Uh oh, newbie fanfic!

[Reply #640 on:]

Oh, yay! Update at last! I love Bender's whole bit...ice cream soup...   
FabfabfabfabfabfabFAB!   
And a FAB TOTPD!        

[Reply #641 on:]

Eh, don't sweat the review...I'm humbled by the fact that anyone wants to comment on my incessant ramblings (which, for the sake of labeling them, I like to call "stories" ) to begin with. No need for a so-called "proper" review. Anyway, regarding the trimming of the Morris scene--yeah, it did go on a bit too long, and maybe--and this is just my opinion--some of it was a bit redundant (but it was well written redundancy). But, it's your story...do what you see fit to it. Oh yeah, and I'll congratulate N-o-r again (this time knowingly doing so) on his great contribution to a great story.

Also, controversial Fry/Leela stuff? Can you say "Woo-hoo!"? Seriously, that update can't get here fast enough. (Forget the fact that it's a Fry/Leela update...the fact that it's an update, period, is reason enough to be on pins and needles waiting).

[Reply #642 on:]

A great update Layla! I loved the whole thing but especially Morris' monologue, it was very touching     You are doing a great job with the pacing as always and your cliff-hangers are choice..

Love how you are using Amy and Hermes VS. the Zipp  I got all warm and fuzzy when the crewman mentioned Zapp's upcoming accident - he is so deserving of a nice thourough fragging!  My vote is for something VERY messy!! I might be dissapointed in how it turns out but it is fun to imagine!!! 

[Reply #643 on:]

I need to get on PEEL more often, everyone took what I wanted to say, except one thing, so I'll say that. 
 

“Yeah, yeah,” Bender muttered sulkily. “But I better get some ice cream soup out of the deal.”

Great reference to Parasites Lost and your own story (when Fry was trying to tempt Bender to break in the PE building. Of course you probably already knew that because you wrote it  ) That just makes the line all the funnier.

P.S. I'm really looking forward to the controversial Fry/Leela scene. I love shippy stuff, and to quote Eminem, "We all need a little controversy." So HUZZAH!

[Reply #644 on:]

Well, for those of you who have been waiting, here it is. Just as a warning, virtually no humour in this part. Some action though, so it's not all weepy weepy weepy. (I should probably put a Kleenex alert on this, too. but it might not be effective, I don't know.)A fairly long update for twenty four hours anyway.

Personal replies coming tommorow. (And I still owe people a bunch of emails and reviews. Sorry!)
Part 45:

   The tension was killing her, and Leela wanted to shake the rest of the story out of Fry when he fell silent. He wasn’t looking at her, however, and so missed her interest. Just as she had decided to prompt him, Fry turned and grinned sheepishly at the cyclops. “Sorry, kinda stupid, I know.”

   But Leela shook her head and looked deeply into his eyes, before whispering, “It’s not stupid.”

   Fry splashed the water idly and looked distinctly embarrassed. “I, uh, I always promised myself that I would never tell anyone about that.”

   “Why?” she asked him softly.

   “Well, I never wanted you to… think less of me.”

   Puzzled, Leela frowned at the awkwardly blushing man. “Fry, why would I think less of you? I mean, if anything, it just shows how brave you are, protecting you cousin like that when you were just a kid.”

   Fry shrugged and looked away, “Ah, she was family.” Leela smiled at him playfully, hoping to break his strange mood.

   “And all this time, I though you didn’t like your family.”

   Instead of provoking a smile or a laugh, the cyclops struck a nerve in the oddly sensitive Fry. “Hey!” he objected mildly, “I loved them, we just didn’t always hit it off, that’s all.”

   Leela frowned again in confusion, “hit what off?”

   “Never mind, it’s just an expression. What I mean is, they were good people, when it came down to it.” He smiled sadly. “I just wish I’d understood that when they were still… before I got frozen.” Wistful memories gave way to the harsh reality that he would never see any of them again in waking life.

   Again, Fry grew quiet. Leela shifted over closer to him, and he smiled briefly at her. For once, there was nothing but friendship in his eyes. A tension she hadn’t realized was there ebbed away, and she linked a comforting arm through his. Leela did not miss the flicker of surprise in his eyes, but neither did she comment on it. “So what happened?” she prodded him gently.

   “Well, I don’t remember anything else about that night, but I heard all about it afterwards.” His eyes took on a faraway look as he continued recounting his story. “Katy burst into the house looking for help, while I was outside with Uncle Alec.”
------------------------------------------

   Sobbing and shrieking in hysterics, Katy launched herself through the rickety door and her momentum sent her sprawling on the floor. Yancy Senior was on his feet in a flash.

    “Is it the nukes?” he demanded, almost eagerly as he helped her to her feet.

   “It’s dad! It’s dad!” Katy wailed, attempting to drag the heavyset man outside. The commotion brought Fry’s brother from upstairs and even brought Nancy away from the football game she’d be watching.

   “What’s going on?” Yancy Jr. asked mildly, brow furrowed.

   “No time, no time! Katy howled, “He’s gonna hurt Phil!” An angry yell reached their ears, followed by the sickening impact of metal on bone. The blood drained from Katy’s face and she swayed, horror in her eyes.

   “Phil?!” Fry’s father bellowed, and, wasting no more time, he bolted out of the door, with his wife, son and niece in hot pursuit. Racing around the house, he reached the backyard just in time to see Alec deliver a savage kick into his youngest son’s side. Without stopping to think about his actions, Yancy Sr. slammed into the man who had knocked his child unconscious.

   A parent’s desperate worry flooded him, even as he punched his enraged brother-in-law. He had only had the briefest of glimpses of his son, lying unmoving on the uneven grass. With a particularly violent blow, Yancy sent Alec to the ground. Quickly, he flipped the man onto his stomach and kneeled on his back. It would not take much for the military man to break Alec’s spine and dark temptation filled his mind. With a will, Yancy Sr. resisted.

   After what seemed like hours, the drunk passed out from a combination of injuries and alcohol. It was then, and only then, the sounds of his wife’s weeping overcame the blood rushing in his ears. Heart heavy with foreboding, Yancy Sr. turned to see Nancy trying frantically to wake Phil. His other son was as white as a sheet, supporting his trembling cousin. Someone had had the sense to turn on the back porch light.

