a noob's first attempt at literature

[Reply #80 on:]

Zoidy my friend, er... you realise you have a knife in your head? You want me to try and pull it out or should I just leave it? (it does look kinda cool, though. I might get one.)

solylentO, keep it up buddy, another fine update. My only nitpick is the same as Ralph's - a day and a half is a while to go without food and certainly without a toilet, unless Bender's flush works.

[Reply #81 on:]

a day and a half isnt that long.  It wouldnt be comfortable, but thats kinda the idea.  As far as toilets, heh, well just use your imaginations :-)

[Reply #82 on:]

Yeah, if you're crammed in a box, you're more likely to get dehydrated, because it's hot in there, and you'd sweat any fluids you had in you.. and yes I'm aware there's a knife in my avatar's head. Leave it in, or else you'll make things worse 

[Reply #83 on:]

Part 3
Chapter, uhh, 2?

It was dark in the warehouse, as there were no windows and the door was shut.   Nothing had moved or made a sound in hours.  Now was the time to act.  Bender pushed upward with all of his might.  The crate’s lid flew twenty feet in the air and landed ten feet away with a clang.  The three stowaways were out and running before any would-be assailant could have a chance to react.

Fry paused behind the cover of a pile of boxes.  The sounds from their escape faded into echoes.  The building was utterly quiet;  no one had detected them.  With alarm, the delivery boy discovered that his legs were shaking like twigs in an earthquake.  It was no wonder either, as the poor man had not had a bite to eat in just under two days.  Even worse was the lack of water, which was verging on becoming dangerous before Bender accidentally provided a solution by letting his human companions see him drinking one of his beers.  Fry and Leela were so desperate for sustenance that they had threatened Bender with death unless he shared his booze stash.  It had taken quite a demonstration of pain by a certain starving cyclops to get the robot to cooperate.   

The delivery boy heard a whisper in the darkness “Psst.  Fry.  Where are you?”

Fry tried to respond as quietly as possible, but it still seemed painfully loud in the silent building.  “Over here Leela.”  the delivery boy waved.  Leela caught the movement and vectored in on him.

 “did you see anybody?”, asked a Leela shaped silhouette

“Nope.  You?”

“No.”

 “Relax chumps, there’s nobody home.”  Fry and Leela jumped halfway out of their clothes.  Bender had suddenly congealed out of the darkness to Fry’s right.

Leela motioned for the robot to quiet down. “Shut up you idiot, she whispered through clenched teeth,  “How do you know?”

Bender rolled his eyes and then pointed at them. “Umm hello?  Infrared eyes?”

“Ohh… right…”  Leela blinked.  “Ok then Mr.  Im-So-Superior-To-Everyone, use those eyes of yours to find a door.  We shouldn’t stay here any longer than we have to.”

“Alright fine, but if we come across any cats in this spooky place, its every man for himself.”  That got an odd look from Fry and Leela, but they both decided it would be better not to inquire. 

Bender sauntered off into the inky blackness followed by Fry, and then by Leela.  The robot had no trouble seeing in the dark, but the two humans had to whisper to each other now and then to keep track of each other.  Fry lost Bender entirely on two occasions, but the manbot always came back to collect him.  It was fairly obvious that Bender didn’t want to be alone in this place in the dark, a fact that clashed with everything Fry knew about his roommate.  The delivery boy again wondered what a cat could have possibly done to have this affect on the robot.

Bender eventually found the door.  The crew was relieved to find that the locking mechanism, a simple deadbolt, was on their side of the door and would not need to be forced.  The last thing they wanted was to leave evidence of someone trying to escape the warehouse.  Leela was pretty sure Ivan would fill in the blanks and be on the stowaways’ tails immediately. 

Bender ducked his head out the door.  A quick scan of the surroundings yielded a quiet street corner.  Even though it was ostensibly the middle of the night, the monstrous planet hanging in the night sky yielded enough light to see by.  It probably never got darker on than Earth sunset on this side of the planet.  The robot signaled all clear to his fellows.  Fry, Leela, and Bender dashed out of the warehouse and took off down the street.  They wanted to be as far from the scene as possible just in case they had been spotted. 

Leela came to a halt after about a quarter mile and waited for her fellows to catch up.  There had been no shouts, no signs of pursuit whatsoever. 

Fry came to a stop next to his captain and leaned on a handy light pole.  “We… made… it!”

“Yeah!  That’ll show that jerk Ivan,” agreed Bender.  He and Fry gave each other a high-five, but Leela still looked worried.  The cyclops gestured to her companions to keep walking.  “Now hold on you two,” she warned, “this isn’t over yet.  We’re still stuck on some alien dirtball in the middle of who-knows-where with no way to get home.  Also, a crazed lunatic has hold of almost every explosive thing the professor ever made.”

Reality suddenly crashed down on the two celebrating men.  Fry was the first to speak.  “Oh yeah....  Hey I have an idea, why don’t we go back to the warehouse and smash all of stuff in the crates?  Then Ivan cant sell them to anybody”

Leela sighed.  “I already thought of that.  Amy’s the only one that knows how Farnsworth’s things work.  If we go in there and bash them up they might explode.  I guess I probably should have taken that into account before I sent Amy home…”

------

“But the professor knows!  Why don’t we just find a phone somewhere and call him?”

“And blow our cover when Ivan’s picks up the transmission?  Don’t be stupid Fry.”

Fry was confused. “Why would Ivan be listening?  It’s not like he knows we’re here.”

“We’re not the only threat to him Fry.  We probably rank somewhere in the ‘minor nuisance that can be squashed under a bootheel whenever the hell I feel like it’ range.  Ivan will be listening in on every phone call that he can pick up, just in case someone else is plotting something against him.  If my hunch that this planet is Ivan’s home base is true, then I’m sure that every satellite flying overhead has been bugged.”

“So you’re saying that Ivan’s got some guy sitting around listening to a million phone calls all at the same time?   Yeah, Riiiight…”  The delivery boy rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be stupid Fry.  Its easy to build a computer program that listens in to a bunch of conversations at once and picks out key words and phone numbers.  The FBI could even do it back in the stupid ages, uhh, I mean back in the 20th century.  Trust me, if I call the professor, Ivan will know about it.”

“Then call Hermes, or Amy, or your parents.  Its not like Ivan would know their phone numbers or their names.”

“Yeah, and a phone call to Earth from the planet Ivan is currently on, plus someone saying ‘Hi Leela’, is gonna start a little red light blinking on somebody’s desk.  We might not be that big a threat, but Ivan’s still going to be watching out for us.”

