Yours truelys fan fiction

[on:]

heres what i got now. alot mores comin in the moring. right now i need sleep.

      
Opening title: now on TV!

Fry sleeping at apartment.
Bender (barging into “closet”): FRY! FRY! Your never gonna believe this! I got a new dent remover for my chest!
Fry: Bender! Its 3:00 am!
Bender: so you don’t care! You skinbags are always going after me! Note to self: kill all humans.
Fry: Oy! I cant take it any more! Last week you had to get me out at midnight because you saw the robot mafia! And it was the milk man who you ended up beating!
Bender: fry! He was a human! You now: kill all humans?
Fry: well I don’t care! I’m going to a motel!!!
Bender: but…fry…were roommates!
Fry: goodbye bender!
Fry walks into a motel.
Fry: how much for a night?
Front desk: $87 is our cheapest.
Fry: $87! What if I just sleep outside? How much is that?
Front desk: free… I guess.
Fry: ahah! (walks out) I’ve still got it.

FREEZE! Superfly agent of the F.S.B!

Thou Shalt Not Spam-
The 11th Commandment

[Reply #1 on:]

cool man

[Reply #2 on:]

I like it

[Reply #3 on:]

Good yeah well done

[Reply #4 on:]

Made me laugh!

[Reply #5 on:]

One of the many event that probally took place but wasn't long enough for an episode. To that I say well done

[Reply #6 on:]

Before I post my thoughts, SORF:

• Is English your primary language?
• Are you under 15 years old?

[Reply #7 on:]

Finally! almost a week and I actualy continue something!!!! any way here it is:
Opening title: now on TV!

Fry sleeping at apartment.
Bender (barging into “closet”): FRY! FRY! Your never gonna believe this! I got a new dent remover for my chest!
Fry: Bender! Its 3:00 am!
Bender: so you don’t care! You skinbags are always going after me! Note to self: kill all humans.
Fry: Oy! I cant take it any more! Last week you had to get me out at midnight because you saw the robot mafia! And it was the milk man who you ended up beating!
Bender: fry! He was a human! You now: kill all humans?
Fry: well I don’t care! I’m going to a motel!!!
Bender: but…fry…were roommates!
Fry: goodbye bender!
Fry walks into a motel.
Fry: how much for a night?
Front desk: $87 is our cheapest.
Fry: $87! What if I just sleep outside? How much is that?
Front desk: free… I guess.
Fry: ahah! (walks out) I’ve still got it.

Fry: I still got (leaves lobby)
(fry goes to an alley where there are rob-bos, hobos, a refreshing crack vending machine and a scary door poster)
Fry gets in recycle bin
Fry: ya see in my day, when i had too sleep outside we didn't have the luxury of pillows
Hobo: thats a cat!
(cat screeches and gets up)
Fry: Do your job! doesn't government make you work!
Hobo: names Kyle, are you new to the whole trancient deal?
Fry: well sort off. haven't had an alley house since 21-23. and i'll tell the rent was too high! anyway i'm Fry.
Kyle: nice ta meet cha' fry!
morning:
fry: so kyle where you from?
Kyle: Atlanta
Fry: but didn't Atlanta sink?
Kyle: yeah.. you see i'm from the...past.
fry pauses for a few seconds then says "me to" in a stupid voice. like the one in the honking
next scene you see Fry and kyle walking through a street:
Fry: so what was your assighned career?
Kyle: writer.
Fry: *whistle* how'd you lose it?
Kyle: well its a long story, but to put it simple I'll just say crack and hookers aren't things you should have on PBS childrens hour.
Fry: No way!
Kyle: its true, they fired me after the elmo becomes an addict.
next scene at PE
Hermes: where da hell is fry!
Leela: who cares?
Bender:*swears under breath about fry*
Fry walks in
Fry: what up?
Hermes: what is 'up' is that your later than a koala in Ghana!
Fry: i had too walk!
Leela: why?
Fry: well....Bender and I...kinda had a....fight.
Bender sits up ans says: today is...uhh...Yom Killpor! I cant work. I gotta go home.
Fry: Bender sure is acting weird latley!
Hermes: what excactly has he done?
Fry explains
Hermes: hahahha! dont you see Fry? all robots go through this at about benders age.
Fry: what?
Hermes: robot puberty!
DUNDUNDUN! end of act 1! I'd love some advice at moleman742@sbcglobal.net

more coming soon!
------------------
are you iron man?
nurdbot did it!