    “Yancy! Call 9-1-1, now!” Although he was, as always, reluctant to trust the authorities, Yancy Sr. was still practical enough to realize he needed help, and fast. When the teen did not move from where he stood, staring transfixed at his little brother’s limp form, the father repeated his order. “Now!”

Torn from the immobilizing shock, Yancy staggered into the house. Katy, robbed of Yancy’s supporting arms, collapsed to the ground, shaking like a leaf, then crawled to where Philip lay. Even in the dim light, blood was clearly visible, streaming steadily from his head. So much blood.

   “How’s my boy?!” Yancy Sr. called to his wife gruffly, unwilling to risk Alec’s waking up and getting away from him. If there wasn’t vengeance, there would at least be justice for his redheaded son. ‘Why didn’t I see this coming?’ he thought grimly.

   Nancy took an instant to glance fretfully at her husband. “Breathing, and bleeding. Where are those doctors?!” Her voice grew shrill as the normally calm woman began to panic. As if in response to her cry, sirens announced the approaching help.    Fry’s mother, careful to avoid moving her son lest she cause more harm, kept pressure on the wound, but the sight of it terrified her. Clearly, his skull had been crushed and his life was in jeopardy.

As a teenager, she’d been forbidden to join a sports team, so her love of athletics had instead lead her to study sports medicine. It was as close as she could get to being on any team.  Unfortunately, that training was no match for her son’s injuries. “I’m sorry, Philip,” she moaned. “I know just enough to know there’s nothing I can do.”

Shouts and sirens intermingled in her ears and someone pushed Nancy out of the way. An angry screech erupted from her throat, before she understood that the paramedics had arrived, and not just paramedics. In his worry for his brother, Yancy Jr. had called every emergency number he could find, including poison control and the SPCA.

As police officers tried to sort out what had happened, the medical technicians stabilized Philip as best they could, then left for the hospital with all possible speed. In the confusion, Yancy Senior, along with his brother-in-law, was held for assault, assault with a deadly weapon and child battery.  After Katy and Yancy Jr. had been checked over for injuries, kindly voiced cops attempted to calm them enough to get the story out of them.

When the teens corroborated Yancy’s explanation of events, he was released to wait with his family while his youngest son’s fate was decided in an operating room.

Long after Yancy Jr. had fallen into an exhausted sleep, the shell-shocked Katy stared into space with haunted eyes.
---------------------------------------

   “I can’t imagine.” Leela whispered, squeezing Fry’s arm tight without realizing it. “To have to trust someone’s life to that ancient butcher shop… awful.” She shook her head.

   “It wasn’t that bad, Leela, I’m still here after all.” Fry smiled weakly. He was enjoying just relaxing next to the lovely cyclops. It felt like coming home. 

   Her skepticism was evident, even in that dark place. “I just can’t imagine.” A note of caution, almost timidity, entered her voice, surprising the delivery boy. “Do you, do you have a scar?”

   “Yep,” he chirped with a bit of pride. Before she asked, Fry gently picked up her hand and guided it to his head, letting her find the rough skin and uneven bones.

   “Dr. Zoidberg never said anything about this in your medical records.”

   “Yeah, well, he wasn’t exactly thorough that first physical, thank goodness. Besides, it’s Zoidberg.” He darted a thoughtful look at the cyclops.
 “What are you doing reading my medical records anyway? Aren’t they supposed to be confidential?”

   “Hey, it’s a captain’s job to know these things.” Fry couldn't help but perceive the guilt in her voice.

   “Right.” he said simply, amused. Stretching, Fry shifted his weight a bit, and slipped. With a startled yelp, he sank, scar and all, into the murky water, managing to breathe it in, in the process. Leela hauled him up again by their linked arms, but all trace of amusement had faded from Fry’s mind. Once he stopped choking, he looked uneasily at Leela. “Thanks.”

   “No problem.”

   As the threat of drowning laughed merrily in his head at his fright, Fry fought back in the only way he could think of: by forgetting it. “I was in the hospital for a long time. Coma, I guess.” A thought struck him and suddenly, he smiled. It was a brilliant smile, filled with light and joy.

“Yancy told me later that mom stayed with me the whole time, and she never watched a single game. I never knew I meant that much to her. I never knew I meant that much to any of them."
------------------------------------------
   The duty nurse had seen it a million times in a million different ways. Sometimes, it was an accident. A car goes off the road, a child falls into a pool, or some idiot tries to fix a toaster without unplugging it. Sometimes, it was illness, or a suicide attempt. A virus steals life away, or despair does. Sometimes, it was someone else. A jealous lover, an angry drug dealer, or a serial killer. Worst of all, sometimes, it was mom and dad. She had seen it all a million times, and it never failed to move her.

   The family was small. Dad, mom, and two boys. It was always worse with children. There was something twisted and wrong about a child lying near death under the silent watch of the people that had brought him into the world. This case was no different.

Rebecca went about her rounds, checking up on the little redhead without ever saying a word to the solemn family. It wasn’t her place to intrude on their grief, and besides, what could she say? Mom was always there, her face framed with the same red hair as her little boy.

In Rebecca’s mind, there was more than simple worry and grief in the mother’s devotion. No, guilt lingered there as well. Rebecca had seen that before too. Sometimes, there wasn’t enough time for the children, until you didn’t know if there would be anymore time. Sad, that.

A simple childish tune was Mom’s gift to her sleeping baby, though no doubt the boy, had he been awake, would resent being lullayed to sleep like an infant. 

   It was some days after their arrival before Rebecca heard the whispers. Even if the little redhead recovered, he would never be the same. Head injuries could often be like that, and she wasn’t surprised. Naturally, the family rejected this conclusion. Dad had gone so far as to say that his son hadn’t been too bright to begin with, so he knew his son would be okay. Mom had said little, only continuing to sing to her son.

It was only after that news, that she began pleading with her little one. “Don’t give up. You have to keep fighting.” Three days after that, she wept through her songs. Rebecca knew that reality was slowly eroding the family’s hope, but even so, Mom kept singing.

