Cold Openings, Shorts, and Sponsor Ideas

[on:]

After the latest season of Futurama, one of things I thought it lacked compared to the previous ones were Cold Openings.  The crew was probably trying to fit as much content in each episode under required time constraints, and as a result there weren’t as many this year.  The idea for this thread is for me to come up with short segments of writing not long enough to be considered an episode length or whatnot and just to come up with something to give people a short laugh.  This is also a test for myself to see if I am able to progressively do bigger and longer projects in the future.  I can hint, however, that if things go well that most, if not everything, I post in this thread will all be connected in some way in the future.

First off, the following came to mind after hearing Maurice LaMarche won an Emmy for his work on the Futurama episode "Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences."  It might double as a tribute as well.

*   *   *

Uno Cero

[Begin Latin-mariachi fusion background music]

Calculon, wearing a fedora and a costume similar to Indiana Jones, is in a submerged dark temple.  He cautiously grabs a crystal shaped idol on a stone pedestal which immediately retracts, causing the entire temple to start collapsing.

Narrator:  “When he speaks binary, people understand him completely…”

With the idol in hand, he tries to run as fast as he can out of the room, just as a huge boulder starts rolling towards him from a trap door in the ceiling.

Narrator:  “…even when he uses the number two.”

-   -   -

Calculon, wearing a lab coat, is in a classroom with auditorium seating filled with the smartest minds on Earth.  He and Professor Adoy are at the head of class, both pondering over a long, complicated mathematical equation written on a futuristic blackboard while other scientists watch intensely.  Calculon casually looks at a fraction written in the equation and slowly moves toward that part of the blackboard.  With an eraser in his hand, he quickly scrubs out the denominator of the fraction, causing many in the room to gasp in horror.

Narrator:  “He once caught a computer worm…”

Trying to regain composure, he immediately erases the fraction bar under the numerator as well.  Intrigued by the changes, Adoy double checks the entire equation and gives Calculon a thumb up.  The entire room roars with applause.

Narrator:  “…just to understand what the big deal was about being underclocked.”

-   -   -

Calculon is on the sidelines during a wrestling match watched by thousands of spectators.  He stretches out his hand into the ring towards his partner, Billionaire Bot, who tags out while he enters the ring.  He looks determined as he sees at the other side of the ring his opponent, a towering Bigfoot with a Yeti as his tag team partner.

Narrator:  “The Robot Devil once challenged him to a fiddle contest.”

Bigfoot charges toward Calculon, but he effortlessly moves to the side to avoid him like a bullfighter.  Bigfoot bounces off the ropes and goes for another charge, but as soon as he gets close enough Calculon performs a jumpkick, with the soles of his feet connecting with Bigfoot’s head.  The impact is hard enough to knock him out and immediately topples down to the ring.  After regaining his bearings, Calculon does a victory pose for the fans.

Narrator:  “When it was over, he won a platinum fiddle.”

-   -   -

Calculon, wearing a pair of goggles over his eyes, is on the edge of a high platform when he decides to jump off heads first.  It turns out, however, that this platform is actually the tip of a huge space elevator with its base thousands of kilometers below.  He shows little emotion as he plunges faster towards the planet and his golden body starts to heat up.

Narrator:  “He is… The Most Interesting Robot in the World.”

-   -   -

Calculon is at a table in a barely lit bar conversing with a couple of lady bots sitting around him.  As the camera gets closer, Calculon notices and turns towards it.

Calculon:  “I don’t always drink beer.  Bourbon, of course.  Merlot?  Yes, on extra special occasions.  But cheap, domestic beer?  Oh God no, unless my agent sets me up for a good gig.”

He grabs a bottle of beer resting near his hand on the table.  Its brand logo has the numbers one and zero prominently marked as he gestures the bottle towards the camera.

Calculon:  “But when I do, I prefer Uno Cero.”

The camera focuses on the bottle’s logo, which is then expands to fill the screen with all the legal information regarding the bottling company.  Calculon’s head can be seen to the right of the company’s information.

Calculon:  “Stay classy, robots.”

[Reply #1 on:]

Futurama stopped with cold openings and sponsors after like Season 2, you're lucky you got these in Season 6:

Rebirth Cold Opening
Cash Bone
Gunderson's Unshelled Nuts
Reincarnation Cold Opening

[Reply #2 on:]

They pretty much stopped with the cold openings after season one except for that one cold opening in the second episode of season 2. There were three sponsors in season 2 and one in season 3.

In season 6 there have been more cold openings and sponsors than there were in seasons 3 and 4, and about the same amount as in season 2.

[Reply #3 on:]

I wish they did the sponsors again, those were hilarious. "Nobody doesn't like molten boron!" is one of my favorite lines from the whole series, which is maybe giving it too much credit but I don't know. I liked it, whether irrationally or not.

Gunderson's Unshelled Nuts was one of the best parts of the Holiday Spectacular.

I like the idea of the Dos Equis spoof.

[Reply #4 on:]

I wish they did the sponsors again, those were hilarious.

"Arachno Spores! The fatal spore with the funny name!"  << I loved that one.

[Reply #5 on:]

Thompson's Teeth: The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.

Best. Sponsor. Ever.

[Reply #6 on:]

Nobody Likes Molton Boron.

"The Problem With Poplers".

I think that was the last ad for the original run.

[Reply #7 on:]

Nobody Likes Molton Boron.

It was 'Nobody Doesn't like Molten Boron'.