I Hate My Self For Loving You - a fan fiction

[on:]

Futurama characters by Matt Groening, David X. Cohen, Fox, and the Curiosity Company


Bender: Cheer up meatbag, sure the only woman you'll ever love despises your guts but don't you forget about your best friend, me, Bender.
 
Philip J. Fry: You don't get it do you, you never will, you cold, evil, heartless, metal man(pounds pathetically on Bender's chest plate). You might be my best friend, but I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future.  I mean she's perfect and she doesn't even know it, she is so strong, and beautiful, and, and I don't even know why she doesn't ever realize it.

Bender: Come on Fry, lets get drunk, why can't you drink yourself happy like a normal person.

Philip J. Fry: You go and chase your flooziebots Bender,  I'm not in the mood Bender, can't you see how unhappy I am right now?

Bender: Aw screw you skin tube, I'm off to the bar.

Philip J. Fry: Finally I can try to improve my dismally poor skills with the holophoner. (conjuring up images of all the times they were close, the time down in old New York, on the Titanic, the love note in the sky, him rescuing her from marrying that shape shifting alien scam artist, the opera, etc)  Its no use, she loved Lars, and even though Lars might have been me, he wasn't, he was just that much smarter than I will ever be, he refused to use the time code for the same reason I decided to use it. Damn it all. I've loved her ever since we first met, but that time duplicate waltzes in and ruins everything.

He walks over to his 20th century cd player and rifles through the messy stack of compact disks, and in between them he finds the disk he was looking for. Pressing play it started:
 
Met a girl, thought she was grand
fell in love, found out first hand
went well for a week or two
then it all came unglued

in a trapped trip I can't grip
never thought I'd be the one who'd slip
then I started to realize
I was living one big lie

She fucking hates me
trust
she fucking hates me
la la la la
I tried too hard
and she tore my feelings like I had none
and ripped them away


She was queen for about an hour
after that shit got sour
she took all I ever had
no sign of guilt
no feeling of bad, no

In a trapped trip I can't grip
never thought i'd be the one who'd slip
then I started to realize
I was living one big lie

[Chorus]

that's my story, as you see
learned my lesson and so did she
now it's over and i'm glad
'cause i'm a fool for all i've said

[Chorus]

la la la la la la la la la la
Trust
la la la la la la la la la la
Trust
and she tore my feelings like I had none
she fucking hates me
As he sat there on his stained couch wallowing in his sorrows, as the music hit home. Even a thousand years into the future the lyrics still rang true to how he was feeling at this moment. He walked to the fridge and grabbed a beer and cried himself to sleep.

The next day Philip awoke with a start.

Philip J. Fry: Aw man why does my head hurt, I didn't go out drinking with Bender again, did I? No, but I did have a few remembering Leela, oh crud, I'm supposed to go to work today, there is another important package delivery. Come on Bender, Lets go, I don't feel like taking any more of the wrath of Leela today any more than I already am going to.

Bender: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, Ah Lousy skin tube trying to break in and steal my stuff (grabs and chokes Fry) Oh its you Fry, what are you doing up at this hour?

Philip J. Fry:  I couldn't sleep,  I need to get to Planet Express to begin working, I'm sick and tired of being late all the time, maybe if I was on time for once Leela might finally respect me.

Bender: Ah hah, hah, Oh wait your serious, let me laugh even harder. Face it Fry she said she doesn't want anything to do with you, won't you just give it up already? God damn it Fry, there are other women out there, so what if they have two eyes, can't you just realize this and move beyond her. Look as your roommate I am getting sick and tired of your moping all the time.


Philip J. Fry: I don't know that I can, I mean I've been so close, yet it seems that no matter what I do it ends up in failure. I am still going now, are you coming with me Bender?

Bender: Alright sausage link, but this is the last time I'm putting up with this.

Philip J. Fry: Thanks buddy.

The walked the few blocks to the tube station and headed to Planet Express.

Scene: Planet Express, conference table
Seated at the conference table was Turanga Leela, Hermes Conrad, Amy Wong, and Dr. John D. Zoidberg. Entering Philip J. Fry and Bender

Hermes Conrad: Where da 'ell have you two been, points to Bender and Fry.

Philip J. Fry: What do you mean Hermes? We are only two hours late, which is actually quite early by my standards, besides Bender had to try and rob the liquor store on the way to work this morning.

Hermes Conrad:  Ah, Bender Mon, is what Fry saying true? Cuz if it is I'm going to have to report you to the central bureaucracy, ah that'a be form PR-452-EXR a very complex and tedious form.

Bender: Aw man, why can't you shut you damn trap Fry. I tried, but they didn't make it easy,  I chucked Fry at them but they kept coming.

Hermes Conrad: Well, that concludes the story time for today, now where is the Professa, he said there was a very important announcement about today's delivery.

Enter Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth half asleep on his hover recliner, with drool hanging out the side of his mouth snoring away.

Professor Farnsworth: Eh, Wha.... Where am I, and who are you people?

Hermes Conrad: Professa, its time to tell your crew of lazy green snakes what todays delivery will be.

Professor Farnsworth: Ooh Very Well, Good News Everyone!, today's delivery is to planet Seoul in the Hyundai Galaxy. (On the holographic screen an image of the item to be delivered, the master tooling for the new 3010 HoverGenesis) I must warn you however the citizens of the planet Seoul are fighting with those of the planet Bupyung-gu you will need to fly around the far side of the planet if you are to avoid the raiders. The tooling must arrive at all cost.

Turanga Leela: We got it Professor. Let's get moving, Fry, Bender that tooling won't load itself so get moving.

Philip J. Fry: I'm on it Leela, come Bender.

Bender: “I'm on it Leela” (mimicking Fry in a whiny voice)

Professor  Farnsworth: Oh and don't forget to take Amy with you so she can keep an eye on the ship's dark matter converters, and Zoidberg in case there is a medical emergency.
Turanga Leela: I can see why we might need Amy, but do we really have to bring Zoidberg? I don't think that will be necessary Professor.

Zoidberg: Aww.....

Professor Farnsworth: Very Well.

(The loaded the ship within 1 hour by combining Bender's strength and liberal use of the hover dolly)
Philip J. Fry: Psst... Hey Zoidberg you want to come with us? Then come quietly into the cargo bay before we leave. If you remain hidden until after we leave the solar system Leela probably won't turn around and dump you back here.

Zoidberg: My good friend Fry, thank you so much. (grovels at Fry's feet for a moment before rushing off to hide behind the crates).

Bender: Get your ass in here Fry, Big Boots wants you in your usual station yesterday, quit socializing with that spineless lobster and lets get the show on the road already, so I can get back in time to catch the season premier of All My Circuits.  I wonder how Calculon will get out of the mess they left him in last season.

Fry: (down cast, slightly sad) Alright Bender, I get the point, lets go so you can get back to your stupid cooking and your idiotic robot sitcoms. (walks up the landing gear stairwell)

Turanga Leela: Amy go and check the converters, Fry, you sit in the navigator's chair and be ready to man the turret if and when we need to engage enemy star ships. Bender, you go down to the kitchen and prep our meal, and try not to screw it up this time.

Philip J. Fry: (under his breath) What's gotten into Leela today? Its like something is upsetting her about this delivery or something, which is unusual since she is usually so calm, even when heading into a mission of extreme danger.

As evidenced by Leela's tense mood she uses the nearly vertical launch instead of gently hovering the PES off the ground.

Turanga Leela: What did you say Fry? I couldn't hear you over the sound of the dark matter engine igniting. Amy how are the converters looking.

Amy Wong: Ai ya, Da sa ni, the number three converter is flaky, can I take it off line to see if its something simple and easily repaired in flight?

Turanga Leela: All right Amy, but remember we will be heading into a war zone in a couple of days, we will need all the speed we can muster out of the dark matter engines in case we have to make a break for it. Not to mention all the the space banditos and pirates between Earth and Seoul.

Amy Wong: Alright Leela, don't get your panties in a knot, its not good for your skin. I get it, I'm not as stupid as you think I am missy, I've practically been the only thing keeping this scrap heap flying, especially after some of your more notorious near death escapes.

Bender: Zoidjerk what the hell are you doing hiding in here?
Zoidberg: I was hiding from the wrath of the female Leela, I was afraid she'd hit me again, he cries pathetically into his claws.

Bender: Ah cheer up shellfish, we're nearing the exit of our solar system, there is little chance that Big Boots will turn this tank around and kick your behind to the curb. Now to prepare a meal for my adoring public. A pinch of this, a dash of that.... and voila.

