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Author Topic: Guy you've never heard of writes something mediocre!  (Read 30087 times)
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Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #240 on: 07-27-2004 03:46 »
« Last Edit on: 07-27-2004 03:46 »

 
Quote
B: FIXED (Well, except the "abot" )
Whoops! I, uh, meant to do that. To harken back to Fear of a Bot Planet. Because... Um... Silence!

As for the pun, let's see how needlessly confusing I can be. It's actually a book on string theory, with a few early chapters devoted to basic background info (almost all of which is new to my ignorant ass). At the beginning of the chapter explaining all that quantum junk, there was a cute little scene set at a surreal fictional bar called the H-Bar. Ice rattles around like crazy in people's glasses, people walk through walls... Then came the big meaty science talk. Then they came back to the H-bar at the end of the chapter, explaning that it's an imaginary "What if Planck's Constant was way bigger than in the real world?" place. At which point, I slapped my head and went, "Oh! H-Bar! ħ!" and cooed for a while.

The revised Zapp line is great.

TOTP Tango!
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #241 on: 07-27-2004 22:09 »
« Last Edit on: 07-29-2004 00:00 »

I'll try and let this confusing, confusing finale speak for itself...
_______________________

Part Six

(Fry #1 and Leela #2 dash around a corner and through the hallway, and reach a supply closet.  Leela pushes a button on an electronic entry pad and the door springs open.  The two dart inside, and the door closes behind them)

Fry #1:  Well, it was unlocked, so what are the odds-

Leela #2:  Jackpot!  …finally some luck.

(She points over Fry’s shoulder to a box on a shelf.  Fry approaches it and reads a hand written label) 

Fry #1: “Timed mine with fifteen second delay.  Useful for destroying balls, or unclogging toilet, but not both.”

Leela: #2  That irresponsible idiot…(she glances at her Preventatron) Wait… assuming the other Fry alters my timeline, that means I’m going to disappear in one minute!

Fry #1:  And I hate to break it to you, but we don’t have time to get back there and set this up…

Leela #2:  You’re right, and even if we did, the Grivakks could be gone by now…

Fry #1:  Yeah, who knows?  You can’t hear anything through these walls.  (He raps on the thick metal door)

Leela #2: (thinking)  Unless, we were to get there before they do…

Fry #1:  You mean…

Leela #2:  We’ll just go back again!  We can ambush them as they get there!

Fry #1 (whining):  But I don’t want to go back...

Leela #2:  C’mon, you know you did it before!

Fry #1: (sigh) Fine… you first.

(Leela hits the button on her Preventatron, but nothing happens)

Leela #2 (frantic):  It doesn’t work!  The thing won’t activate for me twice within the same five minutes!

Fry #1:  That’s easy to get around, just take mine… (He shows her his version of the Preventatron)

Leela #2 (agitated):  Fry, that’s…  (reconsiders)… weird enough to work.

(The two swap Preventatrons)

Leela #2:  Ok… one, two, three!

*Flash*

7:30 … 7:29 … 7:28 … 7:27 … 7:26 … 7:25

*Flash*

(Fry #3 and Leela #3 appear in the supply closet.  They check their Preventatron displays.  Both read 4:57)

Leela #3:  Did we just… cheat space-time?

Fry #3:  Yeah!  Take that pseudo-science!

Leela #3:  OK, let’s get going… we still don’t have much time.

(The two exit the closet, and slowly head down the hallway)

(Cut to:  The men’s room door)

Leela #2:  It’s much worse than just that Fry; they’re going to destroy the whole ship after they take Zapp and me away. (Leela #2, Fry #2, and Fry #1 enter the bathroom)

(Fry #3 and Leela #3 scamper down the hallway and past the very same door, Fry with box in hand.  They arrive at the docking bay undetected)

(Cut to, Leela #3 mounting a mine on the airlock.  Fry #3 is pacing nervously, looking at his Preventatron)


Fry #3:  Leela, we’re running out of time… they’re going to be here any second.

Leela #3(worried):  This is taking longer that I thought… this bomb isn’t battle–ready. 

Fry #3:  Meaning?

Leela #3:  Some assembly required…

Fry #3:  Well, it better be ready soon, because it looks like they’re ready. (He points out the porthole; the Grivakk frigate can be seen approaching)

Leela #3: (snapping a control on to the front of the mine she has placed)  Fry, you hold the wheel on that airlock hatch as long as you can.  Try to keep it locked.

