This is the initial parts of a script for a Futurama Red Dwarf crossover idea.

Fry, Leela, Bender and The professor are on board the RD starbug vessel with Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and Cat.

Scene 1: Rogue Simulant Ale.

Bender has been drinking an alien brew salvaged by the red dwarf crew, this actually makes him falling over drunk instead of refuelling him.....

Cat: 'There's an orange swirly thing coming toward us faster than a spanish rabbit on a springtime honeymoon.'

Lister :(Urgency and panic in voice)'Kryten, for smegs sake have you got the navigation computer working yet?'

(Kryten is at the back of the cockpit surrounded by wires and circuits boards, his head is hanging from his neck by a few straggling cables)

Kryten: 'I'm sorry Sir but it’s a bit difficult to work when your heads been knocked askew by that drunken brute of a robot.'

Rimmer: (smug and sanctimonious) 'If you had all just listened to me in the first place and kept Bender away from the rogue simulant death ale we wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place'

(Bender is drunk and laughing)

Fry: 'Leave Bender alone, Alcohol is his lifeblood, besides have you ever seen him without beer?'

Rimmer: 'Clearly this didn't agree with him, clearly he has not been replenished by the 45 bottles of this o so fine ale that you all thought would be so amusing to give him. Was it not obvious when he started unscrewing his groinal plate after the twentieth bottle that this was perhaps not the fount of eternal youth for our shiny bottomed rude friend here, was it not ever more apparent after his thirtieth bottle when he tried to insert camera three into krytens recharge socket in an attempt to see if the sun really did shine out there...'

Fry: 'Kryten really upset Bender when he tried to polish the groinal plate he'd detached.'

Rimmer: '...Oh no, you had to let him keep going until he was convinced that what the nav computer really needed was the last five bottles of beer poured into its drive slot, Clearly you didn't see it at all, Clearly!'

Leela: 'Would you Boys stop arguing we are about to be pulverised and all you can think of is arguing over benders drinking habits'

Bender: 'Oh Yehhhgghh, (really big fire burp) what else could be more important, than my...(stumbles over a console) ooops. Fry would you get me another beer.

Rimmer: 'For smeg’s sake would someone get that idiotic robot out of the way'

Bender: (Stumbles toward Rimmer) 'Bite my shiny metal ass H boy!' (Falls Over unconscious / offline)

Panic ensues as the orange swirly thing draws ever closer. Rimmer now acutely aware of the impending danger, without benders drunken behaviour to distract him, resorts to usual cowardly response and cowers in the corner!

Leela: ‘Go to manual control Lister’

Lister: ‘I can’t It was shorted out when Bender shoved spare hand number 2 into that panel.’ ( Points toward panel were Kryten is working in a panic )

Leela: ‘Can’t you do something, anything Kryten.’

( In a flurry of panic, head swinging about wildly on its loose cables, Kryten reaches in and wrenches out a loom of cabling with brute strength )

Cat: ‘Don’t let this be bloody, red and green just don’t go!’

Lister: ‘Right, seem to have some response from the controls.’ (The ship starts to veer to the right, at the same time the cockpit instruments darken )

Enter Professor Farnsworth: ‘What’s all this fuss then?’

Fry: ‘Look out the window’

Farnsworth: ‘Oh that, that’s just my new holo- projection defense weapon’

Fry:  ‘Holo what ‘

Kryten: ‘ It’s a hologram.’

Lister: ‘You mean its not real!’

Cat:  ‘ That can only be good, surely?’

Kryten: ‘Not quite, Mr cat  Sir, I think I’ve just disabled all the cockpit instruments, we’re flying blind’

Lister: ‘OH SMEG!’


Leela: ‘Everyone stay calm, now we weren’t near anything for the next 12 clicks, before the hologram appeared that surely buys us a fair bit of time before we need to worry about crashing into anything.’

Farnsworth: ‘We need to watch we don’t go too fast veering round in a circle like this, we might land up crashing into ourselves.’

Rimmer: ‘Ourselves!’

Farnsworth: ‘Oh yes, it’s quite possible if we’re veering to the side faster than the speed of light that were going to wind up crashing into the back of our own ship’


Kryten is still tinkering with the electronics inside the navigation computer console, ‘Right I think I can fix this’ There is a large electrical Flash and a loud bang, ‘Oh dear!’

Rimmer is making whimpering noises in the corner

Lister: ‘What the  SMEG!’

Leela and Fry together: ‘We’re boned’

Farnsworth: ‘I think I might need to make an unscheduled visit to the bathroom!’

Bender lying unconscious makes a loud burping sound.

………………………………………………………………………………………


Cue image of starbug careering toward orangey red planet.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Scene 2: Omicron Persei 9

Surface of Orangey Red planet, Starbug has crashlanded in a thicket of red tinged foliage, partly submerged into a cave.

Everyone slowly beginning to move out of crash landing position.

Leela: Is everyone ok?

Lister: I think I’ve broke my finger (left pinky is askew)

Leela: Oh gosh, that must be terribly painfull?

Lister: I’ll be all right. (winces)

Cat: Never mind that, I’ve got a rip in my trousers as wide as the Grand Canyon and this colour scheme just doesn’t go with this planet at all!

Kryten: ‘I think that is the least of our worries for now, Mr Cat Sir.’ ( Points at Fry, who is lying unconscious, with a wound to his head. )

Leela: (Grave concern in voice) ‘Oh God, Fry’ (Moves over to look closely at Fry)

Lister: ‘Is he still alive?’

Leela: ‘Yes, yes, I’m sure he is, yes he’s breathing.’

Lister: ‘Kryten, can you get the medical kit?’

Kryten: ‘Yes, as soon as I get my head re-attached Im sure I can go and find it.’
(Reattaches head and goes beyond cockpit to look for the medical kit.)

Rimmer: Emerging from his cowering position, ‘Can’t that mad doctor do something to help, he’s a doctor surely he can help?’

Leela: ‘He’s not that kind of doctor Arnold, he’s a scientist’

Cat: ‘Yeh, he’s a master of quantum burritos, not squiggly bloody things, don’t you listen to anything!’

Rimmer: ‘Well, master of whatever, he’s not here is he, he’s away attending to his untimely bodily functions!’

Lister: ‘You’ve hardly been a pillar of strength Rimmer, lying cowering in that corner.’

Leela: ‘Guys, guys let’s not fight, Fry’s injured, benders offline, we need to find out if the professor is OK.’

Kryten re-emerges into the cockpit looking alarmed

Kryten: ‘Oh dear, it would seem the back part of the ship is…missing!, and I can not find the professor!’

TO BE CONTINUED!