Get in here Meat bags, lunch is ready.

Enter Amy, Fry, and Leela.

Bender: Lunch is served, Chicken ala Bend.

Philip J. Fry: Wow Bender, this looks surprisingly edible.

Turanga Leela: Let's wait until we taste it first, if we get sick Bender I'm going to have Amy remove your head and stick it in between the giant magnets in the engine compartment for the next week and a half.

Bender: Whoa there Big boots, just because I can't taste doesn't mean I can't learn to be a decent chef.

Philip J. Fry: He's right Leela, mmm, it is good.

Amy Wong: Its amazing Bender, so not like your usual cooking. Well I must be off to get that converter back online, it will still fluctuate a bit Leela, and the rest of them might not be much more stable, so please try and warn me even if only just a few moments ahead of any need to run for our lives.

Zoidberg: May I please have some robot, I'm dreadfully hungry.

Turanga Leela: Zoidberg? What in heaven's gate are you doing here? I thought we told you to stay with the Professor and Hermes.

Zoidberg: My good friend Fry, let me on the ship, (Gives Fry a hug) he's the only one of you who never struck me.

Turanga Leela: Is this true Fry?, (sees him squirm under Zoidberg's embrace) Damn it Fry, do you never learn? If you think that by helping an inferior creature I'm going to just suddenly change my mind and accept a date with you? I don't see what ever it was that my parallel self saw in her Fry. You're unambitious, you're dumb, and you certainly love to cause trouble at every opportunity. Not to mention all the times I've had to save you from getting you or us killed.

Phillip J. Fry: I get it, I'm just the moron from the stupid ages to you and I always will be as far as you are concerned. Well screw you little miss perfect. I've saved your life too for your information, you would have married that shape shifter if I hadn't figured out his little scam, oh and you would have killed your parents had I been unable to have the Professor analyze that note that was found with you. Oh I also wasted my time to write an opera for you, only to have you reject every advance I've ever made. I'm sick and tired of your chewing me out. If you need me I'll be in my cabin.


Turanga Leela: (softly) Oh Fry, why did I have to do this again? (normal) Amy please go and check on Fry, I'm afraid I might have been too harsh on him, after all he is from another time.

Amy Wong: You think? He basically dies inside every time you do this to him. God damn it Leela, do you or do you not have feelings for him? I think he is this close (finger and thumb width) from quitting Planet Express, even though we're his only remaining family, all because of how you treat him.

Turanga Leela: How the hell do you know? Does he talk to you? (Amy nods). Really, since when?

Amy Wong: Just because he's a guy doesn't mean he doesn't feel anything Leela, he had wanted a woman's opinion as to what he aught to be doing, and if there was anything he wasn't doing that he should have been, in regards to you Leela. Why couldn't you see that he loved you? I'd have killed to have him feel that way about me, if it wasn't for my Kiffy. Sure he is sweet and all, but he's always so far away, why couldn't you accept the love that was right in front of your face these past 8 years, he is right, nothing he could do would ever be good enough for you Leela. You're so selfish Leela, you won't let him wander off on his own for fear that he might actually find some one who will return his feelings.

Turanga Leela: Really? He really was thinking of me all this time, I've been a fool, I've been so blinded by the negative that I could no longer recognize the positive aspects about him. Please tell me it isn't too late?

Amy Wong: I cannot do that Leela, thats up to him now. He is hurting badly right now. I mean he was this close to killing himself, not just when he gave you his oxygen, or when he got rid of the worms, but just yesterday he was mentioning how he was this close to ending it, because he was no longer sure you were worth all the heartache you've caused him, it took all my skills of persuasion, short of cheating on my Kiffy to convince him not to do it, for you see I still trust him as a good friend even though he is over a thousand years older than I am. If you've ever felt anything more than friendship you need to tell him soon, before he gives up for good.

Turanga Leela: I don't know Amy, I didn't know that's how he really felt, but even so, I can't just be expected to toss aside everything I've ever looked for in a mate and a life partner. He's lazy, unambitious, ok with being a delivery boy, etc. Ok, so he meets the one criterion I never thought of, he had to love me, but is that sufficient, I'm not sure.

Amy walks down to Fry and Bender's cabin and knocks on the door

Philip J. Fry: Who is it? Oh its you Amy, thank goodness, I can't deal with Leela, not after the way I behaved.

Amy Wong: Oh Philip, why must you continue to accept her abuse. She doesn't deserve you, she can't even recognize her own emotions. I know she keeps rattling on about how Zapp was a mistake,  but she deserved it for how blind she has been. (gives Fry a hug)

Philip J. Fry: Thanks Amy, I think you might be right, it would be for the best if I try to move on, but how can I do that when trapped on the vessel with her? I mean, I go to eat, there's Leela, I go to spend a few hours at my station there is Leela, flying the ship as always.

(an alarm sounds)
Turanga Leela: All crew to battle stations it appears that we were found out already, Amy keep an eye on the converters, Bender go down to the torpedo launch bay and ready the torpedoes, and Fry could you go and man the turret.

(standing in the hallway)

Amy Wong: You heard her Fry, lets do this, and I'll try and help you when we get back.

Phillip J. Fry: Alright its time to rock (climbs into turret) I see six targets at 12:30 Leela, should I engage them? (over com link)

Turanga Leela: Not yet Fry, we are going to try and out run them. Amy how are the engines running?

Amy Wong: Converters 1, 4 and 6 are ok, 2 is starting to push into the upper limits, and converter number three is still offline.

Turanga Leela: Can't you get that one back online as soon as possible? We're kind of in the middle of a war zone and need as much speed as we can muster in order to avoid becoming another casualty.

(Laser fire streaks into the shields) You can return fire now Fry.

(the staccato sound of millions of volts of electrical energy building up somewhere in the hull are heard as a whine just before the turret starts to glow as the laser opens fire back upon the ships)

Phillip J. Fry: Wahoo, take that you bastards. (one ship gets hit right in the engine disabling it dead in the water and its cohort can't avoid ramming its way through destroying both ships, the rest of the ships attempt to scramble)

Aboard the leading attack ship translated for your enjoyment

Captain Mongosoid: Damn it, those bastards are making me look foolish, gunning down my best warships, you promised me this would be an easy sniping mission,  officer Mung Kiysu. “Get in, disable their ship, get the tooling, sell it back to the company at a massive profit” Right, look at the mess you have caused me, three hundred warriors cast out into the cold void of space. How will I explain myself to the grand admiral Sun Tzu Kahn now?

Mung Kiysu: I apologize, for I did not realize that they could possibly possess the will of the warrior, their desire to get the package to its rightful owner proves the companies motto after all. “Our crew is expendable, your package isn't.” We have got to kill them out of revenge if nothing else.

Captain Mongosoid: I think not, its best that we leave them alone before we have the DOOP ramming itself down our throats. Not so long as captain blow hard plans to send wave after wave of his own men after those he feels are a threat.

Meanwhile on the Nimbus

Kif: Sir it appears that we are approaching those raiders that we were sent to drive away. Also it appears that the Planet Express Ship is presently engaged in combat against them.

Zapp: Belay that remark soldier, my Leela is in trouble? Let us rescue her by sending wave after wave of my own men after the raiders.

Kif: (sigh) I'm not sure thats wise captain, you remember what happened the last time we interfered with Ms. Turanga and the rest of their crew.

Zapp: No, but I'm assuming it was very, very Erotic, much like this velour, mmmm.... I don't need your I'm not sure its wise attitude Kif. What are you waiting for Kif, prepare for ship to ship intimacy.

Kif: If you say so Captain, (sighs) Calling Captain Leela of the Planet Express Ship, please prepare to board the ship so that we may assist your escape from the raiders.

On board the Planet Express Ship

Autopilot: Incoming call from the Nimbus, will you accept?

Turanga Leela: Oh alright, damn it, this is the last thing I need right now. Oh its you Kif, what do you want?

Kif: I've been ordered by the jackass to ensure you will comply with his orders, or he will definitely have throw you and your crew into the brig.

Amy Wong: Kiffy, is that you? Oh how I've longed to feel my lips pressed against your lipless beak.

Turanga Leela: As long as you promise to allow us safe passage to planet Seoul I guess I have no choice but to comply.

Kif: I will try my best.

(ship to ship docking commenced)

Zapp: If it isn't the lovely lady Leela.....

Turanga Leela: Stuff it Zapp, I'm only here because I didn't want to put my crew into any more danger from the raiders, but I'm starting to think I'd rather take my chances, we were doing rather well until you showed up.

