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Author Topic: My Fan Fic. My FIRST Fan Fic...........  (Read 773 times)
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Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« on: 04-15-2006 23:33 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 00:00 »

Yo peoplez this is my first fan fic and i'm very shy   roll eyes . But tell me everything. All of it. All the crap. But mostly compliments please.
It was too big for just one huge part (or so i think), so i split it up into 3 parts. I haven't quite finished the third, but the first and second are ready to go.
I originally worte this for another site, so i don't know how you set it out here, but this is how i set out mine. OK?!?!
Oh and by the way this is a Fry and Leela thing (Fry being my favourite charater, and Leela lest -favourite), so i though Fry should get his dignity back (which is why i wrote this).
Each time i post a new part i'm hoping to have atleast 2 post in between......

AND HERE IT IS!!

Disclaimer:
All the characters were created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen. So you got any problems go complain to them!!
Episode Setting:
This episode takes place after “The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings” or whatever the last episode was called.
Abbreviations:
OS: off screen
PE: Planet Express
PES: Planet Express Ship (because I’m so lazy……)
PO: pissed off
VO: voice over
SOTTO: not really abbreviation…… but it means something said that no ones else is supposed to hear……
CUT TO: uh…… you know like in the movies when everything goes blank and you end up somewhere else……

CUT PE lounge room: Fry and Bender are watching T.V. and Leela is sitting at the table reading a magazine. All their deliveries are done for the day.

T.V. Ad Spokesman: Come one come all to the all time famous and much loved……

A flashing sign at the bottom says “just opened”.

T.V. Ad Spokesman: ……… Saturn Steakhouse! It has many features including: personal hygiene, moderately clean toilets and best of all…… The food is edible!

Fry (obviously impressed): Wow! That is good!

Bender: Yeah sounds like my kinda place……

At that time they were doing a shot of the interior. It was covered in valuable number plates/paintings and buggalow horns (hey you don’t know what a buggalow is? You obviously haven’t seen “Where the Buggalow Roam” then). You know your typical steakhouse.

Bender: I might even have to clear out some space…… hehehehehe……

Bender gets up and starts taking out random objects from his chest compartment. Akas: a fish bowl, a bible with a picture of a beer bottle on the front, a thieving kit……

Bender: Whoop! I need that.

He picks up the kit and puts it back. He then returns to clearing everything out.

Leela: Whoa, whoa, whoa (she puts down her magazine). Who said we were going anywhere? Especially seeing that Bender’s already preparing for the trip.

Fry: Aww come Leela! (seductively) We can say this is a date…… (returning to normal) Except Bender will tag along. But we’ll hardly notice.

Leela’s mind: Come on give him a chance! Plus Bender will be there to make he doesn’t try anything……

Leela: On second thought. I’ve had a change of heart, I will go on a date with you Fry! Let’s go.

Fry/Bender: WHAT!?

Fry gets up and sits at the table with Leela.

Fry: So why the change of heart? Is it my brains? Or perhaps my lightning sharp wit? No! I’ve got it! It’s my cute boyish charm isn’t it?

Leela: Uh…… Yeah why not?

Bender (getting up and standing next to Leela): You’re the best captain a man-bot could ever get, Leela.

Leela: Aww thanks Bender that’s so sweet!

Bender turns around with Leela’s wallet in his hands.

Bender (SOTTO): Hehehehe…… Sucker……

Fry: Uh…… right well I’ll just get changed then…… (SOTTO) YES!

CUT TO Elzars Restaurant: Fry and a disgruntled looking Bender and Leela are sitting a table.

Fry: OK, OK! So the place burnt down…… That isn’t my fault……

Bender: Actually meatbag……

Leela (shouting): IT WAD YOUR FAULT, ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU HADN’T TRIED TO COOK MY MEAL PERFECTLY -EVEN WHEN I SAID IT WAS OK!- YOU WOULDN’T HAVE SET FIRE TO THE STOVE!

Everyone was looking at them.

Fry (meekly with his head down): I was just trying to help……

Bender: Well you failed didn’t you skintube? And thanks to you some irreplaceable artefacts was lost in that fire!

