that nightmare you had.

- (F) - Really? But I thought you did not want me to bother you with it.

- (L) - Fry, I know I was a little rude earlier. But those nightmares seem to trouble you a lot. So tell me all about it.

- (F) - Okay. Well you see there was this…

Fry told her everything about his dream. About the blood, the shadowy figures and the screams. He told her about the dream he had while walking to the bridge. He told her that he never had nightmare that look so reel before.
- (Fry) - …and that’s about it Leela.

Nibbler did not miss anything of that conversation. Hiding in a corner, he begins to worry for the “ONE”.

- (Leela) - Okay… Fry, I don’t think that those were nightmares. I think you had some sort of visions.

- (Fry) - Cool! So maybe I got some super powers like those X-Dudes or that human-spider guy or…

- (Leela) - Ok Fry that enough. Lots of peoples have visions now. But since were not sure what you’re experiencing, once we return home, you’ll go see a doctor.

- (F) - Okay Leela, I’ll go see a doctor.

- (L) - A real doctor Fry; I don’t want you to see Zoidberg again.

- (F) - Don’t worry Leela; I don’t want to be cut in pieces again.

2 hours later

- (Leela) - Well it went faster that I expected. Were back at 92% engine power witch is acceptable.

- (Fry) - Hey, I was there to help. That’s why it went so fast.

- (Leela) - Yeah! Yeah! Come on Fry, we have a delivery to make.

- (Fry) - Oh yeah the delivery. I forgot about it.

- (L) - Fry are you sure you’re ok to do the delivery.

- (F) - Leela please, I think I can manage this simple “little” package by myself.

Fry use the electromagnet to lift the “little 500lbs” package on the hover dolly.

- (L) - Look just to be sure, I’ll go with you.

- (F) - Gee thanks Leela but no thanks. I’m the delivery boy. I’m responsible for the delivery.

- (L) - Ok then, I’m the captain. I’m responsible for my crew safety. So I’m coming.

- (Leela’s mind) - Better take this just in case. (She put her mini laser gun in her boot.)

- (Leela) - Now come on Fry, hurry up before the sun set.

- (Fry) - Ok, ok. Gees Leela cut the captain crap will ya…

Their voices got lost in the wind. Nibbler was watching them from the front window, pushing the package away.

- (Lord Nibbler) - Now it is confirmed. The chosen ONE is starting to have his own visions of the future. I must contact the elders. Time has come for him to prove is worth again.

I am now working on part 4 (will be a dark part)
Please leave me feedback if you read my fic.

Bye for now.

Edit: I changed some words and also did a small rewrite, did some editing and corrected some spelling and grammar mistakes.

Delivery Boy
« Reply #20 on: 02-26-2005 15:44 »

Grettings Nic i read part three and t was very good i must to me you your story is a lot better than mine. i'am glad that you are reading my fic and i can't to hear what you think and by the way i have my own thrad if whant to post your comments  about my fic and if any answers on how i can post my fic here.

Starship Captain
« Reply #21 on: 03-03-2005 17:28 »
« Last Edit on: 03-04-2005 00:00 »

 Thank you for your reply Jubei.    :)

I am still working on part 4.
I have a lot of thing to do and don’t have a lot of time to write. I hope that it will be finish before next Friday.   :hmpf:

Okay now I am a little depress. It has been a week and I did not get a single (except Jubei) reply.    :cry: I know that most of us have live outside Futurama and PEEL but still... I thought that my fic was good enough for you guys, but it seam that it's not the case. I will still finish part 4 and post it here next week but I hope to get at lest a simple reply by all of you who read my fic. It just takes 1 min to tell me if you liked the part or not. The more reply I get, the more motivation I have.

Any way, I have to go back to work now.


Delivery Boy
« Reply #22 on: 03-03-2005 19:34 »

Grettings nic buckup hero you should be happy that you have at least one person who tak's time to read your fic and give you feedback at the end of every chapter. i can't wait to hear from you about what you think of my story also do whant to help me wright the reast of my fic and maybe even the sequl that i'am planing if so pleas post on fry's destiny wich is the name of my thread. your fellow futurama fan jubei

Starship Captain
« Reply #23 on: 03-11-2005 17:49 »
« Last Edit on: 05-29-2005 00:00 »

Okay I am back.