-------

“Oh…”  The delivery boy scratched his head.  “uhh then should we tell the cops?”

That got a forceful shake of the head from Leela.  “No.  no cops.  For all we know, this whole planet could belong to Ivan.  The police might work for him”

 “Well why don’t we just steal them?”  Of course that would be Bender’s input.

“Hey, yeah!”, exclaimed Fry.  “But, how?  The boxes are too heavy to carry, and we’d need some sort of giant pickup truck to hold them all.”

 “Sheesh, what part of ‘Bender is a robot’ are you not getting?  I’ve got superhuman strength.“  Bender walked over to the curb and picked up a parked hovercar, managing to get it over his head.

Leela thought about the idea for a moment, and couldn’t come up with any particular flaw in it. “Hmm, you know, that could actually work.  All we have to do is find a hovertruck that will carry everything.” The cyclops paused as something dawned on her.  “But wait a minute, how are we going to get the doomsday devices off this planet?  We don’t have a ship.”

Fry shrugged.  “So?  The whole point was to get the professor’s stuff away from Earth so he wouldn’t have to pay taxes on it, right?  Maybe we can find a place on this planet to hide it.”

 “All we need to do,” added Bender, “is find someplace dirty and uninhabitable where no one will find it, you know, like New Jersey”

“It must,” reasoned the cyclops.  “Where else would it dump its trash?  Anyway, the important thing is we have a plan.”

“But what do we do now?  Walking the streets isn’t helping much”  Fry neglected to add that he was about five minutes from collapse.  His body was tired of long days of abuse, and was currently engaged in an all out rebellion against him.

Luckily, Fry was not the only one to feel this way. Leela gave a loud yawn and said: “Its too late to worry about doing anything tonight.  Lets get some food and some rest;  We’ll worry about this in the morning.”

There was no complaint.

_____________________________ _____________________________ ______________

Fry woke up the next morning to the discovery that he couldn’t move.  The three friends had rented a motel room for the night.  Unfortunately the only one they could find had two beds; a number, Bender explained to Fry, that is one less than the number of people that needed to sleep in the room.  The delivery boy had been forced to share a bed with Bender, but had been forced onto the floor within half an hour.  The hard concrete surface combined with the aftereffects of two days in a tiny little box were enough to send his muscles into all out revolt.  They screamed their hatred at him as he slowly tried to sit up.  This feat accomplished, he proceeded to attempt standing, but immediately fell back onto his ass with a wince of pain.  Better to wait a minute, he thought.

Leela emerged from the motel room’s tiny bathroom a moment later.  “Sleep well?”, she asked.  “Umm, yeah I guess so”, lied Fry.  He didn’t want to seem like a wuss in front of his captain.  Leela walked to his side and looked down at him.  “Uh-huh.  Sure you did.  That’s why your back looks like a pretzel.”  She bent down and placed one hand on each of his shoulders.  “What are…” the delivery boy began, but his words were cut off.  Something happened involving Leela’s hands, Fry’s spine, and a loud resounding ‘Crack!’.  “Better?” asked the cyclops.  Fry once again experimented with standing, leaning on Leela for support.  He was amazed to find that all of the pain was gone. “Wow, thanks Leela.  That’s much better.”  “No problem”, his friend laughed.

Bender sauntered into the room just in time to miss everything that had just transpired, but early enough to still see Fry’s arm around Leela’s waist.  “Hello, what’s this?”  he asked

Leela pushed Fry’s arm away as fast as possible.  “Umm nothing,” she insisted,  “Nothing at all.”

“Suuure.  But then again, its doesn’t concern me, Bender.”  The robot didn’t buy it.  He had watched from the beginning as the relationship between Leela and Fry blossomed, and knew there was much more there than either human admitted to him.  Besides, it was much more fun to assume scandal. 

Fry tried to change the subject. “So, uhh, what have you been up to Bender?”

The tactic worked.  With the center of attention now placed on himself, the robot completely forgot about the embarrassing moment he had just witnessed.

“Well, I figured we’d need some money, so I went out and got us all jobs”

 “WHAT?!”, Fry and Leela exclaimed in unison.

 “Heh-heh, just kidding.  I did get us some money though.”

The robot reached into his chest cabinet and pulled out a wad of cash.  Neither human wanted to question where Bender had gotten that much dough that fast.  It would be safer to just take it and not think twice.

“Oh,” continued the robot, “and I found a nice rental place where we can get a hovertruck.”

Leela couldn’t believe how helpful the robot was being.  The idea that he had gone out to look for a rental place all of his own accord just didn’t sit right with the woman. “And then to offer us money…”,  Leela pondered.  “That’s got to be a first.  Usually he’s stealing it from us.  He must be trying to get on my good side, just in case I’m still pissed enough to carry out some of those threats from when we were stuck in the crate.”  Whatever the reason, she was grateful for the help.

“Alright then.”  The PE captain stood up.  She had made a plan, and now it was time to carry it out.  “Good job Bender.  We can use some of the money you, uhh, ‘procured’ to rent a truck.”

 “Oh, you want to PAY for the truck?”  The robot was genuinely surprised.  It had never occurred to him that anyone would suggest that.  What could possibly be the reason?  He shrugged.  “Uhh, I guess that works too.”

“Yes we’re going to pay for it!  I refuse to be part of any stealing“  Leela’s eye couldn’t help but dart to the wad of cash that still resided in Bender’s hand, “… that I can’t pretend didn’t happen”

Bender blew a raspberry.  “Sheesh, calm down chump.  Its not like we’d really be stealing it anyway.  We’d leave it on the side of the road when we were done with it.  There’s a chance the owners would find it.”

“Hey wait a minute.”  Fry had been listening intently to the exchange of words between his captain and his roommate, and thought he saw a flaw in what Leela and Bender were planning.  Usually when this happened it turned out that Fry simply was too dumb to understand some nuance, and Leela always let him know in a condescending voice.  Thus, it had taken this long for him to build up the courage to speak up.  “Are we talking about doing this now?  Wont there be people around to stop us?  I don’t think Ivan is just going to let us barge in and walk away with all of those crates while he just stands there.”  The delivery boy was relieved when Leela didn’t roll her eye.

“Of course not.”  The cyclops’ eye narrowed in advance of the coming scheme.  “That’s why we’re going to break in tonight.”

The rest of the day was spent in preparation.  Fry was worried about the possibility that the weapons would be gone by the time that he and his friends were ready to retrieve them.  Leela couldn’t prove to herself that the delivery boy didn’t have a point, so she sent him off to watch over the warehouse.  If any trouble were to arise, he could contact Leela and Bender with the small wrist communicator they had bought for him in one of the many shops lining the city streets.  Leela could then pick up any transmissions that the delivery boy sent on her own wrist com while she and Bender were elsewhere.

