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PEEL - The Futurama Message Board    Melllvar's Erotic Friend Fiction    a noob's first attempt at literature « previous next »
Author Topic: a noob's first attempt at literature  (Read 10407 times)
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Arkan

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #240 on: 11-28-2005 17:11 »
« Last Edit on: 11-28-2005 17:11 »

Well, it certainly doesn't seem like it's running out of steam. But I like the sound of another fanfic - I'm glad you want to keep your writing career going! The fans need writers like you!   smile

My second TOTP! But I'm too tired to dance now. Sorry.
fryismyhero

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #241 on: 11-28-2005 18:18 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentOrange:
Ive already got a couple of ideas for a new fiction when this one is over though. 

Hooray!!!
Professor Zoidy

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #242 on: 11-28-2005 19:39 »

I've written a near clomplete story myself (well, sadly I insisted I must insert myself in it  big grin)me getting my right arm slashed off... (yay for voilence!) I hate ending stories because that's the hardest part to write. Had writer's block for a few weeks on how my 7th chapter'd go... oi vey..
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #243 on: 11-28-2005 21:02 »

clool!  I'll be looking forward to reading it.  The endings are really hard arent they?  I already have the climax completed for my story (which is in desperate need of a name), but Im at a block as to what to write for the falling action...
 
Professor Zoidy

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #244 on: 11-28-2005 21:06 »

hmm... How about Julius? Or if it's a girl, use my name... Violet works fine x) I can post it sure, but am I ready for the humiliation of it all? Of course it may well be the only time I've ever written halfway decent.  wink
Tokash

Crustacean
*
« Reply #245 on: 11-29-2005 16:28 »

I've asked others for feedback on my story so it's only fair that I return the favor.

I have had the benefit of reading all the parts up to this point without having to wait for the next installment...until now.

I've really enjoyed this story, soylent.  Each part makes me want to continue and you keep the story fresh and the read interesting.  And even though this thread is currently at 7 pages, it didn't seem like it was long enough.

A critique on grammar style: 
I know how difficult it is to pace oneself in the matter of repetitious words and grammar.  In your writing, I got a feel of an underuse of character's names and an overuse of some words and phrases. 

In regards to the underuse, you try to describe the characters in more ways than just their names, i.e. Fry="the redhead", "the delivery boy".  Leela="the cyclops", "the PE captain", etc.  I remember in creative writing class how my teacher would tell us to do this very thing to keep from redundancy.  And it does work well.  But as far as the flow in reading, I get the feeling that it would be ok if you used a simple "he/him" or "she/her" a little more often than trying to force a descriptive phrase as a substitute.  It's admittedly a delicate balance.

In regards to overuse, it appeared that in a few passages I had read the same words or phrase somewhere before. Here's an example:

Part 1 Chapter 3:
"Zoidberg visibly slumped."

Part 2 Chapter 1:
"The delivery boy slumped..."

Part 2 Chapter 2:
"The PE captain visibly slumped."

Part 2 Chapter 4:
"Fry looked visibly relieved"

Part 2 Chapter 5:
"Leela visibly slumped"

Part 3 Chapter 8:
"Fry’s shoulders slumped"

I fall into this trap all the time.  In fact, I just went back to review what I had just written and realized I has used the word "feel" 5 times!  I changed a few of the instances to "seem" or "appeared".  It's not easy to catch this kind of stuff in your own writing, which is why another pair of eyes is always good.

Your positive side far outshines any grammatical quirks.  I really like your descriptive abilities.  Some examples:

Part 1 Chapter 2:
"Cute little gibberish noises were the only answer she got. Boots on, Leela walked briskly over to the door, snatched up the leash that was hanging from the brass doorknob, and smiled down at her furry black and white friend."  I like the whole descriptive interaction sequence between Nibbler and Leela that's around this narrative as well.

Part 2 Chapter 1:
"Leela’s scent still clung to the air near the console."  This simple yet telling description is difficult to portray without any dialogue if one were visually watching the series and it would probably be left out.  It adds another level of depth and richness to the written story and shows that you are placing the reader into the scene.  Good stuff!

