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Author Topic: Well, It's my first Fanfic. Feel free to help with it.  (Read 1045 times)
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Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« on: 08-30-2006 22:51 »
« Last Edit on: 09-06-2006 00:00 »

Well, Welcome to my first thread. It is a pleasure being part of the PEEL community, and I thank you all for accepting me into the ranks.

Here is my first FanFic, "The Return of Shawn" Please, feel free to give comments on it and help me shape it into something better. (Although, after reading Layla50's FanFics, i wanted to trash this)

Enjoy!

(THIS FANFIC HAS BEEN DELETED BY ME BECAUSE IT WASN'T GOOD)
Tastes Like Fry

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #1 on: 08-30-2006 23:36 »

Nuuu they can't take Fry away!  cry

Great so far, not bad for a first time fic.
I need to post my first fic... just after my bachelor chow...  wink
Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #2 on: 08-31-2006 07:24 »
« Last Edit on: 08-31-2006 07:24 »

well, feel free to critique it. i think the next part will be in prose form, because that is a little easier.

KitKatBar-Fry

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #3 on: 08-31-2006 08:20 »
« Last Edit on: 08-31-2006 08:20 »

hooray! Shippy! Nice start, llama. I suppport you all the way, pal. I want to see it progress soon. Especially the shippy parts! Muahahahaha!
Benders_Fan

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #4 on: 08-31-2006 08:21 »

I only read a few lines of it, can't finish it now, cause I gotta go to school. So I'll finish it after school. But what I did read was good.  wink
KitKatBar-Fry

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #5 on: 08-31-2006 10:31 »
« Last Edit on: 08-31-2006 10:31 »

   
Quote
Originally posted by Futurama Llama:
Farnsworth: I demand the floor!
Leela: Professor, you do have the floorÖ
Farnsworth: I have the wha-?
*Awkward silence*
LOL!    big grin
 

Shawn: Of course you donít. Only people reading this FanFic do.
Bender: What are you talking about? We arenít in a FanFicÖ


double LOL.

Farnsworth: Sorry, Fry. The time machine thing was already used in a different FanFic.
Bender: What in the heck is up with you guys and ďFanFicsĒ?? Iím getting sick of you allÖ!

You goose, you. That's the first time I've ever read a fanfic that acknowledges it's a fanfic.The only probblem I had with this fic is that Hermes seems kinda out of charcter. I'm not sure why, he just does. But other than that, great stuff! Update soon. I don't want this to become one of those 'wait three weeks' fanfics. I can't wait that long! smile


Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #6 on: 08-31-2006 18:49 »
« Last Edit on: 08-31-2006 18:49 »

@TastesLikeFry- But there is a twist! It could be heart-wrenching!

@Benders_Fan- Looking forward to your comments!

@KitKatBar-Fry- I was worried about Hermes seeming a little OOC. Thanks a billion for pointing that out, though. I had kinda forgotten it. Thanks for your support. Please send your cash to Mom Corp.

Well, I'm kinda busy, so the next update will come Sunday(ish). You will get part 2 then. Sorry Kit Kat, but you'll have to wait. I have the whole storyline planned...so don't worry. Here is a spoiler though:

Benders_Fan

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #7 on: 08-31-2006 19:20 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Futurama Llama:
Well, I'm kinda busy, so the next update will come Sunday(ish).

Omg, I can't wait till Sunday. This is great. This could be an episode.  wink No seriously, It'd make a great episode. I look forward to more.  big grin
KitKatBar-Fry

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #8 on: 08-31-2006 20:05 »

@Llama: Awww...C'mon, man! I've been your friend ever since you were a little baby noob. Maybe a little spoiler for me? No? That's OK. Ooh, ooh!
*waves hand wildly*
Maybe I could be your Beta, or whatever its called, that edits your work! I'd love to do that for you! We go way back man, so it's only fair! Plus, I'll be getting it ahead of time. Muahahahaha.  evil laugh
Tastes Like Fry

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #9 on: 08-31-2006 21:11 »

I will be away on Sunday  frown
But I shall be back to read it on Monday!
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #10 on: 08-31-2006 22:20 »

Nice job  smile  Try and work on your dialogue; everyone's lines are a bit simplistic.  But hey, for a first time fic this aint bad.
KitKatBar-Fry

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #11 on: 08-31-2006 23:06 »

Right-O. It's quite good. But maybe Soylent O is right-maybe more complex dialogue, and complex, emotional may help help it. Which is why you need a Beta. Like meeeeeee....?
Dr. Zizzle

Crustacean
*
« Reply #12 on: 08-31-2006 23:09 »
« Last Edit on: 08-31-2006 23:09 »

Hey,

Great job, I really like it, I just have a few suggestions. My only major complaint is breaking the forth wall with the fanfic comment. I know other people are enjoying it so don't take it out just cause I say so, but those always just really annoy me for some reason, especially when they aren't very subtle, but very blatant. Besides that, it looks great. I just have one pitch for the story, it is totally up to you if you use it or not.