   “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.”
--------------------------------------

   Leela rubbed suspicious moisture from her eyes. It certainly was damp in that cavern! “Fry,” she began, but he cut her off, an inscrutable expression in his eyes. Some odd blending of fear, courage, and… love?

   “It’s time, Leela.” She looked at him blankly. “You have to go now,” Fry said simply. For reasons she didn’t understand, fear seized her heart.

   “What? What do you-”

   “It’s not going to be okay, Leela.” Again, he was utterly calm, eerily calm. Fry had made a decision. She shook her head in mute denial, but he continued, inexorably.

“Look around, Leela. The water is rising, and there’s nowhere to go. You can swim, but I can’t. You can escape, but I can’t. There’s no reason for both of us to die in here.” He nodded firmly. “It’s time for you to go.”

   “I’m not-” she hissed, shaken to the core. Fear came out as anger in her voice. Fry just smiled at her, daring to reach out and touch her cheek.

   “You’ve already done more for me than I deserve, but you can’t save me. I’m going to die in this place.” The change in Fry was sudden, and shocking. As long as she'd known him, he had never spoken like this.

   Leela was truly angry now. “Don’t you dare!” she growled vehemently. “Don’t you dare give up on me now, after all this. I will not let you give up.” At least her anger managed to put a little heat into Fry’s voice as well.

   “I’m not giving up on you, Leela! You should know by now I couldn’t ever do that. I’m giving up on me.” Leela was not mollified.

   “No.”

   “No?”

   “No, I’m not leaving you here alone. We get out together, or not at all.” She glared at him with an unyielding stare of her own. Fry merely sighed sadly.

   “Leela, you’re being selfish.” She pulled away from him, offended.

   “Selfish?! I thought I was being your friend.”

   Fry splashed the water angrily. “You are my friend, you know that!” He lowered his voice ‘til it was just above a whisper. “But you are being selfish. What about your parents, Leela? They love you; you are their entire world, even I can see that. Is this what you want to do to them?”

With an angry wave of his hands, the vivid image of Fry’s heartbroken family appeared in front of them, unaffected by the water that was nearly up to their necks.

   “Look at my mom, she’s crying. Is that what you want to do to your mom? Just wake up, Leela. Go home.”

   Hurt beyond words, Leela could not respond.
-----------------------------------------
  ,  , or    ?

[Reply #645 on:]

Awwwww, how depressing I hope everything turns out ok. This was a really great chapter, keep up the wonderful work. Update soon, the suspense is killing me.

edit: I was reading this again and I noticed the last part was really really good even better than the rest of the chapter and decided to edit this part in to my post 

 

:
 “Leela, you’re being selfish.” She pulled away from him, offended.

“Selfish?! I thought I was being your friend.”

Fry splashed the water angrily. “You are my friend, you know that!” He lowered his voice ‘til it was just above a whisper. “But you are being selfish. What about your parents, Leela? They love you; you are their entire world, even I can see that. Is this what you want to do to them?”

With an angry wave of his hands, the vivid image of Fry’s heartbroken family appeared in front of them, unaffected by the water that was nearly up to their necks.

“Look at my mom, she’s crying. Is that what you want to do to your mom? Just wake up, Leela. Go home.”

Hurt beyond words, Leela could not respond.

Awww, how sad, it brought tears to my eyes.   

[Reply #646 on:]

... AHHHHHHH!!! AHHH, AHHH, AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I was considering just writing AHHH for the rest of this because it seemed... not right to speak like a civilized person so soon after reading this. But look, I pulled myself together for you!!

So... I ALMOST cried. Which is incredibly cool because I've only read one book that made me actually cry, and that was when I was 10 (and like I said, I have a soft spot for animals). But I did get choked up. And tears WERE in my eyes and were about to come out and an unbidden teary "Oh my God" came outta my lips before I knew it. So consider yourself an expert at drama. That's the first thing I gotta say.

I did laugh a little though, which helped to break the tension!! I laughed at Yancy Senior's excited questioning of the nukes. I laughed at Yancy calling the SPCA and poison control.

And then the heartwarming parts... you know... Fry and Leela bondage. I smiled my face off when Fry was happy that his mom sat by him.

Oh, and then I got near to the end and all the craziness fell back on me- choked up because of You Are My Sunshine, and VERY FREAKED OUT about Fry's attitude change. It's really scaring me. Now I'm really scared, obviously. So here we go again with the cliffhangers!!!

But I want you to know that this... this was a WONDERFUL chapter. It was NOT a    , it was a    . And a    too. Oh my God I'm so freaked out. I have to go read it again. It was SO GOOD!!!!!

Edit: 

Originally posted by Layla50:
“Look at my mom, she’s crying. Is that what you want to do to your mom? Just wake up, Leela. Go home.”

I don't know how, but I missed those last two sentences when I first read it. And for some reason they struck me as incredibly KLDFAKLSJDF, and then I did cry. So you got me.

[Reply #647 on:]

Whoa. That's deep. Poor Fry. That DOES explain a lot, however. Fantastic.

[Reply #648 on:]

*falls over* shakign fingers can't type we;l. freaking out. Must rely on emoticons to express feelings:
           
         

[Reply #649 on:]

I second that emotion *joins Venus*

                    

[Reply #650 on:]

Now that was a very nice chapter.  I really prefer the Fry and Leela stuff to the Nixon political intrigue stuff. 

[Reply #651 on:]

Oh. Your. God. - just like I said before - You're a great writer and the master of suspence...

I loved this Leela/Fry scene... I just loved it... And it's sad, very, very sad... Has Fry just realize that something bad is happening in the outside world?? Or is it the fact he doesn't have much strenght/life left in him??

Anyway I'm joining Venus and Phil now
                    

* Swidzi sits with Venus and Philip for an all day weeping session *      

[Reply #652 on:]

Words nor Emoticons can express just how good this really is.

Too much suspence to handle! I'm gonna pass out from it soon. :P

Truely Great Work

[Reply #653 on:]

Ditto Venus ,FJ Fry, and Swidzi. Outstanding chapter!! Fry's change of mood was very dramatic and effective - in fact it was downright scary...

