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Author Topic: Curse of the One-Eyed Jacks - a FanFic redux  (Read 1127 times)
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DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
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« on: 06-23-2005 23:28 »
« Last Edit on: 06-23-2005 23:28 »

It's been about four years in the remaking, but I've finally finished updating and overhauling my first fanfic, "Curse of the One-Eyed Jacks."  And, no, in four years, I couldn't come up with a better title.

Those of you who were around in 2001 and read the original story (who does that leave?  Venus?) may recall that more than one of the plot points suffered a major blow in Season 4.  I looked back over the story and realized it wasn't just the series that made the thing suck.  It was fraught with poor characterization, sophomoric dialogue, and an vague conclusion to an even more vague story.

There's none of the ancillary 3D stuff I included in the old version, so enjoy it or don't.
Chapter 1

EDIT: Also, I "rpoofread" it through Word so I could check my spelling.  I assume this will cut the number of errors TL points out by 2.3%
Venus

Urban Legend
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« Reply #1 on: 06-23-2005 23:36 »

I liked it. Short, but funny. I don't remember much about the original story, what with it being 4 years ago and stuff so for me it's like reading a brand new fic. I hope you post another update soon, i wanna know what happened to Leela.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
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« Reply #2 on: 06-24-2005 07:18 »

(Shudders at thought of Duran Duran's Hungry Like the Wolf.  Though the cover by Reel Big Fish wasn't too bad...)

Anyway, glad to see you've finally started posting this fic; it already has me interested.  Keep posting those updates. 


 
Quote
ancillary
(Grumbles off to dictionary.com)
Spacedal11

Space Pope
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« Reply #3 on: 06-25-2005 13:37 »

I read this two days ago and forgot to comment. It's really interesting. I was confused at first when you were explaining who was getting all the medical attention, cause I thought it might have been Fry then I realized it was Leela. I'm stupid  tongue.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #4 on: 06-26-2005 14:55 »

Reel Big Fish happened to kick so much ass with that cover, it scares me sometimes.

Chapter 2
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #5 on: 06-26-2005 19:01 »

Leela: How to get off an esculator?

He he. Very interesting. I am liking the story so far.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #6 on: 06-28-2005 01:33 »

Okay, I'll be out of town the next few days helping get my grandpa's affairs in order.  Here are the next two sections.

Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #7 on: 06-28-2005 07:51 »

Most enjoyable!
JBERGES

Urban Legend
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« Reply #8 on: 06-29-2005 12:00 »
« Last Edit on: 06-29-2005 12:00 »

Great work so far, DrT. Wholly intrigued by the story, and wondering what the heck’s going on with all the “One Eyed Jacks” we’ve got running around already.

Some good bits:

   
Quote
LEELA
I can't believe this, you gouger.

MECHANIC
I'm actually more of a slasher; my brother Vinnie is more of a gouger.

Yes!  Huzzah for puns!

   
Quote
(Hang-doggedly)
  That’s my word for the week.(Hang-doggedly) If only I had an excuse to use it. (less hang-doggedly)  Wait a minute, I just did!  Twice!
   
Quote
HAVOC
It's going to take more than three rolls of duct tape to fix your ship

FRY
How many more?
Nice.  I also liked the escalator line from part 2, so help me I’ll use that line if the situation arises.
 
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #9 on: 07-01-2005 00:37 »

Chapter 5
And because Chapter 5 is pretty short: Chapter 6
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #10 on: 07-13-2005 06:25 »
« Last Edit on: 07-13-2005 06:25 »

Hmm.  You updated while I was away, and somehow I let this slip to the second page.  Yes, that shall be my excuse; the rest of you should be ashamed.  This is good writing!
   
Quote
Cue fight music, something akin to "Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet.
For some reason, with this in my head, reading the fight scene was like 15 times better than it would have been.   
Quote
"Be sure to tip your server."
   
Quote
"Gropeman's Chinese Porno Theater"
   
Quote
pander bears
Now there are some quality puns.  I salute you.   
Quote
Fry, there's no black market for waffles, and even if there was we wouldn't be able to smuggle them in our underpants.
Waffles and underpants.  They make everything funny… ah… many a time I’ve fallen back on that ol’ standby.  But seriously, that’s a funny line.
   