Fry: *sigh* (SOTTO) I can’t do anything right…… (getting up) I’ll just be going home……

Bender: Oh no you won’t! Not while I’m not there to supervise you! Do something useful and get yourself drunk ‘cuse I intend to say for my meal……

Elzar (who was watching the whole charade from a distance): BAM!

CUT TO pub: Fry is holding a beer bottle and looking gloomy. Amy walks in with her latest boyfriend (because Kif was on a holiday for a year, and Amy was getting bored).

Amy: Fry? What are you doing here? I thought you were with Leela and Bender on Saturn.

Fry: Ah. It mysteriously burnt down and the place was evacuated.

Amy: Mmm, I see. Would this mysterious fire have anything to do with Leela’s honour?

Fry (sounding and looking very drunk): Course not! Oh wait that’s the beer talking. Yep spot on sista!

He tries to hi five her but misses and falls off his stool face first on the floor.

Derek: Come on Amy, I have to have this suit returned by 11!

Amy: You mean you’re not rich?

Derek: Uh……

Amy: We are so through……

Derek leaves looking down cast. Meanwhile Amy helps Fry off the floor.

CUT TO: Amy’s apartment. Fry and Amy are sitting at an expensive looking dinning table for about 15 people.

Fry (still sounding and looking a bit drunk): Your sooooooooooo kind to me Amy.

Amy: Uh yea…… You’re not so bad yourself…… I’ll get some water for you, go have a shower.

Fry: You see, there you go ag-

Amy: Just go have a shower…… (SOTTO) I don’t know why I bother……

CUT TO Amy’s bedroom: A much better looking Fry is sitting on the bed with Amy. The bedroom is complete with everything from an extremely comfortable bed to a huge wardrobe. Nearly everything is pink.

Fry: Cool bedroom ya got here Amy. You just need to let yourself go a little. Like everything’s to neat!

Amy (through gritted teeth): My bedroom is THE latest style from the furniture to the WAY IT’S SET OUT!

Fry (to no one in particular): Whoa women sure are touchy. Not like in the 20th century when every-

Amy’s mind: I need some calm pills! And now!

Amy: Uh…… I’ll be right back.

Fry: K.

CUT TO Amy’s bathroom:

Amy: Uh right.

She starts to search through the cabinet. There is a shot of inside the cabinet looking out there are two bottles one labelled calm medicine and another saying love pills. Amy grabs the one labelled love pills (what a surprise!) and without looking at the label takes one (naughty Amy!).

Amy: Whoa! I feel dizzy.

She stumbles a bit then faints bringing the bottle down with her. It smashes.

Now before then next scene, I’ll explain that the pills work by this rule. When you wake up the first person you see (yes male or female!) you will instantly fall in love with them.

CUT TO Amy’s bedroom, previous scene: Fry is singing the tune to “I’m walking on sunshine”.

Fry: I’m walking on sunshine whoa! I’m walking on sunshine wh-(smashing sound) –at was that?

He gets up and walks to the bathroom. There when he opens the door he sees Amy on the floor.

Fry (not caring): Hmm.

He walks to the phone taking his time. The speed dial options were:
Ambulance.
Fry: Nah.
Leela.
Fry: Leela? Definitely Not
Kif
Fry: Ah, what the hell.

He presses the button. Kif answers

Kif: Fry? I’m on holiday. What is it?

Fry (casually): Amy passed out on the floor. I guess it’s no biggy…… but……

Kif: Amy? Passed? Floor? On? Out? The?

Fry: No, no, you got the order all-

Kif: I’ll be right there!

He hangs up. Fry walks back to the bathroom.

Fry: guess I should try to wake her up……

He pours water on her. He makes loud sounds. He even tries saying that her parents lost everything, became in debt and she has to give back all her stuff to repay it and begin life as a poor person.

Fry: Whoa. Even that didn’t wake her!

CUT TO Amy’s view: Kif has arrived. Everything is black.

Amy: Ughn……

Fry: Hey Kif I think she’s coming round!

Kif: Out of my way you buffoon!

There is a thump. Presumably Fry falling to the floor.

Amy (opening her eyes): Kif Kreoker (I think that’s how you spell his last name   wink) will you marry me?

Yes she saw Kif! And seeing she’s already In love with him and can’t love him any more she took it to the next level.