Here we are again hanging on the cliff....

[Reply #654 on:]

*jaw drops*

That was incredible, Layla. I seriously do not know what to say. It was dramatic, had some gags (lighthearted gags, mind you, but gags, nonetheless), and almost made me all weepy, weepy, weepy. (The whole "weepy, weepy, weepy" thing is much more affective if you consider the fact that I have never cried at a book or fic...with one exception that I'm not gonna mention). Oh, and there was the shippy, too. Not the blatant ship, but the well-written ship that doesn't make me want to wretch. Also, the whole Fry in a coma thing was incredibly dramtatic, and incredibly sad, but it was so well written. So well written that it didn't reach the level of sap, if you ask me. Yeah, it would never actually happen on the show, but it would happen in Fanfic World. (Which is usually "The Sappiest Place on Earth!" )

Anyway, here were my favorite parts...

 

The tension was killing her, and Leela wanted to shake the rest of the story out of Fry when he fell silent. He wasn’t looking at her, however, and so missed her interest. Just as she had decided to prompt him, Fry turned and grinned sheepishly at the cyclops. “Sorry, kinda stupid, I know.”

But Leela shook her head and looked deeply into his eyes, before whispering, “It’s not stupid.”

Okay, not only was Fry's thinking that his story was stupid so perfect, but Leela's response was so great. I love when a character pauses, then chooses to whisper some dramatic line like that. It just makes such a big impact. Also, I like the "looked deeply into his eyes" thing, for totally shippy/it-makes-the-emotion-so-much-better reasons.

 

Again, Fry grew quiet. Leela shifted over closer to him, and he smiled briefly at her. For once, there was nothing but friendship in his eyes. A tension she hadn’t realized was there ebbed away, and she linked a comforting arm through his. Leela did not miss the flicker of surprise in his eyes, but neither did she comment on it. “So what happened?” she prodded him gently.

So great for so many reasons. My favorite thing about that paragraph was the fact that "nothing but friendship" was in Fry's eyes. Perfect.

 

“Is it the nukes?”

Ah, comic relief...what would we do without you?

 

In his worry for his brother, Yancy Jr. had called every emergency number he could find, including poison control and the SPCA.

Not only is it funny (in the most gently humored way) but it's cute.

 

There was something twisted and wrong about a child lying near death under the silent watch of the people that had brought him into the world.

That one sentence is so powerful. And so true.

 

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.”

That's the perfect song for her to be singing. It's so gentle and sweet and...perfect. I don't know what else to say.

 

Fry splashed the water angrily. “You are my friend, you know that!” He lowered his voice ‘til it was just above a whisper. “But you are being selfish. What about your parents, Leela? They love you; you are their entire world, even I can see that. Is this what you want to do to them?”

With an angry wave of his hands, the vivid image of Fry’s heartbroken family appeared in front of them, unaffected by the water that was nearly up to their necks.

“Look at my mom, she’s crying. Is that what you want to do to your mom? Just wake up, Leela. Go home.”

Hurt beyond words, Leela could not respond.

Fry was so out-of-character (in a good way, a totally understandable way, and a totally well-written, justified way) that it scared me. Again, you managed to get the point a cross in a few short paragraphs, and the impact that left on me was just...whoa.

Damn these cliff hangers! Eagerly awaiting more as always, Layla.
 

[Reply #655 on:]

I'm at a lost for words. I can see why you said it was controversial, but it was one of the best chapters, heck, probably THE best chapter, you have so poetically weaved throughout our posts of adorations.
 

  Dad had gone so far as to say that his son hadn’t been too bright to begin with, so he knew his son would be okay.

I don't know why I like that line, but it does fit with Yancy Sr. I always knew that the lack of Delta wave couldn't have made Fry that stupid. Again, not enough words to say how great of a writer you are. I went back through some of the other parts, and if its even possible, you have improved. Of course you were great to begin with. Keep up the *insert some other adjective that sounds more intelligent than "great"* work.


P.S. I also liked the You Are My Sunshine part, my mom used to sing that me, plus Fry's obsession with Walking on Sunshine makes for a real emotional punch.

P.S.S. Ok, maybe I wasn't at a lost for words. But you like words, right?

[Reply #656 on:]

Procyon, you fiend! You're pointing out my careful conceived ideas!  Neat!

Yes, that is the whole contreversy I've been stewing over, Fry's dumbness not being simply due to his weird genetics and lack of a delta brainwave, but because of his getting whacked over the head.

Also, you pointed out the connection between "you are my sunshine" and "walking on sunshine" which I have planned for a very long time. I haven't finished playing with that connection yet either. Seriously, good on you for noticing all of that. It makes me happy to know that these subtle things are being noticed. I was also a little worried people would roll their eyes at me for choosing such a childish song... but it just works, darn it!
And now I gotta go to bed before I reply to the rest of you, but I will eventually reply, I swear!

G'night! (Oh, and the next update might be Friday, or Saturday, depending on how things go.)

[Reply #657 on:]

Oh. My. God.

Layla, that was a great chapter. Yancy Sr. was, as everyone's said, totally perfect. And the chapter was just creepy, scary even, all around. Here. You deserve a cookie.

[Reply #658 on:]

Words fail me.  So I will address a couple individual issues rather than the awesomeness that is your prose, dialogue, etc. 

Fry's uncharacteristic...ness makes sense in context.  See "out of emotional range," below.

"You are my Sunshine" - absolute favorite sappy song EVER.  (Old School Country is the only Country for me.)

The Origin of Fry's Dumbness - I prefer the more science-fictiony explanation already (implicitly) given, but your way works.  Especially since a lack of delta waves would only really explain his poor memory, and not his lack of coordination (dysgraphia) and perception (ADD.) 

Anyway, this story is well out of the range of the series emotion- and tone-wise by now, so I don't think a more serious explanation/backstory hurts.

[Reply #659 on:]

 

Originally posted by *Layla50*:
*Rebecca went about her rounds, checking up on the little redhead without ever saying a word to the solemn family. It wasn’t her place to intrude on their grief, and besides, what could she say? Mom was always there, her face framed with the same red hair as her little boy. *

You know that is you change Fry for Leela and Fry's mom for Fry, you get a scene from *The Sting*. (Fry staying with Leela in her hospital room)(That’s my fav episode)

Great chapter, keep it up.   

