a noob's first attempt at literature

[Reply #280 on:]

hmm, yeah I think your right now that Ive tried saying it out loud.  There shouldnt be a comma there.  I just love commas so very, very much you see...  Dont worry, I've already got the plot thought out for a christmas story I want to do.  It'll be alot lighter (and shorter) than this epic.  I hope to have it done by the 25th 

[Reply #281 on:]

Awesome, as always. I can't wait for the end to this, specially since you said there was Shippy.

Side note: I'm surprised Fry seemed so upbeat considering he didn't know during his hike whether Leela could have survived or not. I'd have expected him to show a little more concern over what he was about to find, maybe preparing himself for the worst. Especially during the night where he was alone in pitch black, cause at that point all you have are your own thoughts.

Side side note: ooohhh hurray an xmas fic! Shippy?

[Reply #282 on:]

Yeah, as moody and dark as Fry has been in the last few chapters, it seems odd that you'd omit his inner monolog now.

 

"... You’re a smart woman, you’d have realized I was using you as bait, and who was being baited. ..."

I'm not sure of the syntax on that sentence.  It seems a little off.

This update wasn't your best, but it's not bad by any means.  I am especially fond of the "...action figure in a washing machine" line.  Classy use of imagery.

[Reply #283 on:]

Good stuff!  But I do agree with Venus on why Fry isn't very concerned with Leela's fate in the crash, especially with the possiblity of him being the one who may have killed her indirectly.

Grammatically it looks like you rushed this one out the door.  One sentence that caused my brain to grind gears:
 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:
Fry had had a good idea as to what to expect.

"Fry had a good idea of what to expect" sounds more like what you wanted.  Those errors are nothing more than I would make myself.  But like I've said before, it's easier to have someone else catch them for you.

The minor critique aside, I still enjoyed it.  You employ great imagery as usual.  I wish my brain could tick with fresh ideas on-the-fly like that. I'm looking forward to your Xmas story as well.

[Reply #284 on:]

Yes, an Xmas story!  Hope it's shippy.

[Reply #285 on:]

Yah an x-mas story.

[Reply #286 on:]

Wow, great update sO!

Just found a stray full stop:

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:
.One cold and lonely night later

I like how you managed to get humour into such a dramatic story. Some bits that made me laugh:

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:
“Oh man, yuck! That’s not oak, its maple!”

Ooh, by the way, that needs an apostrophe in its.

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:
Fry was cold, sore in places he didn’t know existed, and ravishingly hungry.

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:
Long experience told Fry that cresting a mountain peak on an unknown planet nearly always resulted in a sight that led to a collective gasp from everyone present.

And, of course, I loved the whole revealing-the-evil-plan bit. Ooh, the suspense! Ooh, the anticipation of shippy!

Can't wait! You have no idea how much I've been craving some updates to all these great stories that are currently being written!   

[Reply #287 on:]

you guys are right, Fry is too upbeat.  I tried to make this section a little less dark then previous ones, but I think i overdid it.

anyways, here's another update for your viewing pleasure.  enjoy!
_____________________________ ___________________

Part 5:
Chapter 3

A short distance away, Fry lay concealed behind a large boulder.  So far, he didn’t think he had been spotted.  No one was shooting at him anyway.  Still, he couldn’t get any closer without blowing his cover. 

Fry spent a few minutes trying to figure out what to do next.  If he went barging in there right now he’d just end up shot.  “What would Leela do?”, Fry wondered.  “If she was here she’d come up with some perfect plan that would save the day.”  Of course, if Leela were there with him then the whole situation would be moot.  “Maybe if I wait until after dark I can sneak in before anyone sees me.  Then I just have to search a gigantic crashed ship that I’ve never seen before for a person that’s probably being held under heavy guard…”

The delivery boy’s thoughts trailed off as he became aware of what, or more accurately who, was being led out of the wrecked spacecraft.  It was Leela!

As the ecstatic redhead watched, two of Ivan’s men tied the  yclops to a tree, and then proceeded to turn around and re-enter the ship.  Every other crewmember that was at the crash site followed them in to the smoking hulk a minute later.

Ivan had been accurate in his prediction of Fry’s response.  The delivery boy leaped out of his hiding place and ran pell-mell down the mountainside toward his drugged captain.  He made it almost halfway there before laser blasts drove him back into cover.  At first Fry assumed he had been spotted, but another blast never came near him.  Instead, a volley of laser fire pelted the crash site.  It continued for a few seconds, and then ceased abruptly.  When the dust cleared Fry was relieved to see that no stray shot had come close to Leela’s tree.

A moment later a familiar ship descended from above.  The hovering vessel was a bright white, with two engines on fins at the bottom and docking stations on small arms on either side.  A large white and black grate gave the impression of a ridiculous grin across the bow.   Bold black letters painted on the ships flanks proclaimed its name: Nimbus.

Fry groaned.  “Oh please.  Not him.  Not…”

A loud booming voice rolled out from under the ship’s belly.  “Hello-a.  My name is Zapp Brannigan, captain of the DOOP ship Nimbus.  You are all under arrest for violation of Brannigan’s law.  You are trespassing on a forbidden world-a.  If you don’t leave this planet immediately, I will have to put you under arrest.  You have 15 seconds before I open fire.  “Umm sir?”, enquired a weak voice.  Lieutenant Kif Kroker addressed his captain aboard the Nimbus.  Unbeknownst to either DOOP officer, Zapp had accidentally turned up the gain on his loudspeaker, thereby transmitting their conversation to everyone within a five mile radius.

“What is it Kif, old friend?”

“How are you going to arrest them if you blast them into vapor?”

“I’m glad you asked.  See, life is like a box of chocolates, you can’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

“That made absolutely no sense whatsoever.”

Brannigan put on a mysterious air.  “Didn’t it?  Or did it make all the sense in the world?”

Kif just sighed heavily.

Fry’s gaze returned to Leela just in time to see one of Ivan’s men throw the still-limp cyclops over his shoulder and hurry back toward the relative safety of his ship.  Brannigan was too busy proving his stupidity in front of his first officer to notice what was going on.  The delivery boy jumped up and once again started running, but it was too late.  Leela’s purple hair disappeared behind a closing hatch before Fry was close enough to do anything. 