Leela and Bender had no trouble procuring a hover-truck.  The man behind the service counter was a little leery of renting to someone with one eye, and at one point Bender almost had to step in and volunteer to be classified as the driver.  Before he had a chance, however, the man made a comment about cyclops drivers being worse than female drivers.  Leela made a disgusted sound and slapped the man’s glasses off of his face.  The man bent over to pick up his shattered lenses.  “Well, I guess that proves you have depth perception.  You can drive.”  Several minutes later, Leela and her robotic companion were out the door.  “You meant to knock that guy’s head off didn’t you?”  asked Bender.  Leela nodded.

There really wasn’t much else to be done until nightfall.  Leela guessed that left another eight hours until dark, based on how fast the planet’s star was moving though the sky.  Whatever planet they were on had much the same rotational period as Earth. 

The cyclops and the robot spent the remainder of the day wandering though the city.  Leela now sported a pair of sunglasses and a blernsball cap.  Purple-haired cyclopes are not exactly a very common sight;  Disguise was a must.

It was really very relaxing for the PE captain to finally get a chance to not be in charge.  Events would work themselves out when the time was right, but for now Leela could pretend that she was simply on vacation on another world.  She planned to waste some time, view a couple of tourist attractions, and not think about anything else for awhile.  The only thing she hoped to accomplish before nightfall was finding out the name of the planet they were on.  That way they could contact their friends back on Earth, and tell them where to find the three lost members of their crew.  Suddenly thoughts of her coworkers flooded through the cyclops’ mind.  Leela had not had much of a chance to think about anyone but herself, Fry, and Bender since being marooned on this stupid dirt ball.  “For all I know, Amy and Nibbler are dead.”  She though miserably to herself.  A solitary tear trickled down her left cheek.  But no, now was not the time.  There was absolutely nothing that she could do for Amy or her pet -oh and Zoidberg too- right now. 
   “My responsibility is to the two friends are right here with me”, she said to herself.  Not for the first time it occurred to her how lucky she was to have such friends.  Leela knew that Bender had come along mainly because Fry had, but Fry had come simply because Leela had asked him too.  No, that wasn’t quite it, the PE captain realized.  Fry would have come even if Leela had forbidden it.  “He’s always watching out for me, and I’m so cold to him.”   Some massive, unnamable emotion moved deep inside the woman.  For the briefest of moments the barriers that Leela had put up over the years to keep her emotions at bay came crashing down, exposing her true feelings to her conscious mind.  The stunned woman had only a moment to interpret this new part of herself before it was yanked away from her again, but that moment had been enough. Leela suddenly discovered she was crying

[Reply #84 on:]

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

[Reply #85 on:]

^squared

[Reply #86 on:]

Nice!

Keep it up!!!

[Reply #87 on:]

 

"All we need to do,” added Bender, “is find someplace dirty and uninhabitable where no one will find it, you know, like New Jersey”

Yes!  Eat it, Joisey!

 

“Yes we’re going to pay for it! I refuse to be part of any stealing“ Leela’s eyes couldn’t help but dart to the wad of cash that still resided in Bender’s hand

How many eyes?

It gets a little shippy near the end, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, so I trust you know what you're doing.

A good update all-around.

[Reply #88 on:]

Rock on! Sappiness is getting you somewhere, not at all like in anything else I read where I get nowhere! I give it an A- obviously for spelling errors 

[Reply #89 on:]

Yay! Great update, especially loved the last bit. Of course. 

[Reply #90 on:]

You know, I've started writing a story myself. You've given me ideas with your great writing skills.... Of course it has me in it 

[Reply #91 on:]

Part 3
Chapter 3

Meanwhile, near a certain downtown warehouse, a certain Phillip J. Fry awoke with a start.  He had been watching the building for hours now with nothing to report.  There had been some activity, but not much.  Wiping the sleep from his eyes Fry peered out of his hiding spot in a dumpster across the street.  The warehouse door stood open.  The entire building had been emptied while Fry was dozing off.  Crying out in alarm, Fry reached for the communicator and jammed in Leela’s number.  The captain’s face appeared on screen after just two rings. 

 “Leela!  The warehouse, its empty!”

 It took a moment for Leela to comprehend what her friend was saying.  Her mind had been far off in a distant place and was having trouble switching tracks.  “What, what do you… oh ok….  Wait, WHAT?!” Reality crashed home.

“I know, I know.  I’m really sorry Leela.  I fell asleep, and when I woke up everything was gone.” 

Leela practically exploded.  “You fell asleep?!  You idiot!  How could you let that happen?! You had one job!  One!  Cant I trust you to do anything?!” 

Fry felt like he had been slapped.  He’d never seen Leela act this way after he screwed up, and he screwed up often

 “Wait, hold on, that’s not fair.”  The delivery boy tried in vain to defend himself.  “I was the one that suggested we watch the warehouse anyway.  If I hadn’t said anything, we wouldn’t even know the crates were gone until we tried to steal them tonight.” 

Bender’s disembodied voice came over the communicator.  “Yeah, come on Leela.  Fry screws up all the time.  What are you so upset about?”

Leela’s face took on a haggard look.  She knew she couldn’t explain it to them.

The cyclops let out a sigh.  It almost seemed to Fry that she was shrinking in on herself.  After a few moments of quiet, Leela spoke up again.  “I- I’m sorry Fry.  I didn’t mean that.  Its just, I’m just under so much stress, and nothing has been working out right, and you’re all counting on me to fix this and…” [sigh]  I guess the important thing is that we’re all still ok.  How long were you asleep Fry?”

“I dunno, maybe an hour.”

“Alright, then we might still have a chance.  Fry?  Hail a cab and meet us at the spaceport.  Bender and I saw it while we were walking around today.  It’s the only place anywhere near here that you could park a spaceship, so that’s where Ivan will be.  That is, if he hasn’t left already.

The spaceport was a sprawling mass of low lying buildings and concrete runways.  The only thing that kept Fry from thinking he had returned to the 20th century and ended up at LaGuardia International Airport was, of course, the lack of jumbo jet aircraft.  Instead, house sized vehicles of every shape and description flew overhead.  Fry could see the Earthican flag emblazoned on the wings of some of the larger spacecraft.

It took the three friends no time at all to find Ivan’s ship.  The distinctive stingray shape stood out starkly against the other ships, which were mainly of the traditional Roy-Rogers design. 

 “Well, Its still here.”  Fry had a profound ability to state the obvious.

