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Author Topic: My Fan Fic. My FIRST Fan Fic...........  (Read 720 times)
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Delivery Boy
« Reply #40 on: 04-16-2006 22:02 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 22:02 »

Originally posted by Officer 1BDI:

Everyone else has beaten the spam issue to death, so I'll just move on then.

  Well, I wouldn't be especially sad if they'd treated me like crap. :P  I agree that Fry should be sad for what he's left behind, but I think it's a bit contradictary for Fry to complain about his past 30 seconds prior to admitting he misses it.  You just might want to build up to it a bit more.

You are, of course, free to ignore any suggestion I offer.  This is your story, after all, not mine.     smile  I was just offering suggestions that I thought might make the story easier to read.

Edit: Woo!  Bending unit!

I thought i deleted that bit. guess it didn't. i'll edit the last bit out and change it. Where it says EDIT: you'll know i fixed it up.
You raise some good points! And before the next bit of it comes out, i'm using your pointers to fix it up!
And to Fryismyhero and Corvus i'm just trying to explain why i did that.

When am i going to become a Bending Unit??

<----<<< An arrow through my heart >>>---->

Urban Legend
« Reply #41 on: 04-16-2006 22:48 »

I read it start to finish and I thought it was a pretty good start.  I'm not sure the characters are acting quite like themselves, but hey it's your story so do whatever you want. 

Delivery Boy
« Reply #42 on: 04-16-2006 23:29 »

i'm trying to get Fry to be smart. Never liked Leela much, and she's always crticized him so i thought he should get her back...... hehehehe. just touching the second part up.

Delivery Boy
« Reply #43 on: 04-16-2006 23:36 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 23:36 »

HERE it is! I hope it's better than last time. No one really seemed to like it...... But hey! I asked for all the crap too!

CUT TO Leela’s apartment: her room. Fry runs from the room leaving Leela sitting on the bed. Still a bit shocked from his new brain power.

Leela’s mind: Well…… THAT was a complete failure.

Leela’s mind’s mind: D’uh. Now how are you going to fix it? He’s on to you.

Leela’s mind: Well. How should I know? He’s much smarter now and I think, you, Turanga are getting dumber. And for what? A delivery boy’s salary!

Leela’s mind’s mind: What’s making you dumber though? Lack of power? Or perhaps you’re falling for Fry your self now you have time to think……

Leela’s mind: I’m sure it’s the first one.

CUT TO New New York streets: Fry is walking back to Robot Arms APTS mumbling to himself.

Fry: I bet Leela thinks she has to own the world to be happy…… But then everyone would have to do her bidding and it would everybody else miserable.

He reaches the apartments and goes to the elevator. The numbers are in binary. He presses 1100101 (or 101 in normal numbers). He shoves his hands in his pockets and walks to the door labelled 00100100.

Fry (walking past Bender): Yo Bender, I think I’ll just go to bed tonight.

Bender: Whoa skintube! You mean you’re going to bed at 9:30?? What did Leela DO to you?

Fry: *sigh* (he explains everything, EVERYTHING).

Later (MUCH later. Around 11 o’ clock).

Bender: What a weirdo. Wanna tease her tomorrow surreptitiously?

Fry: Cool! Sounds good!

CUT TO PE conference table: The whole crew is there.

Hermes: Okay guys, your delivery today will be to the glass people of Translucelvania. And let me warn you dis, dey are VERY fragile. So don’t go stuffing this up! Or you can kiss your sorry butts outta here!

Leela (standing up, thinking she is captain): Yes sir!

Fry (standing up, fake impatience): Excuse me. I think I’m the captain of the ship?

Leela: Uh…… yes so you are.

CUT TO PES: Fry is in take off mode in the captain chair, Bender is at his usual spot and Leela is in Fry’s old chair.

Fry: Lift off in 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1……

He turns and looks at Leela.

Leela (unenthusiastically): *sigh* Blast off.

The ship soars out of the hangar. After awhile Fry puts the ship onto autopilot and calls a crew meeting.

Fry: Alright crew, and Leela…… We aren’t going to stuff this up (SOTTO) like previously.

Bender: Go meatbag! Woo! Yea…… (He turns and glares at Leela)

Fry: Now Leela what did we practise after the meeting? That when the-

Fry/Leela: -first mate starts a cheer everyone else follows.

Fry: Very good. Now why didn’t we do that?

