Futurama   Planet Express Employee Lounge
The Futurama Message Board

Design and Support by Can't get enough Futurama
Help Search Futurama chat Login Register

PEEL - The Futurama Message Board    Melllvar's Erotic Friend Fiction    The new kid tries his hand at writing « previous next »
Author Topic: The new kid tries his hand at writing  (Read 989 times)
Pages: 1 [2] Print
SpaceCase

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #40 on: 07-31-2005 13:45 »
« Last Edit on: 07-31-2005 13:45 »

@Spacedahl11: The tongue-lashing I meant was the one from Bender.

@Venus: Thanks for reminding me: That one slipped my mind (darn slippery mind!). I perceive that Leela may have come to discount Bender’s going-off like that. Fry is a different matter; he seems to be a little closer to where she lives.

More later.

<Edit>

YES! TOTPD!  big grin
Ralph Snart

Agent Provocateur
Near Death Star Inhabitant
DOOP Secretary
*
« Reply #41 on: 07-31-2005 19:09 »

>@Venus: Thanks for reminding me: That one slipped my mind (darn slippery mind!). I perceive that Leela may have come to discount Bender’s going-off like that. Fry is a different matter; he seems to be a little closer to where she lives
-----

Granted Leela and Bender have had their moments - Leela often hits Bender; has been known to rip his arm off, but he has never threatened her life.  That should be enough to make her upset, especially since she was carrying so much raw emotion that wasn't being given a proper outlet.
SpaceCase

Liquid Emperor
**
« Reply #42 on: 08-02-2005 12:54 »
« Last Edit on: 11-15-2008 20:16 »

Hello Ralph Snart (and associates),

<Disclaimer:> The following is 100% opinion!

First: I saw your story posted at TLZ - Congratulations! Now yer a published author!  big grin

Now I'll continue with my character assassination on with my review of part 3:
    • Leela steps in front of Fry as he is approaching his locker. This seems rather more aggressive an action than Leela's apparent emotional state would justify. As written, is suggests she's spoiling for a confrontation. This contradicts her delicate emotional state you have so carefully described so far.
    • When Fry replies to her, you note the coldness of his voice. I had more the impression of an impenetrable wall. Also, you said, "She knew she really hurt him badly this time." This makes it seem whatever hurt she refers to has been relatively recent, like within the last couple of days, not the break-up of ten months ago.
    • Fry's, ah... 'explosive' reaction to Leela, however is completely believable.
    • Leela's reaction to Fry's going off on her, hmm... It seems more in-character for Leela to return to her office and then break-down, but you don't make it clear if she's starting to cry on the way. Normally, I think Leela would be strong enough to contain herself until she was alone, but you carefully describe her as being much more emotionally volatile' (sic) for this story.
    • "Amy stared at the one-eyed, wide-hipped Amazon..." I loved this description of Leela from Amy's point of view.

    • I can understand Amy unloading on Leela, but it seems like Amy is "kicking her when she's down," to an extent. Though I'll take this as Amy's way of gently saying, 'DO SOMETHING!'

    • I don't know enough about the subject to say, but I wonder if Leela is falling into the "victim's mentality."
    • Ah, the 'ere underestimated Dr. Zoidberg. His saying "ah'm" for "I'm" makes him sound like a southerner. He's not. Please, (PLEASE!) don't fall into the trap of swapping Zoidy's w's for v's. I know Venus has done it; I know she's done it in tribute(?) to Kryten, but: Zoidberg don't talk that way.

    • Zoidberg injects Leela with valium? Um... No doctor is going to administer medication to a patient without consent unless there's an immediate danger to their life. Yes, Zoidy isn't the most gifted doctor, yes Leela is in a world of anguish: As written, you give no indication that Zoidberg feels the aforementioned danger exists.

    • When Leela awakens, I think you nailed that 'coming out of the fog' feeling just right. Also, in her conversation with Zoidberg, you said the magic woid's to justify Zoidbergs medicating Leela; "Suicide booth." Bringing this up earlier would make things a lot more believable.
    • Zoidy knows Dr. Phil's head? <Stunned silence> Well, remember what I said about 'underestimated'?  wink
    • When Leela smiles at Zoidberg, I felt this was the first hope she'd had in ten months. Good job.

    <SC check's list>

    That's all I have for now. Keep it up.

    TTYL...
      tongue [/list]
    Ralph Snart

    Agent Provocateur
    Near Death Star Inhabitant
    DOOP Secretary
    *
    « Reply #43 on: 08-02-2005 18:23 »

    Leela steps in front of Fry as he is approaching his locker. This seems rather more aggressive an action than Leela’s apparent emotional state would justify. As written, is suggests she’s spoiling for a confrontation. This contradicts her delicate emotional state you have so carefully described so far.

    - Leela's never one for affairs of being subtle; we all know that she has a 'pedal to the metal, full speed ahead' type personna, so being direct, even when upset is her norm. 

    When Fry replies to her, you note the coldness of his voice. I had more the impression of an impenetrable wall. Also, you said, “… She knew she really hurt him badly this time…” This makes it seem whatever hurt she refers to has been relatively recent, like within the last couple of days, not the break-up of ten months ago.

    - Ah, but that's the thing about rejection and feelings, they tend to fester.  Also, just hours earlier, Bender had given Fry a list of Leela's transgressions against Fry for four years, so reaching his flash point was just a matter of when, not if.


    Fry’s, ah… “explosive” reaction to Leela, however is completely believable.

    - Once again, everybody has a limit.  FRy had reached his.