Phillip J. Fry: psst Leela, you aught to respect Zapp's authority, if your not careful we could end up in the brig again, you do remember what happened the last time we were there don't you?

Turanga Leela:(whispering under her breath) Fry, how dare you remind me of that awful night.

Zapp: Kif, do be a dear and escort our guests to their cabins.

Kif: Bender can stay in the broom closet over there, Leela can have the cabin across from Zapp, Amy you can stay with me if you'd like. Fry and Zoidberg can share the cabin next to mine.

The crew sleeps while Zapp's crew blasts the raiders from the relative safety of the Nimbus.

Zapp knocks on the door to Leela's cabin

Zapp: Leela, still alone after all these years?

Turanga Leela: What do you want this time Zapp?

Zapp: I wanted to be with you again Leela. Lets ditch the hairpile. Sham-pag-in?

Turanga Leela: No means no Zapp.
Zapp: Like I said forget the hairpile, you can do better than him, I'm a famous space captain, I can take make you famous beyond your imagination. Lets start by having a drink to celebrate. He takes a swig of champagne

Turanga Leela: NO! Kicks Zapp in his private area and slams the door shut. God why won't he learn, wait, why did I just do that? Why would Zapp's insulting Fry cause me to think any more of him?

Zapp: (oof) Ooh Ho, Ho, could you do that again only a lot softer

Back in the cabin occupied by Fry and Zoidberg hear Arguing over the sounds of Amy and Kif's lovemaking.

Zoidberg: Whats the big deal Fry? Why so glum, chum?

Philip J. Fry: You wouldn't understand Zoidberg, I'm trying to forget how I felt about Leela, but its hard. I have realized that she will never return my feelings in any meaningful way, but I still worry about her.

Zoidberg: The female Leela's problem is merely medical, soon she will hatch her eggs and all will be well. Besides you still have Zoidberg.

Philip J. Fry: Thats not it at all Zoidberg, I just want Leela to be happy, but I deserve some happiness as well, she is so mean, yelling at me if I make a mistake, but nothing for a job well done, a delivery successfully made, a battle narrowly won. I deserve to be treated with respect damn it,  I might not be as intelligent as her, that doesn't mean that I'm any less smart than she is. I'm tired, good night Zoidberg.

The following morning in orbit of Seoul

Turanga Leela: (Knocks on Kif's cabin door) Amy? Come on, we're here, its time to get to the ship and make the delivery.

Amy Wong: Aw, I was enjoying this time with my Kiffy, can't it wait?

Turanga Leela: No, it can't lets go, we need to get Bender, Zoidberg, and Fry and go, that package won't deliver itself.

Amy Wong: Oh alright just give me 5 minutes.


Turanga Leela:(Opens the broom closet) Bender, lets go, so we can get out of here, deliver that package and get back in time for your All My Circuits program.

Bender: Up yours meat bag, how dare you tempt me with All My Circuits in order to make me do work, ah screw it, the show is too powerful, lets get this show on the road already.

Turanga Leela: (Knocks on the door of the cabin of Fry and Zoidberg) Guys, can we get going already? We're here, lets get off of Zapp's ship now, before we get into trouble again.

Zoidberg: I'm coming Leela, but Fry is still asleep. I think he might have drank something funny, he was saying the damnedest things last night, about how he wanted to move on, but might be unable to do so.

Turanga Leela: Move on, how? Like leaving Planet Express? Like giving up on chasing me, what Zoidberg? (grabs Zoidberg by the collar of his white lab coat and gives him a shake)

Zoidberg: I don't know, he was rambling on about a lot of things. He seemed to get really animated, then announce he was going to sleep, and has not woken up yet.

Turanga Leela: You didn't give him anything did you? I swear if you've jeopardized this mission in any way my boot will be crammed so far up your cloaca.... Lets just carry his body onto the ship, he can sleep in his hammock until we land if necessary.

Zoidberg: Got it Leela. (Hoists Fry over his shoulder and starts following Leela back to the ship.

Zapp: Not so fast Leela, before I let you go I have to ask you something. Could you pick up my dry cleaning while you're down there?

Turanga Leela: Is that really all you want? Is it ok if I send Fry to pick it up and deliver it, after all he is the delivery boy.

Zapp: Fine, you win this time Leela, but I'll get you next time.

Within 15 minutes they have arrived at the facility's main dock

Kiabot: Identify yourselves and your purpose for being here.

Philip J. Fry: Hey, what up? We're with Planet Express, and we have a package for you.

Kiabot: Planet Express? You've survived the raider attack, does that mean that the new tooling is here?

Phillip J. Fry: Yeah, and if you'd just sign here, and here, and over there we can deliver it. (hands the robot a pen). Thank you for choosing Planet Express.

Kiabot: No need, your portion of the delivery is complete, allow our robot workers to take the package to the assembly area.

Philip J. Fry: Ok, besides for some reason which I can't seem to understand Leela has asked me to go to the dry cleaner's and pick up something belonging to Zapp, what's with those two lately? Ah nevermind you wouldn't know what I mean, you're just a factory robot.
Fry walks to the dry cleaners

Seoul Cleaners clerkbot: Ticket or name of the person who's laundry is to be picked up.

Philip J. Fry: I think it was under Zapp Brannigan, or possibly under Kif Kroker, of the DOOP ship Nimbus.

Seoul Cleaners clerkbot: Ah yes that pompous blow hard, I suppose he will be charging it to his DOOP account, as usual, freaking bureaucracy, takes for ever to get paid, but it pays the bills. Three DOOP issued Velour uniforms, you can tell Mr. Brannigan that it will be 3,769 Earthican dollars charged against his account.

Philip J. Fry: Thank you sir. (Grabs the package of suits)

Fry then proceeds to walk back to the ship

Philip J. Fry: I've delivered the package and also picked up Zapp's laundry as you ordered me to for some reason Leela.

Turanga Leela: I have my reasons leave me alone damn it. You're not the boss of me!

Philip J. Fry: Calm down Leela, I was just wondering why you would have agreed to help Zapp after all don't you hate his guts? Anyhow I've made the delivery, my job on this mission is over until we get to the Nimbus again. If you need me I'll be in the galley getting some food.

En route to the galley

Amy Wong: Hey Fry, how are you? Please don't be planning on doing anything stupid, when delivering those uniforms to Zapp.

Philip J. Fry: Amy, am I ever glad to see you, something strange is going on with Leela and Zapp, I just don't know what it is. I guess I should just deliver them and get out as quickly as possible.

Amy Wong: I wouldn't worry about what ever Leela does so long as it doesn't put you directly into harms way. Maybe we should talk later, it looks like you could use some food and rest before being forced to deliver the uniforms to Zapp.

Philip J. Fry: You're right as usual Amy, I don't know what I'd have done if it wasn't for your assistance I may not even be here right now (gently hugs Amy). Thanks Amy for saving me from my self.

Fry pokes his head into the galley, and sees Bender working on making some food.

Philip J. Fry: Hey Bender, what are you cooking up now, I'm so hungry I could almost eat anything right now.

Bender: I'm whipping up some of my famous Benderburgers, you want one?

Philip J Fry: Sure Bender, that sounds good right about now.
Bender: Sure thing skin tube. Would you like a deep fried rat with that?

Philip J. Fry: No thanks Bender, I'll just stick with Slurm.

Bender: Your loss Fry, here you go, your Benderburger is done, the Slurm is in the fridge. Grab me a booze while you're up meat bag.

Philip J. Fry: Here you go (hands bender a Lobrau). Thanks Bender, this looks edible. I'll be in the cabin if Leela comes looking for me to deliver the laundry to Zapp.

Half an hour later the ship is on course to intercept the Nimbus to complete the delivery of the cloths

Turanga Leela: Bender we're almost to the Nimbus, I really want to just get in and out as quickly as possible. Could you tell Fry to get in here?

Bender: Mimicking Leela in a whiny voice “Could you tell Fry to get in here?” What's in it for me, Bender?

Turanga Leela: Ok fine damn it, here's 20 dollars go and get Fry already.

Bender: (Grabs the money) Sure thing Big Boots. Walks to the cabin and starts trying to wake Fry up. Get up meat bag, Big Boots says its time to give the laundry back to her Loverboy.

Philip J. Fry: Did she say lover boy are you trying to get me upset over Leela? I think it was the second one, but I don't really care what Leela does anymore. Lets get this delivery over so we can get back to New New York. Gets up grabs the uniforms and heads to the airlock.

Turanga Leela: (over intercom at airlock) Drop off the clothing and come right back here Fry.