Leela (starting to sound very gruwmpy): This isn’t Kindergarten you know!

Bender: Then what are you doing here? Hehehehe!

Leela grabs Fry by the ear and starts to pull him.

Fry: Ow, ow, quit it! Ouch!

He slaps off her hand. He looks at his hand as if he’s never seen it before.

Fry: Wow. I never knew I could do that.

Although Fry is OK Leela’s hand is red and throbbing.

Leela: Ow……

Bender: Aww does baby have a booboo?

CUT TO later: Fry is back at the driver’s seat, Leela isn’t there but Bender is next to Fry.

Bender: You know, Fry, ever since you’ve become captain I’ve felt more accepted. More wanted. More –

Fry: What do you want.

Bender: Can I go tease Leela? PLLEEEAAASSEEE??

Fry (not really listening): Why are you asking?

He leaves.

Fry’s mind: I wonder if I’ve been too hard on Leela-

Fry mind’s mind: Shut up.

Fry’s mind: -gone too far.

Fry’s mind’s mind: Shut up. Look she did this to you for years. I mean you’ll probably get fired soon so you have to give it to her in big burst to make up for all those horrible years.

Fry’s mind (smiling): Wow I really am smarter!

Fry flies the ship further for about another hour when he sees some of the shattered planets from when the glass people’s planets were under attack.

Fry: Bender! I need you to get ready to unload the Mr Sheen™ (you know the furniture and glass polish) crate.

Bender (OS): Ok Dokey!

Leela walks in and sits at her chair pouting.

Leela: Fry can you a least tell Bender to stop calling me names and making jokes about “finger movements” stupidity.

Fry (not caring, concentrating on landing more): I’m sure what he is saying is true.

Leela: That I should have never been captain in the first place and I didn’t deserve someone like you to even try to love you.

Fry: There, what did I tell you? It is true.

CUT TO PES hold: Bender and Leela are standing by while Fry is at the head.

Fry: Be careful with that crate LEELA! You don’t want to get us into trouble.

Leela: Oh yeah, well watch this!

She does a wobbly handstand tries to pick the crate up with her feet.

Leela’s mind: This oughta impress him!

But as she picks it up with her feet she wobbles VERY dangerously and if it weren’t for Bender’s extendo arms the whole crate would have broken and the tins inside dented (you know how you never buy dented tins!).

Fry (yelling): Watch what your doing Leela! That nearly smashed the crate and the Mr Sheen™! I’m going to report this to Hermes and see what he thinks! (To Bender) Good work pal, I’ll also tell Hermes about your great act! You’ll get a rase for sure.

Bender: Aww you’re the best Fry. Even for a carbon based being!

Leela, muttering under her breath that a real friend wouldn’t say anything, gets the job of loading the crate onto the dolly.

CUT TO the glass people’s castle: The Emperor is sitting in the throne.

Emperor Diaphanous the IX: Ah! The Mr Sheen™ at last! The castle needs a bit of a polish. Servants! (By the way, diaphanous actually means see-through!)

Head of Servants (in your typical butler voice): Yes your Majesty?

Emperor Diaphanous the IX: Set the servants to work on the cleaning.

The Emperor signs a form saying he got the Mr Sheen™ and has paid (which he has but it was just too quick for you to notice) and hands it to Fry. 

Head of Servants: At once your majesty.

He walks over the PE crew.

Head of Servants: Right this way.

Leela: Wow. Free accommodation.

Fry (casual): Uh, I think it’s more likely that we’re going to be the ones who clean the castle.

Leela: Be he said-

Fry: We ARE the servants. Now. Bender?

Bender (also calm): Yep?

Fry: Let’s get out of here. Oh and bring Leela will you?

Bender: *sigh* If I must……

They run.

Emperor Diaphanous the IX: Guards! Seize them!

Guards charge at them, swords raised. And in the doing Fry seems to have inherited moves from things like the Matrix. He kicks his way through the guards with Bender, and Leela over his shoulder, whistling and kicking the average person from behind Fry.

Leela’s mind: O.K this is really strange. I seem to be getting Fry’s stupidity and clumsiness and he’s getting the ability to be me. But I’m smart enough to realise it. Dose this mean Fry always used to feel like this when I was captain-

Leela, oblivious to the chaos around her, was still thinking about this when Bender had put her down in the ship.

Leela: Huh?

