I Don't Read the Reviews, The Reviews Read Me!

[#640 :]

Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus

Totally jawsome and tenticool!  It had all the elements of bad science fiction fit for an MST3K-style lambasting.  The 747-bit is even better than I expected, and I had high hopes to start with.  How could I not?

[#641 :]

Just watched the 1989 version of The Phantom of the Opera starring Freddy Krueger aka Robert Englund. He's badass. This movie is badass too, it's a shame it got thrown by the wayside because of bad timing (came out like right after the start of the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical). And there was talks about a sequel which would be like The Man Who Cried and I would have liked to have seen that. But I mean another part of the movie's box office failure is the poster:



Oh good job publishers that really differentiates from Freddy Krueger...



I can't tell the difference! Bastards.

8.7 out of 10 = B

PS: Should Jackie Earle Haley play Freddy Krueger in the next reboot/remake, I will personally be first in line at the theaters.

[#642 :]

Fanboys

It was sweet. I read only Star Wars fans really appreciated it, but I've only seen the first (1977), so that isn't quite true. It did it's job nicely.

8/10

[#643 :]

Really, Books? I heard it was horrible.

Now I'm interested to see it.

[#644 :]

Yes, it's better than Goodfellas....

[#645 :]

Danika

WTF? I didn't know what was going on? The lady was a bag lady the whole time?
It was pretty much an arty farty movie. It's like one of those movies you would have to watch again to get it. I didn't really like the main actor well but the plot was better.

I give this about: 7/10

[#646 :]

Gran Torino

Finally got around to watching it and I'm glad that I did. Definitely worth a watch. The only words that adequatly describe it and Clint Eastwood in particular are "Bad Ass".

[#647 :]

Tell No One

I hadn't heard of this film when I first saw it in the bargain section of an on-line DVD shop as the write-up looked good I found an independent review which was positive so bought it; I'm glad that I did as it is an excellent film.

The film opens with a family get together in rural France, after this two of the people there depart and drive to a small lake where they go skinny dipping. After a brief argument Margot swims back to where she left her clothes and walks off towards the car, as she goes her husband Alex hears a scream and swims across the lake, as he gets out of the water he is attacked and left for dead.

The next scene is eight years later and Alex is working as a doctor and we learn that Margot died in the attack. The past comes back to haunt him when two bodies are found near the site of the attack, soon after he receives an email which claims to be from his late wife. As he starts to ask questions about the events of eight years ago he finds himself being investigated by the police and a shadowy group who's motivation we don't find out till near the end of the film. The police start to believe that he may have killed his wife rather then the serial killer who had been convicted of the crime. As the police close in to arrest him he flees and is forced to get help from a criminal who's son he once saved.

I've tried to keep spoilers to a minimum as when one watches this for the first time you don't want to know too much. The action is well done, especially during the chase scene after he flees from the police. Some people may be put off by the fact that it isn't in English, I don't speak French but barely noticed that I was reading subtitles as I was so engrossed in the story. The acting was impressive through out, especially from François Cluzet in the lead role.

9/10

[#648 :]

Drag Me to Hell

An almost flawless movie with scares and horribly dark humor, I was thoroughly happy. But...

No Bruce Campbell?!?!?! What the hell Raimi?

A

[#649 :]

I watched Event Horizon on TV last night
Below average for a space movie.
6/10

[#650 :]

The Abyss: Director's Cut

That movie was too long. I mean honestly,  I don't know what couldn't have been cut out because it all was vital but still it was just so long. I think I was most disappointed by the setup from my friend who made it sound like it was the ultimate epicness ranking with Alien and Star Wars.

It was not.

C+

[#651 :]

Oh, the Abyss....
My Mum was obsessed with that movie for years after it came out. She thought it was the height of hilarity to constantly refer to things as "Russian Water-Tentacles", completely missing the uncomfortable phallic imagery it evoked.

[#652 :]

The Company of Wolves (1984)

This retelling of the Little Red Riding Hood tale isn't something one would show to young children although it isn't as shocking as its (UK) 18 certificate would suggest; there is no swearing, no nudity, one very subtle sex scene and the violence is at a lower level than many fifteen certificate films. I can only imagine that the rating is because much of what happens is a metaphor for Rosaleen reaching puberty and her growing sexuality.

