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Author Topic: My first fanfic - looking for criticism  (Read 1312 times)
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Louiswuenator

Starship Captain
****
« on: 10-12-2010 05:48 »
« Last Edit on: 10-12-2010 14:11 »

Hello everyone.  This is my first attempt at writing anything for Futurama.  I hope you like it.

It is written in pseudo-script format.  All caps indicates a scene change,  INT. and EXT. stand for interior and exterior, respectively.  I originally intended for it to be an episode's length, but went over considerably.  Oh well.

This 'episode' is called "The Stung" (not 100% on the name; open to suggestion) and takes place some time after "The Mutants Are Revolting."  It is heavy on the shippy elements, so if that isn't your cup of tea you may want to avoid this one.

I don't consider it 'finished' and would be happy for criticisms, comments and suggestions.

Anyhow, here it is in PDF format.

EDIT:
Here, try this.  Sorry for the inconvenience.  I've never tried hosting a PDF online before.
https://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B4aCy0QJNcgaYTIyNGVlZDktZDg0Ni00NTJiLWE0MmUtYTE0NTE0ZGEyNmRi&hl=en

My evil infests all times, all galaxies, all dimensions.
Freako

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #1 on: 10-12-2010 06:03 »

This is a terrible place to seek fan fiction feedback.
Bigboysdontcry

Professor
*
« Reply #2 on: 10-12-2010 08:36 »
« Last Edit on: 10-12-2010 08:40 »

I have not read it yet, but change the name. Commencing reading now(can you say that?). I will tell you what I think when I am done.

Edit: I can not open the file for some reason, it says page not available.  eek
Louiswuenator

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #3 on: 10-12-2010 14:17 »

Okay, I tried changing the permissions on the file.  Can you guys open it now?

This is a terrible place to seek fan fiction feedback.
Probably, but I'm still interested in your opinions anyway.

I have not read it yet, but change the name.
Yeah, the name is pretty weak, but its just a placeholder for now.
KurtPikachu2001

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #4 on: 10-12-2010 19:20 »

You should try to post your fanfic on Futurama Madhouse.   The title is just a knockoff from 'The Sting'. 
Nutmeg1729

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #5 on: 10-12-2010 19:32 »

You should try to post your fanfic on Futurama Madhouse.   The title is just a knockoff from 'The Sting'. 

Captain obvious takes the prize.

Louiswuenator: I had a skim, was too tired to read it all though, and to be honest, your writing isn't half bad. Your setting is good, the idea is pretty well though out, and the first five pages, although needing some work, as does anything, are pretty darn good compared to some of the other shite that fanfiction writers churn out.

Maybe I'll read the rest later, maybe I won't. But either way, I'd say you haven't done half bad.
mazda07

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #6 on: 10-12-2010 21:04 »

only read 5 page's. an i allready like how its going ^^ great writing smile brb gonna finish it
mazda07

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #7 on: 10-12-2010 22:10 »

haha that's is one cool fanfic big grin  buit i must say that. the thing when fry get back to the PE ship. i almost saw i comeing for some reason?.  but anyway  good writing :d   is there going to be any more? big grin
pluche93

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #8 on: 10-13-2010 01:52 »

this could have been a great 100th episode smile explaining some thing and giving a trophy to Leela for her 10th anniversary as a captain. maybe for the 200th episode ?? lol
Louiswuenator

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #9 on: 10-13-2010 03:26 »

Thanks for the replies everyone!  This was a challenge for me, especially the narrative sections (only being able to write what can be seen and heard sucks!)

The title is just a knockoff from 'The Sting'. 
I didn't intend it to be a knockoff, although I could see how it could be interpreted that way.  The title makes more sense when taken in context of the story and the past events it references.

haha that's is one cool fanfic big grin  buit i must say that. the thing when fry get back to the PE ship. i almost saw i comeing for some reason?.  but anyway  good writing :d   is there going to be any more? big grin
Thank you!  Yeah, in hindsight I think I built up Fry's return to the ship too much and it was obvious what was going to happen.  I don't intend to add any more to this particular story because I went over my intended length as it is, but I do have a few more ideas rolling around that I'd like to flesh out.  I don't know if I want to return to the script format though, it was a pain.  What do you think?

this could have been a great 100th episode smile explaining some thing and giving a trophy to Leela for her 10th anniversary as a captain. maybe for the 200th episode ?? lol
Perhaps, I certainly think she deserves some recognition for her erm unique piloting skills, and for keeping her cool while in command on some extraordinarily dangerous missions.  She certainly has a higher success rate/lives lost ratio than Zapp Brannigan will ever have.    laff

My evil infests all times, all galaxies, all dimensions.
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #10 on: 10-13-2010 07:13 »

I just read it.  For a first attempt at a Futurama fic, it's pretty good.  You've clearly got some talent for writing.  Your description of the city and the convention center in particular were excellent.  My major complaint is that Fry and Leela are out of character.  Fry is too smart throughout the fic, and Leela's declaration of love at the end feels like too much coming from her.