Before Fry had a chance to decide what to do next, Zapp made the decision for him.  “You there, with the red hair,” boomed Brannigan’s disembodied voice, “the penalty for standing on the planet’s surface is death-a.  You have damaged Gillegyn’s fragile ecosystem with your very presence.  Now I will execute you in the most nature-friendly manner imaginable-a: with my main laser cannon!”  On the bridge of the nimbus, Kif Kroker let out another patent sigh.

A yellow line of death chased Fry, who screamed all the while, to the shelter of some obscuring trees.  The redhead dove to the side a split second before the laser could turn him into cooked hamburger.

“Now then, the rest of you have fifteen seconds to leave the planet, starting now.”  There was silence for exactly the amount of time Zapp had specified.  “Very well.  Since you refuse to leave, you give me no other option but to send wave after wave of my own men at you.”  “But sir,” Kif broke in, “wasn’t the plan to use the lasers?”  “Why, yes it was-a, but I like this new plan a lot better.”

What happened next was a sight familiar to Fry, who had once been pressed into service under the command of the intolerable Brannigan.  Zapp was fond of the element of surprise, only he had gotten the meaning of the phrase confused somehow.  The giant Nimbus descended to hover eight feet off the ground in a small clearing devoid of rubble, about three hundred yards from the crash site.  Giant doors flew open on the bottom of the white ship, sending fifty or so unsuspecting troops falling onto the battlefield.  The Nimbus then proceeded to fly away from the battle, ostensibly to watch from the safety of orbit.

The fifty DOOP soldiers wasted no time getting ready.  They broke up into five separate squads and dashed for whatever cover they could find.  At the same time, the remains of the Drakos began to swarm with defenders.  A lucky shot from one of Ivan’s men caught a DOOP soldier in the side, moments before the man reached safety behind a piece of wreckage. 

The battle picked up in intensity very quickly.  The DOOP soldiers, although slightly more numerous, were also slightly outgunned.  Evidently some of Ivan’s private weapon’s stash had survived re-entry.  Whatever the case, this fight was showing signs of being a real meat-grinder.  Fry was now in a very serious situation.  Between him and the ship was a small army of men that wouldn’t think twice before shooting him. Meanwhile, another small army that wouldn’t think twice before shooting him was slowly, but steadily, closing in.  If he didn’t do something soon, he could easily end up caught in the crossfire.  Then again, if he tried to stand up and leave the cover of the low bushes he was crouching in, the delivery boy would be cut down before he could take two steps.  One of Ivan’s people walked within a few feet of the delivery boy’s hiding place.  The woman caught sight of Fry and leveled her rifle, but was picked off by a DOOP soldier before she could shoot.  Fry trembled for a few moments at this latest close call.  When the soldier had moved off, Fry scrambled out of his shelter and picked up the woman’s small pistol, which had fallen from her hand.  He made it back to his bushes before anyone spotted him.  “Now if someone wants to shoot me, at least I can shoot back,” muttered Fry darkly

Tense minutes passed.  Things exploded and vaporized all around the poor delivery boy until so little cover remained that Fry was forced to leave his hiding spot.  What followed was a blur of motion and raw instinct.  Fry ran forward, ducking just in time to avoid a projectile of some kind.  Men in green DOOP uniforms approached from the rear, zapping away with their charged positron shooters.  The delivery boy knew he couldn’t shoot the soldiers.  After all they were (usually) the good guys.  Fry altered course and took off toward the only cover that was nearby, the tortured ruin of the Drakos’ hull.

The DOOP was gaining ground.  Only a few men remained to defend the exterior of the ship.  They fell one by one as Fry ran.  Only two defenders were left, standing at the ship’s closed airlock.  Fry shot at them wildly as he ran toward a spot downhull.  The two men were forced to take shelter behind a makeshift, waist-high barricade that was propped up in front of them. 

Once at the ship, Fry threw himself behind a giant twisted hunk of metal that lay propped up against the Drakos’ outer skin.  The two men that had been chasing Fry broke off their pursuit to engage the men standing at the airlock.  Both DOOP soldiers were promptly cut down.  Fry tried to line up a shot on the two defenders, who were less than twenty paces away, but the attempt was soon proven unnecessary.  A compact sphere of antimatter screamed through the air and smashed into the airlock door.  An intense flash of gamma radiation advertised the destruction of not only the airlock, but the two men that had been guarding it.

 This was the chance that Fry had been hoping for.  Before whatever shred of logic that he had could instruct him otherwise, the delivery boy bolted from his hiding place and made a dash for the still-smoking hole in the ship’s hull.  DOOP weapons fire buried itself in the ground and hull in an attempt to wipe Fry from existence, but failed.  The remaining soldiers were too far away to get an accurate shot with small arms, and antimatter cannons took far too long to reload.  Fry made it into the ship with relative ease.

[Reply #288 on:]

Great update! And very funny!

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:
Fry groaned. “Oh please. Not him. Not…”

You know, that was my reaction as well. 

[Reply #289 on:]

Suspense!! Action!! Carnage!! Woohoo! Nice update.

[Reply #290 on:]

"Life is like a box of chocolates, there's always some that have a bite already taken out of them."

The appearance of Zapp was unexpected and humorous at the same time.

This means that leela may get another chance to beat the crap out of him...

Good edition

[Reply #291 on:]

The Good:

• Zapp's malapropisms.
• Action on top of action on top of action covered in baby oil.
• Use of more canon characters acting like canon characters.

The Not so Good:

• Use of "-a" in Zapp's dialog.  It's not really necessary, and it seems overused to me.
• “Now if someone wants to shoot me, at least I can shoot back.”  I think we all know why he picked up the gun.  If he weren't explaining the obvious to himself out loud, it would probably blend a little better.

The Ugly:

• That guy over there.  Wait, that's a mirror.
• There really is no ugliness to speak of.  From a creative standpoint, I was actually expecting the resistance fighters to unexpectedly provide Fry with the means to get aboard the Drakos.  But Zapp accomplishes this just as easily and in a more comical fashion.