P.s. No I did not get into trouble at my job. My coworkers are used the see me burst in to laughter. The only time I have to watch myself is when my Boss in on the floor.

Btw, I think you lost Dr. Z and Nibbler along the way. Maybe they are part of a conspiracy to over run Nixon? (Like the true love kiss thing)         

Bye for now.   


 

[Reply #660 on:]

Cool word of the section : mollified.  That’s one you don’t hear too often.

*Peels gold star sticker off of paper, places it nonchalantly on Layla’s forehead*

You get star.

 

Leela rubbed suspicious moisture from her eyes. It certainly was damp in that cavern!

I only picked up on this modest little joke the second time through.  Nice touch without ruining the mood.

All and all, I’m a bit late to respond on this section, so all the stuff about your endeavors in suspense, character, and tone has been brought up already.  Still, know that I agree you handle these things well almost 100 percent of the time.

Superb work, waiting patiently for more.

-------------

Fear/ignore my subjective critiquing!

 

but he continued, inexorably

  Ah, one of my favorite words, but it didn’t really fit the sentence.

 

...As the threat of drowning laughed merrily in his head at his fright, Fry fought back....

Seems a bit awkward, I don’t really get what you were driving at there.

 

In the confusion, Yancy Senior, along with his brother-in-law, was held for assault

Honest question.  Should that be was or were?  I’m not really sure.

[Reply #661 on:]

JBERGES, I think that the correct word would be "was". I may be wrong, but that seems right to me.

[Reply #662 on:]

well, technically, its a compoud subject, but they're not connected with and. Of course, we're are mainly talking about Yancy Senior.
"Along with his brother-in-law" seems a prepositional phrase acting as a noun. Maybe it's a complement that completes the meaning of the verb. Well, I'm not an English person, but I'm still going to say "was" is the correct word.

[Reply #663 on:]

Sorry I havn't relpyed. I was kinda ban from PEEL by my mom. But that doesn't mean I didn't sneek on here in the middle of the night, copied it onto notepad, then read it the next day. Nope, I did. All for you Layla. And I'm glad I did. It was such a great chapter.


 

As the threat of drowning laughed merrily in his head at his fright, Fry fought back in the only way he could think of: by forgetting it. “I was in the hospital for a long time. Coma, I guess.” A thought struck him and suddenly, he smiled. It was a brilliant smile, filled with light and joy.

“Yancy told me later that mom stayed with me the whole time, and she never watched a single game. I never knew I meant that much to her. I never knew I meant that much to any of them."

I like the little reference to the Sting. That's a great little way to mention it.

 

It was only after that news, that she began pleading with her little one. “Don’t give up. You have to keep fighting.” Three days after that, she wept through her songs. Rebecca knew that reality was slowly eroding the family’s hope, but even so, Mom kept singing.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; you make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.”

I loved that paragraph. "You are my Sunshine" was a great song to use. Especially cause he loves "Walking on Sunshine". Plus it seems realistic if one sings that to their child if in some sorta sickness. I know my mom would. 

 

“Look at my mom, she’s crying. Is that what you want to do to your mom? Just wake up, Leela. Go home.”

A great line. Nothing more I can say.

The whole chapter was so very well writtin. All the charaters were not out of character, if you know what I mean. It all was very deep. No more words. None. Great job once again Layla. I'm gonna go to the corner, sit down, and think about this whole thing now.

[Reply #664 on:]

*Reads Layla's earlier post that I accidently skipped*

Yay! I'm a fiend that notices stuff! And a Bending Unit! (My 100th post)

You want to know the real reason I notice most of this stuff? I always read the story late, and everyone takes all the good stuff. So I go through and find nice little touches that everyone misses that I really like. When I do that, I realize I like your story more and more. Keep up the great work. Has someone nominated you for POTM yet? *goes and checks*

[Reply #665 on:]

Since all the positive adjectives have already been used, you won't get clever praise from me. But it was beautifully written. I swear, I'll get nightmares because of this. That last part...sent shivers down my spine.
Please Layla, you must continue soon, my sanity is in your hands!!

[Reply #666 on:]

I must second Asa at this one... please please please update soon (You promised that you'll write at weekend...  )
I can't wait to read more

(off-topic: Yes!!! 666 post in this thread  )

[Reply #667 on:]

omg, 666 posts!!11 then u r teh evil!!!11one

nevermind me!

[Reply #668 on:]

Umm...was it something I said?

Where'd you go?

Am I bumping this by half a page?
Okay, that one was rhetorical.

[Reply #669 on:]

Yes! I was horribly offended by your constant efforts to make me feel wanted and loved. For shame! (Frowns mightily)

So... uh, where have I been? Well, you see the thing is, I lost last weekends update... in a volcano.

Not buying it? Well, how 'bout this? I was fiendishly swallowed by a monstrously fiendish paper maché monster.

Don't buy that? Well, you should 'cause it's more or less true. I had too many projects to even think about all the writing I wanted to do, and one of the was a giant art mask.

Anyhoo, update for sure tommorow, wherein many secrets are revealed, and trully, I'm sorry about the wait.

Instead, personal responses!

AsaB: Uh, I suppose you're already insane now, huh. Drats. Sorry! I'm really glad that part was nightmare inducing (although, that's an odd thing to say.) and I'll tease you by saying that it all goes downhill from here!

Fiend... I mean Procyon: It's really nice for me to see what everyone notices. I'm trying to give this story a lot of depth and layers. I figure it enhances the re-readibility. I also think your comments like that really help me improve and I really appreciate that. Who knows, maybe someday I'll be a famous author and I'll be crediting you PEELer's for getting me there!

Futurama Nerd:Ooh, I don't want to get you in trouble with your mom. I can always email you the next updates if you want. That said, thanks for the noble risk-taking.

"You are my Sunshine" is a very maternal sort of song, and you're right, it goes well with walking on Sunshine. This may come back again in another way unless I change my mind. (Right now, it's too much treacle, even for me.)