Part 3 Chapter 3:
"The spaceport was a sprawling mass of low lying buildings and concrete runways."  A very good visual in such a short description.

Part 4 Chapter 2:
"A veritable wave of death and destruction arced away from The Minnow. Railguns clattered, lasers pulsed, and microwave emitters sent cracks and pops reverberating through the hull."  Action packed!

The plotline is also fantastic.  For someone seeming to write this on-the-fly, you certainly have a great imagination and are able to express it clearly.

I'm looking forward to the climax and denouement.  Good job!
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #246 on: 11-29-2005 17:00 »

geez I had no idea how many times I had used the word slump in my fic.  You're definately right about the repeated-phrase trap, its something I need to work on.  Thanks for the review Tokash, I needed to have those points brought to my attention.  smile
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #247 on: 11-30-2005 03:42 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentOrange:
geez I had no idea how many times I had used the word slump in my fic.  You're definately right about the repeated-phrase trap, its something I need to work on.

I wouldn't worry.  It sounds like you're just in a slump.
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #248 on: 11-30-2005 15:01 »
« Last Edit on: 11-30-2005 15:01 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by DrThunder88:
 I wouldn't worry.  It sounds like you're just in a slump.

PEEL: its puntastic!

This is the last bit of part four.  Only two parts remaining!  Now I must be off to cram for tommorow's physics test.  I havent slept in three days!  Squeeee!!!
_____________________________ _____________

Part 4:
Chapter 3

A hundred feet away on the Drakos’ bridge, Ivan was also becoming very annoyed.

“You idiots!”, he shouted at his gunners over the intercom,  “Shoot him down or I’ll throw each and every one of you out the airlock, and replace you with someone competent!”

The disgruntled arms dealer paced his bridge.  What he had once dismissed as a harmless insect had turned out to have quite a stinger.  The Drakos’ shields were at 82% and falling at a slow, but steady pace.  If his ship were to loose its shields, Ivan had no doubt that his private fighter, in the hands of the infuriating redhead, would be able to convert the Drakos quite effectively into its component atoms. 

It had been quite a surprise for Ivan to see the little needle ship turn to face him.  “I never thought for a moment that that kid would have the guts to fight me without his captain around.  What does he expect to accomplish anyway?  If he brings my shields down and destroys my ship, he also kills Leela.  If he somehow disables and disarms me, how does he expect to rescue his captain?  He wont make it very far if he tries to board my ship by himself.”  The scarred man toyed with the idea of letting his own shields down just so he could have the satisfaction of shooting Fry in the face as he came bounding out of the airlock.  “No, I cant risk it.  Better to kill him now than let take the chance of faking shield collapse, only to destroy me when he gets trigger-happy and does something stupid.”

“Sir, are you talking to me?”  The same ensign from earlier was once again standing a few feet away with that quizzical look.

“No dammit! Now get back to your station!”

Ivan turned to lieutenant Carter, who was busy rerouting power from non-critical systems to the shields.

“Lieutenant?”

“Sir?”

“Prepare to fire missile tubes one through six on my mark.”

“Yes sir!”  Carter gave a crisp salute and began fiercely pressing buttons at her console.  Ivan watched her work.  “She is a fine officer,” thought Ivan. “When this is over I will have to remember to give her a promotion.”

A few moments passed.  Lieutenant Carter finished her frantic button pushing and raised her eyes to look at her captain.  Ivan gestured her to wait.  Fry’s ship buzzed about like some giant nuclear powered gnat.  “That’s it my spiky-haired chum,” muttered the scarred man, “just a little farther to starboard and…”

Ivan brought his fist down on the arm of his captain’s chair.  “Mark!”, he roared.


Six missiles carrying kryptonium warheads shot out of the Drakos’ missile tubes.  The timing had been excellent.  One moment Fry had been flying about practically unchallenged, and then the next half a dozen blips had appeared on radar, closing rapidly from the rear.  Instinct took over before the delivery boy could process this new information.  He dodged and weaved for a good five seconds before the nature of these new objects occurred to him.