My pitch is change this:

 
Quote
Fry: You canít do this! I thought we had something special!!
Shawn: Iím sorry, Fry, but I think that Leela and I are dating now, so you need to butt out!
Bender: Leela, Iíll get Fry off your back for 20 bucks.

to this:

 
Quote
Fry: You canít do this! I thought we had something special!!
Leela: Iím sorry, Fry, but three tacos dinners, a beer chugging contest, and a weekly game of Parcheesi just isn't special to me.
Shawn: Wait, Parcheesi's still fair game though, right?
Leela: Fry, I like you, I really do, but Shawn is the man for me.
Fry: But . . . .
Bender: Leela, Iíll get Fry off your back for 20 bucks.

Besides those tiny problems, I love it. I have to say this site offers much better fan fic than other sites. I call a salute to the fanficers of peelified. Hooray!
KitKatBar-Fry

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #13 on: 08-31-2006 23:59 »

I like your thinking Zizzle.
@llama: see how many people are supporting you? You should be proud of yourself.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #14 on: 09-01-2006 04:06 »
« Last Edit on: 09-01-2006 04:06 »

Does this FanFic seem a bit drafty?  Almost like it's missing a wall...

I'm ging to go off what everybody else said and say my main criticism is that your writing lacks the sophistication of the heavy hitters on this board.  It's almost like you're giving us the abridged version of the story.  You've also used a number of jokes already in canon.  Not necessarily a no-no, but that you've used so many in such a small space concerns me.  The same thing goes for self aware and fourth wall jokes.  Once, maybe twice, in a fic should you throw one in unless the entire theme involves those kinds of jokes.

On that note, why did Hermes go into the alley?  Was it just to pee?  All I kept thinking to myself (after your previous self-aware jokes) was how appropriate it would have been for this dialog to exist:
 
Quote
Hermes: I donít know about any of you, but Iíd like to go down into a mysterious and dangerous dark alley to correlate some papers.
Fry: Why do you have to do that in the alley?
Hermes: Dat's where we have to keep da Plot Device...

In the end it's a pretty good idea for a story.  I've never been good at coming up with shipfics.  Shipfics in general seem to have a number of common failings, but, provided that you stay true to canon and don't sap it up too much, you have the makings of a great fic.
Xanfor

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #15 on: 09-01-2006 08:34 »

Stop showing off, Dr.88!  wink

Actually, he did have some good points. Perhaps you should read this and then use it as a model of what, uh... Not to do. Anyway...

You've got a good start here. Perhaps with just a bit of editing, you'll have an up-to-par script in no time!  wink

(Incidentally, Dr.Thunder, have you read any of my fics yet? I like the sound of your reviews. And you can bump the thread if you want, I'm going to be posting an update soon anyway.)

KitKatBar-Fry

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #16 on: 09-01-2006 09:01 »
« Last Edit on: 09-01-2006 09:01 »

@Llama: Listen to the big wigs, llama. We noobs can learn a lot from listening. What they're saying, and what I agree, is that you should make your writing more deep, in-tune.

Write paragraphs that comvey deep feelings and emotions, and thoughts. Look at Layla50's Not-So-Newbie Fanfic and Venus Crawls Out From Under Her Rock. Those are excellant examples of deep writing. I'm not saying your writing is bad,  in fact, I quite like it, just, space the dialog out. Focus on, instead of dialog every line or so, having sentances that say what the charcters are feeling, or something they are doing that applies to the story.

All in all, I already said it was a great start. Try following the tips of those who know-and then there's me too   tongue- and I'm sure this could really become awesome. Hats off to you!

Oh, and since these lovely tips should be of use to you, send me the next peice of your story. I can help you out. I WANT to help you out.

