THIS is supposed to be a fanfic?

[on:]

This is my first fanfic on here, so I'm hoping to get some responses. Constructive criticism maybe? Give your honest opinion, but not to harsh please!

It's about my character Sparrow Locus. He's Fry and Leela's son. He works for his hero, Zapp Brannigan, but unfortunately for him Zapp takes absolutely no notice of him whatsoever. He's also a drug addict, an alcoholic, and he smokes.

Um... I haven't written very much yet, so... Yeah... Enjoy.   

-*-*-

Sparrow Locus looked about him and sighed. Would he ever get any recognition? Could nobody see his talent? Shunned by his family and ignored by his captain. He slowly walked over to his bed and sat down.
   His full name at birth was Sparrow Locus Fry, but he had abandoned the last name when he ran away from home. His parents had nothing to offer him but rules. He hadn’t been allowed on missions, he hadn’t been allowed to throw wild parties, and, worst of all, he hadn’t been allowed to talk about his hero, Zapp Brannigan. There had been nothing to do except watch television. TV persuaded him to think that smoking was cool and that Zapp Brannigan was awesome. His parents, of course, told him that his hero was obnoxious and arrogant, but he didn’t listen. It’d sure shown them when he’d run away to join Zapp’s crew! But sometimes he regretted his choice. With no rules to restrain him any more, he had taken to drinking, smoking and even taking drugs.
   Sparrow was the most – or should I say only – eager member of the crew, and yet Zapp paid him absolutely no attention whatsoever. This was what had led him to drinking and drugs. He was a mess now and he knew it. Not only was he a danger to himself, but also to those around him (or at least that was what his doctor had told him). At least, he thought to himself, I’m not as bad as Lizard. Lizard was Sparrow’s friend, and also was a pyromaniac. He was never seen a lighter in his hand, and he also worked for Zapp Brannigan, but not as a matter of choice.
     He had spiked up his hair and dyed it so it was red at the bottom, yellow at the top and orange in-between. Lizard wasn’t his real name, but everyone called him that due to the fact that he had a tail, purple scaly skin, and could stick to walls and ceilings. And before you ask, NO he wasn’t human (JOKE!). He was from a planet in the Galaxy of Terror, but he didn’t know which one because his memory was appalling. He had no mouth so he couldn’t speak but he communicated telepathically, and he only had two fingers on each hand.

-*-*-

It’s just basically information on the characters at the moment, but the story will progress I assure you! And I'll post a pic of Lizard soon, too.

[Reply #1 on:]

Not bad.I have a weak spot for new characters.That's why I am planning a fic with Xanfor and Katrina in it.But I need to finish the one I started and another one I'm planning.

[Reply #2 on:]

ya  its good for a new person at PEEL

[Reply #3 on:]

Thanks! More coming soon!

[Reply #4 on:]

Okay, here's the first illustration. It's Lizard.


I don't like how it came out, so I'll do another one soon.

[Reply #5 on:]

what the hell is that

[Reply #6 on:]

It's his fan fic character.

[Reply #7 on:]

HER actually. No offence taken though.

[Reply #8 on:]

The story is very...interesting. As much as I hate to think that a child of Leela and Fry's would go to Zapp, I enjoyed reading the first part...well done. Lizard look cool as well

[Reply #9 on:]

Thanks. 

[Reply #10 on:]

loooks kinda weird but ok....

[Reply #11 on:]

Thanks.

[Reply #12 on:]

I'm always gonna put the parts of the story in between these starry-dashy things like in the first bit, so it's possible to distinguish the story from my comments and stuff!   

-*-*-

Sparrow lay in bed thinking about how his life could have been better, until drifting into a fitful sleep. This was often how he went to bed, but the rest of the time he was a vibrant personality and forgot all about his problems.
     The next morning he got out of bed, got dressed, shook Lizard awake and went to the dining hall. He was feeling good and took his time, strolling leisurely in an unhurried manner. Lizard quickly caught up with him and they arrived at the dining hall together.
     “Well, if it isn’t the geek and the freak,” sneered a voice as they entered. It was George Stalwart, an old enemy of Sparrow’s who never wore his uniform as long as the captain wasn’t around – which he hardly ever was.