Quote
hollowed out vegetables filled with warm maple syrup
No… just…no…

I really enjoy this DrT, so please don’t stop posting it or anything.  People other than Spacedal, Venus, and myself (not to be confused with I)... say something.  This is funny.
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #11 on: 07-13-2005 19:30 »
« Last Edit on: 07-13-2005 19:30 »

Greatest line,

BUSSARD

I'm giving you one last chance.  Say Judge Judy was the best TV judge of all time.

FRY

Never!  Wopner forever!


I'm in stitches. That was genius. And I see that JBERGES is right, me, Venus, and him are the only commenters. But think of it this way, we are your groupies baby. And on a different note, I liked chapters 5 & 6. I like the plot and what's happening. Don't give up Thunder, your groupies love you and your story.   smile.
Shiny

Professor
*
« Reply #12 on: 07-14-2005 00:42 »
« Last Edit on: 07-14-2005 00:42 »

I'm enjoying it, but if I comment now, I'll have to comment on the next chapter, and the next, and I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?!

*cries hysterically*


*regains control of self*


Ah.  Yes, well. 

...but I am enjoying it.
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #13 on: 07-14-2005 03:00 »
« Last Edit on: 07-14-2005 03:00 »

Let me do this the cool way that everybody else does it.  I respond to far fewer people, naturally, but it will make me feel like a bigshoit.

@JBERGES - Yeah, "Ballroom Blitz" would really make the fight work.  In a Behind the FanFic moment, you might get me to admit that the song actually inspired the scene.  Regarding the "pander bears bit: [Behind the FanFic]Have you ever liked a joke so much that you've written an entire scene to justify using it?  I have and it wasn't even that great of a joke.[/BtFf]  Now I think I'll go eat some waffles while sitting around in my underpants...

Spacedal - That was your favorite line?  I thought that was one of the weakest lines.  The idea I had for Fry's confrontation was to be so insignificant that even the winner would still be a loser.  TV judges just happened to be the only irrelevant argument I could think of.  I'm glad you liked it.

Thank you guys for your comments (Venus and shiny included).  You've saved me from being some huge nerd that has written a fanfic nobody cares about...by making some huge nerd with a fanfic that four people care to read.

Here's one for the groupies: Chapter 7.

EDIT: I realize I misspelled "bigshot," but I like it that way.
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #14 on: 07-14-2005 10:21 »

Witty dialogue! Yay!
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #15 on: 07-14-2005 21:30 »

Yes it was the greatest line because first of all it's this big guy defending Judge Judy and then Fry's like, to hell with her! Cracked me up.

Speaking of cracking up,

FRY

Oh. Wait, what's the name of that guy? Bender, you know who I'm talking about: he was the god of thunder?

BENDER

Xena?

FRY

Yeah!

HAVOC

Fine, you're Xena.

FRY
(Realizing his mistake)

Oh wait no! I want to change mine.

BENDER

Too late, Xena.

FRY

Aw nuts.


"Aw nuts", heard better but that was very funny. Keep 'em rolling.
DrThunder88

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« Reply #16 on: 07-16-2005 01:11 »

I have to admit, that Xena exchange was taken from real life.  That's the story of how Waterford SWAT Team member "Xena" got his callsign.

Chapter 8
Venus

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #17 on: 07-16-2005 07:28 »

"The resistence is feudal." Had me on the floor! Oh man that rocked!

"There's a time and a place to do what you're told, and that place is church." Laughed so hard a scared the cats!
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #18 on: 07-16-2005 12:29 »
« Last Edit on: 07-16-2005 12:29 »

“LEELA:  The resistance is feudal?”

Get over here so I can give you a big manish hug.  That made my day.

“To quote an old wise man from Brooklyn, "Hey, what the hell are you talkin' about, huh?"

Damn straight.

Great stuff, Thunda.  I’m enjoying the plot as well as the jokes, which is tough to pull of.  Keep up the excellent work...which, in theory, has already been kept up, seeing as you already finished the story, thus rendering my encouragement moot.  Dang.  (leaves to shoot leprechauns)
Bezelbot

Crustacean
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« Reply #19 on: 07-16-2005 17:01 »

Nice. I loved the bit with Fry begging Havoc to go and save Leela, with "loosing" the message and everything. Excellent stuff
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #20 on: 07-17-2005 00:48 »

I love how Fry is trying to be all smart and knows what he's doing. It's so funny.

