Okay I've just written my first one (It's not the PEEL one, that comes soon hopefully). By the way, I don't like to write in scripts. I'd rather write it as if it's a book. so that's what i've done.
Fame and Misfortune
The world sweltered. It was a hot day; to be truthful it was a hot month. The day didn’t look too promising when the couch suddenly burst into flames during Fry’s early morning cartoons. He barely acknowledged the flames instead entranced in what the cartoon version of Zapp Brannigan was doing.
“Don’t worry.” Said Bender.
“I won’t.” Said Fry barely moving.
“I’ll handle this.” Said Bender. “The best way to put out a fire is by pouring some kind of liquid over it. Any kind of liquid will do.” Bender reached over for the bottle he was just drinking.
“No.” Said Zoidberg. “You can’t pour alcohol on it.”
“Watch me.” Said Bender, he tipped the bottle over the fire, which promptly escalated.
“I stand corrected.” Said Zoidberg. “You were able.” The fire quickly spread throughout the room and then onwards to the rest of the building.
“It didn’t seem to help much though.” Said Bender. “I told you that stupid idea would never work.”
The building was quickly evacuated. The Professor, Leela, Hermes and Amy stood in the street.
“Well.” Said the professor. “That could have been bad. I’m happy that everyone got out just fine.” He folded his arms and turned away.
“But Fry, Bender and Zoidberg are still in there.” Said Leela.
“Help!” Yelled someone still in the building. “Somebody’s locked Scruffy in his room!” The shouting went unheeded, but the professor visibly brightened to Leela’s words.
“Really?” He asked. “Then the game is still on. I’m making you captain because of that helpful and insightful comment.”
“But I already am captain.” Said Leela.
“Do you want to be suddenly demoted then?” Asked the professor. There was a silhouette in the doorway, a man carrying two bodies. As the man walked closer they could see it was Fry carrying Bender and Zoidberg. Zoidberg had clearly fainted but Bender just wanted a free ride. Fry dumped the two in front of the group.
“Has anyone called the fire department?” Asked Fry breathlessly.
“Fire department?” Asked Amy.
“You know, that group of people who come and put fires out.” Said Fry.
“The fire department split up in 2460, creative differences.” Said Leela.
“How come you all seem to know the dates of when things happened?” Fry asked.
“We paid attention in our history lessons.” Said Hermes.
“Professor, have you got some kind of gadget that we could put the fire out with?” Asked Fry.
“No.” Said the professor.
“What none?” Asked Fry.
“Yep.” Said the professor. “Absolutely none.”
“That is so uncharacteristic of you.” Said Fry.
“I do have an invention for teleporting us instantly to you.” Said the professor.
“Well as useful as that sounds…” Fry trailed off. “Bender, you’ve got some kind of fire putting out attachment right?”
“Nope.” Said Bender.
“What is up with the universe this morning?” Asked Fry. “Okay then Leela, I guess its up to you to save the day.”
“I’m trying to get a suntan.” Said Leela.
“Zoidberg?” Fry asked.
“I’m still unconscious.” Said Zoidberg.
“Then I guess it’s up to me.” Said Fry. “Or maybe Hermes?”
“I’m not even dignifying that with a response.” Said Hermes. “Now get in there and save our precious building.” Fry turned and walked back into the building.
Sometime later, after a game of chess on the street corner, the fire was finally out. The crowd that had gathered clapped enthusiastically as Fry emerged from the building with Scruffy in his arms.
“Scruffy won’t forget this.” He was sobbing. The newsmonster Morbo and his fellow newsreader Linda had set up a table at the front of the crowd.
“We have with us today Philip Fry of Planet Express who has just stopped the first fire in 500 years.” Said Linda. “How do you feel?”
“I’m in agony.” Said Fry. Morbo laughed.
“You do realise Mr Fry, that even a fine specimen of a human Adonis like you is no match for the geekiest, chess playing member of my race?” Asked Morbo.
“I’ve never really thought about it.” Said Fry.
“Have you any advice for those watching at home who may one day encounter a fire?” Asked Linda.