-*-*-

Sorry this one’s so short.

“It took an hour to write; I thought it’d take an hour to read!”

[Reply #13 on:]

Here’s the next installation of the story!

-*-*-

“What a surprise you decided to show your ugly faces after last night.” Last night? thought Sparrow in confusion. He didn’t remember anything.
     I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT LATER, Lizard was projecting thoughts into his mind, YOU CAN’T REMEMBER BECAUSE YOU WERE DRUNK. Sparrow shot an uncertain look at Lizard, but decided he’d be better off not knowing what had happened.
     “What’s wrong, Locus? You’ve turned almost as mute as your friend.” said Stalwart. He thought that Lizard was mute, because he’d never spoken to him. “Is it with shame? I don’t blame you,” continued Stalwart. Lizard walked over to the fridge, got breakfast for both he and Sparrow and came back, keeping both eyes on Stalwart the whole time.
     “Goodbye.” said Sparrow, and the two of them turned around in order to go back to their quarters, but Stalwart and his four mates quickly got in front of them before they could move.
     “Going somewhere?” he taunted. Sparrow heard a distinct hissing sound coming from Lizard, which was surprising, as he had never heard him make a noise before. Stalwart looked slightly daunted by this, but it only showed for a second before he recovered his cool.

-*-*-

Hope you enjoyed it! Next up: an illustration!

[Reply #14 on:]

Really good pic and the story has started off great!

[Reply #15 on:]

Thanks!

[Reply #16 on:]

Awesome!Personally I think it's better than my(everything's better than my) !

[Reply #17 on:]

No, I'm sure yours are great! But thanks!!!

[Reply #18 on:]

Well,I do think the third chapter in my was OK,but the rest of the fic wasn't too good.Not the storyline,it's fine,but I really dont like the writing...M'eh,it's probably coz English isn't my first language...

[Reply #19 on:]

Oh.

[Reply #20 on:]

Time for part… Er… Whatever part we’re at now!

-*-*-

“You- you can’t keep us here!” said Sparrow nervously, constantly aware of Lizard incessantly flicking his lighter on and off beside him.
   “Oh can’t I?” jeered Stalwart.
   NO, GEORGE. YOU CAN’T, said a voice only Stalwart could hear. The bully jumped, looking about.
   “Who said that?” he demanded.
   “Said what?” asked Sally Thorne, one of Stalwart’s gang.
   “You didn’t hear it?” Stalwart asked. He looked around at the others. “Did any of you-?” they all shook their heads. “But…” Stalwart was confused. How could they not have heard it?- Unless… Was he going crazy? Did he just imagine the voice?
   YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE the voice spoke again. Stalwart tensed. But didn’t say anything this time. NOBODY ELSE CAN HEAR ME. JUST YOU. IT IS THIS WAY BECAUSE… I AM YOUR CONSCIENCE. The Voice paused. Wait a minute, thought Stalwart, perplexed, I don’t have a conscience.
   YES YOU DO, said the Voice inside his head, I JUST HAVEN’T BEEN FUNCTIONING BEFORE. I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU, GEORGE, AND NOW I CAN FINALLY MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT YOU’VE DONE. REMEMBER THAT PET SPIDER YOUR LITTLE SISTER HAD WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG? MURDERER.
   Stalwart flinched. Suddenly he became aware of everyone in the room staring at him. He straightened up, brushing himself down. He looked up, slowly, reluctantly, into the eyes of his comrades, who were looking at his incredulously. Stalwart shook himself, then walked forward, pushing Sparrow and Lizard out of the way. The rest of his gang looked at each other, shrugged, and hurried after him.
   Sparrow stared after them in disbelief. He turned to Lizard.
   “Did you-?” he asked.
   I’M NOT SAYING ANYTHING, he told Sparrow.
   “Come on then,” said Sparrow, gesturing in the direction Stalwart and his gang had gone, and they both followed the corridor back to their cabin.

-*-*-

[Reply #21 on:]

Now this is getting interesting!Hmm...Is the another creature of Lizard's speasies on the ship?Or maybe Lizard has another sub-personality/personalities that work independently from the surface one?...Or...Ehh,I ran out.

