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Alex

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #560 on: 06-10-2006 13:48 »
« Last Edit on: 06-10-2006 13:48 »

How do you shoot a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a white elephant?


Edit:  TOTPD!
Xanfor

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« Reply #561 on: 06-10-2006 13:55 »

I'm learning not to read Langly's, but just to skip to the end.


Cartoon Laws of Physics

Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.  The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B

The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop.  Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch.  As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech.  As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintianing a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing.  Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit).  Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage.  One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

laptopmoerder

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #562 on: 06-10-2006 14:31 »

OK, this would be better to be posted in the 'Links'-Thread, but anyway...

If you can understand German, just visit  http://www.nichtlustig.de/  - it's full of nasty jokes :-)

Calculation of the temperature of Heaven and Hell

Taking exact reference to The Bible, we can easily calculate the temperature of Heaven. Isaiah 30,26 states: The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the LORD binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.
We now know that Heaven recepts as much thermal radiation as Earth, plus 7x7 as much, a total of 50 times as much.
Using the Stefan-Boltzmann-Equation ((H/E)^4=50, where E is the total temperature of Earth (assumed 300K)), we can calculate that the temperature of Heaven is 798K (525°C).
Let's come to Hell: Revelation 21,8 states:
But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.

We can't calculte the exact temperature, but we know that it must be less than 444.6°C, as above this temperature sulfur would change from a liquid to a gas.

Result: Heaven is hotter than Hell
Xanfor

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« Reply #563 on: 06-10-2006 14:37 »

Top ten reasons why e is inferior to pi

10) e is less challenging to spell than pi.
9) e ~=2.718281828459045, which can be easily memorized to its billionth place, whereas pi needs "skills" to be memorized.
8) The character for e is so cheap that it can be found on a keyboard. But pi is special (it's under "special symbols" in word processor programs.)
7) Pi is the bigger piece of pie.
6) e has an easy limit definition and infinite series. The limit definition of pi and the infinite series are much harder.
5) e you understand what it is even though you start learning it late when you're in pre-calculus. But pi, even after five or six years it's still hard to know what it really is.
4) People mistakenly confuse Euler's Number (e) with Euler's Constant (gamma). There is no confusion with the one and only pi
3) e is named after a person, but pi stands for itself.
2) Pi is much shorter and easier to say than "Euler's Number".
1) To read pi, you don't have to know that Euler's name is really pronounced Oiler.

transgender nerd under canada

DOOP Ubersecretary
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« Reply #564 on: 06-11-2006 10:25 »

Numbers one through four sound like reasons why Pi is better to me.
Xanfor

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« Reply #565 on: 06-11-2006 11:55 »

I hear the UN is cracking down on the bird flu epidemic. They're evacuating the Canary Islands and next week they're bombing Turkey.

Xanfor

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« Reply #566 on: 06-13-2006 08:50 »

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, now you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene...

alias_007

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #567 on: 06-13-2006 09:01 »
« Last Edit on: 06-13-2006 09:01 »

Why do elephants drink?
To forget.

I heard scientists stopped cloning sheep because they kept falling asleep.

(Yes I know they're bad.   :D )
Xanfor

Moderator
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« Reply #568 on: 06-13-2006 09:11 »

It is estimated that 3.71 X 10^10 "first-star-tonight" wishes have been wasted on Venus.


Astronomy bumper stickers:
U Toucha My Scope, I Breaka U Face!
Dawn- Just Say No.
So Many Parallel Universes, So Little Time...
Black Holes Are Out of Sight
Black Holes Were Created When God Divided By Zero!
Black Holes Really Suck...
Cosmologists Do It With A Big Bang!
The Hubble Works Fine; All That Stuff Really IS Blurry!
Going The Speed Of Light Is Bad For Your Age. 
How Many Weeks Are There In A Light Year?
Supernovae Are A Blast!
A Day Without Fusion Is Like A Day Without Sunshine.
Astronomers Do It In Black Holes. 
Astronomers Do It All Night.
Astronomers Do It In Clusters.
Astronomers Do It In The Dark.
Astronomers Do It Under The Stars.
Astronomers Do It While Gazing At Uranus.
Astronomers Do It With Mirrors.
Size Does Matter!
Limb Darkening: Early Treatment Saves Lives
Living On Earth May Be Expensive, But It Includes A Free Annual Trip Around The Sun. 
Honk If You're From Draco!
Gravity: Not Just A Good Idea...It's The LAW.