Fry #3:  Aye-aye, captain! (he looks out the window)  Here they come…
(He braces himself and grasps the metal wheel with both hands)

*CLUNK*

Leela #3 (pushing some buttons):  I just need a minute…

Fry #3:  We don’t have that!

(Grivakks grab the door on the other side.  Fry holds tight)

Leela #3 (nearly stabbing at the buttons with her fingers):  C’mon, c’mon!

(Banging can be heard on the door.  Fry is sweating profusely.  He loses his grip and the wheel starts to spin, he grabs at it and snags a hold after half a turn)

Fry #3 (livid)Damnit!

(This shout echoes through the docking bay, and catches the ear of a familiar face passing the bay entrance in the hallway.  It is Fry #2, en route to Leela #1 and Zapp)

Fry #2: (rushing to the airlock):  What’s going on?!

Fry #3:  Help me hold this door shut while Leela sets the bomb!

(Fry #2 grabs a hold of the wheel and the tug of war evens out a little)

Leela #3:  Almost…there…

Fry #3: (still losing grip): Hurry!

Leela  #3(hitting button):  Got it! (waving them on) Go!  Go!

15…

(Leela turns to run, as do the two Frys, but with no one holding the door, the wheel twirls and the door flings open. Grivakks rush the floor, the first two lunging to grab Leela and Fry #3)

Grivakk 1: (Holding Leela, oblivious to the nearby explosive)  How dare you try to thwart our abduction!  You’ll be punished along with- oof!

(He is blindsided by Fry #2 who wrestles him to the ground.  Leela #3 ducks free and turns to find both Frys incapacitated by the onrushing Grivakks)

8…

Fry #3: JUST  GO!  You can go back!  You can change this!

5…

(Leela #3 turns, glances back for a split second, then makes her decision to sprint towards the door.  Finally, a Grivakk notices what’s going on)

Grivakk (pointing hysterically):  Some one set us up the bomb!

2…

(The two Frys catch each other’s eye)

Fry #2 (reflective):  Beats fading away…

0.

(A small explosion rips the airlock apart as Leela #3 dives gracelessly through the docking bay door, sliding to a stop on the hardwood floor.  Before she can recover, the pressure change starts to drag her back towards the airlock.  Leela loses her grip on her Preventatron as they both recoil towards the void.  Suddenly, the door closes as an emergency barricade deploys, plugging the portal.  Leela’s momentum carries her careening into this barricade, followed by the Preventatron, which breaks into several pieces on impact.  They land in a slightly neater heap than Leela does)

(Leela struggles awkwardly to her feet, a bit woozy.  She reels to face the barricade)

Leela #3 (to herself):  Fry…

Barricade computer (loud)Attention.  Emergency barricade deployed.  Breach in the docking bay airlock. Hall pressure stabilized. Attention.

(Leela franticly searches the ground, discovering a ruined device and nothing more.  She picks it up and stares at it)

Leela #3 (weakly) :  I can’t go back… no one… can go back…

(Tears begin to well in her eye.  She spikes the Preventatron to the ground)

Leela #3 (lashing out):  Damnit Fry!  Why did you have to go and…

(She freezes up. A glimmer of realization shines through her wet eye)

Leela  #3(hopeful):  But, there still should be… (her face changes back to horror) … unless… oh God… 

(Leela breaks into a full sprint down the hallway, determination overshadowing her disheveled appearance; she races just out of sight of the party goers, who start to enter the hallway but are distracted by the barricade.)

(Cut to: the supply room, where Leela #2 and Fry #1 stand poised)

Leela #2: Ok… one, two-

(The door shoots open)

Leela #3: Stop!

 (Fry #1 turns just in time to be tackled to the ground)

Leela #3: Don't hit that button!

(Leela knocks the Preventatron out of Fry's hand)

Leela #3 (crying): Why do I have to keep watching you die?!

Fry #1:  What?

Leela #3:  (sobbing into his shoulder): I almost lost you… You didn't have to Fry... you didn't have to...

(Leela #3 fades away, clinging to Fry.  As Leela #2 stares on, stunned, The Preventatron on the floor hits zero.  That Preventatron and Leela #2 fade away, the device in Leela's hand falling to the ground)

(A confused Fry gets up and dusts himself off, trying to figure it all out.  He glances at the dropped device that Leela #2 once held, and decides to pick it up before leaving the supply closet)     

Fry (suddenly worried):  If two Leela's faded away... are there any left? (forcing optimism) There has to be...
 
(Regardless, he quickens his pace down the hall, eventually arriving at a mob of perplexed dinner guests at what used to be the docking bay.  He notices Leela #1, mistily gazing at the emergency barricade)

Fry#1 (relieved):  Leela!

