Be gentle. Read, then vote.
Scene: PE Building, in the main hanger. Leela is working on the landing pad at the front of the ship, whilst Bender and Fry lounge against the far wall.
Leela: Ya know, you guys could give me a little help!
Bender: Can it Eyeball, can’t you see we’re busy? We have a lot of standing around to do today, right Fry?
Fry: Meh, whatever. Actually, I think I’ll help Leela. You know, earn a few brownie points, get in good with the big boss. Maybe I’ll get an Xmas bonus!
Hermes: (walking through) Don’t count on it now, ya lazy good for nothin’ little whiteboy.
Bender: And I though we were friends (sigh). Guess I’ll go see what Ol’ Shell Face is up to. (Walks through the far door, muttering “Kill all humans, kill all humans”
Leela: Thanks Fry, I really appreciate it. Could you hold onto this for a moment? (Leela gives Fry a complicated looking piece of machinery trailing wires into the ship) I need you to keep it where I can see it, in case…
The machinery emits a beeping noise
Fry: In case what? In case of that? Is it a bomb? Is it a bomb?
Leela: No, I was using that to tell me when my microwave dinner finished. I’m all done here. Why don’t you go and find Bender.
Fry: Well, I was kinda hoping to talk to you for a few minutes.
Leela: What about?
Fry: Well, I have tickets to the big game tonight, for three. If you want to come with me and Bender,…
Leela: No. How many times Fry? I won’t go on a date with you. Not until you start behaving like a responsible adult, instead of a twenty-something low-brow space cowboy.
Fry: Leela, I’m not low-brow, remember the time I laughed at a sophisticated joke? I got it first time!
Leela walks into the ship, and the door closes behind her. Fry is about to go when Dr. Zoidberg walks into the hanger
Dr. Z: Fry, I hear that you have tickets for the big game, Bender told me that you might let me join you tonight. (suddenly frantic) Will there be food there?
Fry: Uuuh, Dr Zoidberg, you might not like it.
Dr Z: Whats not to like? I find it entertaining to polish my collection of kidney stones. Surely it has to be better than that!
Fry: It’s the final Blernsball game of the series, between the New New York Taxi drivers and the…
Dr Z: Spit it out, Fry!
Fry: Sorry! (Spits something into the corner) The Manhattan Lobster Potters.
Dr Z: WHAT? Those evil artists of mass genocide? (unpronouncable sound) If they catch just ONE more lobster in those pots, I’ll kill them all…. KILL THEM ALL… Zoidberg is no coward, where are they? (clicks his claws violently)
Bender walks in with a bottle of beer
Fry: Calm down, calm down. Bender, can I borrow that bottle?
Bender: Sure, Meatbag. (drinks the beer, and tosses Fry the bottle).
Fry: (Offering the bottle to Zoidberg) Here you go Dr, something to eat!
Zoidberg crunches into the bottle, and wanders away, munching happily
Bender: What was that all about? Is he going crazy again? Can I ccok ‘im, oh Fry, please let me cook ‘im!
Fry: Bender! No, you don’t cook your friends, what would you do if I went crazy?
Bender: Since you have no nutritional value, I’d turn you into a one-man freakshow. A little bit of gibbering, drooling entertainment always goes down well.
Leela: Will you two quit arguing, and just take someone else? Why don’t you take Amy?
Fry: O.K. so you don’t want to go then?
Leela: Fry, It’s not that I don’t want to go, as a matter of fact I have tickets. I just don’t want to go with you two. Remember that fight at Seaworld?
Bender: Yeah, that was a classic.
Fry: Meh, it was good, but not great.
Leela: The point is, that you two always seem to cause trouble, and I don’t want to be around when it happens. I’m sitting close to the exit, and at the first sign of a riot, I’m outta there!
Bender: Come on Fry, lets leave ‘ol Big Boots to calm down awhile.
Prof Farnsworth enters.
Prof: Good news everbody, I’ve gotten you all tickets to tonights big final!
Fry: Uh, Professor, we already have tickets…
Prof: What? You have tickets to the Ape Fight? I had to kill three people to get these!
Fry: Uh, no. I meant the Blensball game. But the Ape fight sounds cool, I can always scalp these tickets.
Leela: Oh, the Ape Fight. I’ll come as long as I don’t have to sit where Bender and Fry will be causing trouble.
Prof: Now, now, you can sit between Fry and Bender, to keep them from doing anything foolish. Remember that fight at Seaworld?
Fry & Bender both make disappointed noises
Prof: And after the fight, we get to see the winning ape eat the loser’s children.
Fry & Bender both perk up.
Scene: At the ape fight (Madison Cube Garden), the Professor, Cubert, Fry, Leela, Amy, Bender,
Zoidberg and Hermes, Dwight and LaBarbara sit in that order 1 row back from ringside. They are
cheering wildly as the “favourite” ape grabs his opponent by the head, and hurls him onto the ropes,
where he bites into the favourites’ neck.