“Yeah,” remarked Bender, “but so what?  The crates aren’t”

And they weren’t.  From their position on the tarmac, Fry, Leela, and Bender could see into the ship’s hold.  It was completely empty.  Fry walked a dozen paces over to a tall spaceport employee, Neptunian by the looks of him, who was busy sorting luggage.

“Umm, excuse me”, said the redhead.  The alien grunted and continued his sorting.  Fry continued anyway: “Do you know, is that ship over there supposed to take off today?”  Sensing that this stranger was not going to go away, the Neptunian looked up at the delivery boy and asked  “What ship?”   Fry pointed.  The purple alien’s demeanor changed immediately.  He stood up straight, and crossed his arms. all four of them. 

“That’s Ivan’s ship.  What business do you have with it?”  Leela jumped into the conversation before Fry could give anything away.  “We’re, uhh, acquaintances of Ivan’s.  His ship was carrying some cargo that we’re interested in, but we noticed that its gone.  Do you know what happened to it?”  The cyclops hoped she sounded less suspicious than she felt.  The Neptunian’s eyes narrowed.  “Are you friends of Ivan’s?”  Leela had to think that one over.  Something told her that to give the wrong answer would be very, very bad.  She looked long and hard at the alien standing not five feet away, hoping for a clue.  Nothing.  “Oh well,” she thought, “if I say the wrong thing I can always beat him up later.”

The PE captain decided to tell the truth.  It was easier than making up some complicated lie.  “No, we aren’t his friends.  He stole out cargo, wrecked ours ship, and tried to kill us, and we plan on making him pay for it.”  Fry and Bender looked at their captain.  They hadn’t expected this.

The Neptunian looked at Leela for a long time.  His gaze bored into the cyclops like he could see directly into her soul.  It creeped the hell out of her.  Leela was just getting to the point where she was too uncomfortable to care whether the Neptunian could help her or not, and was mulling over various ways to beat the tar out of him, when the alien smiled.  “Alright, good enough.” He said.  “There’s something about you that says I can trust you.  The Neptunian looked around him quickly.  “Ok, I cant talk for long without raising suspicion but I’ll do my best.  The truth is, you picked the right person to talk to.  My name is Izar.  I’m part of the resistance group here on Talora”

“Talora?”  Leela thought for a moment to herself.  The name seemed familiar.

“That’s about a three day flight from Earth isn’t it?” she asked Izar.

The alien nodded.

“Wait a minute,” demanded Bender.  “You said you’re in a resistance group?  You’re fighting some sort of war?”
 
 “That’s right.  Ivan has started a campaign of blackmail and murder against our government.  Most of the ranking politicians are on his payroll now.  The police, secret service, and the military are all under his direct command.  It’s only a matter of time before he controls the entire planet”

Fry nudged his captain.  “Good call on not telling the cops about the professor’s stuff Leela.”

Izar raised an eyebrow.   “What stuff?”

The existence of the doomsday weapons could not be admitted at all costs.  Leela would have to give away just enough that Izar didn’t suspect that she was hiding something dangerous if she wanted Izar to trust her.  “Fry means the cargo that Ivan’s ship was carrying,” explained the PE captain.  “He stole it from us, and well… lets just say that having it fall into the wrong hands would be a very bad thing for everybody.  We have to get it back, but its not at the warehouse where we lat saw it, and it isn’t here.  Do you have any idea what could have happened to it?”

The alien looked pensive.  “I might.  When Ivan lands here he usually empties his ship into a warehouse as fast as he can.  The imports inspector is under Ivan’s sway, but Ivan doesn’t have quite enough power yet that the inspector can just neglect to search his ship at all.  Ivan usually gets two or three hours to clear his ship, but that’s it.  Once the stuff is in the warehouse, Ivan usually brings in a fleet of small aircraft to haul it to his compound.  I’d guess that’s where your cargo is.”

“Compound?” Fry asked nervously.  He suddenly did not like the direction that this particular conversation was turning.

“Its about three hundred miles due East of here.  If you want to get your things back, that’s where I’d go.” 

Leela cut right to the chase.  “Ok, so how do we get in?”

Izar laughed and shook his head.  “You don’t.  Ivan owns everything within 200 miles of his fortress, and he shoots down anything he doesn’t recognize once it enters his land.  You could probably make it to within fifty miles before you were detected if you went by ground car, but then you’d have to walk the rest of the way, through barren desert…”

Suddenly Leela was aware of two men in dark jackets and sunglasses standing some distance off.  They were currently attempting to look as inconspicuous as possible, and failing miserably.  The Neptunian began to fidget.

“We’d better leave before we cause you trouble,” said Leela.  Her tone became a little more urgent.   “One last question.  Would your resistance help us?  If we don’t get this cargo back, well, like I said, it could be really bad for everybody.”

Izar’s answer was firm.  “Im sorry, but no.  There aren’t enough of us yet to take any risks.  We can’t afford to be discovered until we can be sure that we have a chance of winning.  You have about two weeks before Ivan leaves Talora again, so if you do plan to do something, you’ll have to do it by then.”

Leela acknowledged the alien with a smile and a nod.  The cyclops found herself admiring this unexpected ally.  She was confident that he would one day prove a valuable asset to his people.  “I understand.  Thank you for helping us.” 

“Think nothing of it.  I hope to see you all again under better circumstances.”  Izar gave the PE captain a small salute, disguised as a scratch of the forehead so as to not interest the two men in suits.

The four conspirators did not want to draw any more attention, so Fry Leela, and Bender walked away without another word.  Fry wanted to shake this brave alien’s hand, but to do so might alert someone that there was more than an idle conversation taking place here.

Izar went back to his sorting, trying as hard as he could to be as nonchalant as possible.  The Neptunian finished his chore and headed to a nearby ship to fetch another load.  He disappeared into the cargo hold.  The two men in black jackets and sunglasses walked slowly over to the ship that the purple alien had just disappeared into.   Without a word they walked up the ramp and into the vessel’s cargo bay.  There was a flash.  The two men walked out again.

Men in suits had tailed Fry, Bender, and their captain from the spaceport.  It had only been by using the city’s pedestrian tube system that they had thrown the men off of their trail.  Over and over they jumped into the tubes at random.  It was actually the most fun Fry had had in weeks.  He loved the sensation as suction hurtled him through the clear plastic tubes, sending him twisting and diving over the urban landscape at breakneck speed.
When Leela was finally satisfied that there was no longer anyone following them, she gestured for her friends to follow her into a restaurant. 