Leela #1 (distraught):  Fry!  There you are!  We heard the barricade but we didn't know what had happened...and then you weren't in the bathroom, so I thought... I thought...

Fry (calming her): It's Ok Leela, I was down the hall by the... (realizing)  You...you really were worried about me?

Leela:  Well yeah Fry, it's not like I don't care about you...

(Fry turns to the emergency barricade, and a slight comprehension shows in his eyes.  He puts his arm on Leela's shoulder and leads her away from the commotion surrounding the area)

Fry:  I know, Leela... I know...

THE END

________________________
So, only there original Fry, Leela, and Preventatron remain.  That’s all that really matters…isn’t it? 

Hope you had as much fun as I did...


SlackJawedMoron

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #242 on: 07-27-2004 23:06 »
« Last Edit on: 07-28-2004 00:00 »

   
Quote
Grivakk (pointing hysterically): Some one set us up the bomb!

Oh, noooooooooooooooooo! You did it! You actually did it! How could you?! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!

And I can't decide if
 
Quote
Fry: I know, Leela... I know...
is a direct Empire Stikes Back reference, or just a eerie similarity. I suspect the later.

Oh well, this line:
   
Quote
Fry #3: Yeah! Take that pseudo-science!

Gave me a chuckle...

But I'm afraid you lost me on
   
Quote
Fry #1: “Timed mine with fifteen second delay. Useful for destroying balls, or unclogging toilet, but not both.”


Lack of puns? I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

But you handled the emotional stuff pretty well. I still prefer teh funny, but if something can make me go 'awwwwww', then I guess it gets points. And the shippy stuff was in the vein of the show, so no prob there.

I admit, trying to picture scenes in my head was a little dificult (this being a script, not actual prose), so I was slighlty lost during that commotion at the airlock. I got the jist, though.

And look! You got to kill characters! Always fun.

Good job... I just hope the next has more humour, which is why I watched the show, and read your stuff. You've got an annoying way with words. And puns. Damn your puns to high hell.
Gorky

Space Pope
****
« Reply #243 on: 07-27-2004 23:14 »

Great stuff, JBERGES. The humor was top-notch all the way, and the emotion (in this part especially) was dealt as delicately as the show itself handles it. Way better than anything that I could ever write, and certainly one of the best fics I've ever read (along with your other work).
Birdbot

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #244 on: 07-28-2004 01:06 »

Well, it's certainly confusing, but I think I understand...
 
Quote
(Fry #3 and Lela #3 appear
I think you mean Leela
 
Quote
Leela #3 (weekly) :
and weakly
Still fantastic.  smile
Lrrrr

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #245 on: 07-28-2004 01:44 »
« Last Edit on: 07-28-2004 01:44 »

HOLY CRAP!!!! NICE WORK this really reminds me of TKOS. it was the BEST thing i have EVER read in my ENTIRE life. i almost cryed on the last part LOL considering i hardly ever cry on storys :P. I hope that you keep on writeing these kind of storys. I got confused for a little while when Fry#1 and Leela#2 go back in time to become Fry and Leela #3. Very nice story.
zomit

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #246 on: 07-28-2004 01:54 »

Great story!  smile Have you started the next one yet? If so, when will it be here? If not, what do you think you should start doing?
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #247 on: 07-28-2004 03:58 »
« Last Edit on: 07-28-2004 03:58 »

I read it, then I reread parts 4 and 5 and read it again, and I'm... still not sure if I get it. But I know I love it.

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Fry #1:  That’s easy to get around, just take mine… (He shows her his version of the Preventatron)

Leela #2 (agitated):  Fry, that’s…  (reconsiders)… weird enough to work.

[snip]

Leela #3:  Did we just… cheat space-time?

Fry #3:  Yeah!  Take that pseudo-science!
That whole section made me so happy.

 
Quote
Leela’s momentum carries her careening into this barricade, followed by the Preventatron, which breaks into several pieces on impact.  They land in a slightly neater heap than Leela does
I like how it's in script form, but you still manage to phrase the stage directions in interesting ways. I appreciated that one in particular.

 
Quote
Leela #3 fades away, clinging to Fry.
Great image.

 
Quote
Fry (calming her): It's Ok Leela, I was down the hall by the... (realizing)  You...you really were worried about me?

Leela:  Well yeah Fry, it's not like I don't care about you...

(Fry turns to the emergency barricade, and a slight comprehension shows in his eyes.  He puts his arm on Leela's shoulder and leads her away from the commotion surrounding the area)

Fry:  I know, Leela... I know...

