The Weirdo and the Writer Make a Story

[on:]

Hello all. If you are Layla, Venus, JBERGES, or Thunder then you might have an idea of what this thread is about. If you aren't then you're lost. I came up with a story idea and Gorky is going to be my partner in crime and help me write it. For a short while this thread is just going to be me and Gorky's communication unless her email works. However, we hope to make a story that'll kick someone's ass. I'm gonna shut up now. Enjoy this progress, cause it'll be interesting. 

[Reply #1 on:]

Yeah, what she said!

Anyway, here's the introduction (that even Spacedal hasn't seen yet...ooo). I don't think it's quite as wacky as the other stuff I've written, which is a good thing, considering the tone of the story, and the subject matter. So, um, here's what I have so far. About a scene-and-a-half. Um, enjoy, I guess.

---------------

Oxford’s English Dictionary defines war as, “a sustained contest between rivals or campaign against something undesirable”. Webster’s calls it, “a state of hostility, conflict, or antagonism”. And yet a third tome, Zapp Brannigan’s Big Book of War, refers to the violent display as, quote, “that thing I always win”.

Now normally the DOOP Captain’s egotism would disgust one Turanga Leela, but, on this occasion, she really hoped the pompous dumb ass was right.

As you can see, war can drive a person to some pretty crazy lengths.

------------                                           

It all started with a sneeze.

Leela, Fry, and Bender had been sent on yet another tedious mission to some planet no one really cared about. This time, the crew was en route to Benadryl 47, a world located in the Antihistamine Quadrant. The denizens of Benadryl 47 were known germophobes, and their fear of anything unsanitary led most of them to live like celibate hermits. This explained why very few Earthicans had ever heard of the place. It also explained why the residents always looked so grumpy in Benadryl 47’s travel brochures.

So, everything was going along rather smoothly. Metaphorically speaking. Literally speaking, things were actually going along rather bumpily. You see, Leela had made the mistake of assuming that nothing would go wrong for the duration of the mission. Of course, as we all know, this is never the case when it comes to, well, everything in life. As it were, the Planet Express ship happened to hit a meteor shower. Which normally wouldn’t have been all that big a problem for Leela to handle. Had she been able to devote her full attention to piloting the ship, that is.

But, that wasn’t the case. Because, as Leela had learned the hard way over her tenure at Planet Express, it was impossible to get any real work done with Fry and Bender around. And, at the moment, the dynamic duo was displaying the exact qualities that had caused Leela to contemplate murder several times in the last four years. Namely, the two slackers were participating in one of their ritual drinking games. The theme, you ask? Why, every time a big flaming rock passed by the ship’s window, Fry and Bender took a shot of whatever concoction the robot happened to have in his chest cabinet. Needless to say, it was a great way to get drunk quickly.

“Oh, there’s another one!” Fry exclaimed, pointing out the meteor that had just whizzed by the vessel. He then proceeded to take a swig of tonic from a bottle that sat between the two drunkards.

In between her deft steering of the spacecraft through the barrage of flying rocks, Leela addressed the bosom buddies with a simple, “Cut it out, you two.”

Obviously, the half-hearted command had no effect on either Fry or Bender. So, the next time around, Leela ordered them in the most menacing voice she could muster, given the circumstances.

“Stop it, both of you! We need to devote our full attention to this mission!”

That sounded intimidating enough, or so Leela thought. She soon discovered that she had jumped the gun on that one.

“Why?” Fry asked, displaying some uncharacteristic, well, guts.

A slightly miffed Leela replied to this query when the storm permitted it. “Because the harder we work, the sooner we can get back home.”

“Why would we want to do that?” Bender asked, displaying some uncharacteristic, well, interest.

“Because the sooner we get back home, the sooner I can get away from you two,” Leela replied under her breath.

“Huh?” he coworkers asked in unison.

“Never mind,” she moaned. “Just go back to your—”

Leela was cut off by a sudden jolt within the ship, a jolt that sent both Fry and Bender flying towards the helm. Leela managed to prevent the two from soaring right through the front window, using the quick reflexes she had developed from years of beating up chumps.

However, her dialogue with the two morons had cost them all dearly.

The space rock assault had severely damaged the Planet Express ship, as evidenced by the way it began to shake from side to side violently. The crew’s only hope was to dock with another ship, and fast. As luck would have it, another vessel appeared on the horizon. A familiar vessel. 

The Nimbus.

“Oh dear lord,” Leela bemoaned upon the sight of the spacecraft.

“Uh-oh…that’s Zapp Brannigan’s ship,” Fry commented as the shaking rocket jostled him back and forth. “Does this mean we’re not gonna dock with it?”

“No, Fry,” Leela replied. Although, honestly, she hadn’t even really heard his question. Leela had learned, after four years of friendship, that the best possible answer to any of Fry’s questions was always a negative one. Whether he was asking her out on a date, or asking her to pull his head out of one of the urinals at Elzar’s.

Thankfully, Leela’s answer was actually pertinent to the situation. I mean, she may have loathed the DOOP’s sorry excuse for a leader, but she sure as hell loved living a lot more than she hated Zapp. Which is really saying a lot.

“Then, um, do you maybe want to dock with the Nimbus? Like, now?” Fry pulled Leela out of her reverie.

“Oh, yeah, right,” she said, struggling to regain some control over the Planet Express ship. It took a lot of effort, but the captain managed to reach the area where the prestigious freighter that was the Nimbus drifted idly.

Meanwhile, in said prestigious freighter, Captain Zapp Brannigan was sitting around, doing absolutely nothing. In other words, it was business as usual. Suddenly, a bright red light began to flash frantically right before his eyes. He jumped out of the chair he had been sitting in, and proceeded to take cover behind it.

“Kif, explain this sudden cacophony of…scary buzzy noises!” Brannigan demanded of his lieutenant.

Kif sighed. “It’s simply the alarm, informing us of a ship preparing to dock with the Nimbus, Captain.”

“Oh,” Zapp said, relieved. “What moron suggested such a stupid thing?”

“You did, sir,” Kif informed him.

“Oh, right,” the captain said. “Brilliant idea, if I do say so myself. Which I do. Say, who’s the lucky lady of a ship that shall have the honor to dock with the handsomest vessel in all the land?”

Kif pressed a button on the console next to him, revealing the identity of the ship on a monitor before Zapp.

“Ah, the Planet Express ship. That means I have a female caller. Yes. The finest female caller this side of the sexy beast that is Zapp Brannigan. Take notes, Kif,” the sexy beast intoned.

-----------------

Comments, as always, are welcome. As is criticism. 'Cause if we can't kick your ass, then at least feel free to kick mine.

P.S.: Say, Spacedal, which one's the weirdo and which one's the writer?

[Reply #2 on:]

 

P.S.: Say, Spacedal, which one's the weirdo and which one's the writer?

Very good question. One that I don't think will ever be answered without a very complicated explination.

I liked the intro Gork. I think that we could go with this then hit it with this big dramatic switch (but there's still comedy in there). I had ideas but they all slipped my mind when I read the intro. Ok well let me try and remember...

• How about this big misunderstanding Zap has with whatever aliens we choose to be the enemy. He sends his men in and attacks them innocently. Then they retaliate by attacking earth a few days later.
• For some time during the war, no one can leave earth (Hense where the War of the Worlds refrences come in).
• ...a dog should be in there somewhere...

I've lost my train of thought. No! Found it again...no it's gone. It'll come back.

[Reply #3 on:]

Glad you liked it, Spacedal. I'm gonna put the rest of my ideas for this story in spoiler territory. So, um, nobody read it except for Spacedal!

Show spoiler

I definitely want to get into the drama soon. My idea of where to go from here is that Fry, Leela, and Bender enter the ship, and are forced by Zapp to explain the mission they are on. He decides to tag along. He helps the PE crew make the delivery, but, for some reason that I have yet to explain, he sneezes on one of the germophobic leaders (hence the, "it all began with a sneeze" part). Realizing his mistake, Zapp can then send his men in, and misunderstandings galore can ensue. I definitely would like to use that idea of yours, because it seems like it would be interesting to write and stuff.

Also, I've never seen War of the Worlds (or read it...I'm terrible, I know), so you might have to help me when it comes to that part of the fic.

Oh yeah, and I [heart] doggies.

Just tell me what you think, and I'll try not to let you down.

[Reply #4 on:]

I knew you had never seen it. I just knew. Don't worry I'll tell you the parts that I'd like to reuse from the movie.

And you need to stop pressuring yourself. Stop saying you're gonna let me down. Because if I'd of thought that you would let me down, I would not have asked you. You should know.

I like the idea you have. So I give you my stamp of approval. I'm cleaning out boxes in my room so this is why I'm not immediately replying. Sorry.

[Reply #5 on:]

Yeah...and I knew you'd expect there to be War of the Worlds stuff. I just knew. (Dude, we're like all, y'know, psychic! Zing!)

And I'll try to stop with the pressuring. No, I will stop with the pressuring, dammit!

*The music swells, as does Gorky's ego*

And, now that I have said stamp of approval, I'll work on the next section of this story. If all goes as planned, I should have it up either today or tomorrow.

Oh yeah, and, so we can make room for other people to, you know, comment on this story, you can send me story ideas. My stupid e-mail service will receive messages, it just won't send 'em to other people. (And I have no idea what's wrong with it, on account of I'm computer illiterate. Woot.)

[Reply #6 on:]

Ba-zing! We are so into it  .

I do have a scene that I'll email you. So for the people who are secretly reading this but not posting, something will come! Beware! Oooooo....*Eerie music begins to play*.

EDIT: I have come to a conclusion of who is the writer and who is the weirdo. It alternates. There are days where I am weird and you write and vise-versa. And then there are days where we are BOTH weird and neither of us write! It's stupid I know but it makes sense to me  .

[Reply #7 on:]

No, it makes perfect sense! Hurrah for Spacedal!

Er, anyway...

I read your story idea, and I thought it was fantastic. I'm definitely going to try to craft that section of the story around it, because I liked the drama.

But I gotta ask (and you can e-mail the answer, if you want)...

Show spoiler

Is there gonna be any shippy stuff? Because I didn't get an impression about it either way. I don't mean a lot of shippy crap-that-makes-me-want-to-wretch...I just mean an appropriate amount, considering the situation and all. Just wondering, because I don't want to end up writing something that doesn't fit with the story we're trying to write (and I definitely wouldn't want to make this into a shippy fic, because that's not what I'm assuming it's intended to be at all) But I could be wrong. Just let me know.

And, like I said, I should have an update soon.

[Reply #8 on:]

Thank you Gorky. I'm glad you liked it. And I'll just answer it with spoilers.

Show spoiler

I don't think so. I mean I want there to be emotion but not "I realize that I love you," "well I've always loved you!" kind of stuff. A little ship. But not the main point of the story.

[Reply #9 on:]

Show spoiler

My thoughts exactly. Just so long as I can have a little fun with the characters and their feelings (towards each other and the war) and relationships, I'm cool. It definitely doesn't have to be an "I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you!" sort of thing. That would be kind of creepy.

[Reply #10 on:]

Of course we'll play with them like that. Yes that would be creepy and my dreams would be crushed.

[Reply #11 on:]

Now normally, I enjoy crushing others' dreams. But you...well...you're okay. So I won't partake in crushing of any sort until after we complete this project. 

[Reply #12 on:]

Oh and no one enjoys crushing people's dreams like I do. But it is afterall my dream. And I like you too.

Afterwards though, you can make your own version that has that creepy stuff in it   .

[Reply #13 on:]

Spacedal, I just got your e-mail. I'm definitely okay with you writing a majority of the story, but I know that you're busy there yourself with some other projects. It may actually be better if you did write more of the story, though,  because you probably have a clearer vision of what this fic should be about than I do. So, I'll try to get the update up soon (I know I said that the other day, but I forgot to add three to four days for shipping laziness), and then, if you'd like, you could write some of the story. Then, just send it to me, and I'll edit it (although I doubt I'll have to change much...maybe just something to keep both of our writing styles in sync, and keep the overall style that the story is written in constant). No problem there. Just let me know.