A new wave of adrenaline coursed through the delivery boy’s veins.  He tried every flying technique that Leela had taught him in an effort to get away from the incoming warheads, but the missiles matched him maneuver for maneuver.  The strain on the Minnow’s hull sent creaks and groans coursing through the little ship as it was pushed to its limits.  Fry prayed desperately to whatever god would listen that his ship wouldn’t fly apart before he could rescue his captain.

Instead of a divine miracle, Fry found himself facing another problem.  His erratic evasive maneuvers had carried him away from the Drakos for long enough that the laser turrets had locked on to him again.  Now he had to worry about the Minnow and the missiles being hit.  If one of those things was detonated by a stray shot it would be almost as bad as being hit directly. 

There was only one thing left to do, a little trick that Leela had shown him during a run in with the tyranids of the hive planet.  It was just a matter of time before the missiles caught up to him.  Fry sent his ship into one last body-wrenching turn and pointed the Minnow’s bow straight at the Drakos’ stern.  He pressed down on the triggers and sent one last, continuous wave of firepower crashing against the Drakos’ shields.  The delivery boy did not even attempt to dodge the incoming fire.  Fry needed every iota of engine power to propel him forward.  If a few shots splashed against his shields before he reached the Drakos, well it wasn’t important.  Fry doubted it would much matter how strong his shields were when those warheads went off.

It didn’t take long for Ivan to figure out what Fry had planned.  The gunners were ordered to divert their fire from the incoming ship to the missiles that followed behind.  All twelve wing-lasers sent volley after volley at the missiles that had just recently been an assurance of victory, but it was pointless.  The warheads were too small and fast to hit save by sheer luck. 

Fry’s every muscle tensed.  His entire body was drenched in sweat.  The Drakos was getting steadily closer.  The missiles narrowed in from behind.  Lasers flashed by in all directions.  Time slowed to a veritable standstill.  The missiles drew to within a kilometer.  A klaxon blared its warning of imminent collision.  The Drakos’ hull came closer, closer.  “Now!”, shouted every fiber of Fry’s being.  The delivery boy threw the engine into full reverse and pulled up on the stick so hard that it felt like it would snap.  The Minnow turned slowly, so slowly.  Six warheads vectored in for the kill.  Overhead, the Drakos’ hull closed to within 40 meters.  30.  25.  Impact!.    Everything disappeared in an orange glare.  The Minnow skipped off of the Drakos’ shields like a stone on the surface of a pond.  Six kryptonium warheads collided with the shield half a moment later.

Fry’s body was pushed into his seat by a force the likes of which the delivery boy had not imagined possible.  Ivan’s shields absorbed most of  the energy from the explosion, but buckled before the warheads’ effects could be completely nullified.  A much diminished, but still dangerous, shockwave tore into the Drakos and the Minnow.  The entire tail section of the stingray, including the engines, split off from the main body and spun away crazily.     


Up became left.  Leela momentarily found herself airborne, until a nearby wall had a chance to remind her that her species couldn’t fly.  Moments later a new vibration came through the floor, one much larger than could be explained by the throb of any engine.  It became impossible for the Cyclops to stand.  Leela allowed herself to fall to the ground.  She curled into a ball with her head between her knees and her hands on the back of her neck.  If Ivan’s ship was doing what she thought it was doing, it would be a good idea to be in the most protective posture possible.  The PE captain reminded herself that it wasn’t an uncontrolled re-entry that would kill you, it was the sudden stop at the end.
_____________________________ _____________________________ ____________

The delivery boy fought to control his mortally injured craft, but there was no response.  The almost-forgotten planet loomed larger and larger.  Soon Fry could hear the whoosh of air as the Minnow entered the atmosphere for one final flight.  A red glow appeared around the falling ship, soon building to a white-hot inferno.  The ground was closing in.  The ship was still unresponsive.  A calm, computerized voice began to speak over the ship’s comm.  “This is Charley, your personal bail-out assistant.  If you would like to eject, please pull the handle located under the front of your seat.  Thank you.”  A blinking red light appeared next to a small red handle.  Fry lunged at it.

