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Author Topic: Never is Falling: A Futurama fan fiction  (Read 386 times)
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Beamer

Space Pope
****
« on: 05-27-2014 07:01 »

We open on a lone ball.

It sits there.

Nothing happens.

Smash cut to Zoidberg, sitting in the blowhole of a whale.

ZOIDBERG: It was quarter past zen, when upon the brow of a happening Whib...

Darkness.

Click. Click. Click.

Peter Sarmonda appears in a hot air balloon, whisking a batter of sorts. He slops it from the GREEN BOWL into Zoidberg's happy, snappy mouthhole.

PETER SARMONDA: I have been born. You have not.

ZOIDBERG: Where am I?

PETER SARMONDA: The year is 1446.

ZOIDBERG: Then I'm lost!

PETER SARMONDA: You have never been.

Zoidberg proceeds to pull an hourglass out from his coat pocket. He pulls up a nearby table and puts it upside down.

The sand falls out.

One.

Grain.

At.

A.

Time.

Eventually, the hourglass runs out. A flash is seen upon the last grain of sand hitting the bottom.

LEELA (voice-over): Zoidberg? My hubby, where are you?

FRY (voice-over): I love you, Mr. Zoidberg.

ZOIDBERG: Who is saying that?

The grim reaper is saying that.

We cut to the stark, baron land of Mercury. A single daffodil falls from the sky, onto the ground, where it is stomped by the foot of forever unknowing.

A naked man climbs out from the dirt.

It is Professor Farnsworth, aged 34.

FARNSWORTH: This is a call for blood.

Another Farnsworth climbs out from the dirt. Equally naked, aged 160.

FARNSWORTH: Whatever do you mean, upon the brow of a happening Whib?

FARNSWORTH: Love is golden.

FARNSWORTH: It is an unfortunate shame that I do not love you, then.

FARNSWORTH: Or do I?

The two incarnations of Professor Farnsworth embrace, and begin to kiss passionately. They run their hands across one another's bald heads, with the young incarnation of farnsworth stroking his fingers down the old Farnsworth's wrinkly, decrepit body, poking his index finger in his anal cavity and wiggling it around like a worm.

FARNSWORTH: Oh my.

Darkness happens.

Not a sound is heard.

FRY (voice-over): My Farnsworths? Can you hear me?

LEELA (voice-over): I love you.

We fade to a swarming container of eels.

It sweats profusely.

Smash cut to a close-up of Hermes' navel.

HERMES: Dwight, my sonny boy! Come look at this!

We zoom out to reveal that Hermes is standing in a cemetery with his pants down.

HERMES: Dwight! Answer your father when he speaketh to thou!

The tombstone directly in front of Hermes reads "Dwight: Son."

Dwight walks up to Hermes.

DWIGHT: I'm gone, father.

HERMES: No you're not, son.

DWIGHT: I am. Accept it and move on.

HERMES: Not without a fight.

Not.

Without.

A.

Fight.

Hermes sets a pendulum down on Dwight's tombstone and proceeds to defecate on the ground of his son's grave.

We zoom into his excrement, to see the same hourglass Zoidberg had earlier.

Hermes looks up at a figure in the distance.

Hermes blinks.

HERMES: ... Zoidberg?

TO BE CONTINUED.
totalnerduk

DOOP Ubersecretary
**
« Reply #1 on: 05-27-2014 18:54 »

Absurdity and shock imagery for its own sake is not art, is not commendable, and is not meaningful. Even if it could be interpreted as some form of far-removed commentary on some state of the present age, there would need to be literally no other way to make such commentary for this to be considered a valid expression of it.

It is gibberish. It is pretentious drivel. It is howling nonsense. It is to be condemned.

That is why I disliked this fanfiction. This may well be acceptable to the author, in the event that a strong reaction of any sort is more pleasing to them than none at all, which is one good reason to offer this commentary rather than remain silent.
Beamer

Space Pope
****
« Reply #2 on: 05-28-2014 06:38 »

We cut to Hermes and Zoidberg sipping tea together at a tiny desk on the base of a volcano.

HERMES: Zoidberg... Were not you disappeared?

ZOIDBERG: It was the hourglass, my comrade. The hourglass transported me here!

Zoidberg puts the hourglass down on the desk. It is now empty.

Not.

One.

Grain.

Of.

Sand.

Remains.

HERMES: You've... TRAVELLED? How?

ZOIDBERG: Hourglass.

Hermes gets up and steps slowly into a spotlight.

HERMES: Perhaps I can harness the hourglass's powers to revive my dear late son, Dwight...

ZOIDBERG: But Hermes, my friend, the hourglass is empty.