It was early evening by this point, and the place was almost empty.  A green scaly creature was sitting at the bar staring dejectedly into a cold mug, and two signoids were standing by a pool table arguing over something, but the building was otherwise deserted.  Fry assumed there were employees somewhere in the back room.

The three main Planet Express crewmembers slid into a booth near the back of the room.  A small humanoid robot immediately appeared to take their order, and was gone. 

“So, “ Fry asked, “what are we going to do now?”

“I vote we go kick that Ivan guy’s ass,” Bender immediately responded.

Leela shook her head.  “We can’t!  From what Izar said, we won’t even be able to get near Ivan’s compound before we get blown to bits.”

“Well,” Fry tried again, “then what do you think we should do Leela?”

The cyclops exploded.  “I don’t know ok?!  We cant take back the professor’s things by force.  We cant get close enough to steal them.  There’s no one here that can help us.  What do you want me to do, pull some magic plan out of nowhere and save the day single-handedly?!”

Fry and his roommate exchanged glances.  That had been exactly what they were hoping Leela would do.  That’s what the cyclops always did.

There was silence around the table for the next few minutes while Fry, Leela, and Bender thought things over to themselves.  The same droid that placed their orders came by, dropped off some nondescript food, and vanished again.  Leela began absentmindedly picking at it with her fork.

In a bizarre twist, Fry was the one to come up with an idea.  “Hey wait a minute.  Didn’t Izar say we would be ok if we walked?”

Bender and Leela just stared at him.

Fry ignored the looks and continued.  “Why don’t we just walk to Ivan’s base?”

Leela sighed for the thousandth time since she had left Earth.  “Fry, the base is three hundred miles away.  We cant walk that far.”

The delivery boy shook his head.  His friend was missing the point.  “But we don’t have to walk that far.  We rented a truck right?  Izar said we could get within fifty miles if we took a car remember?  Why don’t we just drive the truck as far as it’ll go, and then just walk the rest of the way?”

Leela was unconvinced.  “That’s a nice idea Fry, but it still leaves us with a fifty mile walk, and we’re all out of shape.  It would take days to walk that far through rough desert like Izar was talking about.”

Fry nodded.  “Yep, your right, it probably will take days, but Izar said that Ivan won’t be leaving Talora for at least two weeks!”

That little bit of reasoning was enough to cause the starship captain to sit up straight in her chair.  “I… I forgot about that.  Geez Fry, you might actually have had a good idea!”.  Bender gasped in the background.  “If we start now we would have plenty of time to get to Ivan compound and kick his ass before he left.  This could actually work…”

“Eh-hmm,” said Bender in an attempt at mimicking a throat-clearing noise.  “I hate to ruin your parade, but how are you two meatbags going to live in the desert for a week?  Don’t you need food and water or something?”

Leela turned to look at the manbot.  “Your stomach closet thing is waterproof right Bender?”  the manbot cautiously nodded assent, not liking the direction this conversation was headed.  “If we filled you up with water, that would give Fry and me more than enough to drink.”

“Yeah, and Leela and I could get some backpacks and carry food and stuff.  It’ll be just like those days when I was in Webelos, before I was kicked out for eating firewood.”

Bender crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.  “Suurreee, make the robot carry sixty pounds of water that he doesn’t even need.  Do it yourself skinbags.  That is, do it yourself unless there’s something in it for me, Bender.”  The offended expression vanished from the robot’s face.  He didn’t really care about the weight; it was insignificant to him.  What really mattered was whether or not there was a profit to be gleaned.

The robot’s two companions each reached into there pockets with a grumble, and pulled out whatever money happened to be there.  Bender snatched it before the two humans could think twice.  It disappeared into his chest cabinet faster than the eye could follow.

[Reply #92 on:]

 

It’ll be just like those days when I was in Webelos, before I was kicked out for eating firewood.”

LOL! such a Fry thing to do.
more please!     

[Reply #93 on:]

Awesome. Why the hell did all the good fanfiction writers wait till a year or more after the show was cancelled to show up?

One nitpick, you had Leela say they were all out of shape. That's not true. Leela's about as much in shape as a person is physically capable of being without steroid help. She could make the trek with ease.

[Reply #94 on:]

 

Originally posted by Venus:
One nitpick, you had Leela say they were all out of shape. That's not true. Leela's about as much in shape as a person is physically capable of being without steroid help. She could make the trek with ease.

For a dedicated gym rat like Leela, she has not worked out in 3 days.  In her eye, that would make her out of shape (believe me, I know a thing or two about gym rats).

Also, she may have been saying that to not make Fry feel like the weakest link.

Just subposition on my part...

[Reply #95 on:]

Two updates in quick succession? Swish!

 

Some massive, unnamable emotion moved deep inside the woman. For the briefest of moments the barriers that Leela had put up over the years to keep her emotions at bay came crashing down, exposing her true feelings to her conscious mind.

Yey, shippiness!
*Dances, stops and looks kinda sheepish*

Your description of Talora was pretty vivid - I could see it all in my mind's eye; evidence of the success of how you write.

[Reply #96 on:]

Yay! Writing! And I liked how Fry was the one to come up with an idea.

Great work! 

[Reply #97 on:]

 

Originally posted by Ralph Snart:
 For a dedicated gym rat like Leela, she has not worked out in 3 days.  In her eye, that would make her out of shape (believe me, I know a thing or two about gym rats).

right, plus she spent 4 days before that sitting in a chair on board the ship.  I also kinda get the feeling that Leela would be one of those women that's too insecure with her body image to ever think she's in good shape. 

No more updates for a bit.  I'm on fall vacation!  (also known as the only 3 day weekend before christmas break)

thanks for the comments guys.  I wasnt sure how you'd like the whole 'trek through the desert' deal, but, as there arent any bounties being placed on my head, I shall continue with it. :-)

[Reply #98 on:]

Man you get vacation early... I hate you!!! Anyway, *swish* totally awesome story, hope you havea a good, sloid, and climactic ending planned.. 

[Reply #99 on:]

 

Originally posted by Ralph Snart:
Well Fatdude, let's see what you've got.

Contribute in some way - write us something or do some artwork and post it; we'll be fair and gentle in our assessments of your work.

Great work S.O., especially considering the fact that you put something together while midterms are going on.

I was just kidding of course.

and when I get near a scanner sometime, I'll post some artwork.

[Reply #100 on:]

Yay, I finally read everything!  Here’s a few comments.

Things I liked:

“I thought we could take ‘em,” complained the robot, “but Fry wouldn’t let me use Zoidberg as a shield”

“Bender get off my larynx,”

“The tactic worked. With the center of attention now placed on himself, the robot completely forgot about the embarrassing moment he had just witnessed.”