That's what friends are for.   smile And then again, I also really want to see this story shape before anyone else.   tongue
Xanfor

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #17 on: 09-01-2006 09:16 »

Ok, for one thing, I'm PEEL's resident nOOb. People still tell me what I do wrong. And of course I keep it up to make the other newbies more comfortable. Also, I help! This is Layla's first fanfic thread, and this is her second. The only person ever to have two! (I had three at one point, but that was a nOOBy mistake.) Also, there is Venus's fanfic thread, although I should warn you that the surgeon general as rated it hazardous to people who faint at the sight of tears. (Happy or sad regardless)

PS: I've been looking over these old fic threads, and their opening posts, and now I feel conceited for the way I opened mine...

KitKatBar-Fry

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #18 on: 09-01-2006 09:48 »

Thank you Xanfor, for opening those links. I would have myself, but I didn't want to spend a long time figuring out how to do that. Anyways, Llama, read them. They are very good.
Dr. Zizzle

Crustacean
*
« Reply #19 on: 09-01-2006 15:53 »

Hey,

Just one more thing I noticed. I'm sure you didn't do this intentionally, since I know i have done it before, but you might want to change the Hermes "doing business" line, when Fry and him are in the alley. It's a bit too similar to line in Spanish Fry, also said by Hermes. Check it out if you don't remember, I believe it is at the beginning of act 2. Just thought I should let you know, besides that, and the previous stuff I suggested, this looks really great, and I can't wait for the second part.
Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #20 on: 09-01-2006 20:04 »
« Last Edit on: 09-02-2006 00:00 »

Woah, thanks for all of the comments, guys. I was worried about my fic seeming a little drafty. After all, you guys are the betas (heck, Kitkat is my main beta) for the revised Part 1. Part 1 IS a draft right now. It still needs some fine-tuning.

and everyone, there is a spoiler towards the top.
and boy, this is coming out shippy!

please be patient, working out the kinks, still on schedule for Sunday.

-Futurama Llama, everything Futurama and everything Llama!

Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #21 on: 09-02-2006 00:24 »

AHHHH! The fourth wall! It's gone! It burns!
Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #22 on: 09-02-2006 00:34 »
« Last Edit on: 09-02-2006 00:34 »

Well, Here's a treat:

NOTE: This is a little more serious than Part 1. Less jokes, but more detail.

Part 2-
2 days before "official" release.


    Fry awoke with a start. He felt the lump on his head but quicky retracted his hand from it in pain. Those Peace Officers sure knew how to hit. He sat for a while in the dank room that was his cell, recalling the events of the past few hours. Or was it days? Fry had no idea how long he had been out. Suddenly, he remembered. Leela's glare. The ambulances. Shawn. Hermes. Hermes! Fry jumped up at the thought of his rastafarian friend. Was he alright? After all, he did take a knife slash that was meant for Fry. He sat down of the cold concrete floor as more recollections rushed to him. Url and Smitty hopping out of their car. Lights flashing. Leela crying. Url and Smitty looming closer...closer...then a flash of light blue and then...nothing. Fry rubbed his temples trying to rid himself from the barrage of pain assaulting his head. Everything suddenly rushed up to him, and he realized all of the horrors that were happening. Fry reeled from the shock and passed out.


    Leela walked back and forth in front of Hermes' and Shawn's room. Shawn was recovering, but the wound was infected. She was not at all patient, wound up by the events that had unfolded. The cyclops finally gave up pacing and plopped down onto a hospital bench. She was anxious for Hermes to awaken...he was the one who held the answers Leela wanted. And her Shawn... "Curse that Fry!" she thought angrily. "Giving me that bull about Shawn tricking me and framing him. That's low." But then, a tiny part of her mind said: "You know he's right, Leela. Shawn hasn't improved at all since you broke up with him." Leela pushed this little nagging thought out of her mind. But she resolved to visit Fry in the morning. For now, she would wait.