Philip J. Fry: Eye Eye captain.

Fry walks the suits through the airlock and into the Nimbus, where upon he spotted Kif waiting looking like he too didn't really want to be there.

Philip J. Fry: Hey Kif, how are you? I've got those suits from the cleaners for your boss.

Kif Kroker: Hello Fry, I'm ok. Will you tell Amy I miss her for me? (Signs the slip and takes the uniforms from Fry)

Philip J. Fry: I can do that for you, besides she loves you, you're so lucky. Just don't let Zapp get you killed.
 
Kif Kroker: Thank you Fry, you're a good friend. I've heard of your troubles with Leela, please don't let  her inability to recognize a good friendship when it happens cause you to harm yourself. She may be kinder than Zapp, but she seems nearly as blind to what really matters as he is.

Fry walks back through the airlock and onto the Planet Express ship.


Amy Wong: How did the delivery go Fry?

Philip J. Fry: It went fairly well since I got to do it with Kif, he says he misses you already by the way, he asked me to remind you of that fact.

Amy Wong: Thank you Philip, I'll try and give him a call when we get back to New New York.

Philip J. Fry: You're welcome. I have a question, Amy, do you know if its possible to repair the brain and nerve damage I could have caused when getting rid of the parasites? I don't want to do it for Leela, but because it might make it easier for me to maintain focus on both my job and to possibly improve for myself. I'd really like to be certified to fly the ship, I know I've not been the greatest when flying the ship in the past and would like to do it.

Amy Wong: Hrm, that may indeed be possible, but it might require the use of medical grade nanites to repair the damage, but there is a chance that it might make things worse. Are you certain that you don't wish to remain as you are? It should not affect your personality but it aught to allow you to remember more, and remain focused.

Philip J. Fry: I'm sure Amy. I'm tired of being just another chump to Bender, first he steals my stuff and tries to sell it back to me, also he's stolen my blood. If being able to focus means I won't be as dangerous to the people I've come to love as my family then that would be good.

Amy Wong: Do you want me to ask the professor for help, or would you feel more comfortable if we kept this from people we know until you're ready to tell them? I'm studying engineering, but I know a friend or two who might be able to help.

Philip J. Fry: Thanks Amy, lets try and keep it fairly quiet, if you trust these people I will defer the technical portion to you, (gently hugs Amy), I'm so very tired now, I need rest.

Amy Wong: You do look beat, I guess all that running around delivering things and dealing with both Leela and Zapp all in the same day took its toll on you.

Fry walks to his cabin and immediately lays down in the hammock.

Bender: So what did you just interface with Fry or something?

Amy Wong: No Bender, we were just talking about helping Fry move beyond Leela. He's been in such mental agony these past 8 years, ever since he came to the future, with her leading him on, using him when she needed or wanted to feel better about her self, for god sakes he even kept her from killing her parents.

Bender: Sure you were just talking, thats why he hugged you before walking away? Something tells me that looks mighty suspicious, I'm sure your squishy green boy friend would want to know if there was something going on between you and Fry.

Amy Wong: I'm serious Bender, Fry's just a really special friend, who is hurting deeply right now, and has been for a long time, although he usually kept it fairly well hidden. He tended to live in the moment and act happier than he really was.

Bender: You think I don't know that, what do you think he did when he wasn't out drinking him self stupid with me, or the rest of you, or on a delivery, he would wallow around in the apartment thinking about Leela, and playing that holophoner of his. It got to the point that a robot could hardly get any sleep. I almost killed him several times, except I can sort of understand where he was coming from, what with the Countess, and Anglene. He was always good for a laugh for doing something so absurd, but what if he grows beyond that, what will I, Bender, do?

Amy Wong: I see Bender, please don't hurt him, he's been through so much already. I mean Leela never knew her parents, but Fry was yanked away from his family. Thats got to be sadder, knowing you'll never see them again, she at least has all the time in the universe, as long as she doesn't get caught. I know I don't always act like I'm on the best of terms with my parents, what with my mother always asking me when she will have grandchild, but I love them anyhow.

Bender: Ooh, lets be nice to the meatbag or he might kill himself, oh wait don't you know that's how we met? He was trying to find his great......great nephew by walking right into a suicide booth line, right in front of me. He must have thought it was a pay telephone, except that those don't exist now, except at Past-O-Rama.

Amy Wong: Oh my God, that's so sad, wait, why were you in line for the suicide booth Bender?

Bender: I was bending girders in a factory, but I could no longer go on after I found out what the girders were for, suicide booths. I had resorted to end my meaningless existence until that day where upon Fry helped to show me that a life of crime and alcohol was far better than turning myself into a pile of scrap metal.

Amy Wong: Aw, Bender, it looks like Fry has saved you also, he certainly is special in his own way. If any one of the various factors that brought him safely to the future changed we would never know just how sweet he can be.

Turanga Leela: (on intercom) Amy, have you got that converter back online yet? The ship still feels unresponsive.

Amy Wong: Guh, quit trying to jerk the controls all over the place, we've gotten away from the midst of the war zone, but if you could have waited I might have been able to reassemble the converter, but it was too dangerous back there.

Turanga Leela: Oh, here I thought it was my job to ensure the safety of this crew at all costs, by doing what ever I deemed necessary.

Amy Wong: I didn't say that Leela. However an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, had we come in from the far side of the planet away from the space in which the war was being waged, we might have been able to avoid getting in the middle of the fight that was not our own.

Turanga Leela: Things don't always work out quite as nice as your little theories would suggest, just because I haven't studied engineering does not mean that I can't figure out battle strategies, ok so maybe I favor a more direct approach in dealing with the threat, none of this sneaking around and flying beneath the stereo-opticon screen. Thats for cowards, and I'm not going to tread softly into that good night.

Amy Wong: Very well, but one of these days you're going to get yourself or some one you care about killed. Its been too close already, what with you bringing a baby queen bee on the ship because you thought we could have our own hive that way, you very nearly killed Fry, and yourself. Don't forget that Leela, I'm almost certain that the only reason you are even conscious is the fact that as soon as the doctors were able to help Fry. He immediately got out of bed  against the advice of the doctors sat at your bedside and tried to reach out to you. I can't imagine how deeply he must have loved you, you almost get him killed and he is the one attempting to save you, you're truly selfish Leela. Stalks off to go work on the ship some more.

Several hours later the ship approaches the solar system and the big blue velour marble known as earth.

Turanga Leela: (into the videophone) Hermes, can we get permission to land, and could you open the doors to the hanger?

Hermes Conrad: Roger that Leela, I copy your request for permission to land, and you can consider it granted. (Opens hanger doors)

Ship hovers above the landing pad, and gingerly touches down. The sounds of the dark matter engines shutting down.

The crew starts filing down the landing leg stairs, first Leela, then Bender, followed by Amy, then trailing the rest of the crew, yet staying closer to Amy is Fry.

Hermes Conrad: Come on Leela, it's time for da post flight debriefing session.

Turanga Leela: Aw man, do we really have to today Hermes? I'm tired, and need to get back to my apartment to feed nibbler and get some sleep.

Hermes Conrad: Yes, its in da contract, we need to discuss how the delivery went, I hear you made another unscheduled delivery to the Nimbus. Get into my office now mon.

Amy Wong: Fry, do you have any plans for this evening?

Philip J. Fry: Uh no, why, should I? You know I don't think ahead, although there are times I should have looking back on it now. I know she said she was the fully justified prudent fool back when I was writing the opera, but it feels like I was really the fool for believing that I'd ever have a snowballs chance in hell of being anything more than a barely tolerated aggravation to Leela. I've wasted so much energy in the hopes that she would come to think of me as more than just a friend, and for one glorious moment, all but forever lost in the time slips, I had it, and then it was over. I never did con her into it, I did the most amazing wonderfully romantic thing, and no one could remember it until that fateful day where we took the doomsday device to the Tempest Nebula. I saw what I did, and she destroyed it right before my eyes, I had used the gravity pump to move the stars themselves to write her a love letter in the sky.

Amy Wong: You did not!, (sees him on the verge of breaking down again) Really? I'm sorry I doubted you about it, (gingerly hugs him) don't let her throwing away the best thing that could ever have happened to her, ie you, cause you to hurt yourself.

Philip J Fry: Thank you for caring Amy, you're a good friend, much better than Bender, who just loves to stomp on any fragment of happiness I've got left.

[Reply #1 on:]

Overall: 3-4 chuckles

Some of the dialogue was too similar to ones from the show, but I did like some of it.