[Reply #292 on:]

I can totally see Fry running from Zapp's death ray, and loved the "meat-grinder" metaphor. I also loved this line "He made it almost halfway there before laser blasts drove him back into cover." I can see him casually running back. It reminds me of a story of when I went on a trip. There was a small Mc. Donalds we went and ate at after coming back from band competition, and it was so packed, this oe guy was walking in the parking lot, looked in, and turned around with a small, fast turn and walked back. Also a little girl said " oh my gosh" It was really hilarious. Thought I might share that bit with you.. Sorry to be off-topic. Splended update indeed. Also, we must see Leela hurt Zapp. There was a lack of it in the series. 

[Reply #293 on:]

 

Originally posted by Professor Zoidy:
Hmm.. saw a few typos. [later in post] as fopr the name

soylent... .amazing stuff!!!!!

[Reply #294 on:]

glad you guys liked it.  I had to change a little bit of Zapp's dialogue at the last minute because some of the humor was a tad, well, weak. 

I was going to say that there is no Zapp bashing on the horizon, but I just decided that I really want to put it in the story somewhere.  I'll have to find a place to insert it    .

Ive also started my christas fiction.  Its still basically an outline with the beginnings of an intro, but I think its going to come together nicely.  Do you guys want me to post it in pieces, or all at once when its finished? 

[Reply #295 on:]

hmmmm.... maybe in two halfs....

[Reply #296 on:]

   

Originally posted by soylentOrange:

glad you guys liked it.  I had to change a little bit of Zapp's dialogue at the last minute because some of the humor was a tad, well, weak.

Zapp is always good for making humorous, stupid comments.  Checkmate. 

   

I was going to say that there is no Zapp bashing the horizon, but I just decided that I really want to put it in the story somewhere.  I'll have to find a place to insert it

HOORAY!  As much as Leela hates Zapp, it would be almost too much to expect that she wouldn't take a swing or two at him.  Of course it would be funny (but grossly out of character) for Fry to be the one to kick Zapp's ass.

[Reply #297 on:]

 

Originally posted by Ralph Snart:
   HOORAY!  As much as Leela hates Zapp, it would be almost too much to expect that she wouldn't take a swing or two at him. 

nah, it wouldn't have been out of character because Leela and Zapp were never going to be in the same place at the same time. 

hey, can someone explain to me how these poll things work?  Can I add one to an existing thread, or can I only put one in a new thread?

btw, thanks everybody for the input.  I know I've done good when Snart can't find anything wrong with an entire chapter  .  I kid, I kid.  If you dont tell me the bad stuff, I'll never get better  .

PS: another update tonight 

[Reply #298 on:]

Well, you'd have to make a new topic as far as I know. Also, if your Christmas story is really long, post it in parts. If it's short, post the whole thing. That's if it's incredibly short though.

[Reply #299 on:]

and here comes the climax!

Part 5:
Chapter 4

The interior of the Drakos was in a much better state than the outside.  Bits of miscellaneous rubble lay strewn hither and thither, and the deck was tilted at a slight angle, but most of the craft was more or less intact.  The only signs of the ongoing disaster were the flashing emergency lights and the acrid smell of smoke mixed with weapon discharge. 

Fry had expected an unfriendly welcoming committee, but saw no signs of human life.  He supposed that whoever had been guarding the inside of the airlock had succumbed to the same fate as their two comrades on the other side.  It would not be long, however, before this hallway became a raging bloodbath.

A small hatch drew the redhead’s attention.  The words “service tunnels” were emblazoned on the hatch’s surface in red letters.  Fry gave it an experimental tug; it opened.  Footfalls could now be heard racing toward the compromised airlock.  Outside the ship voices could be heard giving orders.  Fry tucked his pistol into the inside pocket of his tattered jacket, grabbed a pipe above the hatch, and used it to swing himself feet-first through the hatch and into the space beyond.  Landing with an “Ow!”, the delivery boy reached behind him and pulled the hatch closed, moments before Ivan’s reinforcements ran into the corridor.

A long, dimly lit crawlspace swung into view when Fry finally managed to get himself turned around.  Many colored stripes were painted on the floor.  Next to each stripe was painted a location in that stripe’s color.  Amidst the tangled rainbow was an orange stripe, marked ‘Brig’.  “That’s probably where Leela will be,” reasoned Fry.  “If I use these tunnels, I’ll be able to stay out of the fighting.  Maybe I’ll even be able to surprise the people who are guarding Leela.”

What followed was a slow, uncomfortable trek through the guts of Ivan’s ship.  It seemed like an eternity before Fry found himself at his destination.  The tunnel that Fry had been using ended in a hatch identical to the one he had used earlier.  Fry put an ear up to the cold metal surface to listen for the sounds of someone on the other side.  Everything seemed quiet.  “I guess the coast is clear,” muttered the delivery boy as he cautiously opened the hatch.  Before the hatch was even halfway open it was torn from his grasp.  Half a moment later Fry found himself faced with the familiar sight of a laser rifle being leveled at his head.

“I’m boned,” sighed the poor redhead.
_____________________________ _____________________________ _____________

 Fry presently found himself in a small square room.  On one side of the compartment was a closed hatch, while the opposite end was open to an adjacent corridor.  Standing in the middle of the room was a tall human male with a dark scar.  Fry had finally come face to face with the man he had chased all the way from Talora.  Unfortunately, the crewman that had captured him had been smart enough to search him for concealed weapons.  Fry’s pistol had been quickly confiscated. 

“So, my redheaded friend, what brings you way out here to Gillegyn Five?”, asked the scarred lunatic. 

Fry fumbled for a believable excuse.  “Umm, well see, the thing is, I was on this three hour tour right?  And, well anyway, my ship, The Minnow, got caught up in a solar storm…”

“Silence!  I know why you’re here, and I know it was you in the ship that attacked me.  I must say I applaud you for getting this far all by yourself.  Leela told me herself that she thought you were too stupid to do anything on your own.”