HERMES: Then we needeth the Professor!

Erica Gunderson emerges from a nearby shrub.

ERICA GUNDERSON: I know somebody who can help.

We cut to a library, wherein Mom and Larry are reading a book, simply titled "ART!"

LARRY: According to this book, certain forms of self-expression are art, while others are not.

Mom pauses.

Mom proceeds to tear the page in question out from the book.

Mom eats the page.

LARRY: Mother, from upon the brow of a happening Whib, whatever are you doing?

MOM: I am turning that statement into poo.

LARRY: Good.

Hermes and Zoidberg emerge, having crawled out from a nearby snake-hole.

HERMES: Mom! You must take us to the Professor.

ZOIDBERG: At once.

Zoidberg.

Slowly.

Eats.

A.

Peach.

LARRY: My dear, sweet mother cannot help you, my children. For the Professor has also travelled through the vortex. He, too, is trapped in a time and a space most confounding and disruptable to the human spirit...

During this line, we fade into an image of the young Professor and the old Professor, still in the dirt together. The young Professor grabs the old Professor's floppy and tugs at it vigorously until little beads of blood begin to sweat from the tip.

We cut back to the library interior.

ZOIDBERG: At once.

MOM: This is correct.

HERMES: frown

MOM: Along with...

FRY (voice-over): Hello??? Hello, can anybody hear us?

LEELA (voice-over): Tell them I love them.

LARRY: Did you hear that?!

MOM: Yes... This means we have work to do.

TO BE CONTINUED.
Cudry

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #3 on: 05-28-2014 14:33 »

Pretty good, though maybe you could work on the sense-makking. Still, pretty good. smile
Beamer

Space Pope
****
« Reply #4 on: 06-09-2014 07:06 »

We fade back into a shot of the same ball from earlier, now bouncing down a set of stairs. The camera rotates 180 degrees to reveal it is actually bouncing up a set of stairs.

Children scream.

So.

Fucking.

Loud.

Smash cut to Amy, standing stark naked before a crowd of SCREAMING PEPPERMEN. She flounders over to the bar, where Ruggerstrom McKaleney is serving up human fingers.

RUGGERSTROM MCKALENEY: I have much to learn from you.

AMY: Yes, indeed.

Amy walks away, into the shadows, where she is grabbed by a sea of hands that pull her into the distant unknown.

We cut back Mom, Hermes and Zoidberg, sitting at a playground at three separate ends of a triangular see-saw.

MOM: For this to work, we must create our own vortex.

ZOIDBERG: I have already lived for a thousand years.

MOM: And now, you shall live through seven more.

We see Larry, Walt and Igner, standing naked in their own triangle atop a slide.

HERMES: Come on, boys! You have to make contact!

LARRY: I am scared.

IGNER: As am I, here upon the brow of a happening Whib...

WALT: I'm not.

Walt tilts his pelvis inwards, touching penises with his two brothers. The sky begins to twirl around them, like a moonlit carousel in the middle of a storm.

The.

Clouds.

Open.

Up.

HERMES: THE LIGHT.

ZOIDBERG: IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

MOM: We have little time...

The light envelops Hermes, Zoidberg and Mom, as her three sons' once vital, life-filled bodies turn to dust and fall in a pit upon the sand, now indistinguishable from its stark, dirty surroundings.

LEELA (voice-over): Fry? Did you hear that?

FRY (voice-over): Was it someone I loved?

LEELA (voice-over): Better.

...

They're home.

TO BE CONTINUED.
Freako

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #5 on: 06-09-2014 11:24 »

Love it.
Lyra405

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #6 on: 06-09-2014 12:06 »

*Quietly considers drawing fanart*
Beamer

Space Pope
****
« Reply #7 on: 06-23-2014 04:52 »

We star-wipe into Hattie, sitting at a bucket.

Of.

The.

Great.

Unknown.

Her left tit is hanging out of its girdle; Hattie's dress. Amy approaches, still naked.

AMY: Hello mother.

HATTIE: Who told you?

AMY: I have always known.

Hattie winks at Amy.

AMY: Let us embrace.

The two wrap arms and proceed to hug in a maternal manner. Hattie's loose tit crawls around to pat Amy on the back. They then gaze forlorn into one another's eyes as the lights turn to silver and then to pug.

HATTIE: I must take you to the aquaritorium at once.

Must she?

We then fade into the two Professors, still in the dirt. The old Professor has just finished pleasuring the young Professor with his mouth. He spits out the residue onto the young Professor's glasses.

FARNSWORTH: Oh my. I cannot see.

FARNSWORTH: Nor can I.