What a surprise, 1 reply and its Jubei.
The ONLY loyal fan of my fic so far.
Btw Jubei I did left you a reply for your story and no sorry I don't think that I could help you out with your fic because I just don't have the time to write mine anymore.     :(

So here it is, Part 4 of my fic.
This will be the last part of it for now cus I just don’t have the time or the motivation to continue it now. I will continue it maybe later this spring.

Part IV

Jan 15 3004, Planet Trylack 4

Fry slips for the second time and plunge face first in the mud.

- (Fry spiting the mud out) - Leela? Why do we always have to do those types of delivery missions?

- (Leela) - Well according to Hermes, we accept every deliveries that Mom’s friendly delivery corp. don’t take.

- (Fry) - Really? And all this time I thought that we had those missions because we were the best.

- (Leela) - Well if we return safe from those missions all the time, that’s mean that we’re the best.

- (F) -What? Wait… You mean??? Great, now I have a headache.

- (L) - Sigh! Fry, just concentrate on pushing the hover dolly. We must be close now.

They notice something resembling a road sign.

- (Leela) - According to this, we have to turn left to find our customer.

- (Fry) - How far is it?   

- (Leela) - Not far, we should see the village soon.

They were walking down the pathway when they came across a very old archway over the path. A sign was barley hanging under it.

- (Leela reading the sign) - “Welcome to Never Green Village. The place where your worries disappear for ever.” Look nice…

- (Fry) - Well they are right about “Never Green”, its brown and gray everywhere.

They walk through the village to their destination.

- (Fry) - Looks like they all live in cave carve in the face of that mountain… Leela, I don’t know why, but this place seems familiar.

- (Leela) - Really? Were could you have see a place like this before?

- (Fry) – I’m not quite sure. Never the less, I have a bad feeling about this. Let’s hurry up.

They walk on the main path of the village, checking for the address of the delivery drop off.

- (Leela) - …66… 68! That’s it! This is the place.

- (Fry) - Looks like no one as live here for a long time now.

- (Leela) - Hello? Planet Express delivery! Fry, maybe we need to go inside?

They open the rusty gate and enter in the dark cave.

- (Leela) - You see Fry, someone must be living here. There’s light down there.

Leela was pointing deep in the cave. Fry took a step back.

- (Fry scared) - I’m not sure Leela. This place is gloomy! I have the feeling that someone or something is watching us since we entered the village. Can’t we just leave the package here and leave this… haaaa!!!

Fry trips on something and fall.

- (Leela) - Are you okay?

- (Fry) - Yeah, I think so. What was that anyway?

Leela turns on the light of her wrist thingy and point it on the ground.

- (Leela) - Looks like a bunch of bone. They seem animal in nature but these look like…

They hear whispers coming from the back of the cave.

- (Fry) - Leela, let’s go! I don’t want to stay here.

- (Leela) - I think you’re right. Let’s leave this place. I’m starting to have a bad feeling about it too.

- (Old voice) - Ha! Welcome to you my dear friends. Is this my package?

Fry and Leela turn around and see a giant bat like creature in front of them.

- (Old Bat) - Don’t be afraid my friends. Now like I said, is this my package?

- (Leela) - Well yeah! I’m Leela, Captain of the Planet Express delivery ship and this is Fry. He’s our delivery boy.

Fry freeze up in place. He saw that kind of creature before. He was not sure where. Maybe in the… Leela give him an elbow hit in is side.

- (Fry) - Owww! Oh! Sorry about that sir. Here’s your package.

- (Old Bat) - It’s about time. Did you know how many deliveries company I had to call to have this delivered here?

- (Leela) – Now you know! Next times just call Planet Express, the happy go around delivery guys. Now just sign here and here please. (She gives him a pen and the delivery papers.) Thank you, this is your copy.

- (Fry) - And here you go. (Fry puts the crate down.) This is yours now.

Leela and Fry left the cave and heads back toward the ship. The sun was already setting over the horizon and rain begins to fell.