THE END
It's official. I am utterly confused. But until I've read it enough times to wrap my soft, human brain around what the hell went on, I can console myself with the fact that it ended shippily ever after.

Nitpicks:
 
Quote
The Grivakks rush the floor, the first two lunching to grab Leela and Fry #3
Mmm... Lunching. Was that maybe meant to be lurching or lunging?

 
Quote
Leela franticly searches the ground,
It should be spelled frantically.

Overall, you really outdid yourself this time. I think this was your best work yet. However, I second SJM's request for a more joke-centric next story. This was deliciously plot-heavy and romantic, but I'd love to see something lighthearted and silly next. Or not. Whatever you write, I eat it up, so it's all gravy.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #248 on: 07-28-2004 04:10 »

lighthearted and silly is good, however i am a big fan of plot and romance. So i'm happy either way! As long as there's romance.

*Does the happy shipper dance that looks suspiciously like how Amy Lee dances around at concerts*
Crash_7

Professor
*
« Reply #249 on: 07-28-2004 08:16 »

Very nice.  Confusing as hell, but very nice indeed.   smile  I imagine if this was an actual episode, the characters would be confused too, which would add another level of humor to it.  So, yeah, it's all good.
Bushmeister

Professor
*
« Reply #250 on: 07-28-2004 08:23 »

Tricky to get your head round this nlast bit, what with all the Frys and Leelas running amok. However it all made sense to me as I read on and the humour and shippiness of this last part mesh really well, instead of being mutually exclusive. A great finale to an excellent episode script!
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #251 on: 07-28-2004 09:23 »
« Last Edit on: 07-28-2004 09:23 »

   
Quote
Originally posted by SlackJawedMoron:
Oh, noooooooooooooooooo! You did it! You actually did it! How could you?! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!

I knew that line would make someone say that.  Actually, I knew it would be you...
_________
@Birbot:  FIXED and FIXED.  Thanks.
_________
@TL:

   
Quote
Mmm... Lunching. Was that maybe meant to be lurching or lunging?

That...that was my...uh...tribute to EvilLunch...yeah.  wooh.  go EL.  Fine, I'll change it.

   
Quote
It should be spelled frantically.

 http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=Franticly

It's all good, they're both acceptable.

   
Quote
I like how it's in script form, but you still manage to phrase the stage directions in interesting ways. I appreciated that one in particular.

And I appreciate that you always seem to appreciate the specific parts I appreciate,  which is why you're still cool.

EDIT:  hey, you're a delivery boy! *high-five*
_________

   
Quote
Originally posted by zomit:
Great story!     smile Have you started the next one yet? If so, when will it be here? If not, what do you think you should start doing?

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their support, and for sticking here and telling me nice things.  I must say that after finishing this story, I feel a bit more accomplished for making it all work, but also sadly vaccant...I'm stuck thinking "Well, now what?"

And that's why I truly hate to say it, but I think I'm done for a while.  I know if I were to start a fourth fic now, it would seem forced and tired.  It wouldn't be up to standards.  Quite frankly, SJM has me pinned.  I am out of jokes, and I'm not afraid to admit that after 4 straight months and 70 pages of comedic writing.  No worries though, ideas replenish and I will write again, if you all want me to.  I'll probably take at least the month of August off, seeing as I'm leaving for vacation in a week, and then I have the whole "moving back to college" process to go through.  I'll reevaluate the situation when I'm adjusted to college life again.  Trust me, I'll most likely be back at it by September, I just like you guys too much to leave you hanging (oh, I like writing as well).


Well, I'm done lamenting. This thing still needs a friggin title, though!  Any suggestions... please?
SlackJawedMoron

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #252 on: 07-28-2004 09:34 »
« Last Edit on: 07-28-2004 09:34 »

Ah, well, it was fun while it lasted. Thanks, Jberges, for providing me with a nicotine patch of Futurama goodness to wait out the long months...

I hope I can return the favour, when I try my hand at script writing in the adventure game...

I hope real life provides more inspiration for writing scripts for a science-fiction TV series!   smile


Title...

How about "Two's company, Three's a paradox?"
Kloudes

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #253 on: 07-28-2004 10:00 »

Lurker emerges to say..

 
Quote
Originally posted by Lrrrr:
HOLY CRAP!!!! NICE WORK this really reminds me of TKOS. it was the BEST thing i have EVER read in my ENTIRE life. i almost cryed on the last part LOL considering i hardly ever cry on storys :P.

Whoa there, try not to hurt yourself.  I wish I got that sort of praise from random people...