“Whatever you do don’t throw fuel at it.” Said Fry. “Especially if it’s explosive fuel.”
“Okay. That’s a wrap.” Said Linda. She stood up and walked off.
“You call that miserable performance an interview?” Demanded Morbo. “When we invade I shall have you crushed first!” Morbo stomped off after Linda and Fry collapsed onto the desk. The crowd parted and a man dressed up like a pirate approached Fry.
“Hey man.” He said. “I’m Nigel Starling, I’m a talent spotter.”
“Why are you dressed like a pirate?” Groaned Fry.
“I’m entertaining a party of eight year olds just across the street.” Said Nigel. “Anyway I think you show real talent and I’d like to put you into showbusiness. I reckon I could find a fad such as you a job instantly.”
“A fad?” Asked Fry. “Me?” This seemed to cheer him up.
“Yep.” Said Nigel. “Just sign this and we’ll have you going places so fast you won’t be able to see what’s in front of you and you’ll bump into them.” He spread a contract on the table. Fry leaned over and signed it.
“Okay now.” Said Nigel. “I’ll be in touch, but I think that those eight year olds will be getting pretty restless by now.” Nigel walked back through the crowd.
Fry was sat staring at the telephone.
“That’s not healthy.” Said Bender, opening the fridge and taking a swig of the rancid milk. “You’ve been sat there for two whole days.”
“It can’t be long till he calls then can it?” Asked Fry.
“Look, I’m your best friend so this is hard for me to say…” Said Bender. “…But you have no discernible talent in any shape or form. I’ve seen rocks that can do better and more interesting tricks than you can.”
“So what are you saying?” Asked Fry.
“I’m saying he was very obviously having you on.” Said Bender.
“Does everyone feel the same?” Asked Fry. There was a general consensus of yeses.
“I don’t.” Said Zoidberg.
“Nobody believes in me?” Asked Fry.
“I do.” Said Zoidberg.
“It’s not that we don’t believe in you. Its just that you have no talent whatsoever.” Said the professor. The phone rang. Fry picked it up.
“Hello.” He said.
“Is this Philip Fry?” Asked the voice on the other end in a hushed whisper.
“Yes.” Said Fry.
“Come and meet me down at the pizza palace, and bring money.” Whispered the voice. “And don’t tell anyone where you are going.”
The Pizza Palace was a five star castle filled to the brim with rather tasteless pizza motifs, but good service. Fry sat down at the table where Nigel was. He was dressed as a squirrel.
“Another party?” Asked Fry.
“No, this suit’s just for pleasure.” Said Nigel. “Now Fry I’ve been asking around and I’ve managed to land you a guest role in tonight’s episode of Everyone Loves Hypnotoad.”
“Wow.” Said Fry. “What part do I play?”
“Guy who sits next to Hypnotoad and agrees with whatever he’s saying.” Said Nigel. “This’ll be a bit of good publicity for you.”
“But I can do so much more than just agree with someone.” Said Fry. “I could be like buying something at a book store. Check this out.” Fry put on a posh voice. “Excuse me my good sir, do you have any books by Tony Randall?”
“Well.” Said Nigel. “As good as that was. I think we’ll just stick with you agreeing to things.”
“Okay I can do that.” Said Fry.
Fry relaxed on the couch he had bought with his newly earned fame, curiously enough it looked exactly like the old couch. He was watching himself on some detective show. Leela was sat on the chair, which he had bought and looked exactly like the old chair, and read Time magazine. Fry’s face was on the cover.
“This is so exciting.” Said Fry. “I wonder who could have done such appalling murders.”
“Fry, you were in the episode.” Said Leela. “You know it was you.”
“It was me?” Fry asked, shocked. “They’ll never take me alive.” Zoidberg walked in with a fake moustache and a box full of pirate outfits.
“Hello everyone.” Said Zoidberg. “We’re going to see my uncle, so you’ll need to dress up as pirates.”
“Ooh, look.” Said Fry. “I’m on the news again.”