    A loud beeping noise stirred Fry from his delerium. He looked towards the cell door- or, in all actualality, forcefield - and saw the PE crew standing there. And Shawn. Fry's blood boiled. Shawn! But then, through all odds, Fry chuckled slightly. He said to himself quietly: "Great. I'm following in the Proffesor's footsteps, with that 'Wernstrom!' thing of his. Or rather, he's following in my footsteps-?" Fry left it at that, amazed that he could articulate such a thought...without parasites. Maybe that jar on the head made Fry a little smarter... Hermes broke Fry's reverie. "Coot. Coot. Coot. Coot. Coot." The bureauocrat droned on. "Why is he doing that?" Fry asked in a cracked, raspy voice. It was obvious he hadn't talked in a while. "The doctor told us he's repeating the last word he said before he got his darn arm lobbed of and hit his head on the sidewalk," Bender explained, lighting a Zuban as he did so, "So now I have to hit him occasionally to stop him from going on forever. It'll pass eventually, though. It'd better. I want his credit card numbers." Bender socked Hermes in his flabby gut and he keeled over. Bender was right; It did shut him up. Amy repremanded Bender instantly. "Bender! We are just gonna have to bring him back to the hospital if you keep doing that!" Bender retorted, flinging an empty LoBrau bottle at her, "Bite my shiny metal ass!" Farnsworth chckled. "And you're the one who said 'change your catch phrase'." Smitty came up behind them. "Visitin' hours are over, folks. Move along." Fry heard Zoidberg cry as they left: "But we didn't even talk to Fry!" Fry sighed, rolled over, and fell asleep.


    Morris cursed for the thirtieth time. "I can't get this **** VidPhone working. I have to teel Leela what really happened in that alley."
Munda trotted in. "Morris, do ya really got to try and fix our old VidPhone? Every time you try and fix something, it always explo-" Munda didn't finish her sentence before the VidPhone exploded. Morris was flung across the room and slammed into the far wall. He slid down slowly, leaving a black streak of ash on the wall. Munda spit out the ashes in her mouth and walked over to the VidPhone. Miraculously, it was working. "Morris, honey, ya did it!" Munda cried happily. "Tell..Leela...the truth...ooohhhnn..."
Morris groaned. Munda turned and called Leela on the VidPhone. She didn't have to wait long. An image appeared on the screen. Leela was sitting alone at the PE conference table, looking at the VidScreen. "Hi, cutie. I'm gonna cut right to the chase; your father saw whan happened in the alley last week. What really happened." Munda said. Leela looked mystifyed. Then suddenly realization dawned on her. Munda had to turn up the volume to hear what Leela was saying. "So Fry wasn't lying...Shawn framed him!" Munda nodded. "So now ya know that your friend Fry is innoce-" She didn't finish her sentence. She had no need to. Leela was gone, and the only evidence that she had been there was a chair spinning.

    Leela ran to the police station as fast as she could. She shot past the security guards and went to the lower levels. She ran past cells of real criminals. Real murderers. And she had put Fry in this mess. It was time to get him out. She finnaly reached Fry's cell. He was curled up in the corner, pale and afraid. Her heart dropped. This was all her fault. This whole situation was. She walked up to the forcefield-deactivation keypad. After several unsucsessful number sequences, Leela just punched the damn thing. "Good riddance." she muttered. The forcefield flickered, and it went down. "Hey, what do you think you are doin', baby?" Url said as he materialized from the shadows. Leela stated simply: "This." She jumped up and kicked Url. Hard. He slid backwards into the wall and it crumbled around the impact zone. Leela dusted her hands off, and went to Fry. She brought him aroud by gently dumping a bucket of water over his head. "Leela?" He said weakly. Leela helped him up. Just to feel his warmth again was exhilirating. "Wait. What am I saying?" Leela reprimaned herself quickly. She had no such feelings for Fry, did she?


    Fry awoke suddenly as Leela dumped a bucket of water on his head. Gently, he noticed. Not harshly. "She's not mad anymore." He deduced. He was amazed at his new thinking power. Everything just clicked. As Leela helped him up, he relaxed against her shoulder. It was tense for a moment, but then she relaxed, too. "So you figured it out? Did Shawn spill the beans?" Fry asked weakly. Leela looked at him, smiling. "No. You had one witness to the situation." Fry smiled. "Who was it? Nibbler?" Leela laughed lightly. "No, it was my dad." Fry was about to respond when suddenly a pain shot through his body. He collapsed, clutching his midsection. He cried out. "Leela! My kidneys! They hurt! I think I need to see a doctor..." He faded, and then passed out. "Geez, Fry. You are just running into problem after problem today, aren't you!" Leela realized very quickly that he was not joking. She had to get him to the hospital.