FARNSWORTH: Then you have never lived. Follow me.

The two Professors proceed to burrow down into the hot, wet dirt.

Forever.

Smash cut to Mom's three sons at the playground, confused.

LARRY: Where's Mommy?

WALT: Where's Mommy?

IGNER: I'm Mommy.

Larry and Walt look at Igner.

LARRY: No you're not.

WALT: No you're not.

IGNER: No I'm not.

We then enter the bright light. Hermes, Zoidberg and Mom have arrived in World War Two. Circa Hitler's basement.

MOM: Fuck.

ZOIDBERG: We couldn't determine the portal's angular terror correctly!

HERMES: Now we must pay the consequences.

Hermes places a golf ball down on the floor and swings at the ball.

He.

Hits.

It.

The ball flies away.

MOM: At least these moments are cherishable and bountiful.

ZOIDBERG: I disagree.

Suddenly, Peppercorn McRally enters the room.

PEPPERCORN MCRALLY: Privates! Follow me. You three have a letter letter to deliver.

TO BE CONTINUED.
Mr Snrub

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #8 on: 06-24-2014 00:04 »

Should have called this "Normal Futurama for Normal People."
Beamer

Space Pope
****
« Reply #9 on: 06-27-2014 07:21 »

Darkness abounds.

Nothing.

But.

Darkness.

We hear footsteps. The sound of some plankton, scratching abundantly at an empty mirror.

FRY (voice-over): Where are our friends?

LEELA (voice-over): I don't know. I thought I heard them... They must have gotten lost in the transfer.

FRY (voice-over): I love them so much.

LEELA (voice-over): As do I. I hope they know that.

FRY (voice-over): I hope they know how much I love them.

LEELA (voice-over): We have no choice but to keep waiting.

Suddenly, a shadowy figure enters the dark room. We zoom out, to reveal Fry and Leela as disemboweled brains, suspended by strings over a fish tank full of sting rays.

FRY (voice-over): Is it our friends?

LEELA (voice-over): I love them so much.

The figure steps into the light, revealing itself.

DWIGHT: No. It is I.

Gasp.

Gasp.

Gasp.

THE AUDIENCE GASPS.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

FRY (voice-over): ... I love you.

We fade back into the two Professors, who have reached a cavernous cavern, as ugly as the night and as sharp as the cold winter snow and as cold as an oxen's collective throbbing guilt.

FARNSWORTH: Where are we, Farnsworth?

FARNSWORTH: We are here, Farnsworth.

Farnsworth grabs the door handle - a jar of milk.

They.

Churn.

Together.

FARNSWORTH: What is this place?

FARNSWORTH: It is where we are.

The camera tilts up, to reveal the interior of an atom. The walls are decorated with fourty six whips, nine chains, twenty two bows, twenty three arrows, some cheese, a playing card, twelve gimp suits, a melted candle and seventeen fresh human turds.

IT'S THE DUNGEON.

FARNSWORTH: IT'S THE DUNGEON.

FARNSWORTH: Yes... My. My deep, dark secret has been discovered!

FARNSWORTH: I like it.

FARNSWORTH: Oh, as do I.

FARNSWORTH: This used to be a bomb shelter, you know.

FARNSWORTH: I did not.

FARNSWORTH: Let us continue our anal coitus.

FARNSWORTH: At once.

Meanwhile, Zoidberg, Hermes and Mom are walking around the inside of a revolving door in a non-stop circle. Mom gives birth and discards the birthing.

MOM: I do not need this.

ZOIDBERG: Good.

HERMES: Good.

MOM: Now where are we?

We zoom out, to reveal that the three have found their way out of that revolving door, and are now walking in circles inside another revolving door.

Trerry Rezinktrare enters, holding the head of a Jewish.

TRERRY REZINKTRARE: From upon the brow of a happening Whib... Your letter awaits!

We cut back to Hermes, Zoidberg and Mom, who have shat over every inch of their encapsulating surroundings; the third revolving door.

But.

They.

Are.

Nowhere.

To.

Be.

Found.

TO BE CONTINUED.
Beamer

Space Pope
****
« Reply #10 on: 06-28-2014 15:32 »

We transition swimmingly into the next shot, which is a lion, sitting on a rock. It is asleep. The camera lingers on the lion for exactly 1 hour and 48.15 seconds, until an object rolls past it.

It is the ball from earlier (and also earlier before that).

But the lion does not notice.

Because.

It's.

Asleep.

We remain on the lion for another 3 minutes, before cutting to Dwight at the fish tank, alongside the brains of Fry and Leela.

DWIGHT: When are they going to get here?