Bender: Ooooh, baby. I can’t wait! Blood! Blood! Blood!
Nixon: (Ringside, head only) Hippie! Get on with it!
Fav’: Aook Uurhg! (Turns to crowd, and is leaped upon by the smaller ape).
Leela: Y’know Fry, I’m really surprised. I thought that by now you’d have endangered all our lives somehow, and set a global catastrophe in motion right before flooding the bathrooms. I guess I was wrong.
Fry: I’ll do it later - I promise! Right now I’m enjoying the fight, hey Leela, you’re missing it!
Ape: (Offscreen) Uaaaaaaargh Uaaaaoooooh!
Announcer-alien stands over the fallen ape, and the victor reaches down below the ringside, picking up three small apes, which he tosses into his mouth. The victor then belches loudly.
Alien: And the winner is, Momaka the Crippler! Momakas’ children are safe until the next fight! Don’t forget to pick up Momaka souveneirs on your way out. Please make your way to the exits, as the building will be closed in fifteen minutes for owl-gassing.
The crew are leaving the building, when Fry spots a booth over in the corner, where The Rock is talking to a small group of people. He starts to head over, when Leela grabs his arm.
Leela: Fry! The exit’s this way! Hurrry, or we’ll be stuck here whilst hundreds of dead owls fall from the rafters.
Fry: Look, it’s The Rock! He was a big wrestling star when he had a body. He made movies, and sometimes won matches. Let’s go talk to him!
Leela: OK, but you’ve only got 2 minutes. Bender, set your internal alarm.
Bender: No, you do it!
Leela: (sigh) Come on, let’s go talk to this guy. He’s probably got his exit route prepared already.
The crew head over to the booth, but are stopped when Zapp Brannigan steps in front of them.
Zapp: Why Leela, what a pleasant surprise! (Zapp slips Bender a wad of cash) whispering to Bender”thanks for the tip-off buddy”
Fry: Wow, Zapp Brannigan. Hey, how did you get on with that peace delegation to Altair-4?
Zapp: They wanted Peace, Fry. Peace is the most destructive force on the planet, so I was forced to blow their planet into radioactive cinders. Then they declared war on us for some petty insigmnificant reason because I destroyed s few billion colonists on the far side of the planet> The usual.
Bender: Ahhh, I know what you mean. The professor is always trying to get me to dosome actual work, just because he pays me. Lousy cheapskate.
Prof: Yes, I have been an ogre, haven’t I?. I’ll put a stop to it as soonas I get back. No more pay for Bender, he’s suffered enough.
Bender: Uhhh, crap. Can I at least steal the petty cash?
Prof: As long as you don’t take any more than you can handle. Now, where’s that head gotten to?
The professor looks over at where The Rock was, and sees him being wheeled away by a girl on a
trolley a la Bob Barker in Bender Gets Made. Fry is running behind him.
Fry: Wait! Can I get your autograph?
Leela: Look, he’s leaving, this should be our chance to get away before the owl-gassing! Let’s go!
Leela drapes the professor over her shoulder, and runs after Fry. The rest of the crew follow, except for
Bender: I’ll stay and pick up a few corpses for tomorrows lunch. See you in the morning!
Scene: Outside MCG, the crew and The Rock are standing on the pavement, with Zapp Brannigan.
Rock: Mr Brannigan! The Rock is honoured, If he still had hands he’d shake yours ‘till it bled.
Fry: Uhuh, we should go. The gas is coming!
Rock: The Rock has this under control. Lutitia?
Girl: (slides up her sleeve to reveal a wristamagig) The Limo? OK. Here goes. (punches in a combination on her wristamagig which looks like Leela’s)
The Limo comes screeching around the corner, at 4th storey level, and drops to the level of the street.
We see all this from the perspective of the crew, looking up. All climb in, with Hermes last. Hermes’
weight lowers the car to the street surface, and it moves off with sparks flying as it scrapes on
Scene: Inside the Limo. Everyone is cramped and squashed, apart from Zapp who is taking up most of
Fry: Hey, are you in town long?
Rock: No, the Rock has to go Omicron Persie 8. He must host a talkshow with Richard Nixon, and lay the smackdown on him.
Leela: Why do you refer to yourself in the third person?
Rock: Hey, one-eye. The Rock doesn’t do anything The Rock doesn’t want to do.
The Limo pulls up, and from outside, we see the crew get thrown out. Hermes is last, and as he goes,
the Limo shoots up several stories, before jetting away. Zapp gets up, dusts himself off, and wanders
over to the transport tubes.
Zapp: Take me somewhere with cold beer, beautiful women, and a selection of gentlemanly pursuits.
The tube zips Zapp across town, and lands him outside a casino, with a strip club next door.
Scene: Inside the PE building, gathered at the table, the employes (Fry, Leela, Zoidberg, Hermes &
family, The Professor & Cubert, Nibbler and Amy) watch Bender carry a large serving platter
over, with a lid on it. All are drooling slightly, except the professor, who is asleep, with lots of drool
running out of his mouth. Nibbler is making darting eye movements all around the table.