    Leela carried Fry piggy-back all the way to Taco-Belluve Hospital. It wasn't very far, but Leela was tired from battling her way through the station to get out. She burst in panting. She staggered to the nearest nurse. "Ma'am! This man needs mediacl attention! NOW!!" The nurse quickly got a hover-stretcher and Leela placed Fry on it. She stayed by his side until they could let her go no further. She sullenly walked back to the waiting room. "They'd better save my Fry." She murmured.


    Shawn walked slowly towards Taco-Belluve Hospital. He knew what had transpired; Leela had found out that he was framing Fry. She had gone to the Police Station and found Fry. But he had learned from a dazed Smitty that Fry needed medical attention. So Shawn walked up the steps to the hospital, bearing a grim face.


     It was an hour after she had brought Fry to the hospital. Leela sat staring at the clock, willing it to move faster. She was about to charge into Fry's room when a doctor walked into the waiting room. He looked at Leela. "Ms. Leela, we have Mr. Fry's prognosis." Leela swallowed back a lump in her throat. "Go on then, tell me." She said, trying her best not to cry. Fry was her best friend. And even though he was an idiot, he didn't deserve this. The doctor pasued a moment, staring levelly at Leela, before he looked down at his clipboard. "Both of Fry's kidneys have failed. A human can live with one, but with none..." The doctor swallowed. "We estimate that Mr. Fry has about 5 hours to live." Leela couldn't handle it. She broke down sobbing. "I'd...like...to...see him..." She managed to say between sobs. "Of course. Come with me." The doctor led Leela down the hall.


    Shawn had heard it all. Fry's got 5 hours to live. He followed a little ways behind the sobbing Leela and the doctor. He watched as the doctor led Leela into Fry's room. He hid behind medical supplies until the doctor left the room and was out of sight. That's when Shawn crept up to the window. "Fry, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I should have believed you," he heard the cyclops cry, "You were my best friend!" Leela broke down into sobs at Fry's side. Shawn stood at the door to Fry's room, looking through the window. He had to right his wrongs. Somehow. He turned, determined, and strode down the hall.

 
   Leela didn't know how long she had sat by Fry's side, sobbing. It seemed like hours to her. Years. "All the more time," she thought, "to spend with Fry." She sat bolt upright when a nurse came in, a big grin on her face. "Ms. Leela, we have someone who donated both of their kidneys to save Mr. Fry. Would you like us to put him into surgery?" Leela smiled through her tears. "Anything you can do to save my friend." Fry was hovered out of his room quickly by a team of nurses. Leela stepped out of his room and when to the nearest nurse she could find. "Can you show me the room of the person who donated their organs to Mr. Fry?" The nurse nodded solemnly and said: "Down the hall and to the left. But the patient is dying. He gave both his kidneys. He cannot survive." Leela nodded and headed towards the room.


    Leela stepped into the room. The nurse in the room pulled aside the curtian to reveal none other than...Shawn. "Shawn?" Leela whispered. "You gave your life up so Fry could live?" Shawn nodded weakly. "I...I saw how much you care for him. I saw how much he cares for you. Leela, I know that'd you'd never be truly happy dating me, but I know in my heart you will love Fry. I think you already do." Leela nodded, not knowing what to say. Shawn was doing this for her. Shawn was the hero. She sat with him until his hand went limp in her hand. "Goodbye, Shawn. I will never forget you." She kissed his forehead and left the room.

    Fry sat in his hospital room, looking about happily. His insides were sore, but other than that, he was no worse for the wear. Leela walked into his room. When she saw he was awake, she jumped onto his bed and held him for a long time, sobbing. Fry held her close as well, stroking her hair and trying to comfort her. Finally, Leela was calm enough to explain. "Fry, Shawn gave his life so that you would survive."
Fry looked dumbfounded. "Shawn? Why would he want to save me?" Leela looked at him as she spoke. "He wanted me to be happy. And the only thing that he thought would make me the happiest was...you." Fry looked at her, a new light shining in his eyes. "Was he right?" Leela looked at him in all seriousness. "He was, Fry. I love you." Fry smiled and gave Leela a hug. "I love you too, Leela."


    Two years later...

     The doctor smiled at the young couple. "It's a boy! What would you like to name him? The purple-haired cyclops looked at her husband. Her husband, an orange-haired man, looked at the doctor and then to the baby. "I would like to name him 'Shawn'." He said, looking meaningfully at his wife. The wife nodded and began crying tears of joy. "Oh Fry," she said, "You couldn't have picked a better name."


The End.