A loud ‘whoomp’ filled the cockpit as dozens of small explosive bolts went off simultaneously throughout the Minnow.  An airtight bulkhead slammed shut just inches behind the pilot’s seat.  Somewhere under Fry’s feet a rocket fired, propelling the cockpit away from the doomed Minnow.  Drag fins deployed to slow the careening escape pod.  Sensors waited for the flames of re-entry to die down, and finally signaled for the release of the parachute.  There was a terrific jolt, and Fry breathed a sigh of relief to see the ground approaching at a much more reasonable rate.  In the distance the delivery boy could see a small explosion as his faithful Minnow found its final resting place.  Overhead and to the rear, an angry plume of smoke marked the re-entry of a much larger vessel.  Ivan’s ship had also succumbed to the seductive pull of gravity. 

The infuriatingly calm Charley began speaking again, “In case of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.  Please keep your seatbelt fastened and your tray table in the upright position until the vehicle comes to a complete stop...”
Corvus

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #249 on: 11-30-2005 15:33 »

Loved it!

Had a good laugh at:

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentOrange:
Fry’s ship buzzed about like some giant nuclear powered gnat
It's just getting better and better.. can hardly wait for the two remaining parts.

And as always; Ahhh!! The Supense!  big grin

"Finding your true love is like winning the lottery, it always happens to someone else."
Crash_7

Professor
*
« Reply #250 on: 11-30-2005 18:30 »

Once again outstanding, sO.  You have a definite knack for describing an action sequence.  It felt like I could actually see it.
Arkan

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #251 on: 11-30-2005 20:22 »
« Last Edit on: 11-30-2005 20:22 »

Wow, this is really getting good! Adrenalin rush!

Some great humour in here too, I especially liked

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentorange:
Up became left. Leela momentarily found herself airborne, until a nearby wall had a chance to remind her that her species couldn’t fly.

Looking forward to the last two parts!   big grin
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #252 on: 11-30-2005 23:38 »

thanks for the comments guys.  smile  Hey this is completely random, but does anyone know what Zoidberg means?  Its something like a jew that eats pork or something.  Billy West mentions it in an episode commentary somewhere I think.  My roommate asked me while we were watching adult swim tonight, and I know this is going to bug me until i hear the answer...
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #253 on: 11-30-2005 23:56 »

OhManOhManOhManOhMan!!!!!!!  *spontaneously combusts*
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #254 on: 12-01-2005 04:57 »

 
Quote
“Sir, are you talking to me?” The same ensign from earlier was once again standing a few feet away with that quizzical look.

One of those lessons villains never learn: Don't muse about your evilness out loud.  Brilliant.  I also like the "friendly reminder from the wall"-bit.

I like it, esso.  You're doing a great job.
Dorian

Crustacean
*
« Reply #255 on: 12-01-2005 14:33 »

Just wanted to drop a line or two. I read back most of your stuff and really like it.
Keep it up, fanfics like these keep Futurama alive.
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #256 on: 12-02-2005 00:15 »

Dont you dare spontaneously combust Venus!  You still have a fan fiction to finish writing!  big grin 

Glad you liked it thunder.  Its amazing what a caffeine high will do for my writing style neh?

hey Dorian, welcome to PEEL! 
Leo

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #257 on: 12-02-2005 10:04 »
« Last Edit on: 12-02-2005 10:04 »

Hey man. Feel free to send me any new stuff once you get it in the works (as long as its caffine inspired!)   smile Its always great to find your writing in my inbox; it gives me a good excuse not to do uni work and I can relax and read it with a good cup o' tea.

Oh, and many welcomes to Dorian!
Tokash

Crustacean
*
« Reply #258 on: 12-02-2005 11:32 »

Loved the new stuff, soylent!

Once again you prove your ability to manifest your vivid imagination into words.

Darn it, now I'm in the bandwagon-of-waiting.  I wish I had discovered this a month or so later so I would be able to read the whole thing without stopping.
Ralph Snart

Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #259 on: 12-02-2005 11:57 »

Tokash, if you want to read perhaps one of the best long-term, drawn-out-over-two-years fics, Layla's 'Fry's Choice' is one for the records.  If you decide to read it, take a few hours - it's that long, and hopefully soon-to-be updated and finished.