I didn't really buy some of the things Amy said, and I think indeed and aught are words she really shouldn't say, or she isn't herself.

Some very good sentences in there, didn't write them down, but they're in there.

The remembering of the things Fry has done for Leela was good, but maybe too emphasised, still, nicely done... whatever.

Overall I'd rate it a C+ for an episode, as I am kinda more for the funny side of Futurama. However, incredibly emotional stuff gives it at least one letter plus. And that C+ was really to quote.

A-- (and it's not the worst grade imaginable )

[Reply #2 on:]

New fic is always welcome!

Good so far, like Amy being a little more useful / good friend for Fry.

Keep it up!

[Reply #3 on:]

More to come, still working on this story, with no clear end in sight, I have a few ideas, but still need to flesh it out

[Reply #4 on:]

I don't know why, but I thought it was funny to use Asian names/places for planets/solar systems.

[Reply #5 on:]

It is good. I also like the fact that Amy is being helpful to Fry. Can't wait to read more.

[Reply #6 on:]

Nice fiction. I guess we all started our fictions simular way.

something strange is going on with Leela and Zapp

Is it what I am thinking about!!??
By the way I can recognize the song. Who is the artist and what's the title?

[Reply #7 on:]

I Hate Myself For Loving You is the title of the song and the singer is none other than my very favorite female rocker, Joan Jett.

[Reply #8 on:]

And I quite intend to write it into the story, but it didn't quite fit with Fry's depressed state since it was a female vocalist, it might come up later. The title of the song fits his mood however, and some one else may end up crying to this particular song

[Reply #9 on:]

Here is another piece of the puzzle, if any one cares please feel free to comment.

Meanwhile back in Hermes' office.

Hermes Conrad: You know dark matter's expensive, yet you disregarded your direct orders of delivering the package we were paid to deliver, and instead made an unscheduled stop ova on da Nimbus, and den lata made a second unscheduled stop to deliver laundry to Zapp. Explain yourself.

Turanga Leela: We were caught in the middle of the kill zone between Seoul and Bupyung-gu when the crew of the Nimbus decided to assist our escape from the middle of the war zone and place us in orbit over Seoul so that we could make our delivery, however in exchange for his hospitality Zapp demanded one thing in return, that we run the errand which has gotten you so wound up. I hesitantly agreed to have Fry make the delivery in order to prevent my crew and myself from being locked up in the brig of the Nimbus again. Something tells me that Planet Express is worthless without either its crew or its ship.

Hermes Conrad: You lot are expendable, I'm sure we could have gotten the ship back from the DOOP if we went through the proper channels, and the mountains of glorious papa work.

Turanga Leela:  Damn it Hermes, you think that replacement crew of yours would be able to survive even a fraction of length of time that we have, you'd be sadly mistaken, not with the incredible amount of dangerous and idiotic missions you've accepted on the basis that Mom's Friendly Delivery Company wouldn't dare send its more valued crew members into harms way.

Hermes Conrad: Well dat is true, you lot have seemingly survived beyond our expectations. I suppose we do owe you a little bit of leeway in making decisions regarding the safety of this crew, but the moment that your actions further jeopardize the safety of the cargo and the crew I'm going to have to ground you and send Amy to pilot the ship without you for a few weeks, should she be capable of performing said duty.

Turanga Leela: Alright, damn it, I've done my best to ensure the safety of both the cargo and this crew, we've had a few rough scrapes, but we've almost always come back in one piece.

Hermes Conrad: You may go home for the night now, consider this your warnin, keep the ship flying, and Planet Express in business and we won't have to turn ya in for being what you were born as.

Cut back to the Planet Express Lounge

Amy looks over her shoulder and sees Leela emerging from Hermes' office

Amy Wong: Take Care Fry, I need to get home and give Kif a call, remember what we discussed.

Philip J Fry: I guess I can give it a shot. You can let him know that I didn't fail in his request.

Turanga Leela: Hey Fry, are you going to the ape fight tonight?

Philip J. Fry: No Leela, I'm going to O'Zorgnax's Pub to have a couple of drinks and relax after another stressful mission.

Turanga Leela: I see, well I must be off to go feed Nibbler. Please don't hate me just because I don't feel the same way about you that you did about me.

Philip J. Fry: I guess, but just let it go ok, this is much harder for me than it is for you, and you know it, I see now that this is what you've wanted the entire time. I'll see you on the next mission.

They part and go their separate ways, Leela towards apartment 1I, and Fry towards O'Zorgnax's Pub

Fry walks into O'Zorgnax's Pub and sits at the bar

The bartender: Hey buddy what will you have?

Philip J. Fry: Beer.

The Bartender: Any particular kind?

Philip J. Fry: Löbraü if you've got it, otherwise I just want to try and forget about something, or rather some one, so your strongest cheapest beer that is safe for humanoids.

The Bartender: One Löbraü coming up, that'll be $5.25. (Fry puts the money down on the bar top, and the barkeep opens and sets the drink in front of him.)

Philip J. Fry: (starts drinking the beer) What am I going to do? Being with Leela is out of the question, but maybe some of the things she was trying to help me with may be a good idea. I need to try and be a bit more serious, but if I had been thinking ahead I wouldn't even be here now. This will be hard but I must try and change, if I am to make something of my self. I've outlived most of my family sleeping in the freezer tube, but they wouldn't be proud of me, not yet.

Bender: Oh Ho what have we here, do I spy my pet meat bag sitting alone looking sad and nursing a beer. Yo Fry, why are you so  (looks up his human machine interface dictionary for the expression on Fry's face.) focused? That’s completely unlike you, usually you're just sitting there moaning about Leela, or trying to play that damned holophoner of yours.

Philip J. Fry: Oh, hey Bender, I didn't see you come in just now. I was thinking about maybe leaving Planet Express and trying to make something of my self. Maybe try to go back and finish school, or get my pilot's license and work for Mom Corp's Friendly Delivery Company.

Bender: Leave Planet Express, are you out of your mind Fry? The professor and that screwball clone of his are the only family you have left in this universe, are you going to let Leela drive you away from them? Well I know you can't stand Cubert but don't you think the professor will be disappointed?

Philip J. Fry: You're right Bender I will miss the amoral old crackpot, but I have to do something Bender. It hurts so much to think of being near the one who left me shattered and broken.

Bender: So you really loved that one-eyed meat bagette? I always thought you were just trying to make me Bender, jealous of her. I'm sorry for your loss meat bag, but don't let beat you. Go ahead and beat her at her own game, show her that she's not the only one capable of doing the job, make her suffer just as badly as she has done to you.

Philip J. Fry: You're right Bender, but I still think that it would help to get some more training and to exercise more.

Bender: Eh whatever goads your toad. Just don't forget who your friend is, me, Bender.

Philip J. Fry: Sure thing buddy, lets go home, I need to sleep this off before planning on meeting with Amy to try to think of what to do.

Bender: Whets going on between you two meat bags lately?

Philip J. Fry: Look Bender, there is nothing except friendship going on between Amy and I right now, but she has been helping me to try to move beyond Leela. Besides she and Kif are still together.

They walk back to the Robot Arms Apartments.
The next morning Fry is jolted awake by the shrill sound of an alarm for the first time in a thousand years.

Philip J. Fry: groan (scrambles to try and find the alarm but slips on the mess on the floor and cops a blow to the head for his troubles). Stupid alarm, why are you so far away from the bed.

Bender: That’s because you gave me a crisp nixonbuck to place the alarm in an inconvenient place so that you would get off your posterior and wake up, you said you were supposed to get cleaned up and go meet with Amy about something or another, since it doesn’t involve me Bender, I completely ignored the rest of it.

[Reply #10 on:]

Is this an anti-romance fic, or is this leading up to a Fry/Amy pairing?

Either way, I approve.

[Reply #11 on:]

Well It was kind of going against Fry/Leela, but I won't reveal just yet if it goes towards Amy or not.... There might be some one else a bit later, but it might not work, so stay tuned...

[Reply #12 on:]

i love fry and leela...call me conformist, but i honestly do.  leela CAN be a bit stupid sometimes--this is how you know the show was created by a man.  if a guy was like that to a girl, she would be smitten.

[Reply #13 on:]

Here is another chunk of story for you to digest, but I must warn you Haley isn't as pure as she appears at first

Philip J. Fry: Oh right, runs into the shower, then shaves and gets dressed his signature outfit, blue jeans, white t-shirt, and red jacket.

New New York Metropolitan Library

Philip J. Fry:  I don’t know why I agreed to meet Amy in the library, I haven’t even been back in the library since that time with the brains.