Kif: Uh. Um. Eh. Ah. Oh. YES!

They join in a passion embrace. Fry is left standing, or rather sitting, there looking at them. He starts backing away wide eyed and mouthed (like in that Simpson’s episode how Homer saw Apu having an affair the Squishy Lady) all the way back his apartment where he bumps into Bender at the door.

Bender: Watch it meatbag! You could be gone like that!

He tries to click his fingers, but fails. Fry pushes past him and sits in front of the T.V, turning it on, when he hears Bender screaming. Fry looks back through the door and sees Bender has set himself alight with his cigar lighter in his finger attempting to snap them.

CUT TO outside Robot Arms ATPS: The place is on fire. Bender is standing next to Fry looking charred and smoked. The police (including Smitty and his robot buddy, Url)

Bender: This is all your fault skintube.

Fry: How?! You were the one who lit the place up!

Smitty (from behind Bender): You’re under arrest for burning down a building.

He puts handcuffs on him.

Smitty: See you in court.

Url: Ooo yeah……

CUT TO the next day in court: All the PE crew are in front row seats except for Bender, who’s at a desk in front of them, and Amy, who’s probably having fun with Kif else where…… The trial has just started. By the way Bender, Fry and everyone else who lived in Robot Arm APTS was shifted to a homeless shelter for the night.


Leela (whispering): Fry how could you turn in Bender like that! I know he’s annoying but he’s your friend!

Fry (whispering): For your information Leela, I didn’t turn him in, I-

Judge: Will one Philip J. Fry step up to testify?

Fry: *gulp*

He gets up and makes his way to the front.

Hyperchicken (voice getting lower): Now I may be just your average country Hyperchicken  DID YA SEE HIM DO IT?!?! BUCK ARK!!

Fry (he shrinks back): Ggnh! Uh… um… ah… well you see the thing is…

He looks from Leela to Bender to the truth-o-scope hovering above him. He starts to sweat.

Fry: Well… ah…

Judge: Reminding Mr. Fry he IS under oath, and that I have better things to do so…… HE’D BETTER WELL HURRY UP AND TESTIFY!

Fry (quietly): Well it was sort of an accident and was only trying to snap his fingers……

Truth-o-scope: WARNING! WARNING! LAIR ALERT! LAIR ALERT!

Fry: WHAT?! That thing is broken! That was the truth!

Truth-o-scope: Not you idiot! Some guys being scammed out of $1 million at the back there!

The machine points to a man with a weird moustache and a hat.

Judge: What? This is a far more important case!

Fry: Is Bender innocent?

Judge: Yes probably! What do I look like? A person who gives a shit?

CUT TO outside: PE crew are hoarding out.

Hermes: We’re already 2 hours late for work! We need get quickly, the professor has a delivery for you!

CUT PE conference table: Everyone is there minus Amy.

Hermes: Mon where is Amy?

Fry (sounding very suspicious): Uh…… I would know absolutely nothing about that topic.

Professor: Yes, well we won’t ask you then will we? But does anyone else know where she is?

Everyone (Fry sounding very strange): No……

Fry: No. No. No. No……

Leela: Fry, where’s Amy?

Fry: Well…… Right now she’s doin’ it with Kif, but later they’re gunna get married. (his hand shot to his mouth realising what he said) Op!
 
CUT TO Amy’s apartment: The pill is starting to wear off. She is in bed with Kif.

Kif: Oh Amy I’m so glad we’re finally getting married!

Amy (starting to regret it now): Oh yeah… great……

CUT TO PE conference table previous scene: everyone looking at Fry because of what he absentmindedly blurted out.

Fry’s mind: Aww crud. What have I done? Maybe that pill (yes he knew about the pill……) is starting to wear off, even if not now, Amy might regret it. But now that everyone knows she can’t really back out of it without making a fool out of Kif……

Hermes: Yes well…… interesting. But we still have a delivery to make. Professor?

Professor: Eh. Wha?

Hermes: The delivery.

Professor: Oh yes the delivery! Right off you go to deliver the package.

The Professor starts to shuffle out of the room.

Leela: What package? Where does it go?