All excellent lines, you’ve got Bender pretty much down pat.

Drywall on the ship:  A hilarious idea; so much so that I think you could get away with elongating the mere mention into a full on joke.

Possible problems/issues:

Does Bender need to use a bed?

You refer to Talora as both a planet and a moon, and then confuse me with talk about night.  Does this moon spin?  How fast is it going around its planet?  Is ‘night’ caused by an eclipse?

I’m still a bit off put by 36 hours in a cramped box.  It would simply be traumatic for the humans.

New Jersey isn’t all bad   

Some light style critique:

Your style is starting to come through here in the last couple of parts; I’d call the Battle scene the real turning point in that facet.  Before that, you seems a bit confused at what literary direction you wanted to go in, and still (though far less often now) tend to jump styles.  ie: from detailed prose, to narrative prose, to imbedded dialogue prose, to self-standing dialogue and even to script for a line or two.  Some variance is definitely OK, and you’re gradually fixing the problem, so I’d only worry about this on rewrite. 

Similarly, be wary of switching homophones, glaring spelling errors, and forgetting important words in sentences.  I recommend finding a beta if you don’t have one (I’d have millions of errors per part if I didn’t have a beta)

In conclusion, the most important thing I can say is that you show lots of promise.  If you read my first story, it’s clunky and flighty as hell, and I'd like to think I’ve improved on that over time.  It just takes some experience.  You’ve got a great plot going, combining action, mystery, and emotion. Overall, I like it; please keep writing.

[Reply #101 on:]

thanks JBERGES for a very useful critique.  I have a couple of questions though.  What do u mean by does Bender need a bed?  Im not sure where that comes from (possibly because its the middle of the night and my brain is fried from physics homework).

I'm glad you brought the Talora confusion to my attention.  I'm a physics major, and sometimes I forget that things like how a moon would spin around a planet fall under the category of 'nobody has any reason to know that'.  The idea is that Talora is a moon because it orbits another planet, but its big enough to be a planet in its own right.  Talora is tidally locked to it's neighbor, so one side always faces the gas giant (which is why the giant never sets during the story).  Just like the Earth's moon, however, night and day come to every spot on the surface at one point or another.  Talora just happens to orbit/rotate around it's host planet in about 24 hours rather than 27.5 days.

Everyone seems to be a bit put off by the time in the box.  I'll have to rewrite that somehow.

Yeah, my style's all over the place isnt it?  This is the first thing Ive ever written that has made it over 12 pages.  Yeah.  I'm still experimenting with how I should write.  How do I get a beta? 

Oh, and Joisey can bite my shiny metal ass! :-D

[Reply #102 on:]

"Beta" is Nerdese for "Proofreader."  Just ask someone who seems to have their shit together and isn't already up to their eyeballs in work, school, fanfics, or any combination of the three...or, in the case of a Sadie Hawkins beta, they ask you!

[Reply #103 on:]

Part 3
Chapter 4

The three friends had wasted no time.  From the restaurant they had gone straight to a nearby mall to search for the few items that they needed.  They would be packing light; nothing more than food, water, a couple of tents, and a few odds and ends for cooking and personal hygiene.  It was then a simple matter of jumping in the truck they had rented for the day and heading out of the city.  When the vehicle ran out of gas, or could go no further, it would be left on the side of the road.  Leela tried not to think about her earlier unwillingness to do exactly that when Bender had suggested it back in the hotel.

The trip itself was an excellent chance for the PE crew to unwind.   They had been tense for so long that it was getting to the point that they couldn’t remember being any other way.  The simple pleasure of watching the scenery go by with the knowledge that no one was following you with murder on their minds was a nice change of pace. 

Leela drove while Fry watched the scenery from the other front seat.  There were only two seats in the hovertruck, so Bender rode in the bed of the vehicle.  He could talk to his friends through an open window in the back of the truck’s cab.

All signs of civilization vanished abruptly as soon as the truck passed the city’s outer perimeter.  On the left Fry could see an ocean, complete with sparkling white sandy beaches.  On his right was a range of impressive looking mountains.  The gas giant took up a significant fraction of the sky overhead.  Although it was at least 80 degrees Fahrenheit at sea level, some of the taller mountains still sparkled with freshly fallen snow.  Between the sea and the mountains the land was fairly temperate, and palm trees mingled with strange looking alien vegetation.  There were no roads.  Evidently  the Talorans didn’t come out this way very often.  The hovertruck could only hover a meter or so off the ground.  Leela had to spend an inordinate amount of time just trying to find an eastward route that didn’t result in getting the truck bottomed out on some stump or boulder.  It was quickly becoming apparent that this was going to be a long ride.

Clouds began building up overhead as the day wore on, and the gas giant hanging overhead disappeared from view..  By the time the three travelers were deep into the foothills, the sky was a depressing gray.  It started to rain, and Leela was suddenly glad that she had picked the truck with the closed in cab.   Eventually the lousy seeing conditions, combined with a setting sun, were more than Leela could handle.  After an especially loud yawn she pulled into a little secluded clearing and stopped the truck.  It settled to the ground with a low hiss.  Tents were pitched and dinner was re-hydrated.  Even though the cloud cover presented the only likely chance that the three travelers would have for an undetectable campfire, the wetness quickly forced everyone into their tents, and the rhythmic plop of rain on canvas soon lured them to sleep.

The alarm in Leela’s wristamajig woke the trio reluctantly back into consciousness.  Leela didn’t even remember falling asleep to begin with.  It was raining harder than the night before, and Fry suddenly wondered why they hadn’t simply slept in the truck.  Now all of their gear was wet.  “Oh well,” thought Fry, “might as well enjoy the water while we have it.”
_____________________________ _____________________________ ______________

The truck climbed higher, and rain switched to snow.  Soon Fry, Leela, and Bender found themselves immersed inside a thick cloud layer.  This was a blessing and a curse.  Nobody with ill intentions in mind would see them in the pea soup fog.  Then again, there was also the very real possibility of being surprised by some inconveniently placed chasm.  Fry just hoped that his captain knew what the heck she was doing.

Several close calls later Bender noticed a change in the ambient light.  “Hey, I think its clearing up”, he remarked.  Fry had just enough time to nod his head before the truck blasted through the clouds and into the sunlight. 

It was only a short drive further to the top of the pass.  Two peaks rose up another ten thousand feet on either side.  The land beyond the mountains was basically as Leela had pictured it from the start.  A rugged brown wasteland stretched all the way to the curving horizon.  A gleam of metal could be seen in the far distance;  Presumably it was their destination.  The distant landscape shimmered as if it were being seen through a body of water.  Although it was below freezing outside her window, the cyclops had no doubt that it was blistering hot where she was headed.