[Reply #14 on:]

Oh good. I am busy but since this is my latest thing and I'm very in tune with it right now, I'll work on very hard. And I didn't think about the fact that I would have a clearer view. But that's true. I have no problem emailing it to you so you can make it more sync with our writing styles.

And laziness and shipping are the same things so it's ok. Just post the update and I'll get cracking.

[Reply #15 on:]

Well, um, see, about the update. The thing is, it's turning out to be longer than I expected, and I'm working some things out as we speak. But, I have about a page of the update that's actually, well...coherent. So, I thought I'd post it now, just to see if you had any suggestions, Spacedal. Keep in mind though, that there's going to be one more update after this, written by me. I'm sorry about that, and I hope it's okay with you.

----------------

Before Kif could illustrate his melancholy disposition with the appropriate sigh, a door opened. Zapp turned, and was greeted by two-and-a-half smiling faces. Fry and Bender had mile-wide grins on their faces, while Leela somehow managed to smile with one side of her mouth, and grimace with the other. A gift she had no doubt picked up after spending a night with…ugh…”The Zapper”.

“Well, well, well…if it isn’t my little cupcake of sexy-full emotions,” The Zapper said by way of welcome. “Oh yes…and those other two chimpanzees you keep as pets.” He motioned to Fry and Bender.

“Hi Zapp,” Leela said quietly. Almost quietly enough to disguise the obvious scorn laden in her voice.

“Oh, I see you’re a little feisty tonight, Leela. Would you like to make love right here on the floor? Or can you hold off for just a few moments while I dump these losers off in the brig?” He motioned to said losers.

“Hold that thought,” Leela said, before proceeding to knee Zapp in the stomach.

Brannigan fell to the ground, struggling to catch his breath. When he finally did, he nodded. “Yes…feisty indeed.”

Leela turned to the other three men standing in the room. “You guys may want to leave.” She looked back at Zapp. “Things may get a little…feisty.”

“Absolutely, ma’am,” Kif said, obviously impressed—and a bit intimidated—by Leela’s negotiation skills.

As the three pseudo-men left, Leela turned back to Zapp. She cut right to the chase, thus ensuring that she would have to spend as little time as possible with the big blowhard.

“Listen, Zapp…I need to ask you for a favor,” Leela shuddered at the thought (and at the insinuation of her statement, which the DOOP Captain had no doubt picked up on), but nevertheless continued. She explained her situation to Zapp: she explained the delivery, the meteor shower, and the severe damage that the Planet Express ship had suffered.

“Uh-huh. What’s your point?” the ever-intuitive Zapp Brannigan asked of Leela when she had finished.

“My point is…” Leela stuttered. This was harder then she thought it would be. “…we need you to take us to Benadryl 47 so we can make the delivery. There’s no way our ship can travel that distance under these circumstances.”

“Benadryl 47? Where’s that?” Brannigan asked. Boy, was he full of questions today or what?

Leela sighed. “Look, are you going to help us or not, Zapp?”

Zapp contemplated for a moment, then spoke.

“That depends. Surely you know how these sort of negotiations work, Captain. I’ll do you a favor, if you do me a favor. You know…you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.”

“What do you want...ugh…Captain?” Leela didn’t like the sound of this.

“Well, what I would really like is for us both to strip naked and play a sensual game of Scrabble,” as Zapp said this, Leela had already readied herself to kick his ass. Zapp quickly changed his mind. “But, since I think you already broke my very sexy collarbone, I’ll settle for a more menial task.”

“And what would that be?” Leela asked, hostility still present in her voice.

“Pick up my dry cleaning,” Zapp answered her.

“Your…dry cleaning?” Leela asked, both relieved and incredibly confused.

“Yes. I get it done at a nice little place in the Tide Quadrant.” Brannigan assured her.

“But wait…isn’t that normally Kif’s job?”

“No. He’s too green and sticky to even touch Zapp Brannigan’s clothing. You, however, are not green, nor are you sticky. So, there you go. Do we have a deal?"

“Deal.”

The two shook hands (much to Leela’s discomfort), and the deal was final.

And, as per said deal, Zapp took the time out of his very “busy” schedule to get Kif to get some lousy DOOP peon to navigate the Nimbus, and then proceed to fly it to Benadryl 47 (that is, as long as Brannigan got to honk the horn). Within an hour, they were on Benadrylian soil.

“We’ll only be a minute,” Leela assured Kif upon landing.

As the three Planet Express crewmembers began to exit the vessel, a familiar (and always unwelcome) voice called out, “Wait!”

It was Zapp, of course.

“I would like to come with you, Captain. You know…to make sure nothing happens to you.”

Leela was unconvinced. “What’s the real reason, Zapp?”

“Okay, okay…I’ve gotta pee.” The DOOP’s most famous captain answered her in a pleading whisper.

“You mean you don’t have a bathroom on the ship?”

“Well, yes…we did. But, there was an unfortunate burrito incident that I’d rather not get into. Anyway, the facilities are currently…out of order. C’mon, Leela, have a heart!”

She sighed, an art that she had perfected over her years of dealing with morons. I mean, service. “Fine. Just don’t screw anything up.”

“Hey, Leela,” Fry said, “If you’re worried about screwing things up, maybe Bender and I should just stay—“

“Get your ass out there,” Leela replied before her comrade could finish.

-----------------

I hope that was bearable enough.

[Reply #16 on:]

You're being hard on yourself again. No that was great. I love Leela's bitterness and Zap's lines were fantastic. I'm glad I got to read a new part. Go ahead and continue writing. I'll try to pick up where you are after. That was a great update though *thumbs up*.

[Reply #17 on:]

Okay. First off, I'd like to apologize for this update taking almost a week to materialize. Basically, I couldn't get the wording of certain parts right, and I wasn't sure if I was being too outlandish and what have you. So, that's why it's taken me so long to come close to something that I believe is up to my standards (and, as you can see, that whole ordeal has driven me crazy--I actually think I have standards).

So, um, yeah...enjoy.

----------------

As all four asses made their way out onto the surface of Benadryl 47, Leela reminded her partners about the obsessive-compulsive, germophobic residents of the planet.

“Look you guys, just don’t do anything stupid. We wouldn’t want to disturb the peace,” she said.

“Gotcha. Now where’s there a bush around here?” Zapp asked.

“Why do you need a bush?” Fry asked. Bender took it upon himself to reply to Fry’s question with the appropriate kick in the shin.

“Zapp, you can’t go in the bushes!” Leela exclaimed. Realizing that her tone wasn’t all that peaceful, she continued in a harsh whisper. “Just go into the village and try to find a restroom. Okay?”

“Fine,” Zapp said. “Where’s the village?”

Leela motioned towards the opening gates, behind which several small huts and buildings stood. “I’m thinking it’s over there, where all that stuff is,” she answered him sarcastically.

“There’s no need to be rough with me, my Empress of Love. There’s a time and a place for such things, and, while I’d have no problem with making this village one of those places, right now I really have to go to the bathroom. Later.”

Zapp ran off towards the village before Leela could throw a punch in his general direction. Besides, she thought, there were more important things to deal with.

“Let me handle this,” Leela said to Fry and Bender as she approached a guard at the opening gates.

“Can I help you?” the guard asked when they reached him. He was a grotesque little fellow. In fact, it seemed as if some horrible disease was the only way to explain his frightening appearance. Leela opted to forget about the irony of it all, and instead answered the gatekeeper’s question.

“Yes. We’re from the Planet Express Delivery Service, and we have a case of anti-bacterial soap that we were asked to deliver.”

“I see,” the guard said. He then paused, and looked the crew up and down for a moment, trying to see if they were a threat to the germ-less society. The cyclops lady and the robot checked out okay, but that idiot in the jacket looked kind of suspicious.

“I’ll have to consult our leader before I can accept that parcel. Excuse me for a moment while I go get him,” he finally said, upon completing his inspection.

“No problem. We’ll wait right here,” Leela assured him as he left into the village.

A moment after the guard had left, another grotesque being approached the Planet Express crew. Needless to say, Leela was surprised to see Zapp coming out from in front of the opening gates.

“Zapp? What’re you doing here? I thought you went into the village to use the bathroom,” Leela said.

“Well, that creepy guard said I didn’t appear clean enough to enter. So, I just used nature’s bathroom,” Zapp answered.

“Oh dear lord,” Leela bemoaned. She then noticed two Benadrylians—the guard and another man Leela assumed was his leader—coming towards them from the village. “Here they come. Look, don’t say anything, Zapp. You’ve done enough already.”

“Gotcha,” Brannigan said.

“Welcome, strange-looking visitors,” the leader said upon reaching the front gates. “I am Ty Lenol, ruler of all you see before you. And who might you be?”

“Hello, sir,” Leela said. “I’m Turanga Leela, and these are my two co-workers, Philip J. Fry, Bender…” Leela paused. What was his last name again? Noticing the ruler staring at her, she improvised “Um…McBenderson. And, last and certainly least, this is our acquaintance…”

“Captain Zapp Brannigan…Esquire,” Zapp interrupted her.

Something in the gatekeeper’s eyes lit up. “Wait, I know you. You wanted to use the bathroom!” He then turned to his leader, to elaborate. “I wouldn’t let him in. You see, this guy is that big DOOP captain. Remembering his…reputation…with the ladies, I determined that he must be a breeding ground for germs, and so I wouldn’t let him into our village to use the facilities.”

Ty Lenol nodded. “I see. How did that work out for you, by the way?” he asked Zapp.

He smiled. “Well, I just relieved myself in…”

“Um, in the ship’s bathroom!” Leela answered for him. “Funny story. See, um…Zapp here forgot that the Nimbus already had a bathroom, and so…uh…that’s why he wanted to use yours. But, miraculously, he remembered after being rejected by your…um…handsome gatekeeper here. Good job by the way,” she turned to said handsome gatekeeper.

“Well, I try my best,” he said, blushing.

“Enough!” Mr. Lenol said. He was getting tired of all this. “Just show me the stupid crate of soap you guys were supposed to deliver!”

“Um, it’s right there, sir.” Leela pointed to the large box.

“Very good. It looks safe enough for me. Now bring it over here,” he instructed, pointing to Zapp.

“Why me?” the captain asked.

“Because I said so. Now just do it, before I pelt you all with Tums!” the leader intoned, viciously. He was getting sick and tired of all this stupidity.

“Okay, okay,” Zapp said. Brannigan hated being pushed around, but this grumpy old man was kind of creeping him out. The sooner he could get away from him, the better.

What happened next can only be described as, “Really, really, really unlikely”.

Zapp walked over to the crate, and picked it up. Or, at least he tried to. See, while Zapp is known for many things, his super-human strength is not one of them. So, lifting a heavy box was not something that came easily to the captain. But, once Leela shot him a glance cold enough to freeze his very sexy undercarriage, a second wind came over Captain Zapp Brannigan. He showed that delivery who was boss.

“So, where do you want it?” Zapp strained to ask as he lugged the crate towards the opening gates.

“Um…over there,” the society’s ruler answered him, pointing to his left.

“Here?” Zapp asked, struggling to catch his breath, and shifting from leg to leg with the weight of the package.

“No. More to the right,” Ty Lenol answered him.

“Oh. You mean here?” Zapp inquired, his frame shaking under the pressure.

“Hmmm…just slide over a tiny bit,” Mr. Lenol motioned with his hands.

“Okay, please tell me this is where you want the damn box…sir,” a very exhausted Zapp said when he moved to the area the leader had indicated.

“Perfect. Set ‘er down,” he said.