A VOICE: We are here.

Dwight looks up, in order to identify the voice.

It's Hattie.

HATTIE: And I brought someone.

Hattie gestures towards the sphincter-tinged doorway, wherein the nude silhouette of Amy can be seen taking a dump.

HATTIE: Finish up, Amy.

AMY: No.

FRY (voice-over): Who is that? Is it someone I love?

LEELA (voice-over): It's Amy.

FRY (voice-over): Tell her I love her.

LEELA (voice-over): Likewise.

Amy wipes her stinkhole with her right hand, which she then rubs through Hattie's long, luxurious hair.

HATTIE: That's not for me.

AMY: No, it was for me.

HATTIE: Good daughter.

AMY: Thank you.

DWIGHT: So...

What.

Is.

The.

PLAAAAANNNNN?!!!!

Amy goes to speak. We cut to a wartorn museum in Germany, 1942. Oscar McLuply enters, holding a bag of piping hot excrement. He walks up to a shadowy figure, staring out over the window. We cannot see any features. The window is a bear.

OSCAR MCLUPLY: Sir, we found this in the revolving doors wherein the fugitives had disappeared when upon the brow of a happening Whib...

The figure turns around. It is Zapp Brannigan, wearing a nazi uniform.

ZAPP: Bring me the fugitives!

OSCAR MCLUPLY: But sir, they've disappeared!

Zapp's clothes fall off.

ZAPP: Then the prophecy is true...

There are...

Others.

Just like ME.

We heart wipe in on a deserted ocean, circa 4088 A.D. The ocean contains a single small piece of wood, roughly the size of Jamaica. A flash of light happens. Zoidberg, Hermes and Mom are now occupying the wood.

HERMES: Where are we now?

MOM: Uh-oh.

ZOIDBERG: Why uh-oh?

MOM: The space time continuum is off its axis. We're being thrown about time willy-nilly, like an oven looking for its young.

HERMES: Does it find its young?

MOM: NO.

Gasps occur.

Then the light flashes AGAIN.

TO BE CONTINUED.
Beamer

Space Pope
****
« Reply #11 on: 07-09-2014 08:33 »

Hermes, Mom and Zoidberg awake in a cavern. The year? CAVEMAN TIMES.

HERMES: Uh-oh. We're in CAVEMAN TIMES.

ZOIDBERG: This does not bode well.

MOM: I am dry.

HERMES: As am I.

Mom and Hermes engage in a sombre, emotionless hug. It lasts for a period of time and then dissipates, like ants cooling on the wind before being blown into oblivion. Zoidberg waxes vacant.

ZOIDBERG: When will we be at our destination?

MOM: I suppose... When time decides it is...

HERMES: Time?

MOM: Yes. That is what I was going to say.

HERMES: Then I said it.

MOM: Very good.

HERMES: I concur.

Zoidberg waxes vacant.

ZOIDBERG: Shall we explore and find food?

MOM: Yes.

HERMES: I was just about to say that.

MOM: I beat you to it.

Zoidberg waxes vacant.

ZOIDBERG: Okay, I shall hunt first.

Zoidberg leaves.

Meanwhile, the two Professors are engaged in sodomy. The young Professor thrusts his erect willy in and out of the young Professor's tight, supple rectum. They moan in unison. The young professor withdraws his willy and little fleckles of turds exit with it, being flung in all directions with the fast motion.

The.

Young.

Professor.

Ejaculates.

Everywhere.

FARNSWORTH: Oh my.

FARNSWORTH: Yes.

FARNSWORTH: But now that that's out of the way, we must get down to business.

FARNSWORTH: This does not bode well.

FARNSWORTH: Perhaps it does. For you see, we've found a sanctuary. How long have we been doing this now?

FARNSWORTH: Several hours.

FARNSWORTH: And still not ONE time jump.

FARNSWORTH: Oh my.

FARNSWORTH: So, I suppose this means...

FARNSWORTH: In order to preserve the space time continuum...

FARNSWORTH: We must...

The two Professors stop dead in their tracks and stare longingly into one another's eyes. After a few moments of silence, they passionately embrace and enter into another session of romantic love, narrowly scaring off another enveloping light.

Parnumble Bri Bri enters.

PARNUMBLE BRI BRI: More towels, Professor?

FARNSWORTH: YES!

FARNSWORTH: MANY MORE!!!

Parnumble Bri Bri sighs and heads to the linen cavity.

We cut back to Amy, Hattie and Dwight alongside the brains of Fry and Leela in the dark room with the aquarium.

DWIGHT: That is a ridiculous plan!

AMY: But if we don't somehow meld, time itself will collapse upon us!

