I hate that which you love: movie reviews

[Reply #480 on:]

One-Sentence Reviews

The Descent

Exactly the same as The Cave and The Cavern, but marginally better than both because this one has a pickaxe-through-the-neck scene.


Space Adventure Cobra

Rollicking 80s sci-fi anime for those who enjoy a multitude of tried-and-true Star Wars-type cliches and nude women with stars where their nipples should be.


A Sound of Thunder

Ray Bradbury's classic short story about time-travel has become a cautionary tale on the evils of illogical plot, scientific inaccuracy, and special effects worthy of a cable-TV disaster movie.


Pale Rider

Clint Eastwood tries and fails to recreate his Spaghetti Western glory days - just rent Fistful of Dollars.


End of Evangelion

What you suggest emo kids watch if you want to amuse yourself by making them kill themselves.


The Mothman Prophecies

Spooky, atmospheric, thought-provoking, and based on an exaggerated book about a true story which was completely nothing at all like the book or the movie.

[Reply #481 on:]

Cloverfield

A giant monster is attacking New York City.  The army is fighting it with ingenuative techniques, convincing performances and cool pyrotechnics.  Undaunted: the monster is sending off wave after wave of trite cliches, over-reaching narrative, Jerkycam and obvious CGI.  As yet, it is undetermined how many of the helpless civilians are actually buying it.

C+

[Reply #482 on:]

Cloverfield amendum:

5 hours and two lots of painkillers later, my head is still sore. Damn that camera. Damn it to hell.

[Reply #483 on:]

Meh, i thought it may've affected me when i was about 5 minutes in, but about 15 minutes later i'd forgotten about it and i was fine!

EDIT: There's talks of a possible sequel. The scene on the brooklyn bridge, HUD films someone else with a camera doing the same as him, and if they do do a sequel, it'll likely to be from that dudes POV.

ALSO, is the bridge Will Smith camps next to in I Am Legend the Brooklyn Bridge too?

[Reply #484 on:]

Film-makers hate the Brooklyn Bridge.

[Reply #485 on:]

Darren Hanlon likes it...

[Reply #486 on:]

Jesus Christ...Meet the Spartans is number #1 in the box office. I should stand outside movie theaters and punch whoever sees that right in the face. This is so bitterly dissipointing...I think I'll go cry a bit.
 http://www.rottentomatoes.com/

Edit: ahahaha...a comment I read on RT: Idiocracy is officially starting to come true. Bring on the Brawndo.

America proves its intellectual superiority yet again...you fucks. You people are the epitome of every single thing I hate about American culture.

[Reply #487 on:]

Isn't Canada included in those figures?....

[Reply #488 on:]

That is completely besides the point.

[Reply #489 on:]

Wow. Coupled with Rambo being right after it at #2, that is the saddest thing I have ever seen. This is somebody from the RT Forums' response:
 

Looks like I lost that suicide bet I made. Excuse me while I gladly go and blow my head off. See you soon, Heath!

[Reply #490 on:]

It's not like anything else on that list is a real winner, either.

[Reply #491 on:]

I think I felt a brain cell die just knowing that I live among people who probably enjoyed Meet The Spartans...

[Reply #492 on:]

 

Originally posted by coldangel_1:
The Mothman Prophecies

Spooky, atmospheric, thought-provoking, and based on an exaggerated book about a true story which was completely nothing at all like the book or the movie.

And filmed partly at Carnegie Mellon, my Alma step-Mater!

 

Originally posted by Ben:
Film-makers hate the Brooklyn Bridge.

Everybody hates the Brooklyn Bridge.  It's only natural for filmmakers to destroy it.  Also skyscrapers and fruit carts.

[Reply #493 on:]

King Of King: Fistful Of Quarters
A good little documentary, I was happy for the guy at the end, but

Show spoiler

then I looked on twingalaxies.com and found that Billy Jerkface Mitchell beat his score again... BOOOOO!!!
Ya bearded woman-haired sauce-freak!!

 

B+

Hitman
Didn't really have high expectations for this, Timothy "My old gaffer will never believe it!" Olyphant was ok as 47, a few details were off, like the fact that he's supposed to be a clone and there was a black version of him, wtf?   
The rest of the main cast were ok with what they had to work with, but the little references to the game made up for the stupid soldier outfits and wonky plot, and Olga was pretty hot.
*installs Blood Money*

C

[Reply #494 on:]

Superbad

I'm a bit late. I thought it was very funny, and kinda nice. Michael Cera is god. Loved the cops. Ending was good. Lolz at Michael Cera's buddy from that Internet show being at the party.