Now, here’s where the really, really, really unlikely part kicks in. Per that big jerk of a ruler’s instructions, Zapp dropped the box on the dirt path. Emphasis on ‘dropped’. And ‘dirt path’. You see, when a heavy object hits loose dirt, one can expect a big cloud of dust to emanate from the spot where said object hit said loose dirt.

Which is exactly what happened. So, as Zapp took several deep breaths to try to regain some semblance of consciousness, a big cloud of dust was forming. Now, as one might expect, Zapp happened to take a deep breath just as the billow of dirt was trafficking towards his nose. And, because God has a sense of humor, that dirt traveled right up Zapp’s schnoz.

Another quickie science lesson: when a fine substance like dust ends up stuffed in someone’s beak, then they’re bound to sneeze.

Which is precisely what Zapp did. And, to make matters worse, he sneezed right on the honorable Ty Lenol, ruler of the germophobic society known as the Benadrylians.

Would you like to venture a guess as to what happened next?

-----------------------------

So, anyway, Spacedal, you can pick it up from here. I have a few paragraphs that I've already thought of inserting here and there, just sort of backstory for the war and everything. So long as you give me the bare bones of the story, I think we'll be okay. 

[Reply #18 on:]

Yay! I figured it'd only be a matter of time before you updated Gorky. Glad you did. Ok, I love the Ty Lenol joke. Really funny. I shall in do so pick it up from here. If you want to tell me what paragraphs you have in mind I'll look them over and see if I can put them in. Great update Gorky. Thank you.

[Reply #19 on:]

greattings Spacedal11 my fellow spaceminer Imust say that this very inteteresting indeed. unlike anything of yours I have read and I mean anything like your stories on fm:tlz. also I dont't know if you have read my fic that I have up on fm:tlz called fry's destiny and was wodering if you had any idea's for chapter's 8-30 and I am also working on the sequel called chronicles of the quiet one and was also hopeing that you might have some idea's for chapter's 2-30 as well if so you post them in my thread  called fry's destiny or by e-mail which is located in my profile until next time. later day's 

[Reply #20 on:]

Whoa, buddy. I'm flattered that you like my stuff (if that is what you were saying) and I have skimmed through Fry's Destiny a few times. But I'm not sure what you've just asked me. Are you asking me to give you ideas for a story that will be 8-30 chapters long? And 2-30 chapters long for the sequel? If you don't mind explaining this to me further and through email so you don't spam my thread.

By the way, Gorky is also helping me with this so I can't take any praise without knowing that Gorky has been reckonized too.

[Reply #21 on:]

Jubei do you really have to go spam everybody's thread with requests for ideas? I've seen you make essentially the same post in every story thread here. Stop. Ask for help in your own thread only stop spamming other peoples threads.

[Reply #22 on:]

Hey, neat! Someone was reading! Um...I think.

jubei: I'm glad you're enjoying the story. And that you've enjoyed Spacedal's stuff, seeing as how what I've seen of it has been great. But, can I offer you a word of advice? Why have you already planned out two stories (that you intend to write 30 chapters for each), even though you obviously still need/want ideas for them? I suggest that you simply write your story, and see where it goes. Who says you need 30 chapters anyway? Just try your best, and, like Venus said, ask for advice in your own thread. You'll probably get a better response there anyway. Just trying to help.

Oh yeah, and, Spacedal, once you e-mail me your update, I'll just see if my extra paragraphs are needed. They probably won't be, but I'll see.

Oh yeah, and take all the praise you want. We wouldn't have gotten this far without your great story idea. So take, good woman, take like...a person who takes stuff.

[Reply #23 on:]

Greattings Gorky and thank's I will try and remember that the reason I said that i was going to wright 30 chapter's in both storie's. was that i just dream's lately that I decided that i should add thirty pages so I hope that answer's your qestion also if you want me to e-mail you any of the capter's let me know until then. later day's

[Reply #24 on:]

Gorky: I love you. You're so sweet.  . I started working on my update yesterday and I might finish it today or tomorrow. (No I don't think he was reading it Gork, maybe Venus was.)

And you know I was actually gonna email Venus when I got home today to ask about this situation. Glad she found out for herself.

Yeah Jubei honey, you are spamming our thread up. And I have seen how many times you've asked people and how everytime they tell you to stop spamming. Why don't you listen? Why do you need 30 pages of stuff? Everytime you ask someone to give you ideas but you can't just think of your own? Why not? Please answer this in your own thread.

[Reply #25 on:]

Hai I'm sorry you right  Spacedal11 I guess I will just stick to wrighting in my own thread and stop asking that question when ever I reply and as always your wrighting rocks also are you going to finish the fire jynx and the stung if so let me know because i would love to read them.  so sorry if i upset you in any way. your humble reader jubei

[Reply #26 on:]

As long as you stick to your word, it's ok.

As far as my other fan fics, don't expect any new parts for FJ for now, because I have so many other things to do that are more important. If I don't have any other ideas for a story for a while I might go back and start re-writing it again.

As for the other one, not likely. I started confusing myself when I began to write the next part so I figured that I'd shelf it for a while cause it no longer made sense to me. (Plus it wasn't that popular with the readers so I figured I stop torturing them).

Thanks for taking this so well jubei. You're a very nice person.

[Reply #27 on:]

Domo arigoto Spacedal11san and yes I will stick to my word the reason I asked if you were continuing your stories is because i don't know about any one else but i like your stories and wanted to read more find out what happend. your other story the stung was popular to me it dosen't matter what other people think it is what you think that is important so do what you like to do and what make's you happy. also I now this may sound insane to you but when asked me why i decided to wright thirty pages is because i having more of the same dream that is basically what the storie's are they are the written form of my dream's and sence some of you had read them i was just trying to get your's and other peoples thought's on them so that way i could improve on making them more intelegeble for the readers so i hope that is more that enough of a reasone to wright thirty pages. until next time. later day's

[Reply #28 on:]

I love you too, Spacedal! It's so cool having a sister!

Anyway, for the record, this next update is about 99% Spacedal and about 1% me. And, as I guessed, I didn't have to add anything much. Therefore, I think it turned out pretty well, but I guess we shall see...

----------------------------

Would you like to venture a guess as to what happened next? No? Really? Okay, then--I'll tell you.

Ty Lenol had mucus splattered on his face, an unpleasant sight for all. Leela, mortified, covered her face. In between the bouts of utter humiliation that followed, Leela found the time to mutter four simple words:

"We are so boned."

Fry and Bender stood there, slack-jawed (whether this was a result of shock or the usual stupidity is not clear). Fry looked over at his captain who had lowered her hands to cover her mouth. She looked over at him, and Leela's distinct look of terror shook Fry to his core.

The totally ignorant (yet completely sexy) Zapp Brannigan took a deep breath in, and then back out. He wiped his nose with his hand and then shook it to the ground.

For a moment, everything seemed to go in slow motion. Everybody's eyes followed the little glob of germs hit the ground. Followed by a quiet squishing sound.

The guard jumped and screeched in fear when he saw the snot hit the dirt. But somehow he managed to run over to his booth and hit a big red button. One of those big red buttons that Leela had seen hit so many times when the Planet Express crew was involved.

Ty Lenol, dared not to look at any of the Planet Express crew's faces, as he lifted his bony finger and pointed to the gate. Leela and company ran toward it without hearing his cry. As soon as everyone darted out from behind the gates, they slammed shut. Everyone in the village started screaming and running around in panic.

Bender, always eager to help, walked over to the guard before leaving. "Say buddy, he also took a wiz over in the bushes, just so you know."

The guard's eyes died. He pulled out a microphone and yelled into it, "Code P-P1!  Code P-P1! This is not a drill!"

And then there was even more screaming and panicking from the villagers. The crew ran as fast as they could back to the Nimbus on a wave of terror. The ship immediately shot in the air, away from the planet. Inside, Leela just stood there, staring into the infinite void that is space. She wanted to yell at Zapp. Hell, forget yelling--she wanted to kill the bastard. But she was so shocked by what had just transpired that she could only replay everything in her head.

Fry looked out the small porthole down onto the now-small brown and greenish planet. In a moment of actual thought, he pointed to the orb and looked back at the other three. " I hope that that doesn't create a chain reaction. Those aliens are all gonna die otherwise."

Leela shot a glare at him. "Of course it'll create a chain reaction! If that leader touches any other member of his species they'll all get sick." She paused, before adding, "Thanks to you." She turned to Zapp, giving him her trademark icy stare. Her tone, however, was strangely calm. "Zapp, I said not to say anything. I said not to do anything stupid. How hard was it to listen to me? Now you've probably killed an entire species."

Kif looked over at Zapp and merely sighed, "It's the New Years party all over again."

Leela, deciding it was best not to ask Kif the obvious question, looked over at Zapp. "Don't you feel the least bit sorry?"

"Of course. I feel bad that I let you down, my lovely dove. And that I might have killed several villagers of a meek little inferior planet." Boy, Zapp sure knows how to win Leela over.

Leela threw her hands up, any semblance of composure leaving her being. "Oh shut up! Just drop us off at that gas station over there and leave us!"

Zapp shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't do that."

Leela talked through clenched teeth, slowly. "Why not?"

Zapp flicked his hand in the air, "Because, you promised me that you'd pick up my laundry-ack!"

Leela had now yanked him by the collar and was only two inches away from his face.

"Look bub, you're lucky that I don't rip your tongue out and choke you with it! Now I know that in a few hours we're all gonna get our asses kicked because you sneezed on a germophobic ruler! So just let us go wallow in our own guilt back at home!" These last few hours had proved to Leela that she couldn't stand being in the same universe--let alone room--with Captain Zapp Brannigan.

Bender intervened in the conversation. "Whoa, wait a minute. You're saying that because he sneezed on some losers who can't stand a sniffle, we're all gonna get our asses kicked?"

Fry shrugged, and, in a moment of insight, said, "What's the big deal? That always happens to us."

Leela and Bender both nodded realizing he was right. Leela began pacing back and forth staring at the floor.

"What will happen to them? Oh I hope they don't all die," she said, panic rising in her voice. Damn compassion--it had a way of making suckers out of everyone.

The citizens of Benadryl 47 were all Leela could think about for the short time remaining until they reached the gas station. When the Nimbus finally pulled into Greasy Bob's Fill-Up Station, the Planet Express ship was loaded into the garage to be repaired. Planet Express' farewells to the crew of the Nimbus were not long or meaningful. Although that punch in the face Leela had delivered to Zapp did carry some meaning. Namely, "Get the hell away from me."

Fry, Leela, and Bender walked over to the convenience store located next to the garage. Fry and Bender went and looked for some snacks while Leela discussed their situation to the clerk at the counter. She didn't expect him to care (which worked out, because he didn't), but at least it was a way to vent. A few minutes later, she found Fry in the candy aisle looking at some classic gum. Dewey's Chewy Pooey, Spider Yum, Double-Double Mint-Mint Fresh-Fresh, and Gumi-licious. He looked up from the selections when his captain approached him.

She crossed her arms and sighed, "They said that they'll repair it to where it's functional enough to get back to earth. But we won't be able to fly it for a while afterwards."

Fry guided his hand to randomly select one of the gums, ultimately choosing the Gumi-licious ("Now With Even More Dextrose!" ).

He then looked back at Leela. "So how long will we be here?"

They walked over to find Bender, who was, of course, in the back looking for beer. He was scanning the rows of bottles looking for the perfect one.

"The guy said it'll be about an hour. I guess we'll have to call the Professor to tell him we'll be a little late," Leela answered after a brief pause.

Fry thought for a moment. "Do you know the number?"

Leela began to speak then stopped. "Uh...no. I'd always call him from the ship, and it has his number automatically stored. I guess I'll have to look in the phone book. I'll be back in a minute."