“It is now official.” Said Morbo. “Pathetic human Philip Fry is last month’s flavour of the month.”
“Hooray.” Said Fry. “Now I’m finally not in the spotlight any more. I can get back to my normal life of slobbing around.” His picture on the front of time magazine changed to a picture of Calculon.
“And you weren’t slobbing around while in the spotlight?” Asked Leela. The phone rang. Fry picked it up.
“Hello.” He said.
“Is that Philip Fry?” Asked the voice.
“Yep.” Said Fry. “Is that you Nigel?”
“Meet me at the pizza palace again. And you might as well bring money.” Said Nigel.
They were once again in the pizza palace. Nigel was wearing a doctor’s outfit.
“Fry.” He said. “I know you’ve been dubbed last month’s old news, and all that. But I’m sure I can still find work for you.”
“You can?” Asked Fry. “Something tells me not to go through with it (it might be the blood all over your outfit) but what the hell. Let’s do it.”
“It’s a show being filmed right now, next door. You’re playing one of the patients.” Said Nigel. “Now come on. Let’s get over there.”
The room was quite small and very sterile. Just like a real hospital it gave fry the creeping heebie jeebies. He lay down on a bed while a man with big thick black eyebrows pretended to be a doctor.
“Shouldn’t there be a camera or something?” Asked Fry. “I mean, I’m no expert on making TV or anything but I’m pretty sure there should be a camera.”
“Shush now you brilliant specimen of a TV Star.” Said the man with big black eyebrows before covering his face with an anaesthetic mask.
“Hey.” Said Fry. “Someone seems to have turned the anaesthetic on.” The world went black.
The world was wet, and tasted god-awful. Fry tried to spit out the water but found it didn’t make much of a difference. He tried to stretch his arms but found that he couldn’t.
“What’s going on?” He asked. “Where am I?” The words didn’t sound right under this liquid. He forced his eyes open and found himself in a small dark room covered with cobwebs, on a shelf, in a jar.
“Hey there junior.” Said a head next to him. “You might remember me from such fads as last month with my hit song: Madness In Carribeo 12.”
“Erm.” Said Fry. “No.” The head looked offended.
“Don’t mind Brakka there.” Said a head on the shelf above. “He’s not used to being a head in a jar yet.”
“Who are you?” Asked Fry.
“I’m Cameron from Big Brother.” Said the head. “So did you sign a contract with Nigel Starling then?” There was a pause. “I said…”
“Yeah I heard.” Said Fry. “I just don’t want to talk to you.”
“So, Mr…?” Brakka asked.
“Fry.” Said Fry.
“Fry, did you sign a contract with Nigel Starling?” Asked Brakka.
“Yeah!” Said Fry, shocked. “How do you lot know about Nigel Starling.”
“We all signed contracts with him.” Said a voice from below him. “I’m that girl from Aqua.”
“The one with that horrible song?” Asked Fry.
“Yep.” Said the girl from Aqua. “I’m the one with the horrible song.”
“Funny.” Said Fry. “I always thought you’d be offended when someone says that.”
“I was for the first million times, then the next million times I was a bit annoyed, then the next million times I was indifferent, then the next million times I started to agree with them, then the final million times I’ve totally agreed with them down to the point where I think I should never be allowed to sing again.” Said the girl from Aqua. “And also, I’ve forgotten my name. You don’t happen to know it do you?”
“I don’t think I want to talk to you either.” Said Fry. “So Brakka, what’s the deal with being a head in a jar?”
“Apparently he’s allowed to do it thanks to the contract you signed.” Said Brakka.
“Terrible isn’t it?” Asked another head. Fry turned to look at him and the bottom of the jar was filled with yo-yos. “I’m D.F. Duncan Sr. I held the patent for the yo-yo. Do you like them?” Duncan demanded.
“They’re very nice.” Said Fry.
“Heathen!” Yelled Duncan. “You cannot have any!” Duncan started tending to the yo-yos with his nose. “It’s okay my preciouses. I’ll sort out the nasty, nasty, EVIL man!” Duncan ended by shouting.
