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Farnsworth38
Professor
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Hi everyone. I’ve only just started to visit PEEL, and looking back over the last few pages it’s a good job I did. I would like to apologise to anyone who was in any way offended by The Longest Journey Home Part 1: it was not my intention. The idea was to put a positive spin on fidelity and safe sex: probably a bit ambitious for my first attempt, I admit. So I’m off to take a long look at Part 2...
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Allen
Professor
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Thank you. My god, I think this is more reviews than I've gotten in my entire career. Thanks to all who take the time to review. It is appreciated.
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Farnsworth38
Professor
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Allen, THOF: Nice work. You dropped some clever ideas in there. And I liked the way Morbo and Linda were actually part of the story, instead of just being used to provide information to the reader. Ever thought of using that view of Linda as an ambitious investigative reporter as a fic backbone? I can’t remember anyone going down that route before.
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Allen
Professor
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Originally posted by getak2003: i read that brains one allen made, i must say it was good, got kinda boring, and illogical in parts, but good non the less.
Pardon moi, but it does have a name, "The How of Fry." Use it, it sounds so much better than "That brains one Allen made." Boring and illogical? Hmm, interesting that no one else has said these things. So what was illogical? And not every moment can be packed with action, you've got to do some boring stuff too. So thanks for the review. Now, if you'll pardon me, I'm going to go laugh hysterically for a hour at something that strikes me funny. Ciao!
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Erdrik
Professor
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« Reply #216 on: 07-30-2003 12:55 »
« Last Edit on: 07-30-2003 12:55 »
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Wow. GHT, never have I been so quickly put off by a fan fic. I won't bother reviewing it as I only read the first 'chapter'. But from what I read you could stand to be a bit less 'long-winded' (Unless you already fixed this in following chapters...) Example: FRY: Oh man! What a nightmare! We were so close to finally being happy, but like that the one thing that could have gotten Leela to love me is gone, DESTROYED! And by none other than Leela herself! Well that is it! There has to be another way to win Leela’s heart, and I just have to find it! Way to long! I don't think Fry has ever said so much at any one time. except maybe 'Future Stocks' This would probly be better: FRY: There has to be another way to win Leela’s heart, and I just have to find it! All that blah blah explaining what already happened isn't nessicary. Most people reading the fics already know the score. I'll be back later with a review for Mitch's 'Robo-Leela' Leela: I feel disoriented. And I'm...having trouble remembering some things.
Fry: Like,...what I just told you?
Leela: What was it? this would be better as : Leela just looks at Fry in a confused manner. it sounds funny if she actualy asks what he said.
Fry: (disappointed) Um, never mind.
I think the hair bit was a little weird, but Overall it was alright. All of the characters acted pretty much in character, though they never realy did anything noticable. The whole story had them reacting to things that happen to them. I would suggest writing where they take an active role in the story. Like, for example, instead of Susan Showing up at the PE, the crew investigates and finds her name on a ripped peice of paper, and after a city wide search finds her apartment. 5/7 = Good
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Allen
Professor
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Um, I think he said he only read the first chapter and that it sucked. And I think I've been telling you what I found wrong not that it matters because you don't listen. Hehe
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]PaulFSAC[
Professor
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Originally posted by getak2003: *tears up* FINALLY! somebody who actually reviewed my stories for more than the so called plagerizm!
thank you OH THANK GOD somebody actually posted something about it!
and yes, in later chapers i DID shorten the dialogue. i never sent parts 1-4 to be edited by anyone, and hell, i never got around to even proofreading some of them either!
but thank you edrik for actually reading my stories and comenting on a matter other than plagerizm. i feel great that somebody comented on the story and not what it was made up of...you have really made my night, thank you! Before you go into Super Happy Mode .. he said "Wow. GHT, never have I been so quickly put off by a fan fic. I won't bother reviewing it as I only read the first 'chapter'." This means he never actually read the story beyond Chapter One. Learn to read as well as write, it might do you some good.
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Erdrik
Professor
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Originally posted by getak2003: ... hope you know that was a grammar joke, ...
??? and i was happy with the fact they reviewed the story and didn't give the old "you copied everyone! ...
yeah, that's about it. just happy about a story review, and not the age old plagerizm accusation. ? I think GHT is in denile. I did clearly state that I didn't bother to review it. oh well, just let him live in his little dream world. lol
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Allen
Professor
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Originally posted by getak2003 and i was happy with the fact they reviewed the story and didn't give the old "you copied everyone! i hate your story" line. even if they didn't like it, it shows that some people can look beyond the plagerizm and say something about the story itself, unlike anyone else here *caugh*allen*caugh*
Maybe the reason no one seems to look beyond the plagiarism is that there is nothing else there. You take away all that you copied and you lose over half your story. You want a review? Your story could stand to be a lot better. God, I can't even read the first few chapters because the characters sound different when they talk. (I suffered through them one time, but I won't read them again. You have this annoying habit of killing off characters you don't like. I don't like Cubert, but did I kill him? No, he just wasn't there because he wasn't essential to my plot. What was the point of forcing Fry to have sex with the Amazonians again? The point was very ill explained and I cannot see how procreating with them could help matters. I think it's stupid to mention Stargate SG1 in your fic. That's a sure way of telling the idea's not yours. Most of your story is confusing and irrational. Especially your dimension travelling part. What was the idea behind that? Let's cram as many dimensions as possible into one part? Long story short, I could sit here and rattle off every little thing I found wrong, but I think it's enough to say your story gets a big fat F. That is comparing it with every fic I've ever read. I'd rather read one of Zapp's Woman's stories and until you came along they had the lowest rating. I'm proud to pass the honor onto you. Now that I've reviewed your story, I have a request. GO AWAY! The day you leave we'll have a party! We'll have a blast. (shakes head) If only you knew, if only. But I promised myself you'd never find out. It probably wouldn't matter if you knew anyway. I will tell you this. When I invited you to discuss your story, I didn't expect you. Now I truly regret that invitation and I truly regret my decision. All you've done is piss on us all and our beloved show. So, I'm done. This is over. I hope someone gives you swift kick in various places on the way out. You are the weakest link. Goodbye. ******************************************* Last Shot was really good and quite entertaining. It took some getting used to Romanticorp as evil, but the author pulled it off well. I say to this author, I can't wait to read more from you.
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Action Jacktion
Professor
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Originally posted by Allen: Last Shot was really good and quite entertaining. It took some getting used to Romanticorp as evil, but the author pulled it off well. I say to this author, I can't wait to read more from you. Well, they did slaughter all of those Lovey Bears. And they were generally annoying.
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Wonderbee31
Starship Captain
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« Reply #232 on: 08-05-2003 13:08 »
« Last Edit on: 08-05-2003 13:08 »
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Kif White's Universe of Malice, chapter 13 is up at TLZ. First off, I have to say, like all of the previous chapters, this was a great story, the characters are really fleshed out, and they seem to be working well together. I should say though, this story has some fairly gory bits to it, though in the context, they make sense, and belong there. The characters are in a fight to the death, and, as in real fights, people do get hurt, and worse. I know what I'm talking about (war vet). That said, you should not concentrate on all of the violence, but look at it from the big picture, and the story's p.o.v.
This is a great chapter, and an excellent story, and I think that members here should read it, as it does what all good stories do, makes you feel emotions for the characters within it.
Kif White, I salute you, for a great piece of storytelling, because you made me feel sympathy for the folks there, and whetted my appetite for what comes next.
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