The film opens at a large house in rural England where a young girl is having a strange dream. In this dream she is living in a village in a forest and is visiting her grandmother who lives outside the village. When she gets to her grandmother's house she is told cautionary tales about werewolves and what she must do to avoid them herself. When young Rosaleen returns to the village she heeds her grandmother's advice although her parents think that it is mere superstition. On a later visit to her grandmother she is given a bright red hooded cloak which is much brighter than anything anybody else in the village wears, this soon gets the attention of an amorous village boy. They go for a walk in the forest but get separated, she hides from him by climbing a tree, at the top there is a birds nest where the eggs hatch to reveal something very strange. While she is there the boy finds a cow that has been killed by a wolf; he returns to the village to warn everybody. I won't say more to avoid spoiling the ending.

The film feels quite old now but is still good, the studio setting gives the village and the forest and somewhat unnatural look which suits the fact that it is meant to be a dream. Sarah Patterson is excellent as Rosaleen, I was amazed to learn that she was only twelve or thirteen at the time this was filmed.

8/10

[#653 :]

Mystic River
Damn good acting, Penn and Robbins especially.
Kept me guessing til the end, good work Clint Eastwood!

Ending was a bit unresolved-y, what was up with Laura Linneys character suddenly going evil?

A

[#654 :]

I watched the Fellowship of the Ring last night. It felt way too short.. like 1/3 of a really epic movie.

[#655 :]

Yeah, they totally left it open for a sequel.

[#656 :]

Maybe if you watched it three times in succession...

[#657 :]

Saw Angels and Demons the other day. I went in with no real expectations after the Da Vinci Code, which I thought was rubbish. But, I actually really really liked this. Maybe it was because I'd been to all the places they went to, or that I'd read the book and enjoyed the story, I'm not sure.

B+

[#658 :]

Population 436

I watched this with my mom earlier. It was an good movie but it was too much like Burning Man without the sex seens and it had a less predictable ending.

B

[#659 :]

I think I saw that once, I'm not sure if I finished it.

[#660 :]

Road House
Swayze is a cool badass, takin' out the trash and the town douchebags (some srs douchebages in that town).
Splosions, kung fu fist fights, Jeff Healey Band, boobies, awesome.

Heh, and "Confidence Man" was playing in the bar with Sawyers dad, I get it!

A

[#661 :]

Transformers 2

Only watch this if you like CGI, explosions, and Megan Fox in slow-mo.  Don't expect a good plot, developed characters, or intelligent humor.  However, the movie did sparked a lot "WTF did I just watch" conversations.  Honestly being able to look back and laugh at the ridiculously stupid parts is enjoyable in itself.

[#662 :]

One-Sentence Reviews

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Wait, wait, why do all the alien robots address each other in English?

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
A delightfully offbeat comedy romp that nearly makes me regret all the horrible shocking nasty things I said about Bill Murray for not making Ghostbusters 3 sooner.

Traitor
I’d say this was as boring as bat-shit, but if you stared at guano long enough it might actually do something.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Kevin Smith: master of taking an awesomely hilarious premise and burying it beneath a steaming pile of smulch.

Pulse
I suppose the whole crappy ‘death by social networking’ horror movie was inevitable, but really… malevolent ghosts hacking into people through wi-fi?

Being John Malkovich
A unique and fascinating mindfuck that you want to turn off, but cannot.

The Hills Have Eyes 2
The hills, however, have a decided lack of originality or interesting characters.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose
I angrily and unfairly declare this to be absolute crap since the DVD was scratched to shit and wouldn’t play at all after the first five minutes.

[#663 :]

Why would you want to turn off Being John Malkovich? That movie is a masterpeice.

[#664 :]

It's... really really weird. Masterpiece, yes. But disturbing in many ways.

[#665 :]

because you don't realise it's Cameron Diaz untill about an hour in?

[#666 :]

I knew that from the cover.
No, the premise was hilariously kooky, and I loved Malkovich and Charlie Sheen taking the piss out of themselves, but then it all got rather dark and twisted.

[#667 :]

Terminator: Salvation  I went into it with low expectations, but it was surprisingly good considering Ahnuld wasn't in it.   B-

Angels and Demons  Was genuinely a good movie, and I have to say was surprised at who the bad guy turned out to be. B

I just wish someone had done a little research into antimatter before they detonated an antimatter bomb over Rome. (Boy did I get some lols out of their depiction of the LHC)  Apparently the producers don't realise that doing so would doom the whole population of Rome to slow, gruesome deaths by gamma radiation poisoning.

[#668 :]

Transformers 2

I can't understand how for over 2 hours a movie about giant fighting robots could ultimately be such a boring fucking movie.

D+ Only due to the fact that Optimus Prime is a badass.

[#669 :]

Road House
Swayze is a cool badass, takin' out the trash and the town douchebags (some srs douchebages in that town).
Splosions, kung fu fist fights, Jeff Healey Band, boobies, awesome.