If you go to Futurama-Madhouse - Dave Vincent's 'Background Noise' is excellant, and of course, anything by Kenneth (Kif) White rules.

A lot of good quality writing is out there - SO is just starting, but he may end up being in that highly esteemed group of fic writers that I just mentioned.

Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now.
Layla50

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #260 on: 12-02-2005 12:55 »

Aw, you're too sweet, Ralph. In fairness, I only joined PEEL last October, the same day I started writing my enormous monstrosity, so it's only been drawn out over just over a year.  wink

In an on topic note, always nice to see another good fanfic writer, SO. I haven't sat down and read it yet, but I will eventually!
Ralph Snart

Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #261 on: 12-02-2005 13:19 »

Oops, sorry, Layla, I thought that it had been two years - my bad.  I've only been here since July of this year, and I found your story by accident - I found it from a pic of Leela sitting next to Fry's unconscious body on FM/TLZ and asked around.  I have since lost that pic when my hard drive did a melt down back in late August (so if anybody knows the artist, then I can find the pic again).


Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now.
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #262 on: 12-02-2005 16:26 »
« Last Edit on: 12-02-2005 16:26 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Leo:
Its always great to find your writing in my inbox; it gives me a good excuse not to do uni work and I can relax and read it with a good cup o' tea.

That's the problem, writing is such a good excuse to not be studying or doing whatever Im supposed to be doing.  Recently I've had to barricade myself in the school library away from the computer to keep myself studying physics instead of writing.   big grin  I'm in a bit of a lull between exam weeks now so maybe I'll get a chance to write this weekend, especially if we get hammered with snow like we're supposed to...  *please let monday be a snow day.*
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #263 on: 12-02-2005 16:34 »
« Last Edit on: 12-02-2005 16:34 »

Hey, whadya know, I actually remembered to copy my fic to my usb key and bring it home with me!  I kinda left you guys hanging with the last section, so I thought Id make up for it by posting this little tidbit of part 5.  Warning: may contain corny jokes!

(oh, and sorry about the double post)
_____________________________ __________________

Part 5: Retribution
Chapter 1


   The little escape pod came to rest in the boughs of what looked remarkably like a terrestrial oak.  A hiss of air filled the cockpit, and the canopy popped free.  Charley, who had been cheerily instructing the poor delivery boy on the escape pod’s safety features ever since the Minnow’s cockpit had been jettisoned, informed Fry that the air was breathable.  “It has been a pleasure serving you, and we hope to see you again.  Thanks for choosing Ivanair.”  Fry scurried out of the craft as fast as he could, desperate to get away from the irritating computerized voice.

It was a long way down to solid ground.  Fry spent a couple of tense minutes climbing through foliage and shimmying down the trunk.  About five feet off the ground he lost his grip, and suddenly found himself falling through the air.  He landed on his ass.  Fry stood up and brushed himself off.   A quick check of his body yielded no injuries.  “Like Leela always says, any landing you can walk away from is a good one.”  The redhead stretched his stiff muscles and took one last look at the remains of the craft that had ferried him halfway across the galaxy.  The joke finally sank in.  “Buahahaha!”  Fry pointed at the little ship and laughed uncontrollably.  “Cha…  Charley…  Charley’s in the trees!”
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #264 on: 12-02-2005 23:10 »

Charley's in the trees? I don't get it.
parasite?

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #265 on: 12-02-2005 23:43 »

Yeah, me neither... sorry.

The suspense is killing me. GAAAAHHHH!!!!11
Benders_Fan

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #266 on: 12-03-2005 00:05 »

Wow that's good Soylent.I don't get the "Charley's in the trees"part,but everything else is good.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #267 on: 12-03-2005 02:52 »

I'm guessing it is some sort of Vietnam reference.  That being said, I almost feel like that joke could have been forgone in favor of a simpler one (e.g. “Like Leela always says, any landing you can walk away from is a good one.”  Unfortunately, as the redhead turned to walk away, his foot got caught on a protruding tree root, causing his second crash landing of the day.)

You people and your school work.  Learn to prioritize [for my benefit] darn it!