“No I’m doesn’t!  And anyway, Leela wouldn’t say that.  She’s hard on me sometimes, but she’s too good a friend to say things like that without me present.”

“Heh, maybe so, but the fact remains that you still failed miserably in the end.  Lieutenant Carter?  Bring in the woman”.

A tired, bruised, and fiercely uncooperative purple-haired cyclops was half dragged into the compartment from her cell two doors down.  The neuro-repressor had worn off soon after Leela had been locked back up in her tiny prison.  The guards had had the foresight to leave the hand and ankle cuffs on her. The furious woman emitted a continuous string of curses, many of which Fry would have to look up later, before she finally caught sight of her attempted-rescuer.

Fry’s goofy grin was met with a look of joy mixed with disbelief.  “Fry?  Is that really you?  They told me that Zapp killed you.”

“Yep  Leela, it’s really me!  Zapp Brannigan is no match for my boundless wit.”  Several of the nearby guards couldn’t repress a collective snicker.

“Oh, Fry, you have no idea how good it is to see your face right now,” Fry’s grin broadened.

“Alright you two, that’s enough catching up.  I have precious little time before The DOOP breaks through my defenses and I have to get to my shuttle. I intend to use every last moment evening out the score.”  Ivan’s face gained a sinister quality.  “You, crewman!  Drag Leela over there.”  Ivan gestured to a spot on the side of the room opposite Fry.  “This time, I am doing this the short and easy way.  No more slipups.  No more just-in-the-knick-of-time rescues.  This time I will have my revenge.  You won’t distract me into giving longwinded monologues about my superior cunning, for my superior cunning will spot any attempt by you to stall for time.  You will not make a mockery of me, daring to defy me by continuing to live.  Yes, I will enjoy this execution more than any I have carried out in a long time.  In all my life I have never come across a pair of individuals that have caused me more trouble.  Even the DOOP never came close to loosing me a prized shipment and destroying my flagship.  Now I’m bankrupt, and possibly cornered, because of your tiresome meddling.”  An ensign checked his watch.  “And furthermore…”

Laser fire broke out all around.  Several DOOP soldiers had heard a loud ranting voice down a corridor and zeroed in on its location.  Fry hit the deck immediately, and was soon followed by Leela when the guards who had been supporting her were each shot in the chest. 

Lieutenant Carter and the one remaining guard returned fire, killing two of the three soldiers.  A positron beam hit the lieutenant directly in the chest.  Carter screamed and fell to the ground, sending her laser pistol skittering across the room in the process.  The remaining DOOP soldier blasted the legs out from under Ivan’s sole remaining man.  Ivan shot the soldier in the head a fraction of a second later.

“Goddamnit no!  This is not going to happen again!”  The scarred madman stomped over to Fry, who was still laying face-up on the deck.  “Fry, you die now.”  Ivan raised his weapon.  Leela screamed.  Ivan pulled the trigger.  Fry kicked him in the shin.  HARD.

The kick threw off Ivan’s aim.  The shot went wide, missing the delivery boy by mere inches.  Fry rolled out of the way just in time to dodge the follow up shot.  Suddenly there was something cold and metallic pressed up against his right hand.  Fry rolled again and brought Carter’s discarded laser pistol to bear.  Ivan’s eyes grew wide. 

Fry grinned.  “I’ve always wanted to say this.  “Hasta la vista, baby!”
“Why, you little son of a bi…”

Ivan never got a chance to finish his sentence.  A white-hot ball of plasma struck him in the chest, and kept on going.  The lifeless body fell to the ground with a wet smack.

[Reply #300 on:]

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:
Now I’m bankrupt, and possibly cornered, because of your tiresome meddling.” An ensign checked his watch. “And furthermore…”

Laser fire broke out all around. Several DOOP soldiers had heard a loud ranting voice down a corridor and zeroed in on its location.

Bwahahaha.. Super villains never know when to just shoot the hero/heroine instead of just babbling away, buying the hero/heroine time to escape.   

Great one soylentOrange! Three thumbs up.. err.. I mean two. 

And since we're on the topic of fanfiction, I have started to write my first Futurama fanfiction. And I'm wondering if anyone is interested in beta reading the first (and finished) part of it? Please? 

[Reply #301 on:]

Wow! Cool! 

 

Fry had finally come. face to face

Stray full stop.

 

uncooperative purple-haired yclops

yclops? 

 

“Oh, Fry, you have no idea how good it is to see your face right now,” Fry’s grin broadened.

  Shippy shippy shippy!!!

 

The lifeless body fell to the ground with a wet smack.

Ew. But yay, the baddie is dead! Or lifeless, at least!!!

Loved it, sO, especially Ivan's long speech and stuff. And I'm looking forward to the Xmas story! 

[Reply #302 on:]

YES!!! Loved the whole : "No I’m doesn’t!, Fry killing that SOB, and him saying " why you little son of a bi.." and the "Fry, you die now" part reminds me of how Fry says "you die now" in the Futurama video game. So...Violent!!    Love it so much! So much description... *drools* A true work of writing..protegy maybe even..

[Reply #303 on:]

HOORAY!!  Ivan is dead!!  Love the wet smack decsription.  And Fry didn't screw up for once!

I'm not sure I want this to end...it is a class piece of work 

Hey Corvus, I'd love to beta for you.  I'm away from home at the moment (I borrowed a laptop tonight) so I can't work on my own fic so I'd love to have a read of yours    my email is in my profile 

[Reply #304 on:]

 

Fry fumbled for a believable excuse. “Umm, well see, the thing is, I was on this three hour tour right? And, well anyway, my ship, The Minnow, got caught up in a solar storm…”

nice...
 

[Reply #305 on:]

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:The guards had had the foresight to leave the hand and ankle cuffs on her.

Noooo!  I hadn't of pointed this out if you had realized that you had not to had had multiple "hads" in the same sentence. One "had" would had been enough...
Ok, maybe it had been a typo. 
 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:"...You won’t distract me into giving longwinded monologues..." ...An ensign checked his watch.  “And furthermore…”...