HOLMES: Watson, look up at those stars in the sky! What do you deduce?

WATSON: Well, each of those pinpricks of light is a huge sun powered by the fires of hydrogen fusion. That fuzzy patch over there is the Andromeda galaxy. Powerful telescopes tell us that Andromeda is an island of billions and billions of stars. Even more powerful telescopes tell us that there are billions and billions of such galaxies stretching out to the edge of the universe. If even one in a million of those suns had planets, and even one in a million of these had an oxygen atmosphere, and even one in a million of these had life, and even one in a million of these had people and civilizations, then we would be certain of not being alone in the universe.

HOLMES: No, Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!

ZombieJesus

Lost Belgian
DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #569 on: 06-13-2006 10:17 »

-Hey Bob, if I told you I slept with your wife, would be still be friends?
-No, Bill.
-Would we be enemies?
-Nope.
-Then what would we be?
-Even.
Xanfor

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« Reply #570 on: 06-13-2006 10:53 »
« Last Edit on: 06-13-2006 10:53 »

Is faster-than-light travel possible?


I have never really believed that light actually goes at the speed of light. Have we any proof? I worked out that it should go at root two times the speed of light (c) making the constant itself
irrelevant.
   --Graeme Winter


My fraternity brother Charles Jones (MIT '63) created a faster-than-light vehicle in 1960. A beam of light is reflected in a mirror. Approaching the mirror, the light's velocity is (+)c. After reflection it is -c. Ergo at the instant of reflection, its velocity is 0. When a vehicle passes the mirror, it goes faster than light.
   --A. D. Snider


No. No no no no no no. Most people think Star Trek has solved the problem of faster-than-light travel. I am much more fascinated by Star Trek's solution to the sound-in-a-vacuum problem.
   --Karen Lingel


"Yes!" E-mail uses delivery through electrical circuits, therefore traveling at the speed of light (one of the reasons for its popularity over the historically traditional US Postal "Service" ). America OnLine uses these same electrical circuits. It is well known that almost anything travels faster than AOL these days.
   --G. Borochoff


Yes. Faster than light travel is possible and can be readily demonstrated by making the mistake of having two dates show up at your place at the same time. I've done this and witnessed first hand the flight, which happens so fast that you can't see it.
   --P. Hughes


Of course faster-than-light travel is possible. However, the probability that your luggage will wind up at the wrong destination increases as the cube of the velocity.
   --Bob O'Hara


After my cat decided it was play time at 3 AM, he was forcefully accelerated from the bed. Quickly, his velocity reached the of light resulting in a mid-air white hot flash of spontaneous combustion (matter to energy.) Conversely, all internal energies (neuroelectrical, biochemical, etc.) were converted to matter. A strange ash covered the room, very similar to scoopable litter. The other possibility is that he landed on my camera equipment and has been hiding ever since.
   --Don Copeland


Of course, as a physics teacher I tell my students that faster-than-light travel is impossible, but that's just to crush their spirits.
   --LaNelle Ohlhausen


I happen to know something that is faster than light! Darkness.
Try this:  lock yourself inside a darkened room.  Then, slowly, open the door.  You can surely see the light coming in, but you can´t see the darkness going out.  That´s how fast it is!
(This is an amazing result, since darkness is known to be heavier than light: just ask any diver -- they will tell you that the deeper you go, the darker it gets.  Darkness sinks, while light floats).

Of course, that theory has one technical flaw. It is possible that the dark is not actually leaving the room but is instead being compressed into an infinitely small space in the corner of the room. This would also explain why the sun heats up the earth so well; all the dark in the world is being compressed into a singularity. This process creates an immese amount of heat, especially on the equator where the direct sun rays cause the greatest compression.

laptopmoerder

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #571 on: 06-13-2006 10:58 »

Bumper Stickers... mhmh, good idea...

(Blue text): "If this text is red, I am far too fast!"
Xanfor

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« Reply #572 on: 06-13-2006 11:04 »

A good number of shops sell negative ion generators, as it is thought by some that breathing negative ions boosts the immune system. I have also heard that you can save your money and pet your cat, as rubbing it's fur has the same effect. This is unfortunately non-scientific, because how can a negative ion be a cat ion?