    Leela’s reaction to Fry’s going off on her, hmm… It seems more in-character for Leela to return to her office and then break-down, but you don’t make it clear if she’s starting to cry on the way. Normally, I think Leela would be strong enough to contain herself until she was alone, but you carefully describe her as being much more emotionally ‘volatile’ (sic) for this story.

    - Leela has been known to lower her guard and cry in front of his peers (I Second That Emotion, Leela's Homeword)).  As much as Leela would like to think otherwise, she is not Iron Woman.

    “Amy stared at the one-eyed, wide-hipped Amazon…” I loved this description of Leela from Amy’s point of view.

    - I work with women, and I am AMAZED at the amount of cattiness that I see daily.  Amy has been known to make catty remarks to Leela (Parasites Lost - 'Leela, you really should use a facial scrub for your pores').

    I can understand Amy unloading on Leela, but it seems like Amy is ‘kicking her when she’s down’, to an extent. Though I’ll take this as Amy’s way of gently saying, “DO SOMETHING, DAMNIT!”

    - No, in my eyes, Amy feels that Leela has been a tad too haughty and has been jerking Fry around for a long time.  Amy still likes Fry and feels that Leela has bought the tongue lashing upon herself.  Amy wanted to say more, but self=preservation kicked in; Leela could kick Amy's ass seven days out of seven.

    I don’t know enough about the subject to say, but I wonder if Leela is falling into the ‘victim’s mentality’.

    - Just overwhelmed; she has nobody to talk about her feelings, and no way to vent her frustrations (except for chewing on Bender's shiny metal ass).

    Ah, the ‘ere underestimated Dr. Zoidberg. His saying “ah’m” for “I’m” makes him sound like a southerner. He’s not. Please, (PLEASE!) don’t fall into the trap of swapping Zoidy’s w’s for v’s. I know Venus has done it; I know she’s done it in tribute(?) to Kryten, but: Zoidberg don’t talk that way.

    - Sorry, trying to do the Zoidberg speech patterns in writing is difficult, so I screwed up there.

    Zoidberg injects Leela with valium? Um… No doctor is going to administer medication to a patient without consent unless there’s an immediate danger to their life. Yes, Zoidy isn’t the most gifted doctor, yes Leela is in a world of anguish: As written, you give no indication that Zoidberg feels the aforementioned danger exists.

    - I will make her labile mental status molre clear in the revison.  A doctor can prescribe treatments to a patient if he/she feels that the patient is a rsik to themself or to others without the patients consent.  Zoidy saw a meltdown in progress and a person about to lose control, so he intervened.

    When Leela awakens, I think you nailed that ‘coming out of the fog’ feeling just right. Also, in her conversation with Zoidberg, you said the magic woid’s to justify Zoidbergs medicating Leela; “Suicide booth.” Bringing this up earlier would make things a lot more believable.

    - I will do so in the revision.

    Zoidy knows Dr. Phil’s head? <Stunned silence> Well, remember what I said about ‘underestimated’?

    - Hooray for Zoidberg!  Just more things that we don't know about our filthy crab.

    When Leela smiles at Zoidberg, I felt this was the first hope she’d had in ten months. Good job.

    - Thanks. 

    9Best Elvis imitation) Thank You, ThankYouVeryMuch.

    I appreciate all comments, compliments and critisisms directed at my story.  I am in the process of revising parts 2 -6 to take care of gramatical and spelling errors before sending them to 'Futurama Madhouse' for publishing.

    Spacedal11

    Space Pope
    ****
    « Reply #44 on: 08-02-2005 19:46 »

     
    Quote
    Originally posted by SpaceCase:
    @Spacedal11: The tongue-lashing I meant was the one from Bender.

    I figured. And as I said, I think Leela had a right to cry. I don't know that crying is what she would have done in Bender's case. But freaking out and realizing how bad she has become when Bender points it out, I would agree to.

    You spelled my name with an 'h'. I fixed it.


    Best Fucking Friends Forever?
    Venus

    Urban Legend
    ***
    « Reply #45 on: 08-02-2005 23:47 »

    I think it would be more believable for Zoidberg to 'know' Dr. Phil in the same way Bender 'knows' Calculon and Elzar.
    Spacedal11

    Space Pope
    ****
    « Reply #46 on: 08-02-2005 23:59 »

    I like that idea. It makes more sense then Zoidberg having an actaul friendship with Dr. Phil. No one will ever be an actual friend of Zoidberg. Very sad.
    jle1993

    Liquid Emperor
    **
    « Reply #47 on: 06-24-2006 15:52 »

    Right before I comment on the story, i'm going to say something, anyone who didn't like the story has bad taste. I finally find someone who sees that Fry and Leela should be together and people poke holes in the story. The story was wonderful goddamn it, why can't more people see that. Fry and Leela are ment to be, do you understand me you no taste jerks, they are ment to be!!!
    Anyway, about the story,I loved it, the whole Fry relises he deserves better and Leela blocking everyone, and the she relises she should treat Fry better and then they get back together thing, it was FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC. Write more storys, I need them, they give me hope for the future and Fry and Leela. PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Pages: 1 [2] Print 
    « previous next »
    Jump to:  

    Powered by SMF | SMF © 2006, Simple Machines | some icons from famfamfam
    Legal Notice & Disclaimer: "Futurama" TM and copyright FOX, its related entities and the Curiosity Company. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of these materials in any form is expressly prohibited. As a fan site, this Futurama forum, its operators, and any content on the site relating to "Futurama" are not explicitely authorized by Fox or the Curiosity Company.
    Page created in 0.105 seconds with 17 queries.