Professor (angrily): Weren’t you listening when I told you about the package of stuffed animals that needs to go to Luna Park on the moon?

Leela: Uh…… Well we’ll be heading off for the delivery

Professor: But you just asked me what it was! How could you know where it’s to go if I haven’t told you? (grumbling) Kids these days……

CUT TO PES hanger: Fry and Bender are loading the crate of stuffed animals into the ship using the magnet (like in “The Series Has Landed”) and Leela is giving them instructions.

Leela: A little to the left. No! More to the right……

Bender: Jeeze, skintube make up your mind! I’ve porno magazines with my name on ‘em!

Fry: Yeah! Just switch the words porno with bikini parade and magazine with catalogue!

Bender: You stay outta this meatbag! Next thing ya know the place’ll be one fire like this!

He tries to snap his fingers. But fails, so he continues trying.

Leela: Look, Fry, we need to talk.

CUT TO behind the PES: Fry and Leela are there.

Leela: Fry about last night……

Fry: Oh don’t worry Leela, I’ve learnt my lesson about asking you out. Trust me it’ll never happen again. Let’s just forget the whole Fry likes Leela thing ever happened and move on in life, It’s been nothing but a disappointment to me and…… Well it’s been disappointing to me.

He walks back around to a screaming Bender -who has once again set himself on fire- with a bucket of water in his hand.

Leela (quietly): That’s not what I wanted……

CUT TO inside PES: Fry is in his usual position sitting in his seat, Leela at seat ready for take off, but Bender is nowhere to be seen (probably -well I would know because I wrote this Fan Fic…… But probably sounds better- reading those porno magazines).

Leela: Taking off in 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1……

Fry: BLAST OFF!

Leela (SOTTO): Thank-you Fry……

CUT TO there is a shot of the ship landing in Luna Park: The camera then zooms to the “cargo bay” or whatever it’s called. Fry and Bender are now unloading the crate. Leela is merely watching.

Bender: I’d like to you do some work!

Fry: Yeah! Your always saying we never do anything and are unhealthy, but I suppose that doesn’t apply to you seeing you’re the captain.

Leela: Hey I- uh……

Bender and Fry hi five each other and continue to unload the package.

Leela: Right after we’ve done this delivery we can visit the park.

Fry/Bender: Not if it’s gunna be anything like last time!

Bender: I got chased by a weird moon man.

Fry: And I was physically and mentally disappointed.

Leela: You may not want to come, but I am going so may as well come too.

Fry/Bender (grumbling): Alright……

CUT TO outside in the theme park after the delivery: Bender and Fry aren’t doing anything, but Leela has bought a fridge magnet and continues to look around.

Fry (whispering to Bender): psst…… if we…… money!

Bender: Great plan Fry!

They momentarily disappear behind a tent, then come back with ripped clothes (in Benders case looking greasy and dented) and it appears Fry has put sand around his face to make it look like he hasn’t shaved in awhile (you know, stubble).

Bender (to Leela): Yoink!

He steals the fridge magnet off her and slaps it on his head. He immediate begins to sing like a folk singer. Fry eagerly puts a hat in front of them and begins to dance to Benders tune.

Bender (harmonically): OOOOOOO the Grand Old Duke of York! HE had ten thousand men! He marched……

People start to gather round and throw money into their hat.

Leela (through gritted teeth): Grrr! Those lousy scammers……

She marches over to them and shoes the crowd away. Bender takes the magnet off.

Fry (obviously not impressed): Leela?! Why’d ya do that?

Bender: Yeah! We were just trying to earn some honest cash!

Leela: That wasn’t honest! You were pretending to be poor!

Bender: But it was the dancing and singing they were pleased with! The costumes were just little reminders to give us cash!

Fry: Yeah. ‘Cuse if we had just sat there saying give to the poor, we wouldn’t have half the amount of cash here. Plus we’d be *finger movement* lying!

Leela’s mind: You have to admit it, Turanga, they do have a point……

Leela: Well…… (not being able to think of a good comeback) You could have asked for the magnet……

Leela walks to behind one of tents/stalls whatever…… and sits down.

Leela’s mind: Ever since Fry has stopped liking me, he seems to have become smarter and immune to my put downs. It’s like love sickness was making him stupid……

Leela’s mind’s mind: Then why was he stupid in the 20th century?