I'm thrilled you enjoyed that update. I'm amazed that you're thinking about it afterwards. What could be a higher compliment?! Thanks! By this point, Fry is quite out of character, but, it's more or less intentional. My next story will much more in line with the show.

JBERGES: Yay! Bergey gave me a gold star! Nonchalantly! Woot!
Thanks for the kind words. (I mean, seriously, coming from you? Wow!) thank you again for the critiquing.

For the were/was debate, was sounds right to me, but I did spend a bit of time puzzling about it. Thanks for pointing out the weird sentences that sometimes creep in there. My brain goes in weird places sometimes when I write.

NIC2001: I'm sorry I still haven't gotten to your story, but I will, I swear! I love the Sting too. I whimpered all the way through the first time I saw it, and the hug at the end sent me into deep space.
(Amy) So cute! (/Amy)
I have sort of left those two out of the loop. They'll reappear, but maybe not for a while. I expect part of the rewrite will involve fleshing out their roles a bit.

N-o-r: Ah, you're such a cutie! I also prefer the "My Own Grandpa" explanation, and I still consider that the driving force for Fry's special mind. (In fact, you've just given me another brilliant idea, and I look forward to your reaction. (I'll let you know when you see it!)) Trully, thanks for bringing that up, as I've been fretting over it for ages now. 
I'm so happy you liked the song. It's also nice and public domain. I was wondering how the sap factor would play out, but it seems to have worked well.

Just to reitereate my promise, my next drama story will be much more in line with the tone of the show. Really. I think. 

Shippy Mandy: Mmm... cookies! Thank you!

Gorky:Thanks for the defense in the other thread oh fellow prose writer! Sappiest place on earth cracked me up. It's so true. I have no words (ironic, eh?) for how much your words mean to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have trouble believing that these words could make anyone weep or nearly weep, so thank you!
I'm glad you liked the 'story was stupid' line. It just felt natural to me, like slipping in shippiness.  I also like the nothing but friendship line, 'cause I really like their friendship.

We'll be seeing more of Yancy Jr. soon enough!

I'm so relieved that people like the song. My friend says that puts this into the realm of songfic... uh oh. Heheh.

I'm also glad ooc Fry worked for you! It's always a risk, isn't it?
Cliffies are evil fun for Layla's.

Ol'coot: Don't let go! Here's a teddy bear for the scary parts.

Tom35:Thanks a bunch! Now keep breathing.

swidzi: Whoa! That's a lot of emoticons. You'll see what's happening to Fry, don't worry! Here's some tissues for the whole lot of you!

Crash_7:
I don't blame you, so do I. But without the political stuff, it'd be pretty depressing.

Philp_J_Fry: Aw... don't cry!

Venus: You are too funny!  You're in the dark now, aren't you?

Pataloca: Thanks so much! I'm happy that you enjoyed it!

say what now: Well, your post made me feel just ASDKFASDJF too! Thanks! Whoo! I gotcha! Hehehe! Take that universe! It's funny that the 'smiled my face off' line was both touching, funny, and disturbing.

Seriously say what now, thank you so much. You've made my week, and it's been a rough one.

Philp_J_Fry again: Aww... thanks so much! Sorry about the long wait for an update. I'm getting there! I can't believe I brought tears to your eyes. Thank you!

You guys rock my socks! Thanks!!!

[Reply #670 on:]

 

Originally posted by Layla50:

Venus: You are too funny!    You're in the dark now, aren't you?

...so...cold... *collapses*

[Reply #671 on:]

I'm eagerly awaiting your next update! I'm getting very curious about what will happen next. (More shippiness would be nice...or Nixon. Or both.)

[Reply #672 on:]

shippy Nixon? I don't know how i would feel about that.

[Reply #673 on:]

I'd be happy with shippy Nixon...so long as the head of J. Edgar Hoover was somehow involved. (Sorry...It's been a long week here, too...too much work has destroyed any sense of reality I may have had.)

Anyway, in other spamtastic news--I can't wait for this next update, Layla. I'm sure it'll be great.

[Reply #674 on:]

Well, I hate to disappoint, but there's not much shippiness in this one, or even any Nixon. And I have definately been pushing the bounds of whackiness in this update. There are quite a few references to episodes and movies in this one. Have fun finding them! The next update, if you're interested in a preview, will feature Fry and Leela, with a possibility of Nibbler, Morris and a few others. We'll see.

Part 46:

   “Come home to us, Leela. Please.” Munda squeezed each of her daughter’s finger tips in turn, hoping to elicit a response, any response. “And bring your friend back with you.” Tears brimmed in her eye, and every once in a while, a single drop would dart forward and escape the boundaries, streaking hot down her face. The mutant was all too aware that time was slipping away from them. In the distance, she could hear occasional crashes and other sounds of fighting, and those sounds were getting steadily closer.

   The doctor brushed by Munda as she checked Leela’s condition. Meeting the worried mother’s eyes, she said, “Your daughter is doing a bit better, I think. Her breaths are deeper and her heartbeat is strong.”

   Munda straightened, hope in her wet eye. “Is she waking up then?” But a trace of tension in Dr. Rumelle’s lips dashed that hope.

   “I’m afraid not. She’s very deeply asleep, and I don’t know when she’ll wake.” Munda nodded, face downcast, but the doctor rubbed her back gently. “She’s doing better, Munda, really.”

   Munda smiled in tremulous gratitude. “Thank you. I’m glad to hear that, I really am.” Chastity gave her one last pat before moving on to check after Fry. The tired mother followed the movement, wishing for the news to be as good in Fry’s case.

   The doctor checked him over in long practiced routine, her demeanor professional, yet compassionate. She carefully pried open Fry’s eyelids, and a worried frown broke through her doctor’s face.

   “Professor?” She called, voice thick with concern. There was no immediate reply. “Professor!” she repeated, annoyance now warring with alarm. Munda half stood, wondering if she would be needed.

   With a choked snort, the weary old man woke. “I was having one of my favorite dreams,” he sighed. “I was sending the crew on a very dangerous mission and I was at home, in my pajamas-”

   “What are those fancy monitors telling you about Fry?” Chastity demanded in a tone that managed to put a fire under the draggy scientist.