What's a light-year?
One-third less calories than a regular year.


The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."

That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

Punching Bag

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #573 on: 06-22-2006 00:35 »

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Rumsfeld, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazillian'?"

 :laff:
chay´s head

Space Pope
****
« Reply #574 on: 06-22-2006 00:48 »

Ah, Less geeky jokes!!!

"What did one snowman say to the other snowman?"

Blane

Professor
*
« Reply #575 on: 06-22-2006 03:51 »

Have you seen the christopher reeves .gif?
no?
It's a .jpeg
chay´s head

Space Pope
****
« Reply #576 on: 06-22-2006 03:59 »

something about him now being dead?
Blane

Professor
*
« Reply #577 on: 06-22-2006 04:25 »

No, it was about how he used to be in a wheelchair. I guess he doesn't move much now either. Still funny though. He's dead, so we can't hurt his feelings.
Xanfor

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« Reply #578 on: 06-22-2006 07:28 »

Heard about the man who poisoned his wife with a razor?
He gave her arse a nick.

Sil

Professor
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« Reply #579 on: 06-22-2006 07:34 »

Where do you find a dog with no legs?


Where you left it  :D
Xanfor

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« Reply #580 on: 06-22-2006 07:44 »

Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn't put it down?

chay´s head

Space Pope
****
« Reply #581 on: 06-22-2006 09:36 »

Still the best!

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Punching Bag

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #582 on: 06-22-2006 11:04 »

Q: Who gives a shit about Bigfoot?

A: Men's asses.
Xanfor

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« Reply #583 on: 06-22-2006 14:07 »

How about those chemical workers? Are they unionized?

tyraniak

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #584 on: 06-24-2006 13:25 »

a man walks into a pharmacy and starts looking at the condom selection, the pharmacist asked the customer if he needs any help making a decision, the man says, "yes, I'm looking for condoms with an insecticide," the pharmacist asked the customer if he meant to say spermicide and the customer responds, "no, my wife has a bug up her ass, and I'm going in aftewr it"
transgender nerd under canada

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« Reply #585 on: 06-24-2006 14:06 »

Why didn't he just use a weed whacker? That would have saved so much time, effort, and chloroform.

Damn it, if Flood Control isn't re-set back to 60 seconds pretty damn soon, I'm going to grow a seventh testicle* in frustration.

*Please note that I did not say that I had six testicles, or even that the seventh one would be grown on my body.

tyraniak

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #586 on: 06-24-2006 19:02 »

A businessman goes to the roof of his building to smoke a cigarette and he sees a man holding a rifle.  The businessman asks what he's doing and the person tells him he's a hitman.  The businessman asks if he can hold the hitman's gun and look through the scope, and the hitman agrees.  The businessman then looks through the scope and at his house, through the window he can see his wife having sex with his neighbor.  The businessman then gives the rifle back to the hitman and says, "I'll give you $20,000 if you shoot my wife in the head and my neighbor in the dick."  The hitman then picks up the gun, looks into the scope and says "If I shoot now, I can save you $10,000" 
Xanfor

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« Reply #587 on: 06-25-2006 07:10 »

Love Letter from a Mathematician

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes,standing in your triangular garden.
Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset,when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.
With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

roarbot1x

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #588 on: 06-25-2006 09:32 »

whats the difference between a black baby and a white baby ? about 5 min in a microwave
alias_007

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #589 on: 06-25-2006 10:16 »

I heard scientists stopped cloning sheep because they kept falling asleep.
Xanfor

Moderator
DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #590 on: 06-25-2006 18:58 »

Why are dead post-docs always incinerated (not burned)?
The rot of a grad is always zero!
(a matter of life and div)

Ninaka

commandant cleavage
DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #591 on: 07-23-2006 20:01 »

BUMP
Heard this one on the radio this morning...

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I just love Brad Pitt! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."

M0le

Space Pope
****
« Reply #592 on: 07-24-2006 02:26 »
« Last Edit on: 07-24-2006 02:26 »

BRAD PITT'S HERE?!  :eek:  :love:
Ninaka

commandant cleavage
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« Reply #593 on: 07-24-2006 02:36 »

*SWOOSH* over your head  :p
Xanfor

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« Reply #594 on: 07-24-2006 13:48 »

A student was doing miserably on his oral final exam in General Toplogy. Exasperated by the student's abysmal performance up to that point, the professor asked the student "So, what do you know about topology?" The student replied, "I know the definition of a topologist." The professor asked him to state the definition, expecting to get the old saw about someone who can't tell the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. Instead, the student replied: "A topologist is someone who can't tell the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground, but who can tell the difference between his ass and two holes in the ground."