Leela’s mind: Loneliness?

Leela’s mind’s mind: Most likely.

Leela’s mind: All I really know is that I have to get him back to being stupid or someone get replaced then fired cuse their useless!

Leela’s mind’s mind: I.e. you?

Leela’s mind: Precisely!

Fry comes round the tent in search of Leela.

Fry: Hey Leela could we leave seeing yo- why do you look so sad? Actually never mind. Bender and I will be waiting in the ship and if your not there in precisely…… 15mins we’ll leave without you. (SOTTO)Any later and we’ll miss All My Circuits……

Leela: How?!

Fry: I can pilot the ship! Remember? (He is referring to episodes like “Time Keeps on Slippin” and “The Bird-bot of Ice-catraz”)

Leela burst into tears. Fry shrugs and walks back to the ship.

Leela (choked voice through the tears): I. Could. Real-ly. Use. A. Hug. Righ-t. Now!

CUT TO PES inside: Fry is in his chair and regularly checking his watch. Bender is looking out for Leela.

Bender: No sign of her Captain Fry!

Fry: 5mins left.

Bender Do ya think she has money to call an Intergalactic Taxi?

Fry: Eh. She’s smart.

Bender (SOTTO): Enough……

When Leela has finally gathered up herself and stopped crying, the PES is already starting the engine.

Leela: No wait! Stop!

She runs in front of the ship waving her arms.

Bender (looking out the front screen): I think we’d better let her on *sigh*.

Leela: What the hell do you think you’re doing driving away from me like that? I was having an emotional rough spot.

Bender and Fry give each other the look that means “women”.

CUT TO PE lounge 1 week later: Fry and Bender are drinking and laughing at “The Scary Door”.

Hermes (loudspeaker VO): All crew are to report to the conference room. NOW!

Fry/Bender (slowly easing themselves up): Aww……

Hermes (loudspeaker VO): Except Fry and Bender.

Fry/Bender (settling down again): Yeah!

Bender: They are finally showing some respect to their more senior members (by senior he means, like, higher ranking).

CUT TO PE conference room: All the crew is there minus Fry and Bender (yes Amy is too).

Hermes: Now I think you have all noticed Fry’s HUGE improvement at PE……

All minus Leela: Oh yes……

Leela: What?! Really?

Hermes: Yes really. I have come to a decision, as being de beurocrat of PE, dat Fry should be promoted to Captain. All in favour?

All minus Leela: Aye.

Hermes: All opposed?

Leela (trying to make her voice sound different): Nay!

Hermes: So it’s settled! Fry is de new Captain!

Leela: What about me?

Hermes: Oh you’ll be in charge of deliveries…… Right your all dismissed. Oh Leela could you send Fry in?

On the way out Leela hears Amy enthusiastically saying……

Amy: I hope Fry has time to chauffeur Kif and I to our wedding next month!

It seems that she likes the idea of getting married!

CUT TO PE lounge: Fry and Bender doing the same as before.

Leela (on the edge of tears): Fry your to see Hermes.

Bender: Can I come too?

Fry: Don’t see why not.

They leave. Camera does a shot of Leela’s face close up. Her bottom lip is wobbling dangerously.

CUT TO Leela’s apartment: It is night. Her hand is hovering over the video phone.

Leela (cracking): I can’t do it. I can’t phone my co worker. I can’t phone my friend. Why? Because I’m scared of him. Turanga you’re a coward.

CUT TO pervious scene: Fry is also contemplating phoning someone. Although it isn’t Leela.

Fry: *sigh* I’ll do it. I’ll phone her. He dials a number. Leela answers.

Whoops! My mistake.

[Click]

Fry: - hey! She hung up on me! Eh, she doesn’t want to talk to me.

He goes to bed.

CUT TO previous scene: Leela has phoned Amy. She has explained how she felt about Fry after he told her this:
“Oh don’t worry Leela, I’ve learnt my lesson about asking you out. Trust me it’ll never happen again. Let’s just forget the whole Fry likes Leela thing ever happened and move on in life, It’s been nothing but a disappointment to me and…… Well it’s been disappointing to me.” And stole her job.