[Reply #495 on:]

Juno

Heh. This is good fun. Michael Cera is officially the awesomest dorky kid on screen ever. Actually, that's one thing I really appreciate about the film: the kids act like kids. They talk like kids. They have petty little kid arguments that mean a lot more to them at the time than they should. And they just... I dunno. Just feels like a few people I know. So props to the two leads for seeming real enough as young folk, and yet still being tolerable enough that I was able to put aside my seething hatred for all children for a couple of hours, and actually be sort of charmed by them. It's just a good feeling when the actors actually look and act the age they're supposed to be.

It's also funny. The eponymous Juno is a smart-mouthed little brat, and despite moments of voracious bitchdom, never became completely intolerable for me. The various side character all charmed or amused in equal measures, with the exception of Juno's best friend, who came off as a little flat.

It's a sweet story, with enough profanity and cringe-worthy dialogue to avoid becoming too saccharine. And Jason Bateman managed to come on to a high-school girl without appearing too creepy! Amazing!

It's hard to describe just what's so good about this film. It's just good. Good good good. Go watch it.

9/10

[Reply #496 on:]

Oh I forgot, The Nines
Divided into 3 sections, the first being pretty funny about an actor in rehab, 2nd shot in reality TV style about a TV show creator trying to get his show going, and the 3rd about a guy who has to rescue his family after his car battery dies in the middle of nowhere and sort of turns nasty.
All the guys are Ryan Reynolds and weird shit happens that links them all together for the ending.
It was ok I guess, I thought it was going to be all comedy, but it's not, bit of a weird mishmash.
B-

[Reply #497 on:]

Bump for teh Cloverfield
First of all:

Motion sickness, even worse than a Michael Fucking Bay movie, but z0mg it's a giant beat the shit of a whole city MONSTA!!
I liked it, the bit where the military is firing all kinds of hell at Clumsy Cletus was just a great spectacle, loud and stuff (ow my freakin ears), I thought it was awesome.

My friend beside me couldn't look at it he felt so sick, I was shaking it off a bit too but I still liked it.

A

[Reply #498 on:]

The Eye

Its basically "Final Destination/The Six Sense" with a blind hottie instead of some cute little boy or teenagers. The movie was ok I guess, but the sporadic images of death is what kept me awake.

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I think I saw that "Flaming Homeless Guy" from Cloverfield in this movie. And if some kid ask me if I've seen their report card, I'm runnin'

C+ Gets a little boost because of Jessica Alba.   

[Reply #499 on:]

Juno

So not in the mood for a long review. It was really nice. I like Ellen Page, i think was really good in this. The film sort of reminded me of Garden state in the sense that it had a lot of one scene characters, like the chick outside the women now place. It was a good film. See it.

A

[Reply #500 on:]

Cloverfield

Fan-flipping-tastic.  I agree with Ben and Fazes reviews.  It took me a a few minutes to shake off the shakeycam, but once it kicked in, I thought it was excellent popcorn fodder.  Great monster, excellent premise, and a cast who are seemingly dispatched indiscriminately. 

Artistic/dramatic licence allows us to believe that the guy will go back for his girlfriend (it's a movie!) instead of getting as far away as possible, and I was along for the jerky ride.

Short running-time too, and thank god!  It's snappy, punchy and really well-paced.  Thinking aside from the massive viral-marketing campaign that would allow you believe you're seeing the best movie ever, then you're always going to be disappointed.  If you expect a throwaway monster movie, albeit one shot from a relatively unique perspective, then you're gonna be fine.

I loved it.  Despite Rob reminding me of Pitt Clemens for the entire movie, and me picking out familiar areas of New York like 59th/Columbus Circle, and the bridge under Central Park.

8/10

[Reply #501 on:]

 

Thinking aside from the massive viral-marketing campaign that would allow you believe you're seeing the best movie ever, then you're always going to be disappointed.

...I wasn't disappointed...
I'm not saying it was the best movie ever, it was just exactly as awesome as I'd hoped.

And I don't get it. I didn't have ANY problem with the handicam AT ALL, not even for the first five minutes, not even for a SECOND, and I never had ANY thoughts about anybody else possibly being annoyed by it either.

Some people just get sick easily, I guess...

[Reply #502 on:]

..and it's not like it was gratuitously thrown in there, either. They didn't go out and make a monster film with dollies and cranes and steadycams, then think to themselves "hey, let's fuck it up for the hell of it." You just can't separate the hand-held camera device from the film itself, it's that integral to the concept.