Neither Fry, who was steering the ship, nor Bender replied her. Feeling dizzy and confused she went back to her quarters.

CUT TO back on Translucelvania: The battle scene around is quite dismissing. There is glass everywhere.

Head of Servants (sounding like Kif): Now what are we to do Sir?

Emperor Diaphanous the IX: Well isn’t it obvious?

Head of Servants (sounding sooooo much like Kif I could call him ‘the one and only Kif’): *sigh*

He gets down and starts to pick up the mess only trips and shatters himself.

CUT TO previous scene: Nothing changed.

Bender: Do you think you should take annoying Leela to the next level, Captain Fry? (SOTTO) I love saying that……

Fry: You mean get a successful date and go out with her for ages then say there was something wrong with her as if I have high standards, and dump her?

Bender: You took the words right out of my mouth!

Fry (getting up and hi-fiving Bender): Alright! Great plan.

CUT TO PE conference room: Fry, Bender and Hermes are there. Fry has just finished a speech.

Fry: -and that’s why Bender should be paid more and Leela less.

Bender: Yeah!

Hermes: Good point. Done and done. From now on Bender will be paid more and Leela less.

CUT TO lounge: Leela and Amy are talking.

Leela: It’s like ever since Fry gave up on me I’ve wanted him more and sort of… switched places with him. (to herself) But then why isn’t Bender my friend?

Amy: Well I guess that’s because he’d never be friends with a girl over a boy…… And have you heard? Fry’s already got a successful date!

Leela: What? That’s not right.

While she’s pouting Amy takes this chance to make a break for it so she doesn’t have to talk to her any more about Fry.

CUT TO previous scene The Hip Joint: Fry and a very pretty girl are dancing. Her hair is brown with blonde streaks and has a silver nose ring that matches her blues eyes perfectly. Her choices of clothes are excellent, with a pink wrap around tank top without out the straps (yes …… ugh…… a boob tube……), a purple and black frilly skirt and high heeled ankle high ‘cowgirl’ boots.

Girl: So you say you’re a delivery ship captain for an intergalactic space ship?

Fry: That’s right Ashleigh. You know dancing is fun (PAUSE), but I know somewhere better.

Ashleigh: My place or yours?

CUT TO PE conference table: The PES is gone. Amy, Leela and Hermes are there.

Leela: Where’s the ship, Hermes (she has realised this just after Hermes told her about her reduced pay)?

Hermes: Fry took it out on a date he was going to.

Leela: He’s not allowed to do that! It’s company property!

Hermes: He’s paying.

Leela rolls her eye. At that point the ship lands gracefully making Hermes smile at the ingenious idea of his that Fry gets promoted. Fry walks out with his hand around Ashleigh.

Fry: Can I pay ya tomorrow? I’m kinda busy right now.

Hermes: Sure any ting for my captain.

The pair walks off.

Leela: You never did anything like that for me!

Hermes: Yes well this is Fry’s chance to find love!

Amy: Yeah! And I think it’s sweet he found a girl with such good taste in fashion! I have to meet up with her one day…… Go on something like a shopping spree.

Leela: You’ve never asked me on a shopping spree!

Amy: Yeah well your taste is too (considers)  blah. You only ever wear the same white tank top.

Leela: Remember when I wore a green one to work? A certain robot made fun of me.

At that point Bender walks by.

Bender: Hey, you may not have good depth perception. But you ain’t colour blind are you?

Everyone (even Zoidberg who just wants to be part of the group): HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Leela, once again, begins to pout.

CUT TO Robot Arms APTS: Fry is just saying goodbye to Ashleigh

Ashleigh: When can we see each other again?

Fry: Well, I’ve got work tomorrow but I should be aloud to at least call you to tell.

Ashleigh: Great. See you then. Bye.

Fry: Bye.

He walks inside and gets some Slurm and sits in front of the TV, turning it on. A couple hours later Bender walks in.

Bender: Yo Fry.

Fry: Hey. You know the plan, I’ve got a slight twist to it. You know the bit where I dump all the people I meet, well instead of that it would be more effective if I stayed with the one girl. Plus Ashleigh is really nice.

Bender: Fry! You aren’t going to get lovesick or something and become delivery boy again and lose all your power?!

Fry: No. I think I was only stupid for Leela ‘cuse I didn’t have her, but I have Ashleigh.