Amy (trying to suppress laughter): So you mean you’re scared of Fry? Fry!

Leela: Yes thank-you Amy we’ve confirmed that……

Amy: Sorry. But, uh…… Why are you telling me? I can’t do anything. I maybe rich but I don’t control the world.

Leela (SOTTO): No matter how much you want to……

Amy (annoyed): Look, Kiffy and I have plans so if you don’t mind……

Leela: No! Please don’t hang up!

Amy: Just talk to him.

[Click]

Leela: Fine. I can do it.


Fry (unsteady/tired): He-hello? Leela?

Leela: Fry I need you round here now.
[Click]
 
CUT TO Leela’s apartment later: Fry arrives.

Leela (OS): Come in to the bedroom!

Fry walks past the blah room with only blank white wall, a T.V. and a couch and into the bedroom where Leela is sitting on the bed. She beckons for him to sit next to her. He does.

Leela: I know you you’ve made up your mind about you moving on but I want you to think about this, hard.

She kisses him. For a moment he looks relaxed and inclined to stay there, but then realising what she is trying to do (with his awesome new brain power! Da, da!)  he pulls away.

EDIT: Fry: So this is what i'm here for? Don't you get it? I'm over you!

He runs from the room.

Leela's mind: Crud....
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #1 on: 04-16-2006 00:13 »

moving on.......
when you've finished reading it, would you mind givinga comment? Just to varify if i've done good, also so i can post the next one (knowing that people are reading it!).
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #2 on: 04-16-2006 00:55 »

Right. You've forced me away!
Even if i do get 2 comments (even though i'm not gunna be here, if you want more tomorrow, post all the same) i won't be back till tomorrow.
agent69

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #3 on: 04-16-2006 01:38 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 01:38 »

Thats really good. SOTTO: is your real name Zoe? I ask cause I know a girl like you thats name is Zoe. (is it okay if I use your words?)
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #4 on: 04-16-2006 01:44 »

i don't care. i took SOTTO  off some other Fan Fic from CGEF.
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #5 on: 04-16-2006 01:46 »

and no, my name isn't Zoe.
Why do you care?
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #6 on: 04-16-2006 01:48 »

actually don't answer.
agent69

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #7 on: 04-16-2006 01:54 »

Its just that you remind me of (not in a bad way) thats all. Sorry about that. May you be bessed with the luck of all the people of the world and the beauty of a thosand godesses.
agent69

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #8 on: 04-16-2006 01:55 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 01:55 »

hello
Officer 1BDI

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #9 on: 04-16-2006 02:29 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 02:29 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Amy101001:
i don't care. i took SOTTO  off some other Fan Fic from CGEF.

Heheh, I took "SOTTO" off of someone's Simpson fanfic (I think it was Graham Dawson who gave me the idea); I mean, it's a standard screenwriting abbreviation, but I wouldn't have known about it at the time had I not read those stories.

Agent, the forums really aren't a place to ask for specific, personal information, because it clogs up the threads with off-topic posts.   smile

I skimmed through your script (I'm supposed to be studying; bad me).  You're off to a nice start, Amy, but there's a few things you should keep in mind for the next few chapters:

* You seem to jump around a lot in your story.  I'm not talking about abrupt scene changes so much as I mean character opinions.  Amy Wong, for instance, seems reluctant to be back with Kif once the pill wears off, yet not long after, she's worried that Fry won't be able to participate in their wedding (as though she's actually looking forward to the date).  Another example of this is at the very end: Fry mentions having a horrible childhood (which I'd beg to differ, but that's an argument for another thread), then seems really depressed by the idea that his family is gone.
* Kif's last name is actually spelled "Kroker."
* There's a lot of author's notes scattered within the text, and they really should be reserved for either the beginning or the end of each chapter so that they don't distract the reader from the story.
* I'm guilty of this myself, so I'm not really one to talk, but you might want to cut down on the "..." you use.  The script would look more, erm, "clean" if you ended more sentences with simple periods.