[Reply #22 on:]

Actually I was just going to say it was Lizard. But you've given me some much better ideas! Thanks!

[Reply #23 on:]

No biggie .I was just trying to be random anyway...

[Reply #24 on:]

 

[Reply #25 on:]

Yay! More story-ness!

-*-*-

“So what did you do?” asked Sparrow, sitting down to breakfast back at their cabin.
   ER, WELL… I DIDN’T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING, Lizard admitted.
   “What?!” Sparrow exclaimed, “But ― but ― Stalwart was acting so strangely – you must have done something!”
   NOPE. I DID DETECT SOME VERY STRANGE MENTAL ACTIVITY IN HIS MIND, THOUGH said Lizard.
   “Strange? I’m surprised there was actually any mental activity at all! An idiot like him…” muttered Sparrow.
   YOU’RE RIGHT, SPARROW, Lizard agreed distractedly. He wasn’t really paying attention. Sparrow finally stopped talking and got Lizard to light his crack pipe. Lizard had an idea. He was sure something unusual had happened at the dining hall – even more unusual than it had seemed. For he hadn’t only detected strange mental activity – he had felt another presence in stalwart’s mind. His idea was that perhaps he wasn’t the only one of his species on the ship. Perhaps―
   His train of thought was suddenly interrupted by the smoke alarm going off loudly.
   “My crack must have se it off.” Sparrow complained.
   CAN’T YOU TURN THAT THING OFF? asked Lizard, irritated. He didn’t like loud noises or sudden movements.
   “You’re the expert!” said Sparrow.
   FINE THEN, I’LL DO IT, grumbled Lizard. He climbed up the wall onto the ceiling and flicked on his lighter. THIS OUGHT TO DO IT, he said, THIS IS SUCH A CRAPPY SYSTEM THAT IF I BREAK THE ONE THAT STARTED ITT THEY SHOULD ALL STOP. He put the flame up to the smoke alarm until it caught fire.
   “That’ll just make it worse!” cried Sparrow.
   TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT I’MM DOING, Lizard assured him, I’VE HAD TO TURN OFF A MILLION OF THESE THINGS BEFORE. The smoke alarm eventually turned off. SEE? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
   “But none of the others have stopped…” said Sparrow.
   WHAT? Lizard opened the door and went out the room to listen, still on the ceiling. THEN SOMEBODY MUST HAVE SET THEM OFF, murmured Lizard, confused.
   “But who?” asked Sparrow, “It’s only ever you and me who set them off!”
   THAT’S WHAT I’M GOING TO FIND OUT, said Lizard with what would have been a grimace, and set off down the corridor.

-*-*-

[Reply #26 on:]

Awesome update!

[Reply #27 on:]

Thanks WU32! Mind if I call you that?

[Reply #28 on:]

No,f'corse!Practically everyone calles me that!

[Reply #29 on:]

Good then.

[Reply #30 on:]

And here's a pic of Lizard 'fixing' the fire alarm. I've also included a version of it upside-down so that you can get the whole on-the-ceiling effect.



I, er... Wasn't too sure about how to draw the fire alarm!



I don't think I drew his legs or his feet very well.


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[Reply #31 on:]

Yeah,the legs,feet arms and tale turned out good.His face scared me a bit 

[Reply #32 on:]

XD

[Reply #33 on:]

what does 'XD' even meen?

[Reply #34 on:]

It's basically the same as 'lol'.

[Reply #35 on:]

OK,what does 'lol' meen?  

[Reply #36 on:]

are you joking? if not lol means laugh out loud = funny

[Reply #37 on:]

So that's why I hear it all over the Internet!Wow,PazuzuJr,you solved the biggest mystery in my life!

[Reply #38 on:]

XD is an emoticon version of lol. I personally prefer XD, but most people use lol.

[Reply #39 on:]

 

Originally posted by Writer unit32:
So that's why I hear it all over the Internet!Wow,PazuzuJr,you solved the biggest mystery in my life!

wow - that sounds soooo not sarcatic!

ps - XD = quite odd - *lol*