Bender: What if she dumps you?

Fry: Oh I’m used to being dumped, so I’ll just find a new girl and go to work and say I dumped Ashleigh.

Bender: Oh Your God. You. Are. So. Smart. (SOTTO) Now.

Fry: I know.

CUT TO Amy’s apartment (for a change): Kif and Amy are sitting on Amy’s huge bed.

Kif: So are we going to have the frilly cake or the one with the icing flowers?

Amy: Let’s get both. Oh I’m so excited! Our wedding is only four weeks away, on Valentines Day! (suddenly solemn) Kif, before we start our new life together I want to tell you that after the effects of the pill wore off I regretted it slightly. But please forgive me because I know I really do love and I want us to get married!

Kif (overjoyed): Oh of course I forgive you! How could I not?

Amy: Oh thank you Kif! We’ll have Fry drive our Limo, Bender as the Best Man, and Cubert as the Ring Bearer and …… Hey who’s gunna be the Brides Maid?

Kif: Well, what about Leela?

Amy: Nah. She’s been real touchy lately. I know! I’ll ask Fry’s girlfriend once I get to know her a little. But if that fails I’ll be forced to ask Leela.

CUT TO next day PE conference table: The whole crew is there.

Hermes: Well dere aren’t and deliveries today, so I guess all of you have de day off. But Amy and Fry I need you do de ships maintenance check?

Leela’s mind: Hehehehe that outta make him unhappy! He’s always hated helping with anything to do with the ship!

Fry: Alright. And Hermes heres the money I owe you.

He hands Hermes what looks like to Leela a $100 note.

Leela’s mind: How can he suddenly afford all that for just one date? Even on my old salary.

Fry: Keep the change so I don’t have to pay you for another 4 times.

Leela’s mind: Oh.

Amy: And Fry I’ve been needing to talk to you about meeting up with your girlfriend.

They head to the ship. Leela just sits there looking gloomy.

Bender: Skintube, you’ve got the day off. Why don’t you just go back to your apartment 1i? (If you don’t now why it’s funny it’s because Leela’s apartment number is 1i and she only has one eye) HAHAHAHAHA!

Bender walks away laughing to himself.

CUT TO PES hangar: Amy and Fry are doing the check.

Amy: She seems really nice can you organise for me to meet her-

They begin to talk about Amy’s wedding and why she needs to get to know Ashleigh. Leela sneaks up to behind the ship.

Fry: Why don’t you just ask Leela to be Brides Maid?

Amy: If you ask me she’s been really touchy lately. But even if she wasn’t I would only ask her as a last resort, she’s not that much of a friend to me.

Fry: I can’t believe I used to want to be with her. I bet, even if I did win her heart, she’d grow tried of me or be ashamed of me because of my stupidity.

Amy: You know it’s really weird; it’s as if you and Leela swapped places. Like now you’re smart and Leela’s dumb, your captain and Leela’s the delivery person and Leela wants you but you don’t want her.

That was all Leela needed to hear. She ran all the way back to her apartment and threw herself onto her bed.

Leela (sobbing): Why? Why me? Why now?

At that point the vent next to her opened and her fathers head popped out.

Morris: Hey we heard you crying through the vents, what’s wrong?

Leela (still sobbing): Oh nothing, you wouldn’t believe or understand it…… *sniff*

Morris: Hey we believed all those other adventures you’ve told us about. And they were pretty farfetched!

Leela: This isn’t an adventure, it’s a nightmare!

Munda (OS in the sewers): And so what if we don’t understand? It’ll help to get it off your chest.

Leela: I guess your right……

So Leela tells her parents about her troubles and all that has happened.

Munda: Well I know this won’t help much but, everything should turn out O.K, even if it doesn’t you’ll get over Fry even though he was the one who found us for you……

Leela: That’s exactly it! Fry’s helped me so many times and all I’ve done in return is yell at him, reject him and call him a moron.

Munda: Oh! Morris! It’s starting!

Morris: Coming dear! I’m sorry Leela but you picked us at a bad time, this is the only time we’ll see a movie in our entire lives!

Leela (quietly): O.K.

CUT TO three weeks and 6 days later PE conference table: It is one day before Valentines Day and Amy’s wedding, Amy and Ashleigh have got to know each other very well and Ashleigh is going to be the Brides Maid. Fry and Ashleigh have continued dating each other growing more and more attached. Throughout these weeks Leela has tried and failed at impressing Fry, making him dislike her more for her clumsiness.