The student passed.

chay´s head

Space Pope
****
« Reply #595 on: 07-24-2006 23:38 »

Stop with you freaken specific jokes!

What do you call the guy in my office who works in accounting? Freddy! HAHAHA
CrapBag

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #596 on: 07-24-2006 23:44 »

I heard a good joke, but I forget it.

@chay- That worm in apple joke is honestly the best ever.
RS 2thou

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #597 on: 07-25-2006 02:29 »

> Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
 
>
> Customer:   "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
> through to enquires, can you help?".
>
> Operator:   "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
>
> Customer:   "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
>
> Operator:   "Sir, they are our opening hours".
>
>  ------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Samsung Electronics
>
> Caller:  "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
>
> Operator:   "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
> about".
>
> Caller:     "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
> that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
> telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
>
> Operator:   "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
>
>  -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> RAC Motoring Services
>
> Caller:         "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
> travelling in Australia?"
>
> Operator:   " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
>
>  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
>
> "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to
> the other side of the car?"
>
>  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Directory Enquiries
>
> Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
>
> Operator:  "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
>
> Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell
> off".
>
>  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
>
> Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
>
> Caller:  "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
>
>  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
> told a worried operator:
> "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number
> on".
>
>  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
>
> Customer:  "OK".
>
> Tech Support:  "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
>
> Customer:  "No".
>
> Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
>
> Customer:  "No".
>
> Tech Support:  "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
> point?".
>
> Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
>
>  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
> the 'OK' button displayed?"
>
> Customer:  "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
>
>  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
> that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
> file back again?".
>
>  ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
> long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is
> a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a
> recording
> monitoring the customer care department.
>
> Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is
> currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without
> Cause".
>
> Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I
> know why they record these conversations!): >
>
> Operator:  "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
>
> Caller:  "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>
> Operator:  "What sort of trouble??"
>
> Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
> away."
>
> Operator:  "Went away?"
>
> Caller:   "They disappeared."
>
> Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
>
> Caller:   "Nothing."
>
> Operator: "Nothing??"
>
> Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>
> Operator:   "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
>
> Caller: "How do I tell?"
>
> Operator:  "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
>
> Caller:  "What's a sea-prompt?"
>
> Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
>
> Caller:  "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
> type."
>
> Operator:   "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
>
> Caller:  "What's a monitor?"
>
> Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
> it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
>
> Caller:  "I don't know."
>
> Operator:   "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
> power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
>
> Caller:     "Yes, I think so."
>
> Operator:   "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
> plugged into the wall."
>
> Caller:     "Yes, it is."
>
> Operator:   "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
> were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
>
> Caller:  "No."
>
> Operator:   "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
> the other cable."
>
> Caller:     "Okay, here it is."
>
> Operator:   "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
> the back of your computer."
>
> Caller:     "I can't reach."
>
> Operator:   "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
>
> Caller:     "No."
>
> Operator:   "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
> over??"
>
> Caller:     "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
> because it's dark."
>
> Operator:   "Dark??"
>
> Caller:     "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
> coming in from the window."
>
> Operator:   "Well, turn on the office light then."
>
> Caller:     "I can't."
>
> Operator:   "No? Why not??"
>
> Caller:     "Because there's a power failure."
>
> Operator:   "A power............ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
> licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals  and packing stuff
> your computer came in??"
>
> Caller:     "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
>
> Operator:   "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
> like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
> from."
>
> Caller:     "Really? Is it that bad?"
>
> Operator:   "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>
> Caller:     "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
>
> Operator:   "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
>
Wooter

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #598 on: 09-01-2006 23:01 »

Werner Heisenberg was driving along the road one day when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked him "Do you know how fast you wrer going?" to which Heisenberg responded, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
canned eggs

Space Pope
****
« Reply #599 on: 09-01-2006 23:12 »

The one I heard was, an electron gets pulled over for speeding, and the cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?" and the electron says, "yeah, but I have no idea where I am."  It's funny because when you tell it, you get to make the electron sound all high.
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