Amy Wong: Philip, you made it here in one piece and on time. I’m so glad you could make it, where should we begin?

Philip J. Fry: Shouldn’t we begin at the beginning? I thought you would know that, but really we need to figure out what I need to do in order for me to improve my skills.

Amy Wong: Ok, lets start with a list of things you are looking to accomplish and try to come up with a way that you can achieve them one piece at a time.

Philip J. Fry: I would like to be a certified starship pilot, to get a degree and not just my certificate of failure to graduate from Coney Island community college, and to eventually meet some one who will actually reciprocate my feelings and not just grind me beneath her heel.

Amy Wong: I suppose these are relatively easy to accomplish if you set your mind to, but first we need to work on trying to decide on whether or not to use the nanites to speed up the process. Done correctly they can increase your attention span and repair the damage caused by your removal of the worms.

Philip J. Fry: There is always a catch isn’t there Amy?

Amy Wong: That’s right Fry, good job. The catch is that the nanites sometimes mistake cancer cells for normal ones and provide the signals to the tissue and cells as a signal to start growing. This is however very rare in most cases due to 99% of the current human population having been vaccinated at birth to prevent all types of cancer from forming.

Philip J. Fry: You mean it might kill me? So you’re saying that it might be a bit safer than flying these delivery missions, seeing as every mission we’ve ever been on has usually ended up in us running for our lives, or getting shot at in space. Although most of the time the running might have been unnecessary if I’d been paying attention. (frowns) No wonder Leela only likes egotistical jerks, they at least appear to be looking at the big picture.

Amy Wong: Spleesh Fry! I thought we were trying to let that go, let us focus on the future and not getting hung up on the past. So you still want to use the nanites? (Fry nods) Let me see if I can call the professor of nanotechnology at Mars University.
           Calls the professor: “Professor Chang, its Amy Wong, yes I was in your class on nanotechnology.”

Professor Chang:  Ah yes, the daughter of the Wong’s, how may I assist you young lady?

Amy Wong: I need help finding some nanites, the ones that fix someone’s body.

Professor Chang: May I ask why you are inquiring about this subject?

Amy Wong: I have a friend of mine who might have damaged his brain a bit to remove some unclool worms and wants to repair the damage.

Professor Chang: I see, when do you think you and this friend of yours can make the trip over here to perform the nanite injection?

Amy Wong: How does a week from Saturday sound?

Professor Chang: I shall clear my calendar for you and your friend.

Amy Wong: Thanks Professor. (hangs up her wristamjig) Fry, we have an appointment to see one of my professors from Mars University a week from Saturday.

Philip J. Fry: Thanks Amy. (gently gives her a hug) You’re a good friend.

Amy Wong: You’re welcome Fry (hugs him back), you’ll get through this. Shman its time for me to call my Kiffy, see you later Fry.

Philip J. Fry:  Wow, look at all those books, wait a minute, this is the future, why are there so many paper books, shouldn’t they be on some sort of holodisk or something?

Haley Cometa: Hello Sir, the reason that there are all these paper books, is that they are some of the most user friendly, and simple devices to have come out of the pre digital era. Even if there was no longer any electricity as long as you had light you can always recapture the knowledge printed on the page, the same cannot be said about the digital version.

Philip J. Fry: That makes sense, I just thought that by this point in time that paper books would be a thing of the past, relegated to past I left behind, my name is Philip J. Fry, what is yours miss?

Haley Cometa: I’m Haley Cometa, a graduate student from N.N.Y.U., what is this past you left behind?

Philip J. Fry: It’s a long story, but I’ll try to explain it, I was born in 1974, and on December 31, 1999 I was sent to make a pizza delivery, only this was no normal pizza delivery. My girlfriend at the time had just dumped me, and had taken off with some other guy in a taxi, “I put your stuff out on the sidewalk” she said. As I continued to ride my bike towards the cryogenics lab I told myself, “I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life.” Then I arrived at the cryogenics lab, “Pizza delivery for Uh Icy Wiener, aw crud, at this point in my life I thought I’d be the one making the Crank calls.” There was no one there except for the people in the freezer tubes, one of the tubes was open, I decided to sit down at the desk in front of this tube playing with a noise maker and taking a few sips of the beer I had been asked to deliver with the pizza, just before the clock struck midnight I said Here’s to another lousy millennium, and lost my balance in the chair and fell into the freezer tube, and here I am, over a thousand years later and my life hasn’t gotten much better.

Haley Cometa: Oh, wait a minute, are you the Philip J. Fry who wrote the opera Turanga Leela – Orphan of the Stars? That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard, right up until the moment the Robot Devil came to take his hands back.

Philip J. Fry: (He starts to hang his head between his hands) Yeah, that was me, but in case you were wondering nothing ever happened between Leela and I, no matter what I tried I’ve never been good enough for her. She was the third person I met upon waking up from the freezer tube, but when I tried to run from my permanent career chip assignment she had originally been sent to find me and implant the chip, in the end she had quit, and we had gone to work for my great times 30 nephew Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth.

Haley Cometa: I see, so are you seeing anyone? I mean I saw you meeting with that billionaire heiress, Amy Wong, and hugging her before she left, but I’m not sure what to make of it.

Philip J. Fry:  Amy Wong is the engineering intern at Planet Express is my friend. She has been trying to help me get over Leela, and the hug was just a friendly good bye, I had even thought about killing my self over Leela, but Amy helped me to see that it wasn’t worth it. Besides she is seeing some one, a DOOP Lieutenant by the name of Kif Kroker, who is stationed on the Nimbus, commanded by none other than the one and only “Zapp Brannigan”.

Haley Cometa: You’ve met the Zapp Brannigan?

Philip J. Fry: I’ve met the real Zapp Brannigan, and he’s not the hero every one says he is, he’s a big coward, he flew the Titanic into a black hole, then tried to pass the command to Lieutenant Kroker. I also saw him blow up the new DOOP headquarters in orbit above the Neutral Zone, and then on a later occasion try and fly the Planet Express Ship into the Neutral Planet. How does some one so incompetent become so powerful as to command one of the Earth, and the DOOP’s largest Warship.

Haley Cometa: Wow, he’s always seemed a bit arrogant, but I’ve never met anyone who had been near him, to know what he was really like. I couldn’t help but catch the end of your conversation with Amy, something about nanites, why would you do something that risky?

Philip J. Fry: I once ate a sandwich which contained parasites, and they had made me better, smarter, and stronger, and Leela had fallen in love with me, well not really me, her exact words were “I love what you have become”, what I’d become? So I created a microdroid and went inside my self, using a net suit to try and ask the parasitic worms to leave, but they refused to do so.  I ended up damaging my brain and threatened to sever my medulla oblongata, control center of the heart and lungs.

Haley Cometa: If you had done that you’d be dead right now, let me guess they left, and you therefore went back to try and see if she had loved you or them, and was disappointed in the answer?

Philip J. Fry: How did you know?

Haley Cometa: Its written all over your face, I’m sorry to pry into your life as deeply as I had, but I like to get a thorough understanding of some one I’d like to get to know better.

Philip J. Fry: I don’t want to get the nanites to repair the damage I caused to my brain in order to get together with Leela, but I would like to be able to think things over more clearly, and to not be classified as the moron from the stupid ages any longer.

Haley Cometa: Now I understand, you’re trying to do better than you were in 1999. This is most intriguing, as I’ve never met some one who was cryogenically frozen yet so thoroughly embraced the 30th century and all its quirks. You truly are unique Philip, most of the men I have met from this time are not like you. Would you like to come over to my place for a drink, and to continue our conversation?

Philip J. Fry: Uh, you’re inviting me over for a drink? We’ve only just met, wouldn’t you rather go with a scientist, or something?

Haley Cometa: Oh Philip, you’re so cute when you’re trying to act noble, just accept the offer and we can continue to have a wonderful evening, or reject the offer and leave me disappointed.

Philip J. Fry: In that case what are we waiting for, let’s go before we get yelled at for talking in the library.

Haley Cometa: Relax Philip, this isn’t the 20th century that you came from, no one will even notice our little conversation, but if you’re ready to go then follow me.

Apartment 2371 Tesla Towers

Haley Cometa: Welcome to my humble abode, care for that drink now?

Philip J. Fry:  Wow, this place sure makes mine look like a dump. Sure, what do you have?

Haley Cometa: I’m glad you like it, have a seat, I’ll be right back with those drinks after changing into something a bit more comfortable.