Hermes: Now as you all know, Amy’s weddin’ is tomorrow and she has given us dese magnificent suits to wear so we should all be very grateful to her.

Everyone except Leela and Amy: Thanks Amy!

Amy: Your welcome guys. Hermes, can Fry and I be excused for today? We were going to test drives some of the different limos in stock.

Hermes: Amy of course you’re allowed, but we need Fry for a delivery!

Fry: I have complete trust in Leela piloting the ship, when she was captain she got us out of many sticky situations.

Hermes: O.K Fry, but if she stuffs up I’ll have to take it out of your pay.

Fry: Bender will be there. Right buddy?

Bender: Sure will.

He eyes Leela suspiciously. Amy and Fry leave.

Hermes: Right you two the delivery is to the Saturn Steakhouse, the one Fry burnt down in his blindness, it is a crate of knives and forks so be careful not to run with them.

Leela: You can count on us Hermes.

Bender and Leela load the crate onto the ship, prepare for take-off. The ship soars into the sky.

Bender: Now that everything’s under control I’ll just be going to my room, but if you try anything you’re dead meat. You got that skintube?

Leela: *sigh* Yes sir.

CUT TO Larry’s Leisure Limos’ For Hire: Amy and Fry have already tried out 2 cars.

Amy: Which should we try next?

Fry (pointing): Oh how about that one?
Amy: Nah yellow isn’t my colour……

Fry: Hey, how about that pink one over there?

Amy: Yeah!

CUT TO later on, on the PES: Bender has come out to supervise Leela landing.

Leela (through gritted teeth): How am I doing so far (particularly strained) CAPTAIN Bender?

Bender: Could be doing better.

CUT TO PES hold: Both Bender and Leela are unloading the crate.

Bender: Leela you push the dolly and I’ll supervise you.

Leela: Fine.

They begin they’re way through to the front of the Saturn Steakhouse.

Bender: Hello! Anybody home? It’s the PE group with your knives and forks!

Sal from ‘Parasites Lost’ comes out.

Sal: Ah the knives and forks ats lasts.

Bender: Just sign here.

He uses his extendo arms to give the form to Sal. Sal hands it back. Bender turns his back to Sal and pops a couple of things in his chest cabinet.

Bender (suspiciously): We’ll just be leaving now……

On his way out Leela sicks her foot out as he walks past sending him flying to the floor. His cabinet opens and out comes the stolen items.

Sal: Heys, he’s stealin our stuff! Gets him!

Bender: Waugh! I’m outta here!

But as he tries to escape a cook blocks his way. Leela and Bender are trapped.

CUT TO Larry’s Leisure Limos’ For Hire: Amy and Fry have decided on the pink limo.

Larry: How long will you be hiring it for?

Amy: Three days.

Just then she gets call on her Wrist Thingy™. It is Leela (surprise surprise!)

Leela: Uh, Bender got us into jail for stealing some of the-

Bender butts in.

Bender: If you hadn’t tripped me, I would’ve gotten away with it too!

Leela: Yeah well, just come and pay the bail soon?


Larry: And when will you be taking the car?

Fry: Now.

Amy pays and they both hop into the hover limo and leave Larry spitting dust.

CUT TO New New York Police Station: Fry and Amy are paying bail with what little money they have with them.

Smitty: You only have enough for one of the two. You can come back and get the other later.

Url: Oh yeah……

Fry: I think we’ll take the robot first.

Url: Good choice.

Leela: But Bender was the one who actually stole something!

Fry shrugs.

Fry: You’ll be out in time for the wedding.

CUT TO in the limo: Fry driving with Bender and Amy in the back.

Fry: You can bet if Leela ever becomes captain again I won’t be anywhere near PE ever again!

They all laugh.

Amy: But seriously Fry, if you think Leela would be so mad why are you doing it?

Fry: Never in my life have I been at the top of something. Been able to boss everyone around. So I’m taking life by the neck while I can.

Amy (SOTTO): Such wise words coming from such a mouth……

CUT TO that night Fry’s and Bender’s apartment. Bender isn’t there but Fry and Ashleigh are sitting on the ‘bed’ (if it could so be called that).

Fry: See you tomorrow at the wedding. And I have a little surprise too.