I won't bore you with the usual rigamaroll.  The shortness and that last joke were the only things that caused any sort of problems for me.
Arkan

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #268 on: 12-03-2005 07:48 »

Nah, I don't get the 'Charley in the trees' thing either. I'm glad it's not just me.  tongue And I like DrT's suggestion!

This part was too short really to make any other sort of comments, so I'll just say that I'm looking forward to the next.  smile
Corvus

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #269 on: 12-03-2005 07:56 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentOrange:
he joke finally sank in. “Buahahaha!” Fry pointed at the little ship and laughed uncontrollably. “Cha… Charley… Charley’s in the trees!”

Yep, that is a Vietnam war reference;

The nickname "Charlie" used by US servicemen in the Vietnam War is derived from "Victor Charlie", the NATO phoneticism of the initials of Viet Cong, the armed insurgents in the Republic of Vietnam (South Vietnam).

Found at the bottom of this page;
 http://www.reference.com/browse/wiki/NATO_phonetic_alphabet

"Finding your true love is like winning the lottery, it always happens to someone else."
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #270 on: 12-03-2005 08:50 »

aww man, I spent so much time setting that joke up.  I knew only the American PEELers would get it, but you guys are missing it too! 
parasite?

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #271 on: 12-03-2005 09:04 »

Ohhhhhohoh... Now I feel stupid.
Ol´coot

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #272 on: 12-03-2005 12:30 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by soylentOrange:
aww man, I spent so much time setting that joke up.  I knew only the American PEELers would get it, but you guys are missing it too! 

Great updates SO! I imagine most of the American PEELers are too young to get the Charlie reference!


Set ye Zapp in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten and die.

II Yosemite 11:15
Corvus

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #273 on: 12-03-2005 12:43 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Ol'coot:
Great updates SO! I imagine most of the American PEELers are too young to get the Charlie reference!

I got it.. does that mean I'm old?   smile

"Finding your true love is like winning the lottery, it always happens to someone else."
Leo

Delivery Boy
**
« Reply #274 on: 12-03-2005 16:18 »

Hey, I got it too, but I really didn't think people would have trouble with it. I thought 'charlie' as a term for an enemy soldier was common knowledge... ah well, I digress. Any reason why the update was so short sO?
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #275 on: 12-03-2005 17:13 »
« Last Edit on: 12-03-2005 17:13 »

@Leo: yeah I kinda thought 'charlie' was a mainstream term too.  Its in like every 'nam movie ever created.  The update was short because Im pondering changing the next part.  There's that bit in there about a certain spaceship's loudspeaker that is bordering on dangerously cheesy...  wink

@Corvus: I'm only nineteen, so its not like you have to be in your thirties to get it.
Ralph Snart

Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #276 on: 12-03-2005 17:17 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by Ol'coot:

 Great updates SO! I imagine most of the American PEELers are too young to get the Charlie reference!


I have to agree with Ol' coot - us older PEEL'ers would remeber who/what Charlie was, but anybody under 35 may not have been exposed to the term.

But you did good working it into the story.


Okay you cunts, let's see what you can do now.
Professor Zoidy

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #277 on: 12-04-2005 14:43 »

Decent, but too short  eek MORE!!!  big grin
soylentOrange

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #278 on: 12-04-2005 18:33 »
« Last Edit on: 12-04-2005 18:33 »

Good news everyone!

I just finished the very last piece of the fic (which desperately needs a name)!  Once Leo gets through with it, I'll start postinng it.  Only a handful of chapters left!
_____________________________ __________________

Part 5
Chapter 2

A few minutes later Fry was running through the forest in, so he hoped, the direction of Ivan’s crashed ship.  A dense hardwood forest blocked any good view of the sky, but Fry thought he could see a plume of smoke through tiny gaps in the canopy.  Before long the panting redhead came across a broad clearing.  With the trees gone, Fry could see a little more of the world he had been cast onto.  A range of small mountains, little more than glorified hills really, reared their heads a few miles ahead.  Two columns of smoke rose skyward, a small one to Fry’s left, and a large one straight ahead on the other side of the mountains.  The smaller, and closer, plume was probably from the Minnow.  The other one could only be from Ivan’s ship, or an unbelievably coincidental forest fire.  “Well, I’d better get going,” Fry said cheerily to himself.  The delivery boy started running again, straight for the big smoke column.