        Sorry, laughing too hard...
 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:
Ivan shot the soldier in the head...

A white-hot ball of plasma struck him in the chest, and kept on going. The lifeless body fell to the ground with a wet smack.

Oooo, quite violent even by Futurama standards.  Usually (but not always) there's some kind of joke or visual humor to lighten things up.  But I'm ok with it.  In my opinion, I feel that Futurama uses humor more often than the seriousness element.  Reading your story up to this point, I sense that you emphasize the seriousness more than the humor.  It's just my interpretation of your style. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. And I like it!

Very enjoyable reading...you make my time here at work pass all the more faster. (shhhh, I'm supposed to be working...)

So we gonna see some shippy in the denouement? 

[Reply #306 on:]

 

Originally posted by Corvus:
 Bwahahaha.. Super villains never know when to just shoot the hero/heroine instead of just babbling away, buying the hero/heroine time to escape.   

Aint that the truth...  Evil would always win if they could just get their complexes under control 

Arkan: Xmas fic's on the way.  As soon as I get these damned finals out of the way I can start it back up again.  Damned professors and their scewed priorities.  I mean, uhh...

Zoidy:  Not sure about my writing being prodigeous, but thanks anyways 

fryIsMyHero: I dont want it to end either...  Now how will I spend my friday evenings?  Get a social life?  *gasp*  No, no it can't have come to that...

parasite?: Yey, somebody liked the Gilligan's Isle reference!

Tokash:  That's wrong?  Heh, I speak like that all the time.  You can say something like "he had been having a good time.", so I've always assumed you could say "he had had a good time."  Thats why Im a physics major and not an english major 

[Reply #307 on:]

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:Heh, I speak like that all the time.

I do too! We can get kind of sloppy with both the verbal and written languages.  And it's right up my ally since I'm a sloppy guy.
 

You can say something like "he had been having a good time.", so I've always assumed you could say "he had had a good time."

In both examples, you're referring to a past moment which was before another past moment.  One past reference is sufficient to cover the main moment that you're addressing.  Sometimes we like to make things a little more complicated than we need.  A simple "he had a good time" covers the fact that a good time was had in the past without the grammatical redundancy.
It's not technically wrong, and you may need to stress that the good time was had before another past moment.  But written out, it just looks unnecessarily repetative.  "...had been having" looks and sounds more tolerable than "...had had...".  Part of creative writing is the ability to have sentence variety and avoid repetativeness, particularly in the same sentence (not like I just did by using the word "sentence" in the same sentence. Ha! What a hypocrite I am).  You do this well with the pronouns (and maybe too well as I pointed out in a previous post), so just stretch it into the verb world.   

It's a minor quibble for a fan fic on a public board.  You're story-telling skills still rock!

Edit: To poke fun at myself...

[Reply #308 on:]

 

Originally posted by soylentOrange:
 

 Xmas fic's on the way.  As soon as I get these damned finals out of the way I can start it back up again.  Damned professors and their scewed priorities.  I mean, uhh...

I totally agree. Too many finals, and it all seems so rushed...

[Reply #309 on:]

alright guys, here it is.  The very last chapter of my fiction, which is going to be called Talora until I come up with something better.  Somehow this thing changed from a short little experiment into a major project, a total of 87 pages and 43156 words.  Its been a blast, and I cant wait to start my next big project! 

Part 5:
Chapter 5

“Whahoo!  I did it!  I saved the day!  Whahoo!  Take that Ivan, you creepy jerk!”  Fry jumped around the room, firing wildly in celebration.  Various wall fixtures, light sources, and pieces of equipment vaporized accordingly.

“Fry!  Listen to me!” Leela glared up at her rescuer after a random shot singed the end of her ponytail.  “First of all, stop blasting everything in sight.  I really don’t feel like dying at the moment.  Second, find the keys to these damned handcuffs before someone else shows up and decides to mop the floor with us.”

Fry grinned sheepishly and lowered the pistol.  “Uhh, yeah, sure thing Leela.”
The keys to Leela’s restraints were hidden deep in one of Ivan’s trouser pockets.  It was a good thing that the plas-pistol had hit him in the chest rather than in his waist, or there might have been no key for the delivery boy to find.   Still, it was a gruesome business rummaging around in a corpse’s pockets, especially when said pockets were soggy with blood. Fry was more than a little relieved when Leela’s restraints were off and he could throw the gory key away.

Leela experimented with standing up.  The restraints had cut off a lot of her circulation, and the Cyclops was annoyed to discover that both of her legs were half asleep.  She almost stumbled once before she got control of herself, but she prevented her body from betraying its temporary weakness through sheer will.  It was already intolerable enough that Fry had been the one to rescue her, rather than the other way around.  There was no way in hell that she was going to play the helpless damsel in distress anymore.  Now that she was back in action, it was time that she take charge again.

“So, what now Leela?”  Fry had come to the same conclusion as his captain.  He knew full well that he was no hero.  Sure, he’d gotten lucky a bunch of times and managed to save Leela’s ass for once, but Leela was the born leader, not he.  It would be best to let her lead be the one to make the decisions from now on.

Leela, who was leaning against the wall, but hiding it by pretending to use it as cover to look around the corner into the corridor beyond, turned to her friend and gave him a warm smile.  She had known Fry long enough to be familiar with his thought process.  In his own way he had just told her that he still had confidence in her, even after seeing her cuffed and helpless on the floor.  She realized that being weak in his eyes would be something she couldn’t deal with.  She would feel as though she had failed him.

Strength finally replenished, Leela pushed these thoughts out of her head for the moment.  “Hmm…”  The Cyclops crossed her arms and tried to think.  Presently she said: “I’ve been unconscious or locked up in a room by myself for awhile, so I don’t really know what’s going on.  The DOOP is here evidently…” Leela glanced over at one of the fallen soldiers, then froze as the ramifications sank in.  “Oh god, please don’t tell me that HE’s here!”