I hope that helps.   smile
agent69

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #10 on: 04-16-2006 02:35 »

Thanks Officer 1DBI. Its just she seems familar. And Amy101001 can I email you?
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #11 on: 04-16-2006 03:21 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 03:21 »

yo i'm back! i had to leave.
thankies Officer 1BDI. i know i use the '......' alot but that's beacuse they NEED TO BE USED. But in the next 2 i'll try to cut down on them.
my stories are jumpy. i like to bounce myself. in my room infront of my computer  i sit on an excersise ball. and Amy was not so keen on the wedding at first, but she grew used to the fact that she would have to go on. Plus she knew she loved Kif so she may aswell have dumped him if nothing changes (BORING).
*sulky* it's not my fault i didn'y know how to spell Kif's last name....
Wouldn't YOU be sad, even if you had a bad childhood, if your family died and you were in a world with crazy people?

I like explaining! Once again TY Officer 1BDI.
Hey this means i can post the next series!!
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #12 on: 04-16-2006 03:23 »

first i'll need to make some ajustments though....
(The dots HAD TO BE USED!!!!)
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #13 on: 04-16-2006 03:25 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 03:25 »

opps i missed something: Authors notes are my way of "narrating or personalising" the story. so i can prove that i didn't just copy it out of another website
agent69

Bending Unit
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« Reply #14 on: 04-16-2006 03:29 »

So Amy can I email you? And if you don't mind what part of Australia do you live in? Don't say anything Officer 1DBI I already know.
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
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« Reply #15 on: 04-16-2006 03:31 »

i'm talking to myself aren't i?
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
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« Reply #16 on: 04-16-2006 03:33 »

oh yes, cool didn't see you there when i said the above ^
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #17 on: 04-16-2006 03:41 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 03:41 »

I don't think i'll show that info to th world for too long.

But seriously Agent69, can you SHUT UP with the is your name- where do you live- question? They're really getting on my nerves
agent69

Bending Unit
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« Reply #18 on: 04-16-2006 03:48 »

Sorry the Name comes from a joke a made up a while ago. I had comic for it too. Sory about trouble I just whant to get to know you.
H. G. Blob

Professor
*
« Reply #19 on: 04-16-2006 03:51 »

Whoa. I'm not reading that crap. Someone summarise it in one word.
agent69

Bending Unit
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« Reply #20 on: 04-16-2006 03:54 »

Word to the wise (I hope) get out as fast as you can. Me I'm still stuck in this conversation. And Amy101001 you are not talking to your self I'm still here.
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #21 on: 04-16-2006 03:57 »

summarise it in one word ah?

EXCELLENT!
agent69

Bending Unit
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« Reply #22 on: 04-16-2006 03:59 »

Yeah. Thats ture but just take some time to relax Amy101001. Its just you seem a bit tense thats all.
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #23 on: 04-16-2006 03:59 »

how was that?
but seeing you haven't read it, you wouldn't know any better.... heh heh heh.
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #24 on: 04-16-2006 04:00 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by agent69:
Yeah. Thats ture but just take some time to relax Amy101001. Its just you seem a bit tense thats all.

And what do you mean by that?

<----<<< An arrow through my heart >>>---->
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
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« Reply #25 on: 04-16-2006 04:03 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by agent69:
Word to the wise (I hope) get out as fast as you can. Me I'm still stuck in this conversation. And Amy101001 you are not talking to your self I'm still here.

Also what do you mean your stuck? You can leave any time!

<----<<< An arrow through my heart >>>---->
agent69

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #26 on: 04-16-2006 04:03 »

Nothing!! You just need to relax and enjoy life. Don't watse the time you have now on argueing with some guy that likes your personality.
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
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« Reply #27 on: 04-16-2006 04:07 »

ugh.....
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
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« Reply #28 on: 04-16-2006 04:09 »

Fine. But please anyone who comes on the thread, can we keep it clean? I don't want to banned, and i'm sure none of you do either.
agent69

Bending Unit
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« Reply #29 on: 04-16-2006 04:10 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 04:10 »

Okay
agent69

Bending Unit
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« Reply #30 on: 04-16-2006 07:36 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Amy101001:
 Also what do you mean your stuck? You can leave any time!


I mean you be all alone if I wasn't here talking to you.