HATTIE: I agree. Come inside, daughter.

Hattie unhinges her jaw, causing her mouth to open up into the size of a hollowed out Mercedes. A giant ray of light shoots out. Amy climbs inside, and Hattie swallows her whole.

FRY (voice-over): Mother and daughter, together at last.

LEELA (voice-over): I'm so happy they love each other.

FRY (voice-over): As am I.

LEELA (voice-over): I love you.

FRY (voice-over): As do I.

HATTIE: BUT I DO NOT.

Gasping occurs.

HATTIE: For you see, Amy has been misled. I AM NOT HER MOTHER.

More gasping occurs.

HATTIE: But we ARE one now, from upon the brow of a happening Whib. And I'm taking the boy!

Hattie grabs Dwight and runs behind a nearby curtain. The brains are powerless to stop them. But then... Somebody enters the room.

VOICE: STOP RIGHT THERE! YOU SHALL *NOT* GET AWAY WITH THIS!!!

EVEN MORE GASPING OCCURS.

LEELA (voice-over): Who is it, Fry? Is it somebody I love?

FRY (voice-over): It's...

TO BE CONTINUED.
Quantum Neutrino Field

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #12 on: 07-13-2014 00:10 »

Is the cliffhanger necessary with this?

Considering how stupidly absurd this is, it's the funniest fan-fiction I've read (apart from Professor action). Plus it's the only one I've read.
Beamer

Space Pope
****
« Reply #13 on: 07-13-2014 15:19 »

ZAPP: ... Zapp Brannigan!

LEELA (voice-over): ... Zapp Brannigan.

FRY (voice-over): I love him.

LEELA (voice-over): So do I. I hope he is aware of this.

ZAPP: I AM NOT!

Zapp and the two brains turn around, to discover that Hattie has escaped with Dwight.

ZAPP: Now we need to concoct a plan.

FRY (voice-over): I love him.

We cut to a small child, sitting in an abandoned dilapidated park. The ball from earlier rises from the sand. The child looks at it.

They.

Make.

Eye.

Contact.

Meanwhile, Hermes and Mom are sitting in a cave together. Zoidberg has been gone for 892 seconds.

HERMES: Zoidberg has been gone for 892 seconds.

MOM: Yes.

HERMES: He is not coming back.

MOM: We must start a new society, then.

Hermes and Mom gaze into one another's eyes. First lovingly, then not. Their arms interlock around each other's legs. They begin to kiss.

Really.

Hard.

HERMES: Kiss me again, Mommy.

MOM: Okay, Hermes.

Mom kisses Hermes, and Hermes then proceeds to undress her. He picks up her wrinkly, deformed body and lays it down on a nearby skunk. He separates her legs and begins licking violently at her genitalia. Lasers shoot out of Mom's spine. Meanwhile, Zoidberg is hunting.

ZOIDBERG: I am hunting.

Zoidberg finishes hunting.

ZOIDBERG: Now I have finished hunting.

Zoidberg returns to the cave with the carcus of a walrus, only to discover Hermes and Mom fornicating on a pile of dead skunks.

ZOIDBERG: May I join in?

MOM: Yes. Come, Zoidberg.

Zoidberg drops the walrus, strips his shell and runs over to his two comrades, joining in on their sexual antics of a sexual nature. Cherry McAlenstein enters the  cave.

CHERRY MCALENSTEIN: May I also join in?

HERMES: I am afraid not, m'am. There is only room for three.

Cherry McAlenstein's head sinks down to her hips and she exits the world accordingly. We cross-fade to the same location at a much later time, when the three are enjoying post-coitus chilli.

HERMES: This is good chilli.

MOM: It is. But... Now I have fallen pregnant.

ZOIDBERG: Oh no. Whomever is the father?

MOM: It is Hermes.

HERMES: Oh goody. Maybe this time I shall have a girl.

Mom clenches her hips and shoots out a baby Dwight from her stink canal.

DWIGHT: I am a baby.

HERMES: OH, MOM IS YOUR REAL MOM.

DWIGHT: I enjoy taxation.

ZOIDBERG: You two are definitely related.

The four of them enjoy a good laugh, only for another flash of light to occur.

TO BE CONTINUED AND YES THESE CLIFFHANGERS ARE NECESSARY.
Mr Snrub

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #14 on: 07-13-2014 23:56 »

I think this story is getting rather shallow and pedantic. It insists upon itself.
TheMadCapper

Fluffy
UberMod
DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #15 on: 07-15-2014 05:52 »

I think this story is getting rather shallow and pedantic. It insists upon itself.

Like an oven searching for its young.
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