Ashleigh: OH! I can’t wait! You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, Fry. I just know one day we’ll be able to spend the rest of our lives together.

All Fry did in return was a smile. Then he gasped

Fry: CRUD! I left Leela in jail!

Ashleigh (PO): You mean that snotty eyeball?

Fry: Yeah that one. I promised her I’d have her out of there for tomorrow, and I’m not gunna have any time in the morning because I’m chauffeuring everyone to the wedding.

Ashleigh (PO): Fine if you have to.

Fry: Yeah, sorry.

He ran from the room Ashleigh follows.

Fry (locking the door): I can walk you home if you like.

Ashleigh: No it’s O.K I’ll walk by myself.

CUT TO New New York Police Station: Fry is running up the stairs to see a guard closing the door. We zoom inside to Leela’s cell which is in the front of the station.

Fry (muffled from outside): No wait my friend’s still in there! I need to get her out now!

Officer: Why didn’t you come earlier?

Fry: Well ah, I was busy.

Officer: Alright, come on in.

Fry: Thank-you so much!

Officer (now can be heard properly): Which one?

Fry (pointing at Leela): That one.

CUT TO outside in the street: Fry and Leela are walking.

Leela (PO): It’s nice to know that I’m second to your love life.

Fry: Sorry. If you hadn’t tripped Bender, he would’ve gotten away with it and you wouldn’t have gone to jail at all.

Leela and Fry look at each other, for a few seconds it looks like something sparks between them.

Leela (scoffing): Come on Fry! You know there’s something between us!

Fry appears to be having a mental disturbance because one of his eyes are twitching. Suddenly he kisses her, deeply.

Leela’s mind: Hehehehe……

Fry eyes widen at what he’s done.

Fry: No! I have to go!

He runs in the direction of Robot Arms APTS. Leela slumps her shoulders and walks home.

Leela (quietly): Rats……

CUT TO the next day in a church: The whole PE crew is there including Scruffy and Cubert (who is the Ring Bearer). Hermes is playing here comes the bride on the organ. Amy is wearing a VERY expensive looking dress and Kif, at the head of the isle, is wearing a formal version of the DOOP uniform.

Priest: Now Amy Wong has prepared some vows to be read.

Amy: Forever is not long enough to tell you of the many ways of how I love you Kif Kroeker-

Leo & Inez: Just get on with the wedding.

Amy: Mum! Dad!

Priest: Do you Amy Wong take Kif Kroeker to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Amy: Yes!

Priest: And do you Kif Kroeker take Amy Wong to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Kif: I do!

Priest: Now does anyone here have any reason for these two not to be joined? Speak now or for ever hold your peace! [pause, you can hear crickets in the background for some reason] I now pronounce you, husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.

The two kiss each other, and proceed back down the isle to the limo which is driven by Fry. On the way to the reception Kif is with Amy, Fry is with Ashleigh, Hermes is with LaBarabra, the Professor is sitting next to Cubert, Scruffy is reading a porno magazine, Zoidberg is with a lady lobster (like in ‘Love’s Labour Lost in Space’) but Leela is sitting alone and miserable. The reception is at a place called Elita’s Extraordinary Party Palace. It is lavishly furnished with expensive chandeliers and bars with cham-PAYNE. The guests pour in (Zapp is one of them), Zapp immediately notices Leela alone and walks over.

Zapp: Ah if it isn’t the lovely Leela. Come back for more of the big ‘Z’?

Leela: In your dre-

Leela’s mind: Maybe, just maybe if you hit it off with Zapp Fry will see and be offended because he tried so hard to get me, but all I did was feel sorry for Zapp!

Leela: -Yes! I did! (seductively) I did come back for the some more of the big ‘Z’.

Zapp is taken by surprise at this sudden change of heart. Leela sees Fry leaning over Ashleigh and leaning against a wall near the unisex bathroom. She takes this chance to lead Zapp in. As she walks past she looks at Fry and he looks back mouthing
“I thought you could do better, but o well!”
When he turns back Leela hears him say
“Come out the back I’ve got a surprise for you!”
Zapp looks excited.

Leela: This is for you Zapp……

She leans in close and he anticipates she going to kiss him, but instead he receives a sharp slap.

Leela: And stay away from me!

She casually walks from the bathroom as if she merely went to the toilet. Where as Zapp walks from the room with a black eye and a slouching posture. Just as she comes from the bathroom she sees Fry and Ashleigh sneaking out the back entrance.