If you smile the world will smile with you but if you fart you will stand alone.
fryismyhero

Bending Unit
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« Reply #31 on: 04-16-2006 08:40 »

 
Quote
i know i use the '......' alot but that's beacuse they NEED TO BE USED. But in the next 2 i'll try to cut down on them.
my stories are jumpy. i like to bounce myself. in my room infront of my computer i sit on an excersise ball. and Amy was not so keen on the wedding at first, but she grew used to the fact that she would have to go on. Plus she knew she loved Kif so she may aswell have dumped him if nothing changes (BORING).
*sulky* it's not my fault i didn'y know how to spell Kif's last name....
Wouldn't YOU be sad, even if you had a bad childhood, if your family died and you were in a world with crazy people?

If you wanted constructive criticism, why did you have a go at the person who gave it to you??  That in itself has made me not want to read your fic.


Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
Corvus

Bending Unit
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« Reply #32 on: 04-16-2006 08:51 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by fryismyhero:
 If you wanted constructive criticism, why did you have a go at the person who gave it to you??  That in itself has made me not want to read your fic.

I second that... If you post something here people (PEELers) are bound to have an opinion about it.

Also, people, please use instead of double and triple posting.


"Finding your true love is like winning the lottery, it always happens to someone else."
agent69

Bending Unit
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« Reply #33 on: 04-16-2006 09:33 »

Why, whats wrong with double or tripple posting?
TriggerHappyJim

Professor
*
« Reply #34 on: 04-16-2006 09:38 »

Please read the FAQ.
Corvus

Bending Unit
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« Reply #35 on: 04-16-2006 09:38 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by agent69:
Why, whats wrong with double or tripple posting?

This is why

"Finding your true love is like winning the lottery, it always happens to someone else."
agent69

Bending Unit
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« Reply #36 on: 04-16-2006 09:44 »

Whatever.
Officer 1BDI

Starship Captain
****
« Reply #37 on: 04-16-2006 12:54 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 12:54 »

...

Everyone else has beaten the spam issue to death, so I'll just move on then.

 
Quote
Originally posted by Amy101001:
yo i'm back! i had to leave.
thankies Officer 1BDI. i know i use the '......' alot but that's beacuse they NEED TO BE USED. But in the next 2 i'll try to cut down on them.

It's good that you're going to try and use them more sparingly.  I understand that you have to use them at some points, though.  If you're just looking to add a beat of silence between sentences, you might want to try using (PAUSE) or (A BEAT) between the two phrases instead of "...".

 
Quote
and Amy was not so keen on the wedding at first, but she grew used to the fact that she would have to go on. Plus she knew she loved Kif so she may aswell have dumped him if nothing changes (BORING).

That's fine, but you might want to add a few lines into the first segment (or even bring it up in your next part) to explain that.

 
Quote
*sulky* it's not my fault i didn'y know how to spell Kif's last name....

I wasn't saying it was your fault.   frown  You mentioned in an A/N that you only thought that's how "Kroker" was spelled, so I gave you the proper spelling to save you some research.

That said, it's a good idea to go through episode transcripts to find the proper spelling for a character's name. The Leela Zone/The Futurama Madhouse has all 72 scripts.

 
Quote
Wouldn't YOU be sad, even if you had a bad childhood, if your family died and you were in a world with crazy people?

Well, I wouldn't be especially sad if they'd treated me like crap. :P  I agree that Fry should be sad for what he's left behind, but I think it's a bit contradictary for Fry to complain about his past 30 seconds prior to admitting he misses it.  You just might want to build up to it a bit more.

You are, of course, free to ignore any suggestion I offer.  This is your story, after all, not mine.   smile  I was just offering suggestions that I thought might make the story easier to read.

Edit: Woo!  Bending unit!
agent69

Bending Unit
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« Reply #38 on: 04-16-2006 19:45 »

So this thing dosn't end I'll stay on topic. Great story if only a few mistakes. Recheck them before posting Amy101001.
Amy101001

Delivery Boy
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« Reply #39 on: 04-16-2006 21:58 »
« Last Edit on: 04-16-2006 21:58 »

hey Officer 1BDI sorry if i sounded like i was critciszing you, it's just that i was explaining why i did these things, i thank you for the help and i'm using your suggestions to improve the second and third part!
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