The drive down into the desert was uneventful.  The mountains gradually sloped down into dusty flatlands intermingled with boulders and dry riverbeds.   Fry became so bored with the inactivity that he began experimenting with the power windows, until he got his head stuck between the sill and the glass and Leela had to pull him out. 

Leela had only been driving through flat desert for an hour before the ground became impassible for their vehicle.  Jagged rocks poked up out of the ground every dozen feet or so and threatened to tear the guts out of the PE crew’s transport.  It was time to get out and walk.  Still, the GPS built into the truck said that they had come more than 250 miles; just about what Izar had predicted would be possible.   The cyclops landed the hovertruck in a sandy area relatively devoid of rocks and jumped out.  Fry bolted out after her, ecstatic to be doing something again.  Bender emerged from the rear of the vehicle with an armload of gear.

The three friends loaded their packs and set off in a general eastward direction.  Leela took one last look at the truck she had ‘borrowed’, and hoped silently that its owners would eventually see it again. 

btw: if anyone wants to beta for me let me know. 

[Reply #104 on:]

nobody's commenting anymore.  I feel so alone...

Part 3 chapter 4

Four days were followed by four nights, and still the three travelers had seen no sign of their destination.  The days had been hot and cruel; the nights cold and uncomfortable.  Fry and Leela were sore, hungry, and thoroughly sick of their metal companion.  Bender had taken this hike as a chance to show off his superiority to all things flesh and blood.  While the two humans toiled through the forbidding terrain Bender provided a nonstop soundtrack, humming and singing nonsensically to himself.  That combined with the lack of palatable food was enough to make the hike seem more like a death march to the robot’s friends.  Also, the constant sound of water sloshing around in the robot’s chest cabinet was beginning to make Fry wish he was dead.   At one point Leela had become so sick of dehydrated meat byproduct that she had gone out hunting, but was only able to zap a couple of lizards with her wrist laser.  They tasted like old gym socks. 

The worst part had been that they couldn’t build a fire. There wasn’t enough wood lying around, and they couldn’t be sure a fire wouldn’t be spotted by their enemies even if they could get a blaze going.  Now, on the fourth night since the trio had abandoned their truck, Leela and Fry hunched over the one heat source they had: a small camp stove.  Bender had been sent off on a little reconnaissance mission.  It would be good to let him vent some excess energy away from the campsite.

Presently, Fry stopped warming his hands over the tiny flame and looked up at his violet-haired captain.   He asked: “So Leela, how far do you think we’ve gone?”  Leela looked up and stared blankly at him until she came back from whatever remote mental plain she had been.  “Wha…” she started, and then woke up all the way.  “Oh.  Uhh, well, lets find out.”  She fiddled with some buttons on her wrist band.  “According to this thing I wear on my wrist, we’re 315 miles from the city we landed in.”  Fry cocked his head sideways and asked: “But didn’t Izar say that Ivan only lived 300 miles from the city?”  Leela nodded. “Yeah, but we haven’t walked in a straight line, and we’re probably a bit north or south of where we want to be.  If I had to guess, Id say Ivan is…”  Bender, who had wandered into the campsite during his companions’ conversation, broke in to finish his captain’s remark.  “… exactly two miles in that direction.”  The robot pointed off toward the southwest.   Fry and Leela shifted their gazes to look at the robot.  “Are you sure?” asked Leela.  The robot snorted derisively.  “Well, its either him or some other stupid human with a giant death fortress and a million cronies.”  The PE captain looked startled.  “And you said he’s only two miles away?  Were you spotted?  They might come after us!” “Nah I wouldn’t worry about that,” the robot assured his captain, “I was as silent as a fox.  They never knew I was there.”  Bender attempted to demonstrate his stalking prowess, but tripped over a small rock and fell head over heels with a crash.  Leela just shook her head, not even slightly convinced.

“Don’t worry Leela,” added Fry, “Im sure Bender didn’t give us away.  Lets just do what we did when the crates disappeared.  We’ll just think sit here and think of a plan.  Tomorrow we can worry about Ivan.” 

Leela looked down at her lap.  “Yeah you’re right, if we’d been discovered we’d all be dead by now.  Lets just hang out here for the night and tackle this tomorrow.  It’s not like the base will ‘disappear’ like those crates if we sit here tonight.  Leela had meant that last statement as a joke, but the word disappear had come out with a level of venom that surprised the delivery boy, as well as herself.

“Wait a minute Leela,” said Fry.  “You don’t still blame me for loosing the crates right? I mean, I fell asleep from boredom after staring at a building for three hours.  It could have happened to anybody.”  Leela’s body was a little more tense than a week in the desert could vouch for, and Fry realized that this conversation was going to end badly.

Fry was not disappointed.  Leela’s eye rose to meet his, and the cyclops glared at him.  “Oh come on Fry.  This sort of thing always happens with you!  You had one job.  One! And you blew it, just like you always do.”

“What do you mean, ‘always do’?  I don’t screw up all the time!”

The cyclops laughed.  “Give me a break Fry!  When was the last time we went on a mission that didn’t involve you getting someone injured, or the shipment vaporized, or the professor sued?”

“I can think of a ton of times.  Like, there was that one time that… umm… uhh…  Oh, I know! Wait, no…  Uhh…  Well, I cant think of any, but its not always me that gets us in trouble!  Remember that time you got stung by space bees and almost died?  Or the time that the robot mafia took over our ship?  Those weren’t my fault!

Leela’s face was bright red with anger by this point.  “But almost every other problem that happens is your fault,” the cyclops shot back, “and the disappearing crates were just more of the same!”

The delivery boy was becoming angry in his own turn.  “Well then why did you trust me with it huh?  You could have made Bender do it, or done it yourself.  Right Bender?”

Bender, still stuck on his back after his recent fall, shook his head and held out his arms as if to fend off an attack.  “Uh-Uh no way.  I’m not getting involved in this.   You two can kill each other, but Bender is neutral.”  The robot hastily rolled back in forth until he could maneuver onto his stomach.  Once in this position, he jumped to his feet and jogged off toward the tents.  He had no intention of becoming entangled in what promised to become world war IV.

“Don’t ask Bender to fight your battles Fry.  Come to think of it, that’s your problem.  You cant ever take responsibility for anything.  You always try and blame everything on me or Bender.”