Leela’s mind: If I don’t want Fry to see me I’d better go out the front……

As she tries to go out the front Amy storms up to her.

Amy: You know it rude to leave a party when it’s only been on 2 minutes!

Leela: I ah…… Just needed to…… get! A present I had for you and Kif!

Amy: Aww that’s sweet! But there’s nothing you have that I don’t already (SOTTO) except being a freak and a jealous loser……

She walks off, forgetting Leela. Leela uses this opportunity to escape. As she gets out she sneaks round a corner to crouch behind a dumpster. She takes a deep breath and quickly slips her head round to she Fry and Ashleigh making out.

Leela’s mind: Typical Fry, wanting to get out of a party so he could make out with his girlfriend. And he probably only with her because she got looks, she is popular, is a good kisser and is wealthy…… unlike me……

Fry: Oh Ashleigh, we’ve only been together a month but, I love you!

Ashleigh: And I love you to Fry!

Leela’s mind: ……

Leela: *sob*

Fry: And that’s proof enough of why you should answer ‘yes’ to this question!

Leela (quietly): Oh God no……

Fry: Ashleigh Yasmine. Will you marry me?

Ashleigh (delighted joyful, high pithed squeaky voice): YES! I WILL!

Leela (jumping out from her hiding place): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fry (annoyed): Leela!? Can’t you accept I’m happy? I don’t love you anymore!

Ashleigh: You used to love her? I mean, I can see why she wants you back, but you’ve definitely made a change for the better.

Fry (worried): That doesn’t affect your answer does it?

Ashleigh: Of course not.

Leela: But Fry……

Fry: Leave. Me. Alone Leela.

The words rattle around inside her head fading, fading as the two in front of her kiss.

* * *

Fry (distant): Leela ! Leela! Come quick!
Ralph Snart

Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
« Reply #44 on: 04-17-2006 02:22 »

Being something of a fledging author of crappy stories, I know it's difficult to write.  I will give my opinions.  They are given free of charge, so they should be treated as such.

First:  Even if Fry and Leela were to trade intellects, you have Fry being almost cruel to Leela.  As frustrated as he may be with her constant rebuffs and rejections, it is completely out of character for him to be mean and malicious to anybody, unless it's somebody who has tried to harm Leela.  If they were to trade personailties, then he would protect her from herself.  Leela is a very nurturing person - even when Fry aggravates her to the end of sanity, it's almost bred in her to protect him.  He would do the same for her.

Second:  If Leela were to suddenly lose her intellect, her personality is such that she's a survivor.  She also has a tremendous amount of pride - almost to the point of being misconstrued as arrogance.  She wouldn't stalk Fry to win him over (she would tell herself), but she would do so as a protector.

Third:  Amy and Leela haven't always been the best of friends, but she would never treat Leela so shabbily.  Amy has always been friends with Fry - his antics have never bothered her, and she's secretly admired Leela.  Amy would be very upset with Fry for treating Leela the way he has.

Your story seems to have everybody turning on Leela - to the point that she's almost as friendless and lonely as when she was in the orphanarium.

Now, if you have a point that Fry realizes that he's being a jerk to Leela and Amy realizes that Leela doesn't deserve to be treated like crap, then I'll say it's character development.  Especially if/when the personalites get placed back in the right person.  Leela realizes how much she's hurt Fry over the years and modifies her behavior and Fry realizes how much he has irritated Leela and becomes less aggravating.

My major peeves are the cruelty that Fry and Amy have shown to Leela; we expect that out of Bender.

That's my oxygen.

Bending Unit
« Reply #45 on: 04-17-2006 02:41 »
« Last Edit on: 04-17-2006 02:41 »

I liked it. except the parts where there out of charictor. Deffinaly an improvement.

Delivery Boy
« Reply #46 on: 04-17-2006 03:09 »

sorry pleoples, this is a dead thread because
1. I haven't finished the 3rd part
2. I have school so i will NEVER have a moment of spare time
3. We are selling our computer.

Let this thread die.

Bending Unit
« Reply #47 on: 04-17-2006 03:11 »

So sad the story will go unfinished. Are you sure your not going to get a new computer?

Bending Unit
« Reply #48 on: 04-27-2006 17:25 »

I like it Amy101010 it's very creative and well put together.
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