[Reply #8 on:]

that was act 1! hope you enjoyed it!

FREEZE! Superfly agent of the F.S.B!

Thou Shalt Not Spam-
The 11th Commandment

[Reply #9 on:]

Good Job. It was funny.

[Reply #10 on:]

welcome too PEEL steve!As a PEELer you are now a member of the nerd world! you are now a social outcast! enjoy your stay! and more is coming

[Reply #11 on:]

Thanks for the welcome sorf. Is there anything I really ought to knwo before posting a story of my own?

[Reply #12 on:]

use real words and write in the style i used (its the most popular

[Reply #13 on:]

Write more,I like it.

[Reply #14 on:]

thanks! more IS coming!!!

[Reply #15 on:]

As you haven't answered DrT88's question I will just assume that you are over 15 and that English is your first language.
I think the idea is good and I would like to see where you are going with this whole robot puberty thing (could be kind of like a Vulcan PonFar thing).

Having said that one of the criticisms is that there are lots of spelling errors etc. e.g.
Your and  you are: there is a difference!
assigned
and start with capital letters after a ":"
...

I just think if you want people to make the effort to read your work then you should take the time and check for obvious mistakes.

Secondly I think the plot needs some work too. I mean if you read the first part again, Bender isn't really the one who starts the fight, it's more Fry I would say. And Bender saying something like kill all humans that's something he would say all the time - not necessarily an inidication for something weird going on.

Sorry if I was being a bit harsh but I'm just trying to be more helpful like a simple "Great!".


Edit: Got my italics wrong

[Reply #16 on:]

I'll make the same assumptions PG did.

SORF, you call that an act?  You've written two minutes of dialog.

I like the idea of a robot "coming of age" (what a Bot Mitzvah celebrates, I suppose), and there are a great number ways this story could develop, but you're not giving us a whole lot to work with.  Your spelling is bad and your formatting is hard to follow, both could be solved by proofreading before posting.

It could be a very good story, but you need to put a lot of effort into it.  I recommend writing the entire story before posting it, but the big guns on this forum seem to write in segments.  I have to imagine, however, that they know exactly where their stories are going.  So if you don't have a fairly specific outline of major plot points for your story, you could be in for a world of literary hurt.

[Reply #17 on:]

This is way better than my story! 

[Reply #18 on:]

later bender at strip club with Fender.
fender: whats the matter bender? live a little!
bender: ahhhh....i dont know fender. it all seems so pointless now.
fender: whats the matter with you! get up their and shake what your maker gave ya!
Bender:....i dont know.....
fender pushes bender up
Bender (suddenly changing back to normal self) WHOOO! bring me some love 5.0!!!
hookerbot: would you like to continue this 5.0 simulation or upgrade to my new 6.2?
bender: bring on the new! WOOOOOOOO! 6.2!!!!!!!!!!
inside view of benders head, a circut box marked UPGRADES reads below DOWNLOADING PUBERTY....REPLACING LOVABLE RASCAL.
THWANG! (sound comes from bender).
bender (REALLY loud): WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
fender: hey bender get down here!
hookerbot: credit is no longer valid. come back when you have some money.
bender: ah crap.
outside:
bender: now that was fun!
fender: i knew you'd like it!
bender: but i feel different....i gotta get some rest. see you later fender
fender: keep it easy!

[Reply #19 on:]

Wow,good story

[Reply #20 on:]

Benders_Fan do you know how to write more then half of a sentence?

SORF, if you put up a fan fiction on PEEL you are going to get reviews. And no matter how you ignore with them, they will keep coming! If you just wanted some n00b to keep praising you because she's too oblivious to the real world then why'd you post in the first place?

[Reply #21 on:]

 

Originally posted by Spacedal11:
Benders_Fan do you know how to write more then half of a sentence?

SORF, if you put up a fan fiction on PEEL you are going to get reviews. And no matter how you ignore with them, they will keep coming! If you just wanted some n00b to keep praising you because she's too oblivious to the real world then why'd you post in the first place?

fine! thanks! all rest of episode coming at once. hope you enjoy!!!

FREEZE! Superfly agent of the F.S.B!

Thou Shalt Not Spam-
The 11th Commandment

[Reply #22 on:]

its a nice start Sorf!  But, like Thunder said, there's not much here...