- (Fry) - Awww crud! Talk about a terrible day, first you… uh we crashed the ship, then we had to walk in the mud all the way to that place and now that sun is almost down and it’s raining. That’s a lousy planet.

- (Leela) - Chill out dear! All went well, now all we have to do is get back in the ship, make the 2 days trip back home and after that… 2 weeks of vacation together. I already reserved our ski pass and…

- (F) - Uh Leela, when we get back, I just want to check on Bender before we leave for our trip. You know just to be sure he’s okay.

- (L) - Of course. But remember, we are leaving together on this trip. This is a couple vacations okay?

- (F) - Sure Leela! Just you and me! Together… In a small private country cottage! In the middle of the wood!

- (L) - Fry, I don’t really like that look on your face…


- (Old Bat voice) - They just left my lord.

- (Deep voice) – Excellent! Send your “team” to intercept them.

- (Old Bat voice) - They are already on their way sir.

- (Deep voice) - Don’t fail me or you and the rest of your kind will suffer the same fate that we reserve for the human race.

- (Old Bat voice) - Yes my lord, we will not fail you.


Fry and Leela pass under the archway again and walk toward the ship. Fry begin to slow down.

- (Leela) - What’s wrong Fry? You look worried?

- (Fry) - I don’t know. I have that feeling again, like we are being watch by something. I’m sure that I saw something move in that death tree over there.

- (Leela looking around) – You’re imagining thing Fry. There's no one here beside us. Just relax, were almost at the ship and… what the…

Leela fall in the mud holding her left leg.

- (Fry) - What’s wrong Leela?

- (Leela) - I don’t know, my leg is numb, I can’t make it move.

Silently, a group of shadows pass over them.

- (Fry) - What in hell was that? Wait they look like that bat thing we delivered the crate to.

Leela pull out a small dart from her leg.

- (Leela worried) - Fry! They shot me with something. (Fry turns around) We better run to the ship and fast.

Fry helps her on her feet and put her on the hover dolly. He starts to push it as fast as he can but was stop by someone hand.

- (Leela) - Watch out Fry! Behind…

- (Fry) - What the…

Fry got hit in the face by a giant fist. Leela takes out her mini laser gun and shoot the beast in the face.

- (Leela) - Got you bastard!

The dead beast collapses beside Fry.

- (Leela) - Fry? Fry! Philip?!? Are you okay?

She couldn’t wait for his answer, five other creatures ran in her direction. She aims her gun and fires. She hit one in the face again and one in the chest. The three others keep running at her and they kick the gun away from her. Leela manage to hit one in the face using her fists. The creature was k.o. and drops on his back. Since her leg was still paralyzed by the dart, she couldn’t evade the attack of the two other aliens. They punch, claw and kick her around. She couldn’t defend herself anymore. They savagely overcome her. She felt her right arm snap and saw blood fly out of her nose every time they hit her in the face. The taste of blood in her mouth was terrible but was keeping her awake. They keep hitting and kicking her around, parts of her uniform as been torn off during their savage beating and she could feel the cold mud and rain on her broken body. One solid punch made her land beside Fry. He was being held up by one of them.

- (Leela Crying and in pain) - Fryyyyy!!! Help me!!!

A solid kick to the face made her fly in the other direction.

Fry opens is eyes. What he saw almost made him have a heart attack.

- (Fry) – No! It can’t be… It’s happening…

- (Leela weak) - Philip… Help me… No!!! Stop hitting me you bast… Please Fry help!!!

Fry had to do something. There was no escape this time, he would not wake up from this nightmare. He had to save is love or die trying.

So I hope that you like that part or the entire story so far.     :)
Please leave some feedback if you read my fic.

Thank you all.
Bye for now.

Edit: Small rewrite, did some editing and corrected some spelling and grammar mistakes.

Delivery Boy
« Reply #24 on: 03-11-2005 19:27 »

grettings Nic I read your fic and it was really exellent so pleas don't stop because i whant to know what happens and when you do have time could you reconcider helping me wright my fic because i asked layla if she whanted to but i don't think that will ever happen so if you do i will be indedted to you very much because at least some one was intereasted in helping me. sincerly jubei

Starship Captain
« Reply #25 on: 03-22-2005 21:12 »

Well this sure fell fast to the second page.
Anyway, I am now starting to write part 5 of this story. It should be up in maybe 2 weeks.