For your next fic, you might want to consider writing in actual story format rather than making a script.  Also, don't fall into the same trap I did when I was starting out writing by overdoing the shippy stuff.  A little shippy is good, but it shouldnt get in the way of the laser battles and the jokes about classy muggers!
mazda07

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #11 on: 10-13-2010 16:53 »

i really think you sould big grin its some good writing and a hell of a story big grin
Louiswuenator

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #12 on: 10-13-2010 18:16 »

I just read it.  For a first attempt at a Futurama fic, it's pretty good.  You've clearly got some talent for writing.  Your description of the city and the convention center in particular were excellent.  My major complaint is that Fry and Leela are out of character.  Fry is too smart throughout the fic, and Leela's declaration of love at the end feels like too much coming from her.

For your next fic, you might want to consider writing in actual story format rather than making a script.  Also, don't fall into the same trap I did when I was starting out writing by overdoing the shippy stuff.  A little shippy is good, but it shouldnt get in the way of the laser battles and the jokes about classy muggers!
Thanks for reading!  I am a huge fan of your work, so your compliments and critique mean a lot to me.  I agree about Fry and Leela being out of character.  It's so hard for me to write Fry dumb because I want him to be smart.  I also agree that the 'declaration of love' scene is none too subtle and actually sort of makes me want to vomit.  smile  I think I was rushing myself because I had wanted to be able to wrap the story up in less than 30 pages, which was an unrealistic goal.  I think I just needed to get all of the shippy stuff out of my system (although it is one of my favorite aspects of the show.)

i really think you sould big grin its some good writing and a hell of a story big grin
Thank you.  I have a few ideas spooling up in the cyclotron that I will try to get to when I don't have mountains of studying to do.   mad
mazda07

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #13 on: 10-14-2010 17:27 »

you sould try anyway smile i could turn out great
Nibblonian Leader

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #14 on: 10-15-2010 01:36 »

Looking for critisism? You've come to the right place!
mazda07

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #15 on: 10-15-2010 16:35 »

and the rate is???????????????????? 10 out of 10 big grin
Louiswuenator

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #16 on: 10-15-2010 17:01 »

Looking for critisism? You've come to the right place!
Indeed.  Though I expected it be harsher in all honesty.
Did you read it?  If so, what did you think?

and the rate is???????????????????? 10 out of 10 big grin
Ahh, mazda you are too generous.  I would have given it a 5 or 6.  If I get a perfect score how will I ever improve?  I appreciate your support though.   smile
mazda07

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #17 on: 10-15-2010 18:33 »

oka 9.5.

but serious man smile that script could easy'li be from a real writher in futurama. it got..

humor, romance. serious. Bender. fry and leela. a good writen story, .
mazda07

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #18 on: 10-18-2010 07:11 »

any good news? smile
Louiswuenator

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #19 on: 10-19-2010 06:08 »

I'm working on a couple stories right now, but progress is slow.  Mid-terms take priority.
mazda07

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #20 on: 10-19-2010 07:18 »

rogther
CommanderZapp

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #21 on: 11-02-2010 21:09 »

Looking for critisism? You've come to the right place!
Yes, you've come to right place. tongue
Louiswuenator

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #22 on: 11-03-2010 01:39 »

Looking for critisism? You've come to the right place!
Yes, you've come to right place. tongue
So I've heard, but only a few have offered any criticism.  Did you read it?
CommanderZapp

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #23 on: 11-03-2010 01:56 »

Looking for critisism? You've come to the right place!
Yes, you've come to right place. tongue
So I've heard, but only a few have offered any criticism.  Did you read it?
Actually, no I have not. So I'll have to read the whole damn thing before I can post again. hmpf tongue
El-Man

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #24 on: 11-03-2010 02:00 »

I'll give some - I pretty much concur with what SO said. Good start for a first-timer, F&L a little out of character, and lose the script format.
Louiswuenator

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #25 on: 11-03-2010 02:51 »

Looking for critisism? You've come to the right place!
Yes, you've come to right place. tongue
So I've heard, but only a few have offered any criticism.  Did you read it?
Actually, no I have not. So I'll have to read the whole damn thing before I can post again. hmpf tongue
I am a bit confused by the bold and italics, but I didn't mean to offend.  Thank you for reading it though.   smile

I'll give some - I pretty much concur with what SO said. Good start for a first-timer, F&L a little out of character, and lose the script format.
Thanks for the input.  I am working on a revision that addresses the F&L OOC thing.  I was thinking about having the professor be the one that solves the kidnapping with one of his inventions instead of Fry and Bender alone.  Also, definitely gonna tone down the mushiness on some of the exchanges between Fry and Leela.  I don't know if I have the ambition to rewrite the whole thing on this one but I am going to avoid the script format from here on out.  It was a fun experiment, but a bit uncomfortable to write in.
mazda07

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #26 on: 11-18-2010 20:52 »

any updates m8 wink?
Louiswuenator

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #27 on: 11-28-2010 00:16 »

Don't worry, I've got a something in the works I'll hopefully be posting soon.
mazda07

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #28 on: 11-28-2010 16:06 »

loud and clear.
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