The delivery boy grimaced.  Leela and Zapp were not exactly the best of friends, although the moronic captain of the Nimbus had not as yet caught on to this fact.  “Yeah, Zapp’s here.”  Before Leela could groan accordingly, Fry added: “but he doesn’t know I’m here, or well, he knows some guy with red hair is here because he tried to fry me with that giant laser thing on his ship, but he didn’t get close enough to see who I was.  That means he doesn’t know you’re here either!’

“Oh thank god!  I don’t know if I could restrain myself if I had to deal with that windbag right now.”

“But shouldn’t we let the DOOP guys know we’re here?  I didn’t before because I didn’t want to take up a lot of time explaining things to Zapp Brannigan while Ivan was deciding to kill you, but now...”   Fry shrugged.

There was a noise.  Leela jumped behind some equipment in a corner, dragging Fry after her. Footsteps and coarse language approached from down the hall, followed by the two men that they belonged to.  Two hours later the soldiers would wake up in the Nimbus brig having no idea what had happened to them

Leela dislodged her boot from her target’s face, stood up, and brushed herself off.  “What were you saying Fry?  Oh right, the DOOP.  No, lets not let them know we’re here unless we have to.  This mission is already a candidate for the biggest fiasco of my adult life, let’s not seal the deal by getting Zapp involved ok?”

Fry nodded his agreement. 

“Didn’t Ivan say something about a shuttle?”, continued Leela.  “We can use that to get out of here.”

Getting to the shuttle bay was much harder than it had any right to be.  It was in a part of the ship that had not faired well during the crash landing.  The tormented ship’s support structure had been compromised to the extent that many corridors and compartments, as well as all of the servicing tunnels in the area, were inaccessible.  To make matters worse, a full scale boarding action was going on all over the ship.  Damage from high explosives was evident everywhere.  Fry and Leela spent many tense minutes trying to find a path through the rubble, stopping every once in awhile to duck out of the way of the occasional DOOP patrol.  The DOOP was mopping up the last of the resistance, which was making its last stand several decks away.  Leela knew that she needed to get to the shuttle bay before Ivan’s men were completely overrun.  Once the DOOP soldiers ran out of people to shoot, they would start to comb the ship for survivors.  If they came across Fry and herself, they would either shoot first and ask questions later or send them off to the Nimbus’ brig to deal with Brannigan.  She hoped they chose option one.

Leela was just about frustrated enough to give up and take her chances with Zapp when Fry disappeared from sight with a cry.  He had been walking across a fallen beam that bridged a hole in the floor when he lost his balance.  Soon he was lying on his ass, smiling up at an annoyed Cyclops one deck above him.

“Are you alright Fry?”

“Yeah I, OW!” A few pieces of loose rubble rained down on him from above.  “Yeah, I think so.”

Leela jumped down into the hole and surveyed the surroundings.  They were in a compartment of some kind, though it was too damaged for its identity to be discerned.  One thing did gain Leela’s attention however.  Landing gear and part of an undercarriage were silhouetted behind gaps in a partially collapsed bulkhead.

_____________________________ _____________________________ _____________

It was just a short run to the shuttle’s airlock.  “My god,” thought Leela, “we’re actually going to make it out of here without getting cau…”

“You there! Stop running and put your hands up-a!”

“Oh lord…  Why do I never learn?” Fry and Leela stopped in their tracks.  Leela did as the voice demanded, but hesitated to turn around.  “Maybe if I don’t look, he’ll just go away.”  Not likely.

 A moment later a large male hand appeared on Leela’s right shoulder. 

“My my, what have we here?  Trying to escape, like rats from a burning wig?  Not while I, Zapp Brannigan am in charge!”  Zapp took a step back to look over his captives.  From the rear they both seemed somehow… familiar.  He addressed the one with the purple hair. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to be related to…”  The PE captain turned around to face him.  A fire capable of igniting a small star was burning in her eye.

 “Leela?!”  Zapp was stunned.  “No, it can’t be.”  Zapp crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes before addressing the woman again.  “What are you, some kind of Leela android?  Who are you working for?!  What is your purpose!?  What have you done with my buxxomy swan?!”

A sigh emanated from somewhere in the shadows behind Zapp.  Kif Kroker’s green form coalesced out of the darkness and walked up to his captain’s side.  “I’m sorry that we startled you captain Leela.”  Kif acknowledged Fry’s presence with a nod.  “But, what are you doing here?  This is a forbidden planet, and we didn’t see your ship.”

“It’s a very long story Kif, and I really don’t want to go into it right now.  Let’s just say we didn’t want to be here, and in a couple of minutes we weren’t going to be here anymore.  I was really looking forward to that second part.  Please, this has been an awful couple of weeks, can’t you just let us go?”   

“Well gee, Leela, I don’t know.  I guess we could let it go this time but…”

Zapp butted in before his lieutenant could continue.  “No!  Interfering with undeveloped worlds is a violation of Brannigan’s Law, which I am sworn to protect!  Since Kif and I both saw you here, I’m afraid that I will have to put the both of you under arrest-a.”

A devious look came into Leela’s face.  “But you never saw us here,” Leela continued under her breath, “or at least that’s what you’ll think in a minute.”

Kif saw the change in the cyclops’ stance and decided he would simply forget the next ten seconds.

“Ah, but I’m afraid we did see you here, right Ki..?”  A black boot collided with Zapp’s face, the only feminine touch the man’s mouth had seen in years.  The DOOP captain practically melted under the blow, transforming into a veritable puddle of velour goo and sliding to the deck.  Leela kept kicking him.  There was a lot of rage to work out, and she had learned through long practice that there was no better way to dissipate excess rage than by damaging Zapp’s body.  It had somehow become… therapeutic.

Fry eventually had to pull his captain away.  He enjoyed seeing Zapp get his ass kicked as much as the next guy did, but they still had escaping to do.  When Leela regained her composure she turned to Kif.  The lieutenant was staring off into a corner.  He turned to face her when he noticed her gaze

“Don’t worry captain Leela, I’ll tell the jackass he slipped and fell or something.”  He looked down at the limp form of his superior officer.  There was no readable expression on his face, but both Fry and Leela knew that seeing Zapp unconscious on the floor was the highlight of the lieutenant’s week. 