Bender: Leela, how about taking your pet outside, and tossing it in the garbage before he eats all the food!
Leela: He just ate a whole space Moose, he won’t take more than his fair share. Now dish up, we’re all starving!
Bender removes the cover, to reveal a delicious looking heap of roast birds. The crew all lean closer
and make “mmmmm” sounds.
Bender: Voila! The perfect meal, enjoy it skintubes. (sits down, and starts carving).
Scene: The same as before, but all the food is eaten. A variety of half finished bowls of various
vegetables cover the table, and bones are piled on everyones plates. Bender opens a bottle of Old
Fortran with his teeth, and drinks it slowly. Fry belches quietly, and Leela belches very loudly, making
Leela: Sorry, the food was delicious, but it made me feel a little gassy. What was it, Bender?
Bender: A bunch of dead owls, and some other crap. Nothing special.
Cubert: What? That was fantastic! For once I actually enjoyed your cooking.
Bender: You’re right, the meal was fantastic, for once I didn’t want to drown you in the toilet.
Fry: I agree. I was thinking of the sink
Amy: Hmm, I was thinking of the shower.
Cubert: Moron. You can’t drown someone in a shower. Professor, they’re picking on me!
Prof: Well, maybe you shouldn’t have dismantled the TV in order to eradicate disease. I was looking forward to All My Circuits.
Hermes: My word, that was fantastic food Bender. Although I think I’d have preferred it jerked just a little. Now if you’ll all excuse me, I tink I need to lie down, my internal plumbing is a little unsettled.
Various gurgles emenate from Hermes’ belly.
Scene: On the brifge of the PE ship, Bender, Amy and Zoidberg are seated around the pilots yoke,
where Leela is studying something on one of the readouts. She is standing, bent over, when Fry comes
thru’ the hatch, with a tray of coffee, he trips on the edge of the door, and spills the lot onto her
backside. She leaps up, in pain and yells.
Fry: Omigosh, Sorry Leela, I tripped coming in. (rushes over) Are you OK?
Bender: Heheh, that’s a hot ass you got there! Heheheh
Leela: Quiet Bender!, Yes Fry, I’m OK, I just need to change my pants.
Amy and Zoidberg straighten up and exchange worried glances.
Fry: Oh, I’ll come and help you, let me do it!
Leela: (sigh) Fry, give it up. Although if you hadn’t just ruined half an hours’ observation of our course and trajectory, I’d probably have to admire your persistance.
Fry: Could you pretend that I didn’t mess anything up then?
Amy: Guh, Idiot. You just ruined the high-speed course optimization unit. I’ll have to replace it. You can help me if you like, and I’ll probably need help later, when I’m showering…
Fry: Amy, remember when we dated? It didn’t last a month!
Amy: I have a boyfriend, Fry! I want you to keep an eye on the heater. The shower can get pretty tempermental when the engines are at full speed, and for some reason it refuses to work if the TV is on.
Bender: Hey, look at that (pointing out of the forward window)
Everyone turns and gasps. The Nimbus is outside, firing on a space-limo. The limo is dodging wildly, and skins the side of the warship, as it races towards the PE ship.
Fry: Where’s Leela, she should be getting us out of this!
Everyone turns and gives Fry an angry look.
Zoidberg: There’s no time to fetch her! Fry, take the wheel!
Fry takes the wheel, and the three ships all fly off in different directions, the Nimbus turns, and fires at
the limo one more time, and then the PE ship is following her.
Zapp: Look at them Kif, following in my wake just to stay out of my fire. Suitably impressed by my masterful command of this beautiful ship. And when the criminals are stowed in the Brig, maybe I’ll invite Captain Leela to a romantic luncheon for me.
Kif: Should that be a romantic luncheon for two, sir?
Zapp: No Kif, for me. Leela will be more than satisfied by my company.
Kif: (sigh) Very well, sir. I’ll brief the chef.
Zapp: Kif, I want you to cook it. I executed the chef 2 hours ago.
The limo comes straight for the Nimbus and right past her, Zapp ducks, and Kif aoutomatically
camoflages himself against the wall in fear, as it races by their front viewports, and past. The limo
scrapes by the sides of the massive warship, and downwards, slamming nosefirst into the underside of
the PE ship, still following Zapp’s lead. Leela races back onto the birdge.
Leela: We’ve been hit!
Fry: Hey, If I hadn’t been flying, we’d’ve been hit worse. Thank God for Space Invaders and Pac-man! (turns to Zoidberg, cowering in a corner) Hey, Doctor, you can get up now.
Leela: Wow, Fry. I’m impressed. Don’t try anything, don’t say anything or you’ll ruin the moment.
Bender: C’mon, lets go check out the crash, by interplanertary law if they’re dead, we get to keep the limo.
OK, now that it's been updated you need to further your reviews.
Y'know Charles Dickens used to serialise some of his novels like this.Including Oliver Twist.