Todays comedians could learn from this guy!

[on:]

Sure quoting the Zapper and Kif is great. They have some awesome lines, but we all know that the funniest character is the grotesque stinking lobster, the crab with the jab, the big red hope, in short: Zoidberg. So share your fondest memories about Zoidy.

Airforce officer: “This experiment will determine what food, if any, the alien eats.”
(Zoidy is lead into a room with a well-decked table)
Zoidberg: “A buffet. Oh, if only I had my vallet with me.”
Airforce officer: (Over intercom) “Uhh, it’s free.”
Zoidberg: “Aiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeoooouuuu uuu.”
(Foods splatters on the two-way mirror, and Zoidy starts to slurp it off)

President Truman: “If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you’re here to make war, we surrender.”
Zoidberg: “Both good, the important thing is, I’m meeting new people.”
President Truman: “Bushwah. Now what’s your mission, are you here to make some kind of alien/human-hybrid.”
Zoidberg: “Are you coming on to me?”
President Truman: “Hot crackit! I take exception to that.”
Zoidberg: “I’m not hearing a no-ooo.”

Zoidberg: “And I’m the other guy. Courage, not enough of it, need some from What’s-his-name.”

Zoidberg: "So, now Zoidberg is big, ahh. That's more like it. Who's intimidating who now, big city? Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan Bank. Deny my credit card applications will you? Yaarrggh. Uuurggh. Ah, the famed Apollo Theater. Booo me of stage on "Open Mike Night", eh? I'll show you! Yaaarrggghh. Yaaaarrgghhh."

That scene in "Why Must I Be A Chrustacean In Love" when Zoidy goes nuts in the gym was priceless. One of the best jokes ever.

Okay, your turn.

[Reply #1 on:]

I'm going to paraphrase these quotes from memory until I get back from the movie and go watch the eps again. Anyway, here's some of my faves:
---------
Zoidberg: Be careful with that Adlai Leela, he's a doctor, they're very poor.

Leela: Actually, most doctors are rich.

Zoidberg: What?!? When did this happen? You're joking, right? That's not funny!
---------
Zoidberg: Oh, you're both very lucky. I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness. If only I weren't so desperately poor!
---------
Zoidberg: I don't trust that doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's treated.
---------
Nurse: Are you ready to operate Doctor?

Zoidberg: I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery! I kid, I kid.
---------
Zoidberg: Scalpel... blood bucket... priest... next patient!

Soldier: Whoa doc, I ain't dead!

Zoidberg: Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor here.

[Reply #2 on:]

They're tastier than an unguarded penguins nest!

>Since when do you wear boots?
>I wasn't wearing them... I was eating them!

L: Why aren't you two working?
Z: We were sent in for doing an unsatisfactory job... and eating penguin eggs...
F: You ate most of them!

Zoidy seems to like penguin eggs eh?

[Reply #3 on:]

The whole medical tent scene from WITHW is just hilarious.

NurseAre you ready to operate doctor?

Other DoctorI'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery! Mehahahah!

ZoidbergTHAT'S MY LINE! I'LL KILL YOU!!!

 

[Reply #4 on:]

Zoidberg:now, pick a mouth, open it, and say wrwrbbrwwrb.
Fry:wbbrrbbr.
Zoidberg:What?! My mother was a saint, get out!!!!
-----------
Hermes:He's twitchin' like zoidberg when someone mentions the word food.
Zoidberg:hm hmh, what now???
-----------
Zoidberg:disembowling, in your species... fatal or non-fatal?
Fry:Fatal!!!
-----------
Zoidberg:... for one beautiful night i knew what it was to be a grandmother...
-----------
        

[Reply #5 on:]

Leela: "There's nothing wrong with having high standards. Now can we please stop..."
Zoidberg: "The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch, and all will be well."

[Reply #6 on:]

Fry: "Was anyone hurt?"
Zoiby: "No, no. Of course not. No one but you. I'm afraid your body was badly damaged in the crash. That's it over there."

        
"Hooray! It's just like Mardi Gras!!"
Funny because it's true.

Zoiby: "Zoiby want balloon now! Zoiby want to go outside!"
Fry: "Arrgh! I just let you back in!!"

Zoiby: "Oh God--I'm coming DOWN!!"

Zoiby: "It just so happens I have mail-order degrees in murderology AND murderonomy. Zoidberg is afoot!!"