 
Quote
Originally posted by SlackJawedMoron
Title...

How about "Two's company, Three's a paradox?"

I like it.  Very clever.

Great job, as always, JBERGES.  I definitely enjoyed this one the most.  And finally, in a bit of contrast, I like the shippy.  More shippy please!


Shaucker

Professor
*
« Reply #254 on: 07-28-2004 10:18 »

Welcome to PEEL, Kloudes. I suggest reading the FAQ, but I won't insist because you have'nt yet made any n00b mistakes.

JBERGES, I apologize for missing those typos. It was late and I was tired  smile But I am relieved to see a level of comprehension from everyone else without it being explained to them...like with me
Lrrrr

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #255 on: 07-28-2004 19:21 »

how about this for a title (its not that clever but i'd thought i would sugest it) "There and Back Again a Futurama Tale" or what ever you find fit to put in place of Futurama :P
Nosebleed

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #256 on: 07-28-2004 19:37 »
« Last Edit on: 07-29-2004 00:00 »

Now the end is a bit confusing, but then again, how could one make a non-confusing ending in this situation? There was no big surprise either, but the storyline is good and solid. Can't say you should change anything, really. Good work.

Will we see more of your writing in close future? I really need to read every sentence of every post, nasty habit.
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #257 on: 07-29-2004 05:29 »
« Last Edit on: 07-29-2004 05:29 »

Aww. I'm going to miss gushing over these things! Rest assured that I'll be rereading them (especially the most recent, which, now that I understand it, has been promoted to best. story. ever.) every so often during the hiatus and that I'll be back here as soon as you are, writing overly wordy rave reviews and making the other groupies look especially smart, witty, and articulate by comparison. And rockin' the extraneous commas and run on sentences like a mofo. Have a good vacation!

edited to blast one extraneous comma into oblivion
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #258 on: 07-29-2004 19:33 »

No!  Don't use the word ‘hiatus’!  That means ‘death’ to Futurama fans!  I will be back, and you all better be too!  Luckily for me, my little fan base consists of those who I consider to be the funniest, most generally enjoyable people on these boards, and I refuse to give that up (now give yourselves all a pat on the back).

Shaucker, no need to apologize.  I missed those typos as well; and besides, you were still able to clue me in on how to make the ending slightly less confusing.

Speaking of the completed fanfic, the idea of going back in time in order to change the future, then failing and trying again has sparked my title:

The ButterFry Effect

(Everyone:  Boooooooo!)

SJM, your title was a close second, followed by the cringe-worthy idea, “Time Loopin’ the Third”

So, I’ll be back in a long while with new stories to tell.  Until then, well, I’ll still be around.  It’s not like I’ll be gaining a life or anything. 

Brevity is the soul of
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #259 on: 07-29-2004 19:41 »

*sobs* Don't leave us! We love you! *sobs*

Love the title you decided on. The actual Butterfly Effect movie left me so traumatized.
EvilLunch

Professor
*
« Reply #260 on: 07-29-2004 19:44 »

Well, you know how terrible I am at naming things, but.. A rose by any other name, you know? I don't think the title is terribly important considering that this is the best Futurama fic I've read in a loooong time.
j_ohanley

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #261 on: 07-29-2004 23:46 »

Thanks JBERGES, you've given us a trio of stories up to par with some of the better episodes on the show. I normally dislike Fanfics in all their forms, but these were exceptions.

Odd, as a heterosexual male, I seem to be unique in your fanbase. *questions own gender preferences* Ack! Damn it!

Oh well, my real question. In the confusingness of the final part, there seemed to be some loose ends. What happened to the Zapper? And Kif and Amy? They just seemed to drop out of things. Also, kudos for basically excluding Bender just this once. He's great and all that, but sometimes he just needs to step down and let more interesting characters do their thing.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #262 on: 07-29-2004 23:59 »
« Last Edit on: 07-30-2004 00:00 »

Well, I assume Zapp would be in the crowd of people at the end, standing by the barricade.  Or, maybe he's looking for Kif to find out what to do about the hull breach.  I didn't give him any lines, and I feel he would ruin the moment at the end if I did.   Meanwhile, Kif and Amy would still be making out in the escape pod, seeing as the doors are soundproof, and no one opened them.

 
Quote
He's great and all that, but sometimes he just needs to step down and let more interesting characters do their thing.

I completely agree.
Lrrrr

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #263 on: 07-30-2004 00:51 »

Thats a great title THANK GOD you didnt use mine i was going to post that mine was a stupid title and to pretend it is not even there but you beat me to it and I will say this one more time keep up the good work (i will say it even more when you come out with more fan fics)
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #264 on: 08-26-2004 21:04 »

Page 3 of fanfiction?   …this just cannot stand.