Running through wild forest is not an easy thing to do, especially when you’re clumsy and out of shape.  Fry was only able to run a half mile before lack of stamina, coupled with low hanging tree limbs, forced him to slow to a walk.  To make matters worse, the sun started to go down six hours after the crash.  An exhausted, not to mention scratched and bruised, Fry finally had to stop for the night when the darkness sent him blundering straight into a mass of brambles.  This particular planet had no moon, and the starlight was feeble at best.  There was no way Fry was going to get to Ivan’s ship before he became hopelessly lost in the dark. 

This was the first time that Fry had ever had to spend a night in the woods alone.  The closest thing he had ever come to roughing it was the trip through the desert on Talora, and even then there were tents and hot meals.  “Ok, I can do this.  All I have to do is remember what they taught me in webelos.  First, make a shelter.”  Fry could just barely make out a couple of boulders that formed a tiny cave between them.  “Ok check.  How about water?”  A quick search of the makeshift campsite yielded a face-plant in the dirt courteous of a badly placed tree root, but no water.   “Nope, no water.  Next up, food.”  Fry looked around him.  He couldn’t see more than a dozen paces in any direction, and there was no way he was going to go wandering away from his ‘shelter’.  “Ooh! I’ve got it!”  The redhead reached down and picked up a short stick.  “It’ll be just like the old webelos days, before they kicked me out.”  Fry put the hunk of wood in his mouth and bit down.  He chewed for a moment, grimaced, and spit the stuff out.  “Oh man, yuck!  That’s not oak, its maple!”

.One cold and lonely night later, the delivery boy emerged from between his two boulders and yawned.  Fry was cold, sore in places he didn’t know existed, and ravishingly hungry.  “Yep, that’s a typical campout for ya,” thought Fry as he tried to stretch out the kinks in his spine.

With the sun up, Fry continued his hike.  A bush covered in tiny spherical red berries came into view after a few minutes.  “Alright! Food!”  The starving redhead rushed over to stuff his face, but paused before he could shove the tiny fruit into his mouth.  “Wait, what was that rhyme I used to know?  Red berries fuel your cells, blue berries ring funeral bells?  Or was it, blue berries are good on bread, red ones will kill you dead?  Hmm…”   Fry pondered for a moment, then shrugged.  “Oh well.  Down the hatch!”

Fry started walking again.  The ground became steeper and more treacherous.  By the time Fry reached the summit of the mountain he was climbing on all fours and wheezing loudly.  A few feet from the top he took a moment to catch his breath.  Long experience told Fry that cresting a mountain peak on an unknown planet nearly always resulted in a sight that led to a collective gasp from everyone present.  He knew that if that happened now while he was out of breath, he would end up passed out on the ground.

 When the delivery boy was breathing a bit more easily he stood up and climbed the last dozen or so feet.  As expected, he gasped loudly. 

Fry had had a good idea as to what to expect.  In the best case scenario, Ivan’s ship would be badly damaged, at worst it would be a smoldering crater.  Reality was somewhere in between.  The stingray shape was completely gone now.  The entire front quarter of the ship had buckled in on itself like some gigantic aluminum can crushed underfoot.  Pieces of debris littered the ground all around the crash site.  One wing lay upside-down a quarter-mile away.  An ugly hole near the rear of what was left of the main ship still belched a thin streamer of foul black smoke.  Fry could just barely make out people in brown uniforms running to and fro.

A sigh of relief escaped from the redhead.  People had survived the crash.  That meant there was hope that he could still rescue Leela.

“Heeya!” A purple haired missile flung itself at the door for the hundredth time.  Leela’s kick connected squarely with the target.  The door still refused to give way.  ”Ugh!  I am so sick of this!  I want out of here dammit!”  The frustrated PE captain gave up her futile assault and paced her tiny room. 