Fry had a question that had been bugging him during this whole conversation.  “Hey man, wait up.  Why were you and Zapp here anyway?  I mean, I saw your ship fly away from here when I was outside.” 

Kif sighed.  “Zapp came back down here to claim credit for the battle as soon as it was obvious that we were winning.  He was hiding down here in the deserted hangar to wait for the shooting to stop.  He was sitting in the corner shaking when we heard voices in the next room, and then we saw you two.”

A couple of voices began to echo down a nearby cooridor.  Kif gestured for his two friends to get moving.  “You guys’d better go before someone else sees you.”

Fry chuckled.  “Yeah, we wouldn’t want Leela beating the crap out of any more of your crew.”

Leela rolled her eye.

“Alright, Kif we’ll get out of here.  Thanks for the help!”  Leela gave the squishy alien a quick hug.  She and Fry turned and ran.

“Tell Amy I said hi!”, Kif called after them meekly.

Soon Fry and Leela were onboard their getaway ship.  Leela slid into the pilot’s seat while Fry stood nervously behind her.  This ship was a bit bigger than the Minnow, but there was still only one seat.  Fry silently prayed to whoever would listen that Leela didn’t have to put the shuttle through any aerobatics.  He’d been banged around enough already…

Leela powered up the ship and pointed its nose toward the hangar door.  Sitting around waiting for the door to open was a bad idea, since it would give anyone on the other side ample opportunity to blow the crap out of them before they could take off.  Luckily there was another way.   Leela moved the joystick in a clockwise rotation and fired one of the ship’s many lasers.  Before Fry could ask what she was doing, Leela jammed the throttle forward, sending the shuttle crashing through the metal cutout she had just made, and a screaming Fry hurtling backward through the length of the ship into the rear bulkhead.  A few wild bolts of small arms fire were all that challenged the little ship as it arced away into the sky.


Part 6: Homeward Bound

Leela called the professor as soon as they broke orbit.  There were no signs of guilt on his face.  Either Farnsworth did not feel regret for abandoning her to whatever fate Ivan had planned, or he simply didn’t remember anything that had happened.  It quickly became apparent that it was the second case.

“Hello?” he enquired upon accepting the call.  “Who is this?”

“Professor!  It’s Leela!   It’s so good to see you again!”

“Leela!  There you are!  We’ve been looking all over for you!  Why aren’t you at work today?   There’s a package that need’s delivering to the politically correct people of Liberalis 12!” 

Fry, who had been listening to the conversation from the rear of the ship, got up and moved to a position right behind Leela.  If he cocked his head just right he could get it in the vidphone’s field of view.

“Umm, “ he began, “Leela was kidnapped by Ivan, and I went to rescue her.  That was a few days ago now…”

“Huh-wha?”

“You know, Ivan.  That guy that stole all of your doomsday devices and tried to blow up your spaceship?”

“Don’t be silly Fry.  All of my doomsday devices are all perfectly safe.  Why, I was tinkering with the  tachyon matter disruptor just this morning.  Nothing wakes up the mad genius like the smell of tachyons decaying in the morning, oh my yes…”

By this point Farnsworth had become lost in musings of diabolical machines of death and destruction.  He wandered off camera before Fry or Leela had a chance to regain his attention.  Leela had just enough time to grumble something about senile old men and hang up, when Amy happened upon the scene.

“Umm, professor, I think you left the vidphone on again!,” she yelled from off screen.  “Hmm, I wonder who he was talking t-“    She realized who was on the other end of the line.  “Oh my gosh!  Fry!  Leela!  You’re ok?!  We were so worried about you!”

“Hi Amy, god it’s good to see you again.  Yeah, Fry and I are fine.    Fry managed to rescue me from Ivan.”

“Uhh, yeah about that Leela.  The professor wouldn’t let us come after you…  We wanted to, really we did, but by the time we had loaded up all of the professor’s things there wasn’t a trail to follow anymore.  I’m really sorry.”

Leela smiled to diffuse her friend’s tension.  “It’s ok Amy, I understand.  The professor did the right thing anyway.  Those weapons could have killed millions of people, there wasn’t any other thing you could have done.”

Amy was visibly relieved.  She had been worried that Leela would hate her forever.  “So, where are you now?”

“We’re in a shuttle headed for home.  We’ll be back at Planet Express in a day or so.”  Damn it felt good to say that…

“Oh, ok.  Do you need us to come out and meet you half way?  It looks really cramped in there.”

Fry and Leela looked at each other, and then looked over their shoulders in unison.  It would be a cramped 24 hours. The two companions turned back to the vidphone.  “No, its alright,” responded Leela.  “Fry and I can handle it.”

“Alright, if you say so.  Umm, anyway, what happened to Ivan?”  Amy was almost certain she knew the answer, but she needed someone to tell her for certain.

“Ivan’s dead Amy.  Fry…”

Fry interjected.  “I blasted him!  I was all like, rolling around on the floor and found this gun and I was like ‘hasta la vista babe!’ and he was all like kapow! Zap! Squish!”  Fry’s speech disintegrated into a series of weird noises and bodily motions as he tried to explain what had happened.  He finally hit his head on an extruding pipe and fell silent for a moment, finally retreating toward the stern with embarrassment.

Amy laughed.  It was such a relief to see her two friends safe and acting like their normal selves; Leela frosty and pretending to be as tough as granite, Fry as composed as a six year old that had just been told he was going to Luna Park for the weekend. 

Something still bothered Leela.  “Amy, did the professor ever get his devices back?”  Farnsworth had just told her that yes, his devices were safe, but that could just be an illusion brought on by senility.  “Fry told me that Farnsworth broke into the hangar on Talora to get them.”

“Oh yeah, everything’s all taken care of.  We loaded all of the professor’s stuff into the ship and took off before anyone even knew we were there.”
“So then they really are back in the planet express building?”

“Yep”

“But wasn’t the whole reason for this awful mission to get them away from the Planet Express building?”