She made her way from the back of the store, to the front, and out the doors. Leela walked over to one of the phone booths and picked up one of the big phone books. She held it in her arm and flipped through the pages. She first looked for the company name under the 'P' section. She didn't find it. Leela then looked under 'D' for ‘Delivery Company’. As she leafed through the pages, the frustrated captain realized that that particular phone book wasn't for the Galaxy State Area that Earth was found in.

Annoyed, Leela set the book back down and put a quarter in the slot. She dialed the operator and asked for the Planet Express office, which was probably what she should have done in the first place. While she contemplated this, Hermes appeared on the small screen of the phone. He squinted to see who it was until he recognized Leela's hard-to-miss eye.

"Oh Leela! How was da mission?" an unusually cheerful Hermes waved to her.

Leela was caught off-guard by his glee. Nervous, she diverted her eyes and answered, "Uh...ok..."

"So why are you callin'? You be tying up da phone line," Hermes inquired curiously.

Leela then looked back at the bureaucrat. "Well, on our way back we got caught in a meteor shower. And the ship is pretty damaged, so we'll be back late." She was confident in her answer. Hey, it wasn't a total lie.

"Ok," Hermes shrugged. "When do you expect to be back?"

Leela thought for a moment, estimating the time. "A few hours," she said. Then, as an afterthought, added, "Hopefully."

"Fair enough," he nodded. "I'll tell da Professa that you'll be late."

Leela smiled at him. "Thanks Hermes. See you later."

He waved to her once more as she hung up the phone. Leela wondered why Hermes had been so laid back. Before she could explore the situation more deeply, Leela heard a gunshot coming from inside the store. She was taken aback by it, but then remembered who her co-workers were.

"What have you done now Bender?" she muttered.

Leela walked back in looking for the bending unit she figured was behind all this.

Without thinking she yelled as she walked in, "Bender! What are you doing?"

Bender saw her and frowned.

"Hiding from death. You might wanna join us."

She looked down and saw that Fry and Bender were covering themselves from the real thief. He was a large robot with a mask over his face. He had a laser pistol built into his arm and was aiming it at the terrified clerk, who had his hands up. The robot turned to a surprised, and slightly confused, Leela. She surrendered herself by throwing her arms in the air and kneeling on the floor.

She gave his a fake smile. "You're not Bender. Sorry for interrupting you."

The robot shrugged. "Happens all the time. Now back to business." He turned back to the clerk, "Hand me all of the money! And every issue of Entertainment Weekly you got! And this pack of sugar-free Reese's!"

Leela crawled over to her two crewmates, undetected by the robber. Bender was shooting her a nasty look and Fry was only panicking.

A few minutes later the three heard the thief scream. "You're out of Entertainment Weekly! You bastard!"

Without any communication, the clerk was shot. Fry and Leela gasped to themselves and sheltered their eyes from what could be considered the prelude to the massacre that was in the making elsewhere.

They heard Bender moan quietly, "Aw, man! The one time I forget to bring my camera!"

--------------------

So, I guess you can continue writing, Spacedal. I have to say, that update you sent me was nearly perfect. Great work. I have a feeling this fic is gonna turn out pretty well.

[Reply #29 on:]

Thanks Gorky. I knew that you'd be able to put more detail and stuff into it. Although there's one thing that I have to point out and I know it's only a spelling error but it's a real obvious one,

 

Nervous, she diverted her eyes and answered, "Uh...ok..."

Eyes.  . I'll start the next update.

[Reply #30 on:]

This is turning out really well. I like it.

[Reply #31 on:]

Gorky! Someone is reading it! Yay  !

[Reply #32 on:]

Yay!

I'm glad you're enjoying this, Venus. Here's another update for all of you...

----------------------------

They heard Bender moan quietly, "Aw, man! The one time I forget to bring my camera!"

"Shut up, Bender," Leela managed to whisper, her voice shaking. She prayed that that killing machine hadn't heard her--she just wanted him to leave already.

Which he did. After the robber made his departure, Leela got up slowly and walked over to the clerk. She checked for a pulse, and her own heart stopped when she felt none. She turned to Fry and Bender.

"He's dead," was all she could manage.

Fry was still on the floor, frozen. Bender got up and poked the victim with a Slim Jim, just to make sure Leela had been correct in her diagnosis.

"The cyclops lady's right," he said nonchalantly upon completing his inspection. "We better call the cops."

The police arrived a few minutes later, only to find the body of the clerk and a lot of frightened employees in the back room. And the Planet Express trio, who, being the closest to the scene of the crime, were all asked questions about the robbery. You know, the usual stuff.

"Did you kill him?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure you're sure?"

"Yes.”

"You can tell me if you did. It's cool. Really, I'm okay with it. So, did you kill him?"

"No."

"You know, if you just said 'yes' it would make my job a whole lot easier."

"Um...can I go now?"

By the time the questioning was complete, the repairs to the Planet Express ship had been finished. The turbulent ride back to Earth seemed to take an eternity.

------------------

Elsewhere in the universe, more specifically on board the Nimbus, Captain Zapp Brannigan sat in his big important chair and watched the videophone screen. Brannigan was pretending to listen to Earth President Richard M. Nixon bark at him viciously.

"Brannigan! What in blazes have you done?" Zapp could have sworn the man was foaming at the mouth.

"What do you mean Mr. President?" he asked.

"Don't get cocky with me boy, I know that you sneezed on Lenol. The man's dying! The whole Benadrylian civilization is a mess." At that moment Nixon found himself wishing he had arms, just so he could strangle Brannigan, a strange sensation that struck every time the president phoned the Nimbus.

Zapp seemed oblivious to the problem, but proud of his job well done. "Wow! I really did that?"

"Shut up, dammit! How do you expect to explain all this without getting Earth blown up?"

Hmm... Zapp didn't like the sound of that whole Earth getting blown up thing. Still, he figured his lovely assistant Kif would be able to get him out of all this trouble. Besides, the captain had other things to focus on. Like that big piece of lettuce that was stuck between Nixon's teeth.

"Brannigan, are you listening to me?" Nixon asked, frustrated.

Zapp merely flashed his own pearly whites, trying to think of something to say. Then, seemingly channeling a competent individual, he came up with a plan. "No need to worry, sir. I'll hold a press conference tomorrow and apologize to this Lenol fella directly."

Nixon was hardly amused. "You'd better do more then that, dammit! I know Ty Lenol, and I know all those Bendrylians. There are 47 planets! And those guys are very hard to please. You make one more mistake and they'll turn on all of us like that!"

This did seem to have an effect on Zapp. He tried to look solemn as he faced the President.

The honorable Captain Zapp Brannigan put his hand up reassuringly. "I promise that no harm will come to Earth. You can quote me on that."

Nixon shook his head. "Oh, don't worry, I will." He laughed for a moment, in a way that made Zapp very nervous. "I'll see you tomorrow, Brannigan."

Zapp nodded, then saluted. "President Nixon."

The screen went blank.

---------------------------------

Keep on a'writin' Spacedal. This is fun.

[Reply #33 on:]

I know it's so much fun  ! And thank you for redoing that scene. My version was very bad. I promise that the next part will be good. Like Gorky said, hope you enjoyed that Venus!

[Reply #34 on:]

Kobanwa Spacedal11 IF i saw your version i would not think so and also iam readin your fic the lost fry right know let me tell you that it is good i think all your fics are awsome so until ext time. Sayonara

[Reply #35 on:]

i did enjoy it.

[Reply #36 on:]

*BUMP*

Hooray, the story's not dead yet! So, if any of you thought you were gonna get out that easy, tough luck.

Um, so, here's our update:

-----------------------

The next day the entire Planet Express crew traveled to New Jersey to see some press conference that the DOOP was holding. Leela, being the only member of the PE team with some common sense, assumed that it was in reference to the "incident" that had occured the day prior. The first thing she noticed upon their arrival were the crowds of journalistic hacks who were surrounding the outside of the building, jotting down notes about Zapp Brannigan giving birth to a mutant chimpanzee baby, and President Nixon taking a shower with Julia Roberts' head. Leela figured that the stories in the tabloids would be even more outrageous.

Anyway, after making their way through the crowds outside, the crewmembers decided to stand near the back of the building. That way, if Zapp happened to sneeze again and start a 293rd Intergalactic Worlds War, they would beat the mad dash to the parking lot.

Zapp was standing at a podium, waving to the crowd. Fry, who was standing next to Leela, gazed at Brannigan and then turned to his captain.

"He doesn't look very guilty," Fry whispered.

Leela sighed. "Of course not. He's too cocky to give a rat's ass."

I'm sure that on some level that no one else really knew, Zapp did feel at least a little bit guilty. Of course, I'm just guessing. Chances are, he was probably too cocky to give a rat's ass. But that's not something we can prove.

After one more wave, Zapp cleared his throat and put a tight grasp on the edges of the podium, before giving his opening statement:

"My fellow Earthicans, there has been a bit of a...disturbance...in the vast space that is...space. This disturbance involved myself and three others, who will remain anonymous for the time being. Anyway, I was doing my part in the community by helping said threesome," Zapp couldn't help but wink when he said that last word, "Although it ended horribly, with an honorable ruler lying on his death bed. For which, of course, I am deeply sorry. Yes, that's it, sorry. I am sorry for you, the people, and, of course, Emperor Ty Lenol. Whom I hope forgives me, 'cause, like I said, I'm sorry. Really."

And then Zapp lowered his head in order to look as if he was crying. But, he perked back up and added, "I will now take questions."

A man with a long mustache threw his arm up. "Yes, you, Alf over there," Zapp said, pointing to the man.

The man asked in a booming voice, "Captain Brannigan, sir, according to a statement you made yesterday, you have already identified the 'threesome' that were involved in the 'disturbance' as the Planet Express delivery crew."

Zapp shifted his eyes back and forth. Surely, someone had forced him to admit that, using sexy lingerie, or a something shiny.

Seeing an opportunity, Zapp answered the man. "Yes, yes I did. Actually, it was all their fault. Disregard everything I just said."

In the back, the Planet Express crew started muttering to each other in disagreement. Leela slapped her forehead and sighed. She knew something like this was bound to happen. It was times like these that she really wished she had become an orthodontist.

Before Leela could act upon the rage that was forming within her, a screen was lowered next to Zapp and some other guys sitting next to Zapp that no one actually knew. A bed-rested Ty Lenol appeared on the screen. He had tubes and a bunch of pointy thingies sticking out of him, and was enclosed in a big bubble. Ty somehow managed to muster the strength to lift his head and face the crowd, and began speaking:

"Listen to you people. This buffoon of a human is your defender? Did any of you ever wonder how the hell he got in such a position of power in the first place?"

"Democracy?" Fry guessed. Leela glared at him. 

"Exactly!" Lenol exclaimed, disgusted. "And look at what it's gotten you. A moron like Zapp Brannigan! How can you expect this buffoon to be the man to save your planet? He can't even take credit for his own mistakes without blaming them on someone else!"

Leela noticed Zapp beginning to squirm, and she took a sadistic glee in watching the sorry excuse for a leader crack under the pressure. 

Ty continued. "All of you are a bunch of idiots who show nothing but disrespect for your alien superiors. Maybe it's about time we teach you all a valuable lesson."

Before anyone could take a whack at guessing what exactly the lesson was, the screen cut out.

There was a murmur of concern. Bender, realizing that he hadn't said anything in a while, decided to speak up.

"What the hell was that about? 'Maybe we'll teach you a lesson'?"
 
"Maybe they meant a lesson on how to bake a cake. Oh, how generous they are!"

Fry looked over to his elder nephew, and leaned in to ask, "Did we just get into more trouble?"

The Professor shrugged, "Maybe. I mean everything that stupid alien said about our stupid society was true. Maybe we'll be pulled into some stupid war. Stop bothering me with your stupid questions, you stupid ass."