FRY

(Air quoting on the quoted terms)

Look, Jack, I don't know much about "chain of command" or "following orders" or "listening to what people tell you", but I do know there's a time and a place to do what you're told...and that place is church. This isn't church, Jack, it's the real world, and you need to do the right thing.



This isn't church, this is the real world. I'm dying. Keep it up.

DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #21 on: 07-18-2005 03:20 »
« Last Edit on: 07-19-2005 00:00 »


JBERGES: A cheap shot a Brooklyn, perhaps, but I figured New Jersey had enough.  And remember to lead those leprechauns a little before firing.
JBERGES and Venus: That resistance joke was actually a late addition to the script.  [Behind the FanFic]I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, and I was thinking about how I would describe the story in the fanfic release thread.  I described the pirates as a "feudal resistence movement" when it just clicked.  I stood there for a moment, looking at myself in the mirror and thought, "Oh god, that's terrible.  It is so going in the fic."  I never did write that blurb...[/BtFF]
Venus and Spacedal: DrThunder's distaste for church resurfaces again!
Spacedal: Fry going into "Space Hero"-mode is always entertaining to me.  I'm glad someone else agrees.
Bezelbot: Thanks for reading!  I always enjoy feedback.
Tongue Luck:  Where the heck are you?


Okay, the story starts to shift gears at this point, so expect the unexpected, expect the expected, expect the expectorated, expect PIIIIGS INNNN SPAAAAAAAACE! (but not really)
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #22 on: 07-18-2005 20:13 »

Venus and Spacedal: DrThunder's distaste for church resurfaces again!

You and me both brother.

Spacedal: Fry going into "Space Hero"-mode is always entertaining to me. I'm glad someone else agrees.

I love it when he gets this way. But what I'm liking is that your making him the super-hero guy but keeping him at the same thinking level. He's not 100% serious. I love that.

Anyway, read chapters 9 & 10. You discribe the AS very nicely. And I am expecting this big twist cause at first you made it sound like the Tergonans were bad but now we're seeing it from there POV. I am anixous to read on. And I love how Fry and Bender keep annoying Havoc. And how he's that close to killing them. More dammit! *Slams fist on the desk* I demand more!  big grin
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #23 on: 07-19-2005 13:59 »

 
Quote
the story starts to shit gears at this point
No comment. (muffled immature laughter)

Anyway, what are you thinking making me have to decide who's good and who's bad?  This is a fanfic; It's supposed to be clear as day who to root for!  Less humor this time around, but that's fine as long as good exposition makes up for it, which it did.  Plus, I liked the kneecaps bit.  Awesome work.  Waiting for more...
DrThunder88

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« Reply #24 on: 07-19-2005 14:51 »

You know, I was going to change that once you pointed it out, but maybe it is...doing that.  It's like bricks, only toothier and made out of steel.

Yeah, so I had better change it.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #25 on: 07-19-2005 14:58 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by DrThunder88:
It's like bricks, only toothier and made out of steel.
Bender would be proud.
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #26 on: 07-19-2005 19:09 »

 
Quote
Originally posted by JBERGES:
 the story starts to shit gears at this point
Quote
No comment. (muffled immature laughter)

*Joins the immature laughter*. laff


Best Fucking Friends Forever?
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #27 on: 07-21-2005 00:37 »

You guys are thinking about this?  Crap.  I have underestimated fanfic fans once again.  I guess I'll have to change my original plan of a sappy shipfic into something more relevant.  Just kidding.  Or am I?  I am?

Anyway, here's me filing for Chapter 11
SoulStealer

Poppler
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« Reply #28 on: 07-21-2005 12:05 »

Cool
JBERGES

Urban Legend
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« Reply #29 on: 07-22-2005 07:13 »
« Last Edit on: 07-22-2005 07:13 »

Aw, we lost the lovey Naxx/Leela shippy?  Nuts.

So yeah, this is really really really good.  Youre twists are well executed, and you've foreshadowed enough (and with proper literary prowess) so that I didn't feel like a complete idiot when certain things happened (vagueness is better than spoiler tags).  My only complaint is Fry's MrT joke.  If you make me cringe, Thunda, you've probably crossed a line.