[Reply #7 on:]

How to start a character right.  (Parentheses indicate parts I'm not sure about)

Professor: I have to warn you, though, he's a little odd.  He wears sandals.
*Professor opens door, and Fry sees El Zoido*
Fry: *GASP*
P: (Dr. Zoidberg), here's our new delivery boy.  He'll be needing a physicall
Zoidberg: *Holding something that looks sharp, pointy, and really, REALLY painful* Excellent, excellent.
P: You'll be fine. *Gives Fry a worried look, and leaves*
Z: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain. *Fry opens mouth* No, no no no, not that mouth
F: I only have one.
Z: Really?  *Looks at card*
F: Umm, is there a human doctor around?
Z: Young lady, I am an expert on humans.  Now pick a mouth, open it, and say, "plplplplpplpl."
F: Um, ahem, "lblblblblblb."
Z: What?  My mother was a saint!  GET OUT!

[Reply #8 on:]

In Time Keeps on Slipping (I think) When fry is lamenting about Losing Leela..
Dr Z. Dont be so hard on yourself Fry you lost to woman of your dreams but you still have Zoidberg.. You all Still Have Zoidberg
(later in ep)
Fry: My life is Empty
Zoidberg: Zoooiiidddbbeerg

[Reply #9 on:]

Zoidberg: "How do I look?"
Bender: "Like whalebarf!"
Zoidberg: "Then the illusion is complete."

Zoidberg: "I choose my own claws, I want the tactile pleasure of cutting him  here, in the gonads." (Points at Fry's neck)

[Reply #10 on:]

Leela Dr Zoidberg, can I talk to you about Fry?
Zoidberg Leela, I'd be honoured.
--Time Jumps--
Leela ...he does the worst W. C. Fields (name???) impression I've ever se - ZOIDBERG!?!
*Zoidberg looks away from TV*
Zoidberg Sorry, you must have been boring me.

[Reply #11 on:]

Zoidberg: Did someone say something about a free hot meal?
--------------------
Zoidberg I have no Idea why, I just want to talk. (Aside) Fry, that doesn't make sense!
--------------------
Zoidberg It's all so complicated, with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies!
--------------------
Zoidberg Hmmm, Blood = Thicker than water?
--------------------
Zoidberg I'm seeing a movie with friends!
--------------------
Zoidberg Hey, ringo! That was the joke!

Funny, funny stuff.

[Reply #12 on:]

 

Originally posted by Teral
Zoidberg:"I choose my on claws, I want the tactile pleasure of cutting him here, in the gonads" (Points at Fry's neck)

Even better was Fry's line- "Don't correct him!!!"

[Reply #13 on:]

Zoidberg: Look at me, I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner!

[Reply #14 on:]

Zoidberg: "And the winner is: Hot Rod Zoidberg!!"

[Reply #15 on:]

Hermes: I know how to settle this, we'll check last night's surveillance tapes.
*assorted exclamations from the crew*
Zoidberg: You've seen me naked?
----------
Zoidberg: ...and that's how I got my new shell! It looks just like the shell I threw out yesterday, and I found it in the same dumpster, but this one had a live raccoon inside! *schlurp* Pretty good story, eh Hermes?
----------
Zoidberg: Thank you, these will come in handy for my new hair! Finally, I look as pretty as I feel!

[Reply #16 on:]

"Gracias"
and
"Just as I expected, the crime is ...  unsolvable!"
and especially
"Todays comedians..."

[Reply #17 on:]

"Hurah! people are paying attention to me!!!!"

"I am going to a movie with people!"

[Reply #18 on:]

^ Correction:
I'm seeing a movie with friends!

[Reply #19 on:]

Zoidberg was very funny in Roswell That Ends Well.
"Hey lighten up, what is this, a funeral?"
 

[Reply #20 on:]

Zoidberg: "So what are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for what-ever."

[Reply #21 on:]

"A guinea pig tricked me!"

[Reply #22 on:]

 

Originally posted by Kryten:
"A guinea pig tricked me!"

dammit, dammit, dammit!
I was reading the whole page and I was stoked that nobody had said that yet, and then what do I find at the very bottom of the page but the quote I was planning to post.
ah well.
"what's this? two meals in one week?"

[Reply #23 on:]

What's this?  Now Zoidberg is big!  Who's intimidating who now, big city?  Ah, hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan Bank, deny my credit card application, will you?  Raaarrr!  Arrrgh!  Ah, the famed Apollo Theater.  Boo me off stage on open mike night!  I'll show you!  Arrrrgh!  Raaarrr!