Yay! Feel free to give comments, y'all!
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #23 on: 09-02-2006 01:28 »

wait, it's over already?  I think this could have been a very good fan fic, but everything happened so fast that it was more like an outline that an actual story.  Each scene needed to be about 10 times as long.  Don't get me wrong, the mechanics of your writing style is fine; you just need to work on putting enough material in your story that the reader doesn't feel like he's reading a summary.  Also, adding more would clear some things up that really need to be addressed, like:

1) Why did Morris happen to be in the vicinity of the alley?  That's a bit of a convenient circumstance to leave with no explanation

2) Why are Fry's kidneys failing all of the sudden?

3) A week managed to pass in just a few paragraphs.  That's... odd

4)  Why did Shawn suddenly become nice?  I mean, people change, but in the span of 5 minutes?

And, as if I haven't already thown out enough useless advice, you might also think about sending your fics to a beta before you post them.  A beta might help you come up with some ways to expand your story and help fix some of the grammar/spelling mistakes that are floating around.

But anyway, it's a nice start.  Don't be afraid to post more  smile
Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #24 on: 09-02-2006 08:52 »

1) Thanks, soylentO. Morris was a witness because Hermes had some kinda amnesia, and I guess i didn't tie that in well.

2) Think about how unhealthy the guy is. Something is bond to fail sooner or later. And also, its a plot device.

3) No, no, its a week BETWEEN Part 1 and 2. Fry was drifting in and out of conciousness for a week. (a little overexaggerated, i know)

4) I was worried that Shawn's change was a little too abrupt. Part of it was, however, that when he saw how devastated Leela was, and how close Fry was to death, he decided to donate his kidneys to save a life and make Leela be happy again. The thought of him causing eternal sorrow in Leela if she lost Fry and Fry dying changed him. His intentions were never to murder, even though the kidney failures weren't his fault. So he donated.

Okay. Thanks a lot. Its meant to be short, but i may do a follow-up fanfic soon. Thanks a ton for the constructive critisism!

Keep in mind that this is my first fanfic. It won't be perfect, and don't expect much from it. I still need to learn the finer bells and whistles to writing it.

thanks for all the support,
Caleb Colter
(whoops, i mean smile
Futurama Llama
Dr. Zizzle

Crustacean
*
« Reply #25 on: 09-02-2006 10:07 »

Hey,

I agree with SoylentO, way too fast, and I would have enjoyed the second part more if it was two seperate equal parts. Also, I really wish you had stuck with the script format for the second part instead of changing half way through. I like both formats, but I feel it would work better if they were the same.

Besides that, this is great for a first fan fic, I remember my first(I was twelve, and it was a trainwreck), and this is tons better than my first. I think as long as you take everyone's constructive criticism to heart, you could end up writing great fanscripts.
jle1993

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #26 on: 09-02-2006 11:19 »

I also agree that it went to fast, but for a first fanfic it was good.

The mere fact that it included shippy parts made the fic good, but then I would think that I'm a shippy freak.

I'm glad you used some of the suggestions because that shows you care about your readers *swoons*

I enjoyed the whole thing, and I loved the ending, what with Fry and Leela in love and having a child, soooooooo cute. *re-swoons*

I look forward to reading more as I'm sure your work will keep improving.

Lastly remember, a good fic is a shippy fic, a great fic supports Fry and Leela's ship.

  smile  wink  tongue   laff   big grin   flirt   love   

This message was brought to you by the mistress, bow down and be grateful
Dr. Zizzle

Crustacean
*
« Reply #27 on: 09-02-2006 11:56 »

A bitt Off Topic, but is shipper a term mainly for Futurama, or is it used for other shows? I know it is an abbreviation for Relationshippers or whatever, but is it used elsewhere? I just figured it might be solely a Futurama thing given Planet Express ships packages, but I don't want to make an idiot of myself, and say it's a Futurama thing when it isn't, so anyone want to fill me in?
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #28 on: 09-02-2006 13:21 »

I'm pretty sure its just a futurama thing.  Actually, I've never heard the word used outside this message board... 
Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #29 on: 09-02-2006 13:58 »

Harr, thanks for all of the comments and all of the swooning.  If you all desire, i could write one about Shawn (fry and leela's shawn). I will only write it if y'all like this one. And i'm sorry for it being too fast. I'll beef it out. I was kinda in a rush when i wrote part 2.

thanks.
jle1993

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #30 on: 09-02-2006 17:21 »

Yes yes yes, write more, please please please, I desire more storys from you. More shippy, more Fry and Leela, more of their child. PLEASE, I beg, I need to read more, did I mention that I think you are a nice person and you seem the care about your readers *swoons* I am now your NO.1 fan, and I'll fight anyone who challages.