“Heh, yeah, funny story.  The Society for Mad Scientists threatened to stop supplying President Nixon with new doomsday weapons if they couldn’t keep some for themselves, so Nixon threatened to rampage through the Supreme Court until they declared the law unconstitutional.  Doomsday devices are legal again.”

“That figures.  Actually, I would have been surprised if something like that hadn’t happened to us; it always does.” Leela sighed.  “Alright, well it’s been nice talking to you again, Amy.  Here’s our flight plan so you know where to find us if there’s a problem.  I’ll see you in a little bit”

Leela moved to break the connection, but Amy had one last thing to say.

“Wait Leela, there’s something else.”

Leela waited.

Amy gestured for Leela to turn the volume down so that Fry wouldn’t overhear.  “Did Fry tell you about how he rescued you?”

“No, not yet.  We haven’t really had the time to sit down and talk.  I can probably guess though.  You found him a ship and the professor somehow figured out where I was and programmed the ship to bring Fry to me.  I still don’t know who helped him once he got to the planet though…”

Amy was shaking her head sadly.  “Spleesh Leela, you don’t give him enough credit.  The professor figured out how to track you, but he wouldn’t let Fry try to rescue you.  You should have seen how furious Fry was.  We actually had to keep watch on the bridge the whole time he was onboard because we were afraid he’d steal the ship!  Then when we were loading the professor’s doomsday devices onto the ship I saw Fry go running for the little shuttle that was sitting in the corner.  By the time I got there he was already halfway through powering it up.  Leela, Fry stole a spaceship to come look for you.  Nobody helped him.  We all tried to stop him.  Everyone thought he’d just get himself killed.”

Leela was flat out speechless.  She had no idea… 

 “Oh.” Was all she managed.

“And, well, Leela, Fry told me something just before he took off.  He’s said it before but I never really believed it for some reason.  But, geez Leela, you should have seen him!  There was something in his eyes.  I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

“What did he say?” 

“He said he loved you.”
_____________________________ _____________________________ __________

Leela sat in the pilot seat staring into deep space and mulling over Amy’s words.  Fry was breathing lightly in the background.  Fry had told her that he loved her several times, it shouldn’t be news.  “Then why is it?”, she wondered.  The first time she had heard him say it, she had been flattered but hadn’t taken him seriously.  After all, this was Fry she was thinking about.  The only other time she had heard him say it was when he had been infested with sentient tapeworms.  It had been easy to blame them for the delivery boy’s sudden deep, coherent emotions.  Now Leela wasn’t nearly so sure.  Fry had stolen a spaceship he didn’t know how to fly and chased Leela’s captor across the galaxy.  It was even likely that it was him that challenged Ivan in orbit around Gyllegyn.  Then he had broken into Ivan’s ship in the middle of a small war to rescue her, all the while risking near certain death.  “And he did it without a second thought, just because I needed him.”  “He’d do it again too, even if I never thank him.” If that didn’t sound like love, then Leela had no idea what did.

Presently, two weeks of stress, terror, and exhaustion began to catch up to PE captain.  Leela reached out and activated the autopilot.  There was nothing between their current location and home but deep space.   The ship could be trusted to fly itself for awhile.

Leela stretched and stood up.  She could see Fry lying on his side, comatose on the ship’s only soft horizontal surface.  At first she started to sit back down, thinking to sleep in the chair, but she paused halfway through the motion.  Not giving herself any chance to change her mind, she walked the few steps to her sleeping comrade and sat down on the edge of the bed.  Being very careful not to startle him, Leela laid down on her side.  When she was sure he wouldn’t wake she rolled over and snuggled up him.  Before long an arm appeared around her waist..  Leela smiled drowsily and surrendered to the drowsiness that was slowly creeping up on her.  A moment later she was asleep. 

[Reply #310 on:]

 

“Don’t worry captain Leela, I’ll tell the jackass he slipped and fell or something.” He looked down at the limp form of his superior officer. There was no readable expression on his face, but both Fry and Leela knew that seeing Zapp unconscious on the floor was the highlight of the lieutenant’s week.

hahahahahahaha.

NOW that's the Kif that I like - bitterly sarcastic to his 'superior' officer.

That made my day.

Good work, good story.  Dr. Wernstrom may give you an 'A+'.  Ralph gives you 'two snaps up and around the world!'

[Reply #311 on:]

Nice work Solent!

The Ending was great, good level of action/romance/suspence...

I give your fanfic a 8.5/10!

[Reply #312 on:]

Veeery nice. Great ending.

And we got to see Zapp being beat up by Leela, yay! 

So, when do we get to read your next Fanfiction?
I DEMAND more!!! 

[Reply #313 on:]

Snart:  That's how I like him too, just a tiny bit less sarcastic that I usually am 

Nic2001: my fic gpa is higher than my actual one... huzzah!

Corvus: by christmas definitely 

[Reply #314 on:]

Two words: Happy Dance.

[Reply #315 on:]

Great story, soylent!  I thoroughly enjoyed it.  It felt more like a movie than an episode.  It's an agreeable take on the world that is Futurama.

[Reply #316 on:]

Oh wow!!!    It was brilliant! Shippy shippy shippy shippy shippy!!!

 

Fry and Leela looked at each other, and then looked over their shoulders in unison.

Heh, I could just picture that really well for some reason. I loved Leela beating Zapp up and of course I loved the ending!   

Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel my nitpickiness bursting forth...

 

It would be best to let her lead and? be the one to make the decisions from now on.

 

There’s a package that need’s delivering {unnecessary apostrophe)

 

exhaustion began to catch up to the PE captain

 

No, let's not let them know we’re here

 

she rolled over and snuggled up to him.

 

Before long an arm appeared around her waist

Sorry about that.   

I feel sad now; I have one less fanfic to look forward to. But then again, there's the Xmas fic, so that's one more!   

[Reply #317 on:]

Wow...what a fantastic ending.  And it was shippy!  You have excelled yourself SO!

Can't wait for the next fic     

[Reply #318 on:]

*hugs you* Shippy ending!!!  Love it!

[Reply #319 on:]

Excellent!  I was wondering if we were going to get an epilogue after all that action. Very nice, very shippy.  I look forward to your next fic.