Bye for now.

Starship Captain
« Reply #26 on: 04-14-2005 18:38 »

Ok...  :hmpf:

1- Sorry about the double posting.  :(

2- I anyone still interested in my story?   :confused:

Part 5 is complete (on paper); I just have to type it here. But I want to know if anyone is still interested in reading my fic. I so please reply to me. Like I said, Part 5 is complete and I all ready started on part 6.

So do I continue or not???  :confused:

Delivery Boy
« Reply #27 on: 04-14-2005 20:43 »

Greattings Nic to answer both of your question's yes i'am still interested in your story and yes you should continue. also if you have any idea's for the reast of my first fic and for my sconed fic chronicles of the quiet one and if so let me know viea e-mail my adress is dustin85@sbcglobal.net or you can post your idea's on my thread. later day's

Starship Captain
« Reply #28 on: 04-20-2005 17:39 »

Sorry I haven't been replying I've been sick for a couple days and just got around to reading everybodys updates. Anway, I'm still interested in your story. Your last two chapters were very good. Keep it up!

Starship Captain
« Reply #29 on: 04-23-2005 14:16 »
« Last Edit on: 05-29-2005 00:00 »

Hi I am back.      :)
I got a surprise for all of you. (Well for the few of you who are following this story     :D )

But first:

Philp_J_Fry: Hey that's ok. At lest you did reply (not like a few I know that don't reply to my story     :( ) I hope that you are feeling better now.

Jubei: Thank you for your support. Like I said before, I just don't have the time Jubei, It takes me forever to write my own fic but I can give you a small idea. (1- Try to keep your character in well in character.     :hmpf:  2- If you want to write a story that have nothing to do with the Futurama story line but want to use the Futurama character. Well you can always make them use the what-if-machine. That about all I can tell you. It's your story after all. It most come from you.     ;)

Also, I would like to thank Layla50 for her support (When will you reply to this Layla???) and also Venus (who told me that this was acceptable     :p ) Oh yeah, I almost forgot Shiny who did read at least the first part of the story. (I hope she will continue to read it.)

Ok now I have to shut up and give you: Part 5 of my fic. Enjoy
Part V

Jan 15, 3004 / Planet Trylack 4, Planet Express ship

- (Male Nibblonian voice) - So it is confirm then? The chosen one has is own vision now?

- (Lord Nibbler) – Yes Highly one! The one is starting to have visions. He still doesn’t understand them and they are troubling him.

- (Female Nibblonian voice) – Remember Lord Nibbler that he’s vulnerable in this stage of his life. A strong shock could render him more powerful or could destroy him.

- (Male) – What was this vision about?

- (Lord Nibbler) – He saw the “other” being attacked by some type of aliens creatures. If is description was accurate, his vision may happen here on Trilack 4.

- (M & F) – WHAT!?!

- (Female) – If indeed what he foresaw may happen now, you must help him out! If the “other” is to be harm or kill, the one could no longer be of any use to us!

- (Male) – Remember Lord Nibbler, the Prophesy tell us that the “one” and the “other” must work together to bring balance and peace to the galaxy.

- (Lord Nibbler) – I have faith in the one. As long that the “one” and the “other” stay together, everything will be fine.

During this time

Leela’s vision was now blurry. The last thing she saw was Fry’s face. He was looking strait into her eye. She heard him scream her name. But all of that was not important now; her descend in the pit of pain is almost over. She could feel it, soon, very soon all of this would not matter anymore. She only had one regrets: Fry… All those years that I push you back… If only I could say you just one word before leaving… Sorry…

Fry was force to watch the two bat creatures hitting and kicking Leela around. Her beautiful body was covered in blood and mud. One of them grabbed her by the hair and tossed her in the air. She was looking like a rag doll when she hit the ground violently. Fry could see that she was still breathing when she spited some mud out.  He tried to free his self from the giant old bat again but the beast would not let him go.

- (Fry screaming) – STOP IT! Stop hitting her or I’ll… 

- (Old bat) – You’ll do what? You’ll do nothing because you are nothing just like her. You can’t do anything to stop us. Our master wants her out of the way and wants to destroy you. You’re the only one in the universe that was able to defeat him so far. Once we finish your female friend over there, we’ll take you to him. 

