Squeeeeeeeeeeee! (Sorry, I know that's annoying.)
Hah, hoohah, yippee, whee, oh baby, yes!
You updated! Three whole parts of the story of gladness! Yeehah! (Sigh) I'm happy.
I have been waiting for this story for so very long. Ah, the great joy... I actually get so excited that I actually can't concentrate of the actual updates until I calm down, isn't that crazy? Of course it is, why am I asking?
I think you muchly over estimate my writing skills dear, for surely my story does not cause this kind of glee. I swear every sentence makes me go, "Oh, that's perfect!"
So now, instead of updating my story (you wouldn't believe how hard it is to get started again after writing an ubercliffie, or maybe you would) I get to respond to yours. (I'll try to give you a birthday present though, I'll try. But then you'd owe me something on May 18
The part before this one:
I love openings when you're not exactly sure who is speaking at first. It's all mysterious.
And his first word is "Leela". So perfect!
I love that the motherly voice is a neptunian. Just like the spa lady. It's a great touch, like a species trait that Neptunians (the female ones anyway) have motherly voices. It makes it easy to visualize her too. Oh, and having four arms is a useful trait in a paramedic!
“Do you know where you are?”
“Do you remember what happened?”
“How many fingers am I holding up?”
“Is that a question or a statement?”
I really like this dialogue. It's so medically and almost funny at the same time because of the one wordiness. It makes me emotional too, seeing as I can just hear Fry's pain.
Satisfied she turned to her partner, a green eyed, gray and black striped bipedal humanoid feline.
Ah, a cat-like alien. A sci-fi staple. Again, you handle the medical stuff very well. I know how difficult it can be. Well, I find it difficult anyway.
“No!” He’d found her. A tall skinny human male paramedic had placed a mask over her face and was manually pumping oxygen into her lungs while a large burly guy set up a portable heart monitor. She was ash gray and looked like she hadn’t taken a breath in several minutes. She looked dead. Fry tried to force himself upright, desperate to get to her.
Um... how can I put this? Sob! This is wonderfully written. The set up to get to where Fry first sees poor, poor Leela is just awesome. You do set ups very well, Venus. That's half the battle right there. The other half is living up to the set ups, and that can be challenging. (Looks around nervously) Naturally, you live up to your set ups.
Love the Neptunians handling of distraught Fry. Very professional. I can so hear Fry when you write him.
The whole "defeated" paragraph is incredible. So like Fry would act in those situations.
The whole time he had been unconscious she had been quietly suffocating. Right there on his shoulder. He had failed her. Twice. “Not like I should be surprised or nothin.” He thought bitterly. “I always let her down. Why should now be any different?”
Wah! That's so sad. I love the words quietly suffocating. Way to jerk out the tears! Oh, and the word desolately when applied to someone's emotions... so beautiful.
This easily had the potential to become the absolute worst day of his life.
“We lost her pulse, she’s coding!”
Another awesome set up. Also, truely terrifying, even though I know she's going to be alright, eventually. It's like stepping into Fry's head.
Fry didn’t know what ‘coding’ was, but he damn sure knew what ‘we lost her pulse’ meant.
The characterization is just fantastic, and it really comes across in lines like this.
Fry's embarassment on Leela's behalf is incredibly touching... also very uncomfortable, like I'm the one being exposed. It makes me want to shove the doctors away from her. Fry probably feels the same way.
The defibrillation is entirely creepy and nerve-wracking. Thank you! And just the way Fry can only watch, helplessly. He's so powerless in that moment.
Frustrated Fry placed his hand on her hip and weakly tried to force her out of his way.
I love Fry's adorable stubborness. He's so devoted.
“Don’t care.” He stated numbly, never looking up. “Don’t wan’ta live if she doesn’t.”
Okay, I know it's been said, but this is unbelievably great! I think this may well be my favorite dramatic Fry line ever, including anything he ever said on the series. (And here I am thinking of, "please wake up.) I'm gonna go cry now.
The Neptunian must have found his declaration somewhat romantic.
Nice touch. I love when minor characters have personalities.
Once again there was no effect, her heart monitor still screaming accusingly. Fully expecting the worst, Fry began to sob painfully. He’d always assumed she would be around forever but now it seemed he’d lost her for good. Praying for a miracle he held his breath as the paramedic gave it one more try. She jerked, there was silence, and then…
Gorgeous writing. "Screaming accusingly" "sob painfully" These are wonderful prhases for their vividness and subtlety. Fry's feeling guilty, hence the accusation, and the sobs are painful in two ways, cause he thinks he lost Leela and cause he's been impaled.
Elated, Fry’s tears of anguish quickly became tears of immeasurable relief.
More beautiful writing. You should teach phraseology.
Before they were taken off in separate directions he gave it a loving squeeze and hoped to God he would be seeing her again.
Just too touching for words, really!
And the latest part:
Lots of laughs in the first bit of this part. Everyone is being themselves and you have the classic clock running backward reference. I swear I've seen that happen.
I love your Hermes accent writing and the conflict between him and Zoidy. Such fun. It's really like reading lines from an episode. The healthy organs lines are absolutely hilarious, especially when the Professor is licking his lips.
a nervous system powered by the screams of small children, oh my yes…..”
Now that is funny! and disturbing, which is why it's funny.
Having the doctor start out by asking for the next of kin gave me a cold chill.
I love the bad news gasp. I also loved Amy's tearful reaction. Having the doctor's admit no one has ever lasted as long as Leela with that bee venom was a fantastic idea. It just plays up the direness of the situation. Awesome!
I like that Bender asked about Fry and that the doctor didn't know.
After the doctor left Amy wrung her hands together anxiously and turned to her friends. “Oh God, her family. Someone’s gonna have to tell them.”
I started getting really emotional at this point. I can't wait to see Morris and Munda's reaction.
Then you have this wonderful, in-character tension breaker with Hermes, the Professor and Bender.
“Cause.” Bender stated. “You’re the girl. Girls are sposed to be better at that touchy-feely emotional Lifetime-movie-of-the-week kinda thing aren’t cha?”
We might know something about that, eh Venus?
I really laughed at that.
“Well…yeah, but..., I’m not…I don’t…” She sighed heavily. “Fine. I’ll go, But whose gonna tell Fry? And it is soooo not gonna be me. He is gonna freak.”
And then I got teary. It's a strange thing but sometimes having someone not-too-serious talk about someone else's emotions in a casual kind of way actually makes more of an impact. In any case, that line hit me like a ton of bricks.
“Assuming he’s alive to freak.” The Professor pointed out.
Stepping forward importantly Bender announced, “Seeing as how I am Fry’s best buddy, and legal power of attorney, I feel it is my duty to inform him of the impending death of all his hopes and dreams.”
“Fine,” Amy agreed. “But don’t enjoy it!”
“I promise nothing.”
This made me laugh and cry at the same time. Clever Venus, not many people have managed to do that to me! The impending death of all his hopes and dreams... it's hilarious, and so true too.
Wow, Venus, just... wow...