Philip J. Fry: What am I getting my self into, I mean I’ve only just met Haley, but its as though the connection I once felt with Leela has been replaced with this strange sensation, or maybe it’s just the Slurm coursing through my body. (mmm slurm, man I could really go for a glass right now)

(Haley walks out from the kitchen holding two glasses of Champaign, her hair is now hanging loosely from her head, and she is wearing a silk robe tied off loosely over a nightgown)

Haley Cometa:  (Hands Fry a glass) Here you go Philip,  (Notices the way he is staring at her) now its not nice to stare Philip.

Philip J. Fry: (turns his head away to stare at the blank wall) I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re so smart, and beautiful. Heaven must be missing an angel, and I can’t help but feel a little better just being in your presence.

Haley Cometa: Aww that’s so sweet, gently sets down her glass, reaches over to Fry and begins to kiss him deeply on the lips.

Philip J. Fry: Ooof… hmm… mmm… (starts to kiss back, softly at first but then picking up intensity, as well as pulling her tighter into an embrace, they fall over onto the couch and make out like horny teenagers for about 15 minutes.

Haley Cometa: (seductively) Come on, I’ll show you the bedroom. (Grabs Fry by the collar)

…. They had snu-snu…

The following morning:

Philip J. Fry: Wow…. That was amazing, and she looks so beautiful even without a stitch of clothing.

Haley Cometa: Come here Philip, come on lets go take that shower now.

Philip J. Fry: Aw, do I have to?

Haley Cometa: If you don’t then I’ll just have to take that shower all by myself, then you’ll just have to take a cold shower before heading off to work. You don’t want to take a cold shower do you?

Philip J. Fry:  Well in that case Haley, what are we waiting for?

They walk together into the shower. They then fool around under the water for a while, kissing, and fondling each other under the warm soapy water.

Philip J Fry: mmm….oof.

Haley Cometa: mmm….Oh Phillip, we shouldn’t, not now, its time to finish getting cleaned up and getting you off to work on time, that aught to shock them awake.

Philip J. Fry:  Aw man, can I at least get your number to give you a call during the delivery? Would you like to go to dinner when I get back from work?

Haley Cometa: Oh, Philip I’d love to go out with you tonight, and I’ll give you my number right before we leave for the day.

They get dressed and walk to the tube station on the corner of her block.

Philip J. Fry: Hold on Haley, he tells the tube Planet Express.

They arrive outside the Planet Express building

Haley Cometa: Here we are, I sense you’re not ready to introduce me to your co-workers just yet, but that’s ok, here, have this card with my number on it and a kiss for later. (Smooooch)

Philip J. Fry: Looks down for a second, You’re so smart, and beautiful, and everything I’ve ever looked for in a woman, please tell me you don’t have four other boyfriends waiting in the wings?

Haley Cometa: Oh heavens no, I’ve had such rotten luck with love, no one I’ve ever dated has lasted two weeks without something tragic happening to them, but that isn’t important, now run along and get to work, I do expect you’ll call me tonight, yes? (he sort of nods)

Scene: Planet Express Employee Lounge

Philip J. Fry: Hey Hermes, what up?

Hermes Conrad: Sweet kookaburra of Edinbura, Fry is actually on time for once, that lazy green snake. Fry since you’re the first one here this morning you can make yourself useful by cleaning out the cargo hold of the ship from the last delivery.

Philip J. Fry: Ok, I’m on it, (walks towards the ship) Presses the button to lower the cargo bay door and is immediately and completely inundated by polystyrene packing peanuts Oof, brushes himself off and grabs the hose to the vacuum/recycling machine, and started warbling to his own rendition of Walking on Sunshine, “ I’m walkin` on sunshine, hmmm…..” while cleaning the cargo bay of the ship.

Meanwhile at the entrance of Planet Express:

Bender: Hey Big boobs, did Fry go over to your place last night?

Turanga Leela: What? Of course not, why would you ask me that, you know how upset he was when I said I didn’t want to go on a date with him for the last time, besides I had dinner with my parents last night.

Bender: Now don’t have one of those things you humans do when you hear bad news but Fry didn’t come home yesterday after his meeting at the library with Amy, I thought he might have tried to beg you to change your mind, but I guess he just ran into the nearest suicide booth, ah well I’ll miss that meat bag, but life goes on, and now I’ll be able to have more flooziebots over at my place.

Turanga Leela: Fry wouldn’t do that, would he? Besides he probably doesn’t even know what a suicide booth looks like, I mean its not like any one has ever survived one of those contraptions.

Bender: Don’t be so sure about that Leela, hasn’t Fry ever told you how he and I, Bender first met?

Turanga Leela: No, he never did mention it, why, is there something you’re trying to tell me Bender? (grabs Bender by the arms and gives him the evil eye).

Bender: It was December 31, 2999 and I had resorted to end my pathetic existence, bending girders for suicide booths. As I walked into the nearest suicide booth line I saw a guy with fiery orange hair with two spikes,

Turanga Leela: It was Fry wasn’t it, that idiot….

Bender: Look do you want to hear the story or not?, don’t interrupt my memory file. Now where was I? Oh right, “Wow! A real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?”, said the man with the orange hair. Bite my shiny metal ass, I said. He then said, It doesn't look so shiny to me. To which I replied; Shinier than yours, meatbag! He then stepped into the booth. After waiting for a few seconds, I impatiently replied, Listen, buddy, I'm in a hurry here. Let's try for a two-fer! “Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call.”, he said. To which the booth responded, “You have selected Slow and horrible”. “Great choice… Bring it on baby! ... C'mon, c'mon! Kill me already! By the way, my name's Bender!”  “Help! What's happening?”, He said. [The sharp objects move forward. Fry pushes Bender to the side of the booth. The sharp things stab and twist at the air and finally return to behind the hatch.]. The booth now said, “You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop-N-Drop, America's favorite suicide booth since 2008.” To which I, Bender replied “Lousy, stinking rip-off! Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today. Let's go get drunk!.

That is how I met that meatbag called Fry. Now that I’ve told you the story you owe me $25 dollars.

Turanga Leela: Damn it Bender, couldn’t you have told me earlier you expected money for sharing the memory of your best friend, grudgingly hands him the money. Oh I hope he hasn’t killed himself, he was kind of sweet in his own boyish way, I just wished he was a little more serious, and a little bit less lazy.

Meanwhile somewhere a few blocks from Planet Express

Haley Cometa: (into the videophone of her wristamajigy) I’m almost certain that we’ve got him right where we want them. The plan goes off as scheduled, we capture the targets sometime after their next delivery to the Hyundai Galaxy. You do remember your end of the deal Mr. Smith, you and your crew are to capture and hold the targets for ransom, do be sure and rough up the orange haired idiot for me, and the woman with the purple hair is yours if you think you can control her.

Mr Smith: I think that I, Mr. Zapp Smith know what needs to be done, just make sure that they don't know anything of this agreement.

Haley Cometa: You mean I have to keep this charade up until then? Fine, but you damned well better deliver what you promised.

Mr Smith: Mr Smith always keeps his promises to a pretty lady such as yourself. Remember, do be sure and arrange a false delivery in that galaxy.

[Reply #14 on:]

Pardon the delay, and I know it is technically a double post, but some months have taken place between them. Here is another part of the story

Meanwhile back at Planet Express

Philip J Fry: Well the ship is cleaned and ready to go, where the heck is the rest of the crew, this is unusual, but oh well. Walks over to the conference table and grabs his usual well worn chair with a can of slurm in his right hand and waits for the inevitable. 

Bender: Oh your god Leela, he's a zombie, some one help me.....

Turanga Leela: Is that really you Fry?

Philip J. Fry: What the heck has gotten into you two, you look as if you've just seen a ghost.

Bender: You didn't come home last night, what's gotten into you. My pet meat bag is usually at home after work moaning about old one eye over here, but last night you were nowhere to be found.

Philip J. Fry: I thought you knew by now that Leela doesn't want anything to do with a lowly delivery boy such as myself. Its none of your damned business where I was, or who I was with last night. For once I was at peace with my self, can't you just accept that?

Bender: If you say so pal, you seem a bit wound up about it, just let it go.

Hermes Conrad: Speaking of going its time for you lazy green snakes to sit through another mission briefing, Get in 'ere professa', its time for you to send your crew into peril again.

Hubert J. Farnsworth: Eh whaaaaaa, where am I? (looks around, fumbles with his glasses for a moment), Oh my yes, my loyal crew, you have a delivery to the Neo-Obamites at their headquarters in New Hawaii in orbit around the Pacific nebula, in the darkest depths of the Zone of No Return.