Fry sighed and stared ahead, wondering about the days ahead. Would he be alive on Sunday? Would anyone be alive tomorrow? Or was it the end of society as he knew it?

--------------------------

So, um, that's it for now. Spacedal has informed me that I'm going to be writing the next chapter. You have been forewarned.

[Reply #37 on:]

Gorky! You're still alive! Yippee! And warm fuzzies for Spacedal as well! I would comment on the story, but I haven't read it, thinking it was a work in progress dealie and I wasn't supposed to. But I see Venus (who should be getting a call from me today if I don't chicken out) commented, so maybe it's okay?

Help, I'm confuzzled!

[Reply #38 on:]

Oh...my...GAWD! Layla in our thread? I am not worthy of posting here!

...wait it's my thread. Anyway Layla, the first couple of posts between me and the Gorkster, were just discussing what we'd like to do with the story. Then we started actually making one. I think it's coming along nicely. If you read my versions of the parts that I wrote, they wouldn't compare to how Gorky revises them. Bravo my friend.

Ok it's several hours later, but I feel I should do this. Just so you people understand, I'm posting everything we have so far.

---------------

Oxford’s English Dictionary defines war as, “a sustained contest between rivals or campaign against something undesirable”. Webster’s calls it, “a state of hostility, conflict, or antagonism”. And yet a third tome, Zapp Brannigan’s Big Book of War, refers to the violent display as, quote, “that thing I always win”.

Now normally the DOOP Captain’s egotism would disgust one Turanga Leela, but, on this occasion, she really hoped the pompous dumb ass was right.

As you can see, war can drive a person to some pretty crazy lengths.

------------

It all started with a sneeze.

Leela, Fry, and Bender had been sent on yet another tedious mission to some planet no one really cared about. This time, the crew was en route to Benadryl 47, a world located in the Antihistamine Quadrant. The denizens of Benadryl 47 were known germophobes, and their fear of anything unsanitary led most of them to live like celibate hermits. This explained why very few Earthicans had ever heard of the place. It also explained why the residents always looked so grumpy in Benadryl 47’s travel brochures.

So, everything was going along rather smoothly. Metaphorically speaking. Literally speaking, things were actually going along rather bumpily. You see, Leela had made the mistake of assuming that nothing would go wrong for the duration of the mission. Of course, as we all know, this is never the case when it comes to, well, everything in life. As it were, the Planet Express ship happened to hit a meteor shower. Which normally wouldn’t have been all that big a problem for Leela to handle. Had she been able to devote her full attention to piloting the ship, that is.

But, that wasn’t the case. Because, as Leela had learned the hard way over her tenure at Planet Express, it was impossible to get any real work done with Fry and Bender around. And, at the moment, the dynamic duo was displaying the exact qualities that had caused Leela to contemplate murder several times in the last four years. Namely, the two slackers were participating in one of their ritual drinking games. The theme, you ask? Why, every time a big flaming rock passed by the ship’s window, Fry and Bender took a shot of whatever concoction the robot happened to have in his chest cabinet. Needless to say, it was a great way to get drunk quickly.

“Oh, there’s another one!” Fry exclaimed, pointing out the meteor that had just whizzed by the vessel. He then proceeded to take a swig of tonic from a bottle that sat between the two drunkards.

In between her deft steering of the spacecraft through the barrage of flying rocks, Leela addressed the bosom buddies with a simple, “Cut it out, you two.”

Obviously, the half-hearted command had no effect on either Fry or Bender. So, the next time around, Leela ordered them in the most menacing voice she could muster, given the circumstances.

“Stop it, both of you! We need to devote our full attention to this mission!”

That sounded intimidating enough, or so Leela thought. She soon discovered that she had jumped the gun on that one.

“Why?” Fry asked, displaying some uncharacteristic, well, guts.

A slightly miffed Leela replied to this query when the storm permitted it. “Because the harder we work, the sooner we can get back home.”

“Why would we want to do that?” Bender asked, displaying some uncharacteristic, well, interest.

“Because the sooner we get back home, the sooner I can get away from you two,” Leela replied under her breath.

“Huh?” he coworkers asked in unison.

“Never mind,” she moaned. “Just go back to your—”

Leela was cut off by a sudden jolt within the ship, a jolt that sent both Fry and Bender flying towards the helm. Leela managed to prevent the two from soaring right through the front window, using the quick reflexes she had developed from years of beating up chumps.

However, her dialogue with the two morons had cost them all dearly.

The space rock assault had severely damaged the Planet Express ship, as evidenced by the way it began to shake from side to side violently. The crew’s only hope was to dock with another ship, and fast. As luck would have it, another vessel appeared on the horizon. A familiar vessel.

The Nimbus.

“Oh dear lord,” Leela bemoaned upon the sight of the spacecraft.

“Uh-oh…that’s Zapp Brannigan’s ship,” Fry commented as the shaking rocket jostled him back and forth. “Does this mean we’re not gonna dock with it?”

“No, Fry,” Leela replied. Although, honestly, she hadn’t even really heard his question. Leela had learned, after four years of friendship, that the best possible answer to any of Fry’s questions was always a negative one. Whether he was asking her out on a date, or asking her to pull his head out of one of the urinals at Elzar’s.

Thankfully, Leela’s answer was actually pertinent to the situation. I mean, she may have loathed the DOOP’s sorry excuse for a leader, but she sure as hell loved living a lot more than she hated Zapp. Which is really saying a lot.

“Then, um, do you maybe want to dock with the Nimbus? Like, now?” Fry pulled Leela out of her reverie.

“Oh, yeah, right,” she said, struggling to regain some control over the Planet Express ship. It took a lot of effort, but the captain managed to reach the area where the prestigious freighter that was the Nimbus drifted idly.

Meanwhile, in said prestigious freighter, Captain Zapp Brannigan was sitting around, doing absolutely nothing. In other words, it was business as usual. Suddenly, a bright red light began to flash frantically right before his eyes. He jumped out of the chair he had been sitting in, and proceeded to take cover behind it.

“Kif, explain this sudden cacophony of…scary buzzy noises!” Brannigan demanded of his lieutenant.

Kif sighed. “It’s simply the alarm, informing us of a ship preparing to dock with the Nimbus, Captain.”

“Oh,” Zapp said, relieved. “What moron suggested such a stupid thing?”

“You did, sir,” Kif informed him.

“Oh, right,” the captain said. “Brilliant idea, if I do say so myself. Which I do. Say, who’s the lucky lady of a ship that shall have the honor to dock with the handsomest vessel in all the land?”

Kif pressed a button on the console next to him, revealing the identity of the ship on a monitor before Zapp.

“Ah, the Planet Express ship. That means I have a female caller. Yes. The finest female caller this side of the sexy beast that is Zapp Brannigan. Take notes, Kif,” the sexy beast intoned.

-----------------

Before Kif could illustrate his melancholy disposition with the appropriate sigh, a door opened. Zapp turned, and was greeted by two-and-a-half smiling faces. Fry and Bender had mile-wide grins on their faces, while Leela somehow managed to smile with one side of her mouth, and grimace with the other. A gift she had no doubt picked up after spending a night with…ugh…”The Zapper”.

“Well, well, well…if it isn’t my little cupcake of sexy-full emotions,” The Zapper said by way of welcome. “Oh yes…and those other two chimpanzees you keep as pets.” He motioned to Fry and Bender.

“Hi Zapp,” Leela said quietly. Almost quietly enough to disguise the obvious scorn laden in her voice.

“Oh, I see you’re a little feisty tonight, Leela. Would you like to make love right here on the floor? Or can you hold off for just a few moments while I dump these losers off in the brig?” He motioned to said losers.

“Hold that thought,” Leela said, before proceeding to knee Zapp in the stomach.

Brannigan fell to the ground, struggling to catch his breath. When he finally did, he nodded. “Yes…feisty indeed.”

Leela turned to the other three men standing in the room. “You guys may want to leave.” She looked back at Zapp. “Things may get a little…feisty.”

“Absolutely, ma’am,” Kif said, obviously impressed—and a bit intimidated—by Leela’s negotiation skills.

As the three pseudo-men left, Leela turned back to Zapp. She cut right to the chase, thus ensuring that she would have to spend as little time as possible with the big blowhard.

“Listen, Zapp…I need to ask you for a favor,” Leela shuddered at the thought (and at the insinuation of her statement, which the DOOP Captain had no doubt picked up on), but nevertheless continued. She explained her situation to Zapp: she explained the delivery, the meteor shower, and the severe damage that the Planet Express ship had suffered.

“Uh-huh. What’s your point?” the ever-intuitive Zapp Brannigan asked of Leela when she had finished.

“My point is…” Leela stuttered. This was harder then she thought it would be. “…we need you to take us to Benadryl 47 so we can make the delivery. There’s no way our ship can travel that distance under these circumstances.”

“Benadryl 47? Where’s that?” Brannigan asked. Boy, was he full of questions today or what?

Leela sighed. “Look, are you going to help us or not, Zapp?”

Zapp contemplated for a moment, then spoke.

“That depends. Surely you know how these sort of negotiations work, Captain. I’ll do you a favor, if you do me a favor. You know…you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.”

“What do you want...ugh…Captain?” Leela didn’t like the sound of this.

“Well, what I would really like is for us both to strip naked and play a sensual game of Scrabble,” as Zapp said this, Leela had already readied herself to kick his ass. Zapp quickly changed his mind. “But, since I think you already broke my very sexy collarbone, I’ll settle for a more menial task.”

“And what would that be?” Leela asked, hostility still present in her voice.

“Pick up my dry cleaning,” Zapp answered her.

“Your…dry cleaning?” Leela asked, both relieved and incredibly confused.

“Yes. I get it done at a nice little place in the Tide Quadrant.” Brannigan assured her.

“But wait…isn’t that normally Kif’s job?”

“No. He’s too green and sticky to even touch Zapp Brannigan’s clothing. You, however, are not green, nor are you sticky. So, there you go. Do we have a deal?"

“Deal.”

The two shook hands (much to Leela’s discomfort), and the deal was final.

And, as per said deal, Zapp took the time out of his very “busy” schedule to get Kif to get some lousy DOOP peon to navigate the Nimbus, and then proceed to fly it to Benadryl 47 (that is, as long as Brannigan got to honk the horn). Within an hour, they were on Benadrylian soil.

“We’ll only be a minute,” Leela assured Kif upon landing.

As the three Planet Express crewmembers began to exit the vessel, a familiar (and always unwelcome) voice called out, “Wait!”

It was Zapp, of course.

“I would like to come with you, Captain. You know…to make sure nothing happens to you.”

Leela was unconvinced. “What’s the real reason, Zapp?”

“Okay, okay…I’ve gotta pee.” The DOOP’s most famous captain answered her in a pleading whisper.

“You mean you don’t have a bathroom on the ship?”

“Well, yes…we did. But, there was an unfortunate burrito incident that I’d rather not get into. Anyway, the facilities are currently…out of order. C’mon, Leela, have a heart!”

She sighed, an art that she had perfected over her years of dealing with morons. I mean, service. “Fine. Just don’t screw anything up.”

“Hey, Leela,” Fry said, “If you’re worried about screwing things up, maybe Bender and I should just stay—“

“Get your ass out there,” Leela replied before her comrade could finish.

-----------------

As all four asses made their way out onto the surface of Benadryl 47, Leela reminded her partners about the obsessive-compulsive, germophobic residents of the planet.

“Look you guys, just don’t do anything stupid. We wouldn’t want to disturb the peace,” she said.

“Gotcha. Now where’s there a bush around here?” Zapp asked.

“Why do you need a bush?” Fry asked. Bender took it upon himself to reply to Fry’s question with the appropriate kick in the shin.

“Zapp, you can’t go in the bushes!” Leela exclaimed. Realizing that her tone wasn’t all that peaceful, she continued in a harsh whisper. “Just go into the village and try to find a restroom. Okay?”

