My second fic, please review

[on:]

This is my newest fanfic, called 'Flowers In The Window' and is a drama story. I tried really hard to make it as good as i could so i hope you like it, but what i really need is some critisism so i can make my next one better. If you would please take the time to read it and write a few words saying what you did and didn't like i would really appreciate it, thanks.

Also, lots of thanks to PaulFSAC for hosting my fic on his site. you can click here to read it  http://www.scanartcentral.net/fanfics/ns_fitw01.shtml

[Reply #1 on:]

Is there another part?

[Reply #2 on:]

there will be shortly

[Reply #3 on:]

nice, i'm now a bending unit, hoorah!

[Reply #4 on:]

Okay, I'm looking forward to the ending.

Good work on the first part.  Once again I must reiterate my dislike for the 3PO P.O.V., but it seems to work very well with your story.  I appreciate the brilliant use of imagery, which is frequently lacking in scripts and other 3POb stories.

I'll save the rest until the other shoe drops.

[Reply #5 on:]

Okay, first of all, I liked the first part. Doing it in a parter tells people there's hope and you just spent this one painting a picture of no hope. The only way you'll pull off her living is through some sort of twist. I like twists. They blow away everything you thought you knew about it. Kinda like the IM II Anyway write some more please

[Reply #6 on:]

it's a lovely sad story. I like it. well done   

[Reply #7 on:]

such a lovely story. i love it! Its not crap! Its the opposite of crap, in fact its anti-crap! Feel proud!
           

[Reply #8 on:]

Steve I love it,

But if you kill her then I'll kill you SLOWLY!

 

[Reply #9 on:]

Hmmmmmm AntiCrap, does that explode when it meets crap?

[Reply #10 on:]

Really sappy... in a good way, of course! I can't wait for part 2....

[Reply #11 on:]

 

Originally posted by AstroZombie:
Hmmmmmm AntiCrap, does that explode when it meets crap?

Yes. Quite spectacularly in fact.

[Reply #12 on:]

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!, where can I get some! 

[Reply #13 on:]

Isle 6 at local Walmarts everywhere

[Reply #14 on:]

 

Originally posted by AstroZombie:
Steve I love it,

But if you kill her then I'll kill you SLOWLY!

 

He'll do it! He's Crazy! 

[Reply #15 on:]

Walmart! Damn we don't have Walmart in the UK. Buggerit!

I want Anti-Crap!!,

And I don't care how I get it!,

:: books the next available flight to the former Soviet Union,

Lets see if the Russian Military can sell me any,

I can see the headlines now,

"Mad Scotsman Kills Bin Laden with AntiCrap bomb"

Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

[Reply #16 on:]

if you can't find a walmart, try Ebay. theres nothing you can't get on Ebay

[Reply #17 on:]

 

Originally posted by Venus:
if you can't find a walmart, try Ebay. theres nothing you can't get on Ebay

are they paying you to say that, venus??  nice story,nasteve, keep it up.

 

[Reply #18 on:]

NO! they are not paying me!  :: quickly stuffs money under bed :: you can't prove a dang thing!

[Reply #19 on:]

Thanks everyone who has taken the time to read my fic so far
The second part will be along shortly

[Reply #20 on:]

How short is shortly? I wanna read it now! im all about instant gradification. 

[Reply #21 on:]

 

Originally posted by Venus:
How short is shortly? I wanna read it now! im all about instant gradification.   

patience, my child....

 

[Reply #22 on:]

Damn it!, Ebays out of Anti-crap, and the Russians didn't have any, I got a good prive for a Kalashnikov and a T62 tank, the ICBMs were a bit pricey though, so I'll only use them on special occasions 

[Reply #23 on:]

::cries::  come on Nasteve i'm dying over here! We want more!

[Reply #24 on:]

sorry m8, i promised myself i'd have the whole thing finished in a week, but that was 5 weeks ago, life's just been really busy lately and writing has been way down my list of priorities. But your interest has given me renewed motivation so i'm gonna make an effort to finish it soon now    . Who knows maybe it'll be done in a week   

[Reply #25 on:]

see that it is or i will kick you in the shin.

[Reply #26 on:]

I could take you, ask anyone. I'm hard as nails.

 

You don't scare me...

[Reply #27 on:]

Come on. We take it outside. 

[Reply #28 on:]

Part2 is now available to read at Scanartcentral  http://www.scanartcentral.net/fanfics/ns_fitw02.shtml  thanks again to Paul for hosting.

I hope you all like the conclusion but once again I ask please for critical reviews, so that I can improve my writing. All opinions are welcome and all constructive critisism is appreciated. Thanks 

[Reply #29 on:]

I think it was good, but I had one problem: The ending. Way too deus ex machina. The parasite just dies for no reason? And what was the deal with the planet? I thought you intended it to be her homeworld, but in the end, that whole thread went nowhere.

So, in conclusion, I give it a B. I won't destroy your planet, but I won't give you the secret of immortality either.

[Reply #30 on:]

[max from rushmore]"deus ex machina," is that latin?[/mfr]
tee hee.

[Reply #31 on:]

   

Originally posted by Kryten:
I think it was good, but I had one problem: The ending. Way too deus ex machina. The parasite just dies for no reason? And what was the deal with the planet? I thought you intended it to be her homeworld, but in the end, that whole thread went nowhere.

So, in conclusion, I give it a B. I won't destroy your planet, but I won't give you the secret of immortality either.

dues ex machina? dunno what that is.

As for the planet, did i tell you that it was her homeworld or something? i'm pretty sure i said it was uninhabited. i think i told someone privately that it was meant to remind her of her place of birth but thats it.

And finally, as for the parasite just dieing, i anticipated a lot of people wouldn't like that, but i liked it that way. Of course it didn't die for no reason, I tried to drop a lot of stuff in the fic that would give the reader a lot of choices for them to make up their own personal reason for what killed the parasite (i think i counted four possibles) but if you didn't like/get that well then that's my fault and that's a critisism of the fic and i can use that to improve next time.

thanks for reading it and letting me know

[Reply #32 on:]

::does the happy dance:: brilliant! Bloody Brilliant!Fun for the whole family!I'm so glad you decided to finish it!

[Reply #33 on:]

Well "I'm so happy, cause your so happy"
hehe...I really do listen to Travis too much

[Reply #34 on:]

It was OK, you'll do for me, rough as you are.

[Reply #35 on:]

Good story.  My only complaint is the characters don't retain their defining traits, which is the case with most romantic Futurama fanfics, so it's really not a bad thing.  Fry suffers from this syndrome more so than the other characters.  Still, a very canonical story transcending the setting to become universally applicable.

[Reply #36 on:]

Very good story nasteve. Same complaint as Kryten though about the parasite just dying with no explaination why.

[Reply #37 on:]

I know, but i thought it was more realistic like that. After all the doctor's were surprised she survived, why not the reader? I understand now that it would have been better had I gave an explanation of some sort but I really didn't want to have someone come in at the end and say "Well its quite simple really, she survived because -insert reason here-" or something shit like that.

But like I said its a perfectly fine critisism of the fic and I'm really glad you all took the time to read it and tell me what you thought, thanks

[Reply #38 on:]

Loved the first part, but I can't seem to get to the second part on FSAC. Do you have it posted anywhere else?

- THM

[Reply #39 on:]

the whole thing is at TLZ