Then it happened. Fry turned is head around and saw the two other beasts coming his way, one was dragging Leela by one of her legs. She appeared to be dead. Her body was covered by bruises and claw marks. Her eye was close and she had blood allover her face. Most of her clothes were gone too. The two beasts were laughing when they throw her at is feet. Then, deep inside Fry’s mind, something broke. His body went into shocks. The giant bat let him fall on the ground. Fry took his head in his hands and started to scream and cry so loud that the alien bats had to block their ears. Fry looked to what was left of is love. She was not moving, she was lying on her side and… He saw it. It was there, sticking out of the mud. Without hesitation, he jumped for it. The 3 beasts were still shaking their heads, trying to relieve them from the pain that this human scream cause to their ears. Fry rolled on is side and aimed Leela’s gun at the two bastards that beat her to death. He fired 6 shot and got them 2 times each.

- (Fry screaming and crying) – That’s for beating the love of my life.

He shot them again but this time, he got them both in the head. He hears the old one move and turns to face him.

- (Fry still screaming) – Don’t move you bastard! 

In the distance, Nibbler was watching in horror to what just happened. He is too late to help. He now knows that everything will never be the same again. How could he tell the elders what happened? How will the “one” be able to…? His eyes opens wide, did he really see that. Leela moves and cough some bloody mud out. Fry, still aiming at the alien, kneel down beside her to wipe the blood off her face.

- (Fry to himself) - Thank god… (Out loud) – You’re lucky that she’s still alive.

The beast tries to make a move but Fry shots him in a wing. The alien takes a few steps back.

- (Fry) – Now, you’ll tell me why you attacked us like that.

- (Old bat) – It’s nothing personnel. We were told to get rid of her and capture you or they would destroy us. They said that you defeated them before and now they want to eliminate you so they can continue to destroy the universe.

In the distance, Lord Nibbler was struck hard by what he heard. He now knows what’s going on. He has to tell the “one”.

- (Fry) – Shut up!!! I don’t know what you are talking about but you’ll still pay for what you and your friends did to my Leela.

He was about to shoot when…

- (Lord Nibbler) – STOP FRY!!!

Fry’s shot miss the giant bat. The beast runs away. Fry fires several shot but only manage to hit him in the arm. He turns around and sees the one that Leela knock out fly away. He looks down at Leela, drop the gun and fall on is knees. He starts to cry. He takes Leela in his arms and stands there in the rain and mud rocking back and forth with Leela cold body in his arms.

- (Fry crying) – LEELA!! Leela!! Please come back to me. Please wake up! Just wake up Leela. Please Leela, don’t leave me. I don’t know how I’ll be able to continue to live in this world without you. Don’t do this to me Leela please, fight, you are strong, you have to come back.

Nibbler is standing beside Fry. He was really sorry for him. He uses a small scanner to check on Leela’s condition. It was not looking good. Her life is slipping away. Even Fry’s tight hold on her could not stop it. He has to act fast or she would die.

- (Lord Nibbler) – Fry! You have to get yourself back together.

Fry stop and looks in a weird way at Nibbler.

- (Fry) – You… You can talk? But… Wait a minute. You…

- (Lord Nibbler) – Now is not the time for this. You have to carry her to the ship fast. I’ll answer all your questions later.

Fry hesitated at first but he felt Leela move in his arms and decided to do what the little fur ball told him to do. He carefully put her on the dolly and runs back to the ship.

- (Fry) – Don’t worry Leela, everything will be all right. I hope.

Back at the ship.

- (Lord Nibbler) – Get her to her room, I’ll take care of her while you take the ship into orbit.

- (Fry) – Okay!

Fry lay Leela on her bed and put his red coat on her to keep her warm.

- (Nibbler) – Here takes those coordinates and programs them in the autopilot. Once in space, leave the ship fly there and come back to help me out with Leela.

Fry takes the note pad, gives a small kiss on Leela’s forehead and run to the bridge. On his way he tries not to think about Leela and the weird memories that are popping up in his head. He has a job to do and he would not let anything stop him this time.