By the way, Shippy Ships and terms similer are not just Futurama, if you don't believe me look at the HPANA site, plenty of ships to do with the Harry Potter books there, although apart from that I wouldn't know.
Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #31 on: 09-02-2006 21:22 »

Woah, woah, jle1993. Cold chill. Thanks for the kindness, however.

I'm gonna post "Shawn: Fry's Prodigy" in three parts. Well, might as well start the ball rollin'. Note: this takes place 7 years after "The Return of Shawn", so Fry should be about 34, same with Leela, and Shawn is about 7.
The professor is 170 now, i believe. Dwight and Cubert are 21.

"Shawn: Fry's Prodigy" Part 1-

Shawn was having that nightmare again. "No..." he moaned in his sleep as unknown creatures assaulted him in his dream. "Please...don't..." An especially large creature pounced on him. Shawn woke up, screaming. In the blink of an eye, his mother was in the room, in a battle stance, ready to kill whoever was attacking her son. When she saw no-one was in the room, she relaxed, and gave Shawn a sympathetic smile. "Shawnie," his mother began. Shawn interrupted quickly. "Mom! I asked you not to call me Shawnie anymore! I'm seven years old! I'm not a baby!" His mom nodded, and responded: "Shawn, honey, you know that I am trying my best. Were you having the nightmare again?" Shawn nodded. "I'm sick of this, mom. I want it to go away." His mother smiled at him and said before she closed the door, "Shawn, it'll go away someday. Goodnight, sweetheart." Shawn let his mother's words sink in. He cuddled up to his pillow, and feel asleep.

Leela walked back to her bedroom, exhausted. She walked through the door and laid down next to Fry on their bed. "Fry, dear?" Fry looked at her drowsily. "Yeah? What is it, Leela?" Leela smiled at him in mock malice, "It's officially your week to comfort Shawn." Fry groaned. "Seven nights of comforting him? Okay...I'll do it." Leela looked at him quizzically. "Well of course you will, Fry. You are his dad." Fry yawned. "I know, and you are my wife." And with that, Fry chuckled then rolled over and fell asleep. "Fry? What's that supposed to mean? Fry? Fry?? Oh well. I guess he gets no snoo-snoo tonight." Fry sat bolt upright. "Snoo-snoo? You? Me?" Leela nodded seductively and tackled him.

Shawn got up bright and early the next morning. He smiled to himself. Today was Daddy and Son Day. A day when his mom went out with her co-workers at Planet Express and Shawn got to stay home with his dad. He jogged into the kitchen just in time to see his mom off. "G'bye, Mom! I'll see you when you get home!" His dad joined him. "Bye Leela, honey. DON'T come back soon." Shawn giggled with has dad. It was an inside joke. His mom turned and waved. "Goodbye, Shawn! Goodbye, Fry! I love you both!" Leela hopped into their hovercar. Right before she sped off, she rolled down the window. "And don't break too much stuff!" Shawn and his dad waved her off, and then sped inside the house.

Fry and Shawn plopped down on the sofa and turned on the TV. Morbo and Linda appeared on the screen. Linda began speaking. "In other news, a large crime syndacite on Acrosos 2 has commenced preperations to begin destroying the Earth." Morbo nodded in agreement. "All they need is one puny mutant from the sewers of NNYC."
Shawn looked over at his father in concern. He was sound asleep. "This could be bad." Shawn whispered. "This could be very bad."