EDIT: The 'life partners' thing was a successful running gag, though.  Those are few and far between.
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #30 on: 07-22-2005 20:34 »

Awesome Thunder. That was a very nice twist. I wasn't sure I understood it all but I mainly get it. Kind of depressing. Though that Naxx/Leela thing was ended too soon. Or maybe it's just that I didn't like that part very much. Touching. Great stuff. And life JBERGES said, that "life partners" joke was a funny running gag.
DrThunder88

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« Reply #31 on: 07-22-2005 23:18 »
« Last Edit on: 07-22-2005 23:18 »

The Mr. T joke...yeah, I knew it was a bad joke, but I'll explain that later.  It won't be a good explanation, mind you, but it will make more sense.

As for the Naxx/Leela thing...did it seem obvious that the "certain thing" he did after the organ solo would take place?  It was supposed to be unexpected.  I think I even wrote it in the script that Leela appears "blindsided" (which I suppose is the rear quarter of a one-eyed person) by that "certain thing".  Sadly, I handle nuance like most men wield weed whackers.  I'll explain more about why I constructed the story the way I did later.  In the mean time two short segments:

Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Spacedal11

Space Pope
****
« Reply #32 on: 07-22-2005 23:39 »

Sweetness. Nice ending. I would love to read more of your stuff Dr. if you have any. Cause I liked that ending. I liked how Leela pretty much explains what had happened. I knew there'd be a big twist! You didn't fail me Thunder.
Venus

Urban Legend
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« Reply #33 on: 07-22-2005 23:45 »

I really liked it. Fry mocking Leela over the intercom was hysterical. For some reason Leela's closing monologue reminded me of Agent Scully's closing monologues in the X-Files series. That's not a bad thing though.
JBERGES

Urban Legend
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« Reply #34 on: 07-24-2005 01:30 »

Aw, man, that was great DrT.  Who needs a Hollywood happy ending when you've got this?

... uh... a more detailed review coming later, I swear.  I'm tired.
Shiny

Professor
*
« Reply #35 on: 07-24-2005 01:38 »

I am saddened by the end...but boy is the story good. 

A big thumbs up, Dr.Thunder.
DrThunder88

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« Reply #36 on: 07-25-2005 04:27 »

Perhaps a bigger twist would be for there to not be a twist.  Then everyone would be like, "What?  He was setting us up for something big."  And I'd be all, "Ha ha!  Red herrings all the way!"

Anyway, the Leela/Naxx thing wasn't any longer for one (or maybe more) reason.  I didn't want to tip my hand as to a few things that would be revealed in the chapel scene.  Everyone seemed to pick up on at least one of those things anyway, so I guess I sort of screwed that up.  I guess I also wanted to draw parallels between Havoc and Naxx, and further Naxx screen time would've pushed the already skewed balance out of whack.  There was so much goddamn symbolism in this story that I think I sort of washed it all together.  Even the origins of this story are obscured.

Well, I'm glad you guys either liked it or are nice enough to say you liked it.  Either way, thank you for your feedback.  Those of you who aren't JBERGES or Venus may wish to check out the story I actually wrote after the original version of this one called The Social Order.  If I had to summarize it, I'd say it's like Layla's ongoing mutant saga but without all the gorgeous wordcrafting, deepened characterizations, touching sentiment, and ridiculously high stakes (which she seems to be winning, by the way).  At least I corrected all the spelling and grammar errors Tongue Luck pointed out...where is Tongue?
JBERGES

Urban Legend
***
« Reply #37 on: 07-25-2005 08:59 »
« Last Edit on: 07-25-2005 08:59 »

Should I use spoiler tags when talking about spoilers?  Sure…. Why not, maybe you’ll feel even specialer because of it.  Let’s talk twists, because as a writer (you, not me) I’m guessing you’re wondering how and when they worked..

Hope that helps a bit (just ask if there was anything else you were wondering about)  Also, reading this story helped me with the ending of the sequel, because   

Until (hopefully) the next fic.

EDIT: And explain that MrT joke, damnit!
DrThunder88

DOOP Secretary
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« Reply #38 on: 07-26-2005 03:38 »


Wow, it's like we're talking in some secret, spoiler code language!

Oh right, the Mr. T joke...I really can't explain it.  I sort of lied.  How's that for a twist?