- (Deep voice) – You have failed me.

- (Old Bat weak) – But my lord, she was almost dead when I had to leave. I’m sure that she wont make it back to Earth alive.

- (Angry deep voice) – You fool. They have allies all over the galaxy…

- (Old bat weaker) – But my lord…

- (Deep voice) – You have failed us…

Soon after

The Planet Express ship is leaving the Trilack 4 sys as fast as his damages engine could push it. Fry was done with the autopilot programming and runs back to the captain bedroom. He didn’t see the explosion far in the distance when he passes by the side porthole. Trilack 4 was no more.

So was it good? I had to rewrite that part 5 times for it to make sense and to be not too dark. Part 6 is already on its way (Expect it in maybe a week or more). And also I have a small one Shot Fic coming up soon. (In my small one shot fanfic topic)

Bye for now.
(Edit: I don't know why but I was not able to post this the first time. I always got disconnected from the server. I hope every thing will be all right)

Edit: Small rewrite, did some editing and corrected some spelling and grammar mistakes.

Bending Unit
« Reply #30 on: 04-24-2005 05:42 »

Now that was nice... (or maybe nice isn't a good word - great, fun to read... chose something yourself... I'm not good at words  :D). The plot is interesting and the only thing that is a minor flaw are language mistakes (small ones though  :D )... So keep writing...

Starship Captain
« Reply #31 on: 04-27-2005 16:11 »

Thank you for your reply Swidzi.  :)  I am glad that you like it. About the language mistake, I am trying very hard to correct those. I think that I’m getting better but sometime it’s not easy to get rid of some old habit (Like being a French Canadian for example  :p )<-- that was a joke of course, I am glad to be who I am. Don’t worry I have decided to continue this story to the end.

And for all of you who are following this story, I wrote a part for it that will not be posted here. It’s Part 0. If you want to read it, you will find it here:

 Also you can checkout the 2 others small fic I wrote there.

Part 6 will be up soon.  :)

Bye for now.

Delivery Boy
« Reply #32 on: 04-28-2005 19:58 »
« Last Edit on: 04-30-2005 00:00 »

I enjoy this story so far.

I would definately like to see more of it.

NIC, what would you think if I offered to help edit a bit, for english?  Im not saying that I am perfect, but perhaps I could help a bit with some grammar things that are difficult for translating into English.  I dont really have a lot of time right now, but schools over on the 3rd, and I would be happy to help out a bit.

To clarify, I mean no offense by this offer.  Your english is far better than my french, so as second languages go, you've got me beat by a mile, but I figured I'd offer.

Starship Captain
« Reply #33 on: 04-28-2005 20:32 »
« Last Edit on: 04-28-2005 20:32 »

Thanks a lot for the reply Jacoby.    :)

I appreciate the offer but I think it would be better if someone could just point some of my mistakes to me. Or if someone could give me a link to a good spell check and grammar check on the web. (Words is great for spell checking but sucks on grammar)

Finally I must say that I only translated part 1&2 of this story. All the rest, I wrote them in English. (I only have a bunch of notes in French of those parts.) That's why I think that I am getting better but maybe I'm not.    :hmpf:

Anyway, I must leave now.

Bye for now. 

Delivery Boy
« Reply #34 on: 04-30-2005 18:12 »
« Last Edit on: 05-02-2005 00:00 »

Well this ended up being a lot longer than I had intended.  I hope its helpful, english is can be a confusing language.

Looks like the main thing you need to work on is past tense.  I'm just looking through the most recent part for examples. 
you have:
So it is confirm then?
So, it is confirmed then?
This one is sort of tricky.  Confirm is an action verb.  Unless they are doing the confiming right then, or are being told to confirm something (eg. "Please confirm the data." ) it will be past tense.

you have:
He saw the other being attack by some type of aliens creatures.
He saw the other being attacked by some type of aliens creatures.
Since you use saw (a past tense of see) things that happned need to also be past tense, so rather than 'attack', use 'attacked'

It seems like you do get it right about half the time.