   “Good news!” he crowed happily. “The monitors are working perfectly! They indicate that… uh oh.”

   “What?” the women prompted anxiously.

   “I think I left the atomic destabilizer running.” The women let out their individual breaths, but then Farnsworth added, “Oh, and Fry’s brainwave patterns are becoming dangerously erratic. Oh, yes. Just look at all those delta waves.”

    “What does that mean?” Munda whispered, looking back and forth between the troubled doctor and the pallid delivery boy.

   “Now, don’t panic.” Chastity sighed. “It might just mean this will take longer than we’d thought it would.”

   “But?” the cyclops pushed.

   “But, it doesn’t seem like your daughter’s brain is helping to stabilize Fry. He’s getting worse.”

   Munda closed her eye in dismay for a brief moment. “Ah,” she mumbled her understanding, her voice high pitched in quiet distress. “What can we do?”

   The doctor shook her head helplessly. “Nothing. It’s all up to them now.”
---------------------------------------

   “You disgust me.” Zapp’s voice dripped with contempt as he glared at the crewman keeping watch. Johnson glanced idly at his former captain.

   “Likewise,” he said with a shrug.

   Brannigan was undeterred. “I’m not surprised that you disgust yourself, you mutiny…guy. You swore an oath to serve this ship and her captain in the proud DOOP Navy. Now look at you, a traitor, being betraitorous.” Amusement danced on the crewman’s face as Zapp attempted to browbeat him.

   Hermes, now mostly recovered from the drugging, sighed. Things just kept going from bad to worse. “I should have stayed in the shack with my Rastafarian Zombie Grandma.”

   “She’s got that talk show now, doesn’t she?” Amy asked brightly.

   Hermes did not reply.

   Meanwhile, Zapp had not finished his pontificating. “Oh, I’ve seen your kind before, in my dramatic adventures through the galaxy. Extremists, zealots, and burning cauldrons of seething anger, or as the Zapper calls you: neutrals.”

   Johnson shook his head in disbelief. “Can you believe this guy?” he asked Amy.

   She shrugged airily. “I guess. Kiffy’s told me enough stories.”

   The startled crewman suddenly stepped as close to her as he could. “Kiffy? Not Kif Kroker?”

   Equally surprised, Amy nodded. “He’s my boyfriend. Have you seen him around? I’m a little worried about him.”

   But the suddenly animated man ignored her question. “You know Kif Kroker? Really? Ah, he’s… he’s the best lieutenant in the DOOP!”

   Amy flashed an ‘I told you so’ grin at the beleaguered bureaucrat. “Oh, believe me, I know.”

   Johnson shook his head in awe and Hermes offered a cautious suggestion. “So, seeing as how we’re the personal friends of Kif, I suppose you’ll be letting us go?”

   The crewman eyed them in silence for a second, before giving him a clipped “Nope!” Hermes sighed and leaned against the groaning wall.

   “It was worth a shot, anyway.” The rumblings behind him grew suddenly louder and he could feel, for the first time, faint vibrations in the metal. “Sweet tiger in Liger!” he yelped, springing away from the wall.

   His fellow prisoners gasped and backed away as far as they could go, Zapp holding a struggling Amy in front of him as a shield. The steam pipe that kept the brig warm began shaking violently as unimaginable sounds filled the air. A crack formed in the valve seal prompting terrified squeals from everyone trapped in the cell.

   “What is that gleep!” Amy cried, as something green began oozing out of the split. With one more unearthly wail, a large mass burst through the pipe and hit the floor with a wet smack, then all was still.

Hermes, Amy, Zapp and, from outside the cell, Johnson watched in trepidation as the gooey blob began to shift, eventually coalescing into a very familiar figure.

   “Oh, hello.” Lieutenant Kif Kroker greeted them calmly, giving his misshapen left arm a quick shake to help it regain it’s natural state.

   “Kiffy!” Amy shrieked, wrapping her arms around him so tightly that she left noticeable indentations.

   “Amy!” he said with nervous joy. “Ooh, careful dearest. I’m not as viscous as I normally am right now.” With a shy smile, the diminutive alien took her hand in a loving clasp, squeezing it tighter when he took in his surroundings.

   “Where have you been?!” Zapp
demanded. “and why are you out of uniform?” Blinking, Kif glanced down. He was, indeed, completely nude. “Oh dear. Where did I lose that I wonder.

   “Uh, it’s right here.” Hermes muttered uneasily. Carefully avoiding touching the lieutenant, the bureaucrat peeled the crinkled uniform off Kif's back. He shuddered at the sticky, slurpy noise it made.

   “Oh, thank you.” Kif quickly slipped the red tunic over his head. Gushing baby talk, Amy helped him straighten it. "As for where I’ve been, well, I’ve been all over the ship, following your orders, sir.”

He turned to address Amy and Hermes. “Three days ago, I was assisting in Zapp’s morning routine when he dropped the Glorious Wonder down the sink.”

   “Just a minute, the ‘Glorious Wonder’?” Hermes asked with a raised eyebrow.

   Kif sighed, and explained in a voice filled with mild contempt. “That’s what the captain calls his nose hair clipper.”

   “Oh.” Hermes muttered. Amy looked disgusted.

   “A solid dolomite nose hair clipper, worthy of a grand title.” Zapp insisted.

   “Yes, sir.” Kif sighed before continuing. “Well, you see, I don’t have bones, instead I’m supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders which-”

   “Kiffy,” Amy prompted him cutely.

   “Oh, right. So, naturally, we came to the mutual decision of Zapp sending me into the pipes to find it.”

   “Oh, Kif! That’s awful!” Amy kissed him sweetly on the cheek and the alien's camoflage reflex kicked in briefly.

   “So, did you find it?” Captain Brannigan never lost sight of important matters.

   Kif stared at the floor awkwardly. “Yes, but I’m not getting it out in public, sir.”

   “Ah.” Even the Nimbus’s captain looked chagrinned.

   The lieutenant offered up a change of subject. “Pardon me for asking, but what are you all doing in the brig?” He looked past the prisoners to the man outside. Johnson was saluting with great enthusiasm. Kif acknowledged the respect with a little, embarrassed wave.