If you don't like the camera, then you don't like the film.

[Reply #503 on:]

Good point.

...

*says something else worth posting as well*

[Reply #504 on:]

One-Sentence Reviews


Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation

They didn't have the funds for an all-out bug war like the first one, so they opted for a dumb Body-Snatchers knockoff that was both lame and predictable.


Dawn of the Dead (Original)

This bleak and apocalyptic shoestring vision hasn't lost much after thirty years, although it's one of the few instances where the remake is actually a tad better.


Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Temple of Doom was too dark for some, and this one's too light, so Raiders is still king, but you've gotta love Sean.


Superbad

Supergood.


Disturbia

They say it's not a remake of Rear Window, but it is... and it's a poor one at that, so just watch Hitchcock's original and save yourself from the sarcastic teenage crap.

[Reply #505 on:]

 

Originally posted by coldangel_1:
One-Sentence Reviews

Superbad

Supergood.

That is not how sentences work!

[Reply #506 on:]

Not only is not not a sentence, it's not even a real word.

[Reply #507 on:]

st trinians

it was ok, killed an hour or 2.

C+

[Reply #508 on:]

 

Originally posted by DrThunder88:
 That is not how sentences work!

I pwn the English language. I'll do with it as I will. It's Poetic Licence.   

[Reply #509 on:]

 

Originally posted by chay's head:
Superbad

I'm a bit late. I thought it was very funny, and kinda nice.

Oddly enough I just watched this move also. High five for watching movies really late.

I like how much cursing and underage sluts featured into the movie. A great addition to family movie night.

Is Pineapple Express a real movie? Like, it's supposed to be funny and/or good? Should I try being high before I watch the preview? Would that help?

[Reply #510 on:]

 

Originally posted by coldangel_1:
One-Sentence Reviews


Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation

They didn't have the funds for an all-out bug war like the first one, so they opted for a dumb Body-Snatchers knockoff that was both lame and predictable.

i agree. i have that on dvd. its nowhere near as good as i thought it would be!
   

the 1st one was better   

[Reply #511 on:]

Das Boot director cut:

Wicked long movie (3.5 hour) but good. It drags a bit, and more could have happened in that time. The interior of the sub is fantastic. Wood paneling and lots of valves. Its cramped, but it feels like home.  The ending is not for everyone, you'll either hate it or feel lukewarm about it...Its a real departure from the tone of the rest of the movie, kind of a 'wtf!?' moment, like you've been robbed. But its a good movie.

8.5/10

[Reply #512 on:]

 

Originally posted by VelourFog:

Is Pineapple Express a real movie? Like, it's supposed to be funny and/or good? Should I try being high before I watch the preview? Would that help?

Yeah, it's a real movie. I didn't find the preview terribly entertaining or funny, but I'm not a pothead. What do I know?

[Reply #513 on:]

No Country For Old Men
Anton Chigurh is a badass scary mofo, don't fuck with him!

WTF was up with the ending...? 
B+

We Pwn The Night
It was an ok cops vs drugs baddies movie, but I'm starting to think Mark Whalberg and Joaquin Phoenix aren't challenging themselves in their films, they seem to play very similar characters (or pick roles with least amount of effort involved)
Maybe that's a complement because they make it look easy to play a cop or a not-so-good cops brother.

B

Ending of this one kinda ended on a downer too. 

[Reply #514 on:]

 

Originally posted by ~FazeShift~:
No Country For Old Men
WTF was up with the ending...?   

I don't know, but Llewelyn's wife was adorable.   
And Chigurh is the scariest bastard in the history of cinema! Even scarier than Chucky!

[Reply #515 on:]

Fuck i know! But i swear his accent jumped around a shitload. Yeah, the ending was a little different. Also, what were the years again, he said something about the coin being 1956, and it was 20 years later...ish, so 76? Then he went back in 1980 to

Show spoiler

off the wife

[Reply #516 on:]

BC: See her in Trainspotting, she'll honk your horn.

[Reply #517 on:]

Will do.
Honk honk.

[Reply #518 on:]

Norbit - Its sad seeing what all these black comedians will do for a check.

F

Epic Movie - There is nothing epic about this shit.
F-

I can't believe I'm actually paying HBO for this shit, thank God for The Wire.

[Reply #519 on:]

 

Originally posted by Nicky boy:
 
i agree. i have that on dvd. its nowhere near as good as i thought it would be!
   

the 1st one was better     

I hired this out years ago and used the fast forward button alot. Would have been better if there were Jahoobs, maybe there was and I can't remember, and if there was than this movie must of been really crap.