Originally posted by DrThunder88:
Tongue Luck: Where the heck are you?
Up your face! Hahahaha!!!
Starts out all intriguing and subdued. I like that. As with your
other fic, this one already shows the ability to strike a healthy balance between the serious, plot heavy stuff and the gags, even if that means briefly turning one off in favor of the other. Sort of like a shipfic when done properly, only with less "Awww..." and more "Ah..." And without any rocks getting thrown at someone who innocently made that comparison... Right?
Fry doesn't realize he's on the top bunk, and he swings his legs over the side and falls like a sack of potatoes.
This amused me far too much. Something about Fry being thwarted by a piece of furniture that's easily mastered by ten year olds everywhere.
Also, I have Duran Duran's Hungry Like the Wolf on a mix CD, and I'm not ashamed to admit it!Chapter 2
Fry raises his hand.
Yay. I love when people raise their hands in non-school contexts. Another point for childish Fry.
You know what I can't understand?
Well, yeah, but...
That too, but...
How to get off an escalator?
I wholeheartedly share Spacedal's enjoyment of that punchline. The rule of threes at its finest.
NOTE: Flashback transitions involve a fast fade to white and a slower, incomplete fade in. This leaves flashbacks slightly lighter than reality. In the same way, transitions to reality combine a fast fade to white and a slow, complete fade in.
I had to pause here to quietly admire just how much you think about the mechanics of this whole script thing. Somebody get this man an animation studio! Stat!
Fry and Bender enter, lead by Havoc, who is now carrying a briefcase.
Led by Havoc.
What's you point, meatbag?
Your point.Chapter 3
Bender need booze. Grammar affected being.
There's also a tavern on the first floor.
All right! Come on Fry, you know how angry I get when I'm sober.
Well, his grammar seems fine now. Unless that first line was just a clever ruse...
A Neptunian BARTENDER with a prosthetic arm
I am loving that idea. And somewhat pointlessly curious as to which arm is the phony. In any event, excellent physical characteristic to go with the attributes of an alien species. Just give him a pierced nose and a tan, and you're set.
I was wondering if you'd join me so we can talk privately. Unless you don't want to leave the kids unsupervised.
On "the kids" Havoc indicates Fry and Bender
Yeah, I'd noticed that sort of kids/babysitter relationship cropping up quite a bit so far. Maybe more frequently than in the canon, but it's too funny for me to care much. Nice to see an amusing little run acknowledging it.Chapter 4
Ooh, plot stuff. That One-Eyed King and Jack thing is indeed very clever. If they're still handing out codenames, I officially call That Dumbass King of Hearts Who's Sticking a Sword in his Head. Yes, that's pretty catchy... The Terogan appearance/genetics thing is awfully convenient. I'm thinking this was related to one of the major plot issues that needed to be cleared up? But, on the other hand, whatever. It's no less convenient than the various plot contrivances we've had to swallow throughout the actual series. Also, a nice thing about the lack of boisterously comedic characters in a scene like this, is that it leads to some good Leela lines.
Nice place. Do you do all you secret meetings here, Major Havoc?
Good and dry. Made even better by his matter of fact answer.
Unless my seven weeks at Poker Camp were mistaken
Heh, way to make me chuckle at the exposition. There's something very humorous about Poker Camp, and it makes a nice little throwaway addition to Leela's backstory. Couldn't've all been Arcturan Kung Fu.
Well, they do a lot of things unwittingly.
Snarky. I like.Chapter 5
In general, I don't much like reading fight scenes. Not that I'm a smelly hippy or anything; it's just that action isn't really cerebral enough for me to enjoy in written form. But that doesn't mean that I can't appreciate when something would be really fun to watch if actually played out, and this definitely fits the bill. Also, it's nice to see some camaraderie building between Leela and Havoc, even if only in lieu of actual trust.
Bender grabs one last beer bottle, chugs it, and smashes the bottom, giving himself a weapon. Fry hands Bender a half-empty liquor bottle.
Quick, Bender, drink that so I can smash it.
Loved it. Was strangely put in mind of the various spit take gags we've seen on the show. Similar sort of logic, I guess. Or at least similar... inclusion of liquid.Chapter 6
Given the seediness of the station itself, the infrared-light district is some kind of quantum singularity of seediness.
Heh, I like the way you phrased that. Very witty. On a similar note, infrared-light district is a truly awesome scifi-ization.
See Bender, a little learning never hurt anyone.
Fry and Leela help Bender to his feet, revealing two cafe patrons crushed by Bender's fall.
Hee! Those statement-immediately-followed-by-contradiction jokes usually strike me as too corny to be especially funny, but I'm totally digging on that one. Hooray for comedic violence!
What does the Internet have to do with sex?
All look at Fry skeptically.
Oh right...THAT Internet
Pfft... Making "That internet sure is a crazy place!" jokes on PEEL is like shouting out the city's name at a concert. Entirely too easy to get an audience reaction. So take this, "OH MY GOD THEY JUST SAID SEATTLE ROCKS AND TACOMA SUCKS AND I LIVE IN SEATTLE THAT'S SUCH AN AMAZING COINCIDENCE I AGREE WE ROCK NOW PLAY HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as an indication that I heartily enjoyed both those jokes.
Leela, I believe you have a flight to catch.
(Trying to convince herself more than anyone else)
Okay. I'll see you guys in a few days.
Leela, be careful.
Ooh, and bring me back some pirate swag.
Leela smiles meekly and jogs off toward Targo's ship.
I found that downright touching, in an odd sort of way. I do love a goodbye with a touch of understated emotional subtext. The combination of worry and mistrust and anxiety is almost palpable.
Truly booze has no higher calling that incinerating a biker gang
Than incinerating a biker gang.
Only you're credit card numbers...I'd imagine.
Your credit card numbers.Chapter 7
So that's where that Lego went. Oh, also, this guy is out cold.
Good Fry line. It's easy to pick up "also" when writing a fanfic or simply as a handy word to tack onto the start of every third sentence in regular conversation like me
, but it's trickier to use it in exactly that special Fry way. Well done.
Can we at least have call signs?
Fine. What do you want to be called?
That Dumbass King of Hearts Who's Sticking a Sword in his Head? Okay, fine, the Xena thing's good, too. Made all the funnier if you're not bullshitting us with that "taken from real life" stuff.
“Junior Space Cadet Handbook”?
Nah, lots of Star Trek.
Cute. Nice use of Fry's already established backstory.
An army of hookers.
Know what I liked about this line? The period at the end. The natural inclination, at least to me, is to make it a question, like he's making an idle suggestion. Imagining him speaking as though he's just stating a fact makes it much funnier.
Well, anyway, I'm only halfway through, and this post is already as bloated as it is belated. I'll get the rest read and reviewed within the next few days, kay? Until then, rest assured that this is very awesome so far, and that it looks like it only gets better from here on in. Now stop making the most of every possible opportunity to knock yourself down a peg... That's Gorky's shtick!
Oh, and on a general note... According to the little blue bar things at the top of the web pages (I so suck at being a nerd), the first two chapters are called "Curse of the One-Eyed Jacks", then all the rest are called "Secrets of the One-Eyed Jack". Not a big deal, really, just something I'd noticed.