“And where exactly am I?” Asked Fry turning back to Brakka.
“Your on the fads wing of the museum of heads.” Said Brakka. “Hardly anybody comes in here anymore. The spice girls used to sing at them and it scared them right off.”
“I can’t stay here.” Said Fry. “I don’t want to sit here for thousands of years and go mad.”
“Don’t worry about that.” Said the girl from Aqua. “You’ll only be here a couple of months before you are mad.”
“Oh.” Said Fry. “That’s a comfort at least… Hang on! That’s not a comfort. I want to be out of here.” The door opened and in walked Bender and Leela.
“Bender!” Yelled Fry. “Leela. Man am I surprised to see you guys.”
“Yeah, it’s a really big coincidence that we came here, for the first time today.” Said Bender.
“That does seem like a pretty big coincidence.” Said Fry.
“Stop confusing him Bender.” Said Leela. “We used the professors ‘teleport to Fry’ machine to find you.”
“Ah.” Said Fry. “It’s beginning to make more sense. But how did you know something had happened to me?”
“Nigel Starling came round dressed as a zebra and posted a note through the door that effectively said: I am Fry, I have gone a long time away. So bye bye friends.” Said Leela.
“We thought it sounded to intelligent for you to have written so we decided to come looking for you.” Said Bender.
“Thanks guys.” Said Fry.
“I told you that guy was nothing but trouble.” Said Leela.
“No you didn’t.” Said Fry.
“I thought very hard about telling you.” Said Leela. “Now lets go.” She picked up Fry’s jar.
“Could you take me with you?” Asked Cameron.
“Keep walking.” Murmured Fry. “Keep walking, don’t turn back.” They walked out of the room.
“So…” Said Bender. “Where are we going?”
“Erm.” Said Fry. “Try the Pizza Palace.”
Nigel Starling (who was dressed as a tree) was sat at an empty table in the Pizza Palace counting out fiddly spare change.
“Damn Philip Fry.” Said Nigel gruffly. “Not even enough for a pizza.” Leela, Bender and Fry walked over. Well Fry didn’t walk over. He was carried over. But the other two most definitely walked.
“You!” Yelled Fry.
“You!” Yelled Nigel.
“Give me my body back.” Said Fry.
“No.” Said Nigel. “You signed the contract. I earned that body fair and square.”
“Most people we speak to cooperate so they don’t get kicked to a pulp.” Said Bender.
“He’s right.” Said Leela.
“Could I offer you money instead?” Asked Nigel. “I have almost enough to buy a pizza here.”
“We’ll take it.” Said Bender.
“No we won’t.” Said Fry.
“Yeah.” Said Bender. “That’s what I meant.”
“And punch him in the stomach as well.” Said Fry. Bender punched Nigel in the stomach.
“Okay.” Said Nigel. “You’re body is on Serped 3. Mining for minerals.”
“No wonder I feel so tired.” Said Fry. “Leela. Fly us there while I take a little nap.”
“And I want the money as well.” Said Bender.
“Fine.” Said Nigel, miserably handing the money over.
At the Planet Express Building Zoidberg, Hermes and Amy stood in front of Bender, Fry and Leela. Amy and Hermes were dressed up as pirates.
“I want the spaceship.” Said Zoidberg. “I wanted to go to my cousin’s first.”
“Yes.” Said Leela. “You may have had the crisis first but isn’t Fry’s more significant?” Bender gestured to Fry’s head in a jar, which smiled.
“The human seems shorter than usual. Has he had a haircut?” Asked Zoidberg.
“Actually.” Said Fry. “I have, but the real difference is that my body has been chopped off.”
“Okay then. Scissors, Paper, Rock for it then?” Asked Zoidberg.
“This is stupid.” Said Leela. She, Bender and Fry marched onto the ship and took off.
“What?” Asked Zoidberg. “I love Scissors Paper Rock.”
“Go jump in a boiling pot you filthy crab.” Said Hermes.
“That remark was hurtful…” Said Zoidberg. “And coming from someone as close as you.” Zoidberg burst into tears.