Seriously though, as to why the joked bombed: if I had to venture a guess (and I do), I think I just ran out of good ones at that point.  There were only a few places I felt could handle an interruption to the flow of that scene.  Going off the surrounding dialog, that was the best joke I could come up with.  But I followed it up with an orifice-cramming joke.  That's got to count for something.

In short, I didn't want the scene to belong to Leela and two Gary Stus (at least one of whom was evil), but since it sort of turned out that way anyway I managed to lose both bets.
Layla50

Bending Unit
***
« Reply #39 on: 08-07-2005 21:01 »

If I may quote you in the most narcissicistic way possible:
 
Quote
If I had to summarize it, I'd say it's like Layla's ongoing mutant saga but without all the gorgeous wordcrafting, deepened characterizations, touching sentiment, and ridiculously high stakes (which she seems to be winning, by the way).

So it's filled with sharp clean writing, clever turns of phrase, and an actual sense of humour. Yep! Sounds about right! Actually, it reminds me a lot of JBERGES' writing, and that ain't not bad.

Sorry about being forever about responding to all your hard work. I'm so impressed by your writing. Actually, hanging around here has impressed me with Futurama fandom in general. Not that me being impressed should matter to anyone.

"Curse of the One-Eyed Jacks" is really fun. I like the whole card game theme you have going there. Great title. Incredibly creepy ending thing what with all those poor souls dying, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm not extremely accustomed to the professional-ish script format, but it works really well for you. The thorough descriptions made everything easy to visualise, and added to the realistic feel of the story.

Loved the introduction to Fry, instantly he looks stupid. Very fun. Bender was great, deleting Fry's mp3's. You also managed to make me like Jack Havoc right away, which is difficult because I've read way too many Mary Sues to trust original characters. The foreshadowing is everywhere in the story, and I have to admit I'd figured out most of it before it happened. That didn't take away from my enjoyment at all however, and just proves how thought-provoking a writer you are. Plus you use big words, which is also fun.
 
Quote
"Major Havoc"? Sounds like a professional wrestler.

Laugh, laugh, laugh!
So about chapter Two I got the distinct impression that you've read Star Wars novels. Could be a complete coincidence of course. In any case, you writing style reminds me of that in a series of published novels, so that can't be a bad thing either, eh? One thing that stood out to me in a nit picky kind of way was your frequent use of the word 'disappointed' when describing reactions to stupidity. I'm not sure that's how I'd describe it, I'd probably go with annoyance, but that's really beyond the pale in nitpickiness and I mostly include it so that I can say that I'm being critical.

Now that that's out of the way, I can get back to the enthusiastic praise. Loved Jack's patronizing Fry.

 
Quote
FRY (CONT'D)
What is this stuff?
LEELA
It's people.
FRY
(Relieved)
Oh, I thought it was broccoli for a second.
If there's a tasteless( wink) soylent green joke, I haven't heard it!
 
Quote
BENDER
Fry, you bonehead, the A-P-R-D-E-W-A-A-U is our only defense against Space Pirates.
Also acronyms!  laff

Fry's flashbacking was funny and I need to thank you for putting the timeless image of a zombie streaker being struck by lightning into my head.

You pieced out the information about what was really happening very well. It was kinda like unravelling a mystery as I read it, which I really liked.

The scene with the mechanic was an absolute scream. One joke after another. I don't know how you do it. Characterization is really good and consistant throughout. Basically every Fry and Bender line I could see them saying on the show. If I'm not mistaken there's a Simpson reference or two in there, which is always fun.

I liked the one eye thing because of the connection to Leela. It's neat to read a story where that unique characteristic is critical to the plot rather than something that's just there.
 
The bar fight was great. Action scenes are tricky to write (all that blocking) and it had fire!

You know, I'm gonna jump ahead a bit to how horrified I was with the whole genocidal family contact thing. I mean that in a good way of course. It hit me pretty hard. I kept hoping it would turn out they were okay after all, but alas, it was not to be. Very powerful and effective in my opinion. The resignation from Dabo after the hopeful hitting on Leela was so sad and had a gritty feel to it. I felt a real connection between the two characters, and I liked it, which is unheard of coming from a Fry/Leela shipper like myself.

All in all, it was just great writing and a really interesting, thoughtful sort of story. Well done. I'm also enjoying "A social order" to the point where I'm slightly anxious about treading on your subject matter so to speak, but I'll review later 'cause I wanna do some writing of my own.  smile
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