“Fine,” Zapp said. “Where’s the village?”

Leela motioned towards the opening gates, behind which several small huts and buildings stood. “I’m thinking it’s over there, where all that stuff is,” she answered him sarcastically.

“There’s no need to be rough with me, my Empress of Love. There’s a time and a place for such things, and, while I’d have no problem with making this village one of those places, right now I really have to go to the bathroom. Later.”

Zapp ran off towards the village before Leela could throw a punch in his general direction. Besides, she thought, there were more important things to deal with.

“Let me handle this,” Leela said to Fry and Bender as she approached a guard at the opening gates.

“Can I help you?” the guard asked when they reached him. He was a grotesque little fellow. In fact, it seemed as if some horrible disease was the only way to explain his frightening appearance. Leela opted to forget about the irony of it all, and instead answered the gatekeeper’s question.

“Yes. We’re from the Planet Express Delivery Service, and we have a case of anti-bacterial soap that we were asked to deliver.”

“I see,” the guard said. He then paused, and looked the crew up and down for a moment, trying to see if they were a threat to the germ-less society. The cyclops lady and the robot checked out okay, but that idiot in the jacket looked kind of suspicious.

“I’ll have to consult our leader before I can accept that parcel. Excuse me for a moment while I go get him,” he finally said, upon completing his inspection.

“No problem. We’ll wait right here,” Leela assured him as he left into the village.

A moment after the guard had left, another grotesque being approached the Planet Express crew. Needless to say, Leela was surprised to see Zapp coming out from in front of the opening gates.

“Zapp? What’re you doing here? I thought you went into the village to use the bathroom,” Leela said.

“Well, that creepy guard said I didn’t appear clean enough to enter. So, I just used nature’s bathroom,” Zapp answered.

“Oh dear lord,” Leela bemoaned. She then noticed two Benadrylians—the guard and another man Leela assumed was his leader—coming towards them from the village. “Here they come. Look, don’t say anything, Zapp. You’ve done enough already.”

“Gotcha,” Brannigan said.

“Welcome, strange-looking visitors,” the leader said upon reaching the front gates. “I am Ty Lenol, ruler of all you see before you. And who might you be?”

“Hello, sir,” Leela said. “I’m Turanga Leela, and these are my two co-workers, Philip J. Fry, Bender…” Leela paused. What was his last name again? Noticing the ruler staring at her, she improvised “Um…McBenderson. And, last and certainly least, this is our acquaintance…”

“Captain Zapp Brannigan…Esquire,” Zapp interrupted her.

Something in the gatekeeper’s eyes lit up. “Wait, I know you. You wanted to use the bathroom!” He then turned to his leader, to elaborate. “I wouldn’t let him in. You see, this guy is that big DOOP captain. Remembering his…reputation…with the ladies, I determined that he must be a breeding ground for germs, and so I wouldn’t let him into our village to use the facilities.”

Ty Lenol nodded. “I see. How did that work out for you, by the way?” he asked Zapp.

He smiled. “Well, I just relieved myself in…”

“Um, in the ship’s bathroom!” Leela answered for him. “Funny story. See, um…Zapp here forgot that the Nimbus already had a bathroom, and so…uh…that’s why he wanted to use yours. But, miraculously, he remembered after being rejected by your…um…handsome gatekeeper here. Good job by the way,” she turned to said handsome gatekeeper.

“Well, I try my best,” he said, blushing.

“Enough!” Mr. Lenol said. He was getting tired of all this. “Just show me the stupid crate of soap you guys were supposed to deliver!”

“Um, it’s right there, sir.” Leela pointed to the large box.

“Very good. It looks safe enough for me. Now bring it over here,” he instructed, pointing to Zapp.

“Why me?” the captain asked.

“Because I said so. Now just do it, before I pelt you all with Tums!” the leader intoned, viciously. He was getting sick and tired of all this stupidity.

“Okay, okay,” Zapp said. Brannigan hated being pushed around, but this grumpy old man was kind of creeping him out. The sooner he could get away from him, the better.

What happened next can only be described as, “Really, really, really unlikely”.

Zapp walked over to the crate, and picked it up. Or, at least he tried to. See, while Zapp is known for many things, his super-human strength is not one of them. So, lifting a heavy box was not something that came easily to the captain. But, once Leela shot him a glance cold enough to freeze his very sexy undercarriage, a second wind came over Captain Zapp Brannigan. He showed that delivery who was boss.

“So, where do you want it?” Zapp strained to ask as he lugged the crate towards the opening gates.

“Um…over there,” the society’s ruler answered him, pointing to his left.

“Here?” Zapp asked, struggling to catch his breath, and shifting from leg to leg with the weight of the package.

“No. More to the right,” Ty Lenol answered him.

“Oh. You mean here?” Zapp inquired, his frame shaking under the pressure.

“Hmmm…just slide over a tiny bit,” Mr. Lenol motioned with his hands.

“Okay, please tell me this is where you want the damn box…sir,” a very exhausted Zapp said when he moved to the area the leader had indicated.

“Perfect. Set ‘er down,” he said.

Now, here’s where the really, really, really unlikely part kicks in. Per that big jerk of a ruler’s instructions, Zapp dropped the box on the dirt path. Emphasis on ‘dropped’. And ‘dirt path’. You see, when a heavy object hits loose dirt, one can expect a big cloud of dust to emanate from the spot where said object hit said loose dirt.

Which is exactly what happened. So, as Zapp took several deep breaths to try to regain some semblance of consciousness, a big cloud of dust was forming. Now, as one might expect, Zapp happened to take a deep breath just as the billow of dirt was trafficking towards his nose. And, because God has a sense of humor, that dirt traveled right up Zapp’s schnoz.

Another quickie science lesson: when a fine substance like dust ends up stuffed in someone’s beak, then they’re bound to sneeze.

Which is precisely what Zapp did. And, to make matters worse, he sneezed right on the honorable Ty Lenol, ruler of the germophobic society known as the Benadrylians.

Would you like to venture a guess as to what happened next?

-----------------------------

Would you like to venture a guess as to what happened next? No? Really? Okay, then--I'll tell you.

Ty Lenol had mucus splattered on his face, an unpleasant sight for all. Leela, mortified, covered her face. In between the bouts of utter humiliation that followed, Leela found the time to mutter four simple words:

"We are so boned."

Fry and Bender stood there, slack-jawed (whether this was a result of shock or the usual stupidity is not clear). Fry looked over at his captain who had lowered her hands to cover her mouth. She looked over at him, and Leela's distinct look of terror shook Fry to his core.

The totally ignorant (yet completely sexy) Zapp Brannigan took a deep breath in, and then back out. He wiped his nose with his hand and then shook it to the ground.

For a moment, everything seemed to go in slow motion. Everybody's eyes followed the little glob of germs hit the ground. Followed by a quiet squishing sound.

The guard jumped and screeched in fear when he saw the snot hit the dirt. But somehow he managed to run over to his booth and hit a big red button. One of those big red buttons that Leela had seen hit so many times when the Planet Express crew was involved.

Ty Lenol, dared not to look at any of the Planet Express crew's faces, as he lifted his bony finger and pointed to the gate. Leela and company ran toward it without hearing his cry. As soon as everyone darted out from behind the gates, they slammed shut. Everyone in the village started screaming and running around in panic.

Bender, always eager to help, walked over to the guard before leaving. "Say buddy, he also took a wiz over in the bushes, just so you know."

The guard's eyes died. He pulled out a microphone and yelled into it, "Code P-P1! Code P-P1! This is not a drill!"

And then there was even more screaming and panicking from the villagers. The crew ran as fast as they could back to the Nimbus on a wave of terror. The ship immediately shot in the air, away from the planet. Inside, Leela just stood there, staring into the infinite void that is space. She wanted to yell at Zapp. Hell, forget yelling--she wanted to kill the bastard. But she was so shocked by what had just transpired that she could only replay everything in her head.

Fry looked out the small porthole down onto the now-small brown and greenish planet. In a moment of actual thought, he pointed to the orb and looked back at the other three. " I hope that that doesn't create a chain reaction. Those aliens are all gonna die otherwise."

Leela shot a glare at him. "Of course it'll create a chain reaction! If that leader touches any other member of his species they'll all get sick." She paused, before adding, "Thanks to you." She turned to Zapp, giving him her trademark icy stare. Her tone, however, was strangely calm. "Zapp, I said not to say anything. I said not to do anything stupid. How hard was it to listen to me? Now you've probably killed an entire species."

Kif looked over at Zapp and merely sighed, "It's the New Years party all over again."

Leela, deciding it was best not to ask Kif the obvious question, looked over at Zapp. "Don't you feel the least bit sorry?"

"Of course. I feel bad that I let you down, my lovely dove. And that I might have killed several villagers of a meek little inferior planet." Boy, Zapp sure knows how to win Leela over.

Leela threw her hands up, any semblance of composure leaving her being. "Oh shut up! Just drop us off at that gas station over there and leave us!"

Zapp shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't do that."

Leela talked through clenched teeth, slowly. "Why not?"

Zapp flicked his hand in the air, "Because, you promised me that you'd pick up my laundry-ack!"

Leela had now yanked him by the collar and was only two inches away from his face.

"Look bub, you're lucky that I don't rip your tongue out and choke you with it! Now I know that in a few hours we're all gonna get our asses kicked because you sneezed on a germophobic ruler! So just let us go wallow in our own guilt back at home!" These last few hours had proved to Leela that she couldn't stand being in the same universe--let alone room--with Captain Zapp Brannigan.

Bender intervened in the conversation. "Whoa, wait a minute. You're saying that because he sneezed on some losers who can't stand a sniffle, we're all gonna get our asses kicked?"

Fry shrugged, and, in a moment of insight, said, "What's the big deal? That always happens to us."

Leela and Bender both nodded realizing he was right. Leela began pacing back and forth staring at the floor.

"What will happen to them? Oh I hope they don't all die," she said, panic rising in her voice. Damn compassion--it had a way of making suckers out of everyone.

The citizens of Benadryl 47 were all Leela could think about for the short time remaining until they reached the gas station. When the Nimbus finally pulled into Greasy Bob's Fill-Up Station, the Planet Express ship was loaded into the garage to be repaired. Planet Express' farewells to the crew of the Nimbus were not long or meaningful. Although that punch in the face Leela had delivered to Zapp did carry some meaning. Namely, "Get the hell away from me."

Fry, Leela, and Bender walked over to the convenience store located next to the garage. Fry and Bender went and looked for some snacks while Leela discussed their situation to the clerk at the counter. She didn't expect him to care (which worked out, because he didn't), but at least it was a way to vent. A few minutes later, she found Fry in the candy aisle looking at some classic gum. Dewey's Chewy Pooey, Spider Yum, Double-Double Mint-Mint Fresh-Fresh, and Gumi-licious. He looked up from the selections when his captain approached him.

She crossed her arms and sighed, "They said that they'll repair it to where it's functional enough to get back to earth. But we won't be able to fly it for a while afterwards."

Fry guided his hand to randomly select one of the gums, ultimately choosing the Gumi-licious ("Now With Even More Dextrose!" ).

He then looked back at Leela. "So how long will we be here?"

They walked over to find Bender, who was, of course, in the back looking for beer. He was scanning the rows of bottles looking for the perfect one.

"The guy said it'll be about an hour. I guess we'll have to call the Professor to tell him we'll be a little late," Leela answered after a brief pause.

Fry thought for a moment. "Do you know the number?"

Leela began to speak then stopped. "Uh...no. I'd always call him from the ship, and it has his number automatically stored. I guess I'll have to look in the phone book. I'll be back in a minute."