Leela sat happily in the O'Zorgnax pub, enjoying some LoBrau. Amy sat next to her, holding Kif's hand, chatting nonstop about their wedding plans. "...So as i was saying, you and Fry getting married really inspired me and Kif to get married." Leela looked at her in exasperation. "Amy, that was eight years ago!" Amy looked at Leela like she was some kind of idiot. "Spluh! I know!" Leela groaned and looked the opposite direction of Amy. Almost instantaneously she jumped up. "Professor! Don't sneak up on me like that! I could have broken your neck! Being a mom gives me even better reflexes!" The Proffesor nodded. "Oh my yes. Soylent Orange is much better than Soylent Green." Leela looked at him strangely. "Professor, I never said anything abou-" The Professor interrupted her. "Would you like a Kit-Kat Bar, Fry?" Leela was losing her patience. "First off, I'm not Fry. Second...yes, I would like a Kit-Kat Bar." The Professor glared angrily at her. "Leela, I never said anything about a Kit-Kat Bar. Now, I have a delivery for you. I need you to take this exceedingly large crate to Acrosos 2." Leela hesitated. "But Professor...ah, oh well. I could use a good delivery." Hermes stepped into the conversation. "You can't take de Planet Express ship." Leela glared at him. "Why?" she demanded. "De plot needs it later on in de story, mon."

To Be Continued... 
jle1993

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #32 on: 09-03-2006 04:48 »

Sorry if I went overboard, I was serious though. By the way, this new story is gonna by great, I can tell.
KitKatBar-Fry

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #33 on: 09-03-2006 16:08 »
« Last Edit on: 09-03-2006 16:08 »

Weeeee! Lotsa updates! If it were me there, I wouldn't think Fry could have done something like that. He's about as harmful as a basketful of kittens.   tongue

 
Quote
Originally posted by Futurama Llama:
(heck, Kitkat is my main beta)
 
Hooray, I'm a beta! No email-ing stuff  though. You never know what crapheads like Kotu or Wolves 95 might see my email and spam me 24/7. I'll be starting my own fan art thread as soon as I can get my scanner up, which will probably be tomorrow, so link me there whenever you update. I will be honored to help you edit and revise.
*salutes*
The citizens of me demand updates.


Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #34 on: 09-03-2006 17:03 »

And updates they shall get. But how should i send Part 2 of "Shawn: Fry's Prodigy" to you for beta-testing? Hmm?

Fry may be harmless, but Shawn and Fry together have the harmlessness of a porcupine on a cactus.

DID YOU KNOW? Shawn is a child prodigy. He wonders how he is so smart with a dad like Fry.

And have you noticed that Fry and Leela ar wealthy in this Fic? I'll need to name the source of the funds.
KitKatBar-Fry

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #35 on: 09-03-2006 19:41 »
« Last Edit on: 09-03-2006 19:41 »

Sorry, llama. I told you, I am not about to put that kind of personal stuff where other people can see. I'm not saying that you or anytone else who visits this thread will do something bad, but what about idiots like Kotu od Wolves95 that I mentioned? They might want to spam me. Tell you what. When I get my art thread started tomorrow, you link me from there whenever you have an update. I will edit anything you need. I will also try to post as soon as you have it up anything I think you should change or revise.
Thanks for being patient. I am just not comfortable puting that kind of stuff anywhere where people I don't know could reach it.    smile
Me want updates. NOW.

BTW on a lighter note, I could just hug you right now for making my and other names have a cameo. I love it!!!  love  love  love
*wipes tear*
My buddy has a sense of clever humor...
 And you listened to what I said. You put so much more detail into this one it looks like you died and was reborn as J.K Rowling  big grin Ecxellant work, dude!
Tastes Like Fry

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #36 on: 09-03-2006 23:53 »
« Last Edit on: 09-03-2006 23:53 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentOrange:
I'm pretty sure its just a futurama thing.  Actually, I've never heard the word used outside this message board... 

I have. I used to belong to one of the bigger general boards. 'ship' was used alot. Especially in the Harry Potter section   roll eyes

Futurama Llama: Great story so far, a bit simple and the plot seems sort of rushed.Try and slow the process along and then you can slip little jokes in here and there and perhaps a little character development.
Edit: and start new lines when a character is saying somehing.
'Like this.' I said. And he agreed saying,
'For it is clearer and you can tell who is saying which, what line.'

I hope what I've said is useful   tongue Keep it up!
Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #37 on: 09-04-2006 09:54 »

Thanks, tastes like fry. I will take that to heart. I will prolly update later today or something. And KitKat, im glad you noticed yoour cameo.
My plan is to make Part 1 short and fast and make parts 2 and 3 long and slow.
jle1993

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #38 on: 09-04-2006 11:07 »

Yay, more updates soon
Futurama Llama

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #39 on: 09-04-2006 15:23 »

My avatar is happy now! alright, expect part 2 very soon. Sorry if i drove folks away with my bad writing. I really want to say thanks to everyone. I love you all.
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