Heh, and "Confidence Man" was playing in the bar with Sawyers dad, I get it!

A

About friggin' time, Faze!!!

What was your favourite non-sequitur? I still giggle at the uncalled-for "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!" threat!

The Elephant Man
This is why I hate David Lynch! The guy's clearly capable of making great, interesting movies with a point like this, but he spends most of his time catering to his own cheesecake-before-sleep-induced nightmares like Mulholland Drive and Twin Peaks! Overall: Great, emotionally staggering movie, gassy director!

A+

[#670 :]

Thank you M0le, I agree. A lot of people seem to really love Mulholland Drive, but it just made me mad

[#671 :]

Transformers 2

I can't understand how for over 2 hours a movie about giant fighting robots could ultimately be such a boring fucking movie.

D+ Only due to the fact that Optimus Prime is a badass.

Great...The things I do see for my friends...

[#672 :]

I saw these films over the last Friday, Saturday and Sunday, respectively.

Year One
The concept of a tribe of cavemen communicating in a contemporary way was amusing at first, but then as the movie progressed and more characters were introduced it got all 'my friends helped me along the way' so I kind of zoned out.

The Proposal
I didn't mind this. It had Betty White in it and I've developed a fondness for her of late. I need to see The Golden Girls again. Otherwise, it was still one of those silly romance movies where you know how it's going to end. My friend Jenny still cried throughout almost the entire second half of the film. For the first half whenever something was funny she'd put her head on my shoulder. Then when she cried I gave her tissues. It was as if we were on a date or something, except our other friends were there...we've never been too sure about her sexual orientation.

The Hangover
I thought this was going to be crap, but it wasn't too crap. At least this was a buddy movie without being so direct about it, like in Year One. Haven't seen Heather Graham in a while.  I'd see it again when its out on dvd.

[#673 :]

It was as if we were on a date or something, except our other friends were there...we've never been too sure about her sexual orientation.

You should totally shag her.

[#674 :]

Transformers 2

I can't understand how for over 2 hours a movie about giant fighting robots could ultimately be such a boring fucking movie.

D+ Only due to the fact that Optimus Prime is a badass.

Great...The things I do see for my friends...

I'm not your friend deary. Please elaborate so I can understand what you're trying to say.

[#675 :]

Chi bi (Red Cliff) Part 1
John Woo paints his depiction of The Battle of Red Cliffs at the end of the Han Dynasty 208AD, (not that I've heard of it or seen any other depictions), and Part 1 reminds me of The Two Towers mixed with Hero, awesome.
The tyrannous Cao Cao is trying to conquer the southlands for the Emporer in the north, but he's basically trying to get the Emporers uncle out of the way so he can take over later, also he fancies a chick in the south, he's a bit mad.
So Lui Bei (the uncle) forms an allegiance with a southern guy Sun Quan and they set up in the Red Cliffs, a bit like a water fortress version of Helms Deep and Cao Caos forces try to attack by land first, but fail, so they set up their million warships opposite Red Cliffs and that's where Part 1 ends.
Pretty good so far, lots of Hero style wuxia battles' and John Woo slowmo dramatic shots. Part II review later!

B+

[#676 :]

Transformers 2

I can't understand how for over 2 hours a movie about giant fighting robots could ultimately be such a boring fucking movie.

D+ Only due to the fact that Optimus Prime is a badass.

Great...The things I do see for my friends...

I'm not your friend deary. Please elaborate so I can understand what you're trying to say.

My friend likes transformers so I have to go see the movie with her tomorrow.

[#677 :]

Transformers 2

Whenever I watch a movie about intergalactic civil war, I want ball jokes.  I want to hear about nutsacks and testicles and berries.  Transformers 2 did not disappoint!

Also, I want my alien robots to be racial stereotypes so offensive that even George Lucas thinks they went too far.

Add to this that the director is so impressed with CGI that he will go out of his way to have so much happening on screen you can't make heads or tails of it and you have yourself a winner!

Things to also watch out for... Terminator 3 cameos, scenes from the next American Pie direct to video sequel, a repeat of the plot of the 1986 animated Transformers film, and Maxim magazine shots of a strumpet with man hands (yes, Megan Fox has MAN HANDS!).



Tranfsormers 2 is one huge hackneyed crude joke, but somehow is still better than the first one.... marginally.

2/5

[#678 :]

On the plus side, it had an SR-71 Blackbird... which for some reason was British... but anyway... Blackbird!!

[#679 :]

It sounds even more horrible with every review I read. Ugh.