She made her way from the back of the store, to the front, and out the doors. Leela walked over to one of the phone booths and picked up one of the big phone books. She held it in her arm and flipped through the pages. She first looked for the company name under the 'P' section. She didn't find it. Leela then looked under 'D' for ‘Delivery Company’. As she leafed through the pages, the frustrated captain realized that that particular phone book wasn't for the Galaxy State Area that Earth was found in.

Annoyed, Leela set the book back down and put a quarter in the slot. She dialed the operator and asked for the Planet Express office, which was probably what she should have done in the first place. While she contemplated this, Hermes appeared on the small screen of the phone. He squinted to see who it was until he recognized Leela's hard-to-miss eye.

"Oh Leela! How was da mission?" an unusually cheerful Hermes waved to her.

Leela was caught off-guard by his glee. Nervous, she diverted her eyes and answered, "Uh...ok..."

"So why are you callin'? You be tying up da phone line," Hermes inquired curiously.

Leela then looked back at the bureaucrat. "Well, on our way back we got caught in a meteor shower. And the ship is pretty damaged, so we'll be back late." She was confident in her answer. Hey, it wasn't a total lie.

"Ok," Hermes shrugged. "When do you expect to be back?"

Leela thought for a moment, estimating the time. "A few hours," she said. Then, as an afterthought, added, "Hopefully."

"Fair enough," he nodded. "I'll tell da Professa that you'll be late."

Leela smiled at him. "Thanks Hermes. See you later."

He waved to her once more as she hung up the phone. Leela wondered why Hermes had been so laid back. Before she could explore the situation more deeply, Leela heard a gunshot coming from inside the store. She was taken aback by it, but then remembered who her co-workers were.

"What have you done now Bender?" she muttered.

Leela walked back in looking for the bending unit she figured was behind all this.

Without thinking she yelled as she walked in, "Bender! What are you doing?"

Bender saw her and frowned.

"Hiding from death. You might wanna join us."

She looked down and saw that Fry and Bender were covering themselves from the real thief. He was a large robot with a mask over his face. He had a laser pistol built into his arm and was aiming it at the terrified clerk, who had his hands up. The robot turned to a surprised, and slightly confused, Leela. She surrendered herself by throwing her arms in the air and kneeling on the floor.

She gave his a fake smile. "You're not Bender. Sorry for interrupting you."

The robot shrugged. "Happens all the time. Now back to business." He turned back to the clerk, "Hand me all of the money! And every issue of Entertainment Weekly you got! And this pack of sugar-free Reese's!"

Leela crawled over to her two crewmates, undetected by the robber. Bender was shooting her a nasty look and Fry was only panicking.

A few minutes later the three heard the thief scream. "You're out of Entertainment Weekly! You bastard!"

Without any communication, the clerk was shot. Fry and Leela gasped to themselves and sheltered their eyes from what could be considered the prelude to the massacre that was in the making elsewhere.

They heard Bender moan quietly, "Aw, man! The one time I forget to bring my camera!"

--------------------

They heard Bender moan quietly, "Aw, man! The one time I forget to bring my camera!"

"Shut up, Bender," Leela managed to whisper, her voice shaking. She prayed that that killing machine hadn't heard her--she just wanted him to leave already.

Which he did. After the robber made his departure, Leela got up slowly and walked over to the clerk. She checked for a pulse, and her own heart stopped when she felt none. She turned to Fry and Bender.

"He's dead," was all she could manage.

Fry was still on the floor, frozen. Bender got up and poked the victim with a Slim Jim, just to make sure Leela had been correct in her diagnosis.

"The cyclops lady's right," he said nonchalantly upon completing his inspection. "We better call the cops."

The police arrived a few minutes later, only to find the body of the clerk and a lot of frightened employees in the back room. And the Planet Express trio, who, being the closest to the scene of the crime, were all asked questions about the robbery. You know, the usual stuff.

"Did you kill him?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure you're sure?"

"Yes.”

"You can tell me if you did. It's cool. Really, I'm okay with it. So, did you kill him?"

"No."

"You know, if you just said 'yes' it would make my job a whole lot easier."

"Um...can I go now?"

By the time the questioning was complete, the repairs to the Planet Express ship had been finished. The turbulent ride back to Earth seemed to take an eternity.

------------------

Elsewhere in the universe, more specifically on board the Nimbus, Captain Zapp Brannigan sat in his big important chair and watched the videophone screen. Brannigan was pretending to listen to Earth President Richard M. Nixon bark at him viciously.

"Brannigan! What in blazes have you done?" Zapp could have sworn the man was foaming at the mouth.

"What do you mean Mr. President?" he asked.

"Don't get cocky with me boy, I know that you sneezed on Lenol. The man's dying! The whole Benadrylian civilization is a mess." At that moment Nixon found himself wishing he had arms, just so he could strangle Brannigan, a strange sensation that struck every time the president phoned the Nimbus.

Zapp seemed oblivious to the problem, but proud of his job well done. "Wow! I really did that?"

"Shut up, dammit! How do you expect to explain all this without getting Earth blown up?"

Hmm... Zapp didn't like the sound of that whole Earth getting blown up thing. Still, he figured his lovely assistant Kif would be able to get him out of all this trouble. Besides, the captain had other things to focus on. Like that big piece of lettuce that was stuck between Nixon's teeth.

"Brannigan, are you listening to me?" Nixon asked, frustrated.

Zapp merely flashed his own pearly whites, trying to think of something to say. Then, seemingly channeling a competent individual, he came up with a plan. "No need to worry, sir. I'll hold a press conference tomorrow and apologize to this Lenol fella directly."

Nixon was hardly amused. "You'd better do more then that, dammit! I know Ty Lenol, and I know all those Bendrylians. There are 47 planets! And those guys are very hard to please. You make one more mistake and they'll turn on all of us like that!"

This did seem to have an effect on Zapp. He tried to look solemn as he faced the President.

The honorable Captain Zapp Brannigan put his hand up reassuringly. "I promise that no harm will come to Earth. You can quote me on that."

Nixon shook his head. "Oh, don't worry, I will." He laughed for a moment, in a way that made Zapp very nervous. "I'll see you tomorrow, Brannigan."

Zapp nodded, then saluted. "President Nixon."

The screen went blank.

---------------------------------

The next day the entire Planet Express crew traveled to New Jersey to see some press conference that the DOOP was holding. Leela, being the only member of the PE team with some common sense, assumed that it was in reference to the "incident" that had occured the day prior. The first thing she noticed upon their arrival were the crowds of journalistic hacks who were surrounding the outside of the building, jotting down notes about Zapp Brannigan giving birth to a mutant chimpanzee baby, and President Nixon taking a shower with Julia Roberts' head. Leela figured that the stories in the tabloids would be even more outrageous.

Anyway, after making their way through the crowds outside, the crewmembers decided to stand near the back of the building. That way, if Zapp happened to sneeze again and start a 293rd Intergalactic Worlds War, they would beat the mad dash to the parking lot.

Zapp was standing at a podium, waving to the crowd. Fry, who was standing next to Leela, gazed at Brannigan and then turned to his captain.

"He doesn't look very guilty," Fry whispered.

Leela sighed. "Of course not. He's too cocky to give a rat's ass."

I'm sure that on some level that no one else really knew, Zapp did feel at least a little bit guilty. Of course, I'm just guessing. Chances are, he was probably too cocky to give a rat's ass. But that's not something we can prove.

After one more wave, Zapp cleared his throat and put a tight grasp on the edges of the podium, before giving his opening statement:

"My fellow Earthicans, there has been a bit of a...disturbance...in the vast space that is...space. This disturbance involved myself and three others, who will remain anonymous for the time being. Anyway, I was doing my part in the community by helping said threesome," Zapp couldn't help but wink when he said that last word, "Although it ended horribly, with an honorable ruler lying on his death bed. For which, of course, I am deeply sorry. Yes, that's it, sorry. I am sorry for you, the people, and, of course, Emperor Ty Lenol. Whom I hope forgives me, 'cause, like I said, I'm sorry. Really."

And then Zapp lowered his head in order to look as if he was crying. But, he perked back up and added, "I will now take questions."

A man with a long mustache threw his arm up. "Yes, you, Alf over there," Zapp said, pointing to the man.

The man asked in a booming voice, "Captain Brannigan, sir, according to a statement you made yesterday, you have already identified the 'threesome' that were involved in the 'disturbance' as the Planet Express delivery crew."

Zapp shifted his eyes back and forth. Surely, someone had forced him to admit that, using sexy lingerie, or a something shiny.

Seeing an opportunity, Zapp answered the man. "Yes, yes I did. Actually, it was all their fault. Disregard everything I just said."

In the back, the Planet Express crew started muttering to each other in disagreement. Leela slapped her forehead and sighed. She knew something like this was bound to happen. It was times like these that she really wished she had become an orthodontist.

Before Leela could act upon the rage that was forming within her, a screen was lowered next to Zapp and some other guys sitting next to Zapp that no one actually knew. A bed-rested Ty Lenol appeared on the screen. He had tubes and a bunch of pointy thingies sticking out of him, and was enclosed in a big bubble. Ty somehow managed to muster the strength to lift his head and face the crowd, and began speaking:

"Listen to you people. This buffoon of a human is your defender? Did any of you ever wonder how the hell he got in such a position of power in the first place?"

"Democracy?" Fry guessed. Leela glared at him.

"Exactly!" Lenol exclaimed, disgusted. "And look at what it's gotten you. A moron like Zapp Brannigan! How can you expect this buffoon to be the man to save your planet? He can't even take credit for his own mistakes without blaming them on someone else!"

Leela noticed Zapp beginning to squirm, and she took a sadistic glee in watching the sorry excuse for a leader crack under the pressure.

Ty continued. "All of you are a bunch of idiots who show nothing but disrespect for your alien superiors. Maybe it's about time we teach you all a valuable lesson."

Before anyone could take a whack at guessing what exactly the lesson was, the screen cut out.

There was a murmur of concern. Bender, realizing that he hadn't said anything in a while, decided to speak up.

"What the hell was that about? 'Maybe we'll teach you a lesson'?"

"Maybe they meant a lesson on how to bake a cake. Oh, how generous they are!"

Fry looked over to his elder nephew, and leaned in to ask, "Did we just get into more trouble?"

The Professor shrugged, "Maybe. I mean everything that stupid alien said about our stupid society was true. Maybe we'll be pulled into some stupid war. Stop bothering me with your stupid questions, you stupid ass."

Fry sighed and stared ahead, wondering about the days ahead. Would he be alive on Sunday? Would anyone be alive tomorrow? Or was it the end of society as he knew it?

--------------------------


All us, more to come, enjoy.

[Reply #39 on:]

Ah, Spacedal, while I appreciate the compliment, you're much too hard on yourself! When it comes to "revising" the parts of the story that you send to me, I consider myself little more than a beta. All I have to do is read through your awesome updates, and check for any little mistakes. If the urge strikes, I might feel the need to act like an idiot and add a "joke" or something like that. But, all in all, your updates are funny and dramatic and whatever else the story calls for. Excellent job, my friend.

That said, here's an update that's full of me acting like an idiot! I'm not sure how it turned out, or if it even makes any sense--I like it, but I don't think that that's really saying much. I guess it's your call, Spacedal.

---------------------------

Meanwhile, on a planet far, far away, the esteemed Benadrylian potentate, Ty Lenol, was in the middle of a very important conference regarding the fate of Earth.

“Can’t this wait until the Daytime Emmys are over?!” he barked at one of the annoying peons that felt it necessary to disturb him in his recovery room.

Said annoying peon, otherwise known as Will, took a deep breath, and then spoke. “Sir, I think it would be a good idea to discuss how exactly you plan to teach the Earthicans a lesson. I mean, you kind of left them hanging there.”

“That’s the point, you moron! I want to leave those puny Earthlings dangling for a day or two, before we start attacking. That’s what makes these sort of things so fun, dammit!” Jeez, for a guy who was knocking on Death’s Door, Ty Lenol was pretty loud.