   Zapp quickly launched into an explanation. “It’s mutiny, plain and simple.” He glared at the crewman poisonously.

   Hermes shook his head. “There’s nothing plain or simple about it, man. But, yes, the crew has turned against us.” Under his breath, he added, “Not that I blame them.”

   Still clutching his hand, Amy murmured nearly inaudibly, “They aren’t really after us, Kif, but Fry and Leela. Still, that guy said that we may be headed for an ‘accident’. I’m scared,” she confessed.

   Kif turned wide eyes to the crewman. “Aiden, is that true?”

   Aiden Johnson looked distinctly uncomfortable. “Well, yeah, we mutinied against Captain Brag-again, but those agents are working for the President, so it isn’t really a mutiny. It’s sort of an officially sanctioned mutiny.”

   “You’ve got to let us out of here.” Kif as firmly as he had ever said anything. Amy fought back a swoon. “If not all of us, at least Amy. She doesn’t deserve this.”

   “I’m sorry. I can’t do that, Kif.”

   “Please, I don't understand. How can you refuse to help us? Remember when I helped you out, Aiden? Or should I say Crewman Number 5?” Driven by fear for Amy's safety, Kif pressed the crewman for aid.

   Johnson gasped in alarm. “Don’t call me that! Don’t ever call me that,” he hissed agitatedly.

   Kif cringed apologetically. “I’m sorry. You’re Aiden Johnson. You have a real name now.”

        Kif's eyes bored into the man and guilt played across Aiden’s face. “I never did repay you for that, did I?” Kif shrugged.

   Zapp broke in irritably. “Enough of all this mindless chatter. Either explain this or stop yammering about it. Honestly, your constant babbling is your worst quality, Kif.”

   But it was the crewman who replied. “Your much maligned lieutenant saved my life. See, my parents were followers of the Show-That-Cannot-Be-Named.”

   “Baywatch 8?” Zapp questioned, a laviscious undercurrent in his voice.

   “No! Star Trek!” Johnson glanced warily around when he said it. “Anyway, they saddled me with the name ‘Crewman Number 5’.”

   “So, what? You were teased?” Hermes asked, wondering where Aiden was going with this.

   “Like you wouldn’t believe, but more than that. Every ship I’ve ever been assigned to, I was always the first one sent into danger, all because of that cursed name."
         
         "Because of a name? Really?" Amy asked, puzzled.

         "It's a military tradition, Amy." Kif whispered to her, not without tenderness.
 
         Johnson nodded. "It was by pure chance that I managed to survive. Then, one day I was assigned to the Nimbus, the ship with the highest crew fatality rate in all the DOOP. I knew I was done for." His eyes were filled with remembered despair. "But I mentioned it to Lieutenant Kroker here, and he arranged to have my name changed! Do you have any idea how much paper work that takes?"
   
         "Yes!" Hermes said brightly.
         
The crewman gave him a baffled look before pressing on. "Once I had a real name, you, Brannigan," he addressed the yawning captain, "You took me off suicide duty, and put me into the field I’ve always loved: botany.” Cleary, Zapp had no memory of that.

   “Botany?” Hermes asked skeptically. “There’s only one sort of botany my Jamaican heart is interested in, and it’s not rose gardening.”

   “Botany.” Johnson affirmed proudly. After they digested his story, he considered the prisoners. Finally, he sighed heavily and looked at Amy. “If anyone asks, she seduced me.” He stepped away from the cell, out of their line of sight. A minute later, he reappeared. “The security cameras just had a major malfunction. Probably related to the strange noises we’ve been hearing.” He winked at Kif.
   
        “Does this mean-?” Hermes jumped in hopefully.

   “Yes, I’m letting you go.” Aiden let down the force field. “Now, get out of here, get off the ship if you can, before I forget why I’m doing this.”

   “Thank you, thank you!” Kif, Amy and Hermes cheered quietly as they exited the cell. Amy gave him a squeeze on his shoulder. Brannigan gave him one more contemptuous look as he past by.

   Just before they went out of earshot, Johnson heard him say, “You see, when you run a tight ship, everything turns out Brannigan-side up,” followed by a heavy sigh from his right hand lieutenant.
------------------------------------------

Like all my comedy sections, this one really needs editing, but you've been waiting for this for a while, and I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer.

[Reply #675 on:]

Wow, great read Layla. I really ejoyed Proffesers line about his dream, it made the chapter less sad and it seemed like something he would say in the show if it didn't get cancelled(Damn FOX). Morris and Munda were written so perfectly. Everybody was perfectly in character. Zapp Branagin was great too. Update soon, please. Keep up the wonderful work.

[Reply #676 on:]

Holy crap! I use the name Aiden in my fic too! Get out of my head damn you! I love that name, i almost gave it to my cat!

Incidently i thought this chap was great and have no idea what 'editing' you think this needs.

[Reply #677 on:]

Like Philp_J_Fry just said, the characterization in this chapter was wonderful. There were lots of little jokes, and they all seemed to work. (Ironically, I've been reading a site full of bad baby names, and Crewman Number 5 sounds almost like something I'd find there...some of the worst names were Toolio DeSac and Catatonia Calliope.)
And, of course, there were some nice emotional moments in the first part.

It's all good.

[Reply #678 on:]

Now that was an interesting chapter. It was short enough to satisfy me for now, but long enough to answer some questions and leave me asking more questions. And all in all, this is a friggin awesome story.

[Reply #679 on:]

 

Remember when I helped you out, Aiden? Or should I say Crewman Number 5?

Have you been watching GalaxyQuest?  (and Harry Potter, for that matter, given the oblique reference a couple lines down.)

Seriously, Red Shirts are my heroes.  I guess this sentiment also explains why you're careful to give your minor characters at least a designation, if not a full name and backstory.

Also, great explanation for Kif's absence.  Again, you take something random and make it hilarious.
"Amphibians: Is there anything they can't do?"

Good Farnsie lines, great characterization on Kif - you struck that nice balance between competence and weeniness that even the writers seemed to struggle with *cougheveryepisodefromseasonthreeoncough* - great part overall.

Also, you might find this amusing.