Turanga Leela: You heard the old man, lets go, Fry go load the ship, Bender go and help him.

Philip J. Fry: Just what do you think we're delivering anyway, Bender? I've never even heard of this Obama. What kind of name is that? It sounds awfully like Osama Bin Laden, who was responsible for the attack on the World Trade Center back in '93. It was all like Boooooooom  (makes hand gestures like a truck exploding outward). My father ordered us into the bunker to wait out the damned commie attack. We weren't allowed to leave the bunker for two weeks, until he decided that it was over and ordered us to get on with out lives.

Bender: Speaking of whatever the hell you just said, why don't we open the crates, there might be some cool swag for me, Bender to steal.

Philip J. Fry: Wait (gets a vivid headache with pictures), can't you just use your x-ray glasses so that we won't have to make a run for it when they discover that their package was opened.

Bender: What's gotten into you Fry, you used to be fun and encourage me to open the package, and seemed to enjoy the chase. Its as if you're not the same person anymore.

Philip J. Fry: I'm going to my station Bender, I'm not going to stop you, but I don't need to get yelled at.

Bender: Alright, here we go ( reaches his manipulators, grabby and squeezy inches above the nearest crate.) Ah what's the point....  without my best friend, Fry ( looks sad and slumps away without opening any of the crates).

Two Hours later, half way to New Hawaii

Turanga Leela:  Get your cogs into gear Bender, why aren't you in the Galley cooking up our meal?

Bender: Up yours big boots, you hurt my best friend, why should I listen to you?

Turanga Leela: Don't make me override your patriotism circuits you overgrown garbage can, I don't need your emotional simulator, don't you think I know that I hurt him by now, but what about me, Bender?

Bender: (mimicking Leela in a whiny voice) What about me, Bender....

Turanga Leela: I mean it, get to it now! AX43.. don't make me go further.

Bender: Alright, but don't be surprised if your meal isn't very good, big boobs. ( grinds mechanically towards the galley)

Stupid lousy stinkin' skintube, making me do all the work around here, move this Bender, cook that Bender, don't cook Nibbler, Bender. Ai ya da sin eh...

Meanwhile in the turret....

Philip J. Fry: That was one wild night, but should I really have allowed that to happen? I deserve to be happy, and I was, very much so, yet some how I get a strange feeling that I was being used. Why would Haley ask about Amy, it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. That was some good snu-snu though.

Down in the engine room....

Amy Wong: Lets see, (grabs diagnostic computational device), Ai ya.. I told the professor to order the new converter assembly, you can only rebuild these things so many times before they are no longer salvageable. This bucket of bolts is long past the “unsalvageable” phase, having been cobbled together out of whatever junk the professor could find for very little money, damned cheapskate that he is.

(into the intercom) Hey Leela do you need to be going quite so fast?

Turanga Leela: I do, you never know when space banditos might attack, or any number of attackers, besides I just want to get this delivery over you know?

Amy Wong: Well I've got some bad news and some worse news (banging away on a controller for converter #3). First the bad news, converter number 3 is still unstable.

Turanga Leela: What else is news, when will the professor ever fix this ship properly, now what is the worse news?

Amy Wong: The frequency drive sequencer for the converters is struggling to keep them from overloading, if converter number 3 isn't taken off line soon it might cause a catastrophic engine failure rendering us a dead ship.

Turanga Leela: Alright, take it off line and keep an eye on the other converters, I hope we won't have to run on this delivery.

Amy Wong: Got it Leela. Powering down the unstable converter now. Power will now be reduced by approximately 17%, do be careful not to overload the remaining converters.

Turanga Leela: I know Amy, bad things would happen....

Amy Wong: Its worse than that, if the dark matter engines implode death is the least of our worries, the whole quadrant of space would be evaporated into a flaming hell storm of nothingness.

Turanga Leela: That would have been nice to know, say before it became an issue.

In orbit above New Hawaii...

Crystal clear water, and several islands looking much like the Hawaii from the stupid ages.

Philip J. Fry: Woah.... That looks just like that show, what was it called, oh that's right Hawaii Five-oh, man I haven't thought about that show since 1986. It went downhill after the third season anyhow, but the view was spectacular.

Turanga Leela: (into intercom) Fry? I know you're there, now one word of warning about the people we are delivering to, this person they worship did horrible, despicable things, and was primarily responsible for the total world economic collapse upon his reelection campaign in 2012. This means that many of these people are what could lightly called psycho. Do not what ever you do allow them to take you some place and indoctrinate you into their socialistic way or we may have to kill you, for your sake I hope it doesn't come to that, as shockingly you are our best turret operator.

Philip J. Fry: Thank you for your concern Leela....but I think I know what to do, I've been delivering things before you were born you know.

Turanga Leela: (placing her head into her hands to keep from exploding) Oh lord, not the I've been delivering things before I was born speech again, when will he learn to pay attention, oh but he's so cute when he's being all serious, oh why do I keep doing this to myself...

At the Neo-Obamite headquarters...

Chief Neo-Obamite: Where are those freaking capitalist pigs with our package.

Underling #1: I have heard from our security patrols that a craft matching the description of the interstellar vessel has landed at the BHO III Memorial spaceport.

Underling # 2: Look over here on the stereo opticon screen, there is this strange looking man with fiery orange hair, a red jacket, and blue jeans- weren't those outlawed here centuries ago for inciting a fashion riot, that must be our delayed delivery person now.

En route to the Headquarters

Philip J. Fry: (humming walking on sunshine) Hrm, where was that delivery to again (checks the e-clipboard that was attached to the hoverdolly), oh right the package goes to the Neo-Obamaite headquarters straight ahead .25 miles.

He rings the giant chime.... Welcome to the Neo-Obamite Headquarters states the sign

Underling #3783:  Ah you must be from Planet Express, finally our most revered package has arrived.

Philip J. Fry: Yes I am from Planet Express, now if you could just sign here and I'll be on my way.

Underling #3783: Not so quickly my friend, I could sign this, but wouldn't you like to know more about the glorious society you've wandered into?

Philip J. Fry: Thanks for the opportunity, but I really must be going, if I'm not back on the ship in half an hour my captain will leave me here.

Underling #3783: Ah I see, its a terrible shame that you will not learn the secrets to our society, signs the e-clipboard.

Philip J. Fry: Thank you for choosing Planet Express, we look forward to serving your delivery needs again in the future. Takes the hoverdolly after depositing the box and walks back towards the ship.

Meanwhile back with package action ensues

Chief Neo-Obamite: Finally, a piece of our revered leader, project resurgence is a go, prepare the cryonic cloning chamber.

Underling #1: But sir, the machines won't be ready for 3 weeks and this may not ever work as we expect it to.

Chief Neo-Obamite: Silence, there shall be no such back talk this will work, or so BHO help us I'm pinning the failure on your negativity.

Meanwhile back on the Planet Express ship

Turanga Leela: Where is that delivery boy, he was supposed to be back already – looks out the side view port and sees Phil running towards the ship. Ah there is our delivery boy now, I wonder if my threat to leave him here or vaporize him if he became one of them actually had an effect.

Philip J. Fry: Please lower the loading platform, its only been 25 minutes (pant, pant).

Turanga Leela: Roger, commence preparations for transport off this rock, opening main loading hatch. (snicker, I guess it worked after all, maybe if I push him just a little bit harder he just might become a bit more like Lars, and less like his old lazy self)

Bender: Lousy stinking socialists, they never have any good loot to steal anyhow, and this “Victory gin” is bland and tasteless

Amy Wong: (from the dark matter reactor room) Leela, do you anticipate a need to flee any enemies on the flight home?

Turanga Leela: Amy, you know as well as I do that this region of space is filled with space pirates, and several war torn planetary systems, so a firefight or race from the region may be called for, in otherwords I'd like to have all of the converters up and operational, is there something you need to tell me about that?

Amy Wong: Converter number 3 is still offline and this unbalanced load transference onto the remaining converters is increasing the likeliness of catastrophic dark matter engine failure. Converters 1,2, and 5 are nearing the top half of their ranges, if you wouldn't mind backing off on the speed somewhat, I'd like to see my Kiffy again. You do remember what we discussed about the consequences of catastrophic converter failure?

Turanga Leela: Yeah, sure something about a giant explosion, now if you don't mind I've got to fly this tub back to earth (pushes forward on the control yoke with the intention of increasing the velocity of the ship)

Amy Wong: (as the gravity pump fails to compensate for the sudden acceleration and is thrown against the bulkhead of the reactor control room) Ai ya, Da sa ni, damn you Leela, one day you'll kill your crew.