“I understand that, sir, but there’s still the matter of how we go about actually attacking them. I mean, hand-to-hand combat is definitely out of the question. Did you know that most of those squishy humans don’t even wash their hands after they go to the bathroom?” Will shuddered at the thought.

“Hmmm…you have a good point.”

“Thank you, sir. Now, as I was saying, indirect combat is definitely going to be our best bet.”

“Indirect combat, eh? Elaborate…” Ty Lenol squinted to read his aide’s nametag. “Um, Jill.”

“My name is Will, sir.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Um, right. Er, anyway, our Department of War has come up with a list of options to choose from. Just pick the one you feel is most cruel and unusual,” Will suggested as he handed his leader a piece of paper.

Ty Lenol contemplated the list for a moment. After about a minute or so, he handed the slip back to Will.

“Ah, you’ve made your decision, sir?”

“Yes, yes I have.”

“And that decision would be?”

“The last one,” Ty Lenol answered, indicating it on the list. Will laughed maniacally at this.

“Oh sir, you’re such an evil genius!” he exclaimed, in awe of his leader’s military prowess.

“Yes, I know that,” Ty Lenol said as he turned back to his TV. “Now get the hell out of here! They’re about to present the award for ‘Best Performance as a Comatose Nymphomaniac With Only Three-and-a-Half Hours to Live’!”

“Um…okay,” Will said, backing out of the room.

Before he was gone, he heard Ty Lenol call out, “Susan Lucci, I love you!”

As Will left the room, he idly wondered if idiocy was a prerequisite for being in a position of power…

---------------------------

Lieutenant Kif Kroker often wondered what it would be like if he had chosen a different career. Like a pharmacist, or a mailman. Or a lion tamer. Any of those were pretty appealing choices when compared to his current field of expertise. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy his job, it was just that…no, actually, that was pretty much it. Well, maybe it wasn’t so much the job, but the guy he had to deal with.

Zapp Brannigan was the male equivalent of a large gorilla. Kif had known this when he took the job. But he was naïve—he thought that maybe he could change Zapp for the better. But now, years later, Kif had regretted the decision to be Zapp’s second-in-command. Especially on days like this.

Sure, nothing official had been said by Ty Lenol—the Benadrylian emperor—but Kif knew that it was only a matter of time before the fighting broke out. The concept of war was not something new the lieutenant. Nor was the concept of Zapp being the cause of the war. Still, he hated the thought of having to engage in yet another confrontation. He expected the war to be short—we were dealing with a society of germophobes, here—but he still couldn’t stand the thought. It was times like this when Kif wondered why a pseudo-man as squeamish as himself had chosen a career that required seeing so much carnage. And being the cause of all that carnage was pretty hard to bear.

Anyway, that’s what Kif was contemplating the evening after the Press Conference from Hell. There was nothing to do around the Nimbus, so he had a lot of time to think. He hated that. Suddenly, a familiar voice drew him out of his reverie.

“That Susan Lucci certainly has a nice pair of gonzos, doesn’t she, Kif?” Zapp Brannigan asked his lieutenant. The captain, being the dignified man of culture that he was, stood before his second-in-command wearing nothing but a towel. You see, he had just gotten out of the shower, and Kif’s job entailed the he dry Zapp off after such a practice.

Kif answered him with a sound that cannot be exclusively described as a sigh. It was more like a moan, with just a hint of a wail thrown in there for dramatic effect. Not only was Zapp being obnoxious, but he had also chosen a very small towel, and it was giving Kif a pretty nice view of his boss’s…ass.

“Shall I get the baby oil, sir?” Kif asked when he could regain the ability to speak.

“Yes, I would enjoy very much if you would do that, Kif,” Zapp said.

Kif silently thanked everything that was good and holy for the opportunity to leave the room, even if only for a brief while. “Of course you would. I’ll be back in a moment.”

While Kif was gone, Zapp looked out one of the Nimbus’s innumerable windows and noticed something. “Say, Kif, how come the ship’s not moving?” Being the experienced starship captain that he was, Zapp knew that moving was one of the things that the ship was supposed to do.

“All intergalactic flights are grounded until they sort all of this Benadrylian business out, sir,” Kif answered upon his return from Operation: Baby Oil. “We’re docked right outside the DOOP Headquarters, as a matter of fact.” He let out an audible shudder as the events of that afternoon came back to him.

“Ah, good old New Jersey—home of drugs, smut, and corruption,” Zapp sighed.

“Yes,” Kif said. “Oh, that reminds me. President Nixon is going to be calling here in about…” he checked his watch. “17 seconds.”

“Nixon? What’s he calling about?”

“Well, I’m just going to venture a guess and say that he’s calling to congratulate you for your wonderful display of…leadership…at the press conference this afternoon.” Over his years at the DOOP, Kif had learned that an occasional dose of sarcasm was a great way to deal with having Zapp as a boss.

“Really?” Zapp asked, hopefully.

“No.”

“Oh. Very well, then.” There was a moment of silence.
   
“Oh, right,” Kif said, realizing something. “5…4…3…2…1…” Suddenly, Richard M. Nixon’s pretty face filled the videophone screen. “There you go,” the lieutenant said to his captain.

“Um…thanks,” Zapp said as he turned to face the screen. “How do you do, President Nixon…sir?”

“Can it, Brannigan! Do you have any idea how much trouble that little press conference of yours cost us?” Nixon barked.

“Oh, come on, sir. It couldn’t have been that much of a disaster,” Zapp said, highly doubting that a man as charismatic as himself could have done too much damage.

“Have you ever seen Ashton Kutcher’s head on Broadway?”

“Yeah…”

“It was an even bigger catastrophe than that, you moron!” Nixon exclaimed.

“Impossible!” Zapp said.

“No, it isn’t,” Nixon assured him.

“Yes, it is,” Zapp rebutted.

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is.”

“NO it isn’t!”

“YES, it is!”

Kif sighed as he watched the two argue. “This could go on for a while,” he said quietly to himself, recalling the infamous Bounty/Brawny debates of 2996. Both brands had their merits: Bounty dominated the super-strength field, while Brawny commanded the Sexy-Guy-in-a-Plaid-Shirt domain. The arguments became heated, and led to the invention of a new cleaning device altogether: Gorgeous guys with super-strength coming to your house and cleaning up any domestic mess with their sexy, yet sensible, plaid shirts.

Before Kif could let his mind wander any farther into the annals of erotic housekeeping, he heard a loud noise coming from the vicinity of the ship’s loading dock.

“Kif, could you go check that out?!” Zapp shouted, taking a break from his important business with the president of Earth.

“Of course, sir,” Kif said, walking towards the dock.

“Good,” Zapp said. “Now where were we?” he asked, turning back to the President.

“Look, Brannigan, let’s forget this petty arguing for a minute, alright? We’ve got bigger fish to fry at the moment!” Nixon said.

“Like what?” Zapp asked.

“Well, how about we talk about Ty Lenol’s little threat this afternoon. Do you remember that, Zapp?”

“Refresh my memory—who’s Ty Lenol again?”

Nixon rolled his eyes. “Look, do the words ‘maybe it's about time we teach you all a valuable lesson’ ring a bell?”

Zapp thought for a moment before answering. “No.”

“Focus, dammit! My cabinet thinks that we have no choice now but to go to war with the Benadrylians. Do you know how much of the government’s money that’s going to cost? A lot! And I was gonna use that towards a new hairpiece.”

“That must be some hairpiece, sir,” Zapp interjected.

“You bet your sweet ass it is! I’ve had my eye on the Rugmaster 7000 for months, Brannigan. And if you get in the way of my owning it, then I’ll have your head!”

“Alright, alright—calm down, Dick. I’m sure this will just pass.”

“Like hell it will! For all we know, those lousy Benadrylians could be plotting our downfall right now.”

Before Zapp could process Nixon’s words, he was interrupted by Kif’s reappearance. The squishy green alien was carrying a package. A sexy-looking package.

“This came for you, sir,” Kif announced, handing the parcel to Zapp.

“Well, what is it?”

“It’s against federal regulations for me to open someone else’s mail, sir. I just heard a ruckus coming from the loading dock, and when I went to see what all the commotion was about, I discovered that someone had left this package, addressed to you.”

“Do you at least know who it’s from?”

“No, sir. Before I could see who had delivered it, they were gone.”

“Obviously they were intimidated by the sexy vibe that I emit throughout the entire tri-county area,” Zapp guessed. “Poor soul. You’ve gotta pity people like him—the ones who weren’t gifted with a face like this,” he cooed.

“For Stalin’s sake, just open the damn box already!” Nixon was desperate to stop the captain’s incessant babbling.

“Of course,” Zapp said as he tore the package open. “Hmm…there’s a note in here.”

“Who’s it from?” Nixon asked.

“Oh, isn’t that just the sweetest thing! It’s a little message from Ty Lenol. He says that he forgives me for nearly killing him, and that he’d like to offer me a token of peace,” Zapp answered.

Kif and Nixon shared uneasy looks. “Um, sir, don’t you find it rather odd that Ty Lenol would leave us with such a cryptic message, only to forgive you a few hours later?”

Zapp stared at his assistant for a minute. “Huh?” he asked, finally.

“He’s saying that you shouldn’t believe what Ty Lenol has to say, you idiot!” Richard Nixon translated for the captain.

But, it was a waste of breath. You see, Zapp has about the attention span of a mentally challenged turkey zoned-out on cough medicine. So, while Nixon was elaborating on why Zapp shouldn’t believe what Ty Lenol has to say, the DOOP captain was busy opening up the so-called token of peace enclosed in his package.

“Ooo, candy!” he said as he removed his present.

“Did he just say ‘candy’?” Nixon asked Kif, as Zapp examined the pink saucer.

“I’m on it,” Kif assured the president as he approached Zapp. “Sir, don’t you think there’s just a teeny, tiny possibility that that isn’t really candy?”

“No,” Zapp answered him, as he popped the piece of “candy” into his mouth. “Hmm…this candy sure leaves an interesting aftertaste, Kif,” the captain noted, before promptly dropping to the floor.

“Any chance that was actually candy?” Kif asked President Nixon. Meanwhile, Zapp was rolling around on the floor, gagging.

“I don’t think so,” Nixon answered him, as Zapp began to turn purple.

“Me neither,” Kif said, accepting his fate. He kneeled down next to the nearly-lifeless captain and rolled up his sleeve. “Sir, this is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you,” he assured Zapp. “Trust me.”

President Nixon looked on in disgust as Kif performed an emergency procedure that consisted mainly of the lieutenant shoving his hand down Zapp’s windpipe, then retracting it after a long moment. Zapp began to come to as Kif examined the foreign object that the big velour-covered lummox had swallowed.

“What is it?” Nixon asked.

“I’m not sure,” Kif answered him, before turning back to Zapp. “Are you okay, sir?”

Zapp answered him by clearing his throat, in a futile attempt to regain some of him nonexistent dignity. He then looked to the piece of not-candy that had caused him all of this trouble.

“That’s the most horrific experience I’ve ever had with my pants still on!”

-----------------------

I was thinking I could write the next section, if that's okay with you, Spacedal. I mean, you've been writing a lot of the story lately, and I figure I should return the favor. Besides, I actually have a couple of good ideas, for once. But, it's definitely up to you. Hope you enjoyed this update, at least.

EDIT: Hey, if you decide to let me write this next section, I'm gonna have to ask you for a favor. You sent me a scene a few months back (it was between Leela and Amy) that you wanted to incorporate, and in all of my "Yahoo doesn't work!" madness, I lost the e-mail, and, thus, I no longer have that scene. I was thinking of writing up to that scene, and then handing the reigns back over to you, if that's okay. If that's the case, then I'm gonna need that scene again. So just let me know, I guess. (And sorry...)

This post brought to you by the Bumpin' Ghost of Threads Past