The crash had been spectacular.  Even though Leela hated him or her with a passion at the moment, she couldn’t help but respect the skill of whoever had been driving this godforsaken ship.  Somehow the pilot had used the aerodynamic properties of the vessel to create some lift, preventing the spaceship from crashing into the ground at a deadly speed.  Still, when the impact had come it had been a doosy.  The ship’s bow crumpled in a fraction of a second.  All personnel that had not heeded Ivan’s order to retreat into the center of the ship were crushed instantly.  Leela had been thrown about her cell like an action figure in a washing machine.  Luckily she had been in a protective body position, or things would have gotten very ugly.  Leela only wished that the toilet had not been there with her.  A layer of dirty water now coated every surface of the room.

Ivan appeared an hour or so after the crash.  What Leela had rightly guessed was a door creaked open with a shower of sparks.  The scarred arms dealer walked into the room and pointed a very ugly weapon at the  yclops.  He was obviously not a very happy person at the moment.  Cuts and scrapes crisscrossed his face, there was a second degree burn on his right hand, and a purple bruise across his face, neck, and presumably chest, marked the instant when a restraint of some kind had saved his life. 

“You survived the crash did you?  Alright then, you purple-haired pain-in-the-ass, listen up.  You’re red-headed friend has proven to be a bigger problem that I gave him credit for.  Luckily the little trick he used to knock us out of the sky also did the same number on him.  If he managed to eject before the impact killed him, he’ll most likely do the stupid thing and walk straight here.”

“Fry is here?!”  Leela was astonished, partly to hear that not only had Fry survived, but also come to her rescue.  Mostly however, she was astonished that Ivan would have any reason to let her know.  “Wait, why are you telling me this?”

 “Simple, my dear.  As soon as my scouts spot Fry, I’ll have you led out into the open and tied to a tree.  You’re a smart woman, you’d have realized I was using you as bait, and who was being baited.  This way however, I got to see your expression when I told you your dear friend was still alive.  That will make the expression you make upon seeing Fry blown to bits so much more delectable.  I told you once before that you would watch your shipmates gunned down in front of you.  Unfortunately there was no time on Talora for me to carry out my promise without ending up dead myself.  That is why I dragged you halfway across the galaxy, you see.  Now I have another chance to get my revenge.  I was hoping that your whole crew would be involved, but Fry will have to do.”

“Go f*&k yourself.”

Ivan laughed and walked out of the room.  The door closed behind him with a creak.

Ever since that moment Leela had been trying to escape.  She knew full well that her slow-minded friend would fall for Ivan’s trick, and she had to escape before the trap could be set.  “If it wasn’t for this damned invincible door…”

As if on queue, the door creaked open again.  Two burly men came in armed to the teeth.  Leela was still in midair when thug one raised a weapon and shot her square in the neck.  A tiny dart injected its toxic cargo into her bloodstream.  The PE captain’s suddenly unresponsive body collided with her target. 

Thug one spent the next several seconds cursing as he tried to extricate himself from his assailant.  Thug two just stood there and laughed at his companion, not even attempting to help.  When thug one could finally stand again, he walked over to the limp woman and gave her a savage kick in the side.  Dignity restored, he nodded to his still-chuckling buddy. Thug two bent down and grabbed the fallen woman around the waist.  He tossed her over his shoulder and followed thug one out the door.
Professor Zoidy

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #279 on: 12-04-2005 21:36 »
« Last Edit on: 12-04-2005 21:36 »

Hmm.. saw a few typos. You forgot the "c" in cyclops and had an unneeded comma near the beginning.. as fopr the name, something to do with Ivan... Ive got nothing, and usually I'm the one that comes up with those corny titles everyone loves... :hmph: Hmm. How About: Ivan Sucks? (kidding honestly) In an ironic twist, my story also includes the "go *bleep* yourself" reference, only Leela wields a lightsaber and swings it while saying that word.    wink Here's that comma typo. Or it seems wrong to me "The smaller, and closer, plume was probably from the Minnow" Anywho, loveing it, and hope there are many more fanfics to come from you. I've read only this one, and man, you've had me hooked. T'will be a sad day for us all to see it end.
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