Another issue I see might be a spell check thing.
you have:
The one is starting to have is own vision.
The one is starting to have his own vision.
I actually see this a few times in the story.  You use is instead of his.  If you are trying to make it like an accent, as though the character just isnt pronouncing the "h" then you should writine it 'is the appostrophe is used to represent the missing letter.

you have:
I have fate in the one.
I have faith in the one.
Fate is similar to destiny, faith is a belief in something.

One more thing that I see, not that I see it as a consistant problem for you, but it is a common mistake that you made in an uncommon way.

Often people use "your" (meaning belonging to you) in place of "you're" (short for you are) because they sound the same.

you do quite the reverse:
I will answer all you’re questions later.
I will answer all your questions later.
You don't want to say 'answer all you are questions.' You are refering to questions belonging to the subect of the sentence, "you".  So its questions that belong to you, belong to you is your.

And I guess I have to follow that with a similar set of words.  Again, you usage is pretty much correct, except for one or two mistakes, but this set confuses a lot of people so its worth mentioning.

their - belonging to them
there - a word with many uses, indicating a place or position.
e.g. My new Honda Jazz is over there. There is a cat sat on its roof.
they're - means they are

you have:
There voices got lost in the wind.
Their voices got lost in the wind.
The voices belong to them, so its 'their voices'

you have:
The 3 beast were still shaking there head.
The 3 beasts were still shaking their heads
This one actually has two problems.  Since there are multiple beasts (3) beast and head should be plural, and since the heads belong to them, its 'their heads'

edited for clarity and looks

Starship Captain
« Reply #35 on: 05-02-2005 11:24 »

Wow!!!  :eek:   :eek:   :eek:

 My jaw actually hit the desk when I read that this morning.

The fact that you did take some of your time to do this really amazes me.

All I can say is thanks a lot Jacoby.

I am happy to see that most of my mistakes are easy to fix and to understand.
Also, I was sure that I had problem with my verbs terms. (Ex in French we have over 20 verbs terms and in English I think that you have a lot less) You see, the biggest mistake someone like me can do when he write in another language is thinking in is main language. It always ends up wrong. I find it easier to write in English when I think in English. When I do it that way, I do less mistakes. Also I think it helps to say the phrase out loud to hear the sound the words do.

I am really happy that you took some time to show me the type of mistakes I do when I write. Thank you very much. I will try to correct all of them in my previous parts and in the following parts of my fic.

Thank you again.

P.s. If you like this story so far, checks out Part 0 of it in my other Fanfic Topic. The link is in one of my previous post up there. Oh yeah, Part 6 coming this weekend. I hope.  :hmpf:

Bye for now.


Delivery Boy
« Reply #36 on: 05-02-2005 13:51 »

Fixed up my other post to make it looks better and, I think, read better.

I was thinking, if you have any questions about words you are unsure of let me know.  Also, would it help if I picked out a few sentences with mistakes and let you fix them?  Heh, grammar tests in the internet.  That seems really irronic.

« Reply #37 on: 05-02-2005 15:19 »

NIC2001!!! The best fan fiction I have read!!!! Although the spelling mistakes make it a bit hard to read it was fantastic. Cant wait for the next part!!! Nibbler is the best character in the whole thing!!!!

Starship Captain
« Reply #38 on: 05-02-2005 16:05 »
« Last Edit on: 05-02-2005 16:05 »

Thanks Neavers. If you like it so far, just waits for the rest. You won’t believe your eyes. (I hope)

Sorry about the spelling mistakes. I am in the process of correcting most of them. (May take a while) Be sure to check out Part 0 of this fanfic in my other fanfic topic. (The link is up there somewhere)

edit: Hey Jacoby! I just purchase a book on the net (Amazon) to help me out with my fanfic writing. (It will take 7 days before it arrive thou.) So I will be able to correct most of my mistakes myself. Thank you again for your offer.

Delivery Boy
« Reply #39 on: 05-02-2005 19:14 »

Greatings Nic just thought that I would say can't wait for more of your storie's and also to let you now that i have started wrighting on the sequel. oh and one more thing when you asked me to make it a what if scenario it is i just didn't bother with with having him ask so when i get through wrighting the hole thing tell me what you think as  soon as you get through  reading it ether by e-mail or by posting on my thread. later day's
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