OK, OK… I’m back… sort of.

A small scene I had in mind has escalated into a full on plot idea much earlier than I thought.  Therefore, I will be posting part one of my next story in a couple of days.  That’s the good news (assuming you’re one of the 7 that reads my work).  The bad news is that this story will be written at my leisure, and unfortunately, most of my time will be spent on other things.  Updates will not be every six days as before, but more like whenever I have some free time  (i.e. not often).  Additionally, further delay may be incurred because I’m not just going to blurt this one out, but take my time with it.  I’m hoping to replicate the flow and style of my first story, assuming I come up with some good material (prays to the humor gods)

So, there it is, the good and the bad.  I may not be as consistent as before, but at least it’s something.   First part of my currently untitled story will be posted… oh, lets say Monday.  I’ll finish it up over the weekend.

Until then, enjoy this free-hand sketch I did because Evil Lunch cajoled me into drawing something:




(actually, my favorite part is my signature, I almost never get that damned thing right)
SlackJawedMoron

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #265 on: 08-26-2004 22:14 »

At your leisure? Hey, you're workin' for us now, pal. You shall do as we command, lest we shatter your non-writing hand with a heavy block of ice.

Still, as long as you're still writing good stuff, you can keep your precious fingers. And that picture looks alright, considering what vile pit it sprang from.
M0le

Space Pope
****
« Reply #266 on: 08-27-2004 02:26 »
« Last Edit on: 08-27-2004 02:26 »

Thank you for bringing life back to this section. When you stopped writing fanfics, the whole Fan Section just collapsed. Oh, sure there was Daniela's thread, and TheVoices artwork, but what it needed was some more atomic-powered-uber-lesbian-attracting-writer-thing.
(that's you)   wink
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #267 on: 08-29-2004 08:59 »

 
Quote
Taken out of context from M0le's post:
...atomic-powered-uber-lesbian...
[Hermes]You rang?[/Hermes]

I just noticed that this was back on page one, and I actually gasped. Then I think I squeed, except I'm not quite sure what that means. I can't wait 'til... *consults calendar* tomorrow? Yes! Three cheers for the J Burger!
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #268 on: 08-29-2004 09:09 »

you squeed too?
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #269 on: 08-29-2004 19:24 »
« Last Edit on: 08-30-2004 00:00 »

Well, it’s Monday in Europe, or something…
And also,  Squee?   

Anyway, glad I still have some fans out there, makes me kind of upset that it may be many, many weeks before the next part comes out.  All I can say is that I’ll try, and that at some point this story will be completed; I won’t abandon it.  Well, now that it’s all hyped up, I hope you like the 3 ½ pages I do have completed. 
_____________________________ ____________


Untitled; Part 1

(Scene opens on Fry rummaging through a box of gadgets in the Professor’s lab.  He tosses a few bladed apparatuses aside)

Fry:  Aha!

(He triumphantly holds up the target of his quest, an ordinary turkey baster)

Fry:  I hope this is what Bender wanted. Maybe it will make… whatever this is taste good.

(He picks up a pan of hirsute, unidentifiable meat from a table and continues through the lab.  Along the way, he passes a metallic booth, and pauses to look at it)

(Booth Sign:  Lambaster 6000)

(Fry looks at the meat in the pan, then his baster, then the sign, then the booth… then the meat, then the booth again, then the sign, then the sign…)

(Cut to:  The bathroom.  Amy is reapplying makeup)


Fry (off camera):YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Amy jolts at the noise and makeup smears across her face as a torrent of crashes is heard in the distance)

(Cut to Opening Credits and Music)

Caption:
THIS IS NOT JUST A SHOW.  DON’T RELAX.

(Scene opens on Fry, Leela, and Bender sitting on the couch.  Amy is standing, adjusting her make-up with a handheld mirror.  Hermes bursts into the room.)

Hermes (panicked):  Everyone!  The Professor’s had a stroke!

Fry/Leela/Amy:  (gasp!)

Hermes (normal):  …of genius!

Fry/Leela/Amy:  Oh.

(Farnsworth enters, smiling)

Farnsworth:  It’s true!  The idea came to me while I was having a stroke…

(A remote control in his left hand drops to the ground as his arm goes limp.  He nonchalantly picks it up with his other hand)

Farnsworth:  I call it… the flux capacitor!

Fry (alarmed):  No!  No!  Not with the time travel again!