“Oh right, like I even can take responsibility with you around Leela.  You always take control over everything.  You don’t let Bender or me do anything on your own, or even make suggestions.  If you’d take my advice once in awhile, the professor’s stuff would never have been stolen because we would have turned around before it was too late.  If you had listened to me when I told you I had a bad feeling about the Snark, we might have been done with this stupid delivery and back home already!”

“Fry, That’s not fair!  I couldn’t just turn the ship around because of some ‘bad feeling’ you had!”

The delivery boy’s response was simple.  “Why?”

Leela didn’t want to hear any more of what Fry had to say.  She stood up and scowled at the delivery boy, and then walked to her tent.  Fry called after her, but the cyclops didn’t pay any attention.  Fry watched his captain until she disappeared behind a canvass curtain, then turned back to the tiny stove that was sitting by his feet.  He turned off the little instrument, got up with a sigh, and walked dejectedly back to his tent

[Reply #105 on:]

 

Originally posted by SoylentOrange:
nobody's commenting anymore. I feel so alone...

Very well then.  Something about Fry and Leela's conversation/argument seems...off.  I don't know what it is, and the rest of the whole thing so far is great, but just...something...maybe I should leave the criticism to those who can actually write.

[Reply #106 on:]

The argument between the two is long overdue.  All the shippers want Fry and Leela to be kissy-kissy, everything-works-out, but really, the two are just too different - Leela's such a control freak and Fry is, Fry.

Even the best matched couple have arguments, so why shouldn't a very dysfunctional couple have an argument - particuarly when both have valid points.

Great character development.

[Reply #107 on:]

 

Originally posted by Unknown:
  Something about Fry and Leela's conversation/argument seems...off. 

let me know if you figure out what's 'off' about the argument.  For some reason writing that little piece of the story was really hard, and it didnt come out quite the way i envisioned it.  Any help in improving it would be great!

[Reply #108 on:]

Not all the shippers want Fry and Leela to be all kissy kissy. Some, like me, want realistic relationship progression. And that includes the occasional argument.

[Reply #109 on:]

I think the problem with the argument is how it started.  If Leela was feeling good enough to joke around about the crates disappearing, she probably wouldn't have jumped as far down Fry's throat as she did without provocation.  After all, concession is most often the path of least resistance.  If Fry had, for example, blamed her for losing the crates, then I imagine Leela would counter-escalate the conversation.  But Fry on the offensive against Leela doesn't happen too often.  The argument is a good addition to the story, but it could have been introduced a little more smoothly.

Have they already sent for help or to notify the Professor or whatever?  Unless there is some sort of prohibitory set of circumstances that I didn't see, this is Leela's third major blunder of this mission.

Great stuff so far.  I can tell this is going to get hyper-awesome in short order.

[Reply #110 on:]

that is awesome you should consider doing a comic book about it.

[Reply #111 on:]

they cant send for help with a bunch of cliche ss agents monitoring everything.

[Reply #112 on:]

Hey buddy, would've posted earlier but my wireless connection is fluctuating like heck at the moment. If you still want someone to beta for you, I'd be more than happy to do it.

A couple of good updates, but small plot holes like this one mentioned by Dr Thunder need to be rectified.
 

Have they already sent for help or to notify the Professor or whatever?

A few extra explanatory lines is all that's needed and the story would just seem more complete if they were dealt with. For readers who pick over everything like PEELers, there are few things more annoying than a quality fic with plot holes and unresolved issues.

[Reply #113 on:]

since I wont be anywhere near a computer this weekend, I thought Id take this moment to say Happy Halloween!

[Reply #114 on:]

first off, sorry about the double post.

I tried to fix that darned plot hole that you've all pointed out.  I dont want to get into the bad habit of edditing past chapters of the story, but I felt like I kinda had to for this.  Check out the paragraphs between the
 -----'s in section 3 chapter 2 (TOTP).

Dr. Thunder: yah maybe thats it...  I wanted Leela to try and mask her anger with a joke, and then have it all come blasting out of her.  Thats not the picture that you get from reading it though...

pojy:  BAD IDEA!  Drawings of mine have been known to be so bad as to shorten the lifespan of the viewer.

Leo: yeah that'd be great!  Should i send my stuff to the email adress you have listed on your PEEL profile?

[Reply #115 on:]

The added in part is good -it makes the story flow better and covers up the hole. again, good job! 

[Reply #116 on:]

Nicely done. You managed to do the added part without interrupting the flow.

Yeah, use the hotmail address in my profile - just remember it's .co.uk and not .com!

[Reply #117 on:]

 

Originally posted by Ralph Snart:
The argument between the two is long overdue.  All the shippers want Fry and Leela to be kissy-kissy, everything-works-out, but really, the two are just too different - Leela's such a control freak and Fry is, Fry.

Even the best matched couple have arguments, so why shouldn't a very dysfunctional couple have an argument - particuarly when both have valid points.

Great character development.

The problem was not that the argument existed, but in the execution thereof.  As I have the writing ability of a cheeseburger, I was unable to really elaborate.  If I were able to do as such, it probably would have been basically what DrThunder wrote.

[Reply #118 on:]

Both the most recent pieces are labeled "Part 3, Chapter 4," so I shall call the first "3a" and the second "3b".

3a probably didn't generate much comment b/c it was mostly all transitional narration summarizing action rather than dramatizing it.  Not that this stuff needs to be shown in gory detail, but I do think it needs more jokes.

I also feel there's something off with the argument.  Because Fry and Leela should never argue.  Just kidding!!!  Actually, I think it's because they're sticking to the subject and Fry doesn't say anything absurd.  I can't imagine that happening with them.    I liked the idea of the argument, and I appreciate your wanting Leela to do the humor-masking-anger thing, but I think you need first to build up her anger a little (while making it clear that it's really her disappointment b/c she was beginning to trust him and then he let her down) (only a half-truth, but we all see only our own half of things).  If you follow the "rule of 3" and mentinon it thrice during the transitional narration (Once to set it up, a brief reminder halfway through, and then once more just before the fight) that will make its "presence" in Leela's consciousness more real.

I liked many things about these sections, but the story seems to flag b/c it's the nature of "transitional narration" to feel a bit passive, and hence less riveting than actual action. Don't get me wrong, it's really well written transitional narration, and in a dramatic novel I'd fly right through it painlessly (which is what that kind of narration is meant for - moving us through the details to get to the next fully dramatized scene) and applaud your attention to detail and obviously well thought-out plan.  But Futurama is generally a little more wacky, and I think this all could be "wackied up" easily through some throw-away jokes like your "if there's any cats in here it's every man for himself" and such.

Hope this Helps...
Shiny

[Reply #119 on:]

I applaude.. Very much so