The planet Serped 3 was boiling hot desert crammed full of precious minerals. There was a small camp surrounded by walls of barbed wire.
“Oh no.” Said Fry. “How are we gonna get over those walls.”
“Easy.” Said Leela. “We’ll just park on the inside of them.”
“Oh yeah.” Said Fry. “Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Because you’re a stupid head in a jar.” Said Leela.
“Oh yeah.” Said Fry. They landed and walked out of the ship.
“Halt!” Said a guard robot. “Where are you going?”
“To look for my body.” Said Fry. They walked on. The robot rolled around till it was in front of them again.
“Halt!” It said. “You’re not allowed to do that.”
“Sure we are.” Said Bender. They walked on. The robot once again attempted to roll in front of them.
“Stop doing that.” Said the robot. “You do not have authorisation to collect bodies.”
“Oh shut up.” Said Leela and kicked the robot. They walked on, and the robot murmured to itself.
“You make a very convincing argument.”
Labouring under the hot midday sun was a bunch of bodies. Fry’s was in the middle; it was attacking a rat with a pickaxe.
“Hey.” Said Fry. “There’s my body.”
“Let’s get it and get out of here.” Said Bender.
“Shouldn’t we try and help the others?” Asked Leela.
“No!” Said Bender.
“But it’s not fair to them.” Said Leela.
“No!” Said Bender.
“Oh forget it.” Said Leela. She pulled Fry’s body away from the crowd; it was desperately attempting to pick its nose, regardless of not having a nose to pick. She reached into Fry’s jar and pulled out his head, placing it on top of his neck.
“Hooray!” Said Fry. “I’m whole again.”
“I think you might need some surgery.” Said Bender.
“I’ve been thinking about liposuction for some time now.” Said Fry.
“I mean to put your head back on your body.” Said Bender. “But now you mention it, you are a fat wreck.”
“I’ll just stick your head down with sticky tape for now.” Said Leela. Leela and Bender turned to walk off.
“Are you coming?” Asked Leela.
“I’m having a little trouble controlling this body.” Said Fry, who appeared to be mining again. Bender and Leela sighed and hefted him bodily into the air.
“The intruders are escaping with one of the workers!” Yelled a robot.
“Whatever.” Said another guard robot. “We’re sure as hell not paid enough to chase after them.”
“I hear that.” Said the first robot.
Meanwhile on the planet express ship.
“That was easy.” Said Bender. “Surprisingly easy. In fact if this wasn’t real life I’d be prepared to bet that something is about to go wrong.” There was a silent pause while everyone looked around the room to see if anything was about to go wrong.
“Doesn’t seem so.” Said Leela. She started up the engine and they flew off.
Five minutes travel away from Earth and Bender said: “Oh well. Doesn’t look like anything is going to go wrong now.”
Nigel Starling burst out of the laundry basket brandishing a gun.
“Aww nuts.” Said Bender.
“Okay all of you put your hands up.” Said Nigel.
“Sorry.” Said Fry. “I’m not in control of my body.”
“Well your out of the game then aren’t you.” Said Nigel. “Now robot, jump up and down on one leg.” Bender looking puzzled did so. “Good, now cyclops roll around on the floor.”
“No.” Said Leela. “Whatever you are doing it’s stupid.”
“Then I guess you win robot.” Said Nigel. He handed his gun over.
“Right now nut.” Said Bender. “You put your hands up, and don’t try any funny business.”
“But I really need to pay my clown.” Said Nigel.
“You should have thought of that before.” Said Bender.
Fry’s head, Bender and Leela were sat in the lounge. Zoidberg walked in.
“The surgery was a complete success.” Said Zoidberg.
“How can it have been?” Asked Fry. “My head was sat in here the whole time.”
“Then whose head did I attach to your body?” Asked Zoidberg.
“Good news everyone.” Said the professor. “I’ve just got a new body and this is the youngest I’ve ever felt.”
To be continued…? (Nope, I’m not continuing it, you can just assume that everything worked out well.)