[Reply #24 on:]

When Aliens Attack:

Z- Help!! Helpp!!
(Bender comes in walkin)
Z-Bender!! you must free me!, i`m to pretty! i never will survive here!
B- All right all right i will get you out!
(Bender free Zoidby and then an alarm triggers)
B- Cheess it!!!!!

[Reply #25 on:]

Zoidberg: "I lost it.....in a vulcano."

Zoidberg: "As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wonderous thing happened, why not? They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets - including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays, but not be destroyed by them - Earth. So all over the world, couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg! And no one could've been happier, unless it would've also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!"

[Reply #26 on:]

Teral, it was your last Zoiby quote that, for me, lifted Love & Rocket from "one of my favorite episodes" to "my all-time favorite." It's so beautiful when an episode can do that in the final seconds. It's frickin' nirvana.

[Reply #27 on:]

Bender: Hey, I've got a busted ass over here, but you don't see anyone kissing it.

Zoidberg: All right, I'm coming already.

[Reply #28 on:]

"Once again, the conservative sandwich investment strategy pays off!"

(eats sandwich)

"Oh no, I'm ruined!"

[Reply #29 on:]

^ Can we get some Quote Nazi action up in here?

[Reply #30 on:]

YAY! No one used any quotes I had in mind!

Zoidberg: I'll take a look but I'm an expert on humans, not robots. [shines a light in Fry's eye]
Fry: I'm not Bender, I'm Fry.
Zoidberg: Really? I thought YOU were the robot!
Fry: Nope, human.
Zoidberg: All right, all right, spare me your life's story.

Zoidberg: So he's not perfect, you don't want to end up old and lonely like ZOIDBERG! [cries, immediatly stops] You were saying?

Bender: Wow, I guess it's harder than I thought to make someone cry.
Amy: You did your best, Bender.
Bender: Up yours, bimbo! [Amy cries]
Zoidberg: Face it, we're in hot butter here. We should call Leela for help.
Bender: Cram it, lobster!  [Zoidberg cries]

[Reply #31 on:]

When I was two, there was a tidal wave in y...  Ohh...

Zoidberg: Ah, the hypochondriac is back. 
So, what is it this time?
Fry: Well, my lead pipe hurts a little.
Zoidberg: That's normal.  Next patient!

Hmm.. we'll need ot have a look inside you with this camera.
*Fry opens his mouth*
Guess again.

Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
Zoidberg: There's no part of that scentence that I didn't like.


Zoidberg: We can escape through that nasal capillary into the sinus.
Hermes: Strange, usually you don't know anything about human anatomy.
Zoidberg: I learned it from a decongestant commercial. Soothing action, action, action...

It's good cholesterol, but it spreads like bad cholesterol.

Hermes: He'll be as strong as Gumby and Hercules combined.
Zoidberg: Gumbercules?  I love that guy!

Yippie-kay-ay! You'll never guess where I've been!

[Reply #32 on:]

Sounds like someone just watched Parasites Lost . . .

[Reply #33 on:]

What?  Of course not... 

[Reply #34 on:]

"...and I'm his friend Jesus!"
-------------------------------------

"The president is gagging on my gasbladder, WHAT AN HONOR!!!"
-------------------------------------

Farnsworth: "Now, what do you nice kids want?"

Zoidberg: "Nothing!  I'm leaving, but if you have extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe?"

Farnsworth: "Oh blithery-poop, my cowardly lobster.  You don't need courage.  Afterall, who needs courage when you have *a gun*?"

Zoidberg: "Bang bang bang!  Pew pew pew pew pew! No world, you put YOUR hands up!"
-------------------------------------

[Reply #35 on:]

"And Zoidberg picks up another piece! The crowd goes wild! *cheering noises*"

[Reply #36 on:]

Z: The king crab is to die for! And look, a tiny edible crown!

Amy: What's it made of?

Z: Wood!

****
Z: Mmm, I haven't eaten since Tuesday- bird eggs...animal slices...dry woven reeds...[chomp schlurp]... all gone! Can I drive?

[Reply #37 on:]

"Now let me just turn the wheel to maximum fastness."

[Reply #38 on:]

"Now, Let me step back and dare the person who turned the wheel to maximum fastness make me laugh"

[Reply #39 on:]

Zoidberg: "Waaaaait, what would the robut do? Frame someone!"
Fry: "What up?"
(Zoidberg laughs evilish)