Farnsworth (confused): What? They’re just ordinary capacitors with special flux built into the leads for efficient soldering.
 
Leela:  Where’d you get that idea Fry?

Fry (befuddled): I don’t know.  For some reason I thought...uh… hmm…. (He drifts off into thought.  Bender snaps him out of it)

Bender (rapping on Fry’s head):  Hello!  McFry!  Pay attention!

Farnsworth:  Anyhow, you’ll be delivering quite a few of them...

(He hits a button, and a ceiling tile slides open.  Thousands of capacitors fall to the ground next to the crew)   

Bender:  Neat!

Leela: Since when did the ceiling do that?

(Bender grabs the control from the Professor and presses arbitrary buttons, causing random ceiling tiles to slide open, each dropping its contents.  A coffin, the obelisk from 2001: A Space Odyssey, then Zoidberg fall to the ground)

Zoidberg (hitting the ground):  Oof!  Oh no!  My loft!  My beautiful loft… ohh… I’ll never find another apartment in my price range.

Fry:  What’s your price range?

Zoidberg:  Well, zero to… uh… this.  (He produces a claw-full of rotting cheese, possibly Gouda, from his pocket)

Farnsworth:  Moving on… (he motions for everyone to follow)

(Cut to: the conference table as everyone enters the room)

Farnsworth:  You’ll be making the delivery to a friend of mine at Mensa.  (He hits a button on his remote, activating the holographic projector)

(A star map appears, highlighting the constellation)

Computer:  This is Mensa.

Farnsworth:  No, stupid!  (He kicks the machine)

(The hologram distorts, then fades to a picture of a small terra-formed planet)

Computer:  This is also Mensa. 

Farnsworth:  The planet Mensa, founded in-

Computer:  It was an understandable mistake.

Farnsworth (agitated): Founded in 2916 by the most-

Computer:  I mean, I have three files labeled Mensa, and-

Farnsworth:  Shut up!

(He hits a button on the remote, and the ceiling tile above the machine slides open. A load of bricks and a single feather fall on the mainframe, destroying it.  Electronics spark, and the room goes pitch black)

Leela (suspicious):  Fry, that had better be Bender checking if I have a wallet to steal…

Bender (nonchalant):  It is.

Amy:  Leela, you carry a wallet?  Do you need to borrow one of my purses or something?

*Whack!*

*Thud*

Clap! Clap!


(Emergency lighting illuminates the room again.  We find Leela merely glaring in Amy’s direction.  Zoidberg is on the ground again and Hermes is nowhere to be seen.)

Zoidberg (sad):  I landed on my bartering cheese...

Farnsworth:  Well, anyway, the planet was founded in 2916 by some of the most intelligent people and heads on Earth.  They live a life of enrichment there, away from the feeblemindedness and banality of this planet.

Amy:  Bleesh… how arrogant can you get?

Farnsworth:  Very.  So whoever it is that usually goes on these deliveries, try to stay on you smartest behavior.

Fry (impetuous):  Check!

(Leela gives Fry a look; he takes a second to notice)

Fry:  What?  I’ll be fine…

Leela:  Fry, you’re the one that managed to swallow your own pants button yesterday.

Fry (dejected):  I thought it was candy…

Leela:  And then you ate the safety pin I gave you to hold the pants together!

Fry (dejected):  I thought it was a paper clip…
_____________________________ _______________

Please tell me what you think, what with the critiquing and commenting and such.  It’s greatly appreciated, as always; perhaps even more so for the first part of a new story.
Shaucker

Professor
*
« Reply #270 on: 08-29-2004 20:48 »

I laugh, although I don't much get the opening 0_o.
Love the "McFry" joke, and the bartering cheese.
Crash_7

Professor
*
« Reply #271 on: 08-29-2004 21:33 »

Yeah, the opening kinda whooshed over my head as well.  But other than that, very funny.  Good stuff.
Kloudes

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #272 on: 08-29-2004 21:48 »

*gasp!*  You referenced Squee!  I love you!  (Though, sadly, I'm not a lesbian)  Bartering cheese, definitely funny.  The last joke ("I thought it was a paper clip..." ) made me laugh aloud.  The word 'dejected' made it.

Quietly awaiting more.
M0le

Space Pope
****
« Reply #273 on: 08-30-2004 02:28 »

The best bits:
 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Leela: Fry, you’re the one that managed to swallow your own pants button yesterday.
Fry (dejected): I thought it was candy…
Leela: And then you ate the safety pin I gave you to hold the pants together!
Fry (dejected): I thought it was a paper clip…

Hermes (panicked): Everyone! The Professor’s had a stroke!
Fry/Leela/Amy: (gasp!)
Hermes (normal): …of genius!
Fry/Leela/Amy: Oh.
(Farnsworth enters, smiling)
Farnsworth: It’s true! The idea came to me while I was having a stroke…

laff
I didn't get the McFry joke.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #274 on: 08-30-2004 02:51 »

i as well didn't get the opening gag. But everything after that was the same standard of brilliance i've come to expect from a Berges-fic.

*Does expected dance of happy*
SlackJawedMoron

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #275 on: 08-30-2004 03:04 »

McFry = McFly, as in Marty McFly. Back to the Future. Time travel and all that.

Great, marvelous, stupendous, cloolsome, but I didn't quite understand your opening gag. Ah, well...

Mole mentioned my favourite bits. And me, Zoidberg!
Tongue Luck

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #276 on: 08-30-2004 03:22 »

So... If "Monday" is code for Sunday, then "many, many weeks" actually means...?

Yeah. Okay.

But, you know, the suspense is instant and killer when you continue living up to that ever-mounting hype of yours. Where'd you hide the damn mediocrity? A pox on you, with your ideas and your jokes and your grip on the characters and your big fancy words! Hirsute? Why not just say pubey? Answer me that, JBERGES. Answer me that.

Um, as I was saying. I loved the Mensa bickering and the ceiling gags and the jokes M0le quoted. But add me to the list of people confused by the cold opening. Oh well. Confused and amused went hand in hand, so it's not bothering me much.
Quotables:
 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
Caption:
THIS IS NOT JUST A SHOW.  DON’T RELAX.
Laying an MST3K shoutout on us, eh? Excellent. Every time someone makes new joke out of something already funny, an angel... I don't know, gets a coupon for a free sub sandwich or something.

 
Quote
Zoidberg:  Well, zero to… uh… this.  (He produces a claw-full of rotting cheese, possibly Gouda, from his pocket)
Hey, would you look at that? Cheese is funny again! I may be the only one, but "possibly Gouda" made me laugh out loud (and not in the lying internet way), even though I'm not sure why.

 
Quote
Leela (suspicious): Fry, that had better be Bender checking if I have a wallet to steal…
I'm pretty sure I've said it before, but I really like it when the ship is played for laughs. Horny laughs. So yay!

One subatomic nitpick:
 
Quote
I’ll never find another apartment in my price-range.

Fry: What’s your price range?
It's a little inconsistent to have the hyphen in one sentence, then the same phrase sans hyphen in the next.
EvilLunch

Professor
*
« Reply #277 on: 08-30-2004 16:15 »

Tongue Luck, haven't seen you around too much lately..!
Ah well, you've done it again.. Or at least, you've started to do it again. So hurry up and finish it already!
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #278 on: 08-30-2004 17:34 »
« Last Edit on: 08-30-2004 17:34 »

And as an added note to non Back to the Future watchers, the “flux capacitor” is what made time travel possible in that movie.

Thanks for the kind words, everyone.  I personally liked the paperclip joke as well.  And who knows, maybe the next part will be out in a week or two… it’s just not very likely.

Anyway, I think you all actually got the opening joke, but it wasn't funny, so you're all deceiving yourselves into thinking you just didn't get it.  That’s very nice of you.  I’ll guess I’ll explain it anyway:

Bender asked Fry for a baster, to use on whatever disgusting food he was going to cook.  Fry retrieves one from the Professor’s lab, and goes to return said baster and food to Bender.  Still in the lab, Fry passes an invention called the “Lambaster 6000.” Fry, thinking it has something to do with basting (or maybe even lamb basting), decides to give it a try.  The pun here being that “lambaste” means to beat severely.  So, we hear Fry being beaten in the distance while Amy tries to apply makeup.  I guess I really bombed on that one, should I rewrite it? 

Both EL and TL haven’t been around too much.  And shame on you Tongue Luck for listing no way of contacting you.  Now I can’t stalk with you and try to convince you to write your own fanfiction, because I think it would be very funny.  In fact, shame on everyone that leaves no way for me to bother them, you’re only making it worse for the people that do.

P.S.  Fixed the hyphen.  I used "hirsute" instead of "pubey" because I predicted you would use "sans" instead of "without"
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #279 on: 08-30-2004 17:38 »

and that was your ultimate downfall Berges. You assume we have a substancial vocabulary. Lambaste is not a word i use often. Or ever